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View Full Version : I'm sick of February so how about a new laugh line?


wellslipmystitches
02-20-2011, 06:36 PM
The following are just an attempt to get over a month that should be wiped off the calendar. Good thing it's only 28 days. Couldn't stand much more.
I think it's time for some laughs. This will be definitely off topic, off track, off kilter and anything else that's off. By all means chime in with whatever grinds your beans. Still have half of Feb. to endure.

First some thoughts to ponder.

EVER WONDER . . . .

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

. . . and just one more of these. Only in America do banks leave all their doors open and chain their pens to the counters.

Then one for the guys: A married couple were driving their horse and buggy to a town event. The horse shied and bucked on the trail and the husband got out - got the buggy back on the trail and admonished the horse - "THAT'S ONE!".

He got back in the buggy and continued on their way. The horse shied again and ran off the trail. The husband got out, pushed the buggy back on the trail and waved his finger at the horse and said, "THAT'S TWO!"

After driving for a while the poor, frightened, uncontrollable horse shied and pulled the buggy into a deep cut on the roadside. The man got out, said, "THAT'S THREE" and with his gun, shot the horse!

His wife was terribly upset - got out of the buggy and said, "Oh, dear, the horse was just frightened! You didn't have to shoot it! Now, what will we do to get back home?!! I've never seen you do such a heartless thing!"

The husband replied . . . "THAT'S ONE!!

O.K. I've got more and better ones - I bet you do too - so join in. Jean

kittykins
02-20-2011, 06:59 PM
Thanks Jean. That's just what I needed today!:roflhard:
Jeanie

Lana
02-20-2011, 09:15 PM
Thanks! :roflhard:
That's worthy of a copy/paste to share far and near.

sgtpam
02-21-2011, 01:33 AM
I actually love February. Maybe because it's different than all of the rest of the months and even more different every 4 years:roflhard: .........and now, for my newest grand-nephew's birthday.

And the 1,2,3 joke.........My grandfather told that one more years ago than I remember......but, I've never forgotten it. I don't think I've ever remembered any other "story" joke I've heard; but, I can still hear him laughing like crazy as soon as I "got it". Thanks for the memory (and the laughs)

wellslipmystitches
02-21-2011, 06:41 PM
Certainly, that's what we all need every day. One of my very favorite musicians, Victor Borge, said, "A smile is the shortest distance between 2 people."

Lana, Have meant to comment on your knitting direction tag - I luv, luv, luv it. Sounds like me right now trying to adapt a pattern to what I want. Or just any day when I've washed my hands and can't do a thing with them! :<)

Jeanie, You have a great name. I really like it. And Pam, Isn't it great how a few words can conjure up great memories from the past. I think that's why great writers are so important. They can bring both the past and the future to now.

The operative word here is NOW! Now you must contribute some of your funnies. There was a joke line a while back and it got to over 50 pgs. A little intimidating to find a particular story. There were some great ones. This should be the start of a new one. Jean

wellslipmystitches
02-21-2011, 06:59 PM
If this joke line is going to take off we'll need Demonica to come back with more stories. Any one know where she is lately?

In the meantime, for fun, take some of the old sayings and bring them up to date as you wish. For instance, I have a few:

"If it ain't broke" . . . it's probably not mine.
" Where there's a will" . . . there's relatives.
And from Willy Shakespeare, All's well that . . . is, if you've got money in the bank and options on lots more!
Your turn. Jean

kittykins
02-21-2011, 08:02 PM
Hmmmm. Wonder why you like my name? Actually I rather like yours too. You sound like you'd be a blast to hang out with. Coming my way any time soon?...
Jeanie

wellslipmystitches
02-22-2011, 07:14 PM
Not likely, Jeanie, I'm in Northern Ill. and it's a "fur piece" to Texas.

I might be a blast for a while, but then I'd just be an old pain in the hindquarters and then, too, I'd hate to think myself responsible if you laughed yourself to death. Don't want that on my conscience.

Just send a good funny story to the laugh line and just like when I was a kid and all I could afford to pay was attention - I'll certainly notice it.
Jean

kittykins
02-23-2011, 08:22 AM
Well Jean if I have to go, I can think of worse ways than laughing myself to death.:chair: :angelgrin: I just don't have any funnies to post here right now, but if I run across something I'll be sure to share.
Jeanie

saracidaltendencies
02-23-2011, 01:40 PM
Here I am! ;)

Ok, I may have posted some of these before but there's no way I'm going back through the other thread to find out! :teehee:



These are claimed to be actual announcements made by in-flight attendants:

Before takeoff:
"To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. Actually, it works just like every other seat belt on the planet. If you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, or someone who is acting like a small child, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two such persons, decide now which one you love more."

Shortly before arrival:
"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees, with some broken clouds; but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your travel money, more than this airline."

On the ground, after an exceedingly bumpy landing:
"Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash' and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

On arrival:
"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at this airline."


* * * * *


Sentences Found In Patients' Hospital Charts

1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

8. The patient refused autopsy.

9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

14. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.

15. She is numb from her toes down.

16. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

17. The skin was moist and dry.

18. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

20. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

24. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. [Just how big IS "circus sized"?]

25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

26. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

27. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

28. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

30. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

31. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

wellslipmystitches
02-23-2011, 02:36 PM
Ah, yes! Now the fun begins. We've missed you Demonica.

I've read all in the old jokes and I remember jokes very well. Yours, today, are new to me and they're grrrrreat!

So glad you've chimed in and I hope lots more members won't be shy and will add to this list. It certainly lifts spirits on a dreary, worrisome day.

Hey - Your airline jokes reminded me of one. I don't have the text so I'll have to improvise.

Promises, promises - "Take a Chance" airline. We save money by not providing all the frills of other competitors. We have no meals, no drinks, no oxygen masks. However, rather than a flotation device in your seat cushion we provide a low cost alternative . . . a parachute to every individual on our planes.

We hope your flight is uneventful because the parachutes only open on impact!!
Jean

TrueIconoclast
02-23-2011, 04:12 PM
I can't take credit for the actual laugh line, but I asked what type of sheep Lion Brand's Fishermen's Wool comes from, adding that the label said it was 100% Pure Virgin Wool....here were the hilarious responses:

A virgin wool sheep has never had sex.

Yes Katz, But they've been subjected to some shearly, naked events where they dropped their coats with little protest!!!
Ohhh, the scandal of it all!

Jean

saracidaltendencies
02-24-2011, 11:18 AM
More Jokes! ;)



Advertising Lingo: Ever wonder what all those advertising terms really mean?

NEW - Different color from previous design.

ALL NEW - Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.

ADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesn't understand it.

EXCLUSIVE - Imported product.

UNMATCHED - Almost as good as the competition.

FOOLPROOF OPERATION - No provision for adjustments.

IT'S HERE AT LAST - Rush job. Nobody knew it was coming.

FIELD TESTED - Manufacturer lacks test equipment.

HIGH ACCURACY - Unit on which all parts fit.

FUTURISTIC - No other reason why it looks the way it does.

REDESIGNED - Previous flaws fixed - we hope.

DIRECT SALES ONLY - Factory had a big argument with distributor.

YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - We finally got one to work.

BREAKTHROUGH - We finally figured out a use for it.

MAINTENANCE FREE - Impossible to fix.

MEETS ALL STANDARDS - Ours, not yours.

SOLID-STATE - Heavy as anything

HIGH RELIABILITY - We made it work long enough to ship it.

* * * * *

Q: What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

A: If we don't get some support soon people are going to think were nuts.

* * * * *

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the
front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?" She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world did I do today?" "Yes" was his incredulous reply. She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

saracidaltendencies
02-24-2011, 06:48 PM
:teehee:

wellslipmystitches
02-24-2011, 07:14 PM
Yep, that makes more sense than the stupid, pie shaped indicators for investors. Very succint and meaningful. Can't make a mistake with such truth.
Jean

KatzKnitter
02-25-2011, 04:50 AM
Do knit stitches have crossed legs only when they have bladder problems?

Knitting Haiku:

Whenever I knit
I reach the toes and I find
I have not enough wool

KatzKnitter
02-25-2011, 04:53 AM
A woman was knitting on a plane in the emergency exit row. The flight attendant came by and asked if she would be able to open the door in the event of an emergency. The knitter responded, "Yes as soon as I finish knitting the row."

KatzKnitter
02-25-2011, 04:57 AM
A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time. Driving up beside her, he shouts out the window... "Pull over!"

"No," she shouts back, "a pair of socks!"

.................................................. ...........

Oh, the bladder joke was mine also.

KatzKnitter
02-25-2011, 04:59 AM
http://www.amazon.com/Itches-Stash-Knitting-Cartoons/dp/1596680938?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1217862595&sr=8-1

KatzKnitter
02-25-2011, 05:03 AM
A scientist crossed a sheep with a porcupine.
He got an animal that knits its own sweaters.

(groan!!)

saracidaltendencies
02-25-2011, 11:34 PM
Church Bulletin Bloopers


Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

Tuesday at 4 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

Don't let worry kill you, let the church help.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

Thursday at 5:00 pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.

Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again" giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.

During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
nursery downstairs.

Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more
transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is
Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign
slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge ! - Up Yours!"

KatzKnitter
02-25-2011, 11:38 PM
:roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard:

wellslipmystitches
02-26-2011, 12:54 AM
Demonica, As usual - another winner!
Jean

wellslipmystitches
02-28-2011, 04:24 PM
Here are a couple of good stories I copied from the old forum laugh line. I think many of you haven't seen them and they're too good to ignore. Enjoy! Jean

> THE BOTTLE OF WINE
>
> For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:
>
> Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
>
> As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
>
> 'What in bag?' asked the old woman .
>
> Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'
>
> The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: ' Good trade '...
> +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
>
>
> Attention deficit??!!!??
>
> I decide to water my garden.
>
> As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.
>
> As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mailbox earlier.
>
> I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
>
> I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.
>
> But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox, when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only 1 check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.
>
> I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.
>
> I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
>
> I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
>
> At the end of the day:
>
> ----the car isn't washed,
> ----the bills aren't paid,
> ----there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,
> ----the flowers don't have enough water,
> ----there is still only 1 check in my check book,
> ----I can't find the remote,
> ----I can't find my glasses,
> ----and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
>
>
> Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.
>
> I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail. __________________

KatzKnitter
02-28-2011, 05:15 PM
You're a hoot, wellslip! I copied the first one to send to a friend whose husband is part Cherokee.

We've been passing February nicely; it's almost gone!!

saracidaltendencies
03-01-2011, 09:20 PM
Sorry in advance, guys! :teehee:

Subject: Classes For Men At Local Learning Center

Classes for men at our local Learning Center for Adults..
Sign-up by June 30th

NOTE: Due to the complexity and difficulty level of their content,
each course will accept a maximum of 8 participants.

TOPIC 1
HOW TO FILL UP THE ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step, with slide presentation.

TOPIC 2
THE TOILET PAPER ROLL: DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Round table discussion.

TOPIC 3
IS IT POSSIBLE TO URINATE USING THE TECHNIQUE OF LIFTING THE SEAT UP AND AVOIDING THE FLOOR/WALLS AND NEARBY BATHTUB?
Group Practice.

TOPIC 4
FUNDAMENTAL DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THE LAUNDRY HAMPER AND THE FLOOR.
Pictures and explanatory graphics.

TOPIC 5
THE AFTER-DINNER DISHES AND SILVERWARE: CAN THEY LEVITATE AND FLY INTO THE KITCHEN SINK?
Examples on Video.

TOPIC 6
LOSS OF IDENTITY: LOSING THE REMOTE OR ALLOWING OTHERS TO USE IT.
Help line support and support groups.

TOPIC 7
LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS, STARTING WITH LOOKING IN THE RIGHT PLACE INSTEAD OF TURNING THE HOUSE UPSIDE DOWN WHILE SCREAMING.
Open forum.

TOPIC 8
HEALTH WATCH: BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH.
Graphics and audiotape.

TOPIC 9
REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST.
Real life testimonials.

TOPIC 10
IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation.

TOPIC 11
LEARNING TO LIVE - BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MOTHER AND WIFE.
Online Classes and Role-Playing.

TOPIC 12
HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION.
Relaxation, exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.

TOPIC 13
HOW TO FIGHT CEREBRAL ATROPHY: REMEMBERING BIRTHDAYS, ANNIVERSARIES, OTHER IMPORTANT DATES AND CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE.
Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.

TOPIC 14
CAR KEYS AND OTHER ITEMS:
Practice on developing skills of putting things back where they belong so that they can be easily found.

* * * * *

Courtroom Funnies

Part 1 of 2

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.

==========================

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

==========================

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

==========================

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

==========================

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

==========================

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

==========================

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

==========================

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

==========================

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

* * * * *

DADDY'S TEN RULES OF DATING

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early"

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -- zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car -- there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

KatzKnitter
03-01-2011, 09:30 PM
We've created a monster. There are jokes here older than me.

wellslipmystitches
03-02-2011, 05:22 PM
Demonica, You're 'da woman'. Keep bringin' em.

If some don't care for the content - they may bring their own that are better. I'm waiting!
Jean

Woodi
03-12-2011, 04:27 PM
with apologies if some (or most) of these are old as Methusalah.


As I get older, I've learned that:



..."that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed."


...."that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished."

..." to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things."

Woodi
03-12-2011, 04:30 PM
How about some cat haikus?


The food in my bowl
Is old, and more to the point
Contains no tuna.
----

So you want to play.
Will I claw at dancing string?
Your ankle's closer.
----

There's no dignity
In being sick - which is why
I don't tell you where.
----

Seeking solitude
I am locked in the closet.
For once I need you.
----

Tiny can, dumped in
Plastic bowl. Presentation,
One star; service: none.
----

Am I in your way?
You seem to have it backwards:
This pillow's taken.
----

Your mouth is moving;
Up and down, emitting noise.
I've lost interest.
----

The dog wags his tail,
Seeking approval. See mine?
Different message.
----

My brain: walnut-sized.
Yours: largest among primates.
Yet, who leaves for work?
----

wellslipmystitches
03-12-2011, 06:29 PM
Woodi, I'm very impressed! Your haikus are super good! They are so extremely measured that they are good practice for disciplined writing.

I talk too much so it's great for me to practice brevity. However, yours say so much in so few words as they should. Many mess up the syllable count or arrive at words which mean little. It's very difficult to achieve a meaningful verse and keep the count too. There's the rub! But you've done it.

I really enjoyed them

Shakespeare's B-day is coming up in April and I enjoy writing in his style, just for fun. I'll see if I can find a couple that you might enjoy. Believe me, you've never heard 21st century Shakespeare at my house. Jean

kittykins
05-11-2011, 07:20 PM
Jean, I said I'd share when I had something. Maybe a lot of you have heard this one before, but here goes....

Three women, 2 younger, and a senior citizen, were sitting naked in a sauna.

Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The young woman pressed her forearm and the beeping stopped.

The others looked at her questioningly. "That was my pager, she said, I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rang. The second young woman lifted her palm to her ear.

When she was finished, she explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand".

The other woman felt very low-tech. Not to be out done, she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom.

She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her rear end.

The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her.

The other woman finally said......

WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT...I'M GETTING A FAX!!:chair:

Hope that brought a chuckle to someone today.
Jeanie

wellslipmystitches
05-13-2011, 10:44 AM
That's a giggler alright, Jeanie. I'd love to see more. Could really use some good laughs. Jean

saracidaltendencies
05-13-2011, 09:35 PM
Newspaper must love unexpected humor from the public. Classified ads run in various newspapers

Free Yorkshire Terrier. 8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites.

Free puppies: 1/2 cocker spaniel 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

Free puppies... part German shepherd, part stupid dog.

German shepherd, 85 lbs. neutered. Speaks German. Free.

Found: dirty white dog. Looks like a rat... been out awhile... better
be a reward.

1-man, 7-woman hot tub - $850/or best offer

Snow blower for sale... only used on snowy days.

Cows, calves never bred... also 1 gay bull for sale.

Nordictrack $300 hardly used, call Chubby.

Hummers - largest selection ever - "If it's in stock, we have it!"

Georgia peaches, California grown - 89 cents/lb.

Nice parachute: never opened - used once.

Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and
flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 - $9 per hour.

Joining nudist colony! Must sell washer and dryer, $300.

Alzheimer's center prepares for an affair to remember.

Open house: body shapers toning salon. Free coffee and donuts.

For sale by owner: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45
volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed.
Got married last month. Wife knows everything.

* * * * *

Here are some comments made by sports commentators that I'm sure they
would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator at the Olympic Snatch and Jerk Event:
"This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator:
"This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Grand Prix Race Announcer:
"The lead car is absolutely, truly unique, except for the one behind it which is exactly identical to the one in front of the similar one in
back."

4. Greg Norman, Pro Golfer:
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

5. Ringside Boxing Analyst:
"Sure there have been injuries and even some deaths in boxing - but none of them really that serious."

6. Baseball announcer:
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

7. Basketball analyst:
"He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

8. At a trophy ceremony BBC TV Boat Race 1988:
"Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is hugging the Cox of the Oxford crew."

9. Metro Radio, College Football:
"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

10. US Open TV Commentator:
"One of the reasons Arnie Palmer is playing so well is that, before each final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my God, what have I just said?"

NebraskaGal
05-17-2011, 12:16 PM
My whole family was sitting around the computer laughing out loud!!! That is some of the funniest stuff I have ever heard!!! Thank you so much for shareing :roflhard:

kittykins
05-18-2011, 02:14 PM
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when Steven, a tall, exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

The seasoned yet playful heartthrob noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As any man would.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00...on one condition...

Flabbergasted but intrigued, the woman asked what the condition was.The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment and then slowly removed $20 from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply and passionately into his eyes barely concealing her anticipation and excitement and slowly and meaningfully said...
>
>
>
>
>
"Clean my house."

Jeanie

NebraskaGal
05-18-2011, 03:12 PM
MEN ARE HAPPIER PEOPLE BECAUSE......

-Your last name stays the same
-The garage is all yours
-Wedding plans take care of themselves
-Chocolate is just another snack
-You can never get pregnant
-You can wear a white t-shirt to a water park
-You can wear NO t-shirt to a water park
-Car mechanics tell you the truth
-You don't have to stop and think about which way to turn a nut on
a bolt
-Same work, more pay
-Wrinkles add character
-Her wedding dress $5,000 His tux rental $100
-People never stare at your chest when you are talking to them
-The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected
-One mood all the time
-Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat
-A five day vacation requires only one suitcase
-You can open all of your own jars
-You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness
-If someone forgets to invite you, he can still be your friend
-You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes
-You can play with toys all of your life
-Your belly usually hides your big hips
-One wallet, one color, all seasons
-You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look
-You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife
-You have freedom of choice regarding growing a mustache
-You can do Christmas shopping for twenty-five people on December
24 in 20 minutes

saracidaltendencies
05-18-2011, 03:27 PM
As a senior at college, Steve would often engage women psychology
majors in heated discussions about male-female relationships. Once,
Shelly and Steve got into a hot debate about whether men or women make
the larger sacrifice of their respective gender characteristics when
they get married.

To Steve’s surprise, Shelly agreed with him that men give up far more
than women.

"You're right, Steve," she said. "Men generally give up doing their
cleaning, their cooking, their grocery shopping, their laundry..." :teehee:

* * * * * *

THE PRIZE

Tom had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask
which one should have the prize.

"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to
mother? Who does everything she says?"

Five small voices answered, in unison, "Okay, dad, you get the toy."

* * * * *

Pregnancy Questions & Answers:


Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

wellslipmystitches
05-18-2011, 05:47 PM
Jeanie and Sara, You're getting your giddyup in gear. Great laughs. Thanks so much.
The '35' kids reminded me of an old one.

A couple with 9 children asked their Dr. what they could do to prevent any more babies.

Dr. told the husband to make sure to place a rubber over his organ.

4 months later the couple was back - wife,obviously pregnant and husband obviously irked.

The husband complained and the Dr. said, "Did you put a rubber over your organ as I suggested?

The husband replied, "Well, we didn't have any rubber and no organ either, so I just threw a sheet over the piano and here we are pregnant again!"

This one is old enough to have whiskers, but who knows what you've been paying attention to?
Jean

kittykins
05-18-2011, 06:55 PM
We all need a big smile or a good belly chuckle every day. When something comes my way, I'll be sure to pass it on.
.........................

Actually I might have something else. Let's see if I can find it. This will be a link and not really a joke....

kittykins
05-18-2011, 06:59 PM
Found it! For what it's worth, here goes.....

http://thisneedstostop.com/2011/05/13/royal-wedding-photo-coincidence-i-think-not/

Jeanie

NebraskaGal
05-18-2011, 09:33 PM
Wow!! They had me fooled for only a moment, and that is when I read that it was supposed to be a Disney couple, having not recognized them I knew the picture was fake. I did belive the sisters picture however. :shrug:

kittykins
05-28-2011, 08:20 AM
Are any of you familiar with Jeanne Robertson? I wasn't until the other day when a friend of mine sent me this link. Check out more of her "stuff" on the same page. IMO I think she's great! (Loved, "Don't send a man to the grocery store".) Jeanie

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QNfzKiS-eTU

linknit41
05-31-2011, 06:59 PM
Kittykins, thanks for the link to this very funny lady. Really enjoyed listening to her stories. linknit41

HamsterLover
06-06-2011, 12:50 AM
U wanna laugh look at this then :cool:


55462

NebraskaGal
06-06-2011, 11:26 AM
That is SO my Grandmother! She is quite the character. Thanks for sharing. :roflhard:

wellslipmystitches
06-08-2011, 05:55 PM
Are any of you familiar with Jeanne Robertson? I wasn't until the other day when a friend of mine sent me this link. Check out more of her "stuff" on the same page. IMO I think she's great! (Loved, "Don't send a man to the grocery store".) Jeanie

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QNfzKiS-eTU

Love your post. How could a Jeanie not be funny?

My computer has been down for quite a while. Did you miss me? Correct answer - Were you gone? Had to put in a whole new system, more memory etc. because of an insidious virus. I'm surprised this forum still recognizes my I.D. Lots to learn about Windows 7 plus more memory cards and sound blasters to manage it.
Lots of things are different - Aaaaaaaaaargh! I'll work it out. Things are coming up now that are different. I'll send anyway and see what happens.
Jean

saracidaltendencies
06-08-2011, 09:47 PM
I was wondering where you were!

kittykins
06-09-2011, 06:34 AM
I did miss you Jean! Glad to see you back!:woot:
Jeanie

wellslipmystitches
06-14-2011, 06:50 PM
Not sure where I got this one. No matter. I think it's a tickle, especially for anyone who's lucky enough to have a job and is working their buns off to keep it, regardless of the demands and there are lots of you out there.

Question: Do you think it'd be more difficult to work for your boss or for the Pope?

Favorite answer: Of course it'd be easier working for the Pope.
The Pope only expects me to kiss his ring!

If you don't like this one I'll probably have to start sending blonde jokes or worse - viola jokes. Jean

Arielluria
06-14-2011, 07:59 PM
:teehee: loved it!

wellslipmystitches
06-15-2011, 04:00 PM
:teehee: loved it!

Just shows what an erudite, astute judge of comedic consequences you are. So what else is new? Got funnies?
Jean

saracidaltendencies
06-16-2011, 12:17 AM
Hope this one isn't too political...lol


A son asks his father, "What can you tell me about politics?" "OK, son, the best way I can describe politics is to use an analogy. Let's say that I'm a capitalist because I'm the breadwinner. Your mother will be the government because she controls everything, our maid will be the working class because she works for us, you will be the people because you answer to us, and your baby brother will be the future. Does that help any?" The little boy said, "Well, Dad, I don't know, but I'll think about what you said."

Later that night, after everyone had gone to bed, the little boy was awakened by his baby brother's crying. Upon further investigation, he found a dirty diaper. So, he went down the hall to his parent's bedroom and found his father's side of the bed empty and his mother wouldn't wake up. Then he saw a light on in the guest room down the hall, and when he reached the door, he saw through the crack that his father was in bed with the maid. The son then turned and went back to bed.

The next morning, he said to his father at the breakfast table, "Dad, I think I understand politics much better now." "Excellent, my boy," he answered, "What have you learned?" The little boy thought for a minute and said, "I learned that capitalism is screwing the working class, government is sound asleep ignoring the people, and the future's full of crap."

saracidaltendencies
06-16-2011, 12:19 AM
NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF A WOMAN

There were 11 people - ten men and one woman - hanging onto a rope
that came down from a helicopter.

They all decided that one person should get off, because if they
didn't, the rope would break and everyone would die.

No one could decide who should go, so finally, the woman gave a really
touching speech saying how she would give up her life to save the
others, because women were used to giving up things for their husbands
and children, giving in to men, and not receiving anything in return.

When she finished speaking, all the men started clapping.

:teehee:

wellslipmystitches
06-17-2011, 03:47 PM
Sara, I've sent the 'Power of a woman" to many. The one about the little boy reminds me of another, not so bitey as yours. You know the only thin wrong with politics is that politicians are in charge of it

This one is about a little 1st grader who came home from school one day and while he was having a snack asked his mom . . . "Where did I come from?"

His mom thought it was a little early to be explaining things but, asked his dad to talk with him about it. His dad took him aside and gave him all the info about procreation that he could ever use.

When the little guy came back to the kitchen where his mom was preparing dinner, she asked, "Well, now do you understand more about how you got to be here?"

The little guy said, " Well, I'm not sure about everything dad told me and I really only asked because I have a new friend at school named Tommy - and he said he came from Chicago - so I just wondered where I came from?!!!?

kittykins
06-19-2011, 07:08 PM
You will NEVER guess what this ad is about..

.http://www.noob.us/humor/you-will-never-guess-what-this-ad-is-about/

Well I never guessed, and I thought it was a pretty clever ad. Jeanie

wellslipmystitches
07-25-2011, 06:59 PM
So most of you will agree - we're hot! Not in any really good sense though. People are very grumpy, whiny and irritable. If I could get 4 more negatives and add a few expletives I'd have my very own take on the Snow White fairy tale.

Try to imagine "It's Sno Wonder" and her 7 deviant employees. I Don't expect to get a G rating.

For just a few moments let us forget the heat. Enjoy the following and if you like it I'll try to find more. This is from a friend in the KH.
Jean

While conducting some business at the Court House, I overheard a lady, who
had been arrested for assaulting a Mammogram Technician, say, "Your Honor,
I'm guilty but ... There were extenuating circumstances."


The female Judge said, sarcastically, "I'd certainly like to hear those
extenuating circumstances." I did too so I listened as the lady told her
story.


"Your Honor, I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept. I was
met by this perky little clipboard carrier smiling from ear to ear who
tilted her head to one side and crooned, "Hi! I'm Belinda! All I need you to do
is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this
gown. Is that clear?"



I'm thinking, Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science. Belinda then
skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors. With the right side
finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, “Hmmmm. Can you
stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?"


"Fine," I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not
use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck to finish me off? My
body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged
between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when I heard and felt a
zap! Complete darkness, the power was off!



Belinda said, "Uh-oh, maintenance is working, bet they hit a snag." Then
she headed for the door. "Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise
alone are you?" I shouted. Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy
puppy...the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be
right back." Before I could shout NOOOO! She disappeared. And that's
exactly how Bubba and Earl, "maintenance men extraordinaire" found
me...half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed
between glass!


After exchanging a polite Hi, how's it going type greeting, Bubba (or
possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.
Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible,
"Uh, yes, I did but thanks anyway." "OK, you take care now" Bubba replied
and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery
store.


Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no
attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh I am sooo sorry! The power
came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch..
Are we upset?" And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up
between the clamps...."


The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said "Case Dismissed!”

kittykins
07-26-2011, 01:19 PM
Jean,
Now I wonder where you found that hilarious story? Thanks so much for posting it! Jeanie

Wanda Witch
07-26-2011, 02:03 PM
Sitting here LMAO. Thanks, you made 'another' miserably hot day bearable. Thanks. :roflhard:

wellslipmystitches
07-26-2011, 02:42 PM
Glad! If it made anybody feel a little better, thank Kittykins for the original story. I always mix up our name when I sign off.:>)

Can't help wondering where all the A's are that are being laughed off in so many messages— Oh, of course — How silly of me. They're all gathered in Washington D.C.
Jean

TreshaRuthe
07-30-2011, 12:37 PM
Is *that* what happened to them... and here I thought they were parading around the country claiming to be men?


Sorry, sarcasm is my own personal brand of humour usually.

wellslipmystitches
07-31-2011, 06:06 PM
Sarcasm, satire and vitriol are all fine, depending how, why and at whom they are aimed and how they are tempered.

I usually keep my big mouth under control, but not always.
I'm going to stick my neck out and put a religious based joke on the Laugh Line. Last time I put something a little edgy on I got shot down. It was ethnic, not religious but I got shot anyway. Well look at me . . . I survived!

Check out the laugh line later. With this heat — maybe much later.
Jean

TreshaRuthe
07-31-2011, 07:17 PM
I try to keep my sarcasm in check. Though DH would swear I'm physically incapable of NOT being sarcastic after catching me meowing back at the most annoying cat I've ever owned in a sarcastic tone. (I don't know how I did that, but he swears I did.)

wellslipmystitches
08-01-2011, 01:10 PM
I try to keep my sarcasm in check. Though DH would swear I'm physically incapable of NOT being sarcastic after catching me meowing back at the most annoying cat I've ever owned in a sarcastic tone. (I don't know how I did that, but he swears I did.)

Great story! Your DH should have alerted the media that his wife was guilty of animal abuse filled with sarcasm! Would that be a misdemeanor or a felony rap? Oh my, I could have fun extrapolating that one into one of my many observations.

It is, what it is . . . and I said I'd send a joke to the laugh line. That follows.
Jean

wellslipmystitches
08-01-2011, 01:28 PM
A young man was torn by guilt and decided to confess his sin.

In the confessional he recited the long known liturgy, Bless me Father etc. etc. It took all the courage he had to admit that he had been stealing lumber from a job site where he was an apprentice carpenter.

His priest asked if he was truly repentant and advised that he return the lumber he stole.

The poor fellow said he really couldn't do that without getting caught and, no doubt, being fired and he had a family to feed and clothe and couldn't risk losing his job because of them.

His confessor decided to be lenient because of the circumstances and told the young man that for his penance he'd like him to make a Novena.

The relieved fellow spoke up and said, " Of course, Father! I can make a Novena—adding with enthusiasm . . . "Hell, Father. With the lumber I stole, if you want I can make you a whole new church"!

Jean

SDK
08-08-2011, 08:58 PM
I try to keep my sarcasm in check. Though DH would swear I'm physically incapable of NOT being sarcastic after catching me meowing back at the most annoying cat I've ever owned in a sarcastic tone. (I don't know how I did that, but he swears I did.)
I meow back at my cat too, you're not alone.

saracidaltendencies
09-01-2011, 10:21 PM
OK, here's a HILARIOUS joke that I've been trying to find for the longest time...I read it years ago and couldn't find it anywhere when tonight a friend on Facebook had it posted as her status!!

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge Heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral........I'm a gynecologist".



:roflhard:

wellslipmystitches
09-02-2011, 03:17 PM
I really needed a laugh. Thanks, Sara. Wish we could liven up more people to send some uplifting and funny stuff. I guess world conditions are against that - plus the weather. I know people in Texas and Oklahoma don't think much is funny right now. I really feel for them when a spark from a lawn mower can set off a fire that might take their house.

Somebody please send more funnies! We all need them.
Jean
P.S. Ms. reader/writer you have a PM waiting.

Jan in CA
09-02-2011, 04:14 PM
Hahahaha! That was hilarious, Sara!

wellslipmystitches
09-07-2011, 04:05 PM
Remembered a couple that I don't think have been posted before.
Enjoy! Jean

Singin' to the choir!

The choir marched down the church aisle singing a lovely psalm and the congregation was so pleased . . . until one soprano caught her high heel in a floor grate - pulled the grate out of it's mooring over a large gaping hole whose bottom was the basement heating system. She continued in step, dragging the grate as if nothing had happened.

Unfortunately, so did the tenor behind her who, without missing a beat, fell headlong into the void!

********************************************
Another choir marched down a church aisle bravely singing a four part chorale. It was a beastly hot day in Texas and some of the choir members had decided to wear nothing but their robes.

One lovely girl slowed a bit and the singer behind her stepped on the hem of her robe, ripping it off!.

While the poor girl scrambled to retrieve her robe the minister facing her and waiting at the altar immediately reacted and loudly proclaimed that all the congregants should face forward and not look back because they'd be struck blind if they did.

One 90 year old fellow in the front pew turned, put a hand up, covering his right eye and said, "I"LL RISK AN EYE"!!

Jan in CA
09-11-2011, 12:28 AM
Omg!!:roflhard:


GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?

wellslipmystitches
09-26-2011, 07:16 PM
For those of you who haven't had a belly shakin' laugh today - try this. Everyone has different perceptions. Perhaps yours will be different one day.

Enjoy, Jean




>> I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to
>> make an appointment for a colonoscopy.
>>
>>
>> A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the
>> colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point
>> passing briefly through Minneapolis.
>>
>>
>>
>> Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a
>> thorough, reassuring and patient manner.
>>
>>
>> I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my
>> brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR
>> BEHIND!'
>>
>>
>> I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a
>> product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a
>> microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice
>> it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.
>>
>>
>>
>> I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
>>
>>
>>
>> Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance
>> with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was
>> chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.
>>
>>
>> Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder
>> together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For
>> those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons).
>> Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an
>> hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a
>> mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
>>
>>
>> The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense
>> of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may
>> result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may
>> experience contact with the ground.
>>
>>
>> MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have
>> you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep
>> experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode
>> had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the
>> bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then,
>> when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of
>> MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future
>> and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
>>
>> After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
>>
>>
>> The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not
>> only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional
>> return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on
>> Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers
>> would not be enough.
>>
>>
>> At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally
>> agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full
>> of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and
>> took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by
>> sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more
>> naked than when you are actually naked.
>>
>>
>> Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand.
>> Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already
>> lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.
>>
>>
>>
>> At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I
>> pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the
>> bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have
>> no choice but to burn your house.
>>
>>
>> When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy
>> was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube,
>> but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I
>> was seriously nervous at this point.
>>
>>
>> Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking
>> something up to the needle in my hand.
>>
>>
>> There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was
>> 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that
>> could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be
>> the least appropriate.
>>
>> 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.
>>
>>
>> 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for
>> more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am
>> going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
>>
>>
>>
>> I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling
>> Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and
>> the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very
>> mellow mood.
>>
>>
>>
>> Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt
>> excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all
>> over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been
>> prouder of an internal organ.
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> On the subject of Colonoscopies ...
>>
>>
>> Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite
>> humorous!!!!! A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made
>> by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
>>
>> 1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'
>>
>> 2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
>>
>> 3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
>>
>> 4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
>>
>> 5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'
>>
>> 6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
>>
>> 7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
>>
>> 8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
>>
>> 9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
>>
>> 10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
>>
>> 11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
>>
>>>>
>>
>>
>> And the best one of all:
>>
>>
>> 13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'