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Egeria
05-02-2005, 06:07 AM
Warning! Porn talk ahead! May offend some viewers! But I need advice!

I should tell you I'm not a religious person and neither is my DH. I will buy him Maxim, FHM occasionally because I know that he is a man, he will look at other women, and I'm not bothered by that. I don't want this thread to be about whether or not men should look at porn or not. I don't mind if he does and he knows that.

The deal is, I was cleaning house this morning, DH has gone out and I noticed his drawer was stuck and wouldn't close. I'm not the snooping type ok so I just pulled to drawer out to see what was stuck.

It was a porn dvd. I've never seen it before. Occasionally a dvd will be included in Maxim magazine or something but this was of a more...adult nature.

I just don't know why he feels he should hide it on me? He knows I'm not bothered by it, heck we even watched porn together once. But why did he hide it? I'm concerned by that. I think it may have to do with my low self esteem but then, I've always had low self esteem. He might think that I would feel worse about myself if I knew he was watching it. But that just isn't true!

I don't know what to do when he comes home. I've fixed the drawer and just put the dvd inside it. Do I mention it? I don't want to sound the nosy housewife. Should I just not say anything?

Any advice would be so appreciated!

Egeria
05-02-2005, 06:41 AM
In the meantime, I'm going to my LYS...I need some retail therapy!

foothills
05-02-2005, 07:20 AM
I am certainly no marriage counselor, but have been married 33 years to the same man, so I will offer my unofficial opinion! I believe that in order for a marriage to be successful, being open and honest concerning your feelings is important. If finding the porn DVD is weighing heavily on your mind, then I think you should let him know how you came upon it without "attacking" him because as you said, his possession of it could be somewhat innocent in that it was included with a magazine. My thoughts on the "porn" issue are that if a couple wants to watch such material, that is between the two of them. If he put in inside a drawer in your home, I wouldn't think that he was trying to hide anything at all.

KellyK
05-02-2005, 07:34 AM
If you are anything like me, these questions will stick in your mind and the reasons for it being "hidden" will get worse and worse in your head until you talk to him.

If it makes you feel any better, I encountered the exact same situation a year ago....and this year will be our 10th anniversary! In my case, some of this "material" (4 DVDs hidden WAY in the back of the storage area of our VERY deep entertainment center) featured VERY large-chested women of a totally different race! That didnt bother me in and of itself, except that if he is having fantasies, then I might want to be involved in them...and there is no way on EARTH that I can turn myself into EITHER a black OR a very large-chested woman for him! :shifty: THAT was the thought that kept turning over and over in my head.

I think MOST men own some of this material, and by "most" I mean 99.7%.

In all probability, he was not hiding it from YOU as much as hiding it from anyone else that might be popping by. Porn, by nature and throughout history, is "stuff-to-be-hidden". I have never been to a home (with the exception of a Frat House when I was in college) where it is sitting out as a coffee table book. ;)

When I finally talked to DH about it, it turns out that these were a "gift" from a friend that has his own "porn DVD duplication and distribution business" (this I knew :rollseyes: ) and these were some leftovers that no one else was buying.

I had gone over it in my head so much that I was QUITE nervous and didnt know HOW to bring it up....I think I started with, :( "Huney....do you wish I was a large-breasted black woman???"

Just TALK to him in a non-threatening way. Let him know it caused a smidgen of insecurity on your part (even if its just the fact that he was hiding ANYTHING from you). You'll feel much better. :thumbsup:

brendajos
05-02-2005, 07:56 AM
yeah i think you need to talk to him about it or it will be the elephant in the room that nobody is talking about. and he won't even know why it is there. the longer you wait to ask him the more it will become a "thing."

Nuno930
05-02-2005, 08:03 AM
In all probability, he was not hiding it from YOU as much as hiding it from anyone else that might be popping by. Porn, by nature and throughout history, is "stuff-to-be-hidden". I have never been to a home (with the exception of a Frat House when I was in college) where it is sitting out as a coffee table book.

I think Kelly nailed it there.

I've talked to my husband about this before because a friend was having some "porn issues" and I remember he said that men really are not that malicious. We ( women) tend to think they are much more methodical than they really are. As my husband says “You give us too much credit”

Just ask him :) You’ll feel better.

hedgehog
05-02-2005, 08:11 AM
I realize i'm new here but i (unfortunately) have a lot of experience in dealing with this issue. I won't go into details but suffice it to say that it eventually broke up a most cherished relationship.

I agree that you should talk to him. If it bothers you, then it IS important.

-hh

KellyK
05-02-2005, 08:16 AM
I have to add something here....

:inlove: I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!!!!! :inlove:

I LOVE that we can have a tasteful, compassionate and empathetic discussion about our DH's porn on a knitting website! I LOVE that no one has been offended....I LOVE that with all of our different backgrounds and ages and so on that we relate about so many different things!

THANK YOU, Egeria, for posting about your PORN ISSUE! Something I never thought would make me feel WARM AND FUZZY inside!! :heart: :heart: :heart:

benniesma
05-02-2005, 08:40 AM
As my husband says “You give us too much credit”

Ha! :lol:

Not like you need one more "me too!", but I'm going to add it anyways. Talk to him and get it off your chest. You don't want it to fester and cause a problem.

I also agree that I don't think he was hiding it from you. He probably thought that if it was in the entertainment center with the other videos, a guest could find it. If he was hiding it, he needs to work on his hiding skills! Any good snoop would have found it real quick. ;)

brendajos
05-02-2005, 09:07 AM
I have to add something here....

:inlove: I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!!!!! :inlove:

I LOVE that we can have a tasteful, compassionate and empathetic discussion about our DH's porn on a knitting website! I LOVE that no one has been offended....I LOVE that with all of our different backgrounds and ages and so on that we relate about so many different things!

THANK YOU, Egeria, for posting about your PORN ISSUE! Something I never thought would make me feel WARM AND FUZZY inside!! :heart: :heart: :heart:



With all that being said can i confess to how hard i laughed at your "Honey do you want me to be a big chested black woman" comment? If it makes you feel better i nearly choked from it, with this nasty chest cold i have going on! ;)

franna724
05-02-2005, 09:08 AM
I definitely think you should talk to him. The issue of porn has popped up in my marriage and my friend's marriage. With my friend, she caught her hubby...uh...pleasuring himself during a video when she walked through the door earlier than expected from work. If a marriage can survive that, I think it can survive ALMOST anything. Though both my friend and I were hurt with what we'd discovered, talking with our hubbies proved to be the right move. Five years later, hubby and I are still happy.

And yes, I think it's great that any topic can be discussed on this board. You definitely feel like you've got friends around here. And it also makes it easier because we don't have to look each other in the eye when we say the word "porn" :roflhard:

brendajos
05-02-2005, 09:09 AM
btw...i saw a comedian one time talking about his collection and the great lengths men go to hide it from their wives and girlfriends. he said after all the work they do to make sure they are really clever about their hiding places where does the woman always find it?


yup...in the vcr....lol

KellyK
05-02-2005, 09:23 AM
Sorry, Brenda!! (Well, not REALLY....I had to laugh about it when it was all done & over, too!) Hope you feel better soon! :heart:

Norman
05-02-2005, 09:26 AM
Okay.. meaning to step in here.. since I'm of the male variety and have been reather quiet the last few months :) (btw, you'll see me more active)

Now.. Let's get to the fact that he was "hiding it from you in a drawer"

Well, being a man myself, I know that I would never hide my porn (if I had any *wink*) in a drawer where my wife would see it.

Why? Because my wife is not comfortable with watching or having it in the open.. she knows I have it.. she just doesn't know to what extent. we often joke about.

Men, in thier nature, will go to GREAT GREAT lengths to hide this stuff.... most of the times we get lazy or forgetfull and leave it "unhidden" (ie: in the dvd player/vhs player) but something like putting it in a drawer where he knows you may get into.. this I don't believe is really "hiding" it per se .. This was more putting it out of public pervue..

If he wanted to hide it from you, and make sure you didn't see it.. he would have :)

Now I'm not trying to start anything.. I'm just throwing in my point of view here.. :) So please take it as such and not anything else.

I would bring it up.. if you feel that's the best.. I mean most men and women for that fact, feel porn as being a taboo.. because it's not as intimate as the marital situation.. it's fantasy.. and everyone fantasizes.. Men, women.. everyone.. just .. men are more "open" to get things of this nature.

If you two have a pretty open marriage I would bring it up.. heck my wife found some once and she joked with me about it.. which with me was much easier than her just walking up with it and holding it up and looking at me.. :)

My 2 cents..

foothills
05-02-2005, 09:32 AM
I too, found Kelly's inquiry to her DH hilarious...I might even ask him if he'd like me to knit him a weenie warmer :roflhard:

Whatever you do...keep it lighthearted because life is way too short to keep things bottled up inside ;)

Joyce

Norman
05-02-2005, 09:34 AM
I too, found Kelly's inquiry to her DH hilarious...I might even ask him if he'd like me to knit him a weenie warmer :roflhard:
Joyce

You know.. my wife crochets and she found a patter for a "willy warmer" and she constantly is asking me.. "Do you want me to make you one"

I just laugh and say.. "U,mmmm. no"

:)

Egeria
05-02-2005, 10:02 AM
Thank you guys SO MUCH for not getting offended and for leaving me your honest thoughts about the issue!

I'm going to talk to him about it because maybe he does have a logical explanation for why it was in the back of the drawer (not even in the drawer but behind it). I just want him to know he does not HAVE to hide anything from me.

I don't want to sound accusing or anything, because I know my husband had fantasies, heck so do I and I know nothing ever comes of them.

Anyway, I'll let you all know how it goes. I don't think I'll start off like Kelly though with my version: 'Say sweetie, do you want me to be with another girl for you?' HA! That would be funny though to see the look on his face!

I think I'll just start off with 'Honey, you know you don't have to hide things from me right?'

Ok. here I go. Wish me luck!

perced
05-02-2005, 12:37 PM
Ok. here I go. Wish me luck!

Good Luck! I just wanted to add that when you don't talk about something, you make it an issue. It doesn't matter how trivial, it will become a problem if you are thinking about it.

brookenic
05-02-2005, 12:57 PM
I'm here a bit late but I agree with all the other girls here. You need to say something.


I think I'll just start off with 'Honey, you know you don't have to hide things from me right?'
Ok. here I go. Wish me luck!
That is a good thing to say. Good luck and I'm sure everything with be O.K. :heart:

amy
05-02-2005, 02:44 PM
Great advice here. Sounds like a good plan Egeria! :thumbsup:

While we're on the topic of self confidence and intimacy, I'll share something I've learned about men and physical attraction, something I found to be a big relief to know....

I've got a fairly "modelesque" body type, and I've had several partners before Sheldon. Not once, from any of them, have I ever had the compliment "wow, you're so slender and skinny." Or ANYTHING like that. I've gotten compliments on my hair and personality, but that's all I can recall. Oh, and the recurring compliment while in the bedroom has been "You're skin's so soft" (really my skin is just average). I think men just shift completely into tactile/touching mode, when intimate, hence the skin compliment. And unless they're completely programmed by porn, or totally self-absorbed, they shift into a very vulnerable and loving place, when intimate, which is simply not about criticizing details of a woman's body.

Boy was I psyched when I realized this. I used to not relax at all in the bedroom because I had cellulite on my butt. :rollseyes: We women can be so paranoid about this stuff. Now I'm totally relaxed. I seriously think that most heterosexual men don't even pay attention to this stuff.

Amy

Sara
05-02-2005, 03:02 PM
Perhaps, if I'm not too late, a good question for your DH, Egeria, is:

"You know that porn doesn't really bother me, right?"

That gives him the clue that you're not starting a fight, you're not mad at him for having it in the first place and just wondering why it was in the drawer. If he has other porn, perhaps you could just put that one with the others. Or if I didn't have kids, I would probably put it in the DVD player and be sitting on the couch when he got home! :lol:

Thanks for the input, Norman! It's nice to see other Iowans on the forum. I'm from Ames, DH is from Marion. There are about 4 of my friends from high school who married Lynn County men. And all of them are quite the catch!

Nuno930
05-02-2005, 03:04 PM
Thanks for the input, Norman! It's nice to see other Iowans on the forum. I'm from Ames, DH is from Marion. There are about 4 of my friends from high school who married Lynn County men. And all of them are quite the catch!

I'm from Iowa ;)

Norman
05-02-2005, 03:05 PM
Ahhhh.. I'm not a catch.. course the wife always disagrees with me and It's good to see someone else from Iowa.. :)

There is a knitting group around here.. but I dunno if I will join it.. alot of old women..

anyway.. of topic (of this off topic)

I agree with her opening line.. that is a great way to start it!

:)

mascarasnake
05-02-2005, 03:05 PM
I completely agree with everything everyone has said here. You have to talk to him or you will really resent him and the whole situation.

That being said, there is one important thing I want to stress. Don't think that he was trying to be devious about hiding the dvd. We are taught culturally to be ashamed of sex and anything sexual in nature. Like any young boy, he was probably chastised when he was little for masturbating or looking at "dirty" pictures. Hiding sexual things is a natural reaction for anyone in our culture. I don't know if you have kids or anything, but if someone were over at you house, they wouldn't want to see your porn! So don't think that he was being deceitful by hiding it. It's a natural and respectful tendency. I'm sure he knows you're okay with it, but he probably figured that didn't mean you wanted to see it.

*hugs*

Egeria
05-02-2005, 03:53 PM
Well it didn't go the way I expected. I did open with 'you know you don't have to hide things from me right?' and kinda went downhill from there.

Basically he had no idea what I was talking about and then I froze up and didn't mention the dvd so it left him confused and me hurt and now I'm just hoping he'll see it IN the drawer where I left it and then he'll understand.

Man I thought we were good at communicating. Obviously I have things to learn. I don't feel like going to bed now, or at least...I'd like to sleep on the couch or something. I'm such a failure. It should have been so easy to bring it up. Why did I freeze?

:crying:

Nuno930
05-02-2005, 04:06 PM
Why did you freeze? :?? Honestly I think you are expecting something much bigger than it really is and are afraid to know the "truth". In reality (and assuming you have a healthy marriage) the "truth" is probably no big deal. I think you should go back again and try once more. :)

Egeria
05-02-2005, 04:10 PM
He was just getting so annoyed I didn't want to delve further into it. Not that I'm afraid of him, god no, but when he doesn't understand something he tends to clam up.

I don't think I'll try again. I may as well just leave it because it IS unimportant. So he watches porn. Big deal. So he has to hide it and lie about it. Fine. It no less than what I expect anyway.

So I'm getting a bit negative here. I think I will go knit some of these bad vibes away.

KellyK
05-02-2005, 04:11 PM
OH, EGERIA, Im so sorry it didnt go the way you planned! (((HUGS)))

I can understand being upset, after all its the HIDING and not the porn that you are most worried about. And, no matter how open and honest and open-minded we are, there are still sensitive spots in all of us women. And we never know what is going to set off that "weridness" or sensitivity.

TRY AGAIN. Take a deep breath and just SAY IT. Start with "I dont know WHY this made me feel so weird, but it did and I need to talk to you about it."

And, him not knowing what you were talking about just goes to show that it certainly wasn't foremost in his mind. That deepens my gut feeling that he wasnt purposefully trying to hide it from you.

If you can at all help it, dont sleep on the couch. That is only going to make him feel like you are angry with him about something and will put him on the defensive when you DO bring it up. Its going to start you off with a tense situation and you dont want that.

We're here for ya!

hedgehog
05-02-2005, 04:14 PM
Why did I freeze?

Maybe it does bother you....??

I dunno - i'm not of the majority. I don't subscribe to the "boys will be boys" philosophy.

But then again, i've seen how bad it really can be - much of which i wish i hadn't. :verysad:

I hope you find a way to communicate your concerns and resolve it. WHATEVER it is you're feeling, just know that it is "right". Your perception or knowledge of the facts might be wrong, but your feelings, based on what facts you know at present, are never wrong. (That's a general "rule of thumb" thing, really)

*hugs*
-hh

Sorry to be a downer - i'll be better tomorrow. It's semester finals time... Ick. :mad:

Egeria
05-02-2005, 04:23 PM
Thanks for the advice guys but I really don't think I could bring it up again. After the first conversation he'll just be angry that I was making assumptions. And when he gets an idea in his head it's hard to shake off.

Talking to him is like this: :wall:

So I will just have to let it go. It was only one dvd after all. I must have been overreacting. Funny how the first thing I thought of when I found the dvd was to come post for advice here.

(((HUGS)))

Thanks for listening and being such good friends.


(There's no huggy emoticon but you get the picture)

MaggieL
05-02-2005, 05:42 PM
Egeria,

My DH and I are both somewhat conservative, and I don’t know have a lot of personal experience from which to draw. I do love the way KellyK handled the situation, however it may not be your style. You know your DH best. He may have just thrown it in the drawer and it fell or was knocked out the drawer.

I agree with the others. I don’t think it is a big deal on his part.

Sleep on it. Tomorrow’s always another day. Just don’t let it eat at you.

(((Hugs)))

benniesma
05-02-2005, 09:07 PM
Oh sweetie! So sorry it didn't go well. If it makes you feel better, it actually went much better than when I spoke with my DH about it. I kept it bottled up too long, he knew something was wrong and when he asked I just started bawling and couldn't stop.

The worst part is that he wasn't even watching it (we don't "do" porn) and I was totally mistaken about the whole thing! Of course I had just had a baby and was a tad emotional. It scared the crap out of him! :rollseyes:


I hope tomorrow is a better day!

Egeria
05-03-2005, 08:54 AM
Thanks so much for all your advice. In the end I went to talk to him again about it 'cos it was on my mind. At the advice of KellyK and ekgheiy I took it casual.

Basically a lad at work lent the dvd to my DH. He took it home, watched it and stuck it in his sock drawer so he would remember to take it back to work. It fell behind the drawer where he promptly forgot about it.

He wasn't trying to hide anything, and didn't want to watch it with me either as it was 'mediocre'. Then he laughed at me for getting so worked up about it.

I'm curious...how is it 'mediocre'?! Maybe I should watch it just to see... ;)

Nuno930
05-03-2005, 09:06 AM
(((((HUGS)))))) See! talking about it is much better! :D

perced
05-03-2005, 11:50 AM
I am glad you tried again. Some people wouldn't have been brave enough. :thumbsup:

brookenic
05-03-2005, 12:06 PM
((((HUGS)))) I'm glad you worked it out. :sunny:

benniesma
05-03-2005, 02:06 PM
I'm so glad you tried again!

amy
05-03-2005, 02:52 PM
:cheering: Way to go Egeria!

I think what you just went through was not just avoiding a bad thing, but really creating a wonderful thing for your relationship: improved trust and communication! :thumbsup: In my mind, the strongest relationships are built on exactly such accomplishments.

Congratulations! :balloons:
Amy

Nuno930
05-03-2005, 02:57 PM
And now that the serious stuff is cleared up... when I first saw the title of this post I thought you were looking for porn reccomendations :thumbsup:

brendajos
05-03-2005, 03:00 PM
:roflhard:

MaggieL
05-03-2005, 05:19 PM
:roflhard: :rofling: Nuno :roflhard: :rofling:

MaggieL
05-03-2005, 05:20 PM
Egeria,

I know you must be relieved. Way to go! :thumbsup:

perced
05-03-2005, 05:30 PM
And now that the serious stuff is cleared up... when I first saw the title of this post I thought you were looking for porn reccomendations :thumbsup:

And of course you wanted to recommend your favorites! :devil:

Hildegard_von_Knittin
05-03-2005, 10:17 PM
OH MY G's!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HOW DID I MISS A PORN TOPIC???????????????? :doh: :doh: :doh:

(of course, KK chimed right in, I see... :eyebrow: )

Even though I'm late, I have to put in my 2 cents...
In agreeance with KK, it's the hiding that would tork me off, not the porn itself. I don't mind porn. Porn is fun. DH and I have a very un-jealous relationship; I we went to a wet tshirt/drunk girls getting naked contest once and I held him up on my sholders for a good 30 minutes so he could see better (I won the "best wide ever" award from several of his friends)... BUT finding even mediocre porn (seemingly) hidden in secret would infuriate me! You had more forethought than I would in a finding something situation... it would have been a screaming match for sure (if I was actually "surprised" by porn... my reaction would be more like "oh I haven't seen this one"... but you get the drift).
HedgeHog said that even though your perception might be wrong, your feelings never are... DH and I talk about this *all* the time, and thank goodness we agree that no matter what happened, if the other feels angry/threatened/invalidated/etc then that is the most important thing. If I said i wanted to watch a certain movie, and he popped in something else, I might be angry that he wasn't listening.; after discussion, the reality was that he didn't hear, but since my perception was that he ignored me, he would apologize for that, anyway.

It's great that your DH was so open and honest about it. Maybe you can use this newly discovered (thought possibly fleeting) interest to your atvantage. :eyebrow:

Egeria
05-04-2005, 02:03 AM
Nuno you are tooooooooo funny!!! :roflhard:

You guys are all just the best! I'm so glad I followed my instinct and posted here about this, otherwise, I probably WOULD have gone into overdrive and started yelling and accusing and all sorts!

Thanks for keeping me sane!

Well...ok...slightly less insane then....

Nuno930
05-04-2005, 11:14 AM
And now that the serious stuff is cleared up... when I first saw the title of this post I thought you were looking for porn reccomendations :thumbsup:

And of course you wanted to recommend your favorites! :devil:

Well who doesn't want to recommend "Buffy the Vampire Layer" or "Ghost Lusters"? classics really.

ekgheiy
05-04-2005, 11:38 AM
And now that the serious stuff is cleared up... when I first saw the title of this post I thought you were looking for porn reccomendations :thumbsup:

And of course you wanted to recommend your favorites! :devil:

Well who doesn't want to recommend "Buffy the Vampire Layer" or "Ghost Lusters"? classics really.

Buffy the Vampire Layer??? :shock: :?? :roflhard: :roflhard:

Hildegard_von_Knittin
05-04-2005, 11:56 PM
Starbangers 9?

KellyK
05-05-2005, 12:31 AM
OK, ladies...CAREFUL now!!! :twisted:

Egeria
05-05-2005, 02:20 AM
I knew this was going to happen, I just knew it!

Ok, anyone seen Debbie Does Dallas? Saw a documentary about it...hehheh

hedgehog
05-05-2005, 09:07 AM
:blush: Um, right... this is where i step off of this thread :)

Egeria, I'm glad you had a chance to discuss it and be heard. Well done.

-hh

ekgheiy
05-05-2005, 10:08 AM
I knew this was going to happen, I just knew it!

Ok, anyone seen Debbie Does Dallas? Saw a documentary about it...hehheh

Haha ... I didn't know that documentaries were made about mature movies. I bet you won't find those on E!'s "Behind the Scenes" ... :rofling: ... then again ... :thinking: They did do a documentary about Jenna Jamison.

justanotherknitter
05-05-2005, 07:20 PM
just couldn't resist on this one. if i would of found it i would of asked why he didn't wait for me to watch it with him. my husband seems to "imagine what if" like what if you did that or what if i could do that

beldaraan
05-06-2005, 01:27 AM
I can't believe no one has suggested making your own porn to boost that self confidence girl!!

Ladies!! C'mon now! It's great fun!

3......2.......1...... :thumbsup:

brendajos
05-06-2005, 02:52 AM
:doh: