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Joel
05-16-2005, 04:14 PM
Hey Everyone.

I'm not sure if this has been already done on here... but....

Lisa sends me a bunch of assorted humor emails, many of which are pretty funny. And occasionally i get other humor stuff from other people. Anywho, I was thinking it would be cool to share funny stories and jokes with others on this forum (whether knitting related or not).

To that extent: I figure what the hey.... I'll get it started. Feel free to laugh, contribute, and just enjoy!!!

Joel
05-16-2005, 04:15 PM
An award should go to the Air Canada gate agent in Winnipeg for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded Air Canada flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I am sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but, I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM ?"
Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone, "May I have your attention please, " she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 4 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Air Canada agent, gritted his teeth and swore "F*** You!".
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in line for that too!"

amy
05-16-2005, 04:58 PM
That's awesome!! Is that really a true story? It's a good one in any case! :roflhard:

I don't have any good jokes, but the funniest thing I've seen in a long time is the cat-video link Feministmama shared recently on this thread (http://www.knittinghelp.com/knitting/forum/viewtopic.php?t=1768). Sooooo funny indeed.

Joel
05-16-2005, 05:00 PM
I have no clue if its true or not... it was one that i got from LisaD715 as forwarded humor email.

But yeah, i thought it was funny too.

ekgheiy
05-16-2005, 05:30 PM
Okay ... I'll bite ... :mrgreen:

For anyone who owns a bird with a well exercised set of lungs ... I'm sure you can get the humor in this. I SURE DID ... Compliments of my resident EXTREME SQAWKER, George! :shock:

Anyhoo - I received this one around Thanksgiving.

I haven't yet shoved George into the freezer. It wouldn't do any good anyway ... there's no poultry stored in there... :roflhard:

Rorshach
05-16-2005, 05:34 PM
Well you all might like this link:
http://media.euniverse.com/funpages/cms_content/9482/newsoapbox2.swf

I found it pretty 'umorous.

brendajos
05-16-2005, 05:37 PM
is it clean enough for me to click to at work?

amy
05-16-2005, 06:14 PM
Yes that one's clean.

Ekgheiy, that's a cute parrot one. :lol:

Rorshach
05-16-2005, 06:22 PM
wouldn't post anything that wasn't clean, since quite a few of us browse this at work. :D

brendajos
05-16-2005, 06:54 PM
wellllllll ya never know! ;)

Joel
05-19-2005, 04:14 PM
Got this in humor email too:

This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac, doing 65 mph with her
face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner. I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was
halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear
which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and
disconnected an important call.

Damn women drivers!!!

amy
05-19-2005, 04:24 PM
That's a riot Joel. :roflhard:

ekgheiy
05-19-2005, 05:44 PM
:rofling: :rofling: :roflhard: :roflhard:

Joel
05-21-2005, 06:15 PM
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American
on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men
began discussing their home lives.

"Last night, I made love to my wife four times," the
Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious
crepes and she told me how much she adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the
Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful
omelet and told me she could never love another man."

When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly
asked, "And how many times did you make love to your
wife last night?"

"Once," he replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what
did she say to you this morning?"

"Don't stop."

LisaD715
05-22-2005, 12:39 AM
Hey....you are publishing all my material!!!!

lol

ekgheiy
05-22-2005, 03:15 PM
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American
on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men
began discussing their home lives. ... (etc) OMG - too funny! :rofling:

Joel
05-23-2005, 11:31 AM
Hey....you are publishing all my material!!!!

lol


I gave you credit! :D

And you are more than welcome to publish it yourself. ;) :thumbsup:

KellyK
05-26-2005, 10:09 AM
Anyone that has ever played D & D or any kind of "role playing" game will enjoy THIS COMIC STRIP (http://www.giantitp.com/cgi-bin/GiantITP/ootscript?SK=1).

ekgheiy
05-26-2005, 12:56 PM
CHECK OUT THIS VIDEO:

RAYMOND AND HIS LOVE FOR HIS CHEESE (http://www.immortal3d.com/Animations/Mouse_final.mpg).

No worries ... it's rated PG. It has music playing in the background, so you might want to check your speakers to an appropriate volume ;)

Credit: www.immortal3d.com

:roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard:

KellyK
05-26-2005, 01:19 PM
AWW! Poor guy!! :roflhard:

KellyK
06-17-2005, 08:19 AM
I had to revive this post for THIS (http://www.storewars.org/flash/index.html)
:roflhard:

amy
06-18-2005, 06:20 PM
I loved that video! Cuke Skywalker and Obi Won Connoli. :roflhard:

Great message,too, it's so true! I just got back from volunteering all day for my start-up food co-op. :thumbsup:

KellyK
06-19-2005, 05:34 PM
I thought you'd like that one, Amola!

Joel
06-28-2005, 02:55 PM
I was reading through posts and either from lack of sleep or whatever was having a confused moment. Luckily, I had an epiphany shortly after that. The epiphany was completely unrelated to the post of course but an epiphany all the same. :roflhard:

That said.... I'd like to start a Knitter's Dictionary. No... this will not explain 8 Ply in quite the same way most people would think of it but still....

And so it begins... feel free to contribute! ;)

Knitting Term - - - - - - - -What it means

8 Ply Moment...................Dense "blond" moment. (I dont get it.)
Rolling in the Yarn............Excited

KellyK
06-28-2005, 03:22 PM
Fiberbating...........the act of FEELING everything at your LYS just for the sheer PLEASURE of it! :twisted:

LisaD715
06-28-2005, 03:37 PM
OMG............I've been Fiberbating for years.......should I seek help? :shock:

KellyK
06-28-2005, 07:45 PM
NO, Lisa....Fiberbating is a perfectly natural thing to do! :thumbsup:

Hildegard_von_Knittin
06-29-2005, 12:16 AM
just be careful if you start to develop fiber on your palms... then you should leave off for a while.

jodstr2
06-30-2005, 08:21 PM
A first grade teacher had twenty-five students in her class and she
presented each child in her class the first half of a well known
proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.
It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their
insight may surprise you. While reading these keep in mind that these
are first graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is classic!


1. Don't change horses...............................until they stop
running.

2. Strike while
the............................................bug is close.

3. Its always darkest before........................Daylight Saving
Time.

4. Never underestimate the power of................ termites.

5. You can lead a horse to water but.................how?

6. Don't bite the hand that ........................... looks
dirty.

7. No news
is................................................ .....impossible

8. A miss is as good as a....................................Mister

9. You can't teach an old dog new .................. math.

10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll ................stink in the
morning.

11. Love all, trust ................................................me .

12. The pen is mightier than the.......................pigs.

13. An idle mind is........................................the best
way to relax.

14. Where there's smoke there's........................pollution.

15. Happy the bride who......................................gets
all the presents.

16. A penny saved is..............................................no t
much.

17. Two's company, three's ..................................the
Musketeers.

18. Don't put off till tomorrow what.................you put on to
go to bed.

19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry....... and
you have to blow your nose.

20. There are none so blind as.............................Stevie Wonder.

21. Children should be seen and not......................spanked
or grounded.

22. If at first you don't succeed..........................get
new batteries.

23. You get out of something only what you........see in the picture
on the box.

24. When the blind lead the blind ......................... get out of
the way.

The WINNER!
25. Better late
than.............................................. ......pregnant.

KellyK
06-30-2005, 11:52 PM
:roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard:

I LOVE six yr old kids.....they are SO honest. TOO funny!

I remember reading an article (maybe the Mothers' Day edition) of the local newspaper...they had asked children to write up the recipes for hamburgers, chocolate chip cookies, a couple other every-day items. HYSTERICAL....the cookies had to bake for, like 5 HOURS (it MUST feel like that to a kid who's waiting for them!), there were all kinds of strange ingredients, etc....

feministmama
08-09-2005, 10:50 PM
Well I'll just start another one:

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So, how is
everything going," inquired God.

"It is all so beautiful," replied Eve. "The sunrises, the sunsets are
breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have
just one problem... it's these breasts you have given me. The middle one
pushes the other two and I am constantly knocking them with my arms,
catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They are a real
pain," reported Eve.

Eve went on to tell God that since all the other parts of her body came in
pairs such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc...she felt that having only two
breasts
might make her body more "symmetrically balanced" as she put it.

"That is a fair point," replied God, "but it was my first shot at this, you
know,
I gave the animals six breasts so I figured you only needed half of those.
I see that you are right so I will fix it right away." God reached down and
removed
the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.
"Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?ā?¯

"Just fantastic," She replied, "but for one over sight on your part.
You see all the animals are paired off. The Ewe has the Ram and the Cow has
her
Bull. All the animals have a mate except for me. I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment and said, "You Know, Eve, you are right. How could
I have overlooked this? You do need a mate. I will immediately create a man
from a part of you. Now let's see, where did I put that useless Boob?"

Now doesn't that make more sense than that crap about the rib?

BinkyKat
08-09-2005, 10:59 PM
:roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard:
I've read this joke before, but it is still funny!
thanks for another good laugh! :roflhard: :roflhard:

BinkyKat
08-09-2005, 11:08 PM
Ole and Sven were unfortunately let go from their jobs at the factory. They went to the payroll office to collect their final paychecks and were asked by the clerk what to describe their jobs and they would get paid an extra percentage based on how difficult their jobs were. Ole tells the clerk, "I am a panty stitcher." The clerk checks his papers and determines Ole is entitled to a $1000 bonus. Sven tells the clerk, "I'm a deisel fitter." The clerk checks his papers again and is sorry to inform Sven that he only gets a $100 bonus. "That's unfair! I vork much harder den Ole, vy do I get a smaller bonus?" The clerk replies, "Well, explain to me what each of you does and maybe that will make a difference."
Ole: "Vell, I take da fabric and cut it, den I sew it up into da ladies bloomers...I'm a panty stitcher."
Sven: "My job is very stressfull, I have to be very careful and pay attention to details... ven Ole is done stitchin' da panties, I hold dem up and say... Yep, deez'll fit 'er!"
:roflhard: :roflhard:

Vendie
08-10-2005, 07:22 AM
:roflhard: :roflhard: to both of you!

KellyK
08-10-2005, 07:40 AM
I found the old thread for ya, Femmy! I merged 'em, too..... :thumbsup:

Joel
08-10-2005, 12:32 PM
Those are pretty funny... even the useless boob one. It seems funny that joke is a "ribbing" against guys considering the other normal version.

lol

Silver
08-10-2005, 12:57 PM
*snort* :roflhard:

Rorshach
08-10-2005, 04:36 PM
I don't know about that, Joel, that joke tends to "rib" me the wrong way.

punkhippiemom
08-11-2005, 11:27 PM
"diesel fitter"....~snicker~
Here's one... not new, but still funny... No matter how smart you think you are; sometimes there is**absolutely no substitute for philosophical simplicity.

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"

Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe, you dumber than buffalo dung. Somebody stole tent."

Joel
08-14-2005, 02:55 PM
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"

Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe, you dumber than buffalo dung. Somebody stole tent."

:roflhard:

Silver
08-14-2005, 03:50 PM
Ok, for the guys who don't like the male bashing jokes.. this one is one of DH's favorites.

Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A: None. It should be open by the time she brings it to you.


(Still cracks DH up. I just roll my eyes at him and tell him to go get me a Diet Coke.)

Rorshach
08-14-2005, 04:14 PM
Actually, it's gender bashing in general that I don't care for, don't get me wrong, the joke in of itself was funny, but I figure this site is 99% women, so male bashing I would guess would be a part of it. I'll tolerate it by keeping my mouth shut next time.

feministmama
08-15-2005, 06:35 PM
I found the old thread for ya, Femmy! I merged 'em, too..... :thumbsup:

how do you DO that??? You rawk my world woman :heart:

feministmama
08-15-2005, 06:37 PM
Ok, for the guys who don't like the male bashing jokes.. this one is one of DH's favorites.

Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A: None. It should be open by the time she brings it to you.


(Still cracks DH up. I just roll my eyes at him and tell him to go get me a Diet Coke.)

oooooOOOOOOO :shock:

KellyK
08-15-2005, 06:39 PM
I just used the search tool.....

Joel
08-18-2005, 03:29 PM
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing of one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's {2005} winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an assh*le.

3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stop bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting l**d.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

12. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these
really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

13. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.

14. Glibido: All talk and no action.

15. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
they come at you rapidly.

16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

17. Beelzebug (n.): Sata! n in the form of a mosquito, that gets into
your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

18. Caterpallor (n): The color you turn after finding half a worm in
the fruit you are eating.

punkhippiemom
08-18-2005, 05:24 PM
OMG Joel....I am so forwarding this!
:roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard: Reintarnation!!! :roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard:

KellyK
08-20-2005, 05:54 PM
OMG that was HYSTERICAL...how did I not see that until now?!?!

Here's an email I just got, for all of us that are anti-fans of Wal*Mart! I am particularly fond of 11 and 13, but can see myself and Hildie havin a field day with any of the following....

WARNING...FOUL HUMOR ALERT!!

Things to do at Wal-Mart while your spouse/partner is taking their sweet time:
1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples' carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares and see what happens.

5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll
invite them in if they'll bring in pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, & and pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he
knows where the anti- depressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the Mission Impossible theme.

12. In the auto department, practice your Madonna look using different
size funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack; when people browse through, say PICK ME!

14. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!

And; last, but not least!

15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while; and then
yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

MaggieL
08-20-2005, 06:11 PM
:rofling: :rofling:

Joel
08-21-2005, 08:57 AM
:roflhard:

Ok... some of those are hilarious KK... I'd actually consider doing them...
and I'm not anti or pro Wallyworld. We go there alot because my wife really likes it. :twisted:

Rennagayle
08-22-2005, 01:27 PM
15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while; and then
yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"


I am ROTFLOL at that one!!! :roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard:

Joel
08-24-2005, 12:47 PM
My apologies to the blondes...

A policeman spots a blonde driving and knitting at the same time. Driving up beside her, he shouts out the window... "Pull over!"

"No," she shouts back, "it's a scarf!"

ekgheiy
08-31-2005, 01:17 PM
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where
she selected:

a half-gallon of 2% milk,
a carton of eggs,
a quart of orange juice,
a head of romaine lettuce,
a 2 lb. can of coffee,
and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to
check out, a
drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the
items in front of
the cashier.


While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the
drunk calmly stated,
"You must be single."


The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but
she was intrigued
by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed
single.


She looked at her six items on the belt and saw
nothing particularly
unusual about her selections that could have tipped
off the drunk to her
marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well,
you know what,
you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you
know that?"


The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

jodstr2
08-31-2005, 01:30 PM
:roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard:

AidanM
08-31-2005, 01:39 PM
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American
on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men
began discussing their home lives.

"Last night, I made love to my wife four times," the
Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious
crepes and she told me how much she adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the
Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful
omelet and told me she could never love another man."

When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly
asked, "And how many times did you make love to your
wife last night?"

"Once," he replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what
did she say to you this morning?"

"Don't stop."

Dirtydirtydirty!! :roflhard:

I have a smart blonde joke!

A beautiful, curvaceous blonde walks into casino wearing skin-tight jeans and a halter top. She steps up to a table and starts to play. It's immeadiately obvious to the other players that she has no idea what she's doing. However, she giggles and smiles the whole time. Finally she is out of money and she sighs sadly. She asks if she can bet her shirt. The men at the table eagerly agree, and soon she is smiling and giggling again even though she loses. Soon she goes "Oh well, a bet's a bet." and pulls off her halter top, stands there for a few moments, before she walks away to go back to her hotel room.

The men burst out laughing, and joking, thinking that they've just played the best game of their lives. The dealer says "I don't know what you think is so funny. She just stole all your money."

LisaD715
09-01-2005, 11:26 PM
Good one Aidan!!!!!

Joel
09-21-2005, 01:00 PM
I got the following from my father in an email and had to put it in here... :roflhard:

Hi

A friend of mine who works at GM sent me this simple explanation to determine if you drive too fast. Do you recognize anyone who might be guilty?

Hope this places a smile on your face, if nothing else.

KellyK
09-21-2005, 01:53 PM
AWWWWW! :shock:

Joel
09-22-2005, 06:38 PM
Geez... am i the only one who found that funny???

KellyK
09-22-2005, 08:05 PM
For those of us who are NOT fans of DUBBYA....
http://www.badmash.org/videos/videos_flv.php?v=george_bush_512K_Stream

:roflhard:

Ingrid
09-22-2005, 08:33 PM
Some of these are great!


>> You are an EXTREME Redneck when:
>>
>> 1. You let your 14 year-old-daughter smoke at
>> the dinner table in
>> front of her kids.
>>
>> 2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and
>> down depending on
>> how much gasoline it has in it.
>>
>> 3. You've been married three times and still
>> have the same in-laws.
>>
>> 4. You think a woman who is "out of your league"
>> bowls on a
>> different night.
>>
>> 5. You wonder how service stations keep their
>> restrooms so clean.
>>
>> 6. Someone in your family died right after
>> saying, "Hey, guys, watch
>> this."
>>
>> 7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
>>
>> 8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a
>> ceiling fan.
>>
>> 9. Your junior prom offered day care.
>>
>> 10. You think the last words of the "Star
>> Spangled Banner" are
>> "Gentlemen, start your engines."
>>
>> 11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your
>> house exploded right
>> off its wheels.
>>
>> 12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more
>> teeth than your
>> spouse.
>>
>> 13. You have to go outside to get something from
>> the fridge.
>>
>> 14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
>>
>> 15. You need one more hole punched in your card
>> to get a freebie at
>> the House of Tattoos.
>>
>> 16. You can't get married to your sweetheart
>> because there's a law
>> against it.
>>
>> 17. You think loading the dishwasher means
>> getting your wife drunk.
>>
>> 18. You can't remember what is under the blue
>> tarp in the front of
>> your house.

Joel
09-23-2005, 10:01 AM
:roflhard:

InterNette
09-23-2005, 08:21 PM
Joel the drving to fast with the dog one cracked me up. I laughed and laughed and am still laughing. Poor baby.

punkhippiemom
09-24-2005, 01:37 PM
made me think of my kids when DH is driving... :rollseyes:
(in a funny way ;) )

KellyK
09-26-2005, 06:48 PM
Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing.He concludes by
saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" Bush exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the
President sits, head in hands.

Finally, Bush looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

Ingrid
09-26-2005, 06:54 PM
:rofling: :thumbsup:

LisaD715
09-26-2005, 07:14 PM
Gee Kel....how DO you feel about our current C-I-C?!?!?! :roflhard:

I know, I know, I know....he is such an EASY target.......

KellyK
09-26-2005, 07:58 PM
Im just passin on what I get in my email!! :shifty:

punkhippiemom
09-27-2005, 10:58 AM
:roflhard: :roflhard: Oh yeah, that one's a keeper!

LisaD715
09-27-2005, 02:10 PM
Kelly, I was teasing, I crack on him every chance I get......he truly is a VERY easy target!!

feministmama
09-27-2005, 07:48 PM
Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing.He concludes by
saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" Bush exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the
President sits, head in hands.

Finally, Bush looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

:roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard: spits out drink :roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard:

Joel
09-29-2005, 01:51 PM
Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing.He concludes by
saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" Bush exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the
President sits, head in hands.

Finally, Bush looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

:roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard: spits out drink :roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard:


Geez.... im gonna have to start wearing an apron when I walk in here.... (brushing spit drink off)

InterNette
09-29-2005, 02:47 PM
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said, "No ." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Dan! ny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled, "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

InterNette
09-29-2005, 02:48 PM
i HOPE THIS DOESNT OFFEND ANYONE, I TRULY DONT MEAN TO BUT I HAD TO LAUGH AT THESE.


While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter!!

KellyK
09-29-2005, 03:03 PM
:roflhard:

InterNette
09-29-2005, 07:22 PM
These are jokes, just so you know, I dont have any children so they didnt happen to me.

punkhippiemom
09-30-2005, 07:41 AM
:roflhard: I was almost PIMP the first time I saw those....
here ya go.... These were sent to me under the heading, "Women as explained by an engineer"...

KellyK
09-30-2005, 07:43 AM
OMG...she doesnt even STOP at the Gap!! :roflhard:

tab
09-30-2005, 03:05 PM
My mom sent me this one.

Joel
09-30-2005, 03:29 PM
:roflhard:

Those are hilarious!

foldedbird
09-30-2005, 03:29 PM
LOL... a house cozy!

Ingrid
09-30-2005, 04:30 PM
Hey! The house cozy was MY idea! What a way to use up my stash! I saw this in my local paper today, too, but didn't know how to get it on here. I would bet that the guy who made the cartoon has a SO who knits!

foldedbird
09-30-2005, 04:46 PM
No doubt about, it St. Ingrid!

jodstr2
09-30-2005, 05:01 PM
You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
- That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed."
- That's Advertising.

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
- That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his tie brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
- That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."
- That's Brand Recognition.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home with your friend.
- That's a Sales Rep.

Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.
- That's Tech Support.

You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated toward the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"
- That's Spam.

KellyK
09-30-2005, 10:12 PM
:roflhard: TECH SUPPORT?!?!

foldedbird
09-30-2005, 11:37 PM
Doesn't Aaron work in tech support?

Rorshach
09-30-2005, 11:40 PM
yup but I work in Business technical support, where we're generally able to satisfy everybody.

foldedbird
09-30-2005, 11:42 PM
:rofling: :roflhard:

feministmama
10-01-2005, 01:22 PM
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"

OOOOOo. :roflhard: drink :roflhard: throu :roflhard: the :roflhard: nose :roflhard:

feministmama
10-01-2005, 01:23 PM
"If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"

OK you are SO making this up aren't you???? :roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard:

KellyK
10-01-2005, 01:52 PM
She's NOT...I got those both via email at one time or another... :roflhard:

LisaD715
10-01-2005, 04:20 PM
Still two of my VERY favorite e-mails!!!! :roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard:

Joel
10-03-2005, 12:41 PM
:roflhard:

Jodi... that post was hilarious.... I hadn't seen that one before.

jodstr2
10-05-2005, 10:57 PM
thanks Joel! :)

here's one I got today. it's old but I still like it.
_______________________________________


My mother was a fanatic about public bathrooms. When I was a little
girl, she'd take me into the stall, teach me to wad up toilet paper and
wipe the seat. Then, she'd carefully lay strips of toilet paper to cover
the seat. Finally, she'd instruct, "Never, NEVER sit on a public toilet
seat.

Then she'd demonstrate "The Stance," which consisted of balancing
over the toilet in a sitting position without actually letting any of
your flesh make contact with the toilet seat. By this time, I'd have wet
down my leg and we'd have to go home to change my clothes.

That was a long time ago. Even now, in my more "mature years, "The
Stance" is excruciatingly difficult to maintain, especially when one's
bladder is full. When you have to "go" in a public bathroom, you usually
find a line of women that makes you think there's a half-price sale on
Nelly's underwear in there.

So, you wait and smile politely at all the other ladies, who are also
crossing their legs and smiling politely. You get closer and check for
feet under the stall doors. Every one is occupied.

Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman
leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't
matter.

The dispenser for the new fangled "seat covers" (invented by
someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook if there was one - but there isn't - so you carefully
but quickly hang it around your neck. (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!). You yank down your pants, and assume "The
Stance" Ahhhh, relief. But then your thighs begin to shake.

You'd love to sit down but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe
the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance" as your
thighs experience a quake that would register an eight on the Richter
scale. To take your mind off of your trembling thighs, you reach for what
you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you
can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you would have tried to
clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!"

Your thighs shake more. You remember the tiny tissue that you blew
your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. That would
have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It is still
smaller than your thumbnail.

Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn't work.
The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of
your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of
the toilet.

"Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your
precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle, and sliding down, directly
onto the insidious toilet seat. You bolt up quickly, knowing all too well
that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every
imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never
laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken
time to try.

You know that your mother would be utterly ashamed of you if she
knew, because you're certain that her bare bottom never touched a public
toilet seat because, frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of
diseases you could get,"

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so
confused that it flushes, sending up a stream of water akin to a fountain
that suddenly sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto
the toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged off to China.

At that point, you give up. You're soaked by the splashing water.
You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your
pocket, then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. You can't figure out
how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past a line of women,
still waiting, cross-legged at this point, no longer able to smile
politely.

One kind soul at the very end of the line points out that you are
trailing a piece of toilet paper on your shoe as long as the Mississippi
River! (Where was it when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this."

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has since entered, used and
exited the men's restroom and read a copy of War and Peace while waiting for you.

Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?"

This is dedicated to women everywhere who have ever had to deal with
a public restroom (rest??? you've got to be kidding!!).

It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long.

It also answers their other commonly asked question about why women go to the restroom in pairs.

It's so the other woman can hold the door and hand you Kleenex under the door.

Joel
10-06-2005, 12:12 PM
:-) I've heard about this type of thing from my wife...

Joel
10-10-2005, 12:49 PM
It's kind of cheezy but I figured what the heck... (I got this in an email.)

Subject Things to Ponder

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away)
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

jodstr2
10-10-2005, 01:17 PM
:cheering: :roflhard: :cheering:
Joel!

Ingrid
10-10-2005, 01:18 PM
A big old GROAN! :roflhard:

mintdee
10-10-2005, 01:19 PM
:roflhard: :roflhard:

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
K I am a dork I laughed the hardest at that one. :roflhard:

Ingrid
10-13-2005, 07:25 PM
Would You Remarry ?


>>
>> A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed
>> reading when the wife
>> looks over at him and asks the question....
>>
>>
>>
>> WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get
>> married again?"
>>
>>
>>
>> HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
>>
>>
>>
>> WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
>>
>>
>>
>> HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
>>
>>
>>
>> WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
>>
>>
>>
>> HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
>>
>>
>>
>> WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
>>
>>
>>
>> HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
>>
>>
>>
>> WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
>>
>>
>>
>> HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
>>
>>
>>
>> WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
>>
>>
>>
>> HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
>>
>>
>>
>> WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
>>
>>
>>
>> HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
>>
>>
>>
>> WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
>>
>>
>>
>> HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to
>> do."
>>
>>
>>
>> WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
>>
>>
>>
>> HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
>>
>>
>>
>> WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
>>
>>
>>
>> HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
>>
>>
>>
>> WIFE: -- silence --
>>
>>
>>
>> HUSBAND: "sh*t."

jodstr2
10-13-2005, 08:19 PM
:roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard:

:thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup:

Joel
10-14-2005, 12:13 PM
:roflhard: :roflhard:

That's hilarious Ingrid!!!

MaryS
10-14-2005, 02:29 PM
Ingrid,


OOOPS!! :roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard:

Good laugh for today :thumbsup:

Mary

KellyK
10-18-2005, 09:33 AM
To get you in the Halloween spirit....

Joel
10-18-2005, 09:42 AM
:roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard:

I am so glad I wasnt taking a sip of coffee when I saw that one KK... That's hilarious!!!

Stonington
10-18-2005, 10:06 AM
Kelly that is great! :roflhard: Just sent it to DAH at work. Thanks lol

KellyK
10-20-2005, 08:40 PM
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.


WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding the items a woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."


UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh! , rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.


MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dis! likes." He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?" Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?


WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."


W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a
day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be
because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"


CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. " The wife responded, "Allow me to
explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!


WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were hav! ing an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The
husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife
replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man
should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"


The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home! and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Ingrid
10-20-2005, 08:47 PM
:lol: :thumbsup:

Ingrid
11-01-2005, 09:48 PM
Subject: 0 to 200 in 4 seconds!!!!!
* A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for
* weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little
* sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town.
*
* He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but
* everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
*
* "Look !" she said. I want something that goes from 0 to 200
* in 4 seconds or less. "And my birthday is coming up. You
* could surprise me."
*
* For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
*
* Services will be at Downing funeral home on Monday the 12th.
* Due to the condition of the body, this will be a closed
* casket service. Please send your donations to the 'Think
* before you say things to your wife foundation', Dallas, Texas.

Joel
11-01-2005, 09:55 PM
:lol: :doh:

AidanM
11-02-2005, 01:50 AM
Have I told ya'll my joke about the smart blonde?

Vendie
11-02-2005, 07:35 AM
:roflhard:

KellyK
11-02-2005, 08:11 AM
:roflhard:

Joel
11-02-2005, 10:43 AM
Have I told ya'll my joke about the smart blonde?

Go for it.... that's what this thread is about... passing on the laughs.

Vendie
11-02-2005, 11:13 AM
Double :roflhard:

AidanM
11-02-2005, 11:38 AM
So this blonde is staying in a hotel in Las Vegas, and of course she's there to gamble. She walks up to a table in the Casino, and it's apparent to the men there that she has no idea what she's doing. Soon, she's lost all of her money and she asks the men at the table if it would be alright for her to bet her shirt. Of course they say yes. So she plays a while longer, and lost. She shrugs and smiles before peeling off her halter top and hands it over to the dealer. She thanks the men for the interesting game and walks away. All the men start to laugh and hoot, congratulating themselves on getting to see such a fine specimen of womanhood.

The dealer breaks in to say, "I don't know what's so funny. While you were staring at her breasts, she stole all of your money."

Joel
11-02-2005, 11:43 AM
:D


(I've heard that one before...)

KellyK
11-10-2005, 12:52 AM
I know there are SEVERAL techies out there that will enjoy these!


Technical Support Woes.........................

Customer: I'm trying to connect to the Internet with your CD, but it
just doesn't work. What am I doing wrong?
Tech support: OK, you've got the CD in the CD drive,right?
Customer: Yeah....
Tech support: And what sort of computer are you using?
Customer: Computer? Oh no, I haven't got a computer. It's in the CD
player and all I get is weird noises. Listen...
Tech support: Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound so good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No . wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....... thank you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tech support: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital
letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.

Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point.
The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And last but not least...

Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the
same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P"..... on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!

mintdee
11-10-2005, 01:17 AM
:roflhard: :roflhard:

foldedbird
11-10-2005, 10:55 AM
beadedbrat: okay this is kind of creeeepy
beadedbrat: abi ripped a hole in the throat of her duck stuffed animal
AshtorethDH: ...
AshtorethDH: silly girl
beadedbrat: this is like the 4th toy she's ripped holes in
beadedbrat: do serial killers maime stuffed animals before they move on to the live ones?

punkhippiemom
11-13-2005, 02:40 PM
I know I've seen these before, but they're so funny, I had to post them here...


1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well,** "It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you,"says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in
the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.* "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds,
"They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)....

A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.


20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty*different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.

(my personal favorite - a guy walks into a bar, and says, "Ouch! That hurt!" :rofling: )

KellyK
11-13-2005, 03:54 PM
O :roflhard: M :roflhard: G :roflhard: !!!!!

punkhippiemom
11-13-2005, 04:47 PM
:thumbsup: I love the Ghandi one... that took some thinking!!

Ingrid
11-13-2005, 05:59 PM
:rofling: GROAN!!!!

Joel
11-14-2005, 12:44 PM
Some of those are pretty amusing...

:D



(ive actually seen a couple of those in the past)

jodstr2
12-06-2005, 01:22 PM
store sign

KellyK
12-06-2005, 01:25 PM
:roflhard: :cheering: :roflhard:

Jan in CA
12-06-2005, 01:43 PM
:roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard:

:heart: that sign!!!

countingsheep
12-06-2005, 02:33 PM
Ack! That sign!!! :shock: Maybe that's what happened to my daughter?

Got this today and knowing how many of you out there have kitties... it's a little long but... it explains why I have a dog!


As seen in a dog's diary :

7 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favourite!
8 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favourite!
9 am - Oh boy! The kids! My favourite!
Noon - Oh boy! The yard! My favourite!

2 pm - Oh boy! A car ride! My favourite!
3 pm - Oh boy! The kids! My favourite!
4 pm - Oh boy! Playing ball! My favourite!
6 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Mom! My favourite!

7 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Dad! My favourite!
8 pm - Oh boy! Dog food! My favourite!
9 pm - Oh boy! Tummy rubs on the couch! My favourite!
11 pm - Oh boy! Sleeping in my people's bed! My favourite!

As seen in a cat's diary:

Day 183 of my captivity... My captors continued to taunt me with bizarre
little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The
only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild
satisfaction that I get from clawing their furniture.

Tomorrow I will eat another houseplant.

Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they
were walking almost succeeded - must try this at the top of the stairs.

In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again
induced myself to vomit on their favourite chair. I must remember to try
this on their bed.

Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make
them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear in their
hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I
was. Hmmm, that did not work according to plan ...

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in
solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell
the food. More important, I overheard that my confinement was due to my
powers of inducing "allergies." I must learn what this is and how I may use
it to my advantage.

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog
is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously
a half-wit.

The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant and speaks with them
regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current
placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I have patience, I
can wait, it is only a matter of time...

KellyK
12-06-2005, 02:46 PM
:roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard:

Jan in CA
12-06-2005, 03:24 PM
LMAO!! :roflhard: :roflhard:

Ingrid
12-06-2005, 05:12 PM
:cheering: :roflhard: :cheering: :roflhard: :cheering: :roflhard:

KellyK
12-07-2005, 08:48 AM
I just got these via email....I forgot how FUNNY Calvin is! LOVE HIM!

Ingrid
12-07-2005, 08:50 AM
:roflhard: I was so sad when 'Calvin' retired.

KellyK
12-07-2005, 08:52 AM
And there's more...

Ingrid
12-07-2005, 09:00 AM
No question, he was the best!

countingsheep
12-07-2005, 09:01 AM
:roflhard: Calvin is my all-time FAVORITE!

Thanks for these!
Ang

feministmama
12-07-2005, 03:20 PM
OK this jsut happened to us the other day and it was so funny I just have to share. We were dringin along (Me, my son and his dad) on our way somewhere and we pass this new nudie bar. Now it has a name in a language other than english but I'm not sure what. So my son's dad and I are trying to sound it out. it looks like Gato Spravagri-something like that. I sya maybe its Russian and he says no its spanish, ya know gato means cat right. I say maybe blah blah blah. And maybe the other word means lap dance or something. So my son asks what is a lapdance? Now he's 9 so we say its when you're naked and dance around in front of people for money. ANd goes "why would you want a naked cat doing a lap dance?"

InterNette
12-07-2005, 03:28 PM
that is hilarious. While reading i thought for sure the next sentence would have been your saying mom you know another name for cat. Well you didnt tell us what your explanation was to your son?

CarmenIbanez
12-07-2005, 06:45 PM
Of course I haven't read all 10 pages of this post yet so hopefully I'm not repeating something, but I saw this and thought it was funy so here I post.

The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... And well worth the wait!
>
>An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
>
>The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
>
>The blond opened his lunch and said, Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
>
>The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
>
>The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
>
>The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
>
>At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
>
>The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
>
>Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife........
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch.

Ingrid
12-07-2005, 07:09 PM
:roflhard: :roflhard:

punkhippiemom
12-09-2005, 06:24 PM
This is a Mad-Libs style letter to Santa (http://members.aol.com/frogiearno/dearsanta.htm)for grownups only... I don't think I'm as daring as I used to be, mine was only mildly humorous, but could be pretty funny if your mind bends the right way ;)

KellyK
12-16-2005, 11:37 AM
Dogs' letters to God

Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?

Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?

Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the "Chrysler Eagle" the " Chrysler Beagle"?

Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog:

1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.

2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.

3. I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box, although they are tasty.

4. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

5. The sofa is not a "face towel". Neither are Mom and Dad's laps.

6. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

7. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

8. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration.

9. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

10. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying "hello".

11. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table.

12. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house - not after.

13. I will not throw up in the car.

14. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.

15. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when we have company.

16. The cat is not a "squeaky toy" so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

And, finally, My last question . . .

Dear God: When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back?

punkhippiemom
12-16-2005, 12:22 PM
16. The cat is not a "squeaky toy" so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
:roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard:
I like that one.... :thumbsup:

Ingrid
12-16-2005, 12:24 PM
11. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table.


*THUNK* :roflhard: :roflhard:

feministmama
12-16-2005, 02:32 PM
Dear God: When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back?

:shock:

Angelia
12-16-2005, 02:39 PM
OMG Kelly! Once again, I've scared the cats.

:roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard:

KellyK
12-17-2005, 10:31 AM
Here's another good'un from my Sis!

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL MOMS.

Dear Santa,
I've been a good Mom all year. I've fed, cleaned and cuddled my three children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my own doctor, sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground.

I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years.

Here are my Christmas wishes:

I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache (in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that don't hurt or flap in the breeze; but are strong enough to pull my screaming child out of the candy aisle in the grocery store.

I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy.

If you're hauling big ticket items this year I'd like fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music; a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals; and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I canhide to talk on the phone.

On the practical side, I could use a talking doll that says, "Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along with three kids who don't fight and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools.

I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting "Don't eat in the living room" and "Take your hands off your brother," because my voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by the dog.

If it's too late to find any of these product's, I'd settle for enough time to rush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container.

If you don't mind, I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely.

It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an organized crime family.

Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing and my son saw my feet under the laundry room door. I think he wants his crayon back.

Have a safe trip and remember to leave your wet boots by the door and come in and dry off so you don't catch cold.

Help yourself to cookies on the table but don't eat too many or leave crumbs on the carpet.

PS One more thing...you can cancel all my requests if you can keep my children young enough to believe in Santa.

punkhippiemom
12-17-2005, 10:52 AM
:thumbsup: That was awesome...

Angelia
12-17-2005, 11:02 AM
:inlove: :inlove:

Angelia
12-19-2005, 11:10 AM
This is an oldie but goodie. And you don't have to know anything about Sartre:

We have recently been lucky enough to discover several previously lost diaries of French philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre stuck in between the cushions of our office sofa. These diaries reveal a young Sartre obsessed not with the void, but with food. Aparently Sartre, before discovering philosophy, had hoped to write "a cookbook that will put to rest all notions of flavor forever.'' The diaries are excerpted here for your perusal.

October 3

Spoke with Camus today about my cookbook. Though he has never actually eaten, he gave me much encouragement. I rushed home immediately to begin work. How excited I am! I have begun my formula for a Denver omelet.

October 4
Still working on the omelet. There have been stumbling blocks. I keep creating omelets one after another, like soldiers marching into the sea, but each one seems empty, hollow, like stone. I want to create an omelet that expresses the meaninglessness of existence, and instead they taste like cheese. I look at them on the plate, but they do not look back. Tried eating them with the lights off. It did not help. Malraux suggested paprika.

October 6
I have realized that the traditional omelet form (eggs and cheese) is bourgeois. Today I tried making one out of a cigarette, some coffee, and four tiny stones. I fed it to Malraux, who puked. I am encouraged, but my journey is still long.

October 7
Today I agian modified my omelet recipe. While my previous attempts had expressed my own bitterness, they communicated only illness to the eater. In an attempt to reach the bourgeoisie, I taped two fried eggs over my eyes and walked the streets of Paris for an hour. I ran into Camus at the Select. He called me a "pathetic dork" and told me to "go home and wash my face." Angered, I poured a bowl of bouillabaisse into his lap. He became enraged, and, seizing a straw wrapped in paper, tore off one end of the wrapper and blew through the straw. propelleing the wrapper into my eye. "Ow! You ****!" I cried. I leaped up, cursing and holding my eye, and fled.

October 10
I find myself trying ever more radical interpretations of traditional dishes, in an effort to somehow express the void I feel so acutely. Today I tried this recipe:

Tuna Casserole
Ingredients: 1 large casserole dish
Place the casserole dish in a cold oven. Place a chair facing the oven and sit in it forever. Think about how hungry you are. When night falls, do not turn on the light.
While a void is expressed in this recipe, I am struck by its inapplicability to the bourgeois lifestyle. How can the eater recognize that the food denied him is a tuna casserole and not some other dish? I am becoming more and more frustated.

October 12
My eye has become inflamed. I hate Camus.

October 25
I have been forced to abandon the project of producing an entire cookbook. Rather, I now seek a single recipe which will, by itself, embody the plight of man in a world ruled by an unfeeling God, as well as providing the eater with at least one ingredient from each of the four basic food groups. To this end, I purchased six hundred pounds of foodstuffs from the corner grocery and locked myself in the kitchen, refusing to admit anyone. After several weeks of work, I produced a recipe calling for two eggs, half a cup of flour, four tons of beef, and a leek. While this is a start, I am afraid I still have much work ahead.

November 15
I feel that I may be very close to a great breakthrough. I had been creating meal after meal, but none seemed to express the futility of existence any better than would ordering a pizza. I left the house this morning in a most depressed state, and wandered aimlessly through the streets. Suddenly, it was aif the heavens had opened. My brain was electrified with an influx of new ideas. "Juice, toast, milk.." I muttered aloud. I realized with a start that I was one ingredient away from creating the nutritious breakfast. Loathsome, true, but filled with existential authenticity. I rushed home to begin work anew.

November 18
Today I tried yet another variation: Juice, toast, milk and Chee-tos. Again, a dismal failure. I have tried everything. Juice, toast, milk and whiskey, juice, toast, milk and chicken fat, juice, toast, milk and someone else's spit. Nothing helps. I am in agony. Juice, toast, milk, they race about my fevered brain like fire, like an unholy trinity of cruel denial. And the fourth ingredient! What could it be? It eludes me like the lost chord, the Holy Grail. I must see the completion of my task, but I have no more money to spend on food. Perhaps man is not meant to know.

November 21
Camus came into the restaurant today. He did not know I was in the kitchen, and before I sent out his meal I loogied in his soup. Sic semper tyrannis.

November 23
Ran into some opposition at the restaurant. Some of the patrons complained that my breakfast special (a page out of Remembrance of Things Past and a blowtorch with which to set it on fire) did not satisfy their hunger. As if their hunger was of any consequence! "But we're starving," they say. So what? They're going to die eventually anyway. They make me want to puke. I have quit the job. It is stupid for Jean- Paul Sartre to sling hash. I have enough money to continue my work for a little while.

November 24
Last night I had a dream. In it, I am standing, alone, on a beach. A great storm is raging all about me. It begins to rain. Night falls. I am struck by how small and insignificant I am, how the entire race of Man is but a speck in the eye of God, and I am but a speck of humanity. Suddenly, a red Cadillac convertible pulls up beside me, In it are these two beautiful girls named Jojo and Wendy. I get in and the take me to their mansion in Hollywood and give me a pound of cocaine and make mad, passionate love to me for the rest of my life.

November 26
Today I made a Black Forest cake out of five pounds of cherries and a live beaver, challenging the very definition of the word "cake." I was very pleased. Malraux said he admired it greatly, but could not stay for dessert. Still, I feel that this may be my most profound achievement yet, and have resolved to enter it in the Betty Crocker Bake-Off.

November 30
Today was the day of the Bake-Off. Alas, things did not go as I had hoped. During the judging, the beaver became agitated and bit Betty Crocker on the wrist. The beaver's powerful jaws are capable of felling blue spruce in less than ten minutes and proved, needless to say, more than a match for the tender limbs of America's favorite homemaker. I only got third place. Moreover, I am now the subject of a rather nasty lawsuit. December 1 I have been gaining twenty-five pounds a week for two months, and I am now experiencing light tides. It is stupid to be so fat. My pain and ultimate solitude are still as authentic as they were when I was thin, but seem to impress girls far less. From now on, I will live on cigarettes and black coffee.

punkhippiemom
01-03-2006, 09:36 PM
Married women... the answer is here...


He didn't like the stew,

I didn't mend his socks

The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer

I was looking for a clue.

Then I turned around and smacked him...


Like his Mother used to do.


;) :roflhard:

Ingrid
01-03-2006, 09:37 PM
:thumbsup: :thumbsup: :roflhard:

Angelia
01-03-2006, 10:06 PM
:roflhard: :roflhard: :thumbsup:

jodstr2
01-05-2006, 03:46 PM
THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY OUT LOUD AT WORK:

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of s***.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you are saying.

10. Ahhh... I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...

11. I like you! You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. And your crybaby whiny-a**ed opinion would be...?

22. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

23. Do I look like a people person?

24. This isn't an office. Its Hell with fluorescent lights.

25. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.

26. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

27. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

28. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

29. Whatever kind of look you were looking for, you missed.

30. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

31. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

32. Can I trade this job for what's behind door # 1?

33. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

34. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

35. Chaos, panic and disorder-my work is done.

36. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

37. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.

38. Oh I get it...humor...but different.

punkhippiemom
01-05-2006, 10:47 PM
:roflhard:
As soon as you figure out how to set a laser printer to stun, fill me in.... :twisted:

Sara
01-05-2006, 10:55 PM
I :heart: Jodstr's list! :roflhard:

Angelia
01-06-2006, 12:36 AM
:roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard:


Very nice! :thumbsup:

jodstr2
01-06-2006, 01:51 PM
Happy New Year!!!

As another year will shortly be a memory, my heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me forwards" over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Extra thanks for the ones that I have to open 15 times to get to the message.

Special thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes 'cause I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope.

Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer drink Pepsi, or Dr Pepper, since the people who make these products are atheists who won't put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from, nor send packages by UPS, or FedEx, since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone, because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC, because their "chickens" are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus, since I now have their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul, because at last count I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer have any savings, because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time)

I no longer have any money at all - but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special email program.

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7 inutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM (EDT) this afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of mine's next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

Have a very HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Angelia
01-06-2006, 02:57 PM
:roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard:

punkhippiemom
01-06-2006, 03:06 PM
A Love Story .... with a message!



I SHALL SEEK AND FIND YOU..

I SHALL TAKE YOU TO BED AND HAVE MY WAY WITH YOU..

I WILL MAKE YOU ACHE, SHAKE AND SWEAT UNTIL YOU MOAN AND GROAN.

I WILL MAKE YOU BEG FOR MERCY...BEG FOR ME TO STOP.

I WILL EXHAUST YOU TO THE POINT THAT YOU WILL BE RELIEVED WHEN I'M FINISHED WITH YOU.

AND YOU WILL BE WEAK FOR DAYS.



ALL MY LOVE.

THE FLU


Now get your mind out of the gutter....

And get your flu shot!!!!!!

Angelia
01-06-2006, 03:17 PM
:roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard:

Brilliant!!

Danielle
01-13-2006, 07:25 PM
This is so funny!!

http://www.youtube.com/?v=vEWLwz6JRNE

Vendie
01-13-2006, 08:40 PM
Oh I didn't need to see that last one! :shock: oh my eyes!

blueeyes28
01-13-2006, 08:45 PM
After my youngest son was born I had talked about getting my tubes tied and my 7year old must have heard me and one day in the check out line at the grocery store he said " Mom I bet you don't dare to have your tubes tied" everyone in line turned around at once and he said "oh no is tubes tied a bad word?" :??

punkhippiemom
01-14-2006, 12:06 AM
:lol: Kids... you never know when they're actually listening to you LOL... :rollseyes:

Angelia
01-14-2006, 08:48 AM
:roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard:

That video is hilarious! Thanks Danielle! :thumbsup:

KellyK
01-14-2006, 02:54 PM
I LOVE that many people dont even think it ODD that the picture booth is TALKING to them! :roflhard:

jodstr2
01-14-2006, 03:02 PM
:roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard: awesome! :thumbsup:

Jan in CA
01-14-2006, 08:00 PM
Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. I have been using the bathroom for years--canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:



Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture .)

3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours, and does not speak clearly.

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they: eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes , don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell their children....

:roflhard:

Ingrid
01-14-2006, 08:14 PM
:thumbsup: :thumbsup: :roflhard:

Angelia
01-15-2006, 09:44 AM
:cheering: :cheering: :cheering:

KellyK
01-15-2006, 10:36 AM
:roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard:

feministmama
01-19-2006, 02:11 PM
and if they get pregnant, you can sell their children....
:roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard:

punkhippiemom
01-19-2006, 04:11 PM
I love the Darwin Awards.....

Don't know if this is the official announcement, but -


Yes, it's that magical time of the year again when the Darwin Awards are
bestowed, honoring the least Evolved among us. Here then, are the glorious
winners."

Darwin Award Winners:

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim
during a holdup in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did
something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried
the trigger again. This time it worked. And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting
machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his
insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men
to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The
chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during
a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken
the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver
found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from
Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the
driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free
ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the
staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.
The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head
wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the
injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he
could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter,
and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled
a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly
provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20
bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer?$15.
If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that
he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some
booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at
the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the
head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of
Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed
her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able
to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the
police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to
the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there
for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's
the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a
Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded
cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash
register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk
said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked
away.

A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a
Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at
the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near
spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to
steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage
tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying
that
it was the best laugh he'd had in years.

CateKnits
01-19-2006, 04:17 PM
I think the last one is my favorite. I wouldn't have pressed charges, either.
I love the Darwin Awards, too. :D

KellyK
01-19-2006, 06:43 PM
:roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard: Gotta love the Darwins!!

Indygirl
01-19-2006, 07:20 PM
Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. I have been using the bathroom for years--canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:



Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture .)

3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours, and does not speak clearly.

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they: eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes , don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell their children....

:roflhard: :heart: Love it. :thumbsup:

Angelia
01-20-2006, 07:38 AM
Love the Darwins!! :roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard:

CarmenIbanez
01-20-2006, 05:55 PM
Okay, I didn't look through every page, so I hope this isn't a repeat. Got this one today and loved it!

The Inheritance

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly,
widowed father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.
So one evening, he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most
beautiful woman he'd ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said, as he walked up to her,
"but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

The woman went home with Charles that evening, and three days later,
she became his stepmother.

When will men learn?

Danielle
01-20-2006, 06:05 PM
:roflhard: :roflhard:


One for the ladies




One day my housework-challenged husband decided to
wash his Sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he
shouted to me, "What
setting do I use on the washing machine?"
>> >
>> > "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your
>> > shirt?"
>> >
>> > He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
>> >
>> > And they say blondes are dumb...
>> >
>> > A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going
>> > to make you the happiest
>> > woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss
>> > you..."
>> >
>> > "It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says
>> > as he stepped out of
>> > the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors
>> > would think if I mowed
>> > the lawn like this?"
>> >
>> > "Probably that I married you for your money," she
>> > replied.
>> >
>> > He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
>> > She said - That's a good
>> > idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit
>> > on the sofa and fart.
>> >
>> > Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking,
>> > sensitive man?
>> > A: A rumor
>> >
>> > A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were
>> > celebrating their 40th wedding
>> > anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came
>> > to them and said that
>> > because they had been so good that each one of them
>> > could have one wish. The
>> > wife wished for a trip around the world with her
>> > husband.
>> >
>> > Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets
>> > in her hands.
>> >
>> > The man wished for a female companion 30 years
>> > younger...
>> > Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love
>> > that fairy!
>> >
>> > A PRAYER....
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > Dear Lord,
>> > I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
>> > Love to forgive him;
>> > And Patience for his moods.
>> > Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
>> > I'll beat him to death.
>> >
>> > AMEN
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > Q: Why do little boys whine?
>> > A: They are practicing to be men.
>> >
>> > Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
>> > A: Trustworthy.
>> >
>> > Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed
>> > gasping for breath and
>> > calling your name?
>> > A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
>> >
>> > Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their
>> > males after mating?
>> > A: To stop the snoring before it starts.
>> >
>> > Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the
>> > toilet?
>> > A: It helps them remember which end they need to
>> > wipe.
>> >
>> > Q: What is the difference between men and women?
>> > A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.
>> > A man wants every woman
>> > to satisfy his one need.
>> >
>> > Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your
>> > e-mail?
>> > A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
>> >
>> > Send this to five bright, funny women you know and
>> > make their day! And send
>> > this to five bright men who have enough sense of
>> > humor to take it!

Angelia
01-20-2006, 07:44 PM
:roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard:

Ingrid
01-25-2006, 06:17 PM
> A CNC EQUIPMENT SALESMAN is driving around Texas and he sees a sign in front of a house:
>
> "Talking Dog For Sale."
>
> He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there."You talk?" he asks.
>
> "Yep," the Lab replies.
>
> "So, what's your story?"
>
> The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."
>
> "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down! I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."
>
> "I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
>
> The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten dollars," the guy says.
>
> "Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
>
> "Because he's a liar. He never did any of that CRAP."

CarmenIbanez
01-25-2006, 06:22 PM
:roflhard: :rofling:

Angelia
01-25-2006, 11:48 PM
:roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard:

KellyK
01-26-2006, 12:20 AM
:roflhard:

PurlyGyrl
01-26-2006, 04:33 PM
:roflhard:

Angelia
01-26-2006, 07:08 PM
My dad sent this to me; I hope it isn't just a recycled something from years ago...Still, some are pretty funny!

THE YEAR'S BEST [actual] HEADLINES OF 2005:


Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[No, really?]

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[Now that's taking things a bit far!]

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[Not if I wipe thoroughly!]

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!]

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so!]

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]

War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[You think?]

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[Who would have thought!]

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!]

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
[he probably IS the battery charge!]

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[Weren't they fat enough?!]

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas
In Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through
Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Ingrid
01-26-2006, 07:10 PM
Reminds me of Leno's Headlines! :rofling: Don't these people read this stuff? :rollseyes:

Jenelle
01-26-2006, 07:14 PM
:roflhard: :rofling:

Angelia
01-26-2006, 07:16 PM
I don't think they read them, no...
:rofling: :rofling:

Once, many MANY years ago, a storeowner (elderly) in my tiny hometown insisted on doing his own radio spots at the local radio station. The most famous, and this actually aired a few times before being pulled, was to advertise one of their weekly sales: "Ladies panties half off and still coming down!"

Ingrid
01-26-2006, 07:31 PM
A local electrician has "Let Us Remove Your Shorts" on the side of his truck. :rollseyes:

Angelia
01-26-2006, 07:35 PM
:roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard:

punkhippiemom
01-31-2006, 01:32 AM
OK, this was sent to me by my aunt - who, although I love her dearly, has no leeway to be calling me names... :roflhard:


Today Is National Mental Health Day! You can do your bit by remembering to send an email to an unstable friend...


(Well...my job's done!)



Some days, it's not even worth chewing through the restraints.
:rofling:

Angelia
01-31-2006, 12:00 PM
:roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard:

jodstr2
01-31-2006, 01:09 PM
Who Says Men Aren't Sensitive?

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar.
They talk, they connect, and they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side. She turns to him...they kiss... and then...
After a night with this "sensitive" guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and she asks smiling, "Well, how was it?"

The guy says, "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

Angelia
01-31-2006, 01:15 PM
:shock:

:roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard:

Ingrid
02-17-2006, 11:30 PM
I apologize if this offends anyone, but I thought it was funny!

Tickle Me Elmo

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo
toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm.

Well, Lena was hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her
first day promptly at 0800.

The next day at 0845 there is a knock at the HR Manager's door. The Foreman
from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the
new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line
is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The HR Manager decides he should see this for himself so they march down to
the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there
are Tickle Me
Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pileup.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me
Elmo's.

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2
men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it
around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between
Elmo's legs.

The HR Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he
pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her,
barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the
instructions I gave you yesterday........
YOU ARE GONNA LOVE THIS!!

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles".

Jenelle
02-17-2006, 11:37 PM
:rofling: :roflhard: :rofling: :roflhard: :rofling: :roflhard:

Jan in CA
02-17-2006, 11:54 PM
I've heard that one, Ingrid. It's hilarious! :roflhard:

Hmmm..the only ones I've gotten lately are a little too off color for the forum.. LOL

Jenelle
02-18-2006, 12:20 AM
this one got a giggle out of me :rofling: :

There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.

His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said "You're cute!"

Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of "beautiful" it was "cute."

She said "What happened to 'beautiful'?"

His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"

Jan in CA
02-18-2006, 12:28 AM
That is hilarious, Jenelle!
:roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard:

Angelia
02-18-2006, 01:02 AM
:roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard:

Oh, thanks Ingy and Jenelle--it's nice to head off to bed having enjoyed a good laugh!! :heart:

Ingrid
02-22-2006, 05:15 PM
Advice for the ladies.........decades too late!!



If you want someone who will bring you the paper without first tearing it
apart to remove the sports section

Buy a dog.




If you want someone willing to make a fool of himself simply over the joy of
seeing you

Buy a dog.



If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never
says its not quite as good as his mother made it

Buy a dog




If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and
wherever you want

Buy a dog.

If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't care about
football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies

Buy a dog.

If you want someone who is content to get up on your bed just to warm your
feet and whom you can push off if he snores
Buy a dog.






If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care if you
are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word you
say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you unconditionally,
perpetually

Buy a dog.



But, on the other hand, If you want someone who will never come when you
call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the
place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only comes home to eat
and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his
happiness...




Then.................






Buy a cat!





(You thought I was talking about a man didn't you?)

Angelia
02-22-2006, 08:23 PM
:roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard:

countingsheep
02-23-2006, 10:10 AM
My lovely SIL sent this to me this past week to help me celebrate my bday. I was valiantly trying to assure myself that it's no biggie that I'll be 40 in 360 days! :shock: I don't know if this helped?

25 SIGNS YOU HAVE GROWN UP
1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next
door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You take naps.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset,
rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms
and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good s#!t."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going
to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work. (knitting is real work!)
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them
instead of asking "Oh s#!t, what the hell happened?"
Bonus:
26: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that
doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old a$$.
Then you forward it to a bunch of old friends 'cause you know they'll
enjoy it & do.

Angelia
02-23-2006, 01:03 PM
26: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that
doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old a$$.
Then you forward it to a bunch of old friends 'cause you know they'll
enjoy it & do.

Yep!!

My god. I now feel the 40-year-old that I am!!

punkhippiemom
02-23-2006, 01:36 PM
:shock:
Gee.
Thanks for that.




:roflhard:

CateKnits
02-23-2006, 01:45 PM
That made me feel young. :D Though we don't have houseplants, smokeable or otherwise. :roflhard: And I know the closing times of two local Burger Kings (midnight for one, 24 for the other!), the closest McDonald's (24 hour), Wendy's (midnight), and Taco Bell( 3 in the morning). Do I know when any of them OPEN? No way. Why would I need that? :roflhard:

Jan in CA
02-23-2006, 02:44 PM
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious
diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what
with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning .. uphill BOTH
ways . through year 'round blizzards. Carrying their younger siblings on
their backs ... to their one-room schoolhouse, where they maintained a
Straight-A average, despite their full- time, after-school job at the
local textile mill .... where they worked for 35 cents an hour just to
help keep their family from starving to death!

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that...

I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and
notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my
childhood, you live in a d*mn Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids
today you don't know how good you've got it! I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the d*mn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

There was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter .. with
a Pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in
the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to
hitchhike to the d*mn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had
to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually
talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone
and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it! And we
didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had
no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your
bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!!
You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with
high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like
"Space Invaders" and "Asteroids" and the graphics sucked ! Your guy
was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination! And there
were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And
you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and
faster and faster until you died! ... Just like LIFE!

When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium
seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy or someold
broad with a hat sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you were just
screwed!

Sure, we had television, but back then that was only like 6
channels...3 vhf and 3 uhf and there was no onscreen menu and no remote control! You had
to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were
screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your a$$ and
walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was no Cartoon
Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little brats!

And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up .. we
had to use the stove or go build a frigging fire . imagine that!
If we wanted popcorn, we had to use that stupid JiffyPop thing and shake it over the stove forever like an idiot. That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled.

You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1970


:roflhard: :roflhard:

CateKnits
02-23-2006, 03:11 PM
If we wanted popcorn, we had to use that stupid JiffyPop thing and shake it over the stove forever like an idiot.

When I was little, we had a barely functioning microwave that didn't do popcorn, so I grew up with JiffyPop. The microwave Neva-Lee and I have now is so old that the only control it has is a timer dial (it doesn't even beep when it's done), so it won't do popcorn, either. I bought some JiffyPop and she thought I was insane. I LOVE JiffyPop!

Jenelle
02-23-2006, 03:23 PM
Jan that was so funny!!

I could have made it through 1970 :rollseyes:

Jan in CA
02-23-2006, 03:42 PM
Jan that was so funny!!

I could have made it through 1970 :rollseyes:

:roflhard: :roflhard:

quirky
02-23-2006, 04:10 PM
:roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard:

This has been a good read

Try this one:

There was a new rookie on the local police force. Its the Captins job to make sure the kid is on the same wave length as everyone else on the force. But he wasnt there when the rookie was hired.
So on the kids first day of work the Captain corners the rookie in the break room.
"Hey there, I just wanted to get a feel for where you are in your training. Lets see how bright you are."

The kid agrees "what do I have to do?"

"Just answer a few questions for me"

"OK"

"First question: Name two days of the week that begin with a "T""

The rookie smiles brightly "Oh Captin, thats easy! Today and Tomarrow!"

The Captain is a little awed but plugs on "Name the capitol of California"

Again the rookie is quick to answer "Another easy one! The capitol of California is "C".

By this time the Captain is pretty sure this kid isnt too bright. But he is going to give him the benefit of the doubt. "Just one more question son,"
"Can you tell me who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

For the first time the kid seems stumped. "No I dont"

"Well son why dont you go home and see if you can get me an answer by tomarrow morning. Go to the library, ask around, use the internet. It doesnt matter HOW you get the answer ok?"

"Ok Captian. I wont let you down sir!"

Later that same day the rookie has gone out with a few friends to celebrate his new job. Someone asks "How was your first day?"

"Oh really great! My first day on the job and the Captain gave me a big murder case to solve!"

:roflhard:

punkhippiemom
02-23-2006, 04:15 PM
There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to
hitchhike to the d*mn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had
to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually
talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!

:roflhard: :blush: :roflhard: I still have many of those tapes....
:thinking: and let's see... ah yes, I remember UHF tv's... Grandpa's remote control was having one of us stand in front of the television and change the channel until he found something he wanted to watch... :rollseyes: :rofling:

Jenelle
02-23-2006, 04:28 PM
This is no offense to anyone here :rofling:

A Mother at 65!
With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has a baby.

All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family.

When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says "not yet."

A little later they ask to see the baby again.

Again the mother says "not yet."

Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?"

And the mother says, "When the baby cries."

And they ask, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"

The new mother says, "because I forgot where I put it."

Jenelle
02-23-2006, 04:49 PM
Oh I can't help not to post this one :rofling: :

Smartest Man in the World
A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.

In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.

The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live."

He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."

Angelia
02-23-2006, 06:41 PM
:roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard:

Jan in CA
02-23-2006, 07:13 PM
Omigod.. Jenelle! :roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard:

Ingrid
02-23-2006, 07:19 PM
:roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard:

Joel
03-01-2006, 12:39 AM
OK.... Jenelle.... now THAT was funny!!! :roflhard: :roflhard:

I had to bite my tongue for fear of waking up my kids....

Ingrid
03-02-2006, 07:55 PM
This (http://home.att.net/~soloshideaway/617/hearing.htm) is cute. :D

Angelia
03-03-2006, 07:42 AM
:roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard:

Nice one, Ingrid!

HeatherFeather
03-03-2006, 10:53 PM
A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the
shelves.
"What are you doing in there?"
she asked.

The rabbit replied:
"This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?",
to which the lady replied
"Yes."

"Well," the rabbit said,

"I'm westing."

punkhippiemom
03-03-2006, 11:53 PM
:roflhard: groan.... :roflhard:

Angelia
03-04-2006, 09:07 AM
:roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard:

ekgheiy
03-12-2006, 10:32 AM
Hey nicoleheather - let's bump this one! :thumbsup:

punkhippiemom
03-18-2006, 12:40 PM
Here's a fun one my aunt sent me....

Marriage
An overbearingly macho man was talking with his new wife after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you.* I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."
:roflhard:
*A doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. He gets up in a rage and says, "And you're horrible in bed, too!!" and storms out of the house.
After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"
:D

Angelia
04-04-2006, 11:52 PM
:roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard:

It's a delayed laugh I know, PHM, but I'm still playing catch-up!

Here's one for ya. I hope this hasn't been posted yet...

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled You Can Be the Man of Your House.


He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing
a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law! You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert After dinner you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have the kind of sex that I want. After that, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then after that' s done, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife replied, "The f***in' funeral director would be my guess."

Jan in CA
04-05-2006, 12:09 AM
:roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard:

Jan in CA
05-06-2006, 12:25 AM
The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his very life into his own hands. This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other.

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, You look good in brown
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: What did I do wrong?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.

13 Things PMS Stands For:
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly, Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff ..and my all-time favorite...
13. Potential Murder Suspect

Another thing...My husband, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me diamonds. Here, have some chocolate.

Angelia
05-06-2006, 08:55 AM
Love it, Jan! Chocolate is the solution to all problems! :inlove: :inlove:

Jan in CA
06-05-2006, 02:04 AM
I'm not religious and I hope this doesn't offend anyone, but I found it hilarious!

A Priest, a Pentecostal Preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn’t really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment They would each go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they’re all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first.

“Well,” he says, “I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to confirm him and give him first communion.”

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, “WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don’t sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God’s HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus.”

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed.

He was in a body cast and traction with IV’s and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.

The rabbi looks up and says, “Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start.”

Ingrid
06-05-2006, 02:35 AM
:roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard:

I didn't see that one coming!!

Angelia
06-05-2006, 07:46 AM
I didn't either!!

:roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard:

Jan in CA
06-05-2006, 01:34 PM
I just read it to my DH. He still laughing. :lol:

DianaM
06-05-2006, 02:14 PM
How to Bathe a Cat (express method - only 8 steps)

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.

3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective

6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself. JOB WELL DONE!
CAUTION!!!! For small cats or kittens, Step 5 should be omitted.

********************************************

Things my mother taught me

My Mother taught me LOGIC...
"If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."
"Because I said so, that's why".

My Mother taught me MEDICINE...
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD...
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"

My Mother taught me ESP...
"Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?"

My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE...
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you... Don't talk back to me!"

My Mother taught me HUMOR...
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

My mother taught me ABOUT SEX...
"How do you think you got here?"

My mother taught me about GENETICS...
"You are just like your father!"

My mother taught me about my ROOTS...
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE...
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...
"Just wait until your father gets home."

My mother taught me about RECEIVING...
"You are going to get it when we get home."

My mother taught me about JUSTICE...
"One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU. Then you'll see what it's like."

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE...
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION...
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet"

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL...
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me FORESIGHT...
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident"

My mother taught me IRONY...
"Keep laughing and I'll give you something to cry about"

My mother taught me about the SCIENCE OF OSMOSIS...
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM...
"Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA...
"You'll sit there 'til all the spinach is finished"

My mother taught me about WEATHER...
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room"

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS...
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY...
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't exaggerate!!!"

My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE"
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out"

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICACION....
"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY...
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

Ingrid
06-11-2006, 10:41 AM
ONE DAY, WHEN A SEAMSTRESS WAS SEWING WHILE SITTING CLOSE TO A RIVER, HER THIMBLE FELL INTO THE RIVER. WHEN SHE CRIED OUT, THE LORD
APPEARED AND ASKED, "MY DEAR CHILD, WHY ARE YOU CRYING?"

THE SEAMSTRESS REPLIED THAT HER THIMBLE HAD FALLEN INTO THE WATER AND THAT SHE NEEDED IT TO HELP HER HUSBAND IN MAKING A LIVING FOR THEIR FAMILY.

THE LORD DIPPED HIS HAND INTO THE WATER AND PULLED UP A GOLDEN THIMBLE SET WITH PEARLS. "IS THIS YOUR THIMBLE?" THE LORD ASKED.

THE SEAMSTRESS REPLIED, "NO." THE LORD AGAIN DIPPED INTO THE RIVER.
HE HELD OUT A SILVER THIMBLE RINGED WITH SAPPHIRES. "IS THIS YOUR THIMBLE?" THE LORD ASKED.

AGAIN, THE SEAMSTRESS REPLIED, "NO."

THE LORD REACHED DOWN AGAIN AND CAME UP WITH A LEATHER THIMBLE.
"IS THIS YOUR THIMBLE", THE LORD ASKED.
THE SEAMSTRESS REPLIED, "YES."
THE LORD WAS PLEASED WITH THE WOMAN'S HONESTY AND GAVE HER ALL THREE THIMBLES TO KEEP AND THE SEAMSTRESS WENT HOME HAPPY.

SOME YEARS LATER, THE SEAMSTRESS WAS WALKING WITH HER HUSBAND ALONG THE RIVERBANK, AND HER HUSBAND FELL INTO THE RIVER AND DISAPPEARED UNDER THE WATER. WHEN SHE CRIED OUT, THE LORD AGAIN APPEARED AND ASKED HER, "WHY ARE YOU CRYING?"
"OH LORD, MY HUSBAND HAS FALLEN INTO THE RIVER!"
THE LORD WENT DOWN INTO THE WATER AND CAME UP WITH MEL GIBSON.

"IS THIS YOUR HUSBAND?" THE LORD ASKED.
"YES," CRIED THE SEAMSTRESS.
THE LORD WAS FURIOUS. "YOU LIED! THAT IS AN UNTRUTH!"
THE SEAMSTRESS REPLIED, "OH, FORGIVE ME, MY LORD. IT IS A MISUNDERSTANDING. YOU SEE, IF I HAD SAID 'NO' TO MEL GIBSON, YOU WOULD HAVE COME UP WITH TOM CRUISE. THEN IF I SAID 'NO' TO HIM, YOU WOULD HAVE COME UP WITH MY HUSBAND. HAD I THEN SAID 'YES,' YOU WOULD HAVE GIVEN ME
ALL THREE. LORD, I'M NOT IN THE BEST OF HEALTH AND WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO TAKE CARE OF ALL THREE HUSBANDS, SO THAT'S WHY I SAID 'YES' TO MEL
GIBSON."

THE MORAL OF THIS STORY IS: - WHENEVER A WOMAN LIES, IT'S FOR A GOOD AND HONORABLE REASON, AND IN THE BEST INTEREST OF OTHERS.

THAT'S OUR STORY, AND WE'RE STICKING TO IT!

Ingrid
06-14-2006, 05:43 PM
> Tillie - Maude - Gertrude
>
> These three old ladies and their dogs were sitting on a park bench having
> a quiet conversation
> when a flasher approaches from across the park. The flasher came up to the
> ladies, stood right
> in front of them and opened his trench coat.
>
>
> Gertrude immediately had a stroke. Then Maude also had a stroke. But
> Tillie, being older and
> more feeble, couldn't reach that far . . . .
>
>
>

Jan in CA
06-14-2006, 06:22 PM
:roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard:

jodstr2
06-14-2006, 08:14 PM
A married couple are driving along a highway doing a steady 40 miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45mph.

The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.

He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently.

Up to 60.

"I want the car, too," he continues.

65 mph.

"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need," she says.

"Oh, really," he inquires sarcastically, "So, what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 70 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"The airbag."


Moral of the Story: Women are clever b****es. Don't mess with them.

Ingrid
06-14-2006, 08:15 PM
:rofling: :roflhard: :rofling: :roflhard: :thumbsup:

Jan in CA
06-14-2006, 08:22 PM
OMG! :roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard:

Jan in CA
06-18-2006, 02:11 PM
A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A
FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

HONEY,
COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
FIX THE LIGHTS NOW?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO.

FINE,

THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT

TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE
WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO

FINE, SHE SAYS
THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS
TO THE FRONT DOOR?
THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK.

I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T
WANT TO FIX STEPS.
HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO.
I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.
I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!

SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A
COUPLE OF HOURS...................................

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW
HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES
TO GO HOME

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES
THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE
HALL LIGHT IS WORKING.

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES
THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?
SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT
OUTSIDE AND CRIED.

JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME
WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.

HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND
ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER
GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.

HE SAID,
SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?

SHE REPLIED,
HELLOOOOO...
DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN
ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!

jodstr2
06-18-2006, 02:24 PM
:cheering: :roflhard: :happydance: :roflhard: :cheering:

Jan in CA
06-19-2006, 10:17 AM
POLITICAL DISCUSSION - Five surgeons are discussing who makes

the best patients on the operating table. "I like to see accountants. When you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

"Yeah, but you should try electricians. Everything inside them is color coded."

The third says, "No, I really like librarians. Everything in them is in alphabetical order.

The fourth chimes in, "You know, I like construction workers. These guys always seem to understand when you have a few parts left over at the end. And....they don't seem to mind when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon topped them all when he observed, 'You're all wrong! Politicians are the easiest to operate on.... There's no guts, no heart, no spine, and the head and rear end are interchangeable."

mulene
06-19-2006, 10:22 AM
:roflhard: loving these!

Jan in CA
06-24-2006, 12:46 PM
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went golfing.
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A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!" The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said."Just get the hell out."
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Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
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A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked. "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
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Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent." "Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."
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A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT!THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
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Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.