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Chel
02-20-2006, 06:55 PM
Sorry for the OT thread, but I could use someones opinion... and in advance I apologize for the length...
My next door neighbor is a very sheltered, immature 36 year old who has lived with her mother all her life. I had some traumatic events coinside with my mothers decline in health so I moved back home. I am 31 by the way. In August 05 my neighbor lost her mother, and a little over a month later I lost my best friend. Losing Daniel devastated me... and my neighbor has no real friends or family... so my mom and I have sort of taken her under our wing. She has no car so I give her a ride in to work and home every day. I have been doing this for 6 months now...she doesn't contribute towards gas, and it has added an additional 45 minutes per day to my commute. She also works on Sundays, but I am off so I either get up at the crack of dawn and take her in and then go get her or I allow her to drive my car (the only car I have ever bought new and picked out entirely on my own).
So today I was supposed to work...but played hookie to... well... knit. I allowed her to drive my car and as she was pulling up infront of my house she hit the trash can. So okay...its plastic, but still.... she hit it and pushed it about 3 feet.
I am SO angry that I am sitting in my room typing this because I KNOW if I go over there I will throttle her. I CAN NOT BELIEVE SHE WAS ABUSING MY CAR LIKE THAT after all the nice stuff I try to do for her. Ugh!

So I am now sitting here trying to think rationally before I get charged with asualt... Am I just being materialistic? Am I blowing this out of proportion? I suppose I am reluctant to confront her because I haven't been the most stable person since losing Daniel and I know I can emotionally go over the edge pretty easy...also, hanging out with her has sort of filled a void allowing me to keep my mind off losong Daniel.

So whats the verdict? Am I overreacting? I would just like the point of view from someone not emotionally invested.

Andrea
02-20-2006, 07:11 PM
Did she hit it on purpose? Either way, I would not allow her to drive your car anymore, nor would I drive her anywhere. It's been 6 months-it's time for her to get her own vehicle...just my opinion

momwolf
02-20-2006, 07:15 PM
I'd throttle her :devil: Not really but I sure would have her chip in for gas.!!!!!And no way in H#~* would I get up on my day off and take her to work .I'd buy her a bus pass. It would be different if she was a long time friend or relative.But that's just me.How long do you have to keep doing this? I think she taking advantage of your kindness. I vote to buy her a bus pass :D

Chel
02-20-2006, 07:23 PM
She knew she was hitting it... she used to run over hers ith her car all the time. In her mind I don't think she did anything wrong...

And as for her getting a new car... well thats not going to happen anytime soon. To put it plainly, her intelligence is well below average and she makes $12 per hour... we live in one of the highest cost of living areas in the US.

Part of me says to cut my losses because she is not my problem... the other part of me says too many people think like that and that indifference to fellow man is detrimental to the entire human race.

ecuzzacrea
02-20-2006, 07:33 PM
i wouldn't let her drive your vehicle anymore.

i personally wouldn't let many people drive my vehicle - including most of my good friends. i'm an insurance agent so that probably has to do with my feeling on it. pretty much what ever they do is subject to your policy and it will pay the consequences for it. just not worth it to me.

i also agree that it's been a little while now and you should probably cut the rides off. i don't see that as being unkind - it just seems that she needs to start making it on her own - know what i mean?

Ingrid
02-20-2006, 07:35 PM
I think I'd be very resentful and feel like I was being taken advantage of. I'm sure I would also have helped in the beginning, but she needs to become self-sufficient at some point in her life. I'd start with having her find a way to work on Sundays and not letting her use the car. Tell her it's an insurance thing.

CateKnits
02-20-2006, 07:37 PM
She knew she was hitting it... she used to run over hers ith her car all the time. In her mind I don't think she did anything wrong...

And as for her getting a new car... well thats not going to happen anytime soon. To put it plainly, her intelligence is well below average and she makes $12 per hour... we live in one of the highest cost of living areas in the US.

Part of me says to cut my losses because she is not my problem... the other part of me says too many people think like that and that indifference to fellow man is detrimental to the entire human race.

Just curious if you live near Annapolis...the high cost of living makes me think of home!
Either way, if you feel like you can, you should tell her that hitting things with your car is not in any way an acceptable thing, especially if she just doesn't think she did anything wrong.

Chel
02-20-2006, 07:40 PM
You guys are great...

I was feeling taken advantage of. Now when I talk to her I can do it a bit more confidently knowing I am responding to the issue at hand and not others I am trying to deal with on the back burner.

I guess I pity her a bit...

mks22300
02-20-2006, 07:42 PM
I wouldn't let her drive your car anymore either, there is just too much that could happen, next time it might not be a trash can. Definitetly tell her it's an insurance thing.

CateKnits
02-20-2006, 07:47 PM
I figured I should ammend my reply...I agree with everyone who says she shouldn't drive your car anymore, but I really do think she should be told it's not cool to hit things with cars.

Chel
02-20-2006, 07:53 PM
Nope, Not in Annapolis...but not too far either. We are right outside D.C.
Ohhh and since you are local have you been to the Celtic Yarn store in Historic Ellicott City? *drools*

CateKnits
02-20-2006, 08:03 PM
No, I haven't! I only got into knitting a little over a year ago, and I've spent most of that time in Rochester. Sounds like something I'll have to investigate, though!

Chel
02-20-2006, 08:06 PM
I believe the site for it is www.thecelticknotyarnshop.com
:) I love the place! As a matter of fact, it was them who told me about this site. :thumbsup:

Jenelle
02-20-2006, 08:07 PM
Personally I wouldn't let her drive my car(even though I don't have one).

I think it was pretty bad that she was very careless with your car and ran into your trashcan. I don't think I would trust her anymore because just think about what other things she could have ran into.


Also, did you check your car for damages?

quirky
02-20-2006, 08:26 PM
I agree - she needs to be off your list. You are not responsible for her. Period.
Ok - she has some emotional issues and you want to do the right thing.
Thats commendable. But really you are putting your self in a possition of liability. What if she is hitting more than plastic trash cans? If she is driving your car you may be held liable for damages. It certainly WILL hurt your insurance if she were to have an accident.

You said her intelligence is well below normal. Does she qualify as developmentally disabled? Your local bus service may offer door to door service. In my area its called access-a-ride. It picks up anyone with physical or developmental problems right at their door and takes them where they need to go. A schedule may be arranged or on call basis.

I have more ideas IF she is developmentaly disabled. I had an uncle and a cousin both with emotional / developmental disabilities. I would be happy to jot down some more resources for you.
Suzette

Hildegard_von_Knittin
02-20-2006, 08:47 PM
:waving: Hi! I grew up in Baltimore. I miss it!

Obviously, you're too nice of a person to just march up to her house and tell her you've had it. It might be tim e to tart dropping some pointed hints. For instance, make sure you get gas when she's in the car--as you're pulling into the station, say "WOW! Gas sure has gotten exensive!" Then, *every time* you fill up, make a point to say how much it cost the fill the tank "Man, it was 24.57 to fill the tank! I must have been REALLy empty"... or "great, it only cost me 22.87 today!"

You might also try taking a day off every once in a while.... "oh, thursday i'm going to <insert lie>, so I can't take you to work. I hope this is enough notice for you to find a ride."

Or you could just got throttle her. :twisted:

Indygirl
02-20-2006, 08:57 PM
I'd throttle her :devil: Not really but I sure would have her chip in for gas.!!!!!And no way in H#~* would I get up on my day off and take her to work .I'd buy her a bus pass. It would be different if she was a long time friend or relative.But that's just me.How long do you have to keep doing this? I think she taking advantage of your kindness. I vote to buy her a bus pass :D
Why can't she buy her own bus pass????? :thinking:

Sara
02-20-2006, 09:29 PM
Imagine how you would feel if she hurt someone with your car. Then realize that if she hit someone then panicked and left the scene, it would be YOU they would look for. I'm sorry, but she should NEVER be allowed to drive your car.

You should free yourself completely from her dependency. Ask her to find other transportation, you are stressing yourself out over something that is her responsibility.

You sound like a lovely person. Hugs for you! :heart: :heart:

carollovesyarn
02-20-2006, 09:53 PM
Be direct, but prepared. Be prepared for tears or screaming. Have a bus schedule in hand, suggest she carpool with employees at her business, tell her you'll help her pick out a car this weekend.

If she says that you've always helped her & why can't you continue, tell her you are helping her, you are helping her to be independent. If you need some white lies, tell her you have to work late, or you're taking a class after work or you need to run personal errands after work. Tell her for the sake of your mental health, you need to sleep in on Sundays or exercise or go to church.

Do not help her financially unless you don't care if you get paid back. Do not let her borrow your car again - use that insurance excuse. Please don't let her continue to use you - she's gone way over the limit. I speak from experience, that this will end up hurting you more if it continues than it will hurt her now to break it off.

TwoLeftNeedles
02-21-2006, 12:25 AM
It was very kind of you to help her. Particularly as she appears to have what is tantamount to a disability.

Sometimes when all is going well, I am eager to be charitable. I have learned that I need to carefully evaluate before I say yes to something (loaning at item, offering my time, etc). If I suspect that I'm going to end up griping about my good deed, I say no, since I consider it a worse fault in myself to pretend charity than to refuse it.

So if'n I were you, I would only lend the car if I was ready to accept damage to it (which pretty much means no, then). There's no point in lecturing the woman. She's obviously missing essential social skills and she won't actually profit from the explanation.

So I'd say "No, I'm afraid I can't lend you the car" without any further explanation. Repeat ad nauseum. The answer to "why" is a pleasant "I'm not lending it any more."

And thanks again for having been a compassionate neighbor to someone in need.

Chel
02-21-2006, 12:44 AM
Well, I confess that what got me started in loaning her my car in the first place was the fact that I was too tired/lazy/indignant to get up on my day off to give her a ride. So its partially my fault. (But I work 2 jobs and live with my disabled mother)

While we are right outside D.C. (approx 20 minutes or so) the area is a bit rural and what little public transportation thats available is so limited as to be of no help at all in this situation. (I even called about route changes!!!)

As for her buying a car... she is having a tough time feeding herself let alone purchasing a car.

I guess I am going to have to have a sit down with her. *sigh*

And I'll try to refrain from throttling her. but I won't try TOO hard. Thank you all for the advice. It has helped tremendously.