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View Full Version : OT-MIL is NUTS and is driving me CRAZY- warning it's LONG!!


knitwit
06-15-2006, 06:59 PM
My MIL is driving me Crazy. Her past antics have included telling me that I have a fat a--, smoking in my car (even though I am allergic to cigarette smoke), not attending our wedding, ignoring our anniversary & my birthday, purchasing a house with another realtor (even though I showed her tons of homes, gave her the mtg and closing atty info, etc), and the list goes on.... she continues to scheme against me and try to make my life miserable. I try to be the "bigger man" while she takes a blow torch to the proverbial olive branch..... and well let's say this has caused my marriage a boatload of stress for no reason.

I am just at a loss for what to do in this particular situation.....
SO, here goes-I am a real estate agent and although she chose not to work with me when she bought her last property (for reasons that are still unknown to me) On June first, she contacted me and asked me to represent her in a new transaction. I told her that I would need to think about it and that I would call her back. The reasons were two fold- 1. I really wasnt sure I wanted to work with her- and wanted to talk it through with my DH- the last experience caused the entire family not to speak for almost 6 mos. and 2- I was in the process of interviewing w/ a builder and therefore would no longer be able to help her if I was offered a job w/ the builder. Which I was heavily considering and had actually made it to the offer stage. I felt it was important to make this part of my decision to work w/her since the proposed new job would start Jul 1.

SOOOOO.....after careful thought, we (DH & I) decided why not? I'm on commission and every transaction helps. If she can close on the new property by the end of the month- GREAT. If not, I'll figure it out.
So, I agreed to represent her. I called her back and told her I would be happy to help - BUT - she needed to move quick - B/C I was expecting an offer from the builder and if she REALLY wanted to work w/ me we would have to close the deal by the end of the month as I would start working with the builder Jul 1.

Fast forward to this morning.....I showed her an investment property last night. She called my in house mtg person to get pre approval and told him that the deal would need to be closed by June 30. Which he said wasnt a problem and she said - Oh- well that's good because I want to make sure my DIL gets paid because she's resigning on June 30...and by the way, that's confidential.

Well- Guess what!!! My mtg person, broker & I all work in the SAME office. My mtg person spoke with my broker and upon arrival in the office this morning, my broker called me in to find out what was going on. He said- your MIL told the mtg person you were leaving.....what exactly is going on? This was awkward to say the least. My broker is known for packing "unhappy people's belongings" and leaving them in front of the office to be picked up later. So after explaining that YES, I did interview w/ the builder because I was recruited after selling one of their homes, and that I had considered the opportunity, I was not planning on leaving. He could have told me to leave- no questions asked- and this could have cost me & my family a LOT of $$$$ as I had closings today, another next week & another deal I was negotiating. Her "revelation" could have cost us a LOT. Not to mention, my credibility is ZERO w/ my boss now because of her antics.

My question is this....
1. Can I poke her eyes out w/dpn's or circulars?(just kidding)
2. What on earth am I to do?

Clearly this woman does not like me. otherwise she wouldnt treat me the way she does. And this is seriously the icing on the cake. If I never see her or have contact with her again, it will be too soon.
Sunday is Father's Day and we were supposed to take DH's step dad & her out for a nice dinner. I don't even want to see her let alone interact with her. Do I thank her for potentially nuking my career & torpedoing my credibility? Or do I politely smile through the meal and then NEVER EVER speak to her again?
I feel like if I confront her, she wins.
I feel like if I ignore it, she'll find something else to complain about.
I feel like if I represent her in the "transaction" that she'll find a way to sue me and cost me my license....

Any ideas or thoughts from my fellow knitters ?? :??

Ingrid
06-15-2006, 07:15 PM
I vote for the dpn idea.

Can you give her business to another agent? It might cost you some money, but it will save your sanity.

Would your dh be willing to take her and his step dad out by himself? Let her complain. She would anyway.

After that, I would have as little to do with her as possible.

My MIL was a beotch, too. I hated everything about her. She was even outwardly mean and snotty to my youngest daughter, ignored my son and favored my oldest. We had to visit, of course, but we did it rarely. Once she entered a nursing home, I think I went to see her once. She was just too awful.

Sorry, this is about your beotch. I guess my point is that if someone is insufferable, there is no reason to suffer. If they talk about you, other people probably realize that she's a beotch, too.

Jan in CA
06-15-2006, 07:24 PM
Oh boy. :shock: First of all I don't think this woman would like anyone in the position of DIL, but who knows. What does DH think about all this? Does he support her or you and is he willing to stand up to her?

I tend to lean toward keeping the peace, but I certainly would NOT have any unnecessary contact with her and certainly no business. You learned the hard way that a leopard can't change it's spots.

BTW..my MIL is a pain, but she lives 500 mi away thank goodness.

:heart: :heart:

projectgal
06-15-2006, 07:30 PM
Well, you don't want advice from me because I still haven't learned how my MIL works. I'm currently in the process of bracing myself for our upcoming visit.

Advice (not in any particular order)...
1. Margaritas

2. Try knitting this http://www.geocities.com/helmetliner/helmet.jpg. At least it would cover her mouth ;)

3. Wine

4. Keep a stash of MIL lines like... "I'd never thought of it that way", "Thanks for sharing", "I'm glad it worked out for THEM", or my favorite... "Hmmmm". I never give my MIL my opinion about a subject. I just stay completely neutral. It drives her crazy because she likes to keep some argument going and I just don't play well.

5. I wouldn't recommend circular needles, but those aluminum Boyes that came with your first "How to Knit" book might at least keep her at a distance.


Anyone else care to add on?

glomper
06-15-2006, 07:32 PM
You MIL obviously "has issues". I would have as little to do with her as
possible if I were in your shoes. How supportive is your hubby? Is he
aware of how bad it is or is he oblivious? It sounds as though you have
given her plenty of chances. As Dr Phil would say the best predictor of
future behaviour is past behaviour. Unless something really radical happens she won't change her ways so don't give her any more
opportunities to sabotague you.

I also have MIL & FIL issues so can sympathise. Hopefully your DH can
see it also but even if he doesn't let him deal with his relationship with her as he wants to but make it clear that you don't want to have anything to do with her. Well that's my 2c worth anyway but you do what works
best for your sanity. Good luck.

Chel
06-15-2006, 08:42 PM
First and formost I must chastise you...

Never EVER even consider fouling your DPN's in such a manner. :crying:
Do you have any idea how much damage that womans insides could do to pdelicate instruments of knitty goodness? It sounds as if the woman drinks battery acid martinis.

Secondly... If I had my DH's s upport I would have a sit down with her... and video it. Then present her with the tape so she can see what a rude, vindictive individual she really is. Most people don't realize how ugly their spite makes them look until they are confronted with it.

Good luck :)

Sara
06-15-2006, 09:03 PM
I would have that beotch's head on a platter and DH would be helping me serve it back to her!!!! :evil: :evil: :evil: :evil:

She would know what I thought about her attempt to take away my livelihood. There is NO WAY I would get involved in a business deal with her.
And I would threaten to beat her a$$ if she breathed another word to anyone in my office.

I would say not speaking to her is too kind. I would make her rue the day!

"Bumpuses!!" :twisted:

06-15-2006, 11:02 PM
Oh my dear kw, where do I begin. I can COMPLETELY empathize with you on this one as so many of us do. Let me tell you what I/we did in our situation.

We put up with my mil/fil's crap for waaaayyyy to long. DON'T DO IT. Life is just way too short to be so miserable. 4 years is how long we did it then we just ended up not speaking for a long time. I can't tell you how many holidays were missed, yet those were the best ones we had. :cheering:

We even moved 1000 miles away and we still hardly talk. And I never talk to them. They purposely call my husbands cell phone and not the land line so they won't have to talk to me. :rollseyes: Pathetic. Remember, its their loss, not yours.

I will never understand how people can be this way to others but once you get past the anger, you just end up feeling sorry for them.

You should try and avoid them as much as possible though as the less time spent around them, the less stressful you'll be. (I know, easier said than done) Good luck.

sara_jayne
06-15-2006, 11:25 PM
I chuckled at the title of this post - I could have written it! :)

My MIL doesn't speak to me either unless absolutley necessary on only talks to my husband when she calls. I've tried to be nice but I'm sick of her disrespecting me and my husband (because of me).

So, as encouraged by other people here, I've decided not to take it. I'm going to be polite and civilized but stand up for myself. I'm not going to give her any reason to get mad at me (as much as I'd love to make her mad) and if she wants to yell at me that's fine - I'll stay calm and make her look like the a$$ that she is.

I encourage you to do the same - don't take it. Don't spend time with them if necessary. If DH insists that an apperance on father's day is necessary then tell him to enjoy himself and stay home. If she isn't going to respect you than she certianly does not deserve your respect at all.

Best of luck!

Hildegard_von_Knittin
06-16-2006, 01:49 AM
Being devil's advocate here... (my MIL and I have issues as well)

Do you think she mentioned your resignation on purpose? Is it possible that she said it without thinking of potential consequences? It does sound like she does things to pick at you on purpose, but this may not have been one of those times; maybe she was just trying to be agreeable with the mtg person, and explain that that the date worked for her as well, and why.

Either way, I agree that it may be best for your sanity to avoid working slesely with her in the future. If she comes to you again, you can say "I'm sorry, but let me refer you to Ms. So-and-so, she has a great reputation, and I'm sure she'll be able to help you"

geekgolightly
06-16-2006, 01:54 AM
I know my parents are a total mess and I havent dealt with them in over 15 years (long sad story), but I thought that most parents were decent. All of my boyfriends parents have been great and my husbands parents are great as well. It's so sad that infighting is so common.

Families should be about love and support. I really hope that your husband sees the impact she is having on your wellbeing and discusses this with her. If he can't, avoid her like the plague. I would never subject my husband to toxic family members and expect him to take it.

This is not your battle. It is between him and his mother. You are a pawn. You have absolutely no power in this other than protecting yourself and your children. The only way this dynamic can change is by your husband changing it. And if she will not stop her behavior despite your husbands confrontation, cutting off contact might be best for your family. It's so toxic, so absolutely awful hat people are so vindictive. :(

geekgolightly
06-16-2006, 01:56 AM
Being devil's advocate here... (my MIL and I have issues as well)

Do you think she mentioned your resignation on purpose? Is it possible that she said it without thinking of potential consequences? It does sound like she does things to pick at you on purpose, but this may not have been one of those times; maybe she was just trying to be agreeable with the mtg person, and explain that that the date worked for her as well, and why.

Either way, I agree that it may be best for your sanity to avoid working slesely with her in the future. If she comes to you again, you can say "I'm sorry, but let me refer you to Ms. So-and-so, she has a great reputation, and I'm sure she'll be able to help you"

Isn't it common sense to not mention something like that? It's not as if she is unwise to the ways of the world. She's been around the block.

mulene
06-16-2006, 04:46 AM
Isn't it common sense to not mention something like that? It's not as if she is unwise to the ways of the world. She's been around the block.

It IS common sense, but it happens. I know I've told my own mother things in confidence and then had them repeated back to me by someone else. When I asked her why she told them she is either genuinely shocked and didn't realise she'd told them or she will explain she let it slip and didn't mean to.

Now I'm careful with what I tell her. If I don't want it being spread through the family, she doesn't hear about it. After much discussion and working through things it is pretty much that she is just very proud of me. She wants to tell people about my achievements etc and she gets excited for me so things slip out where they shouldn't.

I'm not suggesting your MIL is proud of you but I do see what Hilde is saying.. There are three sides to every story; My initial reaction to your post was "god I'd slap that beotch upside her head" but then I thought you know, I'd do this instead;

Sit down with her and calmly ask her what she thought she was doing passing on confidential information to a colleague of yours. Explain to her politely and as calmly as you can that she potentially cost you half of your family income and that you don't understand why she would want to do that to her son. See how she swings. If she becomes hostile, tell her you will pass the deal on to someone else to deal with and that in the future you will not have any business dealings with her.

koolbreeze
06-16-2006, 08:24 AM
ignore her!!! thats what i do. i don't go out of my way to do squat for my MIL and shes not all that bad in my face but i know she talks about me behind my back. and i let her know i don't appreciate it. if you can't ignore her let her know how you feel and be real about it... and say it with force maybe she'll get the picture that you not playing. :thumbsup:
when we eat over there she has 5 kids and they are all married or have SO and she expects all the "women" to clean up after dinner. i don't do others dishes. i don't even do my moms. PLUS i'm a vister, i'm not cleaning squat. and you have 5 kids let them do it. and all them people don't need to be in the kitchen at once trying to load 1 dish washer! just recently, she "tried" to have a party for Krickett's 1st. she made a cake and dinner...without consulting me. when she arrived i smiled and went to my room and didn't come back out. you don't do that. this is my baby's first birthday and you don't step on my toes with out consulting me when you have NEVER been involved in any of my kids birthdays before! and she buys her grand kids (the ones me and hubby have together) clothes from Kolhs but she buys my kids (the 2 i have with Loser) clothes from walmart. oh hell naw!

geekgolightly
06-16-2006, 09:53 AM
[quote=geekgolightly]
Sit down with her and calmly ask her what she thought she was doing passing on confidential information to a colleague of yours. Explain to her politely and as calmly as you can that she potentially cost you half of your family income and that you don't understand why she would want to do that to her son. See how she swings. If she becomes hostile, tell her you will pass the deal on to someone else to deal with and that in the future you will not have any business dealings with her.

I think thats a really good idea. As for the rest of it, I wouldn;t want to mess with the dynamic between mother and son. Too sticky and any intrustion will be met with anger.

brendajos
06-16-2006, 10:20 AM
just happened to get this in my e-mail this morning and thought y'all might find a little joy in it! ;)


A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee
when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching
the nearby cemetery.


A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse
about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was
a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her,
a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file.


The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully
approached the woman walking the dog and said,
"I am so sorry for your loss", I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?" "My husband's.""What happened to him?" The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse? The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the
two women.


"Can I borrow the dog?"


"Get in line."

dustinac
06-16-2006, 10:30 AM
:rofling: :roflhard: :rofling:

Jan in CA
06-16-2006, 10:30 AM
Bren!! :roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard:

sara_jayne
06-16-2006, 10:46 AM
That is HYSTERICAL! :roflhard:

I'd be in that line! ;)

cozy
06-16-2006, 10:55 AM
Oh, that was toooooo funny!!! :lol:

I'm very sorry for anyone with inlaw issues...I know it makes things that much harder.

Lindsey H
06-16-2006, 11:23 AM
This is just something to think about. I know a lot of people have in-law issues. I have been very fortunate. My beautiful, wonderful MIL passed away 10 yrs ago and I miss her very much :( . I am not as close to my FIL but he is not easy to get to know. However, I learned something very important from my MIL about being a good MIL when my turn comes. She welcomed me into the family before I married DH. I friend of mine recently told me that she decided a long time ago, because of her own in-law issues, that she would do everything in her power to like her future DIL and SIL. Her son got married last year and my friend spends a lot of time with her DIL and they truly enjoy each others company. Now I do pray that my sons will choose their respective wives well but I will do everything that I can possibly do to earn my DIL's affection and to love them as well. Sometimes we just have to make a decision to like someone and it just a shame that your MIL has decided to dislike you. Be polite when you are with her but try to avoid contact whenever possible. Hostility will not help the situation and will it probably make it worse.

06-16-2006, 11:59 AM
Sit down with her and calmly ask her what she thought she was doing passing on confidential information to a colleague of yours. Explain to her politely and as calmly as you can that she potentially cost you half of your family income and that you don't understand why she would want to do that to her son. See how she swings. If she becomes hostile, tell her you will pass the deal on to someone else to deal with and that in the future you will not have any business dealings with her.


I have to say that you really shouldn't even bother with sitting down with someone like her. If she's as bad as you say she is (and I believe you) it will only make you more angry because you'll be expecting one reaction and you are going to get another.

I speak from experience here, I too, set up a time to speak with my mil, in a McDonalds for neutral territory sake, and it completely blew up in my face. The things that came out of her mouth were so insulting and disrespectful it only made the situation 10 times worse.

DON'T DO IT. But if you do, try and prepare yourself for the worst. Like I said before, its not worth it.

I'm sorry if I'm coming across a little strong here, :blush: its just that I spent so many years in this same boat and if I can help someone "out of the boat" then I'm gonna give it everything I have.

06-16-2006, 12:07 PM
A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee
when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching
the nearby cemetery.


A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse
about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was
a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her,
a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file.


The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully
approached the woman walking the dog and said,
"I am so sorry for your loss", I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?" "My husband's.""What happened to him?" The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse? The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the
two women.


"Can I borrow the dog?"


"Get in line."


Beautifully put, :roflhard: :roflhard:

CarmenIbanez
06-16-2006, 12:44 PM
As a DIL for the last 15 years, I too have to agree that you should not try and "fix" any of this or "understand" it. You need to think of her as a child. You wouldn't respond to this kind of childish behavior from a toddler. She is obviously bent on getting some kind of reaction from you. She is not worth the time and energy that is required to even be angry at her. Pity her, for it is truly a pathetic person that has so little going on in their lives that they have so much time to spend on you!

Living well and being happy is truly the best (for lack of a better cliche) revenge.

iza
06-16-2006, 02:33 PM
Reading your story and everybody's replies, I feel even more lucky. My MIL is the sweetest woman in the world. Seriously. And she helps me with knitting too. :)

As for how to react to this, I think the only thing you can do is to have a strong, healthy, loving marriage with your husband. She obviously has a problem with her son being married and thus being "influenced" by another woman than herself (I'm sure you are not the problem, it would be the same with any woman). The only way to fight her is to show her how happy you two are. And yes, possibly to reduce contact as much as possible. Don't spend too much energy on this.

Good luck!

miccisue
06-16-2006, 02:48 PM
For what it's worth (and it may not be much...LOL), I think that cutting off contact is the path to take. If DH wants to maintain close contact, that's fine, but I don't think you should have to be subjected to this maniac.

I am a firm believer that there are toxic people - and just as one would avoid toxic chemicals, these people need to be avoided. Life is too short to live it around people who are poisoning your sense of well-being, and that is exactly what this woman does to you. If it's not disrespecting your wishes, it's making cruel remarks. If it's not that, it's behavior that could cost you your job. She just isn't worth it.

Of course, DH has to do what he has to do - whatever feels right for him. That doesn't mean that you have to be a target for this type of treatment. Let him go and visit, and you stay home and relax in a bubble bath, reading, knitting, or whatever makes you happy.

Just my 2 cents worth.

rebecca
06-16-2006, 02:56 PM
Reading your story and everybody's replies, I feel even more lucky. My MIL is the sweetest woman in the world. Seriously. And she helps me with knitting too. :)

As for how to react to this, I think the only thing you can do is to have a strong, healthy, loving marriage with your husband. She obviously has a problem with her son being married and thus being "influenced" by another woman than herself (I'm sure you are not the problem, it would be the same with any woman). The only way to fight her is to show her how happy you two are. And yes, possibly to reduce contact as much as possible. Don't spend too much energy on this.

Good luck!

ditto...I am very, very blessed with a wonderful MIL, thank God. I hope to be a wonderful mil one day, too ;) She's set an example to follow. I totally agree that having a strong marriage it the answer. I can honestly say I don't know exactly what I would do in this situation, I know that I would talk with her and possibly refer her to someone else. Sorry that I don't have more advice; I can't advise when not having been in such a place, I will certainly pray for all of you. ;)

cheesiesmom
06-16-2006, 03:41 PM
My MIL was none too happy with her son's choice of wife either and needless to say, things between us were always tense. I was raised to respect my "elders" and because she was my husband's mother, I tried to be polite and respectful while seething on the inside. I would piss and moan to my husband, who was stuck between a rock and a hard place with this situation between the two women he loved. She passed away about 5 years after we were married. My FIL remarried and guess what...Wife 2 was even worse! She was difficult, demanding, didn't want my FIL to see or visit with his kids (not that I think he minded), treated my kids like second class citizens compared to her one and only daughter's one and only son. We stopped visiting and inviting and only saw them occasionally and rarely. I would frequently develop a "sick headache" to avoid having to make the obligatory visits.

Both have passed on and it's sad that they/she were so bad to our family/my kids. Families should have happy memories but if you can't get them from the inlaws, create your own. It is her loss.

And the next time your MIL needs a realtor, refer her to someone else, no matter how much you stand to make/lose.

knitwit
06-16-2006, 10:18 PM
Thank you all for your thoughtful & candid responses! Your support and feedback has helped me tremendously.

I've tried the "sit down and talk it out" and although I felt like we reached a common goal, she went behind my back and lied to my dh and said that I called her names, said horrible things & was abusive. I really feel like her information leak was calculated. I believe that she was expecting me to ask her about it, just so we could have a converation/confrontation about it and that she would have had some sick twisted pleasure hearing about my boss asking what was going on and questioning my loyalty. I think that by not saying anything- she's going to wonder what happened & that's just fine with me. She can wonder all she wants!!

Since I already committed to it, I'm going to Father's Day brunch- and I've insisteed that we are meet them at the restaurant. I'll be polite and after that I am done with her. I've explained to my dh that I no longer wish to see or speak to them. He completely understands & is supportive. I feel like I have been freed from a huge burden - just have to make it through a 2 hour meal first. Life is too short to be unhappy & around people you don't like :D

I do hope that one day - if I am blessed enough to have the opportunity- that I will be the best MIL to my kid's spouses.

Thanks again for your replies. They meant a lot to me!!

samm
06-17-2006, 04:25 PM
I'm glad, so glad that your DH is so supportive. Things will work out, I'm sure, because he understands. Hang in there for the two hours and then breeeeeeeeeathe!!!!!! And knit. :D samm who wishes you well!

sara_jayne
06-17-2006, 08:18 PM
I too am glad that your husband is supportive and I hope that you continue to feel free! Enjoy!

Celine
06-18-2006, 05:36 AM
I'm sorry you have a MIL like her. But I bet she would treat ANY one that her son married like she's treated you. I agree with all the others when they say to "limit" your time with her. She isn't going to change so you can protect yourself from abuse by limiting that time. Good luck! :D

AidanM
06-18-2006, 02:09 PM
I'm so glad that your DH is supportive of you! I've read some stories in the Dear Abby letters over the years of husbands who didn't support their wives in situations like this and it usually ends up u-g-l-y

Jeremy
06-18-2006, 10:41 PM
I once had a conversation with the bookeeper at the law firm I used to work at. Her son, who had some significant mental health problems, told her "Mom, the world is separated into two sets of people: one half is the people who are crazy... and the other half is the people who make 'em that way." I've never forgotten that conversation. ;)