View Full Version : OT: Sometimes I feel so guilty~
03-02-2007, 03:11 PM
One of my GF and her husband are really struggling with $$$ this year. :pout: They have had several setbacks and money is incredibly tight. I have a decent paying job and I have money to play with and very little saved :oops: . Sometimes i feel guilty when i talk about the things I bought or did recently but we are old friends (over 20yrs) and I don't like being secretive b/c I believe dishonesty destroys relationships. I have to go to work soon and I don't wanna go~ after being off yesterday. Yet my girlfriend would love for her or her husband to have the extra income.. sometimes I feel like such a lush but what I can I say~ I just dont wanna go to work today~! :teehee: :verysad: :teehee:
03-02-2007, 03:24 PM
If I were you, I wouldn't worry too much about not wanting to go to work. It's perfectly natural and normal.
When the bills start hitting the mat, the condition quickly resolves itself!
All the Best
03-02-2007, 03:47 PM
I'm kinda in a similar situation in that my husband and I both got degrees and we both have Excellent salary jobs and almost no debt. My best friend and her husband on the other hand are in quite a different situation, and I just feel like I have to hide our prosperity and disposible income. We have lots of savings and I don't NEED to work but I do because I love my job. I just feel so guilty that my life is more comfortable than hers cause I just love her. I also go into that "I don't wanna go to work" mode after a nice day off. And what's worse is I just don't go but that's okay because I make my own hours anyway. As long as I get the work done. Heh, it's nice having the life I always wanted, but it sucks to feel guilty because your friends don't have the same.
03-02-2007, 04:13 PM
I don't think we need to feel guilty for anything we have earned. I worked hard as an undergraduate, became an expert in my field through continued practice after college, got a master's degree and am now working on my doctorate. DH went to work after high school, has been with the same company for almost 13 years, and has 2 associates degrees under his belt and working towards a BS now. We have retirement and investments that we keep track of. We have very little bad debt (ie. credit card debt), and own our house, both our vehicles, have money is savings to pay our bills for 3 months if we both got fired tomorrow, AND still have money to play with. We worked hard to get where we are and I don't feel guilty about it one bit.
My SIL and BIL barely finished HS, had 2 kids before they were both 21, couldn't pay for college, and wouldn't go when my MIL offered to pay. My SIL has been fired from THREE jobs because she can't get to work on time or calls in sick more than the company allows or refuses to tuck her shirt in (she *actually* did this). My BIL was fired from a job he had for 10 years out of HS, where he was a SUPERVISOR, for stealing. They have cable, broadband internet, rent movies often, play WoW for hours on end, use 411 because they're too lazy to use the phone book, and buy fast & convenience food regularly. At the same time, their utilities (phone, gas, water, electric) are alternately shut down because the bill isn't paid, their house is in foreclosure (which BIL cashed in his 401K to buy), and "can't afford" to buy their kids new shoes or school supplies. They constantly complain about their money problems, constantly ask other people for "loans", and constantly blame others and general bad luck for their situation. Their excuse for not having money is that they aren't "smart" like DH and I... that's why she can't get a job, or he can't get promoted, or they can't help their kids with their homework (the kids are 7 and 9).
I'm not saying that all people who don't have money are losers, or dumb, or dumb losers. My BIL and SIL are *extreme* in their incompetence and inability and ignorance. DH and I aren't perfect ; we have other problems, they just aren't about money. However, we made good choices in life, and we don't feel guilty about the consequences. My only regret is that BIL and SIL have children and we don't. My niece and nephew *love us* simply because we pay attention to them... DH and I do our best to instill good moral values, social competance, and responsibility in them. We know they won't get it at home. Do we feel guilty about it? No. Angry? Yes.
Your BIL & SIL are remarkably similar to my sis & her boyfriend. It's annoying that the whole family offer her sympathy. It's their fault!
I however was struggling with money recently. I could afford all my bills but that was it. I hated not being able to take the kids ANYWHERE. I felt so guilty but I got a job this week :happydance: .
Nobody will notice. They will just cosole sis about possible court apperance.
03-02-2007, 05:04 PM
I come at this from a different perspective.
DH and I are University grads. We got married in our 3rd year of University, and despite our every effort to make sure it didn't happen, we had a our son in his 5th year of University. He had gone back for a year of Teacher's College.
From that time on, things have been interesting for us. It has seemed like we do the one step forward, two steps backwards all the time.
He had five tentative teacher's jobs, dependant on class enrollment. So we moved in my parents place with our son waiting for one of these to contracts to finalize and watched every single one fall through.
I was offered a job farming for relatives, which would allow me to stay home with the baby. DH put out an average of 5 resume's a week and did interview after interview while working his minimum wage job.
It took over 3 years for him to get a job that wasn't minimum wage. During that time we had another baby, again we had taken precautions.
DH got an amazing job with a really good company. That year the Head of the company was found to have embezzled the company away. DH was laid off each year and would work with a temp agency while doing the whole job hunt routine. He kept going back to the company when they called him back because the pay, when it was coming, was very good.
We pay all our bills, own only one car, we pay our student loans (nearly $1000 per month), eat from scratch, don't have cable, don't go to the movies, are careful with our money and are very thrifty.
I have worked out off the farm, as well as doing my farm job, and Momma jobs. That was too stressful for me to handle three jobs.
We finally felt things were stable enough, with DH in a new job, and the finances being relatively stable to put an offer in on a Duplex. Believe it or not, this has become a nightmare. We are currently possibly going to be sued by the Seller. He broke the contract, listed the property as a Duplex but a title search by our lawyer revealed it was a single family home, had a tax lien on the property, the house wouldn't pass the Fire Marshal's inspection, but his friends have advised him to sue us because we don't want to buy the property. At the least, we have a major lawyer bill to pay and no house! We gave notice at the farm and have to move out in a month and no place to go!
So I come at your point from the side of your friend.
I would say she probably knows that you have these feelings. I personally, wouldn't want you too feel like you have to hide from me. I genuinely am happy that you have success and have not had to deal with things like we have experienced.
I do struggle with jealousy, but that is my struggle, not yours!
Meanwhile, if you really do want to be kind, perhaps give a gift or two that is truly something that she wouldn't be able to give herself. But watch it, because in my position, I know what is charity and I know what isn't. And I have pride too... its about all I have left!
For me, it is really nice to get a gift like free babysitting, or a nice box of specialty teas or such. I truly value the little things. Like when someone stops by with a small slice of cheesecake and stays for a visit.
Those things just brighten up my life so much.
Anyhow... I hope that helps. I wouldn't share, except for the comfort of the fact that in we are strangers but for here :teehee:
03-02-2007, 05:09 PM
I think it's good that you are sensitive to their dilemma.
I guess the most important thing is to not talk to much about what you are able to do financially. Don't lie...just don't harp on the details.
03-02-2007, 05:18 PM
Like Birdy said, I am sure she does not begrudge you your success, even if she wishes she had a little more of it. Wish the best for your friend, but don't feel guilty about your own success!
03-02-2007, 06:16 PM
I agree on so many points here. No one should feel guilty because of what they have earned in life. Every one leads totally different lives and every situation is completely different for everyone.
Hubby and I are in a bad way right now and the thing that sucks most about it is, he's been at the same job for over 6 years now, doing the same thing and he's making over $7,000 a year LESS than he was just a few years ago! The site he originally worked at didn't re-hire his company and though he didn't get a "demotion," they severely cut his paycheck claiming the reason was because he wasn't managing as many people as he was at the other site...Which, is untrue, there were 2 people under him at the old site, and 2 under him now. However, until he finishes school, we don't really have the option of him finding another job...As much as his pay stinks right now, it's still a little better than what he would make elsewhere.
We live in what would be considered a "middle class" neighborhood, I suppose. When we first moved here, we did so because hubby was making his old pay and we could afford everything and still have a small amount left in case of an emergency. Now, only a few years later, we are much worse off than before...Not to mention our house payment increasing...BAH! We do everything we can, to make ends meet...Most of the time it works, sometimes it doesn't. All I know is somehow, some way, things can and usually do work out.
I stay at home with our kids because really, there's no point in daycare. We'd pay so much in day care costs, it's cheaper for me to stay home. Getting a part time job isn't really an option either because hubby is going back to school so he works his 40 hour a week job and goes to school at night. Though our financial situation sucks, I have never been jealous of those who make more. Truthfully, I have no right to be. I never went to college because honestly, I didn't want to. Anything I want to do in life doesn't require a college degree, just time. The people who do make more money usually have earned it. They have worked hard, many put off having kids until they graduated, had good paying jobs and a house. A person's life is exactly what they make it. Almost everyone has the ability to change their situation. Those who are capable and refuse, well, they get exactly what they deserve. It is, however, truly saddening when there are kids involved for they cannot help what their parents have, or have not chosen.
Though hubby and I don't have a lot of money, we make sure our kids come first and foremost. Our kids never lack what they need. And really, what they need most is love...Kids don't understand the concept of money, don't understand the concept of not having enough (my daughter one time asked me for something and I told her not now, we don't have the money for it and she says to me, mama, just use your debit card! LOL!) So yeah, though we can't afford much, we make it...We all have each other and hubby and I know it won't be this way forever. He has only 2 years left of school and will then have a Bachelor's in Multimedia. I figure if we can just hang in there for a couple more years, things most certainly can't get too much worse...lol...
So basically, don't feel badly if you make more than another person. Many times a person who makes less, truly, is not jealous and when they talk about not having enough, it's more just venting frustration than anything else. But, if you still feel guilty, maybe something like a gift certificate to a restaurant on a birthday or anniversary, or, just out of the blue and/or offering to watch their kids while they go out for the evening would make you feel better.
03-02-2007, 06:42 PM
I have been on both sides of this discussion. It took my hub and I a long time to get our sh*t together. We were stupid with the debt when we were younger, which became a problem when it was time to borrow for school. We are finally on the right track and in the process of paying off our debt and our income is finally increasing each year steadily.
On the other hand, our best friends work very hard and make a great deal of money more than we do right now. I don't begrudge them, because they do work hard, they have no kids and they like to have a good time. However, they have plenty of savings and plenty of income. So when it happens that one of them puts a $100 in the slot machine and wins 5k. And then four months later, $10k. It's hard not to be bitter! :teehee: We of course never gamble, because that would be irresponsible, given our financial position. But, it just makes you think, maybe a risk here and there wouldn't be so bad!
03-02-2007, 06:47 PM
Lots of people I know have trust funds.
I don't begrudge them their sloth - they wouldn't have as much time to amuse me if they were less lazy. :rofl:
03-02-2007, 07:03 PM
I totally know what you mean, ainee...we aren't wealthy by any means, but I budget like a crazy person, and as a result we have a little cash to burn each month. My SIL is *always* commenting on all the "nice things" we have, and because I know she truly means it and isn't trying to imply anything, I always feel so guilty! I find myself constantly justifying my purchases, or making sure she knows I got it on sale/cheap/at Target. Yikes! I know she doesn't begrudge us the things we have, but I still feel horrible around her... :shrug:
In their situation, she has a Harvard degree, but my BIL got a degree in History (because it was the smallest # of credits) and he's the only one who works.... I stay home, too, and DH doesn't even have his degree yet, so it's hard to see them struggling when we're doing just fine.
Anyway, no real insights here--just sympathy!