View Full Version : OT: Should I be this upset?
05-17-2007, 10:04 AM
This may be a little long, but please bear with me!
My husband and I are friends with another couple, Dave & Sue. I have known Dave since 6th grade and I've known his wife for a little over 2 years now. Dave's first wife and I got along well enough, but his new wife, Sue, and I became fast friends. My husband and I pretty much spent every weekend with Dave and Sue. We did everything together. We even spent the night at their house a couple times. I know, that's kind of corny and high schoolish, but we had a good time. Anyway, we knew that there would be changes when we both had kids, and it has!!! We adopted our little boy in August of 2005 and they had their little boy in August of 2006. I thought for sure that we would still be close, especially for the boys to get to know each other and become friends as well. It's just the opposite. I understand that time is of the essence when you have kids and I didn't expect to hang out like we used to, but it's just been compounded by the fact that Dave's parents have moved to the area to be closer to their grandchild, and now we don't see them but maybe once a month. I don't make friends very easy and I really felt like I had a good, close friend, but I just don't feel that way anymore.
A couple months ago there was a baby expo in the area and Sue went with her mother-in-law and another friend. It upset me that she didn't invite me to come along. And just yesterday, I was looking at her pictures online and there was one in there called "Baby Olympics". Evidentally there was something here in town and I noticed yet another woman and her child in the picture with her. I didn't know this woman, so I'm not sure who she was. Now, maybe this other woman invited Sue to go, in which case I understand that I wouldn't be invited, but it would have been nice if Sue would have told me this was in the area. It would have been fun. And last, I IM'd Sue yesterday to ask her if her and Dave would be able to babysit on Friday so my husband and I could go out on a date, but she told me she was too busy cleaning the house Friday since they were going to be at our house on Saturday. (Dave is helping my husband put-up a fence in the backyard).
Anyway, sorry for all of this, but I'm not sure if I'm just being over-sensitive or not. I mean, Dave and Sue were our "family" because both my husband and my family do not live near us, but now that their family has moved closer, it's like they don't have time for us anymore. I just feel very alone!!:cry: Great! Now I'm crying here at work!!!
Sorry for the downer!!
05-17-2007, 10:58 AM
I'm so sorry this is happening to you! :hug:
Maybe if you take the initiative to ask her to do something, things will change,albeit slowly? She's likely so caught up in her own stuff that she's just trying to keep up. If your friendship was as strong as you say, growing close again shouldn't be difficult. It just won't be the same as before, obviously, because of changes in lifestyle and new responsibilities. It doesn't seem to me that everything is lost, though!:heart:
05-17-2007, 11:04 AM
I'm sorry! Ditto what Angelia said.
05-17-2007, 11:13 AM
hang in there- chances are, it isn't anything to do with YOU. Being a mom brings so many pressures from family... maybe grandma wants a lot of "special" time with the new family... maybe too many people are asking her to do things and she just feels overburdened and has to say "no" to keep her sanity. she might feel guilty that she can't include you in everything anymore. She might feel like her house is out of control and she has picked that day to really get cleaning. (personally, I limit the nights we go out and do things- we really need "Family time" at home)
friendships do change over time. I'd be patient, keep including her in your plans/ invitations, and work on making new connections for yourself.
Have you looked for mothers groups in your area? Mothers of Preschoolers (MOPS) is a great resource. it is hard to make new friends- but well worth the effort and angst.
Also if you live near a big city, there are many online "neighborhood" services that talk about fun stuff going on in your area.
www.parentography.com (http://www.parentography.com) has parent reviews of places to go, things to do etc and you can search by location.
GoCityKids.com has weekly listings of fun stuff to do in a few major cities. We use them both.
and our local newspaper alwyas has local kid-friendly community events listed. check the library too.
Its no fun to feel left out, but I really doubt it is personal. hugs for you, a few kleenex, and a chocolate bar.....
05-17-2007, 11:29 AM
:hug:Here is another hug for you...I'm sorry you are going through this. I've recently had a similar experience. I can tell you, though, that your friend may not be intentionally trying to exclude/hurt you. I was SO offended by some things that happend, and it was just eating me up inside. While this was going on, I happened to hear a sermon on not being offended, and the Minister said "I have spent my last moment being offended by someone who probably doesn't even know what they are doing to offend me!"
(something like that, anyway!). It really hit home for me, and soon after hearing it something happened that made me realize my friend probably was clueless that her actions/lack of action was hurting my feelings. I gained a little more perspective, anyway :-) I have since made a point of not focusing so much on that one relationship, and started expanding my horizons w/ other people a little more.
Feel better! :muah: Holly
05-17-2007, 02:05 PM
I think I might know how she feels. I've been so worn out, and trying to please everyone isn't easy. I would just love a weekend to spend with my husband. And we don't even have kids yet. Sometimes it's really all you can do to keep up with your own life. I know my friends probably feel neglected lately. We probably only talk to each other once a month sometimes. But I think they understand.
I am sorry you feel this way, but wouldn't be easier to talk to her about it. If you were very close, you should be able to talk to her. Just a thought.
05-17-2007, 02:52 PM
Unfortunately relationships, like people, change over time. I think it was Dr.Phil who said "a friendship is not always a lifetime committment". We all have people who come in and out of our lives at different times, some for a long time some for a short. Your friend may be easing out of the relationship a bit because she has changed and her needs have changed.
I think you need to be sensitive to what she may be trying to tell you. It may be at this point in her life she needs those other friends and other activities. You need to find other ways to occupy your time, enjoy the time you can spend with your friend but look for other friends as well.
05-17-2007, 03:45 PM
Stacy, I think it's natural you feel like you've lost your best friend(s)...I've gone through something similar in the last year. I don't make friends easily either.
One thing I've learned is not to let my happiness depend on others, on NO ONE, not friend, parent, child or husband. You must first enjoy your life and yourself and then the rest just falls into place. Those others come and go, but you HAVE to live and enjoy yourself at all times!
On the other hand, this also sounds like some couples I have known who have SOOOOOOOO many friends that they rarely had any time for DH and I. I guess you could call them platonically promiscuous :D........however, I soon got tired of being their 2nd, 3rd or 4th choice and hoped for better friends in the future.
People grow apart. Be there for them if they need you, go out and make new friends..............then send them pics in an email of what a good time you had at the beach or picnic with them ;)
I hope that helps! Chin up! Life's too short to hang around with people who don't appreciate you!
05-17-2007, 04:42 PM
I agree with what everyone else has said so far.
I might also add that maybe you two could have a heart-to-heart. Ask her if she's noticed the difference in the friendship lately. Maybe you could both come to understand where the other one stands.
You may find yourself having to let go a little. Since her son is a year younger, she may have found friends with children the same age.
Hang in there! I've been where you are. It's hard. :hug:
05-17-2007, 04:56 PM
Thank you all so much for your responses. Every time I think about this I just get weepy, of course it could be due to the fact that I may be going through premature menopause,:oo: but that's another story. Anyhoo, I feel that maybe this response might be the closest to true:
Your friend may be easing out of the relationship a bit because she has changed and her needs have changed.
I think you need to be sensitive to what she may be trying to tell you. It may be at this point in her life she needs those other friends and other activities.
I have made several suggestions such as getting together for a "game night" once a month or at least all of us trying to have lunch once a week because everyone needs to eat! I always get a positive response about the idea, but never a firm commitment to do it. Maybe she has moved on. Maybe I should move on as well. This just double sucks because they were also the only people I trusted to babysit my son! Oh well. I guess my DH and I will be going on dates with a little on in tow! This isn't the worst thing that has ever happened in my life. It's just a speed bump and I'll get past it.
I think it's time for me to join the knitting group I found at the library. I've been reluctant to do so because I know how coming into a new group can be kind of hard, but I think it's time. Expand my horizons.
Thanks again for all the great advice. You all are so wonderful!!!:muah:
05-17-2007, 05:31 PM
OK, devil's advocate here....but you've mentioned twice about this woman baby sitting your son. Could she be trying to back out of having to babysit since she has a son of her own and obviously the stresses, etc. that go with it. I know that sounds harsh but maybe she thinks you only call when you want a sitter (even though that's not true). Try avoiding the "can you babysit" question for a few months and see if things change. Hopefully you will work things out, it sounds like you were such great friends it's a shame to have that end.
05-18-2007, 10:40 AM
I want to add that you definitely should join a local knitting group. It sounds like you don't know many people there and perhaps you find it difficult to make new friends. I know its rough when someone you instantly 'clicked' with seems to move on and you remain standing. However take the experience that you made one friend really well and you'll be able to do it again.
This time though, you can do it at a knitting circle! Don't worry too much about not fitting in, of course you will fit in - every person at the knitting circle will fit in because you all have one single common thing - you all love to knit! You'll also be likely to learn something new there - I highly recommend giving it a go.
In addition I'll add my :hug:to you and hope you stay ok :)
05-18-2007, 10:52 AM
Maybe she has moved on. Maybe I should move on as well.
I think you're exactly right. All relationships have a lifespan. Sometimes one friend wants to move on sooner than the other.
It doesn't sound like your friend wants you to be sad....she just has to do what's right for herself now. Maybe she could have handled it better but I wouldn't hold it against her. Moving on with no hard feelings, which only drag you down, is the better answer IMO.
I'm glad you're feeling a bit better and getting ready to join a knitting circle. Sounds like just what you need. :thumbsup: