View Full Version : Rant

05-31-2007, 05:35 AM
O.k I thought I be o.k with this, I really did. But I'm not o.k, I want to cry scream and shout.

Last Wednesday my hubby had the 'snip'. He did it because 2 of my doctors told me it would kill me to carry a child. At the time I was o.k. Maybe it didn't really sink in that this would never happen, it was always in the back of my mind to do it 'someday'. Now it's gone, it's not going to happen and I feel sick to my stomach.

I'm not stupid, I know I can't have them, and would never have gone against doctors orders but this feels so final and.... I can't explain, and I'm probably being really silly, but I can't talk to hubby about it and just needed to vent.


Susan P.
05-31-2007, 06:11 AM
I recommend you DO talk to him as he will know something is wrong. Perhaps you need a professional to talk to also..because maybe elements of this are a form of grieving response *hug* which is more than understandable.

The 'snip' has often been successfully reversed by the way (if that makes you feel a little better).

Sounds like your hubby loves you and that means you are worth that love. :-)

05-31-2007, 06:27 AM
That would be a fun conversation, "darling you know you had the snip last week? Well could you get it reversed next week" :rofling:

Even if it is reversible the fact remains. I cannot have have a baby. Apparently my heart wouldn't get past 22 weeks. And there is no question about having them after heart surgery it's just never done apparently.

I really didn't think I'd feel this bad, Mike and Buffy are my world, and I thought that was all I needed but somehow now I just feel like something is missing and it's a gap that won't ever be filled. I doubt they would even consider us for adoption due to my medical record.

I can't tell Mike about this, it was brave of him to have it done, and he anesthetic problems,(the first local didn't work which they found out when they started working on him! :help:)

I sure this is just a shock reaction I was just very surprised by it.

Susan P.
05-31-2007, 06:34 AM
You don't feel you can say..How are you feeling about this now hon, because, you know, I'm feeling really strange about it all..and I am surprised..I didn't expect it"

Anyway, if you continue feeling bad I would talk to a professional. I had to have a hysterectomy after bleeding for more than 116 days straight and even though I had had similar problems for some years beforehand I had refused to have the op. The finality of it was 'too much' somehow (and that was the only reason I mentioned the reversal because even though you know you can't, knowing it is NOT final can help..like a placebo :-)..but..eventually..I totally accepted it. Even then about 3 days out of the hospital I broke down and howled.

Society tells us that being a woman means certain things. Our own hormonal and primal instinct says that. It's natural to feel grief. I hope you feel better soon.

05-31-2007, 06:47 AM
:hug: I think what you're feeling is entirely normal. :hug:

05-31-2007, 07:08 AM
there is a national organization called RESOLVE for couples facing infertility. I'd suggest you google it and request information be sent to you. Your grief is normal - it sucks, but is normal and to be expected. Gentle hugs to you.

05-31-2007, 07:29 AM
Thank you guys I feel better knowing I'm not going nuts. Told hubby, he's says it's o.k. He doesn't feel the same, but it's o.k for me to feel like this and it will probably come and go.

Thanks for listening, it's helped.

Susan P.
05-31-2007, 08:02 AM
I'm so glad you talked. I think the old adage of a problem shared is a problem halved is largely true. I know that when I am anxious or upset and so on that, even though I may not want to tell someone, when I do..afterwards healing begins. Good for you :-)

05-31-2007, 08:20 AM
Oh honey, I am so sorry that you are having so much trouble. A woman sees having children very differently than a man. No matter what, most of us think it is something that makes us complete as a woman. So, it is not surprising your hubby isn't as upset as you. Nothing we say can take the sting away from the inability to have a child if you want one. Instead we will just give you a big ole hug.:grphug:

05-31-2007, 08:23 AM

So sorry about the snip. I think your feelings are totally normal.


05-31-2007, 08:29 AM
I went through the same thing. For 28 years I knew I didn't want kids, it was just something I wasn't interested in. My husband went in to get snipped, I was fine, no regrets but on the way home it hit me bigtime and I freaked out wondering what kind of stupid mistake did I make. I think it's perfectly normal because it seems so final. It took me a couple of weeks to get back to normal. My situation may be a little different from yours but I do know how you feel. :hug::hug:

nadja la claire
05-31-2007, 09:06 AM
O.k I thought I be o.k with this, I really did. But I'm not o.k, I want to cry scream and shout.

Last Wednesday my hubby had the 'snip'. He did it because 2 of my doctors told me it would kill me to carry a child. At the time I was o.k. Maybe it didn't really sink in that this would never happen, it was always in the back of my mind to do it 'someday'. Now it's gone, it's not going to happen and I feel sick to my stomach.

I'm not stupid, I know I can't have them, and would never have gone against doctors orders but this feels so final and.... I can't explain, and I'm probably being really silly, but I can't talk to hubby about it and just needed to vent.


My DH did the same thing about 15 years ago without telling me and I felt exactly the same way that you feel now because of the finality. I didn't tell him at the time how angry and sad I was that he did this and didn't even discuss it with me. Don't do what I did, don't keep these feelings from him. TALK to him. This is something that needs to be out in the open. It's not fair to either of you to keep your feelings from him. He loves you and he wants you to be safe. :grphug: :hug:

:muah: :hug:

Nadja xxx

05-31-2007, 09:46 AM
I also was very sad when my husband got snipped. We have 3 boys and I know that I really do not want any more kids, but I cryed all the way home from the doctors office. It has been about 5 months since he has had it done, and still keep joking around that we should have one more to see if it would be a girl. Even though in reality I don't think I could handle one more child. :hug:

05-31-2007, 10:57 AM
This brought tears to my eyes thinking about how very much DH must love you and want to keep you as long as possible, no matter what the cost.....

05-31-2007, 11:13 AM
I'm sorry you're feeling sad about this, I think those feelings are normal. Maybe you could possibly look into other options if you decide you want a child. I know you mentioned you don't have a good medical history, but there could be some kind of option out there for you. I hope everything works out for you.:hug:

05-31-2007, 11:30 AM
I really don't know what to say in a situation like this, so I just wanted to send you :hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:!!!

05-31-2007, 11:37 AM
I am so sorry. It is difficult for a lot of women to close that door with finality. I have two and I'm certain that they're all I can handle, plus I could have serious complications with another. Yet I can't bring myself to a final step.

It's very hard to let go of that little possibility. Do talk to your husband about it though. :hug::hug::hug:

05-31-2007, 11:55 AM

I feel your pain. I learned of my infertility issues 15+ years ago. The feeling never truly goes away, guess I've grown used to that pain. Then current hubby wouldn't even consider adoption. My current SO (soon to be DH) is all for it, for which I'm eternally grateful.

Sounds like you have a wonderful DH who will support you no matter what. That's a priceless gift.



05-31-2007, 12:06 PM
I would like to thank you all for kind words and hugs. I do know we did the right thing so I'm sure it's just a reaction. It's certainly easier to talk to other women about though.

And yes I am lucky to have Mike, I wouldn't be here without him, I'd have given up a long time ago.

Thanks everyone :grphug:

05-31-2007, 12:07 PM
:hug: Nobones :hug:

I'm thinking of you.

05-31-2007, 01:52 PM

Maybe a surrogate?

05-31-2007, 02:33 PM
I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. It must be so tough. I hope you start to feel better and that something happens that is good for you.

05-31-2007, 03:34 PM
Like Librarygirl said... ADOPTION IS AN OPTION~! Of course, each couple must make the decision that is right for them but I want to remind you that are LOTS of children who need (and deserve) a loving home. Adoption is a very loving choice.

:hug::hug::hug: on your grief

It WILL be OK~!

05-31-2007, 03:52 PM
I just wanted to send you some :hug:. Hang in there! :hug:

05-31-2007, 04:03 PM
We would adopt if we could but my medical record is against us. A surrogate is out of the question, we'd never in a million years be able to afford that.

I'll just have to make do with my kitty, does anyone know where I can get a baby grow for a cat! :rofling:

05-31-2007, 04:16 PM
Maybe you could knit the kitty a little babygro??? I hope you are starting to feel some better, and I'm glad you spoke with Mike about it. Feelings are just that, feelings, and we can't make them be what they aren't. I'm way past childbearing years, have had a hysterectomy because of infection, have four grown boys, and six, nearly seven grandkidlets, and STILL somewhere in my heart, I want another child. Even though I know it is impossible physically, and that at our ages adoption is pretty well out of the question, I still want to raise another child. I can imagine that it is thousands worse for you, and I'm sorry. But I have a little bit of understanding about the wanting, and wish it could be different for you. I borrow kids, though, and that helps. I take care of my neighbours' two after school three days a week. There are ways to have children in our lives, and I wonder if your health would allow you to be a "Big Sister" to a child who would need you. Maybe you will find a way to have kids in your life. I hope so! :heart: samm

05-31-2007, 04:33 PM
I'm so sorry :( :hug:

Maybe this will make you smile a little... --> http://orangefish1.blogspot.com/2006/09/cat-muumuu.html

05-31-2007, 04:44 PM
:rofling: :rofling: :rofling: O.k maybe I won't knit for the cat! No one needs that amount of humiliation! Great link thanks!

05-31-2007, 04:54 PM
I don't knowed the situation in the UK, but here there's a huge need
for foster families!!! All ages of children are in need of a safe home..
also in the hospitals here there are volunteers for rockers in the neonatal nurseries... they simply go in rock and feed the wee ones whose parents aren't able to come each day for every feeding...

sending you love & hugs!! you can be a huge blessing to some waiting kids even on a temp basis!! a child's ray of :sun:

05-31-2007, 07:17 PM
:heart::hug::heart::hug::hug::heart::hug::hug::hea rt::hug::heart::hug::heart::hug::heart::hug:

05-31-2007, 07:28 PM
Hi'ya Nobones...

Well, the 'snip' might feel FINAL...but...

DEATH....well...now THAT is FINAL.

Focus more on the reason for the 'snip'...and the LIFE that you two enjoy together.

You are experiencing the feelings of grief for the further children you will not bear.

As they say....'this too shall pass'...

I have walked the path you are walking...you are not alone.

Hugs :hug::hug::hug:

06-02-2007, 08:19 AM
I think your feelings are very normal. Maybe you could be a volunteer for some type of childrens group. Check your local church, they may be able to point you in the right direction. Maybe the Girl Scouts? I don't know about over there, but in my area some schools have class aids. Not teachers, but just someone to help out in the class. Or maybe this your chance to start something for kids. Like a Learn to Knit group? :0) I am sure there are some kids out there whose life could be brightened by knowing you!! :hug:

06-02-2007, 09:36 AM
Nobones - :hug::hug::hug::hug:to you!

Trust me, what you are going through is normal. I went through a major bout of depression when DH & I learned of our infertility issues. The best advice I have is to talk to DH - he obviously loves you very much and I know he will do everything he can to help! We're all here for you! :muah::muah::muah:

06-02-2007, 10:19 AM
I just read this thread - i'm sending you huge :hug::hug::hug::hug: and lots of :heart::heart::heart::heart:. I talked to my hubby about it and he said that Mike is very thoughtful and loves you a lot. It means that having you for life is more important to him than having kids. I know that you feel bad about it, but he did it for a great reason - YOU.
I would still apply for adoption and see what they will tell you - until you try, you never know... You don't have to take a baby that you need to carry around, but a little kid. I think it's better for a child to have mom with medical problems like yours, than living in an orphanage...
And like others wrote here - you can always help children in hospitals or groups.

Lots of love from Jerusalem...

06-02-2007, 04:23 PM
Thank you so much to everyone, your comments have really helped.

Mike, (my dear hubby) never really wanted children anyway, he always said he would if 'I' REALLY wanted to, so he doesn't feel like he's losing anything.

Maybe next month I'll investigate helping out at my local children's home. (There is one just around the corner from me)

Thanks again have some girls to talk to has really helped. It's at time like this I miss my mum.

06-02-2007, 04:48 PM
:hug:The grief you are feeling for what "might have been" is normal. I'm glad you talked to your DH. My thoughts are with you. :hug: