View Full Version : I feel taken advantage of..
07-09-2007, 11:47 AM
The weekend before the 4th of July...my DHs friend called him, and sounded like he was in some serious trouble...DH talked with him for a while, then called me...
The friend was on his way to our house, and I should be prepared. So I was...this friend has had problems before, and now has 2 little girls...so he was making a real attempt to get help. And DH offered his assistance. The friend came over on Wednesday morning, and I talked with him for a while, gave him a place to sleep, food, shower..you know...took care of him. DH talked to him that night when he got home, and the friend seemed to be OK. He was going to make appointments to check into a mental health facility early the next week. Well, we all went to bed Wed. night, and when we all awoke on Thursday, friend had left.
We find out he went home to find out his GF had left him. And he went on a horrible bender, tearing his house up, injuring himself severely, and ruining his vehicle.
His sister called us in a panic, and basically refused to go help her brother...and washed her hands of it...so MY husband took off on Friday night, went 2 hours to go get his friend, and then drove him back HERE and helped check him into a facility. With NO help from any of his family.
His friend stayed in the hospital for an entire week untill this past Friday...the entire week, MY husband has been going to visit him, bringing him supplies, clothes, books, cigarettes, things like that. Paid for out of his own pocket.
Friday comes, and friend is released...to OUR custody. (And we arent even FAMILY!!!!!!) He comes home with DH Friday evening, and Im under the impression that family is coming to get him on the weekend.
The sister DOES come, but just comes to talk to him, then LEAVES without even bothering to help reimburse DH for everything, or taking her brother HOME.
So, he spends most all of Sunday on the phone with sister and sisters husband, and they finally agree to MAIL him a money order to help him buy a bus ticket home.
The money order wont be here until TOMORROW.
Im so frustrated. And so is DH. We went WAY out of our way to offer help to his friend, and his family basically washed their hands of him, until he was released, and now they all call him, and he calls them...but they stop at that.
For the WHOLE weekend...my house has been his house...and I dont mind that....much.
What I do mind is his sister coming all the way here, only to leave him here...
AM I wrong to feel very very very annoyed? :hair:
07-09-2007, 12:11 PM
i don't think so. it sounds like they might possibly have some family issues and unfortunately you got caught in the middle of it. just remember, it can't last forever. :rollseyes:
07-09-2007, 12:14 PM
You guys did the right thing for a friend in need. Your kindness will come back to you :hug:
07-09-2007, 01:40 PM
This is a toughie. Has he been in this "condition" before, and that is the reason his family won't help him? I think I would be as frustrated in your position. If this is a really good friend of DH, and he wants to stick around, I would have DH and yourself sit down with the friend and let him know that he is welcome to stay for a short period, under the condition that he get a job (if he doesn't already have one), or help around the house to earn his keep, repay the money DH shelled out for him, etc. I would set a time limit on this though, maybe 1 month to get his s*** together and get out, or you will no longer be able to help him. You have your own family to take care of. If he is not that close a friend, I would let him know that you are unable to provide as much help as he needs, and he should work with his family to help him resolve his issues. . Keep us updated!
07-09-2007, 01:50 PM
Its hard to say what that family has been through with him. you have done the right thing, and while it may not work out right away- your great kindness will be brought back to you. But probably not by his family. They may be assuming there is some sort of plan or deal between your DH and his freind to take care of the $$ at some future point.
hang in there.
07-09-2007, 02:12 PM
I think you did the right thing. Evidently this guy has no one else that really cares about him.
It also reminds me of the old saying, "No good deed ever goes unpunished." ;)
07-09-2007, 02:25 PM
My guess is that the family has just had enough of him. Sometimes 'tough love' from a family is the last recourse.
Hopefully the friend will repay you. It isn't his family's responsibility to cover his debts--it's his. If he gets his act straighened up, hopefully your kindness will be remembered.
07-09-2007, 03:23 PM
Sadly, in the sisters case its not tough love. Its "You are his friend, you deal with him."
She talks to him, sporadically, if only to talk about his daughters...but IMO, I feel that family would help him alot more than a friend.
Maybe Im wrong, but if it was MY brother, Id bust my butt to help him, and not leave him at someone elses house with 3 kids and a SAHM.
07-09-2007, 03:56 PM
Having recently gone through dealing with a family member's addiction, I believe that as soon as it becomes HIS problem, not YOURS and not his family's--then he'll get the help he needs.
07-09-2007, 03:59 PM
I am gathering that this is an addiction issue. In that case, i'd have to say the sister is right. People have to reach their bottom and make their own decision to quit using or drinking. No one else can do it for them, and alot of the time if they have people who will take care of them then they have no incentive to take care of themselves.
There are, of course, people who just need a little leg up, and are serious about their sobriety and do great. This is rather rare in an addict. Generally they use people until the people are used up, and then move onto others, until they are left with themselves and other addict friends.
He is an adult, making adult choices. No one should be forced to deal with him.
I hope that doesn't sound too harsh. I have dealt with many addicts, mental instability, etc in my lifetime. I have complete empathy for all sides, but Intervention, rehab, and no one enabling the person is what works when anything works.
07-09-2007, 05:54 PM
My daughter has a similiar situation dealing with my gd. She has been diagnosed as bi polar and has run away from home many times. (she just turned 18)_ The only time she comes around the house is to steal something to sell. But given that, my d believed her the last time she appeared and let her stay. Needless to say, she only stayed a few days; stole money andis gone again. The reason I am telling you this is to urge you to keep a tight grip on your money and anything portable( lap tops, gameboys, etc.) Good luck with your "houseguest":neutral:
It's hard. In principle the family should deal with this, but if his relationship with his family is bad to start with... Often the family is part of the problem!
From what you said, he really needed help at this moment and it's a chance your husband was there. His life might have been in danger. You definitely did the right thing. I understand how you feel however... For sure I think the sister should at least offer some apology, explain why she won't take care of him and offer to reimburse any fees. I find it kind of sad personally, maybe he feels abandoned by his own family? :pout:
07-09-2007, 06:49 PM
:hug::hug:PaperGirl, My :heart: goes out to you!!
I have to say that part of me thinks you did the right thing. As someone else already said, "no good deed goes unpunished". However, I have to sort-of side with the sister, too. I live far away from my family and my middle brother and his wife tend to get themselves in trouble - you name it, they've done it. Some of it has been bad luck, but some of it has been self-inflicted and bad choices. After filing bankruptcy, the last straw came when their house burned down and their two dogs died :crying::crying: Even though they pretty much lost everything, I couldn't bring myself to give them money. I bought them some things for them and the kids, but I didn't trust them. I love them, but 2 yrs later, I still don't trust them with anything. I can't say I would be a sister who would take care of him. I guess you could say I'm playing tough love, but since I'm not as involved in their lives, at least the times I do see them, we enjoy our time together. *Semi-rant alert: Also, they live down the street from my parents and they always seem to bail him out of trouble. I know they love him, but they're enabling him, which means he won't grow up. I mean, what is he going to do when/if something happens to my parents? :shrug: Semi-rant over* But I live 875 miles away, so I keep my mouth shut!
07-09-2007, 08:46 PM
Friends are the family you choose. :hug: This past year I've been dealing with a lot on my own. I live 1,200 miles from my family and have a couple friends here. I've gone through a separation, custody fight and now divorce on my own with little help from my family. Had it not been for my friends here I would have surely been FAR worse off. My family has washed their hands of me...I'm the scandal being a divorcee and not having an honorable position (I'm a teacher, not a doctor). I feel for your dh's friend and hope he is better soon. You are blessed for having helped him when he needed it.
07-10-2007, 01:23 PM
I'm the scandal being a divorcee and not having an honorable position (I'm a teacher, not a doctor). .
THAT is one of the most honorable things you can do. :hug:
Thanks for the advice and support. I talked with DH about it last night, and he was going to talk to the sister today....Ive been running errands all day, so hopefully things will be calmer later this afternoon.