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catownedanna
07-19-2007, 04:21 AM
This post's Swedish word/phrase: "Äktenskap. Bröllop. Familj."= "Marriage. Wedding. Family."
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A couple of days ago, I met a friend of mine and we spent quite some time talking about different events in our lives that occured after we had decided we were ready for them. It was about the first kiss. About the first boyfriend. The first vacation without parents around. About what to study and where. About when to move out from our parents' and get our own places. And so on...

Important events that need some decisions, some thinking through, and in some cases a lot of courage.

Now I'm curious to see what your thoughts and experiences are on marriage. When did you decide to get married/not get married? What made you decide so (culture, religion, special feeling, certain event, legal issues, exprectations from others, :shrug:)? How old were you and your partner? Was it a decision that grew on you or did you wake up one morning knowing that you wanted to get married? Did you propose or did your partner? Would you consider a "no" to a proposal the same as breaking up? What is, for you, the biggest difference between living with someone as married and as "just" girlfriend/boyfriend? Did you feel different after you got married - and if so - how? Did you change your last name to his/hers - why/why not?


(I understand that this topic can bring up many different cultural and religious believes on marriage/family life. My intent is not to start a heated debate on these issues and I hope that everyone chosing to post will keep their posts respectful and non-judgemental. I'm just curious to see what made people decide to get married... )

Nobones
07-19-2007, 05:25 AM
I felt no difference marring my husband. We'd lived together for a couple of years before we were married, but as soon as I met him I KNEW he was the only one for me, I was lucky he felt the same. My wedding was terrible, I don't look on it fondly and have never looked at the wedding photo's since we had them. (My mother and Step mother in the same room, I should have known there would be trouble)

Apart from having my hubby's last name, I was Jones now I'm Bull, (I get a lot of jokes about my last name now!) and having a few more legal rights, nothing really changed, I love him more now than I did when we met, and loved him lots then!

Marriage isn't for everyone and I understand that, but it isn't as scary as some people fear. I am glad we got married, I do enjoy being introduced as Mike's wife, but I think if we hadn't got married we'd be in the same place now.

iza
07-19-2007, 08:36 AM
Well I feel a bit shy replying to this for some reason! :oops:

I have never been married. I lived with my ex boyfriend and I live with my boyfriend now. I think in many ways it's a culture thing. Here, in my province (could be different in the rest of Canada), getting married or not is a very personal decision. We have a word in French for "life partner" that we apply to either a married or non-married person. People still get married, but it's seen as a personal choice, not a society's requirement of some sort (there is still some pressure sometimes from family or the partner though). Oh and here, married women don't change their name to their husband's. It's possible to do it, but nobody does.

So well, for me, it's not important to get married. I see it as a waste of money and time really. Of course, I totally understand people who do it, I'm not against the idea! But for me commitment isn't in a party, a dress, a piece of paper and a ceremony. It's something you decide in your head and your heart. This being said, it doesn't mean I won't decide to get married. If we decided to work outside Canada, we would probably do it. Or who knows, maybe the idea will grow on me. If my boyfriend was proposing? Well you know, I might ask him why he wants to get married, but I would say yes.:aww: And if I proposed and he said no? Maybe I would be disappointed... but no it wouldn't mean a breakup for me.

I saw a huge difference when I started living with my boyfriend. Going out revolves more around doing activities together. Living together means doing chores, paying bills, making decisions which for some couples can be difficult. There are the days when you're tired or grumpy, when the family is annoying, when work is insane and the chores don't get done. But for us, we really enjoy living together and we have a lot of projects for the future!:cheering:

Chel
07-19-2007, 09:30 AM
I'm interested to see other responses to this thread. I've often wondered about this myself.

When I was a child/teen it was my dream to get married and have children. I wanted my career to be as a wife and mother. It was all I dreamed about. When I prepared for a back up career I chose Early Childhood Education as I thought it would give me an even better foundation for raising a family.

The plan was marriage at 19, first child at 22, second at 24 and third at 26. No outside daycare. If we needed extra money I would do home daycare. Once they were all in school I would return to college and complete my degree in Early Childhood Education. Then I would teach Elementary School. I had it all planned out.

At 32 I am still single. Have been engaged 3 times in my life, at 18, 20 and 24. The first guy was very abusive, but in the end all 3 were unfaithful, hence no marriage.

I think part of the reason I am still not married is that I do not take commitment lightly. I believe in traditional roles and there aren't many traditional guys out there. I think I was born 100 years too late.

My mom is disabled-physically not mentally, and I am her sole caregiver. Any guy who ends up with me ends up with her too for the duration of her life. Not many guys willing to take that on either.

Perhaps its the fact that I am a big girl, perhaps its that I am just closed off to the idea because I work 2 jobs and have mom to worry about, maybe I am overly old fashioned, perhaps its all of that-but I swear, every man who has hit on me in the last couple years is either married or desperate for a green card. Neither of those situations is the basis for a viable relationship IMO.

Sometimes I fantasize about things being different, but the inertia of daily life kicks in and theres just no time to think about such things.

IrishKnitter
07-19-2007, 10:19 AM
First of all--everyone is different. What's right for some isn't right for others. I think that here on KH we do a pretty good job of respecting that! :hug:

Having said that, getting married was important to me. I met my husband in college. We were just really good friends at first, and then it turned in to something more. I'm glad that we had that connection as friends first...that way we got to know each other in a no pressure situation.

We felt marriage was right for us. We knew that we wanted to be together, and while that was enough, we also wanted to share it with our family and friends. The wedding day was important not just for the two of us, but because it is probably the one time in our lives that everybody we really care about was all together in one place at one time. That was an amazing opportunity.

But again, like I said, everyone is different. I have good friends from college who live together and who are basically "married". I know, and everyone knows that they love each other very much, and for them, marriage isn't what they want. And we respect that.

What bothers me is when people look down on others for their choices--whether that is getting married, not getting married, being single, dyeing your hair green :teehee:, etc. And like I said before, that doesn't really go on here. :heart:

Okay...hope that wasn't too cheesy! :oops: Interesting topic, Anna! :hug:

ETA: My husband and I were both 25 when we got married, and I did change my last name. However, I also legally changed my middle name to my maiden name. (As I had no sentimental attachment to my original middle name--Anne. :teehee:) That way, it's still officially a part of who I am.

janelanespaintbrush
07-19-2007, 12:45 PM
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debinoz
07-19-2007, 01:02 PM
DH and I met through my late cousin in July of 1990 (I was 28, he 33). In August we had a little commitment ceremony. After 3 kids and 7 years we found out that if something happened to him, the government wouldn't recognize me as his surviving spouse (common-law did not count since I was not officially using his last name), so we got married. Even though we are coming up on our 17th anniversary, according to the SSA it will really only be our 10th.

jodstr2
07-19-2007, 01:34 PM
i replied then wanted to edit then tried to copy my original post but now I lost it, but today's been like that from the second I woke up :rollseyes:, so anyway :zombie: ...

When did you decide to get married/not get married?
What made you decide so (culture, religion, special feeling, certain event, legal issues, exprectations from others, :shrug:)?
How old were you and your partner?
Was it a decision that grew on you or did you wake up one morning knowing that you wanted to get married?
Did you propose or did your partner?
Would you consider a "no" to a proposal the same as breaking up?
What (W@hat) is, for you, the biggest difference between living with someone as married and as "just" girlfriend/boyfriend?
Did you feel different after you got married - and if so - how?
Did you change your last name to his/hers - why/why not?

we knew each other since 1983 (age 12), were really good friends in school. we got together later on in our late 20s. we decided to get married when we moved in together. we got married in 2002.
idk what made us decide. it just seemed right.
we were both 31 when we got married.
I think we both just kinda knew we'd be married one day.
nobody proposed. we just decided one day to get me a ring.
I think I would consider a "no" the same as breaking up, and I'm pretty sure he would do the same.
I didn't, and still don't feel different after we got married, at least not in the day-to-day. it does feel good to be committed to a great guy and have his last name.
yes, I changed my last name for a bunch of reasons - among them, 1) my previous last name was my ex-husband's, so I wanted to be rid of that, and 2) I like the neutrality of my new last name.

KnittingNat
07-19-2007, 03:11 PM
Well, when i was 16 and in love with a friend of mine, i was dreaming of his last name:roflhard::roflhard::roflhard:. Now he's laughing at my DH's last name:roflhard:
Seriously now... I always wanted to get married, but growing up makes you think and i realized that the wedding is not the most important thing in the world... When i met DH i was 23 and he was 25. He was just a friend of my neighbour. We drank tea at her place and the evening ended up as conversation between him and me :teehee:About cars... As he told me later, he was madly in love since :heart:But i didn't care - i dated this obnoxious guy and couldn't see a foot ahead. After a month he was passing by to visit my neighbour and i knew she wasn't there. So i invited him to a cup of tea. After conversation that lasted that whole day, we figured out each other's views on most important subjects and the next day he moved in with me. We definitely talked about getting married and after 2 months went to get the ring. BUT, there are a few reasons for us getting married:
1. we wanted the whole family together for once (it gave us a headache eventually:rofling:)
2.we're are not considering ourselves religious Jews and marriage is one of a few ceremonies that connect us to our religious heritage.
3.we wanted for one day in our life to feel like in fairy tale!

So, we planned the wedding for 1.5 years, carefully and slowly and eventually had a 130-guests (considered really small in Israel) lovely thing that was perfect for us.We had lots of fun and enjoyed every moment of it! And we have gorgeous pictures! We thought it's worth the money to feel the king and the queen for a day, because later we would never do it! We altered the ceremony just a bit, so i could give him the ring (women rights are problematic religious issue).

And i kept my last name. When it came to the real thing, i realized my surname is a part of who i am, where i belong. It tells me i'm grand-grand-niece of Marc Chagall and it tells my family heritage,where we're from, that many of my family were murdered by Nazis in The Holocaust. Also i believe that the origins of the tradition of changing your name are about man power, because in the past the wife was becoming her husband property in a way. I wanted to remain the way i am. DH didn't understand why i wouldn't at first and then i asked him if he would change to my last name. He said no, because that's a part of him. I said "there you go". So we left it as it is and now DH is a big fan of not changing one's last name :cheering::cheering::cheering:
Actually nothing changed after the wedding, except for annoying people looking at my tummy saying "So, how about a baby?" :hair:I like to scare them by saying "Oh, these little things that scream, eat, sleep and poop?" Don't like nosy people...

Sorry it was long, but i wanted to make myself clear!

janelanespaintbrush
07-19-2007, 03:29 PM
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KnittingNat
07-19-2007, 03:33 PM
I guess the kids will take DH's last name, because of the tradition...It would be a misery for them to have a double name, especially ones like ours:teehee: But when we say "The...family" we use both of our names.

Lucy Fan
07-19-2007, 05:17 PM
When did you decide to get married/not get married? When I was sure that I had met the right person. What made you decide so (culture, religion, special feeling, certain event, legal issues, exprectations from others, :shrug:)? Special feeling. How old were you and your partner? I was 25 on the day of our wedding, he was 30. Was it a decision that grew on you or did you wake up one morning knowing that you wanted to get married? We realized very early in our relationship that what we felt for each other was different then how we felt for previous boyfriends/girlfriends. I guess it was a decision that grew on us though seeing as how we dated for two years before the proposal. Did you propose or did your partner? He proposed. Would you consider a "no" to a proposal the same as breaking up? No, not necessarily. I suppose it would depend on the couple, but sometimes timing is not necessarily right even though the relationship is. What is, for you, the biggest difference between living with someone as married and as "just" girlfriend/boyfriend? Well we lived together for 10 months before the wedding. I'd have to say that the biggest difference is the actual commitment taken. I feel much closer just because of the commitment we made to each other and to God in front of others. Did you feel different after you got married - and if so - how? Different in what way? I had already known that he was the person I wanted to be with the rest of my life whether we were married or not so there wasn't a big emotional change. We also lived together and had combined bank accounts before the wedding so nothing changed on that end. I suppose I felt more secure knowing that we were married. I enjoyed calling him my husband rather then my boyfriend. I feel like others looked at us more seriously then then they had before. Did you change your last name to his/hers - why/why not? I changed my last name to his. I've always felt like I wanted to take my husbands last name when I married. I've always wanted to be Mrs. His Last Name. It didn't hurt that I really liked his last name and I never really liked my last name. I tease him and tell him that now that I've got the last name I like I don't need him. :rofl:

SandraEllen
07-19-2007, 05:17 PM
I've been married for almost 7 years now. We had dated for 3 years when we decided to get married. He asked me, but it was just a formality. I was there when we bought the ring... We were fresh out of university.

Why did we get married? Because we love each other and religious reasons. I actually never considered never getting married as an option. Probably because marriage is the "normal" thing to do.

I changed my name to his. My maiden name is Polish and his is simple. :shrug:

I think that I would consider a "no" to a marriage proposal the same as a breakup. If it's something that one person really wants, the other person would probably only say no if they didn't want to be with the other... The only acceptable "no" would be "not yet."

I once read a study that said that the percentage of people who get divorced after living together first is a lot higher that people who don't live together before they are married. now I don't necessarily agree with that, but I can see the reasoning behind it. If the commitment isn't there when you move in together, I think that it's never really there. You always have the mentality that it's temporary. If you're seriously committed before you move in together, then i think you have a larger chance of staying together.

interesting topic :)

mrs desert rain
07-19-2007, 05:27 PM
i broke off an engagement once, and it broke up the relationship. we were together for five years; if i didn't "know" it was "right" by then, i figured it never would be. and it was a HORRIBLE break up because i was already "over it," which was completely insensitive and hurtful for the guy. that said, i knew if i ever did get married, i would have to be DAMN SURE it was right!

i'm happily married now -- a 3-month courtship before we were engaged. no proposal; just a mutual decision. we had similar values, which was very very important to me, and we "lived" the same lifestyle (early to bed, early to rise; vegetarian; agnostic; strong family ties; no desire for kids; independence).

we WANT our marriage to be healthy, so we work at it. and it's not always easy. (in fact, sometimes it incredibly tough!) but we're committed to the commitment, and i think that's key.

newamy
07-19-2007, 05:37 PM
When I was really small I think I wanted to get married so as to have the beautiful wedding gown. But in my teens and early 20's I never wanted to get married. Never. I wanted to be like Kinsey Milhone-for those of you that don't know she is a fictitious character in a mystery series written by Sue Grafton. She is single (well twice divorced in her fictional history but never in the actual story) tough and independent.

This is very difficult to explain being as I have been married for almost 15 years now, I have 2 kids, work part time and knit of all things. I'm quite content and we have a nice home. How married does all that sound? But there is still a peice of me that wants to be single, tough and independent. I think it is that I have no difficulty being in love, having a life partner and a shared life commitment. But I do not ever, ever want to be dependent on my husband in all things (though I do rely on him for many things now, but it has to do with the partnership of the relationship). I did not get married to be taken care of or to be rescued. (My mom did to some extent) I want to always beable to fend for myself if I have to. I do not want to loose my autonomy. I still want to be independent.

So to that end I really wanted to keep my maiden name when we married. My husband made no objection but then later he suggested we both hyphenate. So we are both hyphenated as are our children. Feels like a merger at times and we end up spelling out last names a lot. When dealing with complexities with the kids, or remodeling a house or other major decisions we use a very effective partnership approach. We do some things together but at the same time we are not joined at the hip. We each have interests and activities independent of each other. We both support our family both contribute to the care of the house.

Also I hate being called "Mrs" I think it works very poorly with a hyphenated last name. Although I know many women love being "Mrs. So-and-so" I have never wanted to be a Mrs. so I don't want to be called that. To me "Mrs" implies that I belong to someone but my husband does not own me; I much prefer "Ms".

I felt ready to get married because I found a great guy, I was self supporting and in control of my life and so was he. I was 24 and he was 26. At the time I felt like the relationship was ready for that big step. If we hadn't married I'm not sure where we would be. I will say it is a pretty strong family expectation on both sides. Though if we had just lived together forever it would probably be tolerated. I also feel that being married requires me to resolve issues and if we weren't married I might not work as hard at it. I have made a solemn commitment. If I hadn't done so I don't know if I'd work on the relationship as hard. But since I have never been involved with someone for 15 years in an unmarried state I guess I can't exactly say how I'd manage the relationship, maybe it would be the same as now. Hard to say.

Interesting thread.

Krystal
07-19-2007, 06:43 PM
I knew I was going to marry Rowland on our first date. We worked together, and he come over after work and we chatted. Then we went out to dinner and chatted and chatted. We finished eating by 8pm. When we left it was after 10 and we nearly missed the last bus. He moved in by the 3rd or 2nd date... (both were at my place watching movies) I still get a kick telling people we only ever went on one real date. haha.

I am a huge hermit and a clinger. I always used to feel so much anxiety in my relationships. Being with him was literally like breathing... Natural, no thought. I have never felt the kind of love he gives me, and that I give him.

We are together 90% of the day, since we work together too, and haven't been apart more than a couple hours. He is the only person I can just BE with.

I can even scream and shout and be a misreble good for nothing bitch and he will take it in stride and let me get it out and will willingly accept my appology.

When he proposed on our one year anniversary, (same spot as our first kiss) it was a no brainer. I wouldn't be able to find a better match for me anywhere. (He is even a cat person. Had one of his own and wants more!)

We are getting married in October, and it is going to be very small (20 guests) and very us (We are going to East Side Mario's for dinner, the scene of our first date)

Getting married was just part of our style. We feel very traditionally in some aspects, tho we aren't religious at all. We joke alot about how he was "born married". He is the rare breed of male who always dreamt of happily ever after with a wife.

:heart::heart:

bah
07-19-2007, 07:50 PM
No proposal, we got married 8 months after we met. It was a mutual decision for us, and we ended up eloping. He's in the Navy and it was going to make more sense for us to get married for the benefits. We've been married a year and a half and I wouldn't have it any other way. We're having a real ceremony next year when everyone can find out. It's nice having a little secret!

hunterjenn
07-29-2007, 01:22 AM
I just saw this topic, Anna! I think it's so interesting to read everyone's responses. :hug:

For me, I don't think I could've handled not being married to Justin once I found him. When I was very young, I had a tumultuous engagement that ended badly, and I had severe issues with commitment and relationships for a long while after.

When I found Justin (or re-found him--we went to high school together), I had given up on having a normal relationship, and was ready to pursue life as a single person. Our instant kinship and chemistry hit me like a ton of bricks--just like that! Once I knew I wanted to be with him, I was pretty much just terrified every minute of the day. Luckily, it only took us a couple of weeks to decide we were going to stay together, and marriage was down the road somewhere.

That said, then we went insane and decided to get married in 7 weeks. :rofl:

Anyway, to answer your questions, I was 24 and Justin was 23. The marriage discussion just sort of fell into place when we started drawing up plans for a house, but he did officially propose to me.

:think: No to a proposal wouldn't at all have meant things were over for me...I guess it would have depended on how the "no" were qualified.

I did change my name to Justin's, but it was a hard decision for me. I was happy to honor the tradition of it, but my last name and my family had always been something I was proud of. I still feel the need to identify myself to people who might have known me as a member of my family by my maiden name. :shrug: I must say, though, it's nice not to have to spell my last name anymore. :teehee:

Jan in CA
07-29-2007, 01:29 AM
I've been married for almost 33 yrs. When we met I was 20 and he was about 26 and we married about 15 mos later. No one proposed really, I think I said something to the effect of "maybe we should just get married", but I couldn't swear to who brought it up first. We've been through it all from excellent to awful and back again..more good than bad for sure. :) When I got married the majority of women took their husbands name so it never even crossed my mind.

SabrinaJL
07-29-2007, 01:47 AM
I was 15 and DH was 17 when we started dating. I got pregnant 4 months into the relationship. He asked if I wanted to get married. I said no. At that point, I knew he was asking because we were going to have a baby together. To me, that was no reason to get married. I wanted to be sure that when I did get married, it was because I found the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

He asked me again after he got out of boot camp. I said yes. By then, I knew that I loved this man more than anything and could totally see growing old with him. We had been together almost 2 1/2 years when we got married. It was a month after my 18th birthday. We've been married for over 12 years now.

I really didn't care either way about the last name, but he wanted me to take his, so I did.

catownedanna
07-30-2007, 07:06 AM
This post's Swedish word/phrase: "Flicknamn. Efternamn." = "Maiden name. Last name."
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Thank you all for shipping in with your stories! I've thoroughly enjoyed reading them all. It seems everyone has their own reasons for marriage, for engagements and changing their last names. Interesting!

Not that I'm really that surprised. :teehee:

Again; thank you! And please, keep more stories coming. I'm still curious.

stitchwitch
07-30-2007, 11:18 AM
I was 25, husband was 35 when we got married. We dated for 3 weeks before he asked me to marry him and about two weeks later we were formally engaged (ring and all) and 8 months after that we were married. We've been married going on 15 years.
For us, getting married was the only solution, neither of us wanted to live together and our families probably would have frowned on it too, I guess we both are old fashioned that way. I took his name because my maiden name was "smith" so I was pretty tired of it but he wouldn't have minded if I kept my maiden name. Marriage was indeed a change, we didn't live together prior to marriage and we both had our way of doing things, he's a slob, I'm, well, PERFECT! :roflhard: Nothing has changed in that regard, he's still a slob and well you get the idea. :roflhard:

Stiney
07-30-2007, 11:43 AM
I'm not married, don't even have a boyfriend, but I wanted to comment on some things that were brought up.

Ms. versus Mrs. I use "Ms." when I fill in forms. It upsets me that men are always "Mr." but women traditionally had to identify themselves as "married" or "single." I don't think it's anyone's business what my marital state is, unless I choose to tell them.

I don't see myself giving up my last name. Maybe hyphenating, but my name is a part of me--and as someone's DH realized, he couldn't give up his own, so why should a woman? :teehee: Of course, if I do have kids and keep my own name, I'm going to swallow my pride and be gracious when people refer to me as Mrs. Husband's Last Name, just because it's going to happen no matter how much I correct people. My mom changed back to her maiden name after the divorce, and she gets called by my last name all the time, no matter how often you remind people.

jjminarcik
07-30-2007, 12:17 PM
Marriage, marriage. . . I can honestly say it's one of the best decisions I have ever made in my life. In Sept. we will be celebrating 5 years! :heart:

We got married when we were both barely 22. We had been in a long distance relationship for the 1 year that we knew each other. As soon as we met (in a bar, btw) there was the instant love at first sight feeling. We didn't see each other again for about 6 weeks, but after meeting that one time, each of us called our parents and told them that we met "the one". Needless to say, our parents and friends told us we were all crazy, but in our hearts we knew what was right. We got engaged 4 months after we met (he proposed) and then got married 9 months later, after college. The proposal was really more of a formality, as we had already set the date and were planning everything, but we were in no hurry to do anything "formal". But he knew it would mean a lot to me, so he surprised me. :heart: Since we were living in different states, that's the one of main reasons we chose to get married - so we could actually start a life together. We found an apt. and moved in together for the 4 months between college graduation and the wedding. My parents weren't thrilled about it, but I still don't think his parents have a clue. (His dad is a pastor and his parents would have had a cow!)

Anyway, we got married because we wanted to and we knew it was right. And even though everyone thought we were nuts, we're the ones who are still together and happy as clams!

I always said I wouldn't change my last name until I met DH - then I actually wanted to change it. I dropped my middle name, so my real name is first name, maiden name, married name.

To answer your other question about living together - maybe I'm old fashioned - and I am in no way criticizing people who do live together - I don't know if it's something I could ever do. At least when we did for 4 months, we had a serious commitment. I know after building a life together it's hard to step back and start over if it doesn't work out. I have a friend who lives with her boyfriend now. She has a good job, wants to buy a house, etc. - but what happens to the boyfriend? Does he automatically have the right to her success, especially when he doesn't have what she does? They have no commitment whatsoever and call me pessimistic, but I doubt it will work out. :shrug: It just seems to me there needs to be some sort of serious long-term commitment - even if it's not marriage.

Okay, I think I've rambled enough!

Very interesting thread!

sara_jayne
07-30-2007, 12:41 PM
I love this discussion!

My husband and I met on-line and were friends for 6 years before it turned into something more. We dated long distance for a year (September 03 - September 04) (very difficult) We got engaged in May of 2004. I finally made the big move in September of 2004 to live near him.

We were married in March of 2005. Getting married for me was important because it meant we could live together. He grew up in a very traditional, very religious family so living together before marriage was NOT even an option. It was a shock to go from living in the same state for 6 months to living together. I'm not saying that living together before we were married would have changed my mind about marrying him but it was tough being newlyweds and having to "figure it all out".

We had 8 people at our wedding. We didn't want to spend a lot of money but wanted a special ceremony to share with those we loved the most. I wore a white pant suit and he didn't even wear a tie, because that wasn't him. My sister stood with me as my only attendant and was allowed to wear whatever she wanted. I didn't need things to look 'perfect' - I was marrying the man I loved and was able to share that moment with my parents and my sister and that was all that mattered. We could have gotten married in the grocery store but as long as I was marrying him and had my parents and sister there it would have been perfect.

We both thought we wanted a traditional family with 2.5 kids and a white picket fence. It didn't take us long to change our minds and decide not to have children. We realize this will mean our parents will never be grandparents and that was hard, but we had to think of ourselves.

As for names....I too had to keep my madien name because after being that person for 25 years I couldn't give that up. I now have 4 names, only one last name, and took my madien name as a second middle name....I love my name but it has caused problems because most "normal" people only have one middle intial so forms are tough! However, my father still calls me by my madien name sometimes....he just does it out of habit and so it makes me proud to still carry my madien name.

IrishKnitter is exactly right....any decision has to be made for you and what is right as a couple. I wouldn't want a big wedding, but I am not going to deny anyone that right! It truly is a HUGE decison, but entierly personal!

blueeyes28
07-30-2007, 12:56 PM
My maiden name is Smith too so I couldn't wait to change it.

SabrinaJL
07-30-2007, 01:20 PM
I dropped my middle name, so my real name is first name, maiden name, married name.

Ah, man! I wish I would have thought of that. I really hate my middle name.

jjminarcik
07-30-2007, 01:57 PM
Ah, man! I wish I would have thought of that. I really hate my middle name.

It's never too late! :teehee:

larudden
07-30-2007, 02:00 PM
Oh man! I can't believe I just typed for the past 10 minutes and my IE went down and it was all lost! :hair:

I met Matthew in July of 2000 and married him in March of 2001. He lived in NY and I lived in FL and we were introduced by my BF George, who is also the guy I do all my singing gigs with.

I DID NOT want to fall in love with anyone at the time because I was going through a divorce after 19 years of marriage and I wanted to have some time as "myself."

However, God definitely has a sense of humor because I fell in love practically the moment we met. He moved to FL in November and proposed on Christmas Day. He lived with George and his family until the wedding because I don't live with men I'm not married to (I had 3 teenage daughters and didn't think it would be "the thing" to do).

I had taken back my maiden name after the divorce and because I didn't want to "lose myself" again, I took Avila as my middle name and Rudden as my last. Actually, I think legally my name is Avila-Rudden. I don't know.:lol:

Matt "gets" me. I'm pretty crazy and eccentric, and he loves that about me. He told me that, the first time he heard me sing, he knew he could listen to me sing for the rest of his life. Awwwwwwwwwwwww, Every day, he tells me he loves me a zillion times. I think, truly, that I can count on 2 hands the amount of times Steve told me he loved me in 19 years of marriage. Maybe that's why he married the next door neighbor (can you picture THAT scenario?).

I wrote and recorded a song for Matt on our 5th anniversary. http://songpartners.com/Leslie%20Rudden%20Promo.htm

Matt supports me 200% and loves me with a love that I always thought I could never have. God knew what He was doing when he brought Matthew into my life and I truly believe that Matt is the only man on this earth who would be able to get me through the stuff that has happened to me and my girls up til now.

So, listen to my love song.:heart::heart::heart: It's pretty mushy!

Quiltlady
07-30-2007, 05:26 PM
My dh and I met on a blind date set up by mutual friends of ours. Sparks flew as soon as we saw each other!! :woohoo: He lived across the state from me so we talked on the phone every day and wrote letters daily. We got engaged and then were married within six months and that was over 30 yrs. ago. I still have ALL of those love letters. :happydance: We are still crazy in love after all this time and three children and one grandchild later.

I felt honored when he proposed to me. It showed me that he wanted me for himself and he cared enough to make a commitment and so did I. I was brought up when you did not "live" with a person...you dated then got married if you met the right one. Just living with him was never an option for either of us. :fingerwag:

I would not change a thing. :cheering:

hunterjenn
07-30-2007, 05:45 PM
We could have gotten married in the grocery store but as long as I was marrying him and had my parents and sister there it would have been perfect.

:teehee: I love this! :heart:

IrishKnitter
07-30-2007, 06:08 PM
:teehee: I love this! :heart:

Me too! That is TOTALLY how I felt, especially as the wedding got closer and closer. I didn't care what the flowers looked like, if everything was perfect, I just wanted to be married! :teehee:

sara_jayne
07-30-2007, 09:37 PM
:teehee: I'm glad to know I amused you ladies :teehee:

It is the truth! The wedding was hard enough to plan because I broke my mom's heart and my grandparents hearts which was hard, but we wanted to be sure our wedding day was about us and that is what we did. It is so important to stay true to what you want! :heart:

lestrella
07-30-2007, 10:47 PM
My DH and I met started dating in 1992. It was love at first sight!!! :aww: :heart: :inlove: We dated for many years. Then, we lived together for a year and a half before we actually got married in 2000. I was 30 and he was almost 28. There was no a formal proposal. Actually, I think I brought it up just like I asked him out on our first date. We didn’t want a wedding, so we just went to city hall and got married one morning and had dinner at a restaurant with our family that night. It was in April, but I don’t remember the date. We never really celebrate our wedding anniversary. More important to me was the date we committed to each other on October of 1992. Nothing really changed after we got married. We were “one” since before we even moved in together.

I never changed my last name because is part of my identity. It would feel kind of weird…It wouldn’t be me anymore.

Our 6 year old son has both of our last names hyphenated. After all, he is my son too. Why should he just have DH’s last name?

Anyway, we’ve been together for almost 15 years and we are happily married. I knew since the first time I saw him that he was the one. He is such a sweetheart!!:muah::inlove:

SabrinaJL
07-31-2007, 12:01 AM
It's never too late! :teehee:

Well, I've been Sabrina J*** L**** for over 12 years. Be kinda weird to change now. And I suppose as much as I dislike my middle name (and I really do), my mom named me after her favorite cousin and I should keep it. They were born around the same time and he was like a brother to her.

Knitting_Guy
07-31-2007, 12:22 AM
I went insane once and got married. Luckily my state of mental health improved after about 12 years.

sig
07-31-2007, 03:49 AM
Just a little comment. I don´t understand this thing about changing your name. In Spain and all of the central and south america you don´t change your name! (They used to do this long time ago) And when you have a child, you have two last names. First your dad´s and then your mom´s (this has always been the same). For example:
your mom: Maria Garcia
your dad: Antonio Smith
your name: Cristina Smith Garcia
Also, your parents have all of their last names... you just use 2! It´s like you have all of your genealogy in your name! Anyway, just a little comment. :muah:

KnittingNat
07-31-2007, 04:36 AM
Sig, could you explain again: when two people with double names are having a child - what happens? The baby can't really choose his/her name...

sig
07-31-2007, 06:37 AM
ok, lets see...
My mom and dad have a zillion last names, but you use only two.
Example:
mom: Maria Garcia Mejia
dad: Antonio Smith Suarez
kid: Cristina Smith Garcia Suarez Mejia
I don´t know if you can see it, but you´ll add all of their last names back to your grandparents, greatgrandparents, etc. First it will be the "man" last name and then the "woman" last name.
And you don´t choose, by law is that way. Does it mke any sense?? sorry, it's hard to explain!! :mrgreen:

iza
07-31-2007, 08:33 AM
Just a little comment. I don´t understand this thing about changing your name. In Spain and all of the central and south america you don´t change your name!

I must say I don't understand the changing the name thing either. :teehee: Here it's possible to do it in principle but nobody does it. It's a little culture shock, isn't it? To me it would be like changing my first name to my mother in law's. :teehee: It wouldn't make any sense. Imagine: "My name is Iza today, but tomorrow after my wedding, I'll be Mary". :shrug:

This being said, when it comes to marriage, tradition is always an important element. The significance of each tradition will be different for different people, so I can understand why for some women it's important. The perception of a married woman using her maiden name is important too. For places where the default is to change your name, I can understand it's just easier to do like everyone else.

She has a good job, wants to buy a house, etc. - but what happens to the boyfriend? Does he automatically have the right to her success, especially when he doesn't have what she does?
You're right, jjminarcik, it is very very important if you decide not to get married to make sure all the legal/financial consequences are very clear. However, I don't think it's different for people who decide to get married. It's equally important for married couple to understand what it means in terms of legal/financial obligations. No matter what you decide, it's important to get accurate information and accept the consequences of your decision. :thumbsup:

For your friend, it's very possible she doesn't want to commit. And you could be surprised! I know a couple who always said they know it will end one day and that they didn't plan to live together for the rest of their lives. Well they are still together after more than 10 years, and they're still happy together. :teehee: Better than a lot of marriages!

Eloewien
07-31-2007, 09:31 AM
I met my husband in Fall of 2000 in Physics class at college, we were both 19. By the spring, we were engaged, but we didn't get married until summer of 2004. This was primarily due to the fact that I was still in school and mom swore that as soon as I was married, she would quit helping me cover college expenses. Unfortunately, she had previously promised to help me until I finished, and due to this, I still don't have a degree three years later.
Mom has never entirely approved of DH and still seems to think it won't last. I'm 26 now and I think we're even closer and happier than when we met. We've been through so much together already, and I can't see us ever giving up on each other.
Unfortunately, here in the US, if you want medical insurance for your significant other, you have to get married. As far as we're concerned, the day we got engaged, it was official.
I changed my name because I really didn't like my last name, and I didn't feel like dealing with a double last name. His is easier to spell, so people don't mess it up!
Anyway- people thought we wouldn't last, and seven years later, I love him more than ever!