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Knitting_Guy
08-08-2007, 09:29 PM
I was sitting here in the hotel when I got a call from JoAnn. We were together for 7 years. She's the last relationship I had and we split up in the early part of '04.

She still calls me from time to time although I have no idea why. To me it's kinda like pouring salt in a wound.

The only reason we split up was because she wanted to get married and I didn't. That's pretty much the gist of it.

I enjoyed hearing from her in a way, but in a way it just makes me kinda sad. I have no idea why she still calls after all this time.

JessicaR
08-08-2007, 09:45 PM
:hug:

stitchwitch
08-08-2007, 09:49 PM
I have no idea why she still calls after all this time.


Because she still loves you.:shrug:

mrs desert rain
08-08-2007, 09:51 PM
i'm sure she misses you! knowing that doesn't make it easier, of course...:hug:

Jan in CA
08-08-2007, 09:51 PM
I think she must still care for you at least as a friend and your being said says that maybe you still care for her, too. Things don't always work out though and I can understand why you're a little sad. :hug::hug::hug:

Knitting_Guy
08-08-2007, 10:00 PM
Thanks folks. Yes, we both still care, it wasn't a lack of caring that caused us to split up. Probably why I haven't had a relationship since.

Sara
08-08-2007, 10:04 PM
:hug:

Susan P.
08-08-2007, 10:05 PM
..umm..Perhaps because she wanted to get married and you didn't? :)

Have the pair of you thought of getting back together but dealing with either your perspective on marriage or hers on marriage. Would you have a commitment ceremony for example Mason that isn't a marriage ceremony as such..but just a vow commitment to each other? None of my business but it sounds like a bit of a shame.

Knitting_Guy
08-08-2007, 10:08 PM
Honestly, the fault is all mine. I was married once, for 13 years, and simply don't want to be involved in that kind of relationship again.

She's a very caring and "nice" person. She deserves better than someone like me.

Susan P.
08-08-2007, 10:16 PM
Mason..although I am loathe to generally offer..well..generalisations about genders and people..I have to admit I find that many men suffer dreadfully after a marriage break up. I know we hear a lot about one type of man vis First Wives Club etc :) (and there are a lot of them about) but I know men, like you, who are marvelous and who have SO much to offer but who drastically short change their lives because that first break up took such a horrid toll on them. When they think about another relationship they remember that and recoil; scared to death of going through it again.

As I said, it's none of my business but there are ways to deal with these concerns and feelings and, putting yourself down Mason...well..its not the answer (if you don't mind my saying so). Doing this excuses you from moving forward and is so very negative. Ok, we may have disagreed on one issue here but in the main I find you smart, witty, responsive. I'd like to see you believe in that and live it out rather than staying in a position of being down.

I used to often feel the way you do until a counselor told me I was being ridiculously self indulgent. Gosh that was a shock LOL It IS very hard to get over these feelings I know..but I reckon the past can only win if you let it.

Be good to yourself Mason and at least rejoice that this lovely lady has the capacity to regard you well.

Rorshach
08-08-2007, 10:18 PM
Seriously, Mason, if she's still calling you, I would think, to her mind at least, there is NOTHING better than you.

PaperGirl
08-08-2007, 10:24 PM
As a person of the female persuasion...heres my thought.

If I had a great relationship with a guy, but split up amicably, time passed..

I might call that person, just to see if things had changed...if there was a chance for something new.

Dangles
08-08-2007, 10:30 PM
:hug:

Knitting_Guy
08-08-2007, 10:47 PM
Thanks folks. I don't think she's fishing for a restart, she's just that kind of person. Hell, she still has dinner with her ex husband's parents from time to time.

Susan P.
08-08-2007, 10:55 PM
:) Heh..I on the other hand know no-one from a past relationship life. Funny old world isn't it Mason :)

willowangel
08-08-2007, 10:56 PM
*hugs* Really sucks when you love each other but want different things from life. My last partner and I split for that reason. And I know what you mean about the sad bit - my first love and I once got to talking, years and years after the breakup, and he told me that he'd had an engagement ring for me all those years ago, ready to ask (before his ex (his first love.. hmm.. meat loaf song anyone?) turned up and he was a boy and went off with her so she could break his heart again).

The idea of it made me sad - I didn't want to go back to him, but there's some little part of you that wonders what might have happened if you both had made different choices. And it's a kind of long-term grieving for something lost - we forget too often at the end of a relationship that it was good for a while. Grieving for that part of it is the same as any grief, you get on with your life, move on, do other things, but sometimes it still makes you sad.

Ramble ramble, sorry ;-)
*hugs again*
Fi xxx

Susan P.
08-08-2007, 11:06 PM
willowangel..Nicely put. When I first made my big seachange I started to think..even to dream!..of someone I used to know who I hankered after. It started to bug me and I was oh so so tempted to call them. I didn't and I decided I wouldn't until I have achieved a few things (and hopefully by then the desire will fade). But I think part of my desire was a little grief, a little bit of feeling the full brunt of the change of life direction and craving a bit of the old world that was comfortable in a way and 'known'. When I think of that now I know a lot of that world WAS good and was worth feeling fond about..but..I have moved on.

jodstr2
08-09-2007, 12:20 AM
I've been in this situation before - it's a toss-up because I missed that person yet it reopened a wound to hear from that person again.

I'm trying to put myself in her place to see if I know why she called - idk, I think maybe just to say hi because at that moment she thought of you, still considers you a friend, and remembers the good times, and, well, just that. sorry Mason, real deep, aren't I? ;) :lol: but seriously, she could really be missing you - or - she could just be reminding you that you're a pleasant memory in her life.

I know you didn't ask for advice but I just wanted to tell you I know how that feels and yes, a little sad is perfectly natural. :hug:

AnnaT
08-09-2007, 01:35 AM
None of my business but it sounds like a bit of a shame.

I think it's sort of a shame, too.

debinoz
08-09-2007, 01:49 AM
Just my opinion, but ya'll were together for 7 years and I'm assuming that you were good friends. so maybe when she calls she's just needing to talk to someone she knows is a friend? This thread just totally smashed my theory of truckers having a girl in every state.... ;)

dakatzmeow
08-09-2007, 06:24 AM
i've been known to do this with someone i still regard as a friend, even though we didn't work out as a couple.

Ronda
08-09-2007, 07:20 AM
Nothing to add except :hug:

mulene
08-09-2007, 09:12 AM
hrm I have an ex like that - there really wasn't a reason to split but it was my fault and he didn't want to get married but I did. He did however want to have babies with me and frankly hes the ONLY man I ever met that I thought "Yep I'd have his baby"

Once in a while we still talk - hes married now but when we talk he often says things like "I can't I'm with the wrong person" when I ask if hes considering having kids yet as he would make a Fantastic father.

I guess I fall into the self indulgent category - its been a good 8 years since we split and frankly since then I've not actually had any form of relationship other than a couple of quick fumbles or a mutually agreed err bonking partner.

I'd rather have a relationship something lasting with someone who I can spend time with and have some fun as well as do some of the dull boring stuff. I've not found anyone - my ex says its because I am oblivious to the world around me. He may be right.

There is someone at the moment I'd LOVE to date but I don't think theres any way that can happen and I can't ask him out because I am involved with him through work :P

Every time I talk with my ex its usually a fun conversation and we have a laugh but after I just feel a bit blue - a bit like you are feeling now. It's silly I know but you know what - I can sympathise with you and offer you the advice of "feel up some Mmmmmalabrigo and pop open a tub of your fave ice cream ;)"


:hug::hug:

zkimom
08-09-2007, 09:55 AM
Mason,

I don't think you give yourself enough credit. She calls you cause she thinks you're worth it. From everything you've posted here, I'd have to say you are worth an awful lot.

I'm sorry that her calling you makes you sad.

You need to feel that you are worth someone loving and caring about. All the things about you that make you who you are, that make you Mason, are the things that someone will appreciate. And like all of us, you are a complete package that comes with the downside of things you don't like so much about yourself. Cause none of us are perfect.

My own personal take on the whole relationship thing is that this society (is it just Americans or do Europeans fall into the trap, also?) has such a warped expectation of what relationships should be -- especially when it comes to marriages. A friend of mine used to say how angry she was with her mother for reading her fairy tales when she was a child because she grew up thinking that she was a Princess and that her Prince Charming would show up eventually. I can't speak for what expectations men have when they grow up but if all the women around you are expecting a Prince, well then, what's a guy to do if he's just a regular guy?

So here we are with all our expectations of love and stars and soul mates and happily ever after and all that fairy tale nonsense we get fed as kids. And what is love really? In my not so humble opinion, love is constant compromise and acceptance of the other person for who he/she is and wants to become.

It seems to me that you need to take a look at whether or not you even want a relationship. If you do and it's not happening for you, maybe your own ideas of what a relationship should be are getting in the way. If you don't, then you need to focus on the things you have going for you that make you happy and fulfilled.

Oh my -- what is it about the anonymity of the internet that makes me so bold as to give you advice about your life? :shrug:

Hope your mood has improved.

Best,
Susan

msoebel
08-09-2007, 10:07 AM
Mason, I'm sorry you are sad. It's those impossible relationships that make us wonder so many years later, huh?

She calls you because she still loves you...although she may not still be in love with you.

You know how her calls make you feel sad, and make you miss her and your time together? She is calling you because SHE feels sad and misses you and misses your time together. She thinks about you and she just wants to hear your voice.

It's the amicable breakups that are often the hardest to "get over". I mean, when you have a really good, painful, angry break up, there is that instant closeure. You are ready for that person to be out of your life.

But you broke up, not because you didn't love each other, but because you knew you couldn't make her happy and marry her.

It's only human to have your "But what about me?" moments now.

Hang in there. You'll move on when you're ready to move on. There is no time limit here, there isn't a period of "normal" when it comes to getting over a love. When you're heart is ready, you'll know.

Misty

letah75
08-09-2007, 01:17 PM
Honestly, the fault is all mine. I was married once, for 13 years, and simply don't want to be involved in that kind of relationship again.

She's a very caring and "nice" person. She deserves better than someone like me.

Mason,

You are witty, charming, intelligent, caring, and funny! I'm not sure quite what you mean by "she deserves better than someone like me"

This particular sentiment has confuzzled me for some time. If there was a fundamental difference between the two of you regarding lifestyle, beliefs, mores, values, etc. That I understand. Those things will kill a romantic relationship, yet a friendship can survive. But that statement to me comes across as that person having the belief that there is something wrong with them, or that they haven't let the other person fully know them.

The reason I say that is, she knows who you are, deep down. After 7 years she should, you can't be that good of an actor as to hid some terrible part of you from her for that long. She knows you better than we KHer can. We all love and care deeply for you, her caring likely can't be measured.

The "she deserves better" (Please no offense Mason :hug:) seems to me to be the hight of selfishness. Like you know her mind better than she does, and as though you will make a better decision for her than she ever could. (I'm not aiming this specifically at you, I mean this to all who've said this). She was in love with YOU, positives, negatives, flaws and all! She is surely not perfect, nor will she (me/anyone) ever be. But love, true love is knowing those human flaws exist and maybe not liking them all, but loving them because those make you who you are.

Past heartbreak, past bad decisions, past positive life experience make you who you are today. But you have to see them as learning experiences, and not road blocks. Let yourself change because of them, but don't let positives or negatives, define you because then you stop growing.

There are very definitely experiences I've had in life that I don't want to repeat, but I try not to let myself be closed off from similar experiences because they might turn out the same....I really hope what is coming from my brain and out my fingers makes sense.

If marriage is not for you Mason, then it's not. And I don't know this woman, or the relationship you had. But personally, when I talk to an ex that is an ex for a concrete reason I don't feel sadness, because there are no regrets or left over feelings for that person. It sounds to me as though you still have feelings for her, or possibly aren't sure if the correct decision was made. That makes my heart hurt.

You have always brightened my day, and I LOVE :heart: reading your posts. Your humor has always been something I've looked forward to on this forum. You are one of the many members that make this one of the Callahan's (re: Spider Robinson books) of the web for me. I hope I haven't offended, because you are such a great person. I just had to put in my two cents, cheap as they may be.

Knitting_Guy
08-09-2007, 01:46 PM
Thanks everyone.

I should explain that when I say that she deserves better, I mean that she deserves someone who is willing to make that commitment to marriage. She's the type who needs that kind of security in a relationship and needs someone who is there all the time for her and not out wandering the country, and as she's a very nice, caring person she deserves to have that.

I'm simply too footloose and enjoy my freedom to come and go as I please too much for that kind of relationship any more. Old dog, new tricks, all that. That's why I went into trucking in the first place, I didn't want to be tied down.

suzeeq
08-09-2007, 01:50 PM
You never know, she might have changed her stance on marriage... I've been married and don't want to do it again; my bf would like to be married. However we've agreed that we do have a life partnership, so the only thing different is the piece of paper and ring. So maybe it's something you can discuss with her and see how she feels now; often people change their viewpoint on things over the years.

letah75
08-09-2007, 01:50 PM
Gottcha! That makes sense, and is totally not the type of "she deserves better" statement that I meant!

:hug:

zkimom
08-09-2007, 03:11 PM
Thanks everyone.

I should explain that when I say that she deserves better, I mean that she deserves someone who is willing to make that commitment to marriage. She's the type who needs that kind of security in a relationship and needs someone who is there all the time for her and not out wandering the country, and as she's a very nice, caring person she deserves to have that.

I'm simply too footloose and enjoy my freedom to come and go as I please too much for that kind of relationship any more. Old dog, new tricks, all that. That's why I went into trucking in the first place, I didn't want to be tied down.

Thanks for clarifying that -- I was going to ask if you were sending out invitations for a pity party.
:violin:

Sounds like you know what you're doing and feeling sad after talking to her is perfectly understandable.

But I still think she's looking to see where she stands with you.

Best,
Susan

Nobones
08-09-2007, 03:20 PM
Just to add to the voices here, I too think she calls you because she is still in love with you.

Big hugs to you Mason, I'm sorry her calling has upset you, but remember everyone deserves to loved, if you still love her maybe it's worth talking about.

:hug: