View Full Version : Big girls don't cry..right??

08-23-2007, 06:25 PM
I'm sick of everything..everything is going just totally wrong..

I'm in love with the sweetest perfect guy..so that's the good thing in my life..

but my parents would never approve or bless this relatoinship cuz he comes from a different culture and a different religion..and that's a big thing where I'm originally from..

my dad had two minor heart problems last year..and he never even told us till now!!!! he said it was 'almost' heart attacks..not sure what that meant..

if i tell my dad that I wanna marry that guy..or that I'm in love with him..he'd prolly have a heart attack..and if i just moved out or ran away or something..he'd prolly have a heart attack..so either way I'd be killing him..

my sister who used to be my best friend keeps putting me down and telling me there's no way I should be with that guy..and that he's prolly using me cuz he's 9 yrs older..and keeps saying bad stuff about him..which kills me inside cuz I thought I'd have her beside me..u kno..at least one person in the family who knows and who's by my side!
but no..she just keeps saying totally insensitive stuff that makes me cry everytime..and I can never talk back cuz I'd be trying so hard not to cry in front of her..and if i started talking I'd def cry..

I think my mom and my dad are getting a divorce soon..and it's killing me..

my dad has been stressing about me changing universities..and I just L.O.V.E my skool..and even though it's not gonna happen it's still too much stress..

he's also been telling me lately that I shouldn't bring home a boy..and that I'm gonna get married through arranged marriages..because I'm living in Canada and he doesn't want me marrying someone from a different culture!!! (and it's not like i've been living in my home country anyways!! i don't even get their traditions!!)

and on top of all that..I can't talk to anybody I know..I just can't depress someone with my problems..so I'm really about to explode..

I'm sure to some other people my problems are nothing..but they're there..and to me they're hard and they hurt so much..I'm so scared and confused and depressed..

sorry..just had to have a lil rant and didn't know where else to do it!

08-23-2007, 06:51 PM
I won't even try to give advice cause I have no clue what to tell you, but i can offer some of these :hug::hug::hug::heart::heart::heart: hope they help.

oh, and crying is never wrong!! sometimes it helps a lot!

08-23-2007, 06:52 PM
Rule #1: Don't sweat the small stuff.

Rule #2: It's all small stuff.

Live your life for yourself and you can't go wrong.

08-23-2007, 07:07 PM
thanks lissalue! hugs are all I need! :)

thanks knitting guy...I guess you're right..it's not easy to do so though!

08-23-2007, 07:09 PM
Oh I don't know, I've found that developing a basic don't give a frack attitude has worked for me pretty well over the years.

08-23-2007, 07:12 PM
I should try that!! I do the same for most of the lil stuff in life..just not with family stuff I guess..

thanks :)

08-23-2007, 07:15 PM
hehe, sounds familiar, except my rules were don't sweat the petty stuff, and don't pet the sweaty stuff. :roflhard: Seriously, it'll all work out. The guy you're seeing, if you feel strongly about him, then age hardly matters. case in point, my elder brother is married to someone who is 2 years younger than I, he's 35, and she's 29.

You wouldn't be the first person to go ahead and marry who you like and to heck with traditions. But you'd have to make that decision. Just giving you my humble opinion. Keep yer chin up and your principles straight and you'll win out.

And by the way, yes, big girls DO cry....when there's a need.

08-23-2007, 07:19 PM
And by the way, yes, big girls DO cry....when there's a need.

Or a potential speeding ticket.

08-23-2007, 07:19 PM
oh, and my DH is 23 years older than me, so don't worry about the age thing. at least, i wouldn't.

08-23-2007, 07:24 PM
Hang in there. I think it's good that you want to be respectful of your parents -- that you're upset shows that you do care about upsetting them.

Just take things slowly. Try not to hit them with everything all at once. This will allow them to adjust to things.

We parents have a hard time allowing our children to live separate lives. Sometimes we have good advice, and sometimes we need our horizons broadened for us.

Good luck. Remember that they love you, and they want what's best for you.

Try finding a counselor to talk to so you don't keep your feelings all bottled up. You will feel a lot better!

08-23-2007, 07:27 PM
hehe, sounds familiar, except my rules were don't sweat the petty stuff, and don't pet the sweaty stuff. :roflhard:

Seriously, it'll all work out. The guy you're seeing, if you feel strongly about him, then age hardly matters. case in point, my elder brother is married to someone who is 2 years younger than I, he's 35, and she's 29.
he's def the best thing that has ever happened to me! and it's not just stupid teenagers talk..everybody who knows about us thinks we make the perfect cpl!

thanks a lot! :)
u guys are really cheering me up!

08-23-2007, 07:29 PM
Or a potential speeding ticket.

:roflhard: so true!

08-23-2007, 07:29 PM
Something in side you tells you right from wrong. Follow your heart, just use your head in making choices.

If you say the heck with everyone else and do your own thing, just remember if it turns out wrong, you will have to take the blame. But if you live your life following other peoples dreams and wishes for your life, then if it doesn't turn out you will blame them.

It depends how you handle responsibility. But life is short so sometimes a gut feeling can help you make decisions. Just be strong, it is sometimes hard to make everyone in your life happy at the same time along with yourself.

So, ya, keep your chin up.

08-23-2007, 07:33 PM
auburnchick : well..I know my parents...they'd NEVER get any open minded...
I'd basically be bringing shame on them if I go ahead and marry that guy (someday)..or if i even move out! that's how it is where they grew up and that's how they're always going to be!!
they don't even like that I have friends from other origins that me!! that's how closed-minded they are..

mare-nitt: I guess it would be better if I go with what I want then blame myself for it...cause you can't really blame anybody else for ur decisions..even if ur decision was to do what they think..it's still urs..

08-23-2007, 07:46 PM

misha rf
08-23-2007, 08:20 PM
I wish I had some advice to offer you, but I can't add to what's been said. Except to say that my husband is 12 years older than me.

And a good cry can be very therapeutic!!! :hug:

Mason, you are too funny!! :roflhard:

08-23-2007, 08:22 PM
:hug:I know it's not as easy as it seems. I have a few friends in the same situation. It's very hard on them.

This being said, you must live your own life. I don't know how old you are, but if you're a Canadian adult, you're free to marry whoever you want. Your parents might not like all your choices, but I'm sure they love you, so they'll learn to live with the choices you make. Good luck!

08-23-2007, 08:42 PM
I won't counsel you on the religious issues (I have my own strong opinions) but each one does according to how much they practice their own religion and how important they feel that will be in the future. Just remember............when you have kids, that may be a MAJOR bone of contention - you want to raise them one way, he wants it the other.

First of all, forget the age stuff! My DH is 12 years old than I and that's all out the window by the time you're in your 30s and 40s. Point is, how does he treat you? Be honest about it.......you don't have to answer here, just be honest with yourself, because blood IS thicker than water and you don't need to complicate your life over someone who doesn't adoreyou - through thick or thin.

Once you answer that question I think all the others follow suit. In the end it's all dust to dust, and no one will remember this 20 years from now.............ESPECIALLY if they have to eat crow if he turns out to be the love of your life (like mine). NOT that we haven't had our problems and major fights, but in the end, we each feel we got better than we deserve, and THAT'S what's going to take you through the rest of your life.


mrs desert rain
08-23-2007, 08:57 PM
i dated a guy off-and-on for 8 years (through HS and part of college), and my parents worried so much about me marrying him -- and i rebelled so much against them then! he turned out to be a great family man -- for someone else. (but i knew he would be, so i was vindicated, in a way...)

but they really were watching out for my future -- they wanted me to get out of our small town, experience big-city life, etc., and that wouldn't have happened if i'd married him.

that said, sometimes parents know what's best. and sometimes they don't. that's a matter for both your heart and your mind.

in the meantime, cry as often as you like! weep, whimper, or bawl your eyes out! nothing is more therapeutic. and really listen to yourself.

regarding your father's health... a story: a previous boss once told me that he would give ANYTHING to have 5 more minutes with his father, who had recently passed. that really, really stuck with me.

08-23-2007, 08:59 PM
iza: I am a canadian adult..but I just don't wanna kill my dad u know..he could easily get a heart attack cuz of that..
thanks :)

Arielluria: thank you..
and It's always nice to hear about two people who really love each other..

about the religion part..of course I totally respect your beliefs..myself though, even though I do believe in a certain religion..and I very much believe in a greatest power (God)..It's not a very big part of my life..mainly because there are quite a lot of parts in my religion that just doesn't make sense...and I tend to believe that it was kindda modified by people since God wouldn't send stuff like that (like how in my religion guys are fine marrying girls from other religions but girls cant)..
and I also believe that It's actually a good thing for my future kids cause they'll get to see and understand both our beliefs..and decide for themselves what to believe in!

and about him..even though I'm pretty young ive been though good relationships..and ive also been through an abusive one..and I've NEVER seen someone who treats me (or treats any other girl) as good as he does.. he's always there for me no matter what..he puts up with my emotional breakdowns that happens quite a lot cuz of my parents.. he'd take as much time and effort as he could to help me with anything..and he's given me love ive never had before..and made me feel special like nobody else have before..he's just..perfect..
if he wasn't..i would'nt have even gotten into this relationship..cause it's waaaay too much effort and conflict and I'm normally an avoid-conflict kindda person..

I just wish my parents would understand cuz I wouldn't wanna break their hearts(or possibly physically hurt them) for my happiness...cause that would be just plain selfish..

and I'm almost 100% sure they never will! (and im actually an optimistic person usually!)

08-23-2007, 09:04 PM
mrs desert rain: thanks..

I'd understand if there worries was that he isn't a good person or it's not for my best..
but they don't even know him..and my dad has told me repeatedly that " I should know that he isn't expecting me to bring home a guy..cause we come from another country and I'll have to marry from there"..and I think that's just being closed-minded..onthing to do with what's good for me!

and yea..I always thought what the hell it's my life and I'm gonna do what would make me happy! untill my dad told me that he got into the hospital twice this last yr for heart problems...and that's when I started thinking 'well i guess i can't really do that'

I love my dad..and I don't wanna hurt him..and I'll do everything I could to keep him healthy..
but I also love my man..and I can def say he treats me better than my dad! (I don't wanna get into this but according to canadian laws and stuff..both my parents would be considered abusives..both physically and emotionally)

08-23-2007, 09:10 PM
i think, being in college/university, you are in an excellent position to seek out some counseling. someone to run things by, bounce some ideas off of them, vent. is it possible to seek someone out with beliefs similar to yours?

08-23-2007, 09:17 PM
dakatzmeow:first of all, thanks :)
my beliefs aren't a very big part of my life..it is for my parents but not for me..so a counselors beliefs shouldn't be a big deal..the counsler thing though..even though I haven't tried I don't believe in the idea!! hehe

but yea..I'm prolly going to consider it if things kept stressing me out like that..

thanks again!:)

08-23-2007, 09:17 PM
Well, parents do know how to tug the heartstrings, after all, they are the ones that put them there in the first place.

Ironically, though, you mentioned that your parents might be going through a divorce, it's very possible that could cause a heart attack as well. Basically poor health and stress don't mix too well. So I would not say that you're to blame for your dad's heart.

I'm of the belief that people need to take responsibility for their own choices in life, and blaming others gets you nowhere, similarly, blaming yourself for something you have no control over is just as pointless.

Still, I understand that where family is involved it's difficult to make a choice that may seem selfish. But on the other hand, you would probably do well to put your principles firmly in front, and use that as your measuring stick on where to go. geez, if I keep adding my 2 cents, you're gonna be rich someday :lol:

08-23-2007, 09:21 PM
geez, if I keep adding my 2 cents, you're gonna be rich someday :lol:

I'm pretty sure I'm not to blame for the heart problems he had lately..cuz i've been a 'good girl' this last year..
...it doesn't count if I don't get caught, does it? :lol:

I'm just worried about causing him one later..

but yea...all well..I'll follow my gut and I'm sure it'll all turn out okay later..I just had to rant cuz if i bottled it any longer my head would explode!(and I also dont want my dad to have to clean up the mess!:lol:)

everybody here has been great and I'm already feeling better!! thanks a lot guys!

08-24-2007, 11:09 AM
Here's my 2 cents, and really, that may be all it's worth.

I am a big believer that you live by the rules of the house. If you continue to live at home after you can legally move out, you choose to follow the rules of the house.

I realize that in some cultures, a young woman remains in the home until marriage, but if you are willing to buck tradition by dating a man oustide of your culture, and possibly marry him someday, then perhaps you should also consider moving out.

If nothing else, it establishes to the family that you are choosing your own path. To a parent, any parent, a child choosing to live on their own (or with a roommate) would be less of a shock than bringing home a guy that they really don't approve of.

Then, when they get used to you being away from the family, ease them in to the idea that you are seeing this man.

I don't think age is an issue - if you are both in the same place in your lives. If he is divorced or separated from a wife, or if he is a professor, or if he is a professional while you are still a student, it's not usually a good idea to be romantically involved. The older, more established, partner will always have more power in the relationship than the younger and it's just not a balanced relationship. If you notice that he is always taking care of you, and you do not get to return the favor with as much frequency, examine your relationship to see if you have created a surrogate father figure in your life...one who lets you do what you want.

No matter what happens, I wish you a happy future.


08-24-2007, 11:43 AM
My two cents, albeit that I may be a little late in posting.

Girls DO cry, and they cry hard when necessary.

You need to resolve any issues that you have with your parents. Like it or not, they are the most important people in your life. My dad and I don't get along very well (his head is in the clouds these days, among other places), and it bothers me every day. That doesn't mean that you do whatever they say. However, if you are living in their house and they are supporting you, their wishes should have more weight than if you were giving them rent or grocery money. Try to be respectfully assertive - which is a difficult thing to be good at.

Oh, and crying does not get you out of a speeding ticket. Apologizing does. Crying with probably double your fine. I know for two reasons. One, my father and brother are cops, and it drives them absolutely off the charts when women do that. Two, I got pulled over for doing 30 mph over the limit once and said, sorry, I was just going too fast (it was a sunny day on a back county road and I still had my Monte Carlo - oh and I was on the way to the local dirt track races) - and the trooper knocked it down to a 10 mph ticket. Yes, I still got a ticket - but I would have lost my license and gotten a much stiffer fine.

08-24-2007, 11:52 AM
I agree with Auburnchic take things really slowly and let your parents get used to one thing at a time... Dont blame yourself for your dads "heart attcks" these can happen to anyone at anytime in their lives. Please try to remember that you only have one mum and dad and they they love you very much and think they are doing the right things by you...Just give them time. Take care and its good to cry girl!!!!!

08-24-2007, 04:44 PM
thanks everybody!! it feels good reading replys of ppl telling me they actually care!:)

msoebel: as u said..in some cultures a girl is supposed to stay home till marriage..and if she moves out then that means she's bringing shame on the family..and would have to face fights (and possibly beatings)..and would prolly be disowned by her parents.. sadly, I come from a culture like that..
and even though I could not care less about traditions..my parents do..and me moving out would have a HUGE impact on them! to put it simply Im not gonna be able to tell them where i am if I don't wanna get hurt..and they'll end up telling ppl that I died.. and that's what hurts the most about the whole situation!!! that they just don't care about what would make me happy cause they're too busy thinking about traditions and culture!

and about the age difference..it's not bugging me at all! we're both in the same university(even though he's a senior and I'm a sophomore ) and u really can't tell the age difference by the way we are together..

there isn't really an easy solution to my problems..my only hope is that my parents would change..but I just needed to rant..

thanks a lot!! :)

sinistral_needler: trust me..I would LOVE to fix stuff up with my parents..nobody would really get how it is unless they are in the same situation..but really..i would like to say it's impossible but I know nothing is...so ill just say it's almost impossible!
I deeply love them though..and I AM gonna make sure that they'll stay in my life no matter what..it just gets :wall:!!

and about the ticket thing...you would def know better!! I don't even have my G1(learner license) yet!! hehe

thanks a lot for ur advice!:)

and thanks a lot Pauline! i guess giving them time and hoping it'll work is all I can do!

08-24-2007, 05:10 PM
Ok, I'm late too, but I gotta have my say. :-)

First of all :hug:

Next, it's very hard for those of us who come from a western tradtion to understand ALL of the cultural issues you will have to deal with. I think from what I know of friends and family who have been in similar relationships your parents, if they are as steeped in culture as you say, are not going to change. Perhaps (and hopefully) I am wrong, but from my own life experiences I believe it to be unlikely.

That being said, if you love this man, and you want to marry him, be sure, I mean really SURE, he understands what the two of you would have to deal with when/if you get married. Safety first for all involved, but it sounds like if you marry him you will have to move away.

I have a very close family friend who married her husband 30 years ago. Her parents were immigrants, and very "old school" culturally speaking. Not only was he not of their ethnicity, but he was a different religion and 12 years younger than she was. (They met when she was the secretary at his highschool). When they got married they had to move out of state (actually from one ocean to another) to get away from her family and any possible violence. She was disowned and her family never spoke to her again.

She believed marrying him was what was right for her. They've been happily married for 30 years (almost 31) now, have two wonderful children, and many exceptional friends. His family was fine with the marriage and so there is regular contact with them. It still grieves her, that her parents and 13 bro's and sis's still won't talk to her. There were many conversations with the children about her family and why there was no contact.

The situation you are in is an extreamly tough and quite potentially life altering. I think if you love him, you love him, and that's what life is about. You have to do what you think is best for you. But be sure of your decision, be aware of all consequences, make him aware of all consequences, and make sure the two of you are in it together.

Personally, I think counseling would be good for you, just for your emotional health. Additionally, I am a big advocate for premarital counseling, not necessarly religious. But in a situation where differing religions and cultures are coming together, I think it's VERY important to get a premarital counselor. In addition to all of the things people forget to talk about prior to getting married, you throw in extra differences and there is just more to discuss, and be sure of.

I wish you all the luck in the world, and hope for the best. All I can say is you have to do what is best for you and your future happiness.

08-24-2007, 05:59 PM
awww :hug:

first of all..thanks for putting the time and effort into this reply!!

second of all..since u have that friend, u clearly know how hard and complicated it is with me! and I hope the best for ur friend and her family..I'm sure it's hard for her since the kids are asking and all..
I'm sure I'm not getting married soon..and the very few people I talked to about those concerns in real life told me it's too early to be thinking about that(I'm only 18)..
but I've been in 2 serious relationships before..one of them about 18 months long..and I couldn't say in either of them if I know for sure that I'm going to/want to spend the rest of my life with that person..but with the man I have now..I just KNOW it! I believe in 'the one' theory and I think he's the one for me! and we talked a lot about getting married as soon as the right time comes! (when we're done with skool..and have a stable job that allows us to start a famliy and get a house for us and his dad)
I'm deeply in love with him..and he knows every corner and bit of my parents' way of thinking..the potential dangers..the problems we'll have to go through..and the ones we're already going through..he has also looked it up and read about similar situations and watched documentaries and things..and his only concern is the possibility of me getting hurt! other than that he says he loves me and he's up for it! (I'm so lucky to have him!)
his dad is also a great man..and he also knows about the problems(I thought it was his right to know what his son is gonna have to face)..and even though he's worried about his son, he says he's never seen him so in love and as long as he's not gonna get killed then he should do what would make him happy..

I think premarital counseling is a great idea..when the time is right..
and I'm considering counseling for myself since so many ppl suggested it here..but I don't know..I'm just not comfortable with talking to people about my problems(face to face that is..over the internet it's different though)

anyways..thanks a lot for the long reply!:) and sorry if I blabbed on for so long on this post..


08-24-2007, 06:36 PM
Hon, i gotta speak up here. you need to do what makes YOU happy. You love this guy, he loves you. Your parents can't control you and your life forever.

The hardest lesson we parents have to learn is to let go and let our kids make their own lives for themselves, wish them the best and be there when they fall and to share in their joys while trying to keep our opinions about their lives to ourselves.

my current dh and i spent a year of my family trying to break us up... because he was older (15 years my senior) and made me happy. well, put it this way, he wants a bumper sticker for my van that says "proving the inlaws wrong since august, 1997" to give you an idea how things have gone. it hasn't been easy, but just as you can't control whether or not your parents get a divorce, you CAN control staying with someone who you love and loves you back (that is a VERY rare gift in this day and age, grab hold of it and don't let go! you'll weather the storms together and come out stronger for it) and you CAN control which university you stay with or transfer to.

08-25-2007, 08:11 AM
hey LilHuskiesFootBallMom
:) always good to hear about love stories! wish u two the best!:yay:
thanks a lot for ur words..I think that's the right thing to do too..as u said, finding someone who u really love and loves u back is very rare and I should hold on to it!!

thanks again :)

08-25-2007, 09:15 AM
and I'm considering counseling for myself since so many ppl suggested it here..but I don't know..I'm just not comfortable with talking to people about my problems(face to face that is..over the internet it's different though)

It's very easy to pour our hearts out over the internet, isn't it?:heart: Even though we kind of "know" each other, there's a certain amount of anonimity. However, I truly believe that, in order to grow, we must be comfortable facing tough issues "out in the open," so to speak. I've told my three daughter that "there's nothing so bad you can't tell me" and HAVE THEY TOLD ME! OMG! But, you know, I'd rather it be that way than to have them be afraid.

With that said, I really believe that talking with someone is a great step forward. It's quite liberating to be able to pour out stuff to a totally objective party, someone who's been trained to deal with the big issues. There HAS to be someone at school to talk with, right? I'd do it and do it soon because you've got some major big issues to deal with and who the heck wants to deal with them alone, huh?:hug:

I'm very sad for the fact that your parents seem to be unwilling or unable to embrace who YOU are, without the whole cultural issue taking a front seat. I think that, as an American and a woman, it's really really hard for me to accept the whole "woman's place" thing. I grew up in a family of three daughters and we were never told we were loved and we were never encouraged to be anything more than a wife and mother because we were women. That was soooooooo hard and still has a hold on me and my sisters to this day (I'm 48). I was determined that my 3 daughters would always know they were loved and supported and, even though they've made some crazy decisions in their lives (21, 23 and 25), the important thing is that they made them.

Unfortunately, many people refuse to accept that the world is changing and what "worked" for them "back in the day" won't necessarily work NOW in 2007. It's a different world and things will never get better until we start accepting each other for who we ARE as human beings.

Oh - can I say this in love? - YOU will not give your father a heart attack. His HEALTH ISSUES will give him a heart attack. His DIET will give him a heart attack. His ability to deal with stress or NOT deal with stress will give him a heart attack. I would like you to please try to let that go because it'll hold you hostage if you don't. Many parents will use the old "What did I do to deserve THIS?" stuff and will keep saying that to us until we start believing that it's all our fault. Been there, done that, wore the shirt out..... But guess what? It's NOT your fault!!!!!! I repeat - It's NOT your fault!!!

Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, I need to stop now. My "momma tiger" is coming out!:heart::heart:

Keep us posted. And, of course, we're all here for ya!

08-26-2007, 06:46 PM

thank u thank u thank u, larudden!! :hug:
I'm glad you have a great relationship with ur daughters =)..I always wished I had a good one with either one of my parents, I'm sure they really appreciate it!

talking to someone is always relieving..feels so good to kindda share all the troubles with someone who cares..I just never can get myself to start talking..I always think it would be selfish of me to kindda bug ppl about my own problems..I mean, they have their own problems to deal with! they don't need to hear about mine too!
I do have great friends and a great bf who would love if I opened up..but I just can't..part of it is cuz I was always blamed and yelled, or ignored, whenever I thought I could just say my opinion about something or complained about something..and another part is cause we moved around a lot when I was little..

talking to someone helps alot though!(helped me get over being suicidal when i was 13!!)..so yea I really am considering counseling..or at least sitting my bf down and complaining to him or something!

I'm so sorry to hear about what you had to deal with, with ur parents...I went through all of that too..I also have a brother so I got to see the difference (still do)..and let me tell u it STINKS! had my troubles with it but learnt to just get over it..just have to get over the whole 'u r a girl' thing :shrug:

thanks for pointing out the heart attack thing..never looked at it that way! but I guess you're right..if he had a proper diet and wasn't so overweight he wouldn't have had heart problems to start with!

thanks a lot! really! ur post was really heartwarming! :hug:

to let you know..I talked to my bf about a thing or two of what was bugging me..got some comforting..so I do feel a bit better :)
and school is gonna be starting in 2 weeks..so I'll get to hang out with him and my friends more..and with my family less...which is def gonna make me feel way better!

hugs and kisses,
HaLeY :)