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View Full Version : Need to vent... tough month...


Eloewien
09-07-2007, 06:27 PM
**note- sorry for the length, but there's so much going on...**
This is just a bad day...week... month... figured I would get it out of my system with people that would understand.
I'm not at the panic attack point, but I am at the "I want to scream or go hit something or cry uncontrollably if this doesn't back off soon" point. Thankfully, I never actually do any of that, but I feel like I want to!
Work is being difficult- I'm a technical trainer in a call center and everyone is stressed, so our boss is being a bit hard on us. Then I have an agent questioning my every move (yea- you have been here two WEEKS, I've been here over five YEARS- you have no idea what you're talking about!) I finished another training class the week before last and it was the worst group I ever had to deal with. Every time I tried to reprimand an agent, management found a reason not to do it, so I had no authority with that group. This group is just frustrating and very immature. I honestly don't think most of them will make it out of training, let alone be able to do the job.

I also interviewed for a job about two months ago, and haven't heard back. They called all my references two weeks ago, but now it's just a waiting game. I'm friends with over half the department where I'm trying to go, and they haven't been told that anyone got the job yet, but mom keeps telling me that I shouldn't get my hopes up, I'm probably not going to get it. On the flip side- every one of my coworkers here and possible future coworkers say I'm the best candidate... but still mom says I won't get it, which hurts.
Two weeks ago, we found out that my husband's grandfather had cancer. Two days later, he died of a massive heart attack. We then drove round trip from our home in Virginia to Florida in four days- with all the driving around Florida as well, it was over 2,000 miles. I'm still completely exhausted from that.
We then had company - my husband's former room mate from college- in town, and tickets to a football game I really wanted to go to, so didn't get any down time that weekend either.
Today, mom called to say that my "Grandma" Barbara who helped raise me (not really grandma, but adopted family) is in Virginia visiting, she lives in Nevada, so it's a long way. I haven't seen her in about 12 years, so yea- I would like to see her. However, Virginia is a decently large state. I live as far west as you can get and still be in Virginia. She gave me no warning that this was happening, and she wants me to drop everything and drive 4 1/2 - 5 hours each way to go see her. When I called mom back and said I'm just not safe to drive, she offered to come get me. The two problems there are that she makes me insanely carsick when she drives, and she's really not safe to drive at night. I also know that there is no way she could do 18-20 hours of driving in two days. I know that this is probably the last chance of me ever seeing her... but I just can't do it.
On top of that- tomorrow is the 6 year anniversary of my father-in-law's death, so my husband is dealing with losing his grandfather and that brought back lots of memories of losing his father as well. He is somewhat sick this week and completely exhausted from working too much, and I'm NOT leaving him at home alone.
About an hour ago, she had dad call me too- and he sounds so disappointed in me. Dad almost never acts that way, and it is really hurting. It's all I can do not to go hide in a corner and cry somewhere, but I have seven agents that I am responsible for training, and we have too many people out sick so there is no one to cover for me if I leave.
I just feel like the most awful person in the world. I'm going back and forth between near-panic, being ready to cry, and being so angry I want to just hit something. I tried taking one of the few 0.25mg Xanax I have left... I didn't have mental health coverage of any sort for six months. The new coverage just started last week, and I've got an appointment next week, but it's not helping me much now.
I just feel horrible and guilty but at the same time so angry that my parents are making me feel so torn between adopted family and my husband. How in the world can I make a choice? Either way, I let someone down... which makes me feel awful. This has been happening more and more where I get put in a position between having to choose between my husband and the rest of my family, even after seven years, mom doesn't think he's good enough. He has never done anything to annoy them except stick up for me and take care of me. He and I have been in one real fight in seven years, he almost never even raises his voice to me, and would never do anything worse than that. He has a very good job and works very hard for us to have the life that we want... so I have absolutely no idea why they don't approve. The only thing he did "wrong" was ask me to marry him when I was 19, but after seven years, you would think that would be in the past.
I just don't know how much more I can take and still function. Just to clarify- nothing worse than a crying fit or panic attack would happen, but usually after one of those, I'm pretty well numb and useless. (Figured I would clarify- I am not the type to hurt even a bug, let alone myself or anyone else!) I'm just on extreme emotional overload.
Anyone have any coping suggestions? Not allowed to knit at work, I'll get fired. Can't run off and cry- makes too much of a big deal because everyone freaks out if I do that... can't leave without causing major problems...
but work has left me screwed more times than I can count-- maybe they should just deal for once????
Anyway- thanks for letting me get that out of my system.... and wow, this really did come out long...

Jan in CA
09-07-2007, 06:33 PM
I'm sorry you're under so much stress. Your mom may not understand how you are feeling now and doesn't realize that she's adding to the stress. Take a deep breath and go for a walk (no cell phones) or sit and knit. Do something YOU enjoy. :hug::hug::hug::hug:

Eloewien
09-07-2007, 06:54 PM
Just made it to dinner break at work- gonna go grab a chai latte (comfort "food")... it certainly won't hurt...

Carla1019
09-07-2007, 07:22 PM
:hug::grphug::hug:
sounds like you have the weight of the world on you shoulder. I second what Jan said.. Take a walk or just go set in the closet.....(That is what I do:teehee:)

auburnchick
09-07-2007, 07:26 PM
I think that your husband should come first. If your family doesn't understand, so be it. You live with your husband, not them.

Life is so full of stresses. We just need to realize that doing our best IS good enough...maybe not for others but for ourselves. Once we get to this point, we don't really need to fret. Make your decisions, stick with them, and let bygones be bygones. You sound like an intelligent woman who is quite capable of making decisions on her own. Don't let others make you feel bad for what you know is right.

I hope things get better soon.

:hug::hug:

Eloewien
09-07-2007, 07:50 PM
went to lunch... cried a bit, prayed a bit and called husband (was waiting for him to get home from work)... it helped a bit. I think I just had to let it go and get through it a bit, which writing really helped0. Thanks for listening :)

spasmo
09-07-2007, 07:52 PM
It does sound like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders. I hate that feeling. What I do when I'm feeling that way is visualize myself putting all my issues in a big helium balloon and then visualize me opening a window and pushing that balloon out into the atmosphere. I know this may sound cheesy but it does work for me. I need to add that sometimes I imagine myself taking a flame thrower to the balloon.

:heart:

I hope you get peace soon.

~best wishes~

mrslevite
09-07-2007, 07:52 PM
Big hugs to you! Do what you know is best for you and your husband. The rest of the family will have to understand. Take care.

PurlyGyrl
09-07-2007, 08:12 PM
:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug: Been there, done that and didn't get a tee-shirt :teehee: (yes, my bad attempt at humor!!!) Being pulled in too many directions by too many people s*cks! You have to do what you need to do for YOURSELF, your husband and your sanity! Somedays I have felt like punching someone or having a good cry in the office because too many people are asking too many things of me-but I didn't-my attorneys (I work in a law office) get totally freaked when someone cries and they really frown on my punching folks :mrgreen: (WELL, there was that one day I locked myself in the bathroom and had a good sob :waah:) Its ok to put yourself (and husband, too) first. The other things can fall in line behind. And any time you need to vent, vent away! Take care. :hug:

angel4ever
09-07-2007, 08:39 PM
:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:
I totally know where you are coming from. I am the "responsible, patient" one in the family. Everyone comes to me for everything. Sometimes the pressure is too much with dealing with my family, being a teacher, my husband's overnight hours...it can be too much sometimes. The moment I get a little angry or upset over the amount of stress I'm under, I'm made to feel guilty because I'm the patient one. I can't win. I just find some ways of dealing with the stress; long hot baths, knitting, yoga, walking, video games, reading.

I hope that you feel better soon. Take care of yourself.

Doodknitwit
09-07-2007, 09:00 PM
sending you hugs :hug: prayers for strength and peace with your decision.:heart:

figaro
09-07-2007, 09:32 PM
I am so sorry you are going through all this junk! :grphug:

I really hope it gets better for you sooner than later!

BinkyKat
09-07-2007, 09:37 PM
I totally feel for you El...I hope it gets better. I work in a call center too and have just been at this job for a year. My "classmates" have all paired off and I felt left out and sort of the geek this first year. A lot of them are 10 years younger and I'm not old, and like to have fun with the rest....but when you feel like the are the "cool" group and you're not...it makes it hard. Of course, this isn't about me...but people being immature and petty makes me mad too, if their britches are so big and they know what they're doing, you can only teach them what you can and they will have to fall off their faces...a tongue lashing from a customer hopefully will put them in their place.
Parents can be rough...your first priority is you and your husband...granted your gramma is very important, but you don't have the notice you need to safely drive and truly enjoy her visit. i bet she understands better than your mom does. your folks should have told you sooner. i don't think somebody just "drops in" from Nevada...
Comfort yourself, then hubby, skru the babies at work and be selfish...
I hope you will be better and happy soon! :hug::heart::hug::heart::hug::heart:

debinoz
09-07-2007, 10:05 PM
This is going to sound like, totally crazy..... but when I have too much stress and feel like I could cry or kill, I sing old commercial jingles in my head. They're always so lighthearted and upbeat. Corny, I know, but there's nothing like wishing you were an oscar mayer weiner to make you smile.

BinkyKat
09-07-2007, 10:16 PM
there's nothing like wishing you were an oscar mayer weiner to make you smile.
Now that's got to be the smartest thing I've heard in a long while! :roflhard:

jjminarcik
09-08-2007, 12:26 PM
El - :hug::hug::hug:
Just remember that your family is more important than your job! And I second what Auburnchick said: You live with your husband, not your family! Do what is best for you and him. And if you need to have a good cry, go for it. Hubby will understand.

cindycactus
09-08-2007, 01:14 PM
I am sorry you are under such stress. Husband comes first. What about your Mom driving gradma over to see you? She offered to come drive you there. That would be two trips. This way only one. Feel better.:grphug:

DQ
09-08-2007, 01:34 PM
BIG HUGS! :hug::hug::hug::hug:

letah75
09-09-2007, 01:29 AM
Hey! I'm logging on in the hotel, and i just saw your post!

:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:
:muah::muah::muah::muah::muah::muah::muah::muah::m uah:
:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

Hope it all gets better soon! I say, do what is best for you! Hug the hubby, pet the furbaby, tell mom "Love ya, but calm it down", and flip off the job every day as you drive up and as you leave. Hiss at your bosses in your head.....oh, OH, when you get the new job, fill a paper bag with fur baby poo, light it on fire and put it outside of the front door of your (now) job, then ring the doorbell and run!!!!!!

THAT will make you fell better.

Personally, when I feel like you sound like you feel, I put on Metallica Fade to Black CD and blast it until I'm not longer amped up, and the music doesn't sound as good to me. Basically, I metal it out. And I'm not really a Metallica kind of girl, not even a rock kind of girl.

Hope you feel better, hope you get the job, hope you get a break, hope your hubby is ok, and keeping you in my prayers!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jeremy
09-09-2007, 11:40 AM
Hope you are feeling better. I think you have to go with your instinct on this and be with your husband. You will feel better once you tell the rest of the family your decision. :hug::hug:

threesmom
09-09-2007, 04:11 PM
Oh Eloewein - :hug: to you! You sound like you're under such stress - I understand completely. I've been a raving b*tch the last few day, I'm stressed, depressed, and I can't even list that many good reasons, as you do. I agree with a few of the others here though - it sounds like the relationship you have with your husband is a beautiful one, and that's the one you should focus your energy on. The other stuff need only stress you out if you let it. I know, easier said than done. But if you can't change it, the only one who it hurts by your worrying it is you. It's always hard with parents - I've been caught several times between mine and dh or his parents, too - but hopefully they'll understand how much this is tearing you up. And if not, no amount of stress on your part will change it.

Keep doing those little things to keep your spirits up - and let us know how you are!

dustinac
09-09-2007, 04:35 PM
:hug:

Nobones
09-09-2007, 05:19 PM
Big, (but gentle no squeezing please!) hugs coming your way. You must do what feels right for you. Don't let anyone make you guilty for that.

clb1968
09-10-2007, 01:20 PM
Sending hugs your way.

Chel
09-10-2007, 02:55 PM
My advice/input would be this:

# 1-Don't ever hesitate to come to us and vent. We all have been in tough spots and we all can empathize. If nothing else, we can offer a shoulder and a sounding board.

# 2- BREATHE. Sometimes things start spinning faster and faster out of control and it gets even more difficult to make well though out decisions. Take a coffee break, muffin break, knit in the handicapped stall of the bathroom for a few minutes... (I fondle the malabrigo keychain I received during a swap)...whatever is going to be soothing to YOU.

# 3- I usually find that when I feel out of control emotionally like that its because what I want, what I need and what others want and need from me are not the same things. When you get a moment alone sit down and decide first what you need, and then what you want and then decide if any of the things others want/need from you is REASONABLE.

For example, you NEED sleep but you WANT to see your "grandma" Barbara. Thats completely understandable. But no matter how big your want is, your need overpowers it.

Your family's request to drive 4.5-5 hours without notice is UNREASONABLE.

I suffer from panic attacks, so I have been there. This is one of the ways I learned to cope. Break it down bit by bit and tacke it that way. Write it down, make notes...trust me-it makes life more managable especially when the proverbial *&#@ hits the fan.


(((((((HUGS)))))))

Eloewien
09-10-2007, 09:43 PM
Just figured I would update... managed to make it to see her... after sleeping in a bit. I just got there later than mom wanted- but as I'm sure you can guess, no one else cared.
Also got ahold of some Malabrigo that I've been cuddling since yesterday-- even had it next to me in the cupholder on the drive. Yummy yummy yarn is so snuggly and calming. *chuckle* I told my husband that it's better than therapy, xanax or ritalin- and cheaper in many cases!!!
Anyway- spent time with dad yesterday too-- he took me on my first ever motorcycle ride. That was soo relaxing and fun! Wow! It was just such a gorgeous afternoon. I made a comment that I wanted donuts but didn't feel like driving halfway across town to get them. Dad then took me around the edge of Richmond on back roads. Saw two fawns with their mom... several hawks, lots of farms... that helped too! My tailbone is a little sore, but I think I'll live :)
I'm tired, but smiling, so it's all good. I also have an appointment to check in about meds on Wednesday. I'll definitely make it two more days...

Oh yea- and I put in an application to adopt another furbaby! I was wandering on petfinder last night, because I want to find a companion for my current cat. The local foster group (http://radfordpoundpals.org (http://radfordpoundpals.org)) has a cat named sunshine that could be the twin of my Thomas except that Thomas is fluffier! (http://www.goodman-family.com/family/photos/v/thomas/general/HPIM0684.JPG.html)

Can't get to pictures from work- sorry-- just links...

PurlyGyrl
09-11-2007, 08:58 AM
:hug:So glad you had a good weekend and a relaxing time with your Dad (too bad about the sore bu**-- as*--ahem, rear end :roflhard:)