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View Full Version : have anyone here have decided not to have kids?


jennylozano
09-20-2007, 12:15 AM
Hey knitting fellows! I see many people here are parents. I myself has no kids and am in that age thirty something when I am thinking more and more about having or not children. I am getting worried because I have caught myself thinking too often and too much about that. Sometimes it seems like something I do not want to try, and sometimes like something I might want. Most of my friends have kids or are willing to have them in the near future. I wonder if there is anyone out there, especially, females who have decided that they do not want to bring children into this world. :sun: Thanks!

iza
09-20-2007, 12:35 AM
:waving: Hi Jenny! I can't say I'm totally decided, but for now, I'm more leaning towards not having kids. I don't think I'm really attracted to the "mommy" lifestyle (I have nothing against it, it's just not for me), I don't think I would be a good mother, and I have a syndrome that I would prefer not to give to an innocent human being.

However, I do think sometimes it would be nice to have a "family", but I think I'm projecting what I'm seeing around me as being the "right" thing to do. I'm 32, so I'll need to take a decision at some point. But the way my life goes, it's very unlikely I will have children.:shrug: I like children however, and I think I would prefer to give more time to my future nephews and nieces, and to volunteer in various causes involving children. So many children in this world are alone, poor, uneducated and hungry, I think I would be more useful to humanity by helping these children then by having "my own". But of course, that's my opinion! I'm always really happy when friends decide to have children, and I help them out when I can. :thumbsup:

jennylozano
09-20-2007, 01:21 AM
:)Hi Iza! It is very nice to meet you. Thanks for your reply. I think it is wonderful your willingness of helping less fortunate children. That is simply beautiful. I clicked in your "not so popular blog" haha and saw you are finishing your PhD. I am too! But I am now writing my dissertation proposal, so it will take me a bit longer. I hope you are done soon :thumbsup:
Maybe because I am realizing that within a relatively short time I will be done with my education, I am thinking so much about to have or not to have children. Sometimes, when I think I want to have a quiet, peaceful life, enjoy my professional achievements, be free to use my time and space the way I want, then I feel pretty much like I won't have a "family". And I like it. Just like you, I have never pictured my self as a mom. I do not feel maternal, but only with my 2 cats :inlove: And of couse some other times I start wondering what if... In any case, I like to see there are other women that are deciding not to be mothers. I feel identified and supported.
Hope to keep reading you around. I am new in these forums. Bon soir :hug:

jdee
09-20-2007, 02:16 AM
I am 39 years old, and I have no children. I've never wanted them. It's not that I don't like them, I just never wanted them. My friends used to say "oh, you'll change your mind...." but I never did. They've even implied that I'm a horrible, selfish person, but isn't it better to admit that you don't want them, than it is to have them, because it's some sort of unwritten rule, then wish you hadn't?

Nobones
09-20-2007, 04:23 AM
I'm 28 and will be having no children. Sent hubby off to have the snip earlier in the year so that's all sorted.

I guess though I'm lucky because it wasn't my choice to make, my health prevents it. I was sad about, but after posting a little rant on here everyone was so supportive I felt regret since.

Being put in this position has changed my prospective, a couple of my so-called friends dumped me just because I'll never be in their 'baby' club. Better off with out that.

There are options if you change your mind later in life, like adoption, so many children need homes it's something to consider later in life. Like My hubby says, we'll consider it when we're much older, wiser and richer!

Take your time making your choice.x

pseudonym
09-20-2007, 07:50 AM
Hi All,

I'm 45 and have no children.
I never wanted to get married and didn't want to be a single
parent.
I never even wanted to live with someone and all my friends
and family used to say I'd change my mind when I met the right man.
Just before my 40th I met that man but he didn't want children. He's in a wheelchair and was an only child so it wasn't a big deal for him.
All that IVF treatment (the only way we could conceive due to his condition) just didn't appeal.
I'm happy with my life and don't feel desperate that I'll never
be a mum.
Where would I have time with all my hobbies

Luvmyrottnboy
09-20-2007, 08:11 AM
I am 56 and got married when I was 31. Before we got married I made sure he was clear that I did NOT want children.

I am an only child of a man who walked out when I was 4 and a mother who just never should have been one. Consequently, I did not have the skills and luckily, I knew it.

Hubby #1 turned out to be an awful person and if I had to stay in contact after the divorce 'cause of kids I probably would have had a breakdown or two. This way he is well and truly gone:)

But I DO have my bee-yoo-ti-ful Rottie, Cyrus, and that works out perfectly for me! And him!

auburnchick
09-20-2007, 08:30 AM
Even though I am a mom, I wanted to tell you that I totally support the decisions of those who choose not to have children. You know what's best for you. Having children is not something you "try" out and can opt out of later (well, rather, you shouldn't opt out of later). I would never stop being friends with a person just because they didn't want to have a child either. Tsk, tsk.

Anyhow, that's just my $.02, for what it's worth.

:hug:

hellokitty165
09-20-2007, 08:30 AM
my dh and i decide not to have kids...reason been we are travelling alot but if happen to get pregnant will be happy to be parent... we just leave it to god...i know you will get all arrow in the family ...they will pressure u like why no kids... at least have one blah blah blah... say is easy than done... we are the one who will be taking care of them... some even thought that i cannot conceive...but they never get to me ...cos it my and my DH's happiness not theirs .... not their decisions to make... they can think whatever they want... i just put them away when they bugged me too much... my mom even ask me to adopt..i told her "are u out of your mind"...i can give birth why adopt...it not that my machine is not functioning ...she just don't get it ...but now she did not bug me anymore...she respect our decision...

people should respect others' decision not having kids... just like we tolerate their babies crying in the store/restaurant/airplane...it all living together harmony on earth... u know in your heart what works for u ...kids or no kids... above is my own opinion... i do not mean to hurt anybody at all...thanks

Lindsey H
09-20-2007, 08:32 AM
Hi Ladies,
I have 2 beautiful boys whom I love dearly and I don't know what I would do without them. They fill up my life in such wonderful ways. That being said, being a mommy is sometimes exhausting and frustrating. If you do not want children, you shouldn't have them. You would be miserable and so would your children.
I have read of a group of couples in my local area who are childless by choice. Maybe there is something like that in your area.

PurlyGyrl
09-20-2007, 09:04 AM
Well, time (my age) and circumstances (my body) conspired against me. When I was younger, I thought I'd like to have children--I'm talking 20s here--but as I got older and got to know myself better, I realized I would not be a good parent. Don't get me wrong--I love children--I have a niece and a nephew whom I love dearly--but I just don't feel like I have the patience, skills or understanding to raise a child. That was VERY hard for me to accept for awhile--admitting one's faults and weaknesses can be--but its for the best. So I just love my niece and nephew to pieces and am satisfied with that and knowing that THEY are great kids!

Doublereeder2
09-20-2007, 09:20 AM
I never wanted children. It was not that I had a bad childhood or came from a broken home, I just didn't want them. Nor did (or does) my husband.

We both teach, so it is not that we don't like kids. I enjoy being around children - for short periods - like a 1/2 hour music lesson :note:

Now my brother and his wife have 6 adopted children, so I kid him that he got my maternal instincts as well as his own paternal ones.

RachelJean
09-20-2007, 09:36 AM
Even though I am a mom, I wanted to tell you that I totally support the decisions of those who choose not to have children. You know what's best for you. Having children is not something you "try" out and can opt out of later (well, rather, you shouldn't opt out of later). I would never stop being friends with a person just because they didn't want to have a child either. Tsk, tsk.

Anyhow, that's just my $.02, for what it's worth.

:hug:

I agree 100%!! :hug:

beckyrhae
09-20-2007, 10:16 AM
I decided I didn't want kids too... right after mine became a teenager! LOL. Just kidding! I love my daughter, she is so much a part of me and that makes me very happy, BUT I'm a firm believer that just because you are a woman doesn't mean you should be a mom. There are plenty of so called moms out there that should have never become so. I'm also not saying that not becoming a mom means you would suck at it. :) Do what makes you happy.

msmelody
09-20-2007, 10:31 AM
Since children cannot be returned like shoes, do not have them unless you truly want them. I have two, and would not be "me" without them. I would probably be saner, thinner, richer, and employed:roflhard: if I had not had them, but I would not be happier. Having or not having children is very personal, and be selfish and do what is best for you. If your friends and family do not like it too BAD.

stitchwitch
09-20-2007, 10:32 AM
I'm 40, been married 15 years and am childless by choice. I never liked kids (there I said it :teehee: ), don't like other people's kids, never played with dolls, and have never really thought much about not having kids. Oh sure, I've had the thoughts about who will take care of me when I'm in the nursing home but there's no guarantee a kid would be there and that's no reason to have a kid anyway. I'm happy, my husband is happy and we'll let the rest of the world have the fun of raising children. :clink:

feministmama
09-20-2007, 11:29 AM
I think for some folks, they just don't like the idea of babies. All that crying and poo. So they choose to adopt an older child. There's so many kids out there that need someone and I think it is a really noble thing to adopt an older child. But hey even older kids are not for everyone. And that's the thing about a woman;s right to choose. She has the right to choose what is best for her. And if folks can't deal with her choice then it's thier problem not the woman. So I aplaud you for making a well informed choice. :muah:

newamy
09-20-2007, 12:27 PM
My answer is a bit different. No and Yes. I have two kids. I wanted the experience of having a baby and being a mom. But it's really good that I managed to just get pregnant because neither my husband and I were too excited about planning to make a baby. I still don't get how one would want to plan to get pregnant. Anyway the pregnancy went well and my son was born. Unfortunately he has complex health issues and in many ways he is still a difficult though wonderful child. When he was 2 I was exhausted and felt I was still recovering from the birth. We changed our whole lifestyle with a move and job changes when he was 3. We did not want to have any more children in that I did not want to be pregant and exhausted like that ever again. And we were concerned about the potential for another child having health issues.- I wasn't getting any younger. And we really didn't see any need to further populate the earth. And besides, if we were going to go to all that trouble I wanted a girl. So, our daughter is adopted. We did have to plan that and even that was a bit scary. However, I was never overly exhuasted with her. She is healthy and still way easier than my son who is 12, she is 7. At any given time there at least 1 million children in the world who's birth parents have relinquished their rights and are waiting for adoption. 500,000 in the US.

My brother and his wife waited 10 years to have kids, at first my sis-in-law particularly didn't want them. But lots of their friends had kids and I guess she changed her mind. My brother is 5 years older than me but his wife is my age. So she was about 34 when they had their first. Frankly they are not the best of parents, they do what needs to be done but are not really good about one on one quiet time and finding enriching activities. They both work full time and try to juggle the kids around all that. My kids are not always perfect but theirs behave terribly at times and it is quite clear they don't mean to be bad, it's a bid for attention or simply not knowing better. So based on that, unless you really change your mind for your own good solid personal reasons don't have kids. And especially don't if your reason is because everyone else is.

KnittingNat
09-20-2007, 01:01 PM
I'm 26 and still don't have kids, but i definitely see myself having at least two (I still remember how i wanted my parents to make me a sister - glad they listened to me). I do accept the fact that there are many people that don't want children and i think it's their right to decide on that and i'm glad that many couples do a lot of thinking. I respect the will and the choice not to have kids:thumbsup:
Me and hubby talk a lot about it and sometimes i come up and wonder why have children - they mess with your body, take away your free time and empty your wallet, but then i know that I'm a very maternal person (though i hate, really hate most of other people's kids) and if i won't have a kid (mine or adopted), i'll regret it for the rest of my life. I do hope that after having a kid i will still have my perspectives and don't think my child is the center of everybody else's universe. I also think that many couples that decide to be childless by choice could have been great parents, just because they THINK. A little story to end this post - I knew a woman once who's husband was petrified about having kids, having a bad childhood and a bad father. He refused to use protection and monitored his wife's periods, to be sure he's safe. Well, life is funny, and after about 10 years she got pregnant. And guess what - he was a really good dad after all.

debinoz
09-20-2007, 01:29 PM
I love babies. I love toddlers. I love grade school kids. And now that my kids are teen agers... I'd love to throw myself off a cliff!

KnittingNat
09-20-2007, 01:35 PM
I love babies. I love toddlers. I love grade school kids. And now that my kids are teen agers... I'd love to throw myself off a cliff!
:roflhard::roflhard::roflhard:
I still remember being one :teehee:

Jan in CA
09-20-2007, 01:36 PM
I love babies. I love toddlers. I love grade school kids. And now that my kids are teen agers... I'd love to throw myself off a cliff!

:chair:

:psst: It gets better, my girls and I are good friends now.;)

stitchwitch
09-20-2007, 01:49 PM
I think the most offensive term used to describe childless by choice couples is "selfish". I cringe when I hear that.

jodstr2
09-20-2007, 02:11 PM
I am 36.5 yrs old and am undecided. I'm raising a stepson who is now 14. our choice to not have another is mainly (like 95%) financial. there's no way we as a family can stay afloat if I quit my job to stay home, nor do we have an extra $1500/mo for daycare.
I applaud and give many props to those who choose not to have children.
I also applaud and give props to those who have children, make the children a priority, and try their best to be good parents and role models.

jodstr2
09-20-2007, 02:17 PM
I think the most offensive term used to describe childless by choice couples is "selfish". I cringe when I hear that.

right on. agreed. :thumbsup:

I've been called selfish. her exact words were, "oh, don't be selfish. you will ALWAYS find some money if you try hard enough." my response was, "until you pay for daycare, diapers, formula, food, and clothing for my baby, you have no f**king right to judge me."

Riss
09-20-2007, 02:29 PM
I'm 23, and have known for a very long time that I don't want kids of my own. I was an only child for 10 years, and then my brother came along. He was the best birth control i've never known. Still is too! He'll be 13 in December. My best friend has 3 kids, 8,6 and 2. When the littlest was 6 months, we started hanging out a lot, so now she calls me Auntie. It's the best. But, I know that if I feel the need to be mothering, I can borrow her kids whenever I need to. She loves the breaks!

But as to my own future, I would rather adopt than bring another child into this world. There are so many wonderful children already out there that need good stable homes with loving parents. I would rather take in a whole slew of foster kids, and know that I've made a bit of difference in their lives. :)

GinnyG
09-20-2007, 02:30 PM
I don't think anyone should EVER have a child because it's the "thing to do". Who ever decided it was the end all be all ANYWAY?????

Good for you for knowing what you want and doing it (or not doing it as the case may be). I love my children dearly but now that they are grown and on their own I love my freedom dearly.

jeanius80
09-20-2007, 02:42 PM
my best friend is a wonderful fun person who doesn't want kids. She loves her fiance's grandkids (he is 25 yrs older) and my dd. when i was having fertility issues and i was in the midst of getting tested and poked and examined, she said if i needed it, she would carry a baby for me. (:heart: her) I think it's wonderful she recognizes she doesn't have the patience to raise a child, nor the desire to. I think it's selfish for someone to have a kid, KNOWING they are impatient or selfish. She is the most generous person i know. I wish more people were that aware of themselves.

stitchwitch
09-20-2007, 02:56 PM
Here's what type of thing frosts me. My neighbors are in their late 20's early thirties. She's a teacher, he works for the welfare dept. Both have stated in the three years we've known them that they hate kids, don't want kids, etc. Now, she's about 7 months pregnant (I'm guessing because she's been hiding inside and hasn't spoken to anyone about it). She hides in the house because she's embarrassed she's pregnant after she told everyone they would never have kids. He's as cheap as they come, won't let her buy curtains for their front window and they have very little furniture because he doesn't see a need for it. They share a soda when they go out to dinner because they can get free refills and just buy one. Now they are having a kid which was an obvious mistake.
Not all that choose not to have kids are selfish. Some that choose to have kids are.

jennylozano
09-20-2007, 06:50 PM
Thank you all for your posts:muah: I REALLY enjoyed reading all of them. I really felt supported and like I am not alone liking the idea of not having children. My man is much older than I am and he had 4 children who are all grown ups now with their own lives and kids of their own too. So, it is not like he doen't know what is to be a father. But, he is one of those who uses to say that I will love it when I have a kid. I have talked to him and he understands my reasons to be inclined not to be a mother. But still takes any opportunity to insert a comment here and there.
Some of your posts in fact made me realize that I don't like most of my friends' kids either :roflhard: Hhahaha I mean... I don't even feel like saying "awww she/he is so cute". I don't say it because I know I would be faking something I don't really feel. I know what you mean when you say some parents think their kids are everyone else's center of the universe. I have a "friend" who thinks her 2.5 years old daughter is the best girl ever born. That same "friend" has said that she know I will end my days old and lonely. Well, we'll all be old. And I am a natural loner. :teehee: As someone mentioned in a post, having children doesn't garantee that they will take care of you when you are old or that they will be with you when you are sick. I know many cases where the old parents only have each other. And the children? Taking care of themselves or their own businness.
I really feel maternal when I see a kitty lost in the street. I just want to hold him/her and make him/her feel better. I don't take him/her home because my 2 cats are not that willing of sharing me :chair:
Anyway, while I am still undecided I really enjoy reading your experiences as childless human beings because I feel empathy. And those who have children, thank you for your support too. :grphug: Thanks so much for sharing with me.

jdee
09-20-2007, 07:20 PM
I really feel maternal when I see a kitty lost in the street. I just want to hold him/her and make him/her feel better.

:roflhard:That is me! In fact, I've often asked my husband if I'm wierd because I don't have the 'mother' instinct that most women seem to have. He tells me that I do have that instinct, only it's for lost cats. I think he's right, because I'd fight someone to the death if they tried to hurt one of my cats.

BTW. Thanks for starting this thread. It's helped me to see that I'm not the only one who, by choice, doesn't have children.

jennylozano
09-20-2007, 07:47 PM
cloud9 hi jdee! You're very welcome. I HAD to start this thread :) I needed some support!:grphug:
It can be crazy for some people the way we feel about cats, but that is just the way we feel. I would defend my kitties the same way you would against anyone or anything!

Itsabtme
09-20-2007, 08:31 PM
I am 39 and was never blessed with children. I have always wanted them badly. I've been through an endless number of infertility tests only to find out that the issue is not mine. It was sad when we came to the realization that we would never have children as I have always thought that I would make a wonderful mother, unfortunately I am destined to be a mother to my 42 year old dh who refuses to grow up and a 14 year old cat that I am terribly allergic.

Knitting_Guy
09-20-2007, 08:35 PM
Kids? I had no idea goats would be such a popular topic here. :out:

zazzu
09-20-2007, 09:24 PM
Kids? I had no idea goats would be such a popular topic here.

I took some Tylenol PM about 90 minutes ago and had to read that sentence FOUR times before I got it. Oy! Moving on...

I've known I would never have children since I was 13 years old. I just knew. I met my DH when I was 19 and plainly told him, "Don't get serious about me if you want children because I WILL NOT be having any." We've been married over 18 years and have never regretted being child-free.

That said, I love it when friends and acquaintances get knocked-up so I can make baby blankets and bibs and stuff. :mrgreen:

Knitting_Guy
09-20-2007, 09:27 PM
I took some Tylenol PM about 90 minutes ago and had to read that sentence FOUR times before I got it. Oy! Moving on...

:roflhard: That's the best chuckle I've had all day.

Prazzie
09-20-2007, 09:47 PM
What an interesting topic.

I don't have children and never wanted any. I was a complete tomboy as a child, I played with boys, climbed trees, traded marbles and refused to wear dresses. I have never dreamt about "my perfect wedding", because I don't want to get married. I'm the anti-girly-girl. I did have a maternal instinct back in 1989, when a friend started making really ugly but squishy dolls. Hugging the doll, I did feel a warm, loving feeling, but that passed quickly.

Here's the thing, though. You know when you're busy reading a newspaper or magazine and your cat comes out of nowhere and flops down right on the spot where you were reading? When you don't want a cat, they're suddenly all over you. Kids are like that with me. They somehow sense that I don't like them, so they love me. I once met someone's kid, and within two minutes he brought me his Spiderman suit so I could undress him and put the suit on for him. Me! Complete stranger, faced with nude little boy and having to wedge pudgy toddler legs into lycra. Utterly bizarre.

Just yesterday I went to lunch at a little Indian restaurant. There was a toddler who simply latched onto me. He started handing me tubes of incense from the adjacent shop. I appreciated that he listened to my instructions, when I held the box against his nose and told him to "smell", he did. Well trained little chap. Luckily his minder removed him after he had handed me nearly all the incense tubes in the box (I put them back after making appreciative noises like "hmm, very nice, hmm, lavender").

This kind of thing happens to me all the time. On a little side note, are you ever handed a baby and even though you know how to hold one, cradling the neck and so on, it just doesn't feel right? I think I must look like the most uncomfortable baby-handler ever. And what do you do once you have it? I sit around with it until it starts gurgling or making those pre-crying noises, then I hand it back in a hurry. :shrug:

My boyfriend and I are now in our fifth year together. He's ambivalent about having children. (Hehe, checked the spelling of that on dictionary.com and the example on there is: "was ambivalent about having children") He is very focused on his career right now, but he did say that we will be financially ready for kids in about four years.

When I bring up the subject, about twice a year, he suggests looking after someone else's child for a bit. I always point out that I don't like other people's kids. It's not that I want to hold or smell a baby, I just want to be good at one more thing - parenting. I see children in stores being scolded for crunching up their cheese curls (puffy crisps) instead of eating them and I totally identify with the child. The texture of the food, the sound it makes when it crumbles, I'd love to sit my kid down with buckets filled with different substances and just play. But once again I'm not thinking about the kid at all, I'm thinking "ooh, I'll be such an awesome mommy!"

All my friends are popping kids out left and right. The kidlets appear to be accidents, they're getting married after the fact and some are divorced after as little as two years together. I did complain to my boyfriend about all the babies and he pointed out that intelligent and highly educated people only start having children in their early 30's (I'm in my mid-20's, he's almost 30). I feel better now.

I can live without children, but I am curious as to what my boyfriend and I could conjure up together. I admit I'm thinking along the lines of this guy:
http://www.comics.com/comics/fminus/archive/images/fminus2007091357908.gif

I'd like to have a little one to pass my skills and knowledge on to. My boyfriend has ADHD, as does his brother. I am worried that our baby will have that too, but I guess IF we have kids and they are hyperactive with low attention spans, I'll just not take them to the supermarket.

My mother is pressing me for a grandchild, she says I must have one and just drop it off at her house, she'll raise it. I've been telling her all along that I don't want children and she is well aware and prepared if that were to happen (or not happen, as it were).

Also, we're currently living in South Africa and the school system here is completely rotten. I couldn't send my kids to any of the schools here.

So right now I'm a "maybe" - I don't want to rule out the possibility. There is a photographer on flickr whose photo's I love. He travels a lot and takes his enchanting little girl with him often. When I look at his precious moments, captured so tenderly, I do think "Hey, I want some of that". But do I want the kid, or the pretty photographs? Or someone tiny to knit for? :-P

I recently read an article about how people tend to overshare with strangers. I know I'm guilty of that now, but you're all so nice and I certainly can't discuss this with my friends, while they're holding babies. I know this is a lengthy post, but I'm going to say yours are too short, mine's just right. :clink:

Here's the link to one of my favourite pictures (http://www.flickr.com/photos/phitar/99323055/) from that photographer, of his girl, Isoline, at bedtime.

jennylozano
09-20-2007, 09:51 PM
Kids? I had no idea goats would be such a popular topic here
Originally Posted by zazzu
I took some Tylenol PM about 90 minutes ago and had to read that sentence FOUR times before I got it. Oy! Moving on...

:roflhard: That's the best chuckle I've had all day.

well... I still don't get it :??:shrug:

pseudonym
09-20-2007, 09:52 PM
Kids? I had no idea goats would be such a popular topic here. :out:
shouldn't that be unpopular seeing how it's about not having any:wink:

Prazzie
09-20-2007, 09:56 PM
Oooh, my post is really very long, and I didn't even add my rant about "you are selfish for not having children". How'd that happen, when all I wanted to say was "hey, don't want 'em either, you're not alone"?

pseudonym
09-20-2007, 10:13 PM
All my life people have told me I'm wierd because I didn't want to get married and
have kids or because I'm happy to go travelling alone.
I absolutely detested dolls. It's good to know there are like minded people out there
who don't feel a need to have children because other people think you should.
I'd love a dog though.

dagny
09-20-2007, 11:36 PM
I did complain to my boyfriend about all the babies and he pointed out that intelligent and highly educated people only start having children in their early 30's (I'm in my mid-20's, he's almost 30). I feel better now.

Guess we're dumber than we thought then with a new babe at 27 and 26! :out:


http://www.comics.com/comics/fminus/archive/images/fminus2007091357908.gif


:roflhard:

syndactylus
09-21-2007, 12:06 AM
We've been thinking recently we might someday want to adopt girls from China, but as things are changing, and I might be considered an unacceptable mother by that government, and we haven't even decided we want to be married yet, it's all very hypothetical...

But I've never wanted my own (I'm adopted and have always been in favor of that for other reasons too), and now it's pretty much settled it wouldn't be a good idea if I did. So that's that about that. :teehee:

Prazzie
09-21-2007, 01:15 PM
Guess we're dumber than we thought then with a new babe at 27 and 26!


:) Naturally I thought younger parents might take offense, but it's true statistically speaking. That'd be the "rich getting richer and the poor having children" coming into effect. You must be an anomaly - you're on KH and therefore clearly a genius :mrgreen:

zebstriped
09-21-2007, 02:32 PM
As I near my 38th birthday, I sometimes regret that I didn't have kids. I put off children while I attended night school for 8 years, then once I got the degree, my free time was more important. Children are wonderful, but my friends with kids often envy my lifestyle, being able to be spontaneous and not having soccer fill up our entire schedules. I'm sure that the regrets will always be there, but the fun life I've been leading has been amazing!

Don't let anyone tell you having kids or not having kids is what you should do. It's your life!:thumbsup:

BTW, there's my "kids" in my avatar!

silvia castillo
09-21-2007, 03:43 PM
I usually go with this for almost all of my decisions in life:

"When in doubt, don't"

I think you still have plenty of time ahead to think this over and make decisions. In the meantime just be happy and accomplish all your personal goals, travels, friends, etc etc;)

Mulderknitter
09-21-2007, 06:07 PM
ah, this is such a touchy personal topic for me. I played with dolls, dressed up my cat, loved barbie, but never thought of them as my kids. they were just toys.
I am 30 yrs old, happily married, 2 cats that are way more overwhelming than I need, so our decision to not have kids seems like a good one:roflhard:
Seriously though, this used to irk me a lot. I have never wanted kids. Ever. The women I used to work with would ALWAYS tell me that I would change my mind. It got to the point where I told one woman that if she ended up pregnant I would say the same to her. Mean I know, but I think it's mean to put your assumptions on other people.
My stepfather used to say the same thing. One day he said "what if you have an accident" I was so sick of the subject I told him I would not give birth to an accident.
I am an only child whose parents adopted when I was 20, so I have a 10 yr old brother who is the joy of my life. I have nothing against kids, nothing against parents, I don't even feel snarky towards parents that have to leave work for kid stuff. I DO however, have a problem with people trying to tell me what I will or should be doing. I don't run around to all of my coworkers tellign them that they SHOULDN'T have had children.

angel4ever
09-21-2007, 08:46 PM
I'm 32 years old and have been married 8 years. My hubby and I do not have any children because I am unable to conceive. Sometimes it makes me angry that people assume that I am trying to prevent becoming pregnant. They don't realize the comments like "What are you waiting for?" or "Hurry up, you're not getting any younger" can be really hurtful. Why do I have to be defined by my ability/choice to have a child? I can be so many more things than just a mother. Why does marriage automatically mean having tons of children before you can get a chance to know your spouse. Children change everything for the better and the worse..
But I do want to admit that my husband and I really okay with the fact that unless we adopt we will not have any children. We both enjoy the somewhat spontaneous lifestyle we have and having children will definitely change what we are used to.
Make your choice based on what you are comfortable with, not with what society dictates what they think you should be.

Besides, I am a pre-k teacher. Technically I "have 15 children", lol :)

auburnchick
09-21-2007, 10:26 PM
This has been such an interesting thread. I think what it boils down to is that people are plain old nosey and judgmental. We (yes, I've got to include myself in this) often make assumptions about people when we really shouldn't. No one should ever feel like they need to explain their choices when they might not be making the choice (such as infertility) of their own volition. I know that I will remember this thread and try to watch what I say from now on. I would be terribly upset if I found out I accidentally hurt someone because of careless comments, even though I would never mean to do so.

Thanks for really making me aware!

:hug:

mullerslanefarm
09-21-2007, 10:43 PM
I love babies. I love toddlers. I love grade school kids. And now that my kids are teen agers... I'd love to throw myself off a cliff!

I could so relate a couple years ago!!

I had my first (daughter) in 1987, second (son) in 1988 and 3rd (spare) in 1992.

We have 5 children between us. 1 is his, 3 our mine and 1 is a foster son we just got legal guardianship of August 2, 2007 ....
.
.
.
.
WHAT!!! Only 3 years & 4 months to go until the youngest turned 18!! What are we thinking?!?!?!?! We don't even like children!!!

It had to be a God thing. Our foster son is a total combination of all 4 of our children and keeps us on our toes but he's much easier since we've gone through it before.

Those of you who recognize you don't want to be parents, I :yay: you on one hand, and feel a bit sorry for you on the other.

I never really wanted children of my own. I love kids ... as long as they go home at night. But my children have opened a whole new world for me that nothing else could duplicate.

Now that I have a few over the age of 19, the joys are just bigger and better and totally make up for the terrible twos & threes (which weren't so bad) and the teenage years (where the female/male-carbon-based-life-froms-with-attitude kidnapped my children),

eta:

One of my best friends was an only child. She has 10 children born to her, one adopted and 3 waiting in the wings. Every single one of her children are loved and cared for deeply. They may not have material things, but they do have something deeper. I love it when they come visit us on the farm (and I love it when they go home too!)

Huzzah for all of us!

mullerslanefarm
09-21-2007, 10:56 PM
What an interesting topic.

I don't have children and never wanted any. I was a complete tomboy as a child, I played with boys, climbed trees, traded marbles and refused to wear dresses. I have never dreamt about "my perfect wedding", because I don't want to get married. I'm the anti-girly-girl. I know this is a lengthy post, but I'm going to say yours are too short, mine's just right.

This is where I was over 20 years ago ... did I mention I have 5 children in my life now??

No more!!! (until the grandkids, which I will gladly wait a good 10 years + for!! As long as they go hom at night!!!)

knitwit88
09-22-2007, 10:30 AM
I'm not having kids any time soon... Im 12 :-D

Rorshach
09-22-2007, 02:42 PM
Well as a father of one, I don't regret ever having him. but making the decision to have kids, as a lot of people have said, well it's a very personal choice. After seeing what happened to me a few years ago, I don't know if I'll ever decide to have more. I may adopt, but considering that my state's wealth and helfare system needs to learn to pull their head out of their collective butt, I don't think I'll be having my wife bear any more.

As for your decision not to have them, Good for you, I don't see it as selfish, better not to have them, than to put them through hell because you didn't want them in the first place.

jodstr2
09-22-2007, 03:07 PM
I love babies. I love toddlers. I love grade school kids. And now that my kids are teen agers... I'd love to throw myself off a cliff!

:roflhard:

karne
09-23-2007, 03:05 PM
i think it's a wonderful thing to make a conscious decision about whether or not you want to have children. Many women just seem to have them willy nilly - and are neither prepared or seem to want to get prepared to be mommies.

I have 3 children - didn't plan a one of them! But my parents raised me to be smart enough to realize - I had to get prepared. So I grew up and did the mom thing. I love my children, please don't misundersatnd - but I think if I had made a decision, I would have decided not to. Or at least waited until I was much older. I was 19 when I got pregnant.

I have to say tho, that now my kids are all grown and the grandbabies are coming along... THAT is the MOST wonderful thing. I love my grandbabies to pieces and it's a completely different kind of love.

I see some Mom's who just seem to be natural mothers. They thrive on planning parties and doing all kinds of creative things with their kids, and taking them here and there and smiling with joy as they teach them to cook. That just wasn't me. I couldn't stand doing the PTA thing and volunteering to be room mother and driving on field trips. I never wanted to do those things and did the little I could get by with. I don't know if my kids resent that or not.

I know one of my children recognizes that I wasn't the best mom in the world and sometimes she holds that against me which is hard to deal with. she's 27 now, it might be time to get over it. I enjoy her much more now (when she's not on a rant about my poor mothering skills) than when she was a child.

Well, I"m just kind of rambling here :) but don't let anyone make you feel badly for your decision.

As an aside, regarding so many babies being born to women unable to care for them, I do not believe in abortion, but I believe stongly in adoption. My daughter (mentioned above) was unable to have children and finally adopted a baby boy. He is just the joy of our lives, and I can't imagine life without him. I love him just as much as the other grandbabies, there is no difference because he's adopted. He'll be 3 soon and I am so thankful for him.

He's quite a story in himself, because his birth mother was scheduled for an abortion, and the day before that appt she met with my daughter and her husband and agreed to give the baby to them. And when we see him now and watch him playing and see how incredible he was, the fact that he may never have seen life is difficult. So we just give thanks and give him a hug :)

Ok, now I'll quit rambling, really! :)

jennylozano
09-23-2007, 07:31 PM
I know one of my children recognizes that I wasn't the best mom in the world and sometimes she holds that against me which is hard to deal with. she's 27 now, it might be time to get over it. I enjoy her much more now (when she's not on a rant about my poor mothering skills) than when she was a child.

Hi Karne:) You know I myself had a few years when I had the same attitude towards my mom. It lasted a while but within time I realized it is not just fair to judge my mom for what she did or did not do. I learned to appreciate the fact she is my mom and we love each other very much being as different as we are. Perhaps within time, your 27 year-old daughter will stop holding things against you. At some time in our lives people just overcome the "less-than-perfect" parents we had. Thanks a lot for your post. I really liked it cloud9

vaknitter
09-23-2007, 08:28 PM
I've really enjoyed reading this thread - originally I wasn't going to respond b/c I do have maternal instincts and I do want children. Not that thrilled by the idea of being pregnant and here's hoping everyones wrong and I don't have triplets !!

I don't think having children is something to enter into lightly and if you do not feel maternal then there is nothing wrong with NOT having children. I applaud you for not being pressured into it childbirth to suit someone else.

I work with children and everyday I hear parents say - I don't really like kids, my husband wanted them, or my personal favorite - they were a mistake or an accident. No child is a mistake or an accident. They are all gifts and if you don't have the desire to spend a lifetime raising a child then by all means head to the SPCA and find a kitty or a puppy that is in need of all the love you can give it.

Again - I applaud all of you who choose to be mothers and all those who choose not to be mothers.

willowangel
09-24-2007, 04:07 PM
I guess my answer's slightly complex. I wish I was happy to remain childless, as I often feel selfish for wanting to bring a child into this messed-up world. From a political, economic and societal point of view, I can't see things getting better. I still hope they will, but I can't see it happening. And in my children's lifetime, it will just get worse. So what would I be condemning a child to just by having them? And that's without the health problems I could pass on to them.

Two and a bit years ago I was almost convinced I didn't want children, and then I found out I was pregnant. Suddenly, the life that I feared (house, kids, car, grind, grind, grind) was all I wanted in the whole world. I desperately wanted the baby, but it didn't work out that way, and I had to make the awful decision to let him go because of health problems due to medication I was on while I didn't know I was pregnant. I found, in the end, that my desire not to feel guilty about a termination was not a good enough reason to condemn this poor child to a short life of terrible pain and suffering. It was a terrible time, and I grieved for months afterwards. I still do.

But I realised that I do want children, more than anything. Maybe it's a hormonal response, I don't know. But I do want them. And I wish I didn't. I have various health problems and will find it hard to be a parent, and I remember thinking the night I found out about the baby, 'I will never relax again'. But I know I could be a good mother, and I want to be, despite my logical reasons not to.

So, I think the question of 'selfishness' is completely irrelevant. I could be said to be selfish because I do want children, despite what could happen to them. I often think I am. To decide that you don't want to have children is much less selfish, in my mind - the world has enough kids who aren't loved, with parents who don't care, without adding to the problem. Far, far better to acknowledge your own path and not have a child who would feel incomplete just because you think you should. My hope, what keeps me sane when I think, 'why should I bring a child into this world?', is the simple answer, 'to make it better'. I hope I can do that, but I admire those who make a conscious choice about parenthood, whatever way it goes.

Mommy22alyns
09-24-2007, 05:32 PM
Though my avatar gives me away as a "breeder," I have to show agreement with what some previous posters have said: At least you know you don't want children and can make that decision consciously and intelligently. A whole lot better than having them for no particular reason and then finding out you don't care for them much!

It really upsets me that some people think that their way of life is the only right way. How condescending to assume that everyone wants to be married, have kids, etc.etc.etc.

Anyway... :grphug:

By the way, I didn't really want kids for a long time and I didn't ever obsess about "the perfect wedding," blah blah blah. I didn't even when I got married - I got cold sweats and passed it off to my now-DH! :teehee: I'm one of those women who doesn't "get" the wedding obsession.

Anyway, I did realize that I wanted children very much, and I'm very happy with my 2 girls. I seem to be lacking a few "mommy" genes though... not really looking forward to PTA and room mothering or whatever. My mom never did those things, and it made me kind of sad - so I'm probably going to grit my teeth and do it for my daughters. :wink:

Enough talk from me!

msoebel
09-25-2007, 12:13 PM
Frankly, I don't think it's anyone's business. If we were all the exact same person, with the exact same beliefs, we looked alike, walked alike and talked alike...

Okay, then yes, one decision would be the best decision for everyone. But we are all so different. Why do we act like there is only ONE path for life? Graduate from high school. Go to college. Get married. Have 2.5 kids. Raise said kids. Send them to college.

It's stupid and idiotic to assume that the choices I have made for my life are going to be as successful in your life. I LOVE my life. But you might feel differently in my shoes.

In the end, figure out what will work best in your life and do it. Don't worry about what other people think about it.

Misty

ekgheiy
09-25-2007, 01:16 PM
right on. agreed. :thumbsup: Yes, this "selfish" claim burns my nerves too. The thing that I don't understand is ... "Why exactly is not having children selfish?" The person who made the claim could come with no better explanation than, "Cuz it's selfish." That asinine logic put me in auto-dismiss mode for his so-called argument.

I don't want children for several reasons:
I don't like them at all; in fact, they make me cringe.
I have no maternal instinct.
The very idea of being pregnant disgusts me.:ick:
I don't have the patience.
The sound of a crying baby pretty much makes me extremely hostile and unhappy. :grrr:
I see no logical reason why I should have any.
I don't have to.
You can't return them, with or without a receipt. ;)
The world is over populated as is.
I don't think that bringing a child in this world is a "gift"; the world is generally pretty f**ked up. :pout:I've been settled on my decision to not have any children since, well ... forever because I never wanted any. As other people have already reported, I too have been told, "You will change your mind as you get older." (blah blah blah) But my aversion to children has only gotten stronger as I've grown older. You never know what tomorrow or next year or the year after that will bring; but, for now, the idea of motherhood does not appeal to me.

Many have already said it, but if you decide to have to children, please please please don't let "everyone else is doing it" or "my family says I should" or any other third party pressures be the reason. Also, "because I want to" really isn't a solid answer either (IMVHO); after all, I'm sure many people (myself included) want a lot of things that we know in our hearts we should not have for whatever reason. Sometimes it's hard to distinguish. So if you find you "want" children, it might be best to really consider the exact "why" - again, IMVHO. ;)

When all is said and done, I think Misty (Msoebel) said it best:
In the end, figure out what will work best in your life and do it. Don't worry about what other people think about it.

Chel
09-25-2007, 01:19 PM
I feel like I am walking a tightrope on this subject.

On one hand, I want children. At least one. Desperately. I have had dreams about having them. Actually thats where the names for my children come from-dreams. I long to knit for a little one, change diapers, wake up for 3 am feedings. Really, when I was a child growing up, I never wanted a career. I wanted to be a mom.

Now I am 32 (33 next month) and it hasn't happened. I'm not married, not dating anyone. Working 2 jobs by necessity, not choice and living with my disabled mom to care for her. At this point, it is unrealistic to think that some guy is going to march out of the woodwork and snatch me up. Particularly when snatching me up automatically includes my mother.

In addition, fertility issues run in our family and I have never been "regular" so that presents a problem, too. Not that I would decide to have a child on my own. I believe a child needs both parents.

I am at a point where I am trying to come to terms with (and accept with dignity and grace) the fact that I am going to be single and childless. I know many people choose this path and I think that its wonderful to know what you want in life.

I would have made a wonderful wife and mother, but I have to settle for being a good daughter. In the end, I feel it will be a good enough standard for everyone involved except me.

jeanius80
09-25-2007, 02:05 PM
:hug: chel :heart:

auburnchick
09-26-2007, 05:09 PM
You know, Chel, the other day I was thinking about how several celebrities have adopted babies in the last several years...single women, that is.

Have you considered this? I know it can be expensive, but perhaps, if this is the way you are to go in your life (and that's a big IF), the right doors will open for this opportunity.

:hug:

mum2caden
09-29-2007, 10:51 AM
Here is what I have to say to all this:

I really could care less if someone has kids or not. I don't call them selfish... at least until they start spouting how the world is already over populated, and how bringing a child into this world isn't a 'gift'.

Maybe it isn't a gift to you, but it is to me. It is only the childless people who have to be negative towards those that do have kids, or towards the kids themselves, that will ever hear how 'selfish' they are from me.

And yes, I am choosing to read this thread- so it isn't that I didn't expect to hear the "I hate kids" thing, but I just wanted those who hate being told they are selfish for not having kids that you are doing the same thing when you tell me how much you despise my kid for just being a kid.

My aunt is child free and fine with it- she loves her dog and cat like kids and it works for her. She spoils all of her nieces and nephews, and now grand nieces and nephews, but sends them home after and loves it.

She isn't walking around asking me why I am adding to the over populated world by having a baby...SHE understands people can just be as they want to be.

I am only so bitter about this because when I sit down next to someone on the train, and my son's foot accidentally touches a woman's bag-- I am going to get really bitter when they give him a disgusted look, brush off non existent dirt- and move to another seat. Especially when he said hi and the person can't even respond.

So yes- this goes both ways.

JamOKnit
10-01-2007, 04:27 PM
I've really enjoyed reading this thread because I am one of those "on-the-fence" people. I just got married 2 years ago at age 31 so I am now 33 and realizing that my window of opportunity is shrinking. My husband will be 38 at the end of this month.

I have never really felt like the "mother" type, but every now and then when I interact with my friend's kids, I wish that I had a little someone who loved me like that. However, I am VERY into having "me" time, even time away from my husband to be alone and read, knit, whatever. (he understands cause he's a musician and likes his alone time too). So I guess one of my real fears is that if I have a child, I will never have that alone time again. I also can't function like a normal human being if I don't get enough sleep. Potential lack of sleep and discomfort during pregnancy are probably enough to scare me off right now. :)

However, like I said, I do have moments where I feel like I want to have a baby. So what are the motivations there? In other words, for those of you out there who ARE moms, HOW do you know when you're ready and HOW do you recognize the right reasons in yourself?

I mean, I dread the thought of growing old and not having a son or daughter to depend on, the way my parents and my in-laws depend on me now. But, on the other hand, I am very protective and unwilling to give up the wonderful times that my husband and I have together, just the two of us. It's great to be able to leave the city on a whim, go out shopping all day when we want, go hiking, out to dinner, etc. I'm afraid of losing all that.

I don't want to think that I am trying to convince myself to have a child. I truly do want to be that type of person who will be a great mom. But how do I know if that's me?

Everyone says "it's different when it's your own kid." So moms, is that REALLY true???

Will I be able to find patience, trust, forgiveness, unconditional love somewhere within me?

*sorry for the diatribe but I wanted to jump into the fray with both feet! :hug:

auburnchick
10-02-2007, 12:55 AM
Are we ever, truly, prepared for that first child? I'm not so sure. God provides the unconditional love that accompanies the birth of a child, so you need not fret about that. How will you know when you're ready? I don't have the answer to that. I knew I was ready when I told my husband we needed either a dog or a child. I needed to nurture something. I was only 20 years old too. I did not go through the whole thinking about it stage. Perhaps that was my youth. I don't know. I just assumed that when I got married, I would have children. I didn't even know that people chose not to have kids.

As far as that alone time for yourself, I found that for me, it did not become very important. I found time (usually in the bathroom) to myself where I could read a few pages of a book, but I've just never been the kind of person who needs time to myself. I absolutely love being with my children, and they are 15 and 13. I miss them when they are at friends' houses, although I keep myself plenty busy whether they are at home or off somewhere else. I just like their presence, even if they aren't in the same room with me, which is frequently now that they are teens. I will miss them when they leave home, but I will adjust. I'll have more quiet time then that I'll ever want.

You have to decide for yourself when you think you are ready. The important thing is to not let people pressure you or make you feel bad for whatever choice you make. That is the point of this thread, I believe.

:muah:

jennylozano
10-02-2007, 01:42 AM
The important thing is to not let people pressure you or make you feel bad for whatever choice you make. That is the point of this thread, I believe.:muah:

Yes, Auburnchick, it is indeed! :thumbsup:

jennylozano
10-02-2007, 10:27 PM
[quote=JamOKnit;973041]I have never really felt like the "mother" type, but every now and then when I interact with my friend's kids, I wish that I had a little someone who loved me like that. However, I am VERY into having "me" time, even time away from my husband to be alone and read, knit, whatever. (he understands cause he's a musician and likes his alone time too). So I guess one of my real fears is that if I have a child, I will never have that alone time again. I also can't function like a normal human being if I don't get enough sleep. Potential lack of sleep and discomfort during pregnancy are probably enough to scare me off right now. :)[QUOTE]

JamOKnit, many times I feel EXACTLY just like you are describing there. I love to be alone too and to have my time to just be quiet while I do my stuff. With babies I will never have that luxury again, huh? But just like you some other times I imagine loving my child and experiencing motherhood. Although I am not the mother type either. *sigh* It is agood thing that so many people have shared their experiences in this thread! Thanks a lot!