View Full Version : People are insensitive
09-24-2007, 11:40 AM
I know that most people do not know that dh and I have been trying to conceive for 16 months now. We have been selective about those who know...just our parents and our best friends.
So I know that this person did not intend to hurt me, and I don't blame them. At the same time, I wonder where they learned their manners!
At the grocery store the other day, we ran into someone we haven't seen in quite awhile. He asked us where our "other little one" was. We smiled and said, "Oh no, we still have just the one." And he replied back with, "You should really get working on that. Because it's better for kids to have closer siblings. It teaches them how to get along with other kids and blah, blah, blah...."
I know it wasn't intentionally cruel, but we would love to have another child, and short of artificial means, we are doing EVERYTHING we can do.
I just wonder: WHY is it his business? Really?
09-24-2007, 11:47 AM
You're right, it is none of his business, but lots of people seem to like to make it theirs. I experienced the same when I had a miscarriage. What are people thinking??
I'm sorry that you're struggling, and while this person has no idea of the details so was probably completely unaware of the hurt it caused, it still hurts a lot. :hug:
09-24-2007, 11:53 AM
Totally -- people just don't get it. I had a totally nosey woman on my case about having another, just a few weeks after my miscarriage. I looked her straight in the eye, and said, "You know, if it were up to ME, I would have another already. But it's NOT." That totally shut her up -- she never asked again. :twisted:
I'm sorry :hug:
09-24-2007, 12:01 PM
I have a tendency to lose all manners when someone comes up with something rude like that. I call it fighting rude with rude. I would have flat out told the guy "my husband and I have been trying to conceive for 16 months. I wish I had a miracle solution, maybe you can keep me in your prayers for one." Who cares is he feels like a cad afterward?
Anyway, you probably handled it alot more diplomatically than I would have and I commend you. Hope you have success soon and don't worry too much about the idiots. :hug:
:shrug: I don't understand why people do that. Even if you didn't want another child, in what way is that anybody's business?
It's ridiculous though. I don't want children and I get criticized sometimes for it. You have one, and it's still not enough. And I bet you people with "too many" children are criticized as well. I mean really... :wall:
09-24-2007, 12:37 PM
There is a ten year gap between my first and second child....so I think I endured about nine and half years of " When will you be having another one"
Sometimes I think people just ask that question to fill in gaps in the conversation, other times like the guy who asked you they think maybe you haven't figured out the benefits of siblings yet:oo:....I varied my responses depending on who did the asking, but generally the " We would dearly like another child, but have not been blessed with one yet" reponse worked best.
09-24-2007, 12:47 PM
I see how his comment could have hurt your feelings, but it was just an innocent comment. It wasn't rude or made with malice. If you are sensitive about a certain issue in your life, why do you let other people make you feel worse about something out of your control?
09-24-2007, 01:59 PM
I know how it is when people ask about the whole kids thing. My husband and I both have "fertility issues" and we have been unable to conceive so far. We will probably try some sort of fertility treatments in the future, but we havn't yet. However, so many people ask "when are you having kids" and "you're not getting any younger" (we're 27). To begin with these things really hurt me even though they weren't meant to be malicious. After this went on for awhile I finally started answering "I'm infertile" and believe me, that shut them up real quick.
Stitchwitch has the right idea - fight rude with rude. Even if it is your own family - they will understand and will most likely be supportive.
09-24-2007, 02:23 PM
That's just how people are... Rude and unthoughtful, except for KH of course :hug:! I am the youngest (26) at my office and a few people a bit older (mid 30's) than i have babies. So our General Manager is always saying in office gatherings things about me having a baby already. So i decided to fight rude with rude, like Stitchwitch said. I answered :"Get out of my womb already, are you going to raise my paycheck so i can afford myself a baby?". That being said in front of everybody shut him up alright:thumbsup:! You could ask the guy to come over at night just to check how you and your DH are getting along with the project, i'm sure he would've avoided you forever :twisted:.
09-24-2007, 03:00 PM
Firstoff, thank you for sharing such a sensitive topic with us KH'ers. I have two babies myself and wouldn't think if saying such a thing. Msoebel, I'm sorry you had such an awful encounter. :hug: You and your DH will have a child eventually. It's easier for me to say, "ignore the arse".
Hang in there, I will :pray: for you and your DH. :hug:
09-24-2007, 03:16 PM
WOW! That is awfully rude, and personal! From someone you haven't seen in a while to say that. I'm not sure why people feel it's their prerogatives to mention your "baby making" habits their business.
I'm 31, not married, and my co-workers and friends feel the need to tell me to "hurry up and get married", and "when ARE you going to have kids", and "Isn't your biological clock ticking?"
My responses are usually along the lines of "Ticking? is that what that is? I thought it was the tell tale heart" <--I usually get blank looks. Or "hmmmm, married, babies.....I don't want to spend money on babies right now, I have yarn to buy", or "I'll get married and have babies when I'm ready. I'm obviously not, and I'd think you'd be glad I'm not rushing into anything since you're always complaining about people needing a license for a car but not for a kid....." People usually stop asking me about that after I retort.
09-24-2007, 03:33 PM
I completely understand....
DH and I have been trying for 3.5 years now (though he has been deployed for the last year of that....)!
It does really hurt when people say "aren't you ever going to have kids" (we have been married for 7.5 years now, are are now both 29). It also hurts me when I see my younger sister-in-law (now 23) have 2 babies in the last 3 years (and neither was planned) and then other close family friends haing babies too (again, mostly 18-22 yrs olds, with unplanned babies). I am an only child and people ask my parents all the time "when are you going to be grandparents"? It's hard on them too, people always asking, but luckily they are very supportive of us ans know we have been trying and that it's a sensitive issue.
I also hate it when people say "oh, you should wait to have kids, enjoy married life first" (again, we have been married 7.5 years! - longer than a lot of marriages last these days) or when they say "you are so lucky you don't have kids, they are so much trouble". That really hurts too... :(
09-24-2007, 03:53 PM
IBAmyB :hug: Praying for you and your DH as well :)
09-24-2007, 05:28 PM
My responses are usually along the lines of "Ticking? is that what that is? I thought it was the tell tale heart" <--I usually get blank looks.
Nice retort Letah!!!! :thumbsup: I :heart: it!
09-24-2007, 06:31 PM
I really hate when people assume things and "make conversation" with that kind of questioning!!! Why do they think everyone else must fit into their perfect world of married couples and 1 or 2 years apart siblings!!!:hair::gah:
09-24-2007, 09:29 PM
You know what really gets me is when someone brings their newborn into the office, which honestly I think its fantastic, just don't expect me to coo all over them and hold them.
Recently, a friend of mine had his wife bring their baby in and he walked around and introduced him and let everyone hold him and then asked if I wanted to hold him, to which I politely said no thank you. He knows my situation. It just kindof put me in an awkward position to explain, I'm sorry, it's me. I'm a big baby and I feel sorry for myself, so I can't hold your baby. Wow, I hope that passes someday.
Since my dh and I cannot have children, it always puts me into a funk. I can make things for babies without a problem. I just can't hold them. I have my own private pity party every time.....same thing happens at baby showers.
09-25-2007, 04:42 AM
DH and I are just the opposite. Got pregnant with the first on the honeymoon and the second 8 1/2 months later. We are always getting, "Are you done?" "Don't you think they are too close in age?"
Now we are having to think about not having anymore because of problems with me, and everybody in the family are like, will at least you have Mel and Ed. We always thought we would have 3 or 4. I pray for all those who want children and are having problems, and I pray for those who do not want any (for those I pray everything stops telling them they need children). Children are gifts, and sometimes the gift comes late, or not the box you expect.
Big :hug: to everyone TTC, who don't want to, or who can't :hug:
My DS is two now and all my family seem to be watching and waiting for me to have another, and this time it's GOT to be a girl. Thing is I am trying but nothing is happening at the moment. I just don't want to be telling everyone else that.
It's a shame people don't think how hurtful/insensitive these comments can be, or how much pressure they put on.
09-25-2007, 09:29 AM
I think the guy was not being rude, thoughtless or insensitive. He was merely making conversation. Since the conception problems were not widely known, he wouldn't know to avoid the subject. He was just trying to be friendly.
09-25-2007, 10:34 AM
This is a VERY sensitive issue with me and a million other couples out there. My god, right after we got married I was constantly being asked BY COMPLETE STRANGERS in our church whom I had never once held a conversation with when we were having a baby. Just because by that time my brother and his wife had just had their first baby.
It doesn't matter if it wasn't said with malice or rudeness - it's just PLAIN RUDE to ask someone such a personal question. No matter how close you are to them. TTC is such a roller coaster ride that no one can understand unless you are on that ride. And trust me, no one wants to be on that ride any longer than they have too.
Asking someone if they are going to have kids is such a personal issue that after all these years I'm still amazed at how often people ask the question and then the couple on trial sits there and worries that they are the ones who answered the question rudely!!!
At this point in our lives I just fight rude with rude. It makes me feel so much better knowing I put that person in an uncomfortable position and that maybe they won't do that to anyone else.
Things don't have to be said with malice or rudeness to hurt someone. Stupidity reins high and anyone who can't understand that needs to stop and think before they write something else that's insensitive.
09-25-2007, 12:01 PM
If you are sensitive about a certain issue in your life, why do you let other people make you feel worse about something out of your control?
I don't believe he intended to be malicious...but imagine wanting something desperately, trying and trying to make it happen, and then, each and every month for 16 months (going on 17) finding out that it didn't happen again this month. And then, imagine people, although well intentioned, constantly bringing up the thing that is missing in your life. Pointing out repeatedly (yes, it hasn't just been this one gentleman) that your only child is now 4, and it's beginning to look like it's not going to happen. And let's just say for the sake of argument, that half of the well intentioned people have a way making you feel as if YOU are somehow failing as a parent to your only child because you can't just make a sibling appear, "POOF" out of thin air.
It is a sensitive issue, and we don't tell people that we are trying because then you get the questions every single month. "Are you pregnant this month?" "Did it happen yet?" It's hard enough to read the negative pregnancy test without seeing the looks of disappointment and pity on their faces.
I am extremely blessed with the amazing child I already have, and I hope to one day give her a brother or sister...because I remember being a child and growing up with my sister. I want that for her.
Thank you all for your support. Honestly, the whole thing just kind of knocked the wind out of me for awhile. I wasn't thinking about it, I wasn't feeling sad...and then boom...I got hit with that.
09-26-2007, 04:33 PM
Something about pregnancy & kids suddenly makes total strangers think everything is their business.
09-27-2007, 09:38 AM
Yeah, what IS that? How is it that something that is so intensly personal is such a comment for topic and conversation? We don't ask personal financial questions, and we don't ask after folks' yeast infections and vastectomies .... but conception? It's a free for all.
I feel for those who have problems - it must be so hard :hug:- and I sometimes feel guilty it was so easy for us. We weren't immune to others intrusiveness though. My kids are on top of each other age wise, I can't tell you how many times it was suggested to us to "get fixed - both of you." "You two need a new hobby." "You're not pregnant again, are you?" "Three in diapers? What were you thinking? - Oh that's right, you weren't" I know people were joking, but still.
We never made a real choice to have them so close, we just sort of left it to fate, and that's our family. My dh is an only, and I have one brother who is 8 years younger, so this is new for us, and it is what it is. There are good things and bad about every situation, it's just how you look at it.
Good luck to you Misty, and everyone :hug:
09-27-2007, 10:19 AM
My dh and I INTENTIONALLY waited for more than 4 years into our marriage before we started trying for our first child. And BAM! it happened very quickly. We had our dd 1 week after our 5th wedding anniversary. Exactly according to the plan we had established before we got married.
We had planned on having our second 3 years after the first, but decided that we were having so much fun with her, that we wanted another year, with just the three of us.
I really didn't think it would be so hard this time around.
BUT as long as I can avoid the "well wishers", I think I could still survive!:wink:
09-27-2007, 11:19 AM
I hosted a baby shower for a friend a month ago or so. She invited a friend that I also know. Pregnant girl waited almost 6 years into her marriage and she's going on 35 to get pregnant. (It only took a few months and they didn't really TRY, just gave up birth control and hoped for the best.)
Other friend has been married just over 1 1/2 years and is early 30s at most. Pregnant girl started in on "when are you going to get pregnant, is hubby saying no, do this to convince him," and on and on. I felt so sorry for her that I asked pregnant girl how long they waited. She didn't say another word.
I NEVER ask people when they are going to have babies or anything like that. I figure they'll let me know when it's most comfortable for them whether it be trying or they've gotten pregnant! I never told anyone we were "trying" as we never really did try- just left it up to God to decide!
I hate it when I hear someone being pressured. I just think it's rude and out of place. I always try my best not to make comments either way towards a childless couple. I have no idea what their trials or thoughts are about children. I assumed for the longest time that pregnant girl was not having children or was having trouble conceiving but I never brought it up. I just wish the rest of the world would do the same!
09-27-2007, 11:38 AM
My parents were married in 1961 and I (an only child) wasn't born until 1975.....I was an accident. They wanted to wait 15 years before they had a baby. But they got off of birthcontrol, and BAM, a month later mom was preggers.
My parents wanted a good, strong, stable relationship, and wanted to work through some of their own....issues....family history stuff prior to having a baby (me). I thank them for that! Because of that I am a fairly normal adult.....:flirt:
Have babies when you are ready, or don't have babies if you don't want them. Just don't have unwanted babies.
09-28-2007, 08:10 PM
Even if you weren't having problems, and the person wasn't intentionally being rude -- - I don't know why someone would make a remark like that anyhow. Whose business is it anyhow WHEN you have children? I am very private, no one really knows many details about my life, and if people ask - I come right out and tell them I don't talk about things like that. Even if they are just making conversation. I guess I am a little anti-social. :0) Don't worry, everything will work out! :hug:
09-30-2007, 02:59 PM
Some people just don't think before they open their mouths. My Aunt kept getting comments like that while she was trying for a baby, from her Dad mostly!!! He wasn't trying to be hurtful, he just doesn't think about how what he says will make other people feel.
09-30-2007, 04:40 PM
So sorry for what you are going through. Even though he probably didn't say those things to upset you, I undertand how much it hurts nonetheless. We've been TTC for 2 years now and feel your pain. :hug:
All the best,
09-30-2007, 08:50 PM
I think people believe they can just say whatever they want about babies and pregnancy. I don't know why this is, maybe babies don't seem like real people and social norms don't apply to them. Maybe everyone thinks their opinions on conception and childbirth are accurate. Whatever it is, people say the DUMBEST things! I just had a baby a few months ago and I just cannot believe the stuff people say sometimes (about her and about me).
Sorry you got that commentary. It just boggles the mind doesn't it?