View Full Version : *sigh* Lost a friend
10-01-2007, 06:47 PM
Argh. Just need to vent for a bit, sorry, and would appreciate any thoughts, although it's a bit late now, unfortunately.
I started writing the story, but it's long and convoluted and stupid, so I'm not going to try to explain. But the girl who was my best friend is not that girl anymore, and I'm really sad. It's been dragging on for months, but tonight I got a text saying 'thanks for being a crappy friend'. It seems to be the death knell for a friendship of years, and I still don't really understand what happened to her.
I know I could have been a better friend sometimes and I could have been there more, but she kept putting me in impossible situations and I could never be the girl who just blindly supports someone when I think they're being selfish and cruel. She was so lovely and kind and she's become someone totally different now, and I don't know what happened. I could try and fix the friendship, but she keeps telling people that this is the 'real her' that she's been hiding all these years, and if it is, I don't like her much, and don't really want to fix a friendship if my friend is gone. I know it sounds like I'm that irritating person who can't accept that my friend has changed and wants to hold her back, but really, she's changed into not such a good person.
Anyway, I'm just sad and frustrated and, in a way, relieved it's over and I know where I stand but still really scared about meeting her in town and how she's become best friends with my next door neighbour so hangs around all the time. Sigh. Anyone else been through this?
10-01-2007, 06:52 PM
:muah:I have been in the same boat, sadly. There is a friend of mine that really is a good friend, sometimes. When she's not around I don't really miss her or think of her. We got in a fight a while back and I've been too busy to wonder if she's still mad at me.
If you are a bit relieved, then don't worry too much. No one needs the drama in their lives. Sometimes people who were great friends grow out of each other. It happens. You become different people. Maybe the best thing to do is say that you just aren't the same anymore, and be ok with that.:pout:
10-01-2007, 07:04 PM
I'm sorry that your friendship seems to have ended without any clear reason why. :hug::hug::hug:
I hope that this little bit of advice will help...
Someone once told me that people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. It's very true.
A reason could be for directions, helping them with their groceries, making a call for them, etc. You were involved in their life and vice versa for a specific purpose for a very short period of time and that is that.
A season could be a coworker that you eat lunch with on a regular basis, a neighbor who needs a babysitter, a classmate who needs tutoring. These people are in your life for a spefic reason as well, but you have managed to create a friendship with them. The friendship can last for several months or several years and then without any reason, just ends (or maybe a good reason like moving, finishing school, etc.)
A lifetime is a person that at this point in your life has been your friend forever or in your life for a long period of time and has continued to blossom. These are the types of people we want in our lives.
The problem we have as humans is that we try to keep people in our lives that were only meant to be in our lives for a reason or a season. We can't seem to let go of something that is not meant to be there especially when the signs are there that their purpose has been fulfilled or past its use.
I suspect that your season of friendship with this over or has been over for sometime. However, you found it difficult or unnecessary to move on. You said that she claimed her new behavior is the real her and that you don't care for it. Her season of friendship is over.
Please don't take this to heart too much. It is difficult to lose a friend. However in the long run, you will now have the resources to provide for a new friendship that may last a lifetime.
10-01-2007, 07:20 PM
I heard a term years ago that I've kept with me, it's called "toxic people". Sometimes it's best to let people who don't bring you joy or a sense of calm and happiness out of your life.
I realize you feel bad for the loss of the friendship but I think you'll go through a mourning period of sorts and find that you feel much, much better without this person. :hug: If you run into her, speak cordially and move on. If she doesn't recipricate then it speaks volumns for her own character.
10-01-2007, 07:46 PM
Yeah, I went through this earlier this year :sad:
Same thing happened as with you - the person changed, or at least was not the kind, decent person I thought they were. It's been about 4 months now that we've had no contact. The person is still friends with my boyfriend, which is very akward for me.
I've actually blocked the memories of how close we were. We used to see each other daily. Even if I just went through the carwash, I'd go pick the friend up and we'd go through the carwash together, because it was so close to their house and we could fit in a chat!
Saying "thanks for being such a crappy friend" is a terrible way to end a friendship.
I guess I am in no position to offer advice, since the way I dealt with it was to cry, delete the friend from my facebook friends and end all contact. It's a shoddy thing to go through, it hurts a lot, you'll think about her often and you probably don't even want advice. Just to know that you're not alone.
Well, you're not. :grphug: Look, there's a bunch of us here!
10-01-2007, 07:50 PM
I'm sooooo sorry. Despite my age, the same thing has happened to me. It's tough and you're in denial for quite some time. Just try focusing on making new friends. That's what I did and I'm much happier now!(Except for the whole text thing.)
10-02-2007, 12:48 AM
I'm so sorry! It's hard to let go sometimes. My heart really goes out to you.
I feel like I've lost a couple of good friends in the last few years, but it was due to my move across the state. I am the kind of friend who calls now and again (maybe once a month) to check on my friends, but it just wasn't reciprocated. One friend hasn't called in a few years, and my other friend has a lot of issues right now. She has disconnected her phone and hasn't called to tell me where she is. She's like a sister, and I'm sad.
So, anyhow, here's a hug for you. :hug:
I will pray that you find someone else who will be able to be the right kind of friend.
10-02-2007, 07:38 AM
I had a friend like that once. She started off really nice then started to change. We fell out a lot and I kept taking it and trying to fix things but once the cracks started appearing we just fell out more and more. I always felt like I was the one having to make the effort when she was the one who started the arguments in the first place. I know she wanted me to be there for her more often but I had other friends as well, in trying not to neglect other people I managed to alienate her and she used to send me nasty little messages like that.
In the end we ended up having a huge argument ,that effectively ended the friendship, because she felt like I was ignoring her, which I wasn't, not intentionally anyway. We had so many issues from the previous arguments that had just been swept under the carpet and not resolved that there was just no way to fix it. I cried every night for about 2 weeks and got quite upset whenever I was anywhere near her. We ended up not talking to each other for a couple of months, on her part because she thought that ignoring me would sort things out and on my part because I didn't want to end up getting upset again. Even when we did start talking I just had to ignore half of what she said because of the snide comments she was making about me. I do still talk to her occassionally, we are civil to each other but after everything that happened I can't think of her in the same way.
It wasn't a great end to a friendship but looking back I think I'm better off without her influence in my life, I don't like who I was becoming back then.
If you don't like who she has become and you are relieved about it then I wouldn't try to fix it. Just be civil to her and try to get on with your life. I know it hurts and you are angry and the last thing you want to do is meet her in the street but after a while it will get better. You will spend time with other friends, meet new ones and feel better for it in the long run.
I hope that helps a little.
10-02-2007, 09:23 AM
I've "lost" two friends over the years but I'm still close with two since grammar school!! That's a LONG time ago. So I know it was not all me when those other two friendships changed over the years.
I once had a friend tell me that sometimes there are "FRIENDS FOR A SEASON". I realized she is right!! There are friends in my life that will always be a part of my life. There have also been some friends where we were only friends for a "season". It makes sense to me. Hope that encourages you too.:grphug:
10-02-2007, 09:35 AM
My mom and I refer to "toxic people" as "gas tank people". If when you are with your friend and your "gas tank" is always full, then that's the kind of person you want to hang around.
If when you are with that person, he/she is siphons the gas out of your tank and lives you empty and sputtering on the side of the road, it's time to move on. I hope that makes sense.
10-02-2007, 10:11 AM
Iím so sorry this has happened to you, itís a terrible situation to be in. Iíve been there and itís no fun. I was friends with this girl in high school and all of the sudden she was really distant and stopped talking to me. After a few weeks I finally got up the courage to go to coffee with her and ask her what was up. I really wanted to know what was going on. Was it me? Did I do something to hurt you? If I did Iím truly sorry, Iíd just like to know. Her response to me was no, nothing is wrong. After that we were alright for a little while then things just fell apart again. I spent a lot of time crying over this because she was one of my best friends.
Our senior year (a little over a year after we stopped being friends), we were in a class together and started talking a little. By the end of the year we were like best friends again. My real friends warned me to be careful with her because what happened before could happen again, but I was just so happy we were friends againÖno one wants to have to admit they failed at a friendship, right? That whole summer before college we spent practically every day hanging out and cried when we were leaving for school (she was going to NYU and I was going to school in Providence, RI). We still talked all the time and over Columbus Day weekend, I went to visit her in NYC, and I could tell she was all consumed by the big city life. The last time I saw her was during Thanksgiving break, we hung out and everything was fine. Then all of the sudden we werenít talking or calling each other. It wasnít just her thing this time, I didnít really call her much either because I could tell she was so different and not someone I really wanted to spend time with.
To make a long story short, Iíve heard from people in my hometown that she fell into a kind of bad crowd, and Iím glad I wasnít there to fall with her. Itís really sad when you lose a close friend but sometimes you have to realize that youíre better off. I know you probably canít see it now, it took me a while to realize it but its better to just focus your energy on the good friends you have that arenít going to say things like youíre a crappy friend.
10-02-2007, 04:42 PM
You shouldn't take ownership of someone else's personality defects. Sounds like it's time to move on.
You shouldn't take ownership of someone else's personality defects. Sounds like it's time to move on.
about personal character, its not how you treat your best friend, its how you treat everyone
if I call someone a friend, I try to leave te door open to that friendship, even if its years between one end of a conversation and the other.
If a person becomes toxic, Hurtful, I have been known to detach with love, or just let them go (like with my Xh, whom I lost to his addiction, and the illness attached to that addiction) but when they some back around to being non-toxic, I try hard to still be welcoming.
I M not a saint, I have made my share of Faux Pas in friendships but I make an effort. Tere is TOO MUCH hate and hurt in the world for me to carry it around.
10-02-2007, 08:37 PM
:hug:I'm sorry you are going through this right now...:hug:
10-03-2007, 04:31 AM
Thanks so much everyone - your words have been very helpful to me in trying to make sense of it all. I guess, looking back, I can see a bunch of things I could have done differently, but I'm not perfect and I never would have imagined it would turn out this way. I've had tiffs with other friends but we've always got through it, but I guess she just didn't want to hear what I had to say about her situation, so went to the person who would tell her what she wanted, rather than needed, to hear. And now she's screwed with not just her, but her husband and his daughter's lives.
Am I that far gone in thinking that, yes, if you're deeply unhappy in a relationship and it's eating away at your soul, then getting out is a good idea, but that otherwise we do, in fact, have responsibilities to the people we love? I believe that, if you married someone and you're dissatisfied, you move to fix the relationship, not just leave cause it hasn't fixed your life. I believe that committing to a relationship by marrying someone, especially where there's a child involved, means that you do whatever it takes to make that relationship work - you make the sacrifices, even if they hurt, you make the compromises, even if you think you're right, you do whatever you can. Then, at the end, if it hasn't worked and you really feel you will not ever be happy with that person, then fair enough. But I know people who tried harder with 2 month relationships than she did with him. And we fell out because she wanted me to validate everything she did because she thought she had a 'right' to whatever she enjoyed or made her happy, no matter who it hurt in the process, and that everyone else should just support her in that.
Sorry, that was meant to be a one or two line mini-rant ;-) Oops.
10-03-2007, 08:12 AM
I just read your post today, and I just wanted to say I'm sorry to hear about you losing a friend. :hug: I've had this happen a few times myself and I know how painful it can be...you're mourning the loss of a relationship. Give yourself time to heal and don't rush things. :heart:
10-03-2007, 12:17 PM
I had two really good friends like that once...sadly, it was about the same time, too.
The one girl was my best friend for years and years and then suddenly, she was partying excessively, sleeping with everyone and anyone (and she didn't even like doing it...she just wanted them to like her!) and picking fights with people. She was just a different person. Then she started lying to me and putting me in awkward positions. She talked me into hanging out with her and her boyfriend one night and he ended up driving us up to a lake an hour from our town, and getting stinking drunk. Then they both got mad at me for not letting him drive me home! I cut ties with her, sadly, knowing she wasn't really the friend I had known.
The other girl was a close friend. But when I got married, she decided not to come to my wedding because she couldn't get a date (yes, that is what she said to me). She saw me and my fiancee three days before the wedding and she ran up to him, threw herself into his arms, wrapped her legs around his waist...and then flirted with him all night. She sent us a card for our wedding...and made a comment like, "Just think...after ALL those guys, you FINALLY found one that will keep you."
I dumped her butt for being a terrible friend.
That doesn't mean it's easy. It's hard to say good bye to what used to be. Your life will be emptier for a little while...but it will get better!
I lost some friends too, but somehow I am able to be philosophical about it when it happens. Yes it's always sad, but when the friendship isn't there anymore, there's just no point. Better to let it go, and to use it as an opportunity to meet new people.
Sometimes I wonder if it was my friends who changed completely and I stayed the same, or if we just both changed but in different directions. In my case, I think it's more what happened. At first it did seem as if my friends had changed, but when thinking about it more, I realized I changed as well. We started getting different experiences, knowing different people, being interested in different things. After a while, we just didn't connect anymore.:shrug:
10-04-2007, 06:48 PM
It sounds like everyone has lost a friend. I definitely have too. I think it's normal for people to change and grow apart. Recently I lost a best friend because we both changed and even though I tried to keep the friendship, she didn't. We would plan to do something and then she'd cancel. It was so silly, but it happened. I also didn't respect her any longer,but that's another story!
Anyways, don't trouble yourself over it. You can't do anything about it, and maybe it's for the best. It sounds like you were the best part of that friendship.
There are lots of wonderful people out there who won't call you a bad friend and will love you for who you are.