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knitgal
10-05-2007, 07:29 PM
My boyfriend and I moved into a new apartment at the beginning of August. We just moved in together and are very excited! Our apartment has many older people in it (we're 22 and 23) and I have met many of them while doing laundry in the laundry room.
This evening, while washing our towels, two older men introduced themselves. While chatting, one of the older men asked "what does your husband do?". Instead of saying "oh, I live with my boyfriend", I lied and pretended we were married. I snuck a ring off my right hand and slipped it on my left ring finger for effect.
My feeling was that he assumed we were married because we are living together. I know many people feel that it's wrong to live together before marriage, but we love each other, but we don't feel that we are old enough to make that commitment. I didn't really want to be judged by him if I did say that we weren't married. I don't even know if he would have cared, but a lot of older people seem to look down on us "living in sin".
What do you guys think? Should I have just told him that we're unmarried? Or should I have just gone with it? Does it really matter?
I'm feeling guilty for lying, but I also feel like I shouldn't have to tell this man everything....

Ingrid
10-05-2007, 07:32 PM
I don't think it matters. He made an assumption that wasn't correct, that's all. If at some point it comes up with this man again, you could just say that it was easier to reply to his question than explain that you're not married. It isn't any of his business unless he's your grandfather.:teehee:

knitgal
10-05-2007, 07:45 PM
Ingrid, you're just answering my questions all over the place tonight! I think you're right, I'm just worried about what people will think...silly, I know.

Knitting_Guy
10-05-2007, 08:09 PM
You're not responsible for his assumption, and it's really none of his business anyway.

vaknitter
10-05-2007, 09:05 PM
HAHA aren't older neighbors wonderful !! I probably wouldn't have gone so far as to put a ring on my left hand, but it's none of his business if you're married or not so no point to correcting him. If there's one thing I've learned as I got older and got married, life's too short to let other people judge the way you live. If you make each other happy then more power to you.

Just a little aside, my neighbor referred to my FATHER as my husband and an ER nurse once referred to my mother as my brothers wife !!

jjminarcik
10-05-2007, 09:19 PM
I probably would have said "oh, my boyfriend does *enter job here*" Mostly likely he wouldn't have caught it, but if he did I doubt he would ask more questions about it. But I don't know some older people I know are nosy! :fingerwag:

Sandi
10-05-2007, 11:10 PM
I think you are reading to much into the fact that he asked you "your husband".....

Allot of older people just assume people are married when they live together, it's just the way they are.

I'm thinking that nothing was meant to offend you in his asking.

Other than expressing an interest in getting to know new people in the building.

Let it go......

Dangles
10-06-2007, 03:10 AM
Ingrid sure is the go to gal :) :hug:

Knitgal, don't fret about it. Frankly it is none of their business.

zazzu
10-06-2007, 12:01 PM
This evening, while washing our towels, two older men introduced themselves. While chatting, one of the older men asked "what does your husband do?".


This is funny to me because I'd be much more put off by him asking what my husband does than by assuming we're married. I hate when people ask what I/DH does for a living. It gives me the heebies...as if they're going to ask for money or something.

Why does anyone care what someone else's husband/boyfriend does for a living?

Don't mind me - I just hate nosy neighbors. :)

iza
10-06-2007, 12:19 PM
I agree with all what was said... In fact, I think you did the right thing. Do you really want to go into "we're not married but we're kind of committed but we're not ready for the big commitment but..." kind of explanation with somebody you don't know? Really, by saying you're married you probably cut a whole lot of gossiping which is way better, trust me! :teehee:

auburnchick
10-06-2007, 04:47 PM
Ok. Here's my thoughts. You made a decision to live with your boyfriend. If you're woman enough to make that decision, knowing that it is frowned upon by some people in society, then you're woman enough to stand by that decision -- without having to lie or justify your reasons.

I would have politely said, "My boyfriend does such-and-such..." and left it at that. Decorum would lead the neighbor to keep mum, if he/she disapproves, or continue the conversation from there.

Some older people do not have a lot of things going on in their lives, so they are naturally curious about others. Your neighbor was probably trying to be nice and just make conversation.

:hug:

debinoz
10-06-2007, 05:04 PM
Many older people might suprise you. My grandmother and her boyfriend moved in together when she was almost 60. They lived together for almost 19 years. They're both gone now, but they were really happy.

ecb
10-06-2007, 09:41 PM
IMHO, I just do the same kinda thing, I just do not correct anyone. People can assume I M with a guy, I do not correct people, and just do not specify gender when I speak of a relationship. I would not specify maratal status either, sometimes I do not even clarify the status of the kids father. if its none of someones buisness, I do not clarify.

JMHO

SkyBluePink
10-06-2007, 10:16 PM
Knitgal, I've got the same "problem" as you. People assume we are married because we live together. I let them assume what they want because frankly it isn't any of their business and I do not feel like giving the whole "we are happy the way things are, why fix it if it isn't broken, blah blah blah" spiel and most times, people are just trying to make conversation and be friendly. Also, I really hate the term boyfriend. So I do not refer to him as that if at all possible. For crying out loud, we're both in our thirties. Boyfriend/girlfriend stuff should have been left behind 5-10 years ago. But "partner" sounds pretentious to me, as does "significant other" and "friend/buddy" isn't intimate enough. So I refer to him as my sweetie. And that phrase will work whether we get married or not. :mrgreen:

That was a long-winded way of saying that I totally feel your pain, my dear!

AnnaT
10-06-2007, 11:08 PM
You're not responsible for his assumption, and it's really none of his business anyway.


I agree. I do think that most of the time it's better to keep your business private, unless you know exactly who you are telling, and that's not the same thing at all as lying.

stitchwitch
10-07-2007, 10:45 AM
My parents are 75 and living in a retirement village. There are more people living together in there unmarried than I've ever known so I don't think all older people care about the "living in sin" thing.
The man just automatically assumed you were married, heck I probably would have too if I saw a ring. :shrug:

iza
10-07-2007, 11:05 AM
Also, I really hate the term boyfriend. So I do not refer to him as that if at all possible. For crying out loud, we're both in our thirties.

Ohh I so understand what you mean. In French, most married or unmarried couples use the same word to refer to their "spouse". It's a more neutral word, and so there's no distinction between couples who decide to get married or not. I way prefer that!

hummingbird
10-07-2007, 04:35 PM
People used to assume that my fiance was my husband all the time, often before they knew where we lived. Maybe it was because we both wore rings, I don't know. I liked how it sounded. I really wanted him to be my husband at the time.
I didn't make a big deal about it and usually responded with (fiance's name) does what he does. If I felt like answering a bunch of "when is the wedding" questions I would say that we are engaged, etc.

HeatherFeather
10-07-2007, 07:12 PM
I did the same thing when it was our 1 year dating anniversary(I was 19)....we went to a dinner at a theater...said it was our 1 year anniversary....the other's in the group thought it was our wedding anniversary, and I let them believe it, till other questions came along.....and we had to correct their thinking...NEVER did that again.....it just kind of snuck up on us.....

aslangirl
10-16-2007, 12:44 PM
I'm typically a pretty shy person, and never seem to have the smart answers I want when people say dumb things! A few years ago I was working at the bookstore at the seminary I was attending, and a customer asked, "so, does your husband go to school here?" I said "I don't know, he might!" and she gave me the strangest look. I had to explain that I wasn't married--I'd have thought she would get the joke that I'm not married, but perhaps I would meet someone there. I don't know why people have to be so nosy about other people's marital status, as if we aren't adults until we're married, or are of lesser worth.

Sorry for the vent!!