View Full Version : Love Marriage Children
10-14-2007, 08:03 PM
has anyone had this problem?
10-14-2007, 08:17 PM
Have you considered counseling--either together or by yourself? I don't know why he changed his mind (does he?) but if he agrees to go to counseling with you then a neutral third party might be able to help you both work through why he's feeling this way, what to do about it, etc.
And if he won't go to counseling with you, I encourage you to go by yourself. Talk through this feelings with a therapist and she can help you find a solution--whether it is in fact leaving the marriage, or something else.
Has your husband had other sudden and drastic changes in personality? If so it might be worth a doctor's visit, it could be a physical or mental illness.
I'm sorry you're going through this. :hug: I hope you'll find the support you deserve.
10-14-2007, 08:20 PM
I am going to a therapist by myself.
10-14-2007, 09:11 PM
does he know that this is a "dealbreaker" for you? Does he know just how important this is to you?
I second the counseling because the last think you would want to do is to bring a child into an unhappy marriage.
I hope you find something that works for you.
Jan in CA
10-14-2007, 10:23 PM
I'm glad you are in counseling, but I do agree that both of you should go. You both need to explore why he changed his mind and what the results of that decision will make to your relationship.
10-15-2007, 02:03 AM
Like everyone has said, I also suggest couples counseling. Even if you are going to counseling individually that can help, but at least go to a few sessions together. It's amazing how much it can strengthen a marriage - whether you need it or not.
Good luck! :hug::hug::hug:
10-15-2007, 04:50 AM
It sounds to me like he's maybe panicking since it's suddenly a lot closer and more real than it was when it was the 'yeah, I want kids someday' period of his life. I second the idea of counselling, as it may help him work through the sudden fear to remember why he wanted them in the first place.
My ex and I split up over this (among other things) because he couldn't get past the idea that his life would be over once he had children - no more fun, no more life, no more him. I think he will eventually come back round to understanding that that isnt how it works, but I couldn't take the risk of staying with him and waiting and waiting for him to change his mind, in case he never did. I would have worked harder to save our relationship if that contention hadn't been there, I think. It is a deal-breaker for me. When I got together with my fiance, I had to ask him before it went anywhere if he really wanted children or if he just thought he did because it was what you were supposed to do.
My ex wasn't willing to go to counselling about the children thing, but I hope your husband understands the necessity of it - make sure he understands that you're having real problems with this and he's got to help you work through it, as he's more likely to go for your benefit than his own.
I really hope this works out for you *hugs*
10-15-2007, 11:54 AM
I mirror everyone else's comments about counseling, both individually and and as a couple.
That being said, I'm assuming (note the saying about assuming), that going into the marriage and throughout the marriage, children and the likelihood of having them has been discussed at length:
issues that will come up
what should we do when_____?
There could be many reasons that he changed his mind, is this something that you saw coming or a one day "Yeah kids" and the next day "Hold your horses honey" Again, I have to assume you know his reasoning. Talking it out is definitely a necessity. However, sometimes things change, people change, and situations change. If this is something that will make you miserable, and you can't live without, then you will have to make some very tough decisions.
I know personally, very personally, I could not marry someone who did not want children. I have none yet, but I will someday, and that is something I need and want, so my partner must be someone who 1) wants children, 2) shares my beliefs on discipline, family, beliefs, mores, values, etc., 3) I believe will help me give my children the best chance in life with love and support, 4)etc., etc., etc.
I feel for you, and hope you know that we are here to support you regardless of what happens, although WE ALL HOPE FOR THE BEST!!!!!!
10-15-2007, 12:22 PM
I'll echo the advice to get counseling, and be picky who they are! Whether or not you want children is a decision that should be made well before marriage, and one that should only be changed by mutual consent afterwards. I'd make the argument that children are the focal point of marriage and that marriage wouldn't exist as a social institution if not for children (not to say there's no other reason to get married, but schnockers!). It's extremely unfair of him to change his mind so far into the game, and I hope it's just a matter of cold feet!
10-15-2007, 01:13 PM
I am so sorry to hear about the pain you are going through. It certainly seems like this is a pattern with him, and that you will need to make a decision about what you can live with.
As an aside, I admire you very much for your dedication to the childbirth field. I am currently working on my RN, and hope to eventually go on to become a nurse midwife down the road. It is a fascinating field, and incredibly rewarding for you I'm sure. It will also be difficult to work in this field day by day if you feel your marriage is depriving you of having the happiness you witness every day with your patients.
Good luck to you, and I'll keep you in my prayers!
10-15-2007, 01:57 PM
No advice from me. Just a :hug:.
Marriage can be so difficult because we bring a lot of baggage into it. I don't know how old you are, but regardless, we all go through changes as we age and as we find out about the other person (even in the two years you've been married, I'm sure you have changed a lot). The transition can be very difficult and almost impossible at times.
Hang in there, dear.
10-15-2007, 02:08 PM
:hug: jamiejeans, I'm so sorry you are going through this. BUT, I'm glad you're doing what you have to do for YOU, sooner rather than later. big hugs from me, and know that I am thinking of you and wishing you a very happy future. :hug::heart:
10-15-2007, 02:34 PM
I'm not one to sugar coat things and I'm sure everyone hates me for it but my brother did the exact same thing to my sister in law. Said he wanted kids, loved kids, made himself out to be the bigtime family man while they were dating. After marriage it was never the right time, too much going on, not enough money, I'm going through hard emotional times, etc. etc. Finally he said no he never wanted kids at all and just went along with it to get her. You need to do what's right for you, don't make someone else a priority who only wants to make you an option. Do some counseling but realize that if this is also a past MO of his, he's not going to change. :hug:
10-15-2007, 02:49 PM
I have to agree with Stitchwitch. History usually speaks for itself. The fact that he has played this game with his ex-wives is very revealing of his character. It's one thing to tell someone you aren't sure you want children, but it's another to wait until two years into a marriage to admit you never wanted any to begin with.
I'm going to assume that since he has been married twice before that he is at least in his thirties? If so, he probably isn't going to change his mind and if he did it would only be to appease you. I can't tell you what decision to make, but it's important for you to do a lot of soul-searching. You probably don't want to be with someone who would either change their mind when it's too late to have kids or would only budge on the issue for your sake and then have them be the bitter partner in the marriage.
Some people just aren't cut out for kids. I've known people who love kids and are wonderful with them, but can't fathom the concept of having children of their own. It is a big step and some people just know they are up to the task and there are people who aren't, regardless of their other redeeming qualities. It doesn't make your husband a bad person, but the fact that he is so wishy washy about the issue isn't very helpful to either of you.
When it's all said and done only you will know what the right decision is. I'm sorry this is so painful, but I wish you the best of luck whatever you decide.
10-15-2007, 05:44 PM
Having children is a BIG issue, and one that should be discussed at great length prior to marriage. That being said, it sounds as though you did just that.
He does know that this is a deal breaker for me; but he said he had no idea that children were that important to me.
Do you really think the above is true? When you talked in the past were you clear as to how much you wanted children? In two posts I can tell how important children are to you, and how much you want them some day.
He thinks that I would be able to accept his decision and just live the rest of my life with him anyhow. He has said on several occasions that therapy will help me accept this and realize that our love is what is important.This quote is very telling to me. It sounds as though he feels his decision is the one that is important, and you should just go along with whatever he wants. This is not conducive to a partnership/marriage/friendship.
When one person wants to set the tone for a relationship, regardless of what that relationship is, there is a problem. When it becomes a large problem is when the other person blindly goes along with what the other chooses. IMHO.
If he has done this before, on two separate occasions it sounds as though this is what he really feels. Now granted I don't have the whole story, BUT, past history (especially when it continues) is very telling. Perhaps he's not fully sure, perhaps he likes the idea of kids but not the reality, whatever the issue is, he's not sure, and he doesn't sound as though he ever will be.
I'm curious as to why you think he would be a good father. No I'm not asking you to list them out or 'air your dirty laundry' :-) I just think you should think on this. I know that this is just one issue, and doesn't encompass his personality, but I think you should think on whether or not you want him to be a good dad or if he truly would.
Some people are wonderful with kids, but really wouldn't be good parents. They are the fun uncle/aunt type, or perhaps surrogate grandparent type.
I'm not trying to be a downer, or devils advocate, but especially as this is such a deal breaker for you, I think you need to think long and hard. How long are you willing to wait on a possible change of mind. If he does change his mind, are you going to try to get pregnant right away so he can't go back to the "I don't want kids" or are you going to wait a little while to see if he flip flops again?
I would also suggest if you go to church talking to your pastor/priest/rabbi in addition to a therapist. If you don't go to church, then therapist, friends/family, and KHers it is.
I hope you find what you want, and you come to a decision as easily and painlessly as possible.:hug:
10-15-2007, 06:13 PM
I appreciate your frank honesty. The excuses your brother gave your sister in law are the exact things I have heard throughout my marriage. However, he has said that he did truly mean what he said when he said he wanted kids with me. I'm not sure if this is true or not, but either way his 180 is a 180.
So did your sister in law leave? Or did they stick together?
No after 16 years of marriage he decided he wanted his secretary and ended up marrying her after an affair. Ironic thing was she has a kid, something he never wanted.
I hope you find a peaceful solution and it all works out for you. I cannot imagine the pain you are going through. :hug:
:hug: I don't have many advice for you, but you know, there are so many things that can be going on here. Yes it could be a pattern, but there might be a "good reason" to his pattern. He might change his mind, and he might not. He might really want children but is just not totally ready, and maybe he really doesn't want children but thought he was supposed to want them. Unfortunately, I think it's a bit out of your control. As hard as it can be, you must make decisions for yourself. No, the therapist will not make you accept his decision, I'm pretty sure of that. He/she will help you take the best decision for yourself. If he wants his choice to be taken into account, he has to go see the therapist himself... the therapist can not work with people who aren't in the room.
Anyways, it's a good thing you're seeing a therapist! I'm sure it will help you make a decision. :hug::muah:
10-16-2007, 02:33 AM
First, let me say I feel for you in your current situation. It cannot be easy to discover that the man you married and invested more than two years of your life with has changed his mind on such an important point. He may not understand it is a deal breaker, but I completely empathize with your sentiment. For me, it would be an absolute deal breaker if my partner were to suddenly WANT kids. I have made it abundantly clear that I will remain childless for the rest of my life and that anyone who shares my life intimately must do so as well. It is completely non-negotiable. I'm not meant to be a mother and I embrace that. My current (and hopefully for life) partner is equally as adamant that we remain childless. He had a very tragic experience as a teenager that has colored his idea of parenthood forever. He doesn't want to go down that road and I concur with that decision.
It would also really royally piss me off if my partner tried to get a therapist to change my mind or change who I was fundamentally. In fact, that in itself would just about do in the relationship.
So I say all that to say this: I wish you good luck in life. You seem to know exactly what you want and are mature enough to realize that sacrifices must be made to achieve your dreams. I hope everything turns out as you wish it to.
10-16-2007, 04:25 AM
Jamiejeans, IMO, behavior trumps all. I don't particularly care what a person tells me; I am more interested in what they do or have done. Repetitive behavior tells me more about their beliefs and traits than any words they can carelessly say. We play games with ourselves and words are a good way to cover up what we really feel. But I think behavior "outs" people's real thoughts and desires in the end, no matter how much they want to fool themselves or others. We do have to choose to trust what people say from time to time. But only when altered behavior follows those words is trust and stability restored. A thief who constantly promises to stop stealing but continues to steal hasn't changed anything. Perhaps you are not sure whether his former words (of wanting children) are true, or this more recent refusal to have children is true. In any case, it's important that you think about how he was willing to end two previous marriages over this issue, and then ask yourself which set of words is backed up by past behavior.
10-17-2007, 07:43 PM
All I can offer is lots of :hug:, and just hang in there! I am sure everything will work out for you!!
10-17-2007, 09:39 PM
oh Jamie, I'm sorry :hug:. I really don't have any advice but just wanted to say I'm sorry. I really hope you can get through this with your husband. I know I would be devastated if this happened.
You know I'm really close by, so if you ever just want to get a coffee or lunch or just knit, drop me a line. :hug:
10-18-2007, 02:43 PM
I'm glad you're working with a counselor, and sorry that you're going through this. I didn't quite figure out if your DH is also going to a counselor on his own or not. Either way, I'm surprised/disappointed for you that he didn't think that changing his mind would matter to you.
In your shoes, I'd be thinking hard about this, and probably leaning toward ending the relationship since, as you've said, having kids is important to you. I'm at a stage in my life where I could go either way (10 years ago, I would have walked away - at almost-37, I'm not ready to say "no kids ever", but I'm also no longer saying "must have kids"). Still, if a partner had started out saying one thing and then changed without discussion, I'd be really miffed. And hurt and disappointed.