View Full Version : marriage/relationship advice

12-11-2007, 10:43 AM
My dh have been married for over 7 years (it will be 8 years in April).
I love him and he is my best friend. However, lately, it's like we are in a rut. Nothing is really wrong (we almost never fight), but its like we are just going through the motions. We never talk anymore. I mean, sure, there's "What do you want for dinner?", "Need me to pick up anything at the store?".... But, it seems we don't have conversations anymore. How do we get out of this? Go on a vacation? Start having "date nights"?

Our lease is up in May and I've even thought of suggesting that we move to town where there is more stuff going on. We live out in the country and we don't have any kids. No kids, yet...

Any advice that y'all could give would be most appreciated.

12-11-2007, 11:02 AM
Not having the experience of living with my partner yet. We're engaged but I'm not moving in with him till February. I would say that having "date nights" out is a good idea. Go out to see a movie or a nice resturant for a cosy meal. Or do both the same night.

12-11-2007, 11:15 AM
I have been married 13 years and we have been dating since our junior year in HS almost 20 years ago! Date nights would definitely help! Or a vacation now and again. But you can do little things too...one thing that we do is set my alarm 20 minutes earlier than his so we can snuggle up for those 20 minutes. That way we can still get our sleep in and at the same time feel that we are close. :heart:

Have you talked to him about it? What did he say?

12-11-2007, 11:28 AM
My dh is the most un-morning person that you will ever meet. Setting the alarm 20 minutes early wouldn't be a good idea.
I would like it, though...

He was the one that brought it up. I was thinking the same thing though...

12-11-2007, 11:55 AM
do stuff that you both have not done before...go dating ...try taking couple messaging class... taking a vacation trip ...hope all went well for you and your dh...

12-11-2007, 12:16 PM
The best thing in the world is making time to do things that the other one likes to do.

I go golfing with my dh, and he shops with me (okay, he likes to do that too, so that's kind of cheating!). Having things in common to talk about will really help. Read the same book so you can talk about it, go to a play or a lecture, take up a new hobby that you both want to know more about. Dh and I have started watching Heroes together every Monday.

Volunteer together.

The greatest drag on a marriage is the boring. When you get to a point where you feel like you know every story...and hearing about their day at work doesn't even remotely interest you (dh worked for awhile as a manager at a shoe store. Who knew I would be so bored listening to stories about shoes?)

So...create things for you to talk about that will interest both of you.

It's worth it.

12-11-2007, 12:24 PM
Yeah, that's how I got into baseball. Dh is a huge Houston Astros fan, so I started asking a bunch of questions. Now its something we enjoy watching together. But that doesn't start again until April.
Maybe we can start going to hockey games...

12-11-2007, 12:58 PM
My DH and I always have a nice snuggle in bed and talk before we go to sleep :heart: It's one of my favourite times of the day :heart:

12-11-2007, 01:16 PM
Date night sound like a great place to start. Another idea is take a class of some sort. My bro and sil starting taking a kickboxing class together once the realized they were in that same rut. They both really enjoy it and it gives them something to do and talk about. Of course it wouldn't have to be kickboxing.

12-11-2007, 01:30 PM
Thanks for all the advice. I've been online this morning doing some research about things that we could do together.

12-11-2007, 01:55 PM
I guess my hubby and I are really lucky we have't got to that bit yet.

We right post it notes to each other and leave them around the house. Do the odd little suprise for each other, nothing that cost a lot or anything, just something really simple.

I think Date night is a nice idea, once a week hubby and rent a film, turn the phone off and have a evening just to ourselves. Like you we have no children (unless you include the cat and Dalek in which case we have 2!)

Hope you find something that works for you.

12-11-2007, 02:05 PM
Does he knit? :roflhard:

Seriously, date night is good, so is guys night or girls night. I don't know how much time you spend together, but sometimes getting out with your friends is important too.

Also, Nobones suggestion is good. When you act as though you are in that romantic stage, buying flowers, leaving notes, text "I miss you's" to one another randomly, leave love letters around the house, etc. you have a tendancey to start believing it, and getting back on track.

I like the idea of volunteering together, or taking day trips with one another. Get a book of questions (http://genforum.genealogy.com/cgi-bin/pageload.cgi?hugh,miller::miller::19299.html) there are plenty out there with differnt topics, and use those.

12-11-2007, 02:16 PM
My DH and I started playing card games a couple of weeks ago-its really fun and it almost felt like we were dating again (we've been together for 15 years!!). Any kind of game would work, cards or otherwise.

We do have kids so we almost never go out-good luck! You've gotten some great advice here. Sure would be nice if he decided to take up knitting, eh?? :teehee:

12-11-2007, 02:35 PM
I was going to suggest the same thing Jaxhil said. Card games or board games. You kinda have to talk to each other then.

My husband and I have also been together for almost 15 years (it'll be 15 next month) and every now and then, during a conversation, I'll still find out things I didn't know about him.

12-11-2007, 02:52 PM
I agree 100% with the date nights. DH and I went through a similar type rut recently and the date nights really worked. It doesn't have to be anything big or elaborate; just take a walk together in the evening, go get ice cream, or even go to the mall and people watch! :teehee:

Just find ways to enjoy each other - and if you both make the effort, it will work.

Good luck! :hug:

12-11-2007, 03:01 PM
My hubby and I play board games together, and we also read to each other. We alternate who gets to pick the book and that person reads it, then it's the next person's turn. Sounds silly, but we have a great time!

12-11-2007, 03:06 PM
We are going to go to a minor league hockey game Friday night.
The NHL team plays too far away.
I found the schedule online and asked him if he wanted to go.
He sounded surprised that I suggested it and happy that I wanted to go. He likes hockey. I know nothing about it. Except that it is violent...

12-11-2007, 03:12 PM
Hockey games are super fun! Especially when they fight right in front of you.

Do you have highschools around you? Go to a highschool football game! Have a picnic dinner in your backyard one night and no talking about work or "adult stuff" you are only allowed to talk about things you thought when you were a kid....you know like if you were turning in circles you would have to unwind before you could do something else. Or you thought the easter bunny was the first cousin of the white rabbit in Alice and Wonderland. :teehee:

12-11-2007, 03:35 PM
My mom has often said that around year 7 or so is very difficult in a marriage. If you work at it, though, I've seen a lot of marriages survive year 7.

One weekly newsletter I subscribe to was talking about these this week: http://tabletopics.com/ Maybe something like that would get you started in talking to each other?

12-11-2007, 04:14 PM
I wouldn't call what we are going through difficult. Just some speed bumps really. I think one of our problems is that we talk about doing things, getting together with people, etc... but then one talks the other into just staying home.

12-11-2007, 07:14 PM
We started listening to audiobooks together. That way we don't have to talk, I can knit and he can paint, and we can just be. It ends up that we pause sometimes to have long conversations about what is going on or just thoughts that cross our mind while listening. It's been a night saver!

12-11-2007, 07:19 PM
My parents have always made certain to make time to go out together, either just as a couple or with friends. It helped that my grandparents are all in town, and also that their friends almost all have friends our age so they could have a night out by sending all of us to the basement at one house and having dinner and a movie or games. My dad loves to travel and loves fall foliage so he often takes my mom for a weekend in the fall up at a B&B in Wisconsin. Mom. Sometimes he comes home from work (particularly as my bro and I got older and worked through the ages of staying home alone and going out alone), and just picks her up and takes her to dinner. We do all of this as a family, too, but the important thing is that they make time to do things themselves, and my dad doesn't let my mom (who is a little to worried about the dusty furniture, or things being a bit disorderly) protest until they just stay home so she can clean house.
The great thing is, you don't even have to leave the house to "go out together." The date night idea sounds like a wonderful plan.
Also make time to do things seperately. Have girls night/guys night, take a class in something (this is something you can do together, too, if you share interests), and then when you finish, you can tell each other about it (or not).

12-12-2007, 11:29 AM
One thing we do is talk about current events. I read strange news stories, tell him about them, and we discuss them. It keeps us up on news, lets us see each others opinions (even if they are different), and gives us a way to keep having conversations that we had back when we were in college. Sometimes it hard to go out when money is tight or you're both tired from working long hours. So this is an easy way to stay connected.

12-12-2007, 09:51 PM
Have you tried cooking together? My DH started cooking about a year ago and loves it. He is more throw-things-in-a-pan and I am more go-by-the-recipe but our style really complement each other. Food stimulates so many senses and can be a terrific shared experience.

We are also big fans of date night. It sounds like you are on the right track with the hockey games. Good luck!