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View Full Version : What to do when a friend constantly copies you


*KnitPixie*
12-16-2007, 01:17 AM
I know that when someone copies you alot its suppossed to be the best form of flattery but how do you tell them without hurting their feelings that it is F$%*#@ annoying..pardon the french but it has been going on for a long time and for the most part I try to ignore it..but since I spend alot of time with this person it is unavoidable:hair: :grrr: :wall: :mad: :hmm: :pout: :verysad:
and all those bad feelings I am feeling like right now. I mean I just want said person to get their own frickin identity, ya know be themselves.. HELP ANY ADVICE

Jan in CA
12-16-2007, 02:53 AM
I'm not sure how old you are, but it's not uncommon among young people. One of my daughters especially used to complain about this girl who would often buy the same dress/blouse/shoes/CD, etc.

If this girl is truly your friend I suggest you talk to her calmly and explain how it makes you feel. Let her know that while it's flattering you would like to have your own identity and that you are uncomfortable with all the copying. See how that goes and if things don't change you may have make a decision to either live with it or distance yourself.

:hug::hug::hug:

*KnitPixie*
12-16-2007, 04:50 AM
I am 23 years old.. So one would think that would be old enough to have your own identity right?!:???: See I never really copied people I always just bought what I liked regardless of what people thought ya know. Even though I used to be shy I still knew what I liked and had my own preferences and whatnot. See said person is in denial because if I confront her she changes it around to make it look like it was a coincidence or acts innocent and sad to make me feel like Im being a brat when I am truly not:hmm: like when we were younger she supposedly just didnt like the shades of the other compacts blue and purple because I picked pink and she grabbed it so I opted for the purple..then not too long ago on a trip I pick out a pink hoodie (I love hoodies and its becoming a hobby of mine to collect them when we travel )and anyways she picks the same one up pretending not to notice I picked it up "oh how cute"she says as if its the first time she sees it:noway: ( which is bull but anyway) then when I get the least huffy she says something like this "Oh I didnt know you wanted it if your gonna get it I'll put mine back then scowls at the shelves hinting well I really wanted one but I dont like anything else so I guess I wont get any, WHAT A GUILT TRIP not even the blue one which is exactly the same, then I feel bad and get the blue ..whats wrong with that you ask..I dont want to be a freakin bopsy twin when we are both adults!! I mean its not a friendship sweater for pete's sake:teehee: I guess what I am trying to say is I am sick of picking my next best choice because I grew a mini-me over the course of our friendship:wall: There is many more situations but I shall leave it at that for now...
Please help I love my friend but she gets under my skin with that whole bit:gah:

cristina61
12-16-2007, 06:07 AM
Hi KnitPixie,

I have to say I think your friend is being a bit passive-aggressive and using that to try to manipulate you. I mean, in the example you gave, that guilt trip as you said and making you feel bad -- she succeeded in getting you to do just what she wanted, and since her strategy worked she'll probably use it again and again.

You can try talking to her as Jan suggested (communication is always a good thing!), but I also think that if you stop paying attention to her little pouting routine, just pretend that everything is fine, keep smiling and talking to her as if nothing had happened, then after awhile she should get the message that you're not going to be manipulated anymore!

It could be that a sincere discussion and the realization that you're not going to play this little game anymore will help your friend wake up and maybe grow up a little bit. If you do your best to make it clear to her how you feel and she keeps behaving this way, I would really start to wonder how good a friend she is and if you really need to be around her.

I hope you and your friend can work things out -- but please don't let her continue to manipulate you!

Good luck!

janettle
12-16-2007, 09:28 AM
Whew, I'm not sure this is just a young person's problem. When I was growing up, we had a family that copied our family, even to the extent of selling their house and moving to the same street where we had just built a new house. Unreal. I think the source of the copying was the mother, and I remember it being the topic of numerous heated discussions. I wish I had a solution. It is a very vexing problem. In our case, finding ways to distance ourselves seemed to be the only thing that really worked.

Editing to add one more note about the copying family: Their children have grown up to create families that are obviously dysfunctional, so this copying behavior is definitely not flattery, but a symptom of a very real problem.

nonny2t
12-16-2007, 10:03 AM
Ok, because this is an adult and not a child or teen or my advice would be totally different I have an idea. In this case, my advice is to turn the tables on her a bit. First off, go shopping with her and pick something absolutely positively ghastly that you hate. Let her pick the same thing, then return it buy something you like and when she wears the thing you hated thinking you will be in the same thing or whatever just tell her up front you did it to see what she would do and now you see that she is purposely just buying what you buy and that it is not just an accident or whatever her excuse is. Tell her you appreciate the fact she thinks you have good taste and all, but that it has become embarrassing having the twin act all the time. She isn't a child/teen but an adult and if she is that clueless and keeps it up, I may distance myself from her. If you have exhausted all means of communication with regards to this, then as one of the others said, she enjoys manipulating you and that is no friend.

auburnchick
12-16-2007, 11:00 AM
Hmmm...

The first thing I see is that your friend obviously admires you. You seem to be a person who marches to the beat of your own drummer. This is a trait that most people admire...especially if they don't have the courage to be "different." Are there other things in your life that she looks to you for as well? Your faith? Your funny personality? Do you have an easy time making friends? Does she have other friends besides you?

There's got to be some underlying reason why she's holding onto you so tightly. It sounds like y'all have been friends for quite a while. Perhaps you're even roommates?

Have you tried creating some distance between you? Perhaps encouraging her to develop another hobby...that you're not involved with?

I don't know...this is so tough. I don't believe in brushing people off...which you don't seem to believe in either, or else you would have been out of this friendship a long time ago. But, you are not responsible for her emotional well-being...to the extent that it affects you so much. It's a fine line to walk.

It sounds like she isn't going to change anytime soon. You need to make a decision. What is the friendship worth? Are her annoying habits so distracting from the friendship that lies underneath that you need to end it...at least temporarily.

If you've been friends for a long time, one would think that you could sit down and talk to her. Now, she may not choose to "hear" you, but you need to be honest with her. You could decide to give yourself some space from her. The nice thing would be to sit her down and explain why, rather than giving her the cold shoulder without an explanation. She might not understand at that moment, but she may come to understand it later. That's up to her and whether she's mature enough to grow. Again, that's not up to you.

Another option would be to avoid the situations in which she copies you. Go shopping by yourself or with a different friend. However, I realize that this probably won't totally solve the problem, because she could decide to buy what you came back with.

No easy answers. You're probably finding yourself withdrawing from her gradually...not sharing information with her in fear that she'll jump on the bandwagon too. If that's happening, the communication will wither down to the point where you're not really sharing who you are (because sharing our interests and latest buys are the things that make up our life). Then can you really call it a friendship?

:hug:

Not easy...I'll pray for you.

iza
12-16-2007, 11:02 AM
:teehee: I think your idea is really good, nonny2t! Hopefully that would make her realize she has no idea what she likes and who she is. At 23 years old... I would agree it's a sign that something is wrong.

Maybe it could be a good idea too to reasurre her as well. Tell her would still like her if her tastes were different, if you didn't like the same movies/clothes/music/etc. I think sometimes people do that to make sure they are accepted. :shrug:

knitncook
12-16-2007, 11:05 AM
I had a friend years ago who would do that. Her "favorite color" changed to whatever it was that I was getting. We would go to the mall and find a great deal on something. She would wait for me to select whatever it was and then she would pick the same one. I finally told her that she could get it, but I was tired of looking like I was carrying around a "My Twin Doll" everywhere I went. She would always say, "Oh this is my FAVORITE color!" That's interesting. Just yesterday your favorite color was purple and today it is blue!

If you like here otherwise I would say something. I'd just tell her how frustrating it is that she always seems to be copying you and that you feel she would be happier discovering what she really likes rather than copying what you like. And I'd never let her guilt me into buying something less than what I wanted origionally.

Jan in CA
12-16-2007, 12:22 PM
Okay, now that I know she is not 15 I can see where this is getting really old! However, it seems to me that she's very insecure in her own choices and for various reasons she has attached herself to you. She may feel you're prettier/smarter/more popular or whatever and in some way feels that by being like you will bring her the same thing. We know this doesn't make sense, but psych issues often don't.

You could try what Nonny2 suggested to make her see what is going on, but based on what you said I think she knows. She just can't help herself. You might try the shopping thing and help her to find her own best look, the colors that look best on her. Maybe you could both take one of those classes that help people find the colors/style they look best in. Of course if she has the same coloring/body type as you this may not work. I don't think there are any easy answers. You have to decided how much effort you want to put into this relationship. :hug:

*KnitPixie*
12-16-2007, 06:24 PM
She may feel you're prettier/smarter/more popular or whatever and in some way feels that by being like you will bring her the same thing. We Maybe you could both take one of those classes that help people find the colors/style they look best in. Of course if she has the same coloring/body type as you this may not work.
I know she always says I am prettier and skinnier than her but I tell her were both pretty in different ways and compliment her good points..I have also tried helping her find the color and style clothing that looks best on her when we shop and she buys them but that doesn't prevent her from getting what I get the only thing that does is size. Well I guess I will think about it and let it brew and then tal;k to her appropriately. However, I will not get my next best choice anymore cause I DO believe she likes getting her own way:nails: which is so grade school anyway I am too sensitive to just cut someone out of my life. Well one of the current thing is ravelry which was my secret place because as auburn chick said you begin to hide things in fear of copying. I never post my FO's on KH because I know she'll copy(this strongly bothers me as she can be done with it before me even though I started it first due to a condition I have) so I was ecstatic when ravelry started, I thought I could secretly display my hard work, then she found out about it from here ( she occasionally goes on and no I dont care if she reads this) and looked me up became my friend on there seen a sock pattern I been desperately despite pain trying to get done for my gram for christmas and started them right away. When I confronted her asked her what shes making she said wrist warmers, I said can I see the pattern, "oh I dont have one I made it up"( which is funny cause she has trouble understanding already made up patterns) but anyway so I say its cute it really looks like my sock..hint hint..she replies I know its weird:noway: Liar but her pattern she was working from on her laptop was the same as the sock pattern even down to the turn heel which only belong to socks, I am not stupid and since she never made socks I know she didnt make up the same pattern as Judy sumner lol but I say nuthin and get furious and upset all at the same time. It hurts though when she does this because she knows I have been struggling to get these done so she thinks I'm dumb enough to believe their wrist warmers and I watch her complete 1/2 of what I have done in one day compared to my 15 or more days of labor grr..so insensitive and not to mention completely unoriginal..Now if she reads this before I confront her she will finish them and to avoid a fight pretend they were a surpriuse for me ( putting on the guilt trip) in the first place or she'll rip them apart and say her pattern didnt work out or shell try to make them and I dont care what else she does with them..she can shove em where the sun dont shine for all I care..I am fed up with it all..Thanks for hearing me vent I really need to get it all out:muah: :hug: :muah: :hug:

Jan in CA
12-16-2007, 08:29 PM
This relationship doesn't really sound like it's worth it anymore, hon. It's making your life more stressful and I'm sure you don't need that. Think seriously about distancing yourself...it won't stop her, but you won't have see what she's doing. And don't let her think you are dumb and can't figure out what she's doing. :fingerwag:

auburnchick
12-16-2007, 08:53 PM
Ok. Now I'm getting mad. Aimee, I :heart: you dearly. You and I are buds now. When I care about someone, I get all motherly.

I realize that you are very kind. However, you should be able to live your own life. I feel upset because you're not posting FO's because of your friend. That, my dear, is not right. I feel deprived of the pleasure of seeing your hard work. You should not live your life like that. It's not healthy. It's a form of control that, although (perhaps) unintended, is being allowed to continue.

You need to separate yourself from her. The fact that you are airing this in such a public arena, where you know she's probably going to read it, is a loud cry for change.

Perhaps you are being too nice. I know...what would Jesus do? He would love her. Is it possible that you can just love her and still live your life the way you want. Perhaps love her from a distance?

How healthy is this for you and your future fiance (or dh?). Not very. Life is stressful enough. You certainly don't need it with what you go through already. It only aggravates your symptoms. In fact, it's the leading cause, I'll guarantee it.

I suggest that you pray (I'm sure you have done this already), but really pray for a resolution. God can move mountains, and this sounds like Mt. Everest.

Now, take a deep breath, sit up straight, tighten up that backbone, and don't take this anymore. Please don't make me have to take a trip where you are and do it for you. Just ask my dd. I've had to be held back before when someone was going after her on the soccer field. Don't mess with my babies.

:heart: you, dear. You're a sweet thing who deserves friends who don't feel the need to compete with your assertive, creative, kind ways.

:hug:

LilHuskiesFootBallMom
12-16-2007, 11:00 PM
I had someone like that in my life once, i stopped associating with her... it was getting rediculous:

i grew my hair out, she did the same.

I picked crochet back up, she tried (and failed miserably... she comes from a family of knitters but decided that wasn't good enough)

we got pregnant, she decided she and her hubby needed to be ASAP.

we bought a house, She became a royal <enter term of choice here> to her dh until they got one too (in a REALLY BAD part of town too because that was all they could afford in that city).

I went back to school, she went back to school.

Doing the mom thing is easy for me, next thing she's trying to be miss suzy homemaker and keeps comparing my styles to hers and refers to me (in front of my and her kids) as "the professional mommy" in THAT snotty tone that makes you want to backhand them across the face because you can tell it's one of those backhanded compliments.

we'd go and play D&D (dungeons and dragons) and she'd get JELOUS that her dh and I would think about the different obstacles the same way. Her dh comes over here and she's calling EVERY HALF HOUR.

She kept comparing our kids, saying how great hers were (they're absolute terrors.. she, her dh whom MY dh has been friends with since college, and their son were here for dinner, the little brat kept putting his feet ON THE TABLE and kicking his dishes because we don't allow kids to eat in the livingroom at dinnertime in front of the TV... he then decided after dinner to stomp all over my kids actionf igures and BROKE THEM. No appologies, no punishments, NADA) and kept criticizing mine.

For the sake of all of us, we no longer associate with her or the kids. Dh sees the hubby at work and talks to him all the time.


She made everything into a competition. the more she tried and got snotty about things, the more i'd laugh. I told my dh that apparently she thinks we're in a competition and that I'm wining given how she's been treating her dh and kids (nothing is good enough) so apparently for me it's not a competition.

Tell the girl that although you're flattered, she needs to let the world see who she really is and while you're willing to help, you really don't need a clone.

Knitting_Guy
12-16-2007, 11:31 PM
Tell her you're going to jump off a high bridge and hope she beats you to it.

*KnitPixie*
12-16-2007, 11:37 PM
Ok. Now I'm getting mad. Aimee, I :heart: you dearly. You and I are buds now. When I care about someone, I get all motherly.

I realize that you are very kind. However, you should be able to live your own life. I feel upset because you're not posting FO's because of your friend. That, my dear, is not right. I feel deprived of the pleasure of seeing your hard work. You should not live your life like that. It's not healthy. It's a form of control that, although (perhaps) unintended, is being allowed to continue.

You need to separate yourself from her. The fact that you are airing this in such a public arena, where you know she's probably going to read it, is a loud cry for change.

Perhaps you are being too nice. I know...what would Jesus do? He would love her. Is it possible that you can just love her and still live your life the way you want. Perhaps love her from a distance?

How healthy is this for you and your future fiance (or dh?). Not very. Life is stressful enough. You certainly don't need it with what you go through already. It only aggravates your symptoms. In fact, it's the leading cause, I'll guarantee it.

I suggest that you pray (I'm sure you have done this already), but really pray for a resolution. God can move mountains, and this sounds like Mt. Everest.

Now, take a deep breath, sit up straight, tighten up that backbone, and don't take this anymore. Please don't make me have to take a trip where you are and do it for you. Just ask my dd. I've had to be held back before when someone was going after her on the soccer field. Don't mess with my babies.

:heart: you, dear. You're a sweet thing who deserves friends who don't feel the need to compete with your assertive, creative, kind ways.

:hug:
I :heart: you dearly too Nathalie:muah: :hug: Thanks for all your kind words and advise. I am going to let it brew for a couple of days think about exactly what I want to say and continue to work on my sock anyway. I will not let my spirits get down, I deserve better than that! Well my fiance tells me I do:teehee: Oh and I am definitely going to start posting my FO's on here anyway and telling the details to my fellow knitting friends on ravelry as well. I will try to relax to keep the stress levels down..I have already relaxed today for a start to my Christmas break.. My fiance and I slept in and when we woke up we went out to get something to eat, and then came home and I made 6 sets of stitch markers while watching our netflix:happydance: . Should I post my stitch marker pictures as well in FO's or is it only for knitted and crocheted things? Hmm..we shall see Well thanks for everything and your hat on ravelry looks great!!I'm glad you liked the yarn:wink:

*KnitPixie*
12-16-2007, 11:38 PM
Tell her you're going to jump off a high bridge and hope she beats you to it.
Mason your too much:teehee:

auburnchick
12-17-2007, 12:06 AM
I'll bet Mason doesn't have any clones, eh? At least not for long. :teehee:

Aimee, post those stitch markers. They are darling, and you deserve the attention they'll get. We all need to feel good, and this is the perfect place for that.

Post those socks too!!!!!

:muah:

LilHuskiesFootBallMom
12-17-2007, 01:18 AM
you know... i was thinking about it for a bit while knitting... you stated that she always says you're skinnier/prettier/etc and you end up telling her that you're both pretty in different ways...

I think that she has such a low opinion of herself that she constantly needs to fish for compliments (perfect example is what you stated) and since you more than likely get compliments with your taste in clothing/knitting/etc she's using you to fish for compliments about herself... however, since she's decided to be your clone (an episode of Lizzie McGuire comes to mind... thank my kids for it LOL) all they're really doing is complimenting you.

To your clone: Hon, i HIGHLY encourage you to start branching out and trying new things, even if they seem a bit intimidating at first. Give people the chance to know the real you. First you must love yourself. If there's something you don't like about yourself, then change it. Don't go and say that you have no control, no one really has control over many of the things that happen to them in life, what they do have control over is how they have chosen to allow those things to affect them. I'm sure once people start seeing the real you, you'll find out how wonderful of a person you truly are.

*KnitPixie*
12-17-2007, 02:47 AM
you know... i was thinking about it for a bit while knitting... you stated that she always says you're skinnier/prettier/etc and you end up telling her that you're both pretty in different ways...

I think that she has such a low opinion of herself that she constantly needs to fish for compliments (perfect example is what you stated) and since you more than likely get compliments with your taste in clothing/knitting/etc she's using you to fish for compliments about herself... however, since she's decided to be your clone (an episode of Lizzie McGuire comes to mind... thank my kids for it LOL) all they're really doing is complimenting you.

To your clone: Hon, i HIGHLY encourage you to start branching out and trying new things, even if they seem a bit intimidating at first. Give people the chance to know the real you. First you must love yourself. If there's something you don't like about yourself, then change it. Don't go and say that you have no control, no one really has control over many of the things that happen to them in life, what they do have control over is how they have chosen to allow those things to affect them. I'm sure once people start seeing the real you, you'll find out how wonderful of a person you truly are.
So well put. I love the message to my friend I just want her to be herself after all that is why I ended up liking her in the first place. I mean I don't wanna be best friends with myself persay:teehee: I :heart: 'ed her for being her

DQ
12-17-2007, 10:36 AM
I've not got any advice but :hug::hug::hug::hug: to you. I hope you manage to get the situation resolved soon so you aren't stressed anymore :hug:

auburnchick
12-17-2007, 11:34 AM
:heart: 'ed her for being her

Take your friend to lunch (minus the shopping) and share this with her. I think what you wrote was poignant. Maybe write it in a card. Yes, now that I think about it, writing things down has a totally different affect than listening to someone talk, face-to-face.

She can't argue what's on paper, and she'll re-read your words over and over. Plus, writing allows you to think about what you want to say first, unlike having a regular conversation where we say things we can't take back.

:hug:

*KnitPixie*
12-17-2007, 01:39 PM
Thanks Nat a letter is in the works:teehee:

Lucy78green
12-17-2007, 02:56 PM
I had a friend like that once who turned on the waterworks if she was confronted, she also used to spread lies about herself and others and her stories had to be better than yours or more elaborate. I felt sorry for her as she was just trying to be popular, but at the end of the day I'm not a psychiatrist. I now keep minimal contact, never tell her anything personal and I never go shopping with her.

GinnyG
12-17-2007, 05:09 PM
I've been reading this post for a couple days and every time I read it I wonder WHY???? Why are you even worrying about keeping this friend in your life??

My advice, old and jaded as it is, is STOP putting yourself in positions where this can happen. Stop shopping with her, stop showing her what you are doing. Stop allowing her to have that kind of control in your life. There is nothing positive for you in this realationship, she is not a friend she is more like a parasite sucking your life out of you.

Sounds harsh I know but you can distance yourself from this person in a kind way if YOU chose to. If you allow it to continue it's your fault.

*KnitPixie*
12-17-2007, 09:05 PM
Ginny I guess I put up with it because I feel bad for her. I mean she has no other friends and I feel that without me and my fiance's friendship she would be a withdrawn, severely lonely individual..I mean she has a depression problem and I don't want that to escalate because of me turning away from her alltogether ya know?!

GinnyG
12-18-2007, 06:47 AM
I'm talking to you like I would my own daughter (she's 23 too)!!! You cannot be responsible for another persons happiness. You can be kind and caring and try to be a friend but there comes a point in time when you must step back and let that person stand on their own while YOU take care of yourself.

This person is not a friend and I am not advocating being mean or cruel but I do think you need to take care of yourself and perhaps she will realize that her actions have consequences. You are carrying the burden of her issues and that is just wrong, wrong for you and for her.

As someone said in an eaarlier post you are not her psychiatrist. As long as you enable the behavior she will not get the help she needs and you will make yourself miserable.

ArtLady1981
12-18-2007, 07:26 AM
Ok, because this is an adult and not a child or teen or my advice would be totally different I have an idea. In this case, my advice is to turn the tables on her a bit. First off, go shopping with her and pick something absolutely positively ghastly that you hate. Let her pick the same thing, then return it buy something you like and when she wears the thing you hated thinking you will be in the same thing or whatever just tell her up front you did it to see what she would do and now you see that she is purposely just buying what you buy and that it is not just an accident or whatever her excuse is. Tell her you appreciate the fact she thinks you have good taste and all, but that it has become embarrassing having the twin act all the time. She isn't a child/teen but an adult and if she is that clueless and keeps it up, I may distance myself from her. If you have exhausted all means of communication with regards to this, then as one of the others said, she enjoys manipulating you and that is no friend.

I love what Nonny said...make a little game out of it...select something ghastly, let her buy it too...then return yours later! Tee Hee! :teehee: That is rich!

Also, another good point Nonny made...Some people-combinations are 'toxic'. Poisonous to one, or both. A little distance maybe? Yes. Accept 1 out of every 3 invitations to do something together. Say yes one time, say no the next 2 times.

But, I still love the shopping thing! Please let us know if you try that! :woot:

Trippy
12-19-2007, 02:17 AM
Tell her to back off and get over herself.
...
'Yknow, the amount of friends I still have astounds me.
I'm sorry. My advice fails.

auburnchick
12-19-2007, 09:30 AM
My step-father used to tell me that you can count the number of close friends on one hand. Hmmm...I can count mine on two or three fingers (not counting y'all, of course! ;) )

Sandi
12-22-2007, 11:18 PM
I think you need to tell her exactly that, "grow up and get your own life".
I think the shopping thing could be fun though. Just a litle payback for the tourture you have been going through......
But that's just my :evil: sence of humor, kicking in.

You don't have to mean or feel guilty, and the reason she may not have any other friends is because this has happened with everyone else. But if you have tried to explain to her how you feel and nothing has changed, then it may be time to just cut youtr losses.