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katiebug081504
01-20-2008, 12:21 AM
So, tonight I feel like crap because I know I upset my dad horibbly. I'm his middle daughter, his little girl, and the one he has faith in to have a huge and successful career. Out of the family, him and I are the most alike..so we have formed a special bond over the years. I'm his little "pumpkin".

Well, this past week my sister has had a few arguments with my parents. She and her fiance (they are getting married Sept 2008) are renting a townhouse together, so she is going to move in with him. All she does right now is basically sleep 6 hours at my parent's house, and the rest of the time she is at her fiance's. She called me crying the other night, explaing that she told my mom and dad that she was moving in with him. My dad refused to talk to her for awhile, but eventually told her she was making a mistake and was committing adultry. My sister called me and I told her that I support her decision to move in with her fiance and that I don't see a problem with it at all.

Tonight, I called my mom to check and see if I had any mail at home, and she said that my dad wanted to talk to me. Once he got on the phone he started questioning about my sister. I explained to him that I don't see anything wrong with her moving in with him and that we are living in a generation where it's not that big of a deal. He kept saying that she might end up pregnant and I told him that she is doing nothing to put herself in that situation. Then he told me that he hopes that I'm not doing anything to put myself in any undesirable situation while I'm still in college. I said "okay dad". He said, "oh does that mean that you are." I told him no, but I know I have dissappointed for not sharing his opinion about this. He said he feels like he upset me and I told him he did a little bit, so we got off the phone.

He hasn't called me back tonight. I feel like I should apologize for dissapointing him. I just wish he could understand that me and my sister have grown up, that my parents have raised us well, that we can make our own decisions, and that we won't always agree with him.

Thanks for listening...I really just need to vent and get some outside feedback on the situation.

auburnchick
01-20-2008, 12:32 AM
:hug:

Kate, it's so hard for kids to make the move out on their own, and for parents to accept that.

I am the mother of two teens. My daughter will turn 16 on Tuesday. We are constantly battling about her freedom and how that comes into play with our values (see my avatar).

If I were your father, I would also be upset about your sister moving in with her fiance. We (parents) shouldn't change our values just because "the whole world is doing it."

On the other hand, we can't be judgmental. It sounds like your dad is trying to come to terms with this. The fact that he asked about your sister means he hasn't written off the relationship.

It sounds like he is also concerned about where you stand. Perhaps you two haven't had this conversation before? Maybe y'all need to have a heart-to-heart. It sounds like your relationship is strong enough to handle that. He may not like what he hears, but at least he'll know where you stand on various issues, and he can come to terms with how he feels about that in his own time.

I don't think you necessarily need to apologize for "disappointing him." You may not have. I think you just need to talk to him about how you feel and how he feels.

One thing, though...you should not be the go-between with your sister and your dad. They really need to work things out themselves. It puts you in a bad position and creates the potential to stress the wonderful relationship you have with your father.

:hug: to you. I know it's tough. It doesn't seem like there's an easy answer here.

scout52
01-20-2008, 04:28 AM
I'm so sorry that you are going through this.

I have been through this EXACT same thing with my father. my father stopped talking to me when I moved in with my boyfriend. At least your sister is going to be marrying her fiance soon. He thought it was so wrong of me and I was angry at him for judging me so I really thought he wasn't in the position to judge as He had me when he was in high school. I wasn't pregnant and I was making sure that I wasn't going to get pregnant. If you are a good girl and are getting good grades then tell him that. If you don't want it to be his business then tell him that too. you are over 18 now and he has to respect you as an adult and it time you two figure out an adult relationship between the two of you. and that is going to be a difficult process.

once we figured that out it has been a great relationship and my father loves my boyfriend now and respects me. our relationship is better now than its ever been. we talk now more than we ever did when I was growing up and we are much closer now.

granted I was putting my self through school so that was not an issue so that may be for you. I don't know

good luck. I'm here if you need to talk

KnittingNat
01-20-2008, 08:51 AM
I agree with AuburnChick and Scout52 about having a straight forward talk with your father. I think you should make your position on these issues clear, after all you are an adult and entitled to your own views and opinions. The trouble with this kind of fathers is that they can't let go of their "little girl". They are in total denial that this girl is growing up and doesn't agree with daddy on some issues. My dad used to dislike all my boyfriends, even that I had the freedom to bring them over and they stayed over too. I was a good, responsible girl with good grades and over 18! but he just couldn't let go. One time we had a huge fight over this and i haven't talked to him for 2 weeks. After that he apologized to me (for the first time in my life) and realized that our relationship is more important than what i do with my boyfriends. When i met my DH he immediately bonded with him and had no issues about it! And now we have a great relationship, but he knows i have my own views.
I think you should advise your father to talk directly to your sister and straighten things out. Don't be the messenger or you'll get the crossfire. I understand that you care deeply about your father and your relationship, but you should be independent too.
:hug:
If you need - PM me :)

GinnyG
01-20-2008, 10:53 AM
AHHHH the parent child struggle is time immortal, isn't it!!! As children we want out parents unquestioning approval, as parents we want our children's unquestioning obedience and acceptance of our values and beliefs. Never quite works out that way!!
I agree with Nathalie, you FIRST need to stay completely OUT of the relationship and issues between your sister and your Dad. You need to come up with a "pat" line to give each (because it needs to be both way) when they try to drag you into their issues.

As the mother of a college age daughter I can honestly tell you that I don't always WANT to know exactly what she is doing. My daughter is very open with me about alot of things, which I guess is good. But there are somethings I really am better off not knowing.

There are issues that you know your Father feels strongly about and while I am not saying you should lie to him, you don't necessarily need to discuss them with him. Part of growing up is making your own choices and decisions, finding your own way in life. Growing up is NOT becoming a clone of your parent (much as sometimes we would like to have it that way).

Your Dad loves you and you will get past this. My advice is to listen to what he has to say, discuss with him the things you can but know that you will not always agree on everything. You need to let your Dad and your sister deal with their own relationship and make it clear you won't be caught in the middle.

iza
01-20-2008, 02:52 PM
I agree with everything that was said. In particular, don't be the person in between your sister and your dad. Your sister must explain to him that it's the right thing for her, he can agree with it or not, but it won't change anything to her decision. But you can't do it for her. There are moments in life when you have to tell your parents how things are going to be, and make them understand you respect their opinion, but you are not asking for it. It's hard on everyone, but in families where love and respect is present, everybody manage to focus on what's most important.

As far as having a good talk with your dad, I would say it depends. You already discussed it and you handled it well. It might be good to let him think about all this before you have another talk with him. If he does want to talk again, the most important thing to remember for both of you is that it's not about deciding who's right and who's wrong. It's about expressing feelings, and respecting each other.

Good luck!:hug:

jennylozano
01-20-2008, 04:21 PM
May I ask how old is your sister?

CountryKitty
01-20-2008, 09:03 PM
"...I know I have dissappointed for not sharing his opinion about this. He said he feels like he upset me and I told him he did a little bit, so we got off the phone.

He hasn't called me back tonight. I feel like I should apologize for dissapointing him...."

To me it sounds as though he was wanted to let you know he didn't want you to follow your sister's example, and trying to be delicate about it rather than demanding. It also sorta sounds as tho' he was just as afraid of driving a wedge between the 2 of you. Perhaps by not calling back, he was trying to avoid upsetting you further.

Why don't you call your Dad. Tell him that even though you don't always share his opinion, you love him very much and know that he loves you too. That you are glad that, even though talking about the subject was a little upsetting, you are glad that the 2 of you were able to talk a little bit.

katiebug081504
01-21-2008, 01:41 AM
May I ask how old is your sister?
She's 22.

Thanks for your input everyone. Everytime I returned to read the messages, I ended up crying because all of you had such good advice. I had a nice big cry tonight for that..and many other stressful reasons. It's just nice to know that there is a place to come to to get perspectives from different ages!

auburnchick
01-21-2008, 02:15 AM
:hug:

katiebug081504
01-21-2008, 11:54 PM
I called home today and my dad answered. When I asked for my mom he said "You don't want to talk to me?" We talked for awhile and the subject never came up..although I did try desperately to avoid it. I talked to him about opening my etsy store and he said he was proud of me, so maybe he isn't as mad as I thought?

auburnchick
01-21-2008, 11:59 PM
I called home today and my dad answered. When I asked for my mom he said "You don't want to talk to me?" We talked for awhile and the subject never came up..although I did try desperately to avoid it. I talked to him about opening my etsy store and he said he was proud of me, so maybe he isn't as mad as I thought?


:cheering:


I'm so glad!

The.Knitter
01-22-2008, 12:32 AM
Perhaps your Dad is suffering from "empty nest syndrome". It's hard on parents when their "children" all of a sudden are adults and don't rely on them any more for everything in life. The "little people" that used to be our every waking thought, and around which our every decision centered, are grown and gone to lives of their own and have left an empty hole in our lives that is often times quite hard to fill.

Perhaps your Dad's problem with your sister is that he feels he was not involved in her decision and/or no longer feels very involved in her life? Perhaps he seemed upset with you because he feared he would no longer feel he was very involved in your life as well? Perhaps he fears he will loose you both. Perhaps he is lonely for the "good old days" of noise and laughter and phones ringing and typical kid noises, people dropping in to visit and siblings squabbling, and all the things that until recently made his home a home instead of just a house.

Sometimes it's hard to let go, and the habits of a lifetime are hard to change in just a few weeks or months!

As the song says....

:note: Where are you going my little one, pretty one?
Where are you going, my baby, my own?
Turn around and you're two, turn around and you're four,
Turn around and you're a young girl going out of my door!
Turn around, turn around...
Turn around and you're a young girl going out of my door! :note:

The older one gets the faster time seems to go, and it DOES sometimes feel like I just turned around (and sometimes perhaps I just blinked) and my little baby is a woman with babies of her own, a home and life of her own. Where DID the time go? AND to add insult to injury, now that I am older, life is slowing down and I have nothing better to do than spend time with the younger generation, they have no time to spend with me because they are busy with their lives, their homes and their children.

And so the circle goes 'round......

Dangles
01-22-2008, 01:08 AM
:hug:

scout52
01-22-2008, 02:35 PM
I'm sure you're Dad is really proud of you!! I think The.Knitter is right and your Dad is also going through empty nest. I always thought it would be my mom who would go through empty nest but it was my Dad that went through BAAAAD empty nest. You sound very mature with a very good head on your shoulders and it seems like your Dad sees that.

and he sounds like he really loves you when he seems sad when he thought you didin't want to talk to him!! that's wonderful!!

:hug: :hug: :hug:

Abbily
01-23-2008, 11:41 AM
Guess I'm coming to this a little late, but here's my 2 cents.

As you said, you are a grown-up now. One of the GOALS of adulthood is the ability to form your own well-reasoned opinions. You have obviously done that. Good job! As a parent, I can tell you that even though my GOAL is to raise my children to be able to do just that, that doesn't mean it's easy to let go of the process. I'm sure you haven't disappointed him- and if he was temporarily disappointed, he will soon come to realize that he has done what he set out to do- raised a smart child who is able to think for herself. I think your duty to your dad is to respect him and his opinions (which you obviously do!); it is not your duty to share his opinions. It's clear that he loves you very much, and is very proud of you- it's just hard to let go.

katiebug081504
01-23-2008, 10:12 PM
Thank you everyone for your advice. I've talked to my dad a few times since that night and everything seems to be fine!