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View Full Version : I need to vent a little


happyfingers
03-07-2008, 02:45 PM
Hi
I'm 43 I have 4 kids 15-6 and a husband.....I love my kids with all my heart and they are really good kids, but they are kids.....I have been married for 17 yrs this Aug and I'm so sorry I ever married this man....he will do nothing I MEAN NOTHING,:wall: but pay the bills...no housework , no rtake the kids out to do something with them I have to be there...well I have just started back to work because I was a stay at home mom...it amazes me how some men don't realize how you give of your self to take care of the home and the children:tap: ...They think that the are better because they pay the bills.....so wrong...I read the thread were the lady was talking about have just a few days to her self.....I need that but it's not happening......you know since I have started this job my husband gets home before me but will not make dinner. will not clean, will only wash his clothes forget anyone else:grrr: ...he tells my oldest which is my 15 yr old son who could not boil a cup of water to fix something.:roflhard: .....I try to make crock pot meals and all he has to do is turn it on and let it warm put the food on a plate........but will he oh no..how the h*$@ do we stay together I hear you say.......It is only for my kids.......I do not make enough to support them on my own......Now we don't fight basically I just act like he is not here...and I do things with my kids..but I need a break....thanks to all who listen

Nikkilc
03-07-2008, 03:04 PM
i think you need one of these :grphug:

auburnchick
03-07-2008, 03:09 PM
I'm so sorry. Marriage is difficult...especially when the other spouse does not help out. My husband had to start doing things when I went back to school. My kids also started doing more for themselves. I had to hold myself back and not do things...just so they would learn.

Anyhow, I totally understand. You have a load to carry, and he's not doing anything to help lighten the burden.

:hug:

HamaLee
03-07-2008, 03:16 PM
Big BIG BIIIIG :grphug:

Sounds like a tough transition time for you and I hope it gets better. Hopefully, like AuburnChick mentioned, with time they will figure out that they have to pitch in a bit if they want clean clothes and food. They are physically able to do it but it'll be hard for you to sit back and NOT do things for awhile. Good luck, vent often! :heart::hug:

fibrenut
03-07-2008, 03:32 PM
OOOO happy,
I soooo feel for ya hun!!!:hug: I too went through that with my EX!!!
I have 7 kids all within ten years age difference and nope he wouldn't help with the housework or the discipline. He would just go to work, come home, eat dinner n fall asleep in his easy chair. Then when I did say something, he would act like I had never mentioned it before. Bah- humbug!!!!!

I think the straw that broke the camels back was when I had to have emergency surgery to have my gall bladder removed (they had to do the full on operation not just the laparascopic one). So I was in the hospital for a week (talk about ahhhhh, peace n quiet). I get out of the hospital and it was just like nothing had happened. Hell I didn't even have my stitches out yet and was pretty much forced to work like there was nothing wrong with me. Can we say, what the hell?
Now at the time all my kids were under 14 and I had 3 under the age of 7 also. I had had enough. I knew that if I stuck around much longer my sanity and me would be like ummm, gone (as in not breathing gone). Talk about major depression.

So, (now don't ya'll go whippin out the tar n feathers here), I left. I didn't know where I was gonna live nor if I would have a decent job. Not to mention, the kids had a roof over their heads and their dad had a good job. So the kids stayed with their dad.
I said all that to say this, I don't know if you will make the same very hard decisions I did, or you will be able to work this out with your husband, but I do know what you are going through and just how hard it is. I stuck it out for 16 years before I finally said that's enough!!

As of today, I am remarried to a wonderful man who really, in my opinion, has been more of a father figure to the kids than their real dad. The three youngest now live with me and are all in highschool. The older ones all have great jobs and are going to college. And I have two of the most beautiful grandbabies anyone could ask for.

It just took a very hard decision to decide that my kids needed their parents to both be happy and that I am responsible for my own happiness and no one else.
I hope this helps. I don't tell this to a lot of people, probably because I figure I would be judged unfairly. But I told ya'll this to let you know that you are not alone in how you feel.:hug:

saracidaltendencies
03-07-2008, 03:34 PM
:grphug:

I know how difficult situations like this can be and I hope things work out for the best. Just don't let your happiness get lost in the mess of things.

HamaLee
03-07-2008, 03:50 PM
So, (now don't ya'll go whippin out the tar n feathers here), I left.


More like a hug and a pat on the back! :hug:

Seriously, as tough a decision as it must have been it seems pretty clear that you made the best choice for your sanity and your kids' well being! Major props for having the courage.

Dangles
03-07-2008, 03:54 PM
:grphug: I hope you get that break you need.

Darcia
03-07-2008, 04:01 PM
Happy, you sound like an A1+ mom. You and your kids stick together, do what ever you can to teach them not to be lazy like how you describe their father. He may have had terrible role models in his life. Possibly a mom who did everything.

Your in my prayers.

domiknitrix
03-07-2008, 04:17 PM
Same here. My husband had to learn how to do everything when I went back to school too. He could not could a lick and the kids would complain and say the food didn't taste good and I would say - taste good to me. I didn't want him to stop crying. NOW, he is an excellent cook and he helps around the house a lot. But, that came after years of prodding. We have been together 16 years and we have three kids 18, 14 and 9.

domiknitrix
03-07-2008, 04:21 PM
Relationships are hard. Especially when your partner isn't trying to help out.
As someone said before vent often. Journaling has always helped me in my darkest hours. Sometimes, you need to say something to someone who will not judge - good ole paper and pen are nice companions.
Good luck

happyfingers
03-07-2008, 05:14 PM
OOOO happy,
I soooo feel for ya hun!!!:hug: I too went through that with my EX!!!
I have 7 kids all within ten years age difference and nope he wouldn't help with the housework or the discipline. He would just go to work, come home, eat dinner n fall asleep in his easy chair. Then when I did say something, he would act like I had never mentioned it before. Bah- humbug!!!!!

I think the straw that broke the camels back was when I had to have emergency surgery to have my gall bladder removed (they had to do the full on operation not just the laparascopic one). So I was in the hospital for a week (talk about ahhhhh, peace n quiet). I get out of the hospital and it was just like nothing had happened. Hell I didn't even have my stitches out yet and was pretty much forced to work like there was nothing wrong with me. Can we say, what the hell?
Now at the time all my kids were under 14 and I had 3 under the age of 7 also. I had had enough. I knew that if I stuck around much longer my sanity and me would be like ummm, gone (as in not breathing gone). Talk about major depression.

So, (now don't ya'll go whippin out the tar n feathers here), I left. I didn't know where I was gonna live nor if I would have a decent job. Not to mention, the kids had a roof over their heads and their dad had a good job. So the kids stayed with their dad.
I said all that to say this, I don't know if you will make the same very hard decisions I did, or you will be able to work this out with your husband, but I do know what you are going through and just how hard it is. I stuck it out for 16 years before I finally said that's enough!!

As of today, I am remarried to a wonderful man who really, in my opinion, has been more of a father figure to the kids than their real dad. The three youngest now live with me and are all in highschool. The older ones all have great jobs and are going to college. And I have two of the most beautiful grandbabies anyone could ask for.

It just took a very hard decision to decide that my kids needed their parents to both be happy and that I am responsible for my own happiness and no one else.
I hope this helps. I don't tell this to a lot of people, probably because I figure I would be judged unfairly. But I told ya'll this to let you know that you are not alone in how you feel.:hug:

NO TAR AND FEATHERS JUST ONE BIB:yay:

photolady
03-07-2008, 06:11 PM
Oh, my, you poor thing.
Been there, done that.

Take heart, sometimes husbands turn into MEN, instead of being
little boys, and take responsibilities on.

It's awful being taken for granted. I feel for you.

photolady
03-07-2008, 06:14 PM
I had to hold myself back and not do things...just so they would learn.



Good advice. I did that, too.

photolady
03-07-2008, 06:15 PM
:grphug:

Just don't let your happiness get lost in the mess of things.

It won't get lost. It will re-surface, when the coast is clear.

Happiness stays with us, no matter what. The hardships of life might temporarily darken it, but, it will come back for her.

scout52
03-07-2008, 06:43 PM
:hug: :hug: :hug: Try to see if your kids will help out some more. They are older now and may be able to. They may be more willing to help you than your husband who may have a sense of entitlement and many kids still want to please their moms even in the teenage years. I truly hope you find some happiness and some peace. Your home should not be a place of pain. :hug: :hug:

feministmama
03-07-2008, 06:57 PM
Oh you poor thing. You'll make the right decision for you when you know its right. We'll be here for you :muah:

Hope yer sons are learning from this experience :teehee:

vaknitter
03-07-2008, 07:41 PM
:muah: to you ! Hopefully you can work through this with your kids. I haven't been married 2 yrs yet and in that short period of time I have learned marriage is hard and sucks at times. My parents made it look sooo easy. The hubby was an only child who did NOTHING for himself so he really doesn't get why I want dishes done before I go to bed and want bathrooms etc sccrubbed every weekend. Most of the time if I point things out he does help, but there are times he acts more like a child and can't clean the shower b/c then he wouldn't have time to play with whatever. Sometimes I have to tell him - we can't do activity A until you do your chores. I am hoping I get him trained good before we have children : ) Part of the reason we got 2 dogs - turns out he is very good at cleaning up vomit and diaharea in the middle of the night !!:roflhard:

vaknitter
03-07-2008, 07:46 PM
I forgot to mention - I second the journalling. I took that up years ago while going through some issues and have stuck with it. There are times I get up in the middle of the night to get soemthing off my chest. I write it and put it away - most of the time it helps.
Also, I don't know your religious background, but I find that church as always been there for me. When I really need a non-judgemental "family" the clergy or someone else is always there to listen and always so glad to see you and give you a hug. :grphug:

newamy
03-07-2008, 08:34 PM
I'm sorry you are going through all this. All I can say is he should help more and I don't know how you can put up with it. I feel very fortunate in that I have a wonderful husband who helps with everything.

But one comment; ...he tells my oldest which is my 15 yr old son who could not boil a cup of water to fix something.

Don't let your 15 y/o or your other boys turn out the same. Men are more often than not taught their behavior by their parents. In fact look at how your husbands parents conduct their lives...it might look familiar.

Bring the boys into the kitchen to help cooking along with the girls. If this is successful you will have some new helpers. My 13 year old son can fix a simple dinner and help with parts of more complicated dinners. He can unload a dishwasher and sort of load one, he's been learning to do laundry too. He vacuums also. He doesn't do these things perfectly but he does them! I consider this essential training for adulthood. My brothers were similarly taught to do household things....and it's a good thing too. One of my brothers works full time, his wife is schizophrenic and unable to work. She also does very little around the house d/t her illness, so he pretty much does it all plus he has to deal with her erratic behavior. They have no children but he has difficulties similar to yours.

I hope things get better and you get a break.

evona
03-07-2008, 09:04 PM
Show your husband this article. Or leave it conspicuously laying around!

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080306/ap_on_re_us/sharing_chores;_ylt=An_pQm4CLFr962VsF3EOOZCs0NUE

happyfingers
03-08-2008, 02:27 AM
I'm sorry you are going through all this. All I can say is he should help more and I don't know how you can put up with it. I feel very fortunate in that I have a wonderful husband who helps with everything.

But one comment;

Don't let your 15 y/o or your other boys turn out the same. Men are more often than not taught their behavior by their parents. In fact look at how your husbands parents conduct their lives...it might look familiar.

Bring the boys into the kitchen to help cooking along with the girls. If this is successful you will have some new helpers. My 13 year old son can fix a simple dinner and help with parts of more complicated dinners. He can unload a dishwasher and sort of load one, he's been learning to do laundry too. He vacuums also. He doesn't do these things perfectly but he does them! I consider this essential training for adulthood. My brothers were similarly taught to do household things....and it's a good thing too. One of my brothers works full time, his wife is schizophrenic and unable to work. She also does very little around the house d/t her illness, so he pretty much does it all plus he has to deal with her erratic behavior. They have no children but he has difficulties similar to yours.

I hope things get better and you get a break.


Youre right I said that part about my 15yr because he can do but will try not to...he does do the dishes and cleans the kitchen that's his chore:cool: ...It's just that I have to get onto him about it so much......I have taught the children to clean up after their selves there rooms , take out trash. even wash a load of clothes or two, etc.....it's just that it's a battle to have to tell them over and over...that's why I said their kids I know it's normal...I just needed to blow some steam....and every one who replied seems to understand again thanks:mrgreen:

photolady
03-08-2008, 09:05 AM
Sometimes I have to tell him - we can't do activity A until you do your chores.

So many husbands are like overgrown little boys. Self centered, too.
Maybe it's because their parents never required any household responsibilities of them.

Like Roseanne Barr said: you think my husband just came out of the box like that?
I've had to train him for YEARS to get to this point.

Natrasha
03-08-2008, 09:23 AM
:hug: I can relate...boy, howdy, I know what you mean!

And that's all I'm gonna say about that.

Just take some comfort in knowing that there is at least one other person out here who is just as fed up as you are.

Darcia
03-08-2008, 09:23 AM
So many husbands are like overgrown little boys. Self centered, too.
Maybe it's because their parents never required any household responsibilities of them.

Like Roseanne Barr said: you think my husband just came out of the box like that?
I've had to train him for YEARS to get to this point.

:rofl:

auburnchick
03-08-2008, 10:46 AM
Youre right I said that part about my 15yr because he can do but will try not to...he does do the dishes and cleans the kitchen that's his chore:cool: ...It's just that I have to get onto him about it so much......I have taught the children to clean up after their selves there rooms , take out trash. even wash a load of clothes or two, etc.....it's just that it's a battle to have to tell them over and over...that's why I said their kids I know it's normal...I just needed to blow some steam....and every one who replied seems to understand again thanks:mrgreen:


:hug:

Here's an idea that I used to use (and I probably will go back to...

I put all of the chores on a spreadsheet (that's the computer techie coming out to play!).

I divided them up into weekly and daily chores. These went down the left side of the page. Across the top, I had the days of the week.

The kids have to initial beside each chore as it gets done.

I can tell, at a quick glance, what has not been done, and they do not get to do what they want until everything is done. No more nagging...they know what is expected of them and the consequences.

Kids have to learn that this is the way the working world operates. Everyone has their responsibilities, and if you don't do them, there are natural consequences.

Unfortunately, you have to head up the effort in your house since your dh is not setting a good example.

:hug:

dustinac
03-08-2008, 11:18 AM
:hug:

Knit4Fun
03-08-2008, 12:47 PM
*big hug for you*

As the mother of two step-kids who have NOT been told no or taught to do for themselves much at all before I came into the picture, I can certainly relate.

I cannot complain too much about my hubby...he is a good man who does try to help out a lot, but I will say that he is utterly at a loss about how to discipline and be consistent with his kids which is a problem over time. We are working on that because if he and I have children, it will NOT work for him to be that way with them - he knows that.

I don't know how best to help you other than I hope you have been able to communicate your frustrations to him (in a normal conversation way versus when you are upset because us gals all know how men's hearing shuts off when the decibel level increases in our voice) and I urge you to make sure you find ways to teach your kids to do for themselves - be it chores, thinking for themselves, giving them choices and consequences - please don't let them get to be in the late teen years and have NO idea how to do or think for themselves. It isn't pretty to think of turning out a kid like that into the world and I suspect it would only cause more problems and heartache later.

If you need to vent further, feel free to PM me or keep this thread going. I think we all (men and women) do what we do because of what we know and have seen in life...but it sure doesn't make it easy sometimes. Marriage is tough. Having kids is tough. But having God, friends and knitting DOES make it all easier, right?! :-)

Shandeh
03-08-2008, 04:23 PM
Okay, this is my opinion on what might work for you. These are the things I had to do when I was a struggling, single mom.

TAKE the alone time you need, when you need it. Don't wait for anyone's permission.

Lock yourself in the bathroom, and take a LONG bath. (Take a radio in there, and listen to your favorite music.)

Take the kids to see a movie. (Take your knitting, with a pair of those needles with lights at the points, so you can knit during the movie.) :wink:

Take the kids to the park, and take your knitting so you can sit down and relax while they play.

Work on yourself, by reading self-help books, or exercising, going for walks, etc.

Don't worry about the house being a mess. Just let it go, and concentrate on the things that you need. You're a working mom now, so the house will not look as nice as it did before. Just chill, and relax a bit.

Make a list of things you want to do in your life, and go about DOING them.

Have fun, because you only live once. Make it a HAPPY life!
:muah:

Becky Morgan
03-08-2008, 07:27 PM
:hug: I can relate...boy, howdy, I know what you mean!

And that's all I'm gonna say about that.

Just take some comfort in knowing that there is at least one other person out here who is just as fed up as you are.

Make that two. Mine imagines he's sick and won't eat anything but bread, milk and cereal. I'm starting to think that if I'm cooking for one anyhow, I might as well be where no one complains about the "stench" from steamed carrots and peas or the "stink" from my sweat after I scrub the floor, salt and sweep the sidewalk and clear half of the driveway.

Hildegard_von_Knittin
03-10-2008, 12:19 PM
I can't really offer you any advice. My marriage was unhappy for years; while it was a very hard decision to actually say ENOUGH and leave, it was an easy execution, since we don't have kids. And maybe leaving isn't the answer for you, anyway. Try to take comfort in the fact that what needs to get done will get done. Hopefully things will start turning around. :hug:

twoxover
03-10-2008, 01:33 PM
I don't know if you've tried this....

but have you done the chore list thing? as in, "i need you to do these things for me....here's a list". I know, this is stupid, he's a grown man, yada yada....but, until my DH got the hang of it....the list worked. I never made it too long...but i did put in "enough"....

having said that...at night, i now offer options..."do you want to do the kitchen floor or fold clothes". it seems to work. Your kids are also old enough to help...my 14 year old clears the table and does the dishes after dinner. my six year old is in charge of feeding the dogs, things like that....

and oh yeah, i've lowered my expectations. my house no longer looks as if it could be in house beautiful <grin>, but we're all happy.

Hang in there.....try to get some time to yourself.