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GinnyG
03-19-2008, 08:40 AM
My "significant other" and I have lived together for 8 years. We are both divorced with kids. Our children are all adults and over the years both mine have gotten married.

He attended both weddings as my "partner" and there were no issues or problems with my ex. We have been divorced a long time.

His oldest son is getting married this June and I just found out that I am not invited to the wedding. His son doesn't want to make his Mother uncomfortable. Now, I have never met his Mother and don't know why I would make her uncomfortable (my SO and I got together YEARS after they were divorced) but it's his wedding and I think he has the right to invite who ever he wants.

My problem is, my SO now wants to boycott his own son's wedding. He said if I'm not invited he won't go. I think that is a mistake and while I am flattered by his loyalty I would not go now even if I were to be invited at this point.

I think he should just go to the wedding. Someday he may regret not going. My feelings are a little hurt at not being invited but he isn't MY son and it really is no big deal to me not to go.

Would you push him to go?

Knitting_Guy
03-19-2008, 08:45 AM
Personally I understand how he feels, but it is his son and he should go.

I'm sure his son has his reasons, legitimate or not, for his decision.

Perhaps he should have a talk with his ex and ask her to talk to the son about this if she's willing. Perhaps that would put the son's mind at ease and allow everyone to be present for the nuptials.

GinnyG
03-19-2008, 08:49 AM
Thanks Mason.
Unfortunately he and his ex don't "talk" and although I don't know her I've heard alot about her over the years and have no doubt that she doesn't want me there.
Having been "mother of the groom" I know what an improtant day it is and if my being there makes her uncomfortable for what ever reason I don't want to be there.
I'm just so afraid my SO will deeply regret not going at some point.

iza
03-19-2008, 09:21 AM
:hug: Ginny, you are so good to deal with this the way you do!

Should you push him to go to the wedding? I think you're doing the right thing in convincing him to go. But ultimately, it's his decision. I guess he needs to talk about it with his son, and say how disappointed he is. And try to understand his motivations. Is it really to not make his mom uncomfortable? Did she even ask for this? Or is it because he has problems with the fact that his parents are divorced? :shrug:

In any case, if it's at the mom's request, if your SO doesn't go and his son ends up being disappointed, it's very possible she will accuse YOU of ruining her son's wedding. :roll: Your SO just won't win anything by not going, in my opinion. :shrug:

mwhite
03-19-2008, 09:43 AM
Yes, he should go and WILL regret even if he nevers admits it. You are very, very understanding and your SO is extremely fortunate to have you in his life! Kudos and great big, bright, shiney stars to you Ginny!

My husband had a beef with our daughter (his adopted daughter) when she was around 17 (who doesn't with kids that age?) and didn't attend her high school graduation. He does regret and there's no way for him to go back and change that. Please continue urging him gently how important it is to support his son. We have no earthly idea what an impact our absence makes until it's too late. His son might not take it the wrong way now but marriage is a major event in our lives and going will let him know that Dad is there for him. Yes, he's loyal to you but you've already come to terms and accepted.

Abbily
03-19-2008, 10:00 AM
Ginny, I think you are right on the money, and he should definitely go. As you said, that's something he can't "undo" if he refuses to go.

sue in canada
03-19-2008, 10:16 AM
I too think he should go to the actual wedding ceremony, but maybe skip any reception. He will then always have the wedding to remember and I think his son would probably understand that decision.

msoebel
03-19-2008, 11:10 AM
I think you are a very smart woman. If he chooses not to go to the wedding now, on principle, he will regret it later. And who is to say that he won't harbor resentment against you later on?

Encourage him to go, realize that the non-invite wasn't actually about you (loyalties are so confusing when it comes to weddings), send a card or small gift and continue going about your life as the extremely well-adjusted individual that you are.

GinnyG
03-19-2008, 12:42 PM
Thank you everyone for your support. I think I will just continue to gently encourage him to go. Maybe he will go to the ceremony and skip the reception. Someday he and his son will resolve their differences and if he doesn't go it will always be a "regret".

In the mean time I'll just plan something fun to do that day (go to my LYS and BUY YARN:happydance: ) and just let it go!

lelvsdgs
03-19-2008, 03:12 PM
Yep, the SO should definitely go. He will regret it later and it could do damage to the father-son relationship, and you don't want that. It's sad that this even has to be an issue but I think you would be doing the right thing by getting your SO to go. You can always send a nice gift along and of course your best wishes.
:muah:
And I vote for the trip to the LYS!!!! Much more fun anyway!

knitncook
03-19-2008, 06:34 PM
I agree that your SO should go. It's sad though that your step-ds doesn't see you as an important part of his father's life. I wonder if you would be "uninvited" if you were actually married. I truly don't understand the whole "ex-spouse" issues. My dh's parents have been divorced for almost 30 years. THIRTY years and my MIL still hates my FIL and won't be in the same room with him unless there are a million people between them. At our wedding (which was *very* small - about 20 people total including the two of us) she spent the entire time glaring at him. Even in the picture of us with his parents she has a sour angry look on her face. He has always tried to be kind to her over the years. When she was recently diagnosed with inoperable liver cancer he went to see her at the hospital to take her the alimony check (that she still recieves and he has written out faithfully for thirty years) She wouldn't look at him or anything. They had three kids together and he still respects her as the mother of his children, but she was just so mean and spiteful. She told one of my BIL's to tell him to never see her again ever. While their marriage wasn't perfect, they both had major faults and their divorce was a *good* thing. I truly think that she is so mean because he has found happiness and remarried (twice in fact - his second wife died and he's since remarried - at 85 years old!) She's still lonely and bitter. :(

GinnyG
03-19-2008, 07:04 PM
Oh Michelle, what a sad sad story. What an honorable man your FIL is, to have so many years of anger dumped on him and still try to do the "right" thing.

But you hit the nail on the head, it isn't ME that is the problem. It is the fact that Doug (my SO) has moved on with his life and found happiness. His ex is alone and bitter, even all these years late. She looks at my presence as a reminder of that I am certain.

saracidaltendencies
03-19-2008, 07:14 PM
I agree with all the advice given. I do think you should encourage him to go...You never know how his absence will be taken on the other side and they may indeed try to pin the blame on you, though, you're absolutely NOT at fault.

I too think if he doesn't go he may one day regret it. Maybe just let your SO know you fully understand the situation, and, while it does hurt you, you don't want it to cause a problem, and, you will most likely have a better time dealing with not being invited than his son would by his father not attending his wedding.

photolady
03-19-2008, 08:19 PM
My problem is, my SO now wants to boycott his own son's wedding. He said if I'm not invited he won't go. I think that is a mistake and while I am flattered by his loyalty I would not go now even if I were to be invited at this point.

I think he should just go to the wedding.

Your SO should go to his son's wedding.
And bring you back a big piece of wedding cake.

photolady
03-19-2008, 08:21 PM
THIRTY years and my MIL still hates my FIL and won't be in the same room with him unless there are a million people between them. (

Sometimes people have a hard, hard time forgiving other people.
We r almost all different in how we perceive others.

ArtLady1981
03-20-2008, 02:01 AM
Yes. Your SO should go to his son's wedding. The son is not boycotting you...he is thinking of his momma.

Ginny, are a big person, and I must say, I have a great deal of respect for you. Your SO must appreciate you so much!

If your SO doesn't go to the wedding, his son (and the entire family on that side) will blame YOU. Communicate this to your SO.
Tell your SO that it is best FOR YOU and FOR HIM and FOR THE SON if he goes to the wedding.

Someday, it will come back to bless you both.

And what a delicious day of yarn shopping you should have on the day of that wedding! :teehee:

Debkcs
03-20-2008, 03:33 AM
I too think he should go to the actual wedding ceremony, but maybe skip any reception. He will then always have the wedding to remember and I think his son would probably understand that decision.

This is where my thinking was going, and then what ArtLady said is true also, I think.

Why don't you have your SO read all our responses and see if he find it in his heart to honor this very special day in the life of his son.

lelvsdgs
03-20-2008, 05:14 PM
Your SO should go to his son's wedding.
And bring you back a big piece of wedding cake.
And a party favor or three!:happydance: