PDA

View Full Version : How Do You Politely Kick Teens Out at the End of the Evening?


auburnchick
06-04-2008, 09:52 AM
Ok all. Need some advice.

Dh and I got our son a ping-pong table for his birthday last Friday. Ever since, our daughter has had friends over every night except for one.

Now, I'm thrilled that her friends are coming over. We've never been "the" house to hang out at, and it's a great way to keep up with what's going on, even if we're banned to the other room.

However, last night, the kids were still at my house at 11:30pm! I had gone to bed at 9 because I've been fighting a bug.

To her credit, she did keep the TV turned low, but it's inevitable that in a small house, you're gonna hear everything, and teens are just loud.

I want to be a good neighbor and not have kids running around at all hours. So, I know that guidelines for weeknight and weekends are going to have to be established. But, on Sunday, we told our daughter that the kids had to leave by 10pm since the next day was a work day. Do you think the kids left then? Nope. I think they were still here at 11:30. So, it's apparent that she doens't want to be the bad guy either.

Anyhow, I want to know how to to politely say, "Adios" to the buggers when it's time to go nightie-nigh.

Thanks all! :muah:

suzeeq
06-04-2008, 09:55 AM
Just tell them it's time to go and stand there until they leave. Don't put it on your daughter to make them go.

dustinac
06-04-2008, 10:00 AM
:thumbsup: I agree don't leave it up to her...they might have a way of prolonging it that she doesn't know what to say too...like let me finish this game first, drink first, this story first...if you step in that won't happen as much (coming from my teen experience)

my son is only 7 he has a friend that walks down...I tell him when the time is up and walk him back home...they haven't gotten upset at all..his parents do the same with Isaiah...if we left it up to them they would spend all day together...and I think a couple of hourse is plenty for play time...:happydance:

Sunshine's Mom
06-04-2008, 10:03 AM
You go into the room at 9:00 or 9:30 and say "OK kids. Sorry, but it's getting time to wrap it up. One last game."

Then, if they are still there at 10:00, you go back in, "Sorry guys, times up. You don't have to go home but you can't stay here."

On Friday and Saturday night, maybe you can set a later time of 11:00 or 11:30.

It's your house. Have the talk with your kids about time frames that are okay for their friends to be there. Ultimately, they must be aware of what times you expect the friends to be gone by. If they won't do the booting, you will and it won't be as friendly as they would be.

If the kids have a curfew, perhaps they could act like they're bored with hanging at home and they could leave WITH their friends at a designated time and then come home themselves by curfew. That way, they don't have to be booting their friends out (which I know is hard to do). They'd just be re-directing their energies.

I don't know. Don't listen to me. I don't have kids, but I deal with the neighbor kids playing in our yard all the time. Sometimes I have to be kind of mean about getting my point across. They always come back so I figure they don't hold grudges.

auburnchick
06-04-2008, 10:03 AM
Ok, so I guess I'm being too nice. Direct is the way to go. Plus, if I set the expectations early, maybe they'll eventually monitor themselves, see that it's 10 and start heading for the door. Maybe that's too much to ask, but I can always dream. :teehee:

iza
06-04-2008, 10:27 AM
You know, something similar happened to me when I was a teenager. For me, I had a very hard time telling my friends to leave, even if this is what I wanted! Being a party pooper when you're a teenager is soooo not cool! :teehee: So I was very glad to see my mom coming and say "All right you guys, sorry to be the annoying mom here, but it's late and it's time for you to leave. You know you're always welcome here, save some fun for tomorrow!" My friends didn't mind, and because my mom was being direct but nice about it, they thought I had a very cool mom. :teehee:

suzeeq
06-04-2008, 10:37 AM
Ok, so I guess I'm being too nice. Direct is the way to go. Plus, if I set the expectations early, maybe they'll eventually monitor themselves, see that it's 10 and start heading for the door. Maybe that's too much to ask, but I can always dream. :teehee:

Nope, it doesn't work. I had this problem when my oldest was a junior in high school. You can't leave it up to them to leave, you have to be the policeman.

Mike
06-04-2008, 11:58 AM
You're the adult, they're the kids. There's no need to worry about being polite.
Just tell them play time is over and it's time to go.
The idea of a "last call" "wrap it up" warning is good, but once the time is over make it over.

I used to be the party house for adults. If you worry about being polite you will get walked on and the more you allow yourself to be walked on the more it will get pushed until you are at the limit where politeness goes out the door.
May as well set the limit and stick with it so it doesn't come to that.

LilHuskiesFootBallMom
06-04-2008, 12:01 PM
You need to set rules. we used to get up at 7 am and the now 20 year old would have friends who were STILL there... so we started a rule:
1. no one comes over before noon and CHECK WITH US FIRST (it's our house, not theirs.)
2. ALL FRIENDS must be gone by 8 pm as the youngest two are still in school.
3. I do not provide snacks and drinks or meals. they want em at our house, they need to bring them. (this is actually standard across the board with these kids.... )

4. Everyone cleans up after themselves. I am not a maid.

5. I reserve the right to tell certain ones to NOT come back or to leave when I please. It is my house, I pay the mortgage, not them.

auburnchick
06-04-2008, 01:02 PM
Oh, I love your responses! Thank you so much!

I really appreciate the snacks rule too. We have been scrambling each night to keep these kids fed. I think I'll ask my daughter to start asking her friends to bring a bag of whatever they like to snack on to share. One bag=a lot less money for the hosting house.

Thanks y'all! You are truly the best! :muah:

Jan in CA
06-04-2008, 01:06 PM
If you want them out by 10 not only do you need to tell your daughter you need to inform the friends that they need to leave at 10 on school nights.

I also disagree somewhat with a few of the other replies. Your daughter is a big girl and she does need to be responsible. If they don't leave then you come out tell them to leave and have a discussion with your daughter about responsibilities and consequences.

You're not being a meanie... it's a work/school night! Letting them come every night is very generous of you as it is. Good luck!

Cynamar
06-04-2008, 01:12 PM
I don't think there is anything in the world wrong with you setting a time for visitors to clear out. I think you should just tell them upfront or have your kids to.

Silver
06-04-2008, 01:14 PM
I feel your pain. We have a pool table in the garage, Rock Band and Guitar Hero in the living room, and we're at the end of our street, a cul-de-sac. My house is a popular hang out for kids. Which is cool with me, I've always preferred to have kids here instead who knows where.

You have to be the boss or they will walk all over you. If we hear just one pool ball hit the floor, the game is over, and the kids know it. (This is the rule after an incident where a pool ball hit DH's motorcycle!) And when I step out there and say "Ok, it's late, time to go home" they wrap it up and go home.

I also have no problem singling out a trouble maker and telling them to leave. The kid that kept using the F word is not welcome here anymore, which also keeps the rest of them in check.

Don't be scared of looking "mean". Be kind, but firm and the kids will respect your authority and you'll instead become the "cool mom". :thumbsup:

Gertie
06-04-2008, 02:28 PM
Yup. I also like my son to be here. I know where he is, what he's doing and who he's doing it with. I made it clear to our 2 kids that I don't care about being the popular mom. (DD played that card on me once. Didn't work.) I'm wanting to be the loving mom. (One of DSn's friends really needs that. He even calls me Mom.) Well the friends all know that this home has Christian standards because DH & I made them & we stick to them. Not negotiable.

I like the posting that "You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here." I used that once. Sounds like you will too.

I'm sure all will get better.

vaknitter
06-04-2008, 02:35 PM
My parents said - everyone is welcome as long as they leave at 10pm. That was the rule - no ifs ands or buts about it. If we were down there later he would call down the stairs and say It's time to go home. He wasn't mean about, just reminded everyone that not everyone was a night owl. Of course there were nights, esp over the summer that we would sit out in the yard or watch movies until all hours and just sleep on the floor of the living room and that was cool.

Cynamar
06-04-2008, 02:37 PM
I'm a very affectionate mom but my word is law. My reputation among Julianne's friends is for being cool but very strict. I changed my mind about her spending the night with a friend a couple of nights ago when the friend's mom called to make sure I knew that high school boys would be staying with her son--one of them J's ex-boyfriend and one the boyfriend of the sister. She's still annoyed by that but I don't care. Isn't it my job to annoy her? Last night she wanted to play soccer at a park by us but it was getting dark and I said no. I just can't stop with the annoying!

Gertie
06-04-2008, 02:44 PM
She's still annoyed by that but I don't care. Isn't it my job to annoy her? Last night she wanted to play soccer at a park by us but it was getting dark and I said no. I just can't stop with the annoying!

Just think of the adults (young & old) with regrets who wish they had an annoying parent when they were growing up.

Cynamar
06-04-2008, 02:53 PM
It seems that the parents let the 17-year-old girl'sboyfriend sleep on a twin mattress in her bedroom floor (apparently he lives in a house by the school for kids who are separated from their families and has no place to go in the summer). but make her keep her door open and they can see from their bed. Now, once I'm asleep J can tap dance on my bed and I won't know so this doesn't fly with me. When the mom called she thought J should sleep with her daughter in the big bed with the boyfriend in the floor. J swore that all of the boys would be sleeping in the brother's room. I don't care. She said they were all staying up and watching movies. I know the parents were getting up early for work and I didn't want her unattended with boys in a household that is that casual about bedrooms.

vaknitter
06-04-2008, 03:30 PM
WOW Cynamar my parents were soooo strict - that would have never flown when I was 17 !! Even in my 20's my fiance wasn't allow to sleep in the same room with me when we went home to visit my parents !! It's great that the mother thought to call and let you know so you could make the decision that was right for you and your daughter.
P.S. I always thought a parents job was to embarass their children? Maybe my parents were just overachievers, they embarassed and annoyed us !!

The.Knitter
06-04-2008, 04:28 PM
Better that you be the "bad guy" than your daughter. I agree, open the door at 10 p.m. and say "ok, time to leave now, thanks for coming, I hope you had a good time". Then stand there and wait for no more than two minutes. If they still do not leave, the next time you say "it's now time to go and if you don't go, unfortunately I won't let you come over again". You will find that they will go then. If they don't then you go grab their purses and dump them on the outside of the door, far enough away that they have to walk a bit to get them. When they go to get their purses, shut the door.

Then the next night when they show up, tell them "curfew is 10 p.m. and I will expect you to be gone by then".

Repeat only once. If they don't listen the first time, then they are the ones banned from the house, NOT YOU! Remember it is YOUR HOME! In your home, YOU are the boss!

Knit4Fun
06-04-2008, 08:38 PM
I agree with the previous posters...

the best way I've found with teens is just totally direct here-is-how-it-is language like 'okay, everyone - it's getting late - time to go home'. Short and sweet and to the point.

Good luck...we used to have a sign in our office that read 'Raising teens is like nailing Jell-O to a tree' - apropos... :teehee:

tarrentella
06-05-2008, 04:43 AM
It seems that the parents let the 17-year-old girl'sboyfriend sleep on a twin mattress in her bedroom floor (apparently he lives in a house by the school for kids who are separated from their families and has no place to go in the summer). but make her keep her door open and they can see from their bed. Now, once I'm asleep J can tap dance on my bed and I won't know so this doesn't fly with me. When the mom called she thought J should sleep with her daughter in the big bed with the boyfriend in the floor. J swore that all of the boys would be sleeping in the brother's room. I don't care. She said they were all staying up and watching movies. I know the parents were getting up early for work and I didn't want her unattended with boys in a household that is that casual about bedrooms.

It is nice that even those these parents obviously have different opinions and rules, they still respect your rules and opinions as a parent and were good enough to contact you to let you know the situation.
I had a freind whos parents were very very relaxed when we were teenagers, and although sometimes we thought it was realy cool and would hang out at hers at weekends (particularly if there was a party on or if we or they were going out) i was secretly always glad that my mum was tougher and i could rely on her to provide a good safe house and parents who wernt hungover all weekend (well most of the time!)

I was never the popular girl in high school, so similar to your daughter, when i actually had freinds over my mum would be delighted and do her best to accomodate them. Her method of making sure they were not there to late (unless they were actually staying) was to ask them about an hour before they were due to leave 'How are you getting home, do you want me to phone your mum, or if you need a lift then remember i am going to be at X'oclock' It was enough of a hint for them to know they couldnt stay too late and gave me some ammo to use to ask them to leave at the right time. Since i was shy and never wanted to be the party pooper, having that little bit of back up from my mum realy helped me take responsability.

gingerbread
06-05-2008, 08:42 AM
Like everyone has said if you don't put down rules the kids are going to walk all over you and your house. When my son remarried she came with kids. They ruled the house and let me tell you it was awful to see. One night my son had to use the bathroom and to find a kid in the kitchen making a sandwich. Well the sh....t hit the fan and I sure don't blame him. The kid left and after about 15 minutes he came back, came through a basement window.:tap:
I don't think that you want it to get that bad so put done the rules and keep with them. Kids love to push parents to there limits. It is just there way once they get to an age they really do think they are adults. Ya just can't tell them anything that they don't know.:hair:
Good luck and hope it works out for you.:pray:





:waving:

sinistral_needler
06-05-2008, 10:09 AM
Just tell them it's time to go and stand there until they leave. Don't put it on your daughter to make them go.

I agree 100%. Don't be afraid to be the enforcer on occaision! :thumbsup: