View Full Version : Emotionally invested knitting
07-14-2008, 01:07 PM
The sweater I have been knitting on was/is to be for my new grand-nephew. (Hmm, don't I sound old?)
My niece just told me she is giving him up for adoption. (He is her 3rd, and she is keeping her 2 oldest children.) She is pregnant with him now but not due for a couple months. She did not want to have a family member have him (I will! I will! Or my sister) because she said it would be too hard for her.
Needless to say I am devastated, but have a knitting related question naturally or I wouldn't be posting here.
a) finish the thing and keep it (there are always babies, and I am probably not finished having them either anyway)
b) finish the thing and send it to my niece- maybe she she will change her mind or send it with him (because it is for him, whether he stays in the family or not)
c) finish the thing and donate it
d) frog the thing and burn the yarn
e) keep it unfinished in my knitting basket some more
I have also started a baby blanket for him but have just done a couple of rows and would feel fine not finishing that one as it isn't going well.
If I do finish it, it will be wet because I am just crying all the time! This could be part of working through healing to work on it. I'm not sure.
What would you do?
07-14-2008, 01:23 PM
I wonder if you can finish it and somehow send it with him to his new family. I'm sure that they would love it. I would. I hate that you don't get to meet him. He's still yours somehow and you can still love him.
07-14-2008, 01:29 PM
Honestly I would make it for him and ask her to send it with him. Maybe you could include a little note to the adopting parents that you made it for him and whatever else you want. I wouldn't include any contact info unless your niece says that it's ok to. It would be more likely to get to the parents that way.
I am sorry. I know that it's hard...
07-14-2008, 02:12 PM
Well, some adoptions are closed, and some adoptive parents either don't tell their children, are don't until they think they are of an age where they are ready for it. I don't know the circumstances of this adoption, be it closed/or open, but if it is closed- the new parents might not want the things that came from the original birth mother, maybe for different reasons.
My suggestion would be to knit it and donate it along with some other things to a foster home somewhere, and in your heart, remember for yourself you did it in your grand-neice/nephew's honor.
07-14-2008, 03:15 PM
I'm sorry you won't get to meet your grand-nephew. IMHO I would finish the sweater. You can give it to your niece and she can either keep it or send it with the baby. I might even finish the blanket. Two months is a long time and your niece may change her mind or this may be a first child for the adoptive parents and they would most likely appreciate that his first blanket comes with him. My friends just adopted a baby and they met the parents, grandparents etc all at the hosp. The family provided a "going home" outfit and off they went.
07-14-2008, 03:22 PM
I too would finish the blanket. Love is love, no matter what form it comes in. If showing your love means making and sending the sweater, then do so. Don't cry too much though. If your niece has decided she can't afford this child, at least she is giving it a chance at a good life instead of having had an abortion. It will be a hard decision for her. Perhaps when she sees the child she will want to keep it. If not, she can send the baby on with the sweater and love from you!
07-14-2008, 06:07 PM
what a hard thing for your family! I think if i could, i would knit it, and give it to your neice, requesting that it go with the new little one. as other's have said...there is nothing wrong with love...and if i were the adoptive parents, i would cherish that sweater and blanket to no end...
07-14-2008, 06:22 PM
My name is Kelly. I only have one daughter and she is 14 months old. I have never had to deal with adoption in my life or in the lives of anyone really close to me. Therefore... I cannot imagine what it must feel like. But I do have something to share with you and I hope and pray that it will comfort you in some way. As far as whether to finish the item or not... I just don't know.
I found two videos by Mark Schultz. He is a Contemporary Christian Singer. I posted the videos on my blog a few weeks ago. Here (http://imlovingmotherhood.blogspot.com/2008/06/i-think-you-will-like-this.html) is the link to it. The videos are from youtube. Sometimes it will say that the video is unavailable. Just refresh the page and keep trying. You will be able to view them. Please watch the top one first and the bottom one after.
No matter what happens... it will be God's will. And just remember, that everything happens for a reason. I pray that God will bless you and your family.
07-14-2008, 07:37 PM
I say finish the sweater and donate. You may not be giving it to the intended, but you will be giving it to a needy baby that will appreciate it too. Maybe in the way things go, you can find an adoption agency that needs little baby clothes and donate to them?
I know it's hard, but she's doing what she feels is right for her.
07-14-2008, 07:51 PM
I would tell my niece that I was working on a sweater/blanket set for the baby. Ask her if she would be willing to ask the adoptive parents if they will accept this gift from you on behalf of your grand nephew.
If your niece is against it, then donate it to a local hospital neo-natal wing. If she's ok with it, your grand nephew will have it when he goes to his new family.
My prayers are with you and your family.:grphug:
07-14-2008, 10:18 PM
I have to agree with the majority...I say finish them, and send it with the baby to his new family....
Hopefully it will be a connection you will both always share!
07-15-2008, 06:53 AM
Oh do make the sweater for your grandnephew. My husband was adoptive and he came with an outfit. We still have that sweater outfit. So I am sure if you niece lets you send it with the baby. The new parents will love it. So the baby will have something to love when he grows up. I don't know if this helps or not but thought I would tell you how much my husband loved that outfit. My first born and second came home with it on.
So I would make it and hope that your neice says okay with you making it for him. Love is Love. :)
07-15-2008, 10:09 AM
I think it really depends on how sensitive the issue is with your niece. She may be having a really hard time with this decision, but is making it in the best interest of the baby. If that's the case, she may not want family members to send things for the baby as it would be harder for her to deal with.
On the other hand, if she is okay with that - sending something with the baby (esp. if open adoption) will let the child know that he was loved and lack of love was definitely NOT the reason he was given up for adoption.
I'm sorry you're having a hard time with this. Just try to see it through your niece's eyes. If she is being unselfish and trying to provide the best life possible for this baby, then she should be supported in this difficult decision.
God bless and good luck.
i have to agree with the majority here, i would finish them and ask your nice if she would send them with the baby, if not i'd donate them to a charity or someone i knew.
as someone that may be considering adopting a child at somepoint in the future i would personally think it was great a baby coming with a hand made outfit, it would show that someone loved the baby and cared enough to spend the time and love making it.
its a hard thing for you and your nice to go through, she may still change her mind nearer the time
a big :hug: to you though
07-15-2008, 10:57 AM
how difficult. :sad: I think I'd ask her and if she is ok with it, then send it with him when he goes to his new family. And if she doesn't even want that reminder, give it away or keep it for yourself. I'm so sorry. Too bad she won't let you adopt him.:hug:
07-15-2008, 11:00 AM
I live in a family of adoptees, and to make a long story short, I've dealt with lots more than most people think true.
I would ask your niece. I'd just tell her why you want to send it, and see what she says. Honestly, if she doesn't want to, I'd keep it in the hopes that someday...... or I would donate it. But even if she isn't his forever mom, he still is her child, and she his parent.... I'd ask her. Hope this doesn't sound rude or out of turn.
(((hugs))) I know this is hard for you, her and everyone involved. Someone else has their hand in it, and that Someone knows what He's doing. I'll be praying.
07-15-2008, 11:06 AM
I'm so sorry to hear that. I would also finish it and send it with him. That way he will always have a piece of you with him.
07-16-2008, 03:43 AM
Finish it and send it with him. Im so sorry to hear your hurting, he's part of you and i know you must be really upset. Put all your love into every stitch and ask your niece to send it with him, if the new parents keep it or not is up to them but the love you weave will always stay with him. Good luck.
08-07-2008, 01:44 PM
Thank you all so much for your input- what a terrible time I was having.
Sorry it took so long to respond- my MIL died and we drove 1/2 way across the country.
She has now decided to keep the baby! I am overjoyed.
08-07-2008, 02:28 PM
Yeah!! I know you must be ecstatic. God Bless!!:muah:
08-07-2008, 04:41 PM
I was reading all of the posts, getting teary, and the came to the happy ending! :hug: :cheering: :hug: It's a novel in a knitting thread! I am so happy that she is keeping the baby, and that you can knit this and many other things for him. I do have one suggestion, which I hope isn't stepping over any bounds-- and that is, make sure she has a lot of support and help. When a mother is even considering adoption-- and for a while, she was beyond considering, she had absolutely decided, and didn't even want him kept by a family member-- it means she is in dire straights, whether it be emotional, financial or otherwise, and that stuff doesn't go away overnight. To be in that desparate situation, she felt that she couldn't take care of him, and so she will need a lot of assistance, in many forms. Keep us posted!:grphug:
08-20-2008, 09:18 AM
What a wonderful happy "beginning"! :cheering:
Thanks for sharing your story with us. I could tell from the postings that you've had lots of fellow knitters hoping and praying for your family. I know all prayers are answered, one way or another. Just glad these were answered "Yes"!
Best of luck and keep us in the loop!
08-20-2008, 10:12 AM
I am so thankful for all of your thoughts and prayers. Isn't it funny that knitting was one of the first things I thought of to welcome this baby- and thinking of what to do with it was kind of like thinking what to do with my love for him.
I had a huge talk with my niece- I think that really helped her decision too. I also had a big talk with my sister (aka Grandma) that it was time to be more supportive for her. She had her first right out of high school and has still been treated like she made a mistake. (not by me- I even moved her & kids in with me for several months when she was having a rough patch)
He is due Sept 15th, and we're all busy getting everything he needs. I'll keep everyone posted (and keep knitting away- he can't be born until I am done w/ his presents!)
08-20-2008, 10:36 AM
I was quite upset for you as I read the first post, and as everyone's said, about to cry myself, and then read the whole thread, and I've got to say YAH!!! :heart: I am SO glad for you and your niece and new grand-nephew!
Can't wait to see pics of the sweater and of course the new baby when he's born!
08-20-2008, 11:41 AM
AWESOME!!! You get to love him and know him!!! Teri--your story is so neat!
08-20-2008, 04:04 PM
I think you shoudl finish the sweater and blanket. Celebrate this new life by doing that. Hope that she will send this gift with the baby to his new home. Also be thankful that she is bringing this pregnancy to term and giving life to this baby, regardless of her intent to raise the baby herself.
maybe someday, this child will grow to know that he had an aunt who loved him so much.
08-23-2008, 01:44 PM
Oh I just read that your niece is keeping the baby. Yay :cheering: and yes she is going to have to have a lot of support. I think she has a lot from you and that is a good start. Now you can make a whole lot of little things. I am so glad that she is not going to go with the adoption.:) Happy and good thoughts and load of :grphug: to you and your family.
09-16-2008, 01:34 PM
He is here!
Christopher Blake was born yesterday, weighing in at a chunky 8 lbs 15 oz (same as my son). Mom is thrilled (and had her tubes tied this morning) and so are we. I am so glad they decided to keep him.
He will be the proud recipient of several knitterly things- including an almost too small I am sure hat!
Thanks so much, for all of your thoughts, prayers and help.
09-16-2008, 03:20 PM
Ah grats...that is awesome!
09-16-2008, 11:03 PM
He is GORGEOUS! How blessed you all are with such a beautiful new life!
Blessings to all!
09-17-2008, 03:12 AM
Renee, I don't read through the "General Knitting" threads very often, and hadn't read this thread until tonight. I started at the beginning not realizing it was from August. I felt saddened about the situation, but didn't know what to say. I kept reading all the posts and learned she was keeping the baby and he must be about here, and then the announcement of his arrival.
I went and looked at the picture. Christopher Blake is a nice name and he looks so sweet. I sure hope everything works out well for your niece and that she will always be happy she kept this little guy.
09-17-2008, 01:44 PM
She does beautiful work! May you and he have many years of joy.
09-17-2008, 06:45 PM
I'm not sure I am in the right spot to introduce myself. Computer has never been my thing. I love to knit and just have fun. I have a question to ask anyone, I am knitting a neck wrap, I regular knit then pearl, the pearl area is curling in like a tube. It has been so long since I have knited that I have forgotten a lot. Can anyone helpme?
09-17-2008, 09:25 PM
Heavy stuff on this forum. If you intended to knit for this soon to be human being then by all means nit away. May she will change her mind. Either way, you intended on giving so give.
09-17-2008, 09:31 PM
Christopher is a pretty baby:heart: Happy to hear things turned out good. May he be a blessed little boy.
09-17-2008, 10:14 PM
Oh Renee! I so feel your pain right through the keyboard! What a heartbreaking predicament!
Definitely DO NOT give it to the pregnant mother. She has made her decision...and we have to honor that decision, and not make it any harder for her. She may perceive the 'gift' as pressure...or that you don't support her decison.
This little baby will have a wonderful new home with parents that want him!
I doubt that you could find a way to give it away with him to his new home. Adoptions are so anonymous and kinda secretive and private most of the time.
I would finish it, and give it to a charitable organization. Maybe your local hospital. Or, give it to the first baby boy born in your church, or some other group you may belong to!
I would frog the not-so-complete blankie and re-purpose the yarn.
In the meantime...I will pray for your heart to heal! :hug:
Give the mother a big hug. She needs it! :grphug:
sue in canada
09-17-2008, 10:56 PM
I missed your post before. So happy that it is all working out for the family. He is a beautiful baby.