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lynn893
07-24-2008, 09:15 PM
How would you approach a family member regarding a gift you had made for a new baby, considering not only the cost of the materials (over $40), but your time involved to create a beautiful hand-made outfit, knowing that the outfit had never been worn, let alone tried on?

Would you confront them?

It's a family member (SIL). I spent over 2 months knitting a beautiful sweater, hat and booties for her baby. Gave it to her upon the birth of her daughter, and a couple weeks ago (when I asked if she had taken any pics of the baby wearing it, so I could add them to my portfolio), she told me that she still hadn't worn it! (I knitted it in a 'newborne' size. The baby is almost 4 months old - there is NO way it will fit now)

We are seeing them again this weekend.... I so badly want to say something.... but not sure if I should.

What would you do?

suzeeq
07-24-2008, 09:47 PM
Let it go.... They may think it's too nice to put the baby in, being they spit up a lot, they may not think it's good enough, they got so many other items they didn't think of it... the list could go on. Doesn't matter, it was a gift and what people do with a gift is their choice and you don't have a say unfortunately.

It definitely would be nice if she showed some appreciation, but many people don't understand what goes into something hand made. So let it go.

zkimom
07-24-2008, 09:52 PM
I know you are probably disappointed after all the love and hard work you put into your gift but that's the downside of giving gifts sometimes.

I always try so hard to give something unique and special when I give a gift to someone but once the gift is given, I have to let go.

We can't expect everyone to have the same kind of tastes as we do or even the understanding of what goes into a handmade item. The thought behind the gift is what is most important. You put your love and hard work into something and it hopefully it was received graciously. After that, it's just gravy.

So if I were you, I would just let it go and not say anything.

The.Knitter
07-24-2008, 10:00 PM
Once a gift leaves your hands it is no longer yours, but the receiver's. Perhaps instead of commenting on her not using the outfit you could offer to teach her to knit. Then she would truly understand all the work you put into it. For now, buy a doll that the outfit would fit and give it to the baby. Tell the mother you'd really like for the doll to wear the outfit you made for the baby. When the baby is old enough she will have a gorgeous doll to play with, and the doll will be dressed in love from head to foot!!!

As knitters, we have to realize that most non knitting people just don't understand the emotion, love and hard work poured into each knitted gift! Once you can accept that, you will feel better! LOL, I've been knitting about 26 years. Soon perhaps I'll "feel better". So, do as I say, not as I do!!!

Plantgoddess+
07-24-2008, 10:01 PM
I agree with the others, just let it go. Newborns do seem to get a lot of clothing as gifts and grow out of them so quickly that some things may never get used.
It's a shame after all that loving work that went into the outfit, but give your SIL the benefit of the doubt.

Lisa R.
07-24-2008, 10:02 PM
I agree with the others. What would you say?

There's really no purpose to be served by confronting them. At best, you'll make them feel bad for hurting your feelings; at worst, they'll be angry that you had to gall to confront.

But the gift was given in love, and is now outgrown. Let it go. She may well cherish it anyway...you never know.

psquidy
07-24-2008, 10:21 PM
GRRR! Call me a b with a itch but i would probably mention to them that you loved making it and hoped they had got some use out of it. IF the say "no" haven't used it yet i would ask them to try it on the baby while you are there (just so you can see it). If it doesn't fit the baby tell them that you would pass it on to someone else if they didn't want it cluttering up ther place. But for G*Ds sake make sure they don't throw it out!!!! I made a sweater for a friends newborn baby and it turned out WAY to big so im still waiting to see if they use it or not. The thought of them not using it makes me sick! IT was cabled with a fan lace pattern in between and it was hard to make. I want so badly for it to be used and passed down as i intended but im just not sure it will be. I totally feel for you, and everyone here is right, non-knitters do NOT understand what goes into hand made things. Good luck. OXOXOXOXOXOX Meg

suzeeq
07-24-2008, 10:22 PM
For now, buy a doll that the outfit would fit and give it to the baby. Tell the mother you'd really like for the doll to wear the outfit you made for the baby.

Or a bear. I read a post on another forum where she'd made the BSJ so small it wouldn't fit even a newborn, but she had a bear the right size and was going to give it to the baby.

twoxover
07-24-2008, 10:22 PM
i think that they think the gift is way too nice to put on the baby.....and has probably been put away for "good"......perhaps you need to take it as a compliment?

betsey

Lisa R.
07-24-2008, 10:26 PM
Or a bear. I read a post on another forum where she'd made the BSJ so small it wouldn't fit even a newborn, but she had a bear the right size and was going to give it to the baby.

Oh! Dolls and bears are great ideas!

lynn893
07-24-2008, 10:31 PM
I guess my problem is that I want to knit something else for my beautiful little niece, but I'm not sure if I should waste my time.

Considering that my efforts wern't appreciated the first time around.....

I do like the 'doll' idea. Just not sure how I would ask that the outfit I made for the baby be given to the doll....

The.Knitter
07-25-2008, 12:24 AM
Just come right out and say it. If you pussy foot around the idea she will not understand your need to have the outfit on the doll. I have found recently that the direct route gets you there faster and easier. Good luck!

kristaj
07-25-2008, 12:28 AM
Wait until your niece is a toddler and is taking longer to grow out of clothes. You could knit her a sweater that she would use all winter long. The ironic thing about babies is we want them to grow up but at the same time they grow so fast during that first year you seem to be swapping out their clothes for bigger ones constantly.

As far as the first gift is concerned your SIL probably thought it was too nice for a baby to spit up and poop on. I know when I received beautiful handmade blankets for my two babies (before I learned to knit) I thought they were just too special for a baby to ruin. I still have them and will pass them on to my kids when they have children of their own. I know it seems silly not to use them, but I just couldn't stand to see them get stained. I also have a blanket that was made for me as a baby by my great grandmother. I know that my parents did not use it because they felt it was an heirloom, but I felt so special that it had been made for me that I brought both of my babies home from the hospital in it. Maybe your niece will do the same.

zkimom
07-25-2008, 06:59 AM
I guess my problem is that I want to knit something else for my beautiful little niece, but I'm not sure if I should waste my time.

Considering that my efforts wern't appreciated the first time around.....

I do like the 'doll' idea. Just not sure how I would ask that the outfit I made for the baby be given to the doll....

How about if you selected some patterns and let the mom choose which one she liked? That way you could avoid knitting up something that wouldn't get worn again.

Knit4Pie
07-25-2008, 07:20 AM
I know what you mean. Last Christmas I knit my stepmother a spa set, because she said she wanted one. 2 months later, I saw she had bought a set and mine was still wrapped up and shoved behind the towels (not carefully as though trying to keep it nice).

I won't confront her about it, but needless to say she will NOT be getting handknits from me again. If she asks me, then maybe I will mention this...but then again, maybe not. I'm not good at confrontations. I will not accept any requests from her though. That train has pulled out of the station.

I can hold a grudge for a VERY long time.

GinnyG
07-25-2008, 07:24 AM
As others have said I would not mention it, once a gift is given it leaves your hands. I would just assume she thought it was so beautiful that she didn't want anything to happen to it and she is keeping it safe;)

But I would not knit anything else at this point. Perhaps when your niece is older and you can give it directly to her but for now I would stick to knitting things for folks who want and appreciate your talent. If your SIL is not a knitter she may truly not understand the work and effort that went into it.

Mike
07-25-2008, 07:32 AM
If you have any other family members planning on babies I would suggest it be passed on if they're not planning more.
I don't have a problem giving conditional gifts, especially if I created them.

I would wait until the kid is old enough to say she wants to wear the item her aunt made before making another and give it to her instead of the mother. (The risk is she won't want to wear it.)
Even if she doesn't side with you you can make a joke about having to wear gift sweaters from the crazy old aunt no matter how much they don't like them so they know you notice the stuff you make isn't being used.

It's quite possible they didn't use it because it's handmade. My sister had to tell her son to let his wife use her crocheted afghans, she made them to be used not put into a museum.

knitgal
07-25-2008, 08:52 AM
Isn't that frustrating? You spend lots of time knitting a beautiful gift for someone and they don't use it.

It's a risk we take as knitters and I am in the school of thought that says once you gift it, it's no longer yours.

The bear/doll idea is very cute, but it's not really your place to decide what they do with it. Unfortunately it's not yours. I really really do understand what you're going through, but it's a gift.

What if you'd bought them a diaper bag and they never used it and you knew they didn't. Would you ask for it back? Most likely not.

I would probably ask if they had ever used it and when they say no, mention that it is for your neice and you really wanted it to be worn. I like the idea that someone else gave about letting the mother pick out a pattern she likes for the next outfit.

MMario
07-25-2008, 09:12 AM
Just because they never put it on the baby doesn't mean they don't appreciate it or treasure it. I once crocheted a shawl for a woman - and in 12 years never saw her wear it, nor heard that she had worn it. It was in a drawer in her spare room. Then she died; and at the funeral I was told she had requested to be buried in the shawl -"because it is the most precious gift I've ever been given". She had never worn it because she wanted to save it to be buried in!!!!!

(and yes, I wept)

jamiejeans
07-25-2008, 09:25 AM
My feelings would be hurt as well. Actually, something similar happened to me. I knit two really cute cardigans for my friend's daughters. They came out perfect and I loved them. I can remember quite clearly the look on my friends face when the kids opened their gifts...she was clearly disappointed. I don't see her too often, but I would bet my last dollar that those girls never wore the cardigans. I wanted to say something, but just had to let it go. I wasn't going to spoil a relationship over it. I just chalked it up to the fact that some people just don't realize handknit items are a lot of work and a lot of care has been put into it. Needless to say, I will never knit any gifts for anyone in her family again. I just buy store bought gifts that she likely returns for store credit.

Maddison
07-25-2008, 09:40 AM
My MIL went wild making sweaters and such for my son when he was born. I didn't put him in many of them because the buttons would fall off or it was just too hot for him. He was always hot and still is hot. I also got lots of blankets and those I used when he was old enough for them. It's somtimes just a matter of what a baby can handle. The doctor at the hospital said, just a cotton t-shirt is all he needs. And, that's all he wore for the first month. It was November and very cold!

MAmaDawn
07-25-2008, 09:52 AM
What about knitting her a toy?

rachael72knitter
07-25-2008, 10:01 AM
Personally I would just ask, but that's me. I often don't keep quiet when something is on my mind. I have asked before about other gifts. I bought a very expensive turqouise and silver bracelet for my bf and didn't ever see her wearing it and I said something to her along the lines of "it was expensive so I would hate that money to go to waste, I have the receipt, please take it back and get something you will wear." Now I know you can't do that with something you so lovingly knit, but in my mind, it could go to use at least. She might tell you something like "it didn't fit," or "it was too scratchy," or "I didn't think I could wash it if it got stained." Who knows. . .but I personally don't see the harm in asking. That way whatever the reason you know for future purposes.

lynn893
07-25-2008, 10:33 AM
Thank you so much to everyone who has commented.


Nevermind the $40 that the yarn cost me, what about the 2 months that I lovingly and painstakingly took making that set for her? I went back through some pictures I took, and I think it's such a darling set.... and I'm very very hurt by the fact it wasn't used.



I think I'm just not going to be as friendly as I normally would be to her. And if she asks me why, I'll tell her that I feel hurt by the fact that she hasn't used the set I made specially for her daughter. This way, maybe she'll offer me an explaination that will either 1) allow me to continue being mad at her, or 2) allow me to forgive and go on to my next project for the baby or 3) allow me to just forget it.

Mike
07-25-2008, 11:02 AM
I would rather be confronted.

Me and my sister are banging our heads trying to figure out what's up with my brother and sister-in-law.
We have no way of knowing what it the problem is or rectifying it. Them not being as friendly as normal serves no purpose. Whatever it started over has become a habit and now they deny that anything is up but it's obvious something is.

Eekee
07-25-2008, 11:18 AM
I would rather be confronted too. I understand your sadness about this and your frustration, but you're not going to get anywhere by being passive-aggressive.

Either come out and ask about it, or give it up.

miss_molly
07-25-2008, 11:58 AM
I'd let it go. It would be sad to spoil the relationship by embarrassing your sister-in-law or holding onto anger and resentment.

I do understand how you feel, though. A lot of time and fiddling goes into knitting baby garments, not to mention the love. When my first grandchild was expected I re-launched myself into knitting - which I hadn't done for many years - and painstakingly knit a large blanket using 8 balls of yarn at once. The time and tangles it took! I also knit some little cardigans and beanies and presented them proudly. I never noticed any enthusiasm or saw any of them used... my daughter-in-law does live in another state, so admittedly they might have been worn when I wasn't visiting, but I doubt it. I never saw them in photos of the baby nor was I given any thanks or appreciation.

I said nothing, felt hurt but shrugged it off. Made excuses to myself about the weather being perhaps too warm where they live. It wasn't until grandchild 3 a few months ago that suddenly my blanket was obviously in use, and I offered to make another, different, blanket, which was accepted (and appreciated!) and used. However I've no idea whatever happened to the cardigans, as they were girly and the next two babies were boys.

My lesson, other than the 2nd blanket, was to knit no more baby garments for her, which means not knitting for my dearly loved grandchildren and I wish I could have. I have however knit a doll's cardigan and blanket for my granddaughter, now 4, and she appreciates them. And my daughter is now pregnant with her first baby (another granddaughter for me!) and she only today went through my current stash of baby knits and chose quite a few, then noticed a colourful ball of yarn lying there and requested I make something in that colour. She likes rich colour and clean simple styles.

Perhaps your sister-in-law has different taste from you. Perhaps you knit a very modern style whilst she is more old fashioned in her taste. Or perhaps you knit a lacey or variegated style whilst she prefers modern. Its very difficult to give someone a garment that they will want to use, as we all have our own tastes. However, regardless of whether she used it, and even if it wasn't the style of garment she appreciates, it would have been nice if she'd used it because of the love it came with. It would have been nice of her to appreciate all your effort. She probably feels terrible about the situation, and please realise that she may well still appreciate your loving gesture in making it but doesn't know how to say so because the situation is so sensitive.

If you want to knit anything for the baby in the future, I'd do what someone else suggested - discuss it with your SIL, ask if she'd like to choose something, what type of yarn she prefers - plain colour or variegated, what style she likes - modern or conventional, jumper or cardigan or hoodie, etc. Perhaps show her a selection of different types of garments or ask her to show you a picture of the sort of thing she likes.

dmknits
07-25-2008, 12:03 PM
It is so awkward when people ask me if I've used a gift they've given me when the item is something I'm not interested in at all. I really don't appreciate being put on the spot. Because of that I make it a point not to ask about any gifts I've given them. I try to be thoughtful about what I give but, after that, I just don't care what they do with it even if it's a handmade item.

When my kids were infants, there were plenty of clothes given to them that I never had a chance to put on them. I stayed at home most of the time, usually had no reason to dress them up, wanted to save the good clothes from stains in case I needed them when going out, and mainly had my kids wearing onesies and sweatpants because they were easier for me. They grow so fast at that age that the window of opportunity to wear something is very small. Some items only fit my kids during the wrong season, like a thick winter item that only fit during the summer.

suzeeq
07-25-2008, 12:19 PM
I think it's always a good idea to give a newborn larger size clothing. They get so many and some of the `dress up' ones aren't really pracitical, and because they do grow so fast, particularly if they can wear a 3 mo size right off. So for both bought and made, it makes sense to give something at least a 6 mo size, which they might actually fit into at 3 months. I'm in that situation, my first grandchild is due in late January, but I figure the weather will be cool enough into April for a light sweater, and blankets don't get outgrown so much

KnittinMitchie
07-25-2008, 12:21 PM
My SIL and I do not get along sorry I have tried my best and have bent over backwards tryng to be friends or at least get to know her better. It her not me, we have what dad calls "personality" differences.

KEY example of this: we, as in dh, dd and I, took off for 3 weeks to go to her wedding in February. My daughter was the flower girl and hubby was in the wedding party. ME? Well I helped mom cut the cake, set up and clean up. yeah you see where I fall it in all of this.

So we get home from the wedding, had a nice trip too by the way. SIL sends us a TY card. Its JUST address to hubby not SSgt & mrs or SSgt & family. Then he opens it and she thanked him for coming and HIM for letting OUR daughter be a flower girl. Yeah I was a little bent out of shape.

This was the topper from her not thanking me for her christmas gift. PEEVED OFF I tell you.

So lesson learned or not depending on how you look at it. I either continue and just accept her not thanking me for gifts, which she does to the whole family, or just send cards for her birthday and christmas.

jcmom
07-25-2008, 12:34 PM
This subject came up on KH once before and the same thing happened to me. I've made the decision not to knit anything for anyone unless I ask them if they'd even like it in the first place. Some people are just not into handmade items no matter how much time and thought went into it. I'd let it go since it would really not serve a purpose other than you getting it of your chest so to speak.
Sorry, I'm sure it was beautiful........

Azlynn
07-25-2008, 12:36 PM
I would just ask her in a non-confrontational way. Here's why:

When my now 4-year-old was born, I received a bunch of clothing for him when he was a newborn; in fact, more than he could possibly wear before outgrowing them. Mostly what I really wanted him to wear then were those gowns that tie at the bottom because they were easier! I received this one outfit that was a white sweatsuit with frogs (I collect frogs) hand painted on them, and it was adorable. I did not want him to wear it because he puked all the time, and I didn't want him to ruin it. I had every intention of putting the outfit on him for a photo shoot and to take him out in one time. By the time that happened, the outfit was too small and I felt HORRIBLE!! I appreciated so much that my aunt had put so much thought into painting frogs on this outfit for him, and it meant so much to me. Unfortunately, he just grew too fast and wasn't able to wear it.

Looking back, I wish people had gifted me with less newborn things and more older-baby things so I could spread them out and not feel so pressured to have my baby wear them all before he outgrew them!

For what it's worth, I vacuum sealed that frog outfit and will be saving it to hand down to Jack so he will have it for his newborn - probably so that he can do the same thing and it will probably never be worn by anyone.

Ask her if you can make another outfit for the baby in a bigger size, and if it would have a better chance of being worn if that was the case. I bet it was innocent on her part and she might even feel really bad about the baby not being able to wear it before outgrowing it. :)

bjc1050
07-25-2008, 01:40 PM
Let it go.... They may think it's too nice to put the baby in, being they spit up a lot, they may not think it's good enough, they got so many other items they didn't think of it... the list could go on. Doesn't matter, it was a gift and what people do with a gift is their choice and you don't have a say unfortunately.

It definitely would be nice if she showed some appreciation, but many people don't understand what goes into something hand made. So let it go.

I agree. These are the most likely reasons the set wasn't used along with the possibility that the baby outgrew it before the mother could put it on her baby. Babies outgrow newborn sizes very fast. When making anything for children, I always try to make it a size larger than a supposed current or forseen size (as for a baby). That way they can always grow into it.

newamy
07-25-2008, 02:00 PM
When my son was a baby I received a few knit and crochet items. A the time I knew nothing about knitting or caring for the item. So I was very careful! He had a lovely striped knitted cardigan I had him wear a few times but I was always scared of ruining it. My daughter wore it a bit too and I have kept it because it was hand made. My son had a lovely crochet blanket too. All white with pink and blue trim. I never did use that because it was white! And because it wasn't as soft as his other blankets...great grandma has a red heart habit. But later when my daughter was born I mellowed a bit about using nice things. The same great grandma gave her a pink and ivory blanket that she still uses and really likes (she is 8) and you know, that red heart really holds up! And it's softer if you add a dryer sheet. We also have a crochet bear great grandma made. Neither kid found it to be that great of a toy but she made it and when we are doing toy clean out I insist that the bear always stays.

brittyknits
07-25-2008, 04:35 PM
Here's my big problem with the whole thing: what the heck is wrong with your SIL that she had to tell you her baby had never worn the outfit?! Why couldn't she have just said, I'm sorry, we never took a photo of her in it, but gosh, she wore it often and we love it. Forget that it was handmade/hand knit, even if you bought it at K-mart-- what a nasty thing to say, to tell someone that their gift had never been used. It's one of those "white lies" which I not only think is perfectly acceptable, but actually mandatory. And if it was because they thought it was too nice to get baby-mess all over it, she should have said that. I personally think she's grossly in the wrong here, but that doesn't fix the problem. Unfortunately, I don't have the answer for what to do about it-- if you ask her, you might get an answer you don't like and that will make you feel even worse towards her. Although, at least it would be out in the open. I'm just not too optimistic about the response you're going to get from someone who would think it was okay to respond to any gift in the way she did. Some expletives are coming to mind, but I'll be good:mrgreen: .

lynn893
07-25-2008, 08:44 PM
Brittnyknits completely hit it on the head!

This is not just a friend or an aquantence (sp) that I made a gift for. It's my husband's sister. Someone I've know for over 15 years!!!

And the problem was not that I made it for a newborn, I did make it at the 3-6 month size, but I know for a fact that when I had asked her if it had been worn (I was actually asking if she had taken any pics of it, and if she could send me one for my portfolio) that it would have fit the baby then, and if not, she would have been just outgrowing it... but was told that it hadn't even been tried on at that time (2 weeks ago - baby is now 4 months old)

Honestly, it p*sses me off.... and I think I really do have to say something to her, or I believe I might hold this grudge forever....

I do want to say a HUGE thank you to every one who responded! Thank you so much for your opinions and your stories.
I hate it that knitted gifts are not appreciated as much as a store bought gift. :(

Wanda Witch
07-25-2008, 09:37 PM
I have to agree with brittyknits. Some people just don't have manners. Nothing anyone can do or say will change that. I lose patience, at my elderly age, that younger people are not raised to thank someone (even if they hate the gift) immediately. I don't care HOW busy life is. Manners prevail. Oh well, old gal here, things are different, but I still say your SIL needs a volume on etiquete. What a shame you were put into this position after all the love and care shown in a beautiful gift. Next time, if there is one with you, K-Mart with a $9.99 price tag attached so she can exchange it. Whew! :grrr:

suzeeq
07-25-2008, 09:43 PM
Well being that it was 2 weeks ago that you asked about it, it may be she probably thinks it would be too warm for the baby to wear, even for a picture. I would, my babies wore t shirts and diapers in the summer after they were 3 months old, and that's all during the day. Nightgowns at night.

lynn893
07-26-2008, 09:44 AM
Actually.... they have central air in their home, and it's COLD in there. My neice could have been wearing this sweater and the booties with NO problems what-so-ever.

Anyway, we're seeing them tomorrow - it's my daughters birthday party and they'll be coming by with a gift, no doubt.

I'm actually thinking of bringing up the subject by asking her if I knit a hat & scarf set for Christmas (for the baby), if it'll be used, or if she'd prefer something else...

I'm going to advise her, that even though knitting a gift is so much more time consuming than going out to buy something, that I think a gift made with 'love' means so much more.....

Then I'll smile sweetly and say something like, 'and I'm sure something like that won't take the months of work that the baby set took me to make.'



:thumbsup:

The.Knitter
07-26-2008, 09:49 AM
Good luck tomorrow!

suzeeq
07-26-2008, 09:56 AM
lynn, I hope you're prepared for a negative reaction....

gmmarton
07-26-2008, 10:31 AM
Simple solution: Look at the "Charity Knitting" Thread on the Forum and check out the Oddball Baby Blanket links posted according to geographic region. We knit and distribute worsted weight and DK weight baby blankets for babies and preemies all around the country. It is very fulfilling knowing that the baby and baby's family are grateful for one's efforts. I would encourage you to join the group that represents your geographic region...as you knit your part of the blanket, you can see the item grow and evolve into something of such beauty. But the real joy is knowing that the item is well-received on the other end. It doesn't matter that we don't know who is getting the blanket.

I have been knitting since I was 14-years-old. I have learned, over many, many decades now, that knitting something for someone else is all about intention. It isn't about me and the product I make...once it leaves my hands, I have to let it go, regardless of what happens to it. That has been a big Life Lesson for me, but an important one.

Thank you for listening...

brittyknits
07-26-2008, 11:34 AM
LET US KNOW HOW IT GOES!!!!!!!!!:thumbsup:

Debbie
07-26-2008, 04:39 PM
Why not call her and say ... when you come over tomorrow, bring the baby outfit so we can have a photo session! I would love to have my picture taken with her in her outfit I made ... even if it is a bit too small, I bet you can squeeze her into it for a picture.
My MIL made a few sweaters for my youngest son ... yellow and green ... cuz way back then we didn't get to know if it was a boy or girl. Anyway, I think I tried them on him, I am sure he didn't ever wear them anywhere ..... but .... now that I am old and he is old .... and she is gone ... I wish I had a picture of him in his grandma made sweaters.

twoxover
07-26-2008, 06:19 PM
why be so nasty about this? i understand you are hurt...but man....you must be tough to have a friendship with at times (i tend to wear my heart on my sleeve...you always know what i'm thinking....)

my deceased MIL, when she was alive, would buy things for my daughter that were not my taste (she didn't do knitting or sewing)...but my MIL loved them. guess what...DD wore them when she visited that grandma. pretty simple. that your SIL has no manners is not your fault, but try being direct and asking if there is a problem with the sweater, if she would like something knitted for christmas, or would another gift be better suited for the little one?

again, i understand your frustration...but quit the "i'm so sweet and i'll say something nasty with a smile" syndrome!

betsey

brittyknits
07-26-2008, 11:11 PM
I find the above post to be personally attacking and therefore inappropriate. . .Moderators?. . .

lynn893
07-26-2008, 11:30 PM
why be so nasty about this? i understand you are hurt...but man....you must be tough to have a friendship with at times (i tend to wear my heart on my sleeve...you always know what i'm thinking....)

my deceased MIL, when she was alive, would buy things for my daughter that were not my taste (she didn't do knitting or sewing)...but my MIL loved them. guess what...DD wore them when she visited that grandma. pretty simple. that your SIL has no manners is not your fault, but try being direct and asking if there is a problem with the sweater, if she would like something knitted for christmas, or would another gift be better suited for the little one?

again, i understand your frustration...but quit the "i'm so sweet and i'll say something nasty with a smile" syndrome!

betsey

Excuse me?

I was only asking other opinions as to what others (in this situation) would or would not do.

This was a gift I made (MADE, not bought at a store) for my beloved newborn neice. I presented this gift set at the hospital to my sister in law (not a stranger or just a friend, my SIL).

When I had first visited her at her home, I asked her if I could get a picture of the baby wearing the set. She told me she would.

A couple weeks ago they were over to my house, and I was taking some pictures of the baby. I then asked if she would still send me some pics of the baby wearing the set I had made her.

My SIL's response was that they hadn't even tried the set on the baby yet. I replied "oh" kind of smiled and said "I hope it's not too small now". Then the baby started crying and I didn't say anything else.

BUT, to be honest..... I'm really pi$$ed off.
I've know my SIL for 15 years.... since she was 15!
I honestly believe that (for my own love of her) I have to advise her that I'm hurt that she never bothered to put this on her baby.

AND, the nicest way to do this (IMO) is by asking her what I can do for the baby for christmas.

Now, if you think I'm a shallow person for being hurt by her lack of curtisy towards a gift that took me over 2 months to make, SO BE IT.

I honestly don't care. I only care about how this will make me feel towards her in the future. And, if I can do something so that I don't hold a grudge against her, then I'll do it.

And, I know I will (hold a grudge) if I don't ask her about it.


Now, if she tells me that she thought it was too nice for baby to ruin, I'll say that I'm really sorry she felt that way, and then ask her if I can buy a doll that can wear said outfit.... otherwise, I'll have to live with whatever SIL replies to me, won't I.

Knit4Pie
07-27-2008, 07:51 AM
I've know my SIL for 15 years.... since she was 15!
I honestly believe that (for my own love of her) I have to advise her that I'm hurt that she never bothered to put this on her baby.

AND, the nicest way to do this (IMO) is by asking her what I can do for the baby for christmas.

Being honest would be the best way, and nicest way too. Hints and veiled references are the best way to confuse things even more. You've known the woman for 15 years....I'd think you would be able to be open with her.

Come right out with it. Take her aside and ASK her why. TELL her what you would like done with the set. EXPLAIN to her how it makes you feel. That is the best way. Yes, you're hurt and have a right to be. TELL her that.

Knitting_Guy
07-27-2008, 11:12 AM
I've always felt that honesty is best in these situations. Asking about it or expressing your feelings about it doesn't need to be confrontational or ugly, but it's best to clear the air.

I was talking with a lady the other evening and she was telling me about a baby blanket her sister had knit for her daughter. She had never actually allowed the baby to use the blanket as she valued it highly and didn't want it stained and ruined. She instead keeps it wrapped to protect it.

I told her that I felt, and her sister probably feels, that such things are meant to be used. Some people value such a gift so much that they don't want to risk it being ruined. Perhaps she's preserving it as a keep-sake.

suzeeq
07-27-2008, 11:34 AM
I agree that there's a more diplomatic way to express your hurt and frustration, especially since you've known her half her life. Come right out and tell her you put a lot of work into the set and had hoped to be able to get a picture of the baby in it, and you feel sad about it. You'd like to make more things, but want to know if they'd ever get worn. Let her explain and accept her explanation.

Jan in CA
07-27-2008, 12:10 PM
I know this is an emotional issue, but please be kind and thoughtful with your words everyone. :hug:

I had several hand crocheted/knit items from my grandma when my daughters were born. Although I was a stay at home mom with little use for fancy sweaters I did put them on them occasionally when we went out to eat or shopping. Gifts are meant to be used and if they end up stained and fuzzy that just means they were well loved.

I am in the process of knitting a little baseball sweater to go along with the converse booties and while I think the mother in this case will love and use them I will make sure I tell her that they were meant to be used not boxed up.

I know how frustrated you are and hope your conversation with your SIL today goes well. Life is too short to hold a grudge. :hug:

1knittychick
07-27-2008, 12:58 PM
I can see both sides to this. When my youngest was born (11 years ago) a lady I worked with crocheted a beautiful blanket for him. I was so scared that we would ruin it, I only used it once or twice and put it away. When I knitted a baby blanket for a friend of mine, she sent pictures of the baby dragging it around (by the time I finished it, she was crawling). I guess what I'm trying to say is that I would talk to her and go with the idea of a baby doll or bear.

Indygirl
07-27-2008, 01:35 PM
I understand how you feel. I knit a sweater for my DGD before she was born. My daughter told me it would not fit over her head. I re-knit the neck band. It did fit her but it must have been scratchy. She was not happy with it on. I knit it with Plymouth Dreambaby D.K. yarn.
I made her another sweater last year. I didn't see her wearing that one much either. She did wear it some. I ask my daughter about it. She said she wasn't sure but she thought it was small. She sent it home with me to try on Sophi this past fri night. It fit fine but Sophi said it is scratchy. It was made with 75% acrylic/25%wool PLymouth jelli beenz yarn. It feels very soft to me.
It might be that your SIL is afraid of hurting your feelings by telling what the problem is. You just never know about things like this. I would have never thought either of those sweaters were scratchy. I hope you do find out what the problem is. It's not fun knitting for people if you don't think the want you to.

hartleystudio
07-27-2008, 01:46 PM
I'm gonna chime in here and say that when I had my daughter I painstakingly knit a sweater and hat for her. I loved it and was so proud of it!!! this was a few years ago, I knit it while I was pregnant and it holds fond memories for me. I also never got around to putting it on her!!! It was hot, never fit comfortably and she spit up on everything in the world so I didn't want it to get ruined.

The gift is given, I am sure she appreciated it and you probably need to let it go. I would be HORRIBLY embarrassed if someone asked me if I ever used a particular gift. I could never look that person in the eye again and I might think badly of him/her afterwards. Have you ever gotten a gift you didn't use? Just because it wasn't handmade doesn't mean that it wasn't just as thoughtful or that the giver didn't work hard to earn the money to buy it.

I'm sorry you feel so badly, good luck with this one!!

ps, I love the doll/bear idea! Maybe a shadowbox instead? That's what I did with a knit pair of booties my friend gave me that wouldn't stay on so she didn't wear them. They are framed now with her birth announcement!

Jan in CA
07-27-2008, 01:58 PM
It fit fine but Sophi said it is scratchy. It was made with 75% acrylic/25%wool PLymouth jelli beenz yarn. It feels very soft to me.


Plymouth Encore (same content as jelli beenz) feels soft to my hand, but I can't wear it. The neck area especially is move sensitive on most people so some can wear it some not. I've pretty much given up on wool. :(

Indygirl
07-27-2008, 02:12 PM
Thanks Jan, My daughter and I have talked about this very thing. We have decided to go with cotton for Sophi. I have made her things with cotton and no problem, she loves for me to knit for her. She will go into my stash and pick out yarns and ask me to make her things with it.

Eekee
07-27-2008, 02:41 PM
Have I read this wrong? Did you say that you knit it at a 3-6 months size, and the baby is now 4 months? If so, unless this is a huge baby, there's still time. You are basing a lot of anger on one very short interaction about this (from what you've told us.) The SIL said she hadn't tried it on yet, which could mean a lot of things. Maybe she doesn't think it will fit yet, maybe she thinks it too hot for a sweater.

I hope your visit goes well today. Ask again about it, but ask directly.

jamiejeans
07-27-2008, 03:01 PM
Then I'll smile sweetly and say something like, 'and I'm sure something like that won't take the months of work that the baby set took me to make.'



:thumbsup:
LOL! Some would say this is being a passive aggressive b*tch but I love it. Let us know how that goes

ArtLady1981
07-27-2008, 05:08 PM
Yes, nice things are meant to be used, I agree with Knitting Guy's comment! But some folks keep the plastic wrappers on their lampshades. And Raymond Barron's mother (Everybody Loves Raymond) kept the plastic on her sofa!

Some folks want to preserve the item in pristine condition
rather than enjoy it/use it to its fullest.

Nothing wrong with either way! To each his own I say.

I give a gift out of love...and I assume my knitted gifts are received with gratitude. What the person does with it at the other end is something...well...ya just hope your gift went to an appreciative home! But ya can't predict, nor dictate either.

I haven't read all the posts thoroughly, so if I'm repeating what someone else said...sorry! And I'm sure not trying to contradict what anyone else has posted. Just my own 2 cents, for what it's worth. 2 cents. :teehee:

KnittinMitchie
07-27-2008, 05:33 PM
My daughter who is now 3 yrs old got several hand made blankets at birth PLUS all the ones my mom had kept from us kids. So I have PLENTY of blankets. Even though she is 3 we still used the hand made blankets. They are still big enough for her to snuggle under but too small to be used on her twin bed.
I even change the blanket out that I keep folded at the foot of her bed or drape them over the back of my arm chair in the living room. My grand dad made her a quilt and it's on her bed in the winter time, We live in Texas where it gets hot.

I've tried my best to use all of the blankets at one point but its hard.

lynn893
07-27-2008, 08:59 PM
Have I read this wrong? Did you say that you knit it at a 3-6 months size, and the baby is now 4 months? If so, unless this is a huge baby, there's still time. You are basing a lot of anger on one very short interaction about this (from what you've told us.) The SIL said she hadn't tried it on yet, which could mean a lot of things. Maybe she doesn't think it will fit yet, maybe she thinks it too hot for a sweater.

I hope your visit goes well today. Ask again about it, but ask directly.

I never said I was angry at my SIL.
I said 'if it was never even tried on, I'd be really hurt. Considering all the time and effort I put into this.'

I also just wanted to hear other knitters opinions of how they feel when they give their knitting as gifts, if they know the gift was not used, as there were a couple occasions when I'd seen her and was told the gift was as yet unused and not even tried on.



I love my SIL, and my neice! When I saw them today, it was great! We were talking and I told her I was planning what I was going to do for Christmas... I told her all gifts were going to be knitted. I asked her if I should do a toy or another sweater for the baby.

My SIL told me she tried the sweater on the baby last week and it just barely fit her, that she thought she had more time, and didn't realize how fast the baby grew... but that she took a couple pictures if I still wanted them.... I told her I did, and we talked abit about if I ended up doing another sweater, if she wanted to pick out the yarn, or the pattern.... etc. She told me no, that she would leave all that up to me, that she loved the set I had done, just didn't realize how fast the baby was growing.....

So.... am I ok with this? YES. It was only the thought that my work was unappreciated that was making me feel hurt.

I think in the future, I'm going to take the advice of many other knitter gifters, and decide that what's done with the gift after it leaves my hands is none of my concern.

I would like to thank everyone who added their 2 cents to this thread! :grphug:

Knitting_Guy
07-27-2008, 09:01 PM
I only added a cent and a half, hope that's ok. :mrgreen:

lynn893
07-27-2008, 09:07 PM
you're too funny, mason! :hug:

suzeeq
07-27-2008, 09:49 PM
Yay! I'm glad everything worked out okay. She probably looked at it when the baby was tiny and thought it was huge.

GinnyG
07-28-2008, 07:39 AM
So glad you are feeling a little better about it all! Maybe she will save the sweater for the "next" baby!

miccisue
07-28-2008, 08:21 AM
First off, I"ve read the posts and know everything was resolved to everyone's satisfaction, and I'm very happy that everything's cool now.
But, if I may offer some advice......the next thing you (or anyone else makes), don't make it quite so perfect. I know this from personal experience. Before I learned to knit, I crocheted (very slowly, I might add). One year for Christmas I decided to make my in-laws an afghan. I got it done, and was so proud of myself....it used scallops instead of the traditional ripple (which was really all I knew how to do, LOL!) and it was gorgeous. (I might add it was made from a kit from Herrschner's, as they didn't sell the instructions separately, so the yarn wasn't as thick as I was used to using, though). Anyway, fast forward about 6 months, and I'm out there, and my youngest SIL drags out this fantabulous crocheted afghan. I mean, this sucker had bobbles and flowers and all kinds of fancy stuff that was waaayyyy beyond my limited skills. She said one of the neighbors made it. I commented on how beautiful it was, only to be told "oh yes. We put this one away - it's too good to be used. We use you yours ALL THE TIME!"
I didn't know whether to be pleased, or whether I was being subtly told that my blanket didn't quite measure up (you gotta know this SIL to realize that is completely within the realm of possibility - zing someone and make it sound like a complement...and poke them with a stick while you're at it.LOL!) Anyway, being that hubby and I had only been married a couple of years, I went home and bawled my eyes out.
To be honest, with age and wisdom (???) I would probably hit her between the eyes now with "God, it is it THAT bad?!!!!! (I'll let her be passive/aggressive, and I"ll just be aggressive.):roflhard:
Anyway, it's funny now, but it sure wasn't back then. For weeks I cried whenever I thought about it....

There kiddies, is my funny story for the day. (Oh heck, I don't know.....it just seemed funny to me and seemed to fit in the topic. So sue me............):wink:

Eekee
07-28-2008, 10:29 AM
I'm glad you had a nice visit and got the answer you were looking for. It would stink to have to hold a grudge over this.

Denise in Michigan
07-28-2008, 02:14 PM
I'm glad this all worked out so well in the end! Most of our worries and conflicts are due to misunderstandings or misconceptions.

An example:
My Mom loves when I give her handmade gifts. She sewed beautifully (could have been a professional seamstress) and made much of our clothing until she had to go back to work when my Dad died. She also used to make determined efforts to crochet and embroider, with modest success, so she understands the effort that goes into handmade items.

Yes, she loves my handmade gifts...but she rarely used them. She's one of those folks who thinks that handmade sweaters, fancy afghans, and socks are "just too good to wear and wear out". I realized one day that she did use the hats, mittens, scarves, plainest blankets, and embroidered pictures and pillows I had made. And then it hit me: that's just the way she is! I'd still love to see her in the sweaters and socks I've made, but I'm happy to know that my blankets keep her warm at night; my hats, mittens, and scarves match her coats and make her cosy; and my pictures and pillows brighten her walls, sofa, and bed!

kungpowchickin
07-28-2008, 02:25 PM
Personally, I received a beautiful little hand-knitted outfit when my baby was born. It was all white, however, and I just couldn't bear to let my little barf-monger destroy it with his spit up. I treasure the outfit, though, because it was made by a dear friend. I wouldn't be surprised if your sister in law feels the samw way about the gift you made...although she should have said something to that effect when you asked about it, rather than just let you think it was totally taken for granted.

Wanda Witch
07-28-2008, 02:41 PM
I am certain all of us here are glad to know you and your SIL resolved any problems. I can understand your frustation though, as recently I received nary a thank you for a nice scarf (the Pidge type with good yarn and several headaches) which was my first project back into knitting after many years. Hopefully now your SIL will be a little more aware of all the love that goes into any stitch for knitted presents in the future from you. Personally, I am glad you cleared the air. Wish I would have with my no-thanks, etc. I'm still bummed.

LovelyLinda
07-28-2008, 03:26 PM
When my daughter was born I received about 3 handmade cardigans from different family members and I loved each one of them. I did not knit back then but had always wanted to learn. Although my daughter also threw up a lot I still was able to have her wear each one several times before she outgrew them.

I have kept each handmade item for her when she is full grown. To this day when I go through those baby items and come across the handmade cardigans, I have very fond memories of her wearing them.

I am really glad everything worked out with your SIL. And miccisue, I loved your story. I have received many back handed compliments as well. Ya Gotta love those. :roll: