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feministmama
11-01-2008, 02:29 PM
Where is it? I did a search and went back 10 pages and couldn't find it. Oh well, let's start a new one. Bring on the jokes!!!

feministmama
11-01-2008, 10:01 PM
Alright I'll go first


The Pope was in town for some boring meetings, nothing special. Having never
driven a limo, he asks the chauffeur if he can drive for a
while. Well, the chauffeur doesn't have much of a choice,
so he climbs in the back of the limo and the Pope takes
the wheel.

The Pope proceeds down the highway, and starts accelerating
to see what the limo can do. He gets to about 90 mph, and
suddenly he sees the red & blue lights of a cop in his
mirror. He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window.
The trooper, seeing who it is, says, "Just a moment please,
I need to call in."


The trooper calls in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief
that he's got a REALLY important person pulled over, and
asks how to handle it.


"Is it the Governor?"


"No! Even more important!"


"Is it the PRESIDENT???"


"No sir! Even *more* important!"


"Well WHO THE HECK is it?" screams the chief.


"I don't know sir," replies the trooper, "but the Popes his driver."

saracidaltendencies
11-02-2008, 12:11 AM
One of my FAVS!!! :teehee:


One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house.

His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the
front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.

In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and
the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world did I do today?"

"Yes" was his incredulous reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

saracidaltendencies
11-02-2008, 12:21 AM
Ok, another (or a few more)...lol...I have a TON saved on my computer :teehee:

Advertising Lingo


Ever wonder what all those advertising terms really mean?

NEW - Different color from previous design.

ALL NEW - Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.

ADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesn't understand it.

EXCLUSIVE - Imported product.

UNMATCHED - Almost as good as the competition.

FOOLPROOF OPERATION - No provision for adjustments.

IT'S HERE AT LAST - Rush job. Nobody knew it was coming.

FIELD TESTED - Manufacturer lacks test equipment.

HIGH ACCURACY - Unit on which all parts fit.

FUTURISTIC - No other reason why it looks the way it does.

REDESIGNED - Previous flaws fixed - we hope.

DIRECT SALES ONLY - Factory had a big argument with distributor.

YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - We finally got one to work.

BREAKTHROUGH - We finally figured out a use for it.

MAINTENANCE FREE - Impossible to fix.

MEETS ALL STANDARDS - Ours, not yours.

SOLID-STATE - Heavy as anything

HIGH RELIABILITY - We made it work long enough to ship it.


*****


An Adult Christmas Story

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick and the trainee elves weren't making toys as fast as the regulars, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa out even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found the three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had drunk everything. In frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten it. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa went to the door, cussing all the way. When he opened the door, there stood an angel with a tree.

"Where would you like to put the tree?" the angel asked.

And that, my friend is how the angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.


******

Church Bulletin Bloopers:

Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually
appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at
Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

2... Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER &FASTING
Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting &Prayer Conference
includes meals.

3. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon
tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

4. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in
the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

5. Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of
those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your
husbands.

6. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due
to a conflict.

7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at
someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care
much about you.

8. Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

9. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving
obvious pleasure to the congregation.

10. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
nursery downstairs.

11. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all
the help they can get.

12. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more
transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes
of Pastor Jack's sermons.

13. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir
will sing: " Break Forth Into Joy."

14. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

15. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow.

16. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is
Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

17. Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

18. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

19. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
person you want remembered.

20. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy
lunch.

21. The church will host an evening of fine dining, super
entertainment and gracious hostility.

22. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to
follow.

23. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.
They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

24. This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn sing in the park across
from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

25. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All
ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is
done.

26. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation
would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next
Sunday.

27. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please
use the back door.

28. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend
this tragedy.

29. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian
Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

30. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign
slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge ! - Up Yours!"


*****

Ok, that's all I'll post for now...lol

saracidaltendencies
11-02-2008, 01:14 AM
Ok, just had to add one more...lol...Going through all my jokes and forgot about this one!

History's Worst Typo

A new young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscript is held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes downstairs to look for him.

He sees him banging his head against the wall, and wailing "We forgot the "R", We forgot the "R" His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word is celebrate." "The word is celebRate."

HollyP
11-02-2008, 02:25 PM
LOL Demonica! Celebrate:chair:!

Denise in Michigan
11-02-2008, 03:14 PM
Apologies in advance to our male crafters (although this could actually work both ways!):
How to Stay Married
A man and a woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.

She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000. He asked her about the contents.
"When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.
"Honey," he said "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"

"Oh, that?" she said. "That's the money I made from selling the dolls."

*******************************

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Plantgoddess+
11-02-2008, 04:52 PM
> Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?

>

> Try a bookstore-------under fiction.

>

> Q: What can a man do while his wife is going throughmenopause?

>

> A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.

>

> Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in theBible. Is that

> true? Where can it be found?

>

> A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: "And Mary rode Joseph's *** all the way to Egypt.."

>

> Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?

>

> A: Tell him you're pregnant.

>

> Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of theelderly-----wrinkles?

>

> A: Take off your glasses

>

> Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face

>

> A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.

>

> Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?

>

> A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

>

> Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?

>

> A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.

>

> Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?

>

> A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

>

> Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?

>

> A: On their foreheads.

>

> Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?

>

> A: "Gosh, I remember these."

Ingrid
11-02-2008, 10:24 PM
What's red and smells like blue paint?







. . . . . . . . . .














.. . . . . . . . .










Red paint.:rofl:

Hildegard_von_Knittin
11-03-2008, 12:29 AM
INGRID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :roll:


A 3-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and says:
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

saracidaltendencies
11-03-2008, 12:50 AM
Ok, another daily dose...lol...Here goes:

Zen Sarcasm

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,
for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much
leave me the heck alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a
leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your
neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can be replaced, you can't be
promoted.

6. No one is listening until you fart.

7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of
car payments.

10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their
shoes. That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away and you
have their shoes.

11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to
fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably worth it.

14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

15. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes
from bad judgment.

18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and
put it back in your pocket.

19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side,
and it holds the universe together.

21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are
moving.

23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need
it.

24. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

25. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our
butt...Then things get worse.

26. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a
laxative on the same night.

27. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

28. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too
seriously.

29. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to
make a big deal about your birthday...around age 11.

30. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.


*****

WORDS WOMEN USE

FINE........
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right
and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks -
this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES..........
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that
your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's
an even trade.

NOTHING..........
This means "something," and you should be on your toes.
"Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to
turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies
an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)............
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset
over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows) ...............
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will
get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing"
and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools
off.

LOUD SIGH...............
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement
often misunderstood by men.
A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders
why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over
"Nothing"

SOFT SIGH.............
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is
content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY............
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man.
"That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you
back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with
the word "Fine" and in conjunction
with a "Raised Eyebrow."

GO AHEAD................
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big
trouble.

PLEASE DO ...................
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to
come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is
that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and
you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"

THANKS...............
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT .......................
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when
she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"


*****

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively
mischievous. They were always getting into trouble, and their parents
knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were
probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in
disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the
mother sent her 8-year old first, in the morning, with the older boy
to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy
down and asked him sternly. "Where is God?" The boy's mouth dropped
open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging
open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even
sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again, the boy made no attempt to
answer. So, the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his
finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove
into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother
found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for air, replied, "We are in BIG trouble
this time, dude. God is missing, and they think WE did it!!"


*****

Things My Mother Taught Me


1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...
"Just wait until your father gets home."

2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING....
"You are going to get it when we get home!"

3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE...
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you! Don't talk back to me!"

4. My Mother taught me LOGIC...
"If you fall out off that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

5. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE...
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD...
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."

7. My Mother taught me HUMOR...
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

8. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

9. My Mother taught me about GENETICS...
"You're just like your father."

10. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS...
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

11. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE...
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

And last but not least...

12. My Mother taught me about JUSTICE...
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you....Then you'll see what it's like!"

Abbily
11-04-2008, 03:38 PM
Read these out loud, they're better that way.

One man says to the other, "I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam, I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam!" The other man says, "Calm down, you're too tense!" (two tents)

-----------------------------

Three strings are walking down the street, and they're terribly thirsty. They pass a bar, but it has a sign that says "No strings allowed." The first string says, "I don't care what it says, I'm getting a beer!" He walks in and asks for a beer. The bartender says, "Didn't you see the sign?!" and throws the string out.

The second string gets a trench coat and dark glasses, creeps into the bar, and timidly asks for a beer. The bartender peers at him, says "We don't serve your kind here!" and throws him out of the bar.

The third string ties himself up, fluffs up his top and his bottom, and marches up to the bar to order a drink. The bartender says, "Hey, aren't you a string?" and the third string says, "Nope, I'm afraid not!" (frayed knot)

saracidaltendencies
11-05-2008, 11:29 PM
I've been slacking! lol


Sentences Found In Patients' Hospital Charts

1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a
year.

3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it
disappeared.

4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but
forgetful.

8. The patient refused autopsy.

9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with
only 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

14. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.

15. She is numb from her toes down. 16. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

17. The skin was moist and dry.

18. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

20. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life,
until she got a divorce.

22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
therapy.

23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

24. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. [Just
how big IS "circus sized"?]

25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

26. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

27. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

28. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

30. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

31. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.


*****


Q: What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
A: If we don't get some support soon people are going to think were nuts.


*****


BLONDE ICE FISHING

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the
subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she
made for the ice. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started
to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice
boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of
cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heaven
the voiced bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of
the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her
hole. The voice came once more, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?"

The voice replied, "No, this is the manager of the hockey rink."

Tropicflower24
11-06-2008, 01:08 PM
5 people were in a airplane heading back from a deserted island. There was the pilot, engineer, doctor, pastor and a boy scout.
Suddenly the engine malfunctions, and the pilot screams, "there are only 4 parachutes. I have to go becuase I am the pilot and I saw what happened. I'll save millions of lives." and he grabs a parachute and jumps out. The engineer yells, "I am the engineer, and I now have valuble information regarded this airplane and how to make future models better." He grabs the parachute and jumps out. The doctor run up and says "I am a doctor. I will save millions of lives becuase I am the smartest man in the universe." He grabs a parachute and jumps out.
The pastor turns to the boy scout and says "Son, I have lived a full life. There is only one parachute left. I want you to take it. You have your whole life ahead of you." The boy scout responded, "Sir, we can both go. The smartest man in the universe just jumped out with my backpack."

kellyh57
11-06-2008, 02:03 PM
5 people were in a airplane heading back from a deserted island. There was the pilot, engineer, doctor, pastor and a boy scout.
Suddenly the engine malfunctions, and the pilot screams, "there are only 4 parachutes. I have to go becuase I am the pilot and I saw what happened. I'll save millions of lives." and he grabs a parachute and jumps out. The engineer yells, "I am the engineer, and I now have valuble information regarded this airplane and how to make future models better." He grabs the parachute and jumps out. The doctor run up and says "I am a doctor. I will save millions of lives becuase I am the smartest man in the universe." He grabs a parachute and jumps out.
The pastor turns to the boy scout and says "Son, I have lived a full life. There is only one parachute left. I want you to take it. You have your whole life ahead of you." The boy scout responded, "Sir, we can both go. The smartest man in the universe just jumped out with my backpack."

Haha! I've heard that one but they used Bill Gates instead of the smart doctor!

Kelly

Shandeh
11-07-2008, 05:52 AM
How many divas does it take to replace a lightbulb?

One...She stands up and holds the bulb, while the world revolves around her.

saracidaltendencies
11-07-2008, 12:26 PM
:roflhard:

I've heard a variation of that one, Shandeh, replacing "diva" with "men" :teehee:

Crycket
11-07-2008, 01:16 PM
Ok...I don't want to take credit for this one...but I made it up in grade two...and it was funny to me at the time.....


Why did E.T. drink a lot of beer?



















He is an ALE-ian

Shandeh
11-07-2008, 01:32 PM
:teehee: Cute!

:roflhard:
I've heard a variation of that one, Shandeh, replacing "diva" with "men" :teehee:
The one I originally heard was with "sopranos" instead of "divas". I changed it to make sense in the forum. :)

I have LOTS of musician jokes. :mrgreen:

Arielluria
11-07-2008, 02:02 PM
I'm horrible at remembering jokes. For some reason there's only ONE that has stuck in my head, I guess because it's so silly or because the one telling it was a sheep (it was Lambchop)..........at the risk of ruining my online image here goes.........

Why did the elephant sit on the marshmellow?. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .To keep from falling into the hot chocolate :shock:

:roflhard: That STILL cracks me up!
:flirt:

Shandeh
11-07-2008, 02:09 PM
I have no idea where I heard this joke. Maybe here in the forum. Anyway, it's copied to my computer, so I'm sharing it now:

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look.

He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

Knitting_Guy
11-07-2008, 07:50 PM
Geez, I just realized I don't know any jokes clean enough to post here :rofl:

I'll just post the best poem I've ever written instead.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Doorknobs

katknit
11-07-2008, 08:21 PM
Someone told me this yesterday.

The Sick Day

A man calls into work and says, ' I'm not coming into work today, I'm really sick. I've got a headache, a stomach ache and my legs hurt. I can't come in."

The boss says, ' I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.'

Two hours later the man calls again.
'I followed your advice, and now I feel great. I'll be in right away. And boy, you've sure got a nice house.'

Shandeh
11-07-2008, 10:09 PM
:roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard: That's GREAT! :thumbsup:


Roses are red
Violets are blue
Doorknobs
:teehee:
I know a version of that too, Knitting Guy:

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I'm schizophrenic
And so am I

saracidaltendencies
11-07-2008, 10:59 PM
Marriage -- Part One...
1) Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (a life sentence).
2) Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are still attached.
3) Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.
4) Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Master's.
5) Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger, and two under the man's eyes.
6) Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.
7) Marriage is not just a having a wife but also worries inherited forever.
8) Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "RINGS":
* The Engagement Ring
* The Wedding Ring
* The Suffe-ring
* The Endu-ring
9) Married life is full of excitement and frustration:
* In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
* In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
* In the third year, they both speak and the NEIGHBORS listen.
10) It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.
11) Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that instead.
12) It's true that all men are born free and equal-but some of them get MARRIED!
13) There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.
14) A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.
15) Conversations between son & father:
Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.
Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!

*****
Marriage -- Part Two...
16) There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married.... and then it was too late!"
17) Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
18) They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense.
19) When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
20) There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through HELL.
21) Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest. (Irwin Corey)
22) When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably something his wife can beat him at. (Epperson's law)
23) Honeymoon: A short period of doting between dating and debting. (Ray Bandy)
24) The more I know about men, the more I like dogs. (Gloria Allred, feminist attorney, 1995)
25) If God wanted women to understand men, football would never have been created. (Anonymous)
26) If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry. (Chekhov)
27) Love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions. (Woody Allen)
28) Once a boy becomes a man, he's a man all his life. But a woman is only sexy until she becomes your wife. (Al Bundy)
29) If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam. ( Johnny Carson)
30) Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back. (Al Bundy)
31) An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her. (Agatha Christie)

Knitting_Guy
11-07-2008, 11:58 PM
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I'm schizophrenic
And so am I

We don't get it. :rofl:

Shandeh
11-08-2008, 03:57 AM
Figures :teehee:

ArtLady1981
11-08-2008, 05:10 AM
The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob,
because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of
them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning
with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, 'Man, what
happened to you? He said, 'Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and
watched him all night. '

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing
hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, 'Man, what
happened to you? You look awful!' He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the
roof with his snoring. I watched him all night .'

The third night was Pete's turn. Pete was a big burly ex-Navy man; a
man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast all bright eyed and bushy-tailed.
'Good morning,' he said. They couldn't believe it! They said, 'Man, what happened?'
He said, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt,
and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night!'

ArtLady1981
11-08-2008, 05:19 AM
1: When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.....so, I took her to a gas station.....

2: I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light f or $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

3: My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

4: I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

5: I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.' He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?' 'Nah, she can order for herself.'

jess_hawk
11-08-2008, 08:05 PM
From choir rehearsal:
"Men, please be sure to enunciate at measure 78, where there aren't any words."

saracidaltendencies
11-09-2008, 11:50 PM
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies:
"I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers,
"My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds,
"Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!" "OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?" "Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK.
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

Shandeh
11-10-2008, 03:41 AM
:teehee:

feministmama
11-12-2008, 11:51 PM
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies:
"I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers,
"My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds,
"Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!" "OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?" "Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK.
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

THat's AWESOME!!!!!!!!:roflhard::roflhard::roflhard::rofl hard:

saracidaltendencies
11-13-2008, 10:21 AM
Three Pints of Guinness ...
An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?" The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please." So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.
The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."
The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.
The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.
The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."
The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine. It's me! I've quit drinking!"

KnerdKnitter
11-13-2008, 05:31 PM
A panda walked into a bar, and much to the bar tenders surpise, ordered a dinner special. In awe of such an unusual Panda, he made sure his order was the first one out of the kitchen.

The Panda ate quietly and when he finished his dinner he thanked the bar tender then proceeded to shoot everyone in the bar. When he had finished he ran out.

The only person to survive was the bar tender, who ran after the Panda. When he caught it he breathly asked.
"Why did you shoot everyone?!"
"I'm a Panda, look me up in the dictionary."

So the bar tender did, and this is what he found.

"Panda: Eats shoots and leaves."

-----------------------------------------------
I think this one is REALLY funny and I hope it doesn't offend anyone :(

A man gets on to a plane and sits in his window seat. As the other passengers enter he begins to wonder who is going to sit beside him. Suddenly the most beautiful woman he has ever seen comes strolling down the isle. He starts to whisper to himself, "Please let her sit next to me." And she did! The man was very excited and after they took off he decided to strike up a conversation.
"Business or pleasure?"
"Business actually, I'm going to a convention."
"Oh really what type?"
"Nymphomaniacs of America."
The man is so elated he can hardly speak but he manages to reply.
"And uh, what are you doing there?"
"I'm giving a talk on sexual myths based on personal experiance, for instance, the rumour is that italians are the best lovers, but I have found that it's the Jewish male who is the best. Another is that African American males are the largest, but tha simply isn't true, it is the Native American male who is. And finally, that Germans have the best stamina, but I personally believe it is the white male from the southern states. Oh but I feel so embarassed telling you all this when I don't even know your name!"
The man sits quietly for a second, his face unreadable before he says,
"Tonto, Tonto Goldstien, but my friend call me Bubba"

XD

ArtLady1981
11-13-2008, 06:11 PM
I look forward to this thread more than any other thing I keep up on!!!!

Keep them coming!!! http://bestsmileys.com/clapping/1.gif

saracidaltendencies
11-17-2008, 05:39 PM
Who's Up There?

A nine year old boy asks his mother, "Is God male or female?"
After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well God is both male and female."
This confuses the boy, so he asks, "Is God black or white?"
"Well," she says, "God is both black and white."
This really confuses the boy, so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?" Feeling a bit out of her depth, but wanting to be consistent, the mother answers, "Honey, God is both gay and straight."
At this the boy's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks...
"Is Michael Jackson God?"

:roflhard:

cphkat
11-17-2008, 10:59 PM
I, too love this thread. For better or worse, here goes....

1)
A Letter To The Bank

Dear sirs:


In view of what seems to be happening to banks internationally at the moment, I was wondering if you could advise me:

One of my checks was returned marked 'insufficient funds', does that refer to me or to you???

Please advise.....



2)
This will probably bring back many memories to any of us having had experiences with small children's conversations. For most people, Thanksgiving is a time to reflect on what we've been given and to savor the scents of crisp autumn days and pumpkin pie, but for this woman it has a whole different meaning:

One November afternoon when my daughter was in kindergarten, I picked her up after school. She bobbed out to the car and crawled into the back seat.

"What did you do today?" I asked.

She couldn't wait to tell me. "We learned that boys are different from girls" she chirped. Looking into the rearview mirror I could just see the top of her head.
"My teacher told us that boys have a thing the girls don't," she added.

"Well, yes they do..." I said cautiously.

Then she piped up again. "That's how girls know that boys are boys," she said. "They see that thing hanging down and they know that he's a boy..." I mentally calculated the distance home. Our five-minute commute already felt like an hour.

"Did you know that when the boys see a girl they puff up?"

My palms were beginning to sweat. "Um...well.." I was still searching for something to say, to change the subject, when she asked, "Why do the girls like boys to have those things?" Well I didn't know what to say. I mean, what woman hasn't asked herself that very same question at least once? "Oh, well...um..." I stammered.

She didn't wait for my answer. She had her own. "It's cause it moves when they walk and when girls see that they know they're boys and that's when they like them. Then the boy sees the girl and he puffs up, then the girl really knows he likes her too. And then they get married. And then they get cooked."

That last part confused me a bit, but on the whole I thought she had a pretty good grasp on things. As soon as we got home she hopped out of the car, fishing some-
thing out of her school bag. "I drew a picture," she said. "...you want to see?"

I wasn't all that sure I did, but I looked anyway. I had to sit down. There, all puffed up so to speak, looking mighty attractive for the ladies, was a crayon drawing of a great big Tom Turkey. His snood, the thing that hangs down over his beak, the thing that female turkeys find so irresistible, was magnificent. His tail feathers were standing tall and proud.

She was a little offended that I laughed so hard at her drawing. I laughed until I cried. But I told her I loved it - and I did - and she got over her pique. That was the end of that... for her anyway. But I'm not so lucky. Every year I remember that conversation, and to be honest I haven't looked at a turkey or a man the same way since.

HAVE A HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

3) Similar, but still funny....
A Husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a

case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.


'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so

they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and

puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'

On the PA system: 'Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a husband down.

4)
A friend of mine called me to complain about a problem she was having with admission to online instruction at her state university. She knew I had been teaching online since ’94 and wanted to know if I’d ever heard of her problem. And she was looking for a recommendation to break the log jam. It seems that she decided to go back to school online to finish the degree she never finished once she started having kids. They are now in college and encouraged Mom to finish up.

She got admitted to the college and enrolled in her first online course only to get an email from the registrar's office telling her that she still needed to submit a copy of her immunization records to the college. She sent them a reply saying that she was an online student and was seven hundred miles away from the campus. (And she had no idea where her childhood immunization records were.) They replied that she could still be a health hazard to other students if her immunization record was not up to date. They were insistent.

I told her to Xerox a copy of her Norton Anti virus program and email it to the school.

She did. She never heard back from the bureaucrat. She is happily taking the course now.

That's all for now....enjoy. I love this thread.

Kat

Cynamar
11-17-2008, 11:28 PM
I know a ocuple of real good ones that I probably shouldn't share. I need to check my old emails to find something.

ecb
11-18-2008, 01:45 AM
I sent this one to my Boss at the non-Profit youth organization
she still laughs when i walk in

================================================== =========================

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic
garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped, and every once in a
while, a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman
stopped her, and said, 'Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that
bag.'

'Oh, really? Darn it!' said the little old lady. 'I'd better go back and
see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.'

'Well, now, not so fast,' said the cop. 'Where did you get all that
money? You didn't steal it, did you?'

'Oh, no, no', said the old lady. 'You see, my back yard is right next to
the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee
through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It used to
really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know.

Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, on game days, I
stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge
clippers.

Every time some guy sticks his pecker through my fence, I surprise him,
grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'

'Well, that seems only fair,' said the cop, laughing. 'OK. Good luck!
Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?'

'Well, you know', said the little old lady, 'not everybody pays.'

ecb
11-18-2008, 01:53 AM
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR
OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD.
WELL YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.

MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN? UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL .

'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.

HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?'
'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED .
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN, THAT
UGLY,
OLD,
BALD,
WRINKLED,
FAT ***,
GRAY-HAIRED,
DECREPIT
SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED,

'WHAT DID YOU TEACH ???'

================================================== =

A Louisiana Dept of Transportation employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, 'I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road.'

The old farmer said, 'OK, but don't get out in that pasture over there.' The Highway Dept. employee flashed out his identification card and said, 'I have the authority of the State of Louisiana to go any where I want. See this card? I will go wherever I wish.'

So the old farmer went about his farm chores.

It wasn't too much later and the farmer heard loud screams and yelling. He looked over and saw the Highway Dept. employee running for his life and right behind was the farmer's huge prize bull. The bull was madder than a hornet's nest and was gaining on the employee at every step.

The old farmer yelled out, 'Show him your card, Smart ***.... Show him your card!!

Denise in Michigan
11-18-2008, 02:21 PM
Check out the thread on here "You Brits are just too funny"! Hilarious and topical!

saracidaltendencies
11-19-2008, 10:06 AM
Time for a few groaners :teehee:


1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "Well, It's Not Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

saracidaltendencies
11-20-2008, 10:17 AM
Groaners Part 2...lol


9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

ArtLady1981
11-21-2008, 02:20 PM
A car gets a flat on the interstate one day.

The blonde driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the road, carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. She takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing on coming traffic.

The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to approaching drivers.

Not surprisingly, the traffic becomes snarled and backed up. It isn't very long before a police car arrives.

The officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What's going on here?"

"My car broke down, officer" says the woman calmly.

"Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?" he asks.

"Helllooooooo!!!!" says the blonde. "Those are my emergency flashers!"

ArtLady1981
11-21-2008, 02:38 PM
HOW SMART IS YOUR RIGHT FOOT???

You have to try this. It only takes 2 seconds.
(It's from an orthopedic surgeon.)

This will boggle your mind, and you will keep trying over and over again
to see if you can outsmart your foot, but you can't.
It's pre-programmed in your brain!

Here it is:

1) While sitting at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.
2) Now while doing this, draw the number '6' in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction.

And there's nothing we can do about it! :eyes:

You and I both know how stupid it is, but before the day is done you are going to try it again, if you've not already done so already!

Hildegard_von_Knittin
11-21-2008, 09:52 PM
OMG art lady!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That's hilarious! I'm glad no one was watching me!

Tropicflower24
11-22-2008, 01:01 PM
That is strange. I did it. Even drew on a peice of paper to make sure my mind wasn't tricking me and i wasn't drawing something else. It didn't change.

jess_hawk
11-22-2008, 03:41 PM
Are you sure you had your foot going clockwise? Or are you left handed?

Tropicflower24
11-22-2008, 10:42 PM
Nope, I'm as right handed as they get. And my foot and hand were going in oppisite directions.


With my left hand/left foot I can't do it. With my left foot/right hand, I can do it. With my right f/l h I can do it. rh/rf I can do it.
Basically I can do it anyway except with my left hand/left foot.
But I am an oddity anyhow.

saracidaltendencies
11-23-2008, 11:36 AM
The blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell bottom deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.
"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."
"But I always get it here," says the blonde.
Do you have the container it comes in?"
Yes!" said the blonde, "I will go and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the chemist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."
The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, "To apply, push up bottom."

saracidaltendencies
11-24-2008, 10:54 AM
On a busy Friday afternoon, while the passengers are patiently waiting for their flight to begin, two men dressed in Pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.
The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke but none is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the end of the runway.
As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "You know, John, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."

Tropicflower24
11-26-2008, 11:14 AM
One day three construction workers sat down for lunch.
The Irish man said "If my wife cooks me corned beef and cabbage one more day I'm going to jump off this bridge."
The hispanic man nodded and said, "I know. If *MY* wife packs me burritos one more day, I'm going to jump off too!"
They both looked at the blonde guy, who nodded so fast his head looked as though it would fall off. "I know. Like, if my wife packs me another bologne sandwhich, I'll jump TWICE."

The next day, all three construction workers were gathered on the bridge again. After working for hours, they grabbed their paper lunch bags and sat down on the edge of the bridge.
The hispanic guy opened his lunch, saw burritos, and jumped off the side of the bridge, into the raging torrents below. The irish man opened his bag, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped off the bridge, into the raging torrents below. The blonde guy opened his lunch bag, looks inside. "Bologne again." He sighed, sat his lunch down, and jumped off the side of the bridge.
At their 3-in-1 funeral, the men's wifes were gathered. "I didn't know he didn't like corned beef and cabbage! If he would have just told me, I would have made him something different!" The irish woman sobbed. "I know, I know." Consoled the hispanic woman. "He ate all of his lunch, and never complained, so I thought he must have liked it." They both looked at the blonde guy's wife, who responded, "Don't look at me. He packed his own lunches."

saracidaltendencies
11-26-2008, 11:39 PM
There is a new study about women and how they feel about their a**es.
The results were pretty interesting:
30% of women think their a** is too fat...
10% of women think their a** is too skinny...

The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they wouldn't trade him for the world. :teehee:

lizardknits
11-29-2008, 02:15 PM
A little boy killed a honey bee. His dad said, " Thats it. No honey for you for a week."
The little boy killed a butterfly one day. His dad said, "That's it. No butter for you for a week."
One day, his mother killed a cocroach. The little boy asks his dad, "Do you want to tell her, or should I?"
Guess what she wasn't supposed to get for a week......
:teehee: :teehee: :teehee: :teehee:

saracidaltendencies
11-30-2008, 02:49 PM
Ok, I apologize if I found this joke here, all I know is I have it saved on my computer but no idea where I found it...lol


It was Sunday, and the entire congregation was sitting inside its customary church. There were two interesting towns-people who had weird occupations during the Reverend's readings... A man who always fell asleep, and a woman who always knitted. It just so happened that the two ended up sitting next to one another in the front row this particular Sunday, each doing their respective thing.

The Reverend starts:
"Who is the creator of our great universe? Who gave us life to cherish and behold?"
At this point the lady who was knitting (with double pointed needles) accidentally pokes one side of it into the sleeping man's side. The man woke up and screamed "GOD!!"
"THAT'S CORRECT!!" the Reverend intoned. "Who is the son of God who came down to visit the earth, and who did die for our sins?"
The lady poked the poor guy again and he woke up screaming "JESUS CHRIST!!!"
"THAT'S CORRECT!!" the Reverend cried. "And what did Eve say to Adam after their last child?" The lady pokes him yet again and the man, finally fed up, yells: "STICK THAT THING INTO ME ONE MORE TIME AND I'LL BREAK IT IN TWO!!"

ArtLady1981
12-01-2008, 09:17 PM
You are gonna love this one!

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3148/3076104982_d5e401cbf3.jpg?v=0

saracidaltendencies
12-01-2008, 10:30 PM
:roflhard:

Hildegard_von_Knittin
12-02-2008, 07:56 PM
:shock: :roflhard:

ArtLady1981
12-08-2008, 05:33 PM
A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.

After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck. After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary.

A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us. Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God,
but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.'

The entire congregation said, 'Amen.'

Abbily
12-08-2008, 05:40 PM
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these
exchanges were actually taking place.

__________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
___________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy on him!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.

ArtLady1981
12-08-2008, 05:54 PM
Hysterical! :roflhard:

saracidaltendencies
12-08-2008, 11:38 PM
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then."
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!" he said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.
"Bring them as well!"
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall."

****

One and Done Liners...
A girl phoned me the other day and said.... "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

One day as I came home early from work..... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy.... "Hey buddy .... Why are you doing that?" He said ...."Because you came home early."

It’s been a rough day. I got up this morning.... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

When I was born.... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father.... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...... But he pulled through.

My mother had morning sickness -- after I was born.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Once when I was lost..... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him.... "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said ... "I don't know kid .... There are so many places they can hide."

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get

I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; what’s wrong with me?" He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

****

Funny Signs...
IN A LONDON DEPARTMENT STORE: Bargain Basement Upstairs
IN AN OFFICE: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.
IN ANOTHER OFFICE: After the tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.
ON A CHURCH DOOR: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance)
OUTSIDE A SECOND HAND SHOP: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.
NOTICE IN A DRY CLEANER'S WINDOW: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.
IN A HEALTH FOOD SHOP WINDOW: Closed due to illness.
SPOTTED IN A SAFARI PARK: Elephants Please Stay In Your Car!
SEEN DURING A CONFERENCE: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.
MESSAGE ON A LEAFLET: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.
ON A REPAIR SHOP DOOR: We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work)
SPOTTED IN A TOILET IN A LONDON OFFICE BLOCK: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.
SPOTTED ON A SIGN IN SCOTLAND: Eat here and you'll never live to regret it.

Marria
12-09-2008, 12:59 AM
Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the sea, this captain and his crew were always in danger of being boarded by pirates from a pirate ship.

One day while they were sailing, they saw that a pirate ship had sent a boarding party to try and board their ship. The crew became worried, but the Captain was calm.

He bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!"

The First Mate quickly got the Captain's red shirt, which the captain put on. Then he led his crew into battle against the mean pirates. Although there were some casualties among the crew, the pirates were defeated.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending two boarding parties towards their ship. The crew was nervous, but the Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was on!

The Captain and his crew fought off the boarding parties, though this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's events when an ensign looked at the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?"

The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, explained, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the blood, so you men will continue to fight unafraid." The men sat in silence. They were amazed at the courage of such a man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command.

The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, 'Bring me my brown pants!!!'

saracidaltendencies
12-10-2008, 02:02 AM
Statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words.

I had been driving for 40 years when I feel asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

I told the police that I was not injured but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run so I ran over him.

I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentlemen as he bounced off the hood of my car.

The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck my front end.

Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.

I thought my windows were down but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprange up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

saracidaltendencies
12-10-2008, 02:12 AM
One of my favorites! :teehee:

Heroes

I had a near death experience that has changed me forever.

The other day, I went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse starts bucking out of control. I tried with all my might to hang on, but was thrown off.

Just when things could not possibly get worse, my foot gets caught in the stirrup. When this happened, I fell headfirst to the ground. My head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down.

Just as I was losing consciousness, and beginning to give up hope, the Wal-Mart manager came and unplugged it. Thank goodness for heroes!

ArtLady1981
12-10-2008, 03:10 AM
Demonica, you ROCK!!! :roflhard::roflhard::roflhard:

sakura-panda
12-12-2008, 11:43 AM
Great thread! :)

Here is one of my favorites from a beagle forum I used to visit:

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hoping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit.

Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful be began to cry.

A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit.

Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. Fifty feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 feet, turned, waved, and hoped another 50 feet.

The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What was your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?"

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hare Spray Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave."

Marria
12-13-2008, 02:15 PM
Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

Becky Morgan
12-13-2008, 11:04 PM
This originally came from the Merry Makers group. I put it up over on Kenny Wallace's NASCAR board. Yes, this is really politically incorrect, but it came from Merry Makers, and besides, I AM #14!

1) Schizophrenia

- Do You Hear What I Hear, the Voices, the Voices?

2) Amnesia -

I Don't Remember If I'll Be Home for Christmas

3) Narcissistic -

Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

4) Manic -

Deck The Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and

stores and office and town and cars and buses and trucks and trees and fire

hydrants and...........

5) Multiple Personality Disorder -

We Three Queens Disoriented Are

6) Paranoid -

Santa Claus Is Coming to Get Us

7) Borderline Personality Disorder -

You Better Watch Out, You Better

Not Shout, I'm Gonna Cry, and I'll Not Tell You Why

8) Full Personality Disorder -

Thoughts of Roasting You On an Open Fire

9) Obsessive Compulsive Disorder -

Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle

Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle

Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells

10) Agoraphobia -

I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave My

House

11) Senile Dementia -

Walking In a Winter Wonderland Miles from My House in

My Slippers and Robe

12) Oppositional Defiant Disorder -

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I

Burned Down the House

13) Social Anxiety Disorder -

Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas

While I Sit Here and Hyperventilate

14) Attention Deficit Disorder -

We Wish You......Hey Look!! It's

Snowing!!!

saracidaltendencies
12-13-2008, 11:54 PM
:roflhard:

Marria
12-15-2008, 08:07 PM
Hey Becky-I have bipolar disorder, and I think that's pretty funny. You have to have a sense of humor about these things...:)


Here's some more:

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.

The old farmer, after seeing what had happened, went over to investigate.

He then proceeded to dig a hole to bury the politicians.

A few days later the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer said he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?"

The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but I didn’t believe them."

__________________________________________

3 friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are talking about you, what would you like them to say?

The first guy says,"I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our for the children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!"

______________________________________________


A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners.

At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, Genesis 3:10."

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked."

saracidaltendencies
12-15-2008, 11:31 PM
I read this one a long time ago and had never seen it again, but, I finally found it tonight! :teehee:


A famous heart specialist doctor died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. A regular coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart. When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.

Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing. The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"

"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.

"What's so funny about that?"

"I'm a gynecologist."

ArtLady1981
12-15-2008, 11:43 PM
:roflhard:

ArtLady1981
12-16-2008, 12:23 AM
Ten Things I Hate About Everyone:

1.People who point at their wrist while asking for the time..... I know where my watch is pal, where the heck is yours?



2.
People who are willing to get off their butt to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.


3.
When people say 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too'. You got that right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?


4.
When people say 'it's always the last place you look'. Of course it is. Why the heck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this?

5.
When people say while watching a film 'did you see that?'. No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the stupid floor.


6.
People who ask 'Can I ask you a question?'..... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7.
When something is 'new and improved!' Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.



8.
When people say 'life is short'. What the heck?? Life is the longest thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?





10.
When I am sitting in the holding area for my airline flight and someone notices the newpaper I'm sitting on and asks: Are you reading that?

After which I stand up, turn the page, sit back down and reply "Yes I am."

Some things do turn out well afterall! :roflhard:

ArtLady1981
12-16-2008, 12:29 AM
Why, Why, Why,

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars; but have to check when you say the paint is still wet?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?


Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but he ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

ArtLady1981
12-16-2008, 12:35 AM
Why, Why, Why
If people evolved from apes,why are there still apes?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?




Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?



Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?



Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?



How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?



When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'



Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?



In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?



How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?



And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

saracidaltendencies
12-16-2008, 12:42 AM
People who are willing to get off their butt to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost dead?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?


:roflhard: I am SOOOO guilty of those!! In my defense, however, changing the channel without a remote when you have a satellite receiver ain't the easiest method! LOL!

Abbily
12-16-2008, 12:26 PM
4.
When people say 'it's always the last place you look'. Of course it is. Why the heck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this?

That's hilarious! :)

Gertie
12-16-2008, 11:05 PM
ArtLady reminds me of 2 more things to ponder:

Why do they call them apartments?

Scientists say that the universe is everything & that the universe is expanding. So what is it expanding in to?

BinkyKat
12-17-2008, 12:53 AM
Here's a simple one I heard on the radio at Thanksgiving time...

What do hippies like to put on their mashed potatoes?


Groovy
:thumbsup:

Marria
12-19-2008, 08:13 PM
A knitting joke--


A woman is knitting as she drives. Pretty soon, her speed has crept all the way up to 95 mph and she passes a parked police car. The car gives chase. Officer Bob turns on his siren, but the woman, oblivious, doesn't notice him. Finally, he pulls up alongside her car and yells, "Pull over! PULL OVER!"

She looks at him, looks at her knitting, and yells--

"NO! It's a CARDIGAN!"

linknit41
12-20-2008, 07:43 PM
or how about this: when you say you lost something, and someone invariably asks,Well, where'd you lose it??? linknit41

saracidaltendencies
12-26-2008, 02:24 AM
If you can make it through..... :teehee:


The Night Before Christmas, Legally Speaking...


Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House") a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to, a mouse.

A variety of foot apparel, e.g., stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick a.k.a. St. Nicholas a.k.a. Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus")would arrive at sometime thereafter.

The minor residents, i.e., the children, of the aforementioned House were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e., dreams, wherein vision of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.

Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to as "I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the party of the second part (hereinafter "Mamma"), and said Mamma had retired for a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad in various forms of head gear, e.g., kerchief and cap.)

Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtenant to said House, i.e., the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance. The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the House to investigate the cause of such disturbance.

At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter "the Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus.
Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically identified the animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter "the Deer"). (Upon information and belief, it is further asserted that an additional co-conspirator named "Rudolph" may have been involved.)

The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the chimney.

Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown items. He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations.

Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other small gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute "gifts" to said minor pursuant to the applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax Code.)

Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts." Claus immediately departed for an unknown destination.

However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim: "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!" Or words to that effect.

ArtLady1981
12-26-2008, 09:37 AM
:muah: Love it! Thanks Demonica! :muah:

Abbily
12-26-2008, 11:46 AM
Demonica, that's awesome, thanks! :)

ArtLady1981
12-30-2008, 02:40 PM
I'm A Believer...
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods.
"What majestic trees!
What powerful rivers!
What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
He turned to look. He saw a 7 foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the atheist cried out: "Oh my God!..."
Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident.
Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice.
The light went out.
The sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke:
"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive..."

KnitClickChick
12-30-2008, 11:51 PM
How do you make a Kleenex dance?



put a little boogie in it ... heehee

Indygirl
12-31-2008, 08:55 PM
A Husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.


The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.


'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.


'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.


'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so

they carry on shopping.


A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream

and

puts it in the basket.


'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.


'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.


Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and its half the

price.'



On the PA system: 'Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a husband down'

Marria
01-01-2009, 02:57 AM
What do you call 10 rabbits walking backwards?







... A receding hare line.

ArtLady1981
01-07-2009, 02:18 PM
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.

The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.

Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the
street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again.

All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on
the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi,
my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next
light.

When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.

He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...

"Hi, my name is Mark, it's winter in Pennsylvania and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

saracidaltendencies
01-07-2009, 03:17 PM
:roflhard:

ArtLady1981
01-12-2009, 05:59 PM
Children Writing About the Ocean...


This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight or eighty testicles.
(Kelly, age 6)

- If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. ( Wayne , age 7)

- Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)

- My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)

- When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)

- Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

- Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers.
(Christopher, age 7)

- The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)

ArtLady1981
01-12-2009, 06:06 PM
Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?
A. Ruthless.

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.


Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived inEden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q. Did you know it's a sin for a woman to make coffee?
A. Yup, it's in the Bible. It says . . . 'He-brews'

Marria
01-12-2009, 07:01 PM
Electric eels plugging themselves into chargers. That's awesome!

TooCircular
01-13-2009, 01:06 PM
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the T-shirt she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment!' My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!' Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?' She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.'

ArtLady1981
01-13-2009, 04:57 PM
:roflhard:

Indygirl
01-13-2009, 07:57 PM
KNITTING



A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!



Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER !"



"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

ArtLady1981
01-16-2009, 04:11 PM
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, 'If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics ( and I just love this part ):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........Twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times a s fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.
(I love the next one!!!)

7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off.

PS - I'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call "customer service" in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!!!!

ArtLady1981
01-17-2009, 04:59 PM
Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?
How would you answer? Here are some:

SARAH PALIN: Before it got to the other side, I shot the
chicken, cleaned and dressed it, and had chicken burgers for
lunch.

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was
time for a change! The chicken wanted change!

JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road
because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and
dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the
road.

HILARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped
that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes
me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that
every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to
cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed
the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side
of the road or not. The chicken is either against us or for
us. There is no middle ground here.

VP D. CHENEY: Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly
see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.
What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the
road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross,
and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not
for it now and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some
black chickens.

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken
doesn't realize that he must first deal with the problem on
this side of the road be
fore it goes after the problem on
the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him
realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current
problems before adding new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having
problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad.
So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and
take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this
chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and
not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a
chicken, but we have not yet been allowed access to the
other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's
guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking
American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that
chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's
Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain
level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it
with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it
crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the
road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and
that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments,
we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first
time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a
serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its
lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing
roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 2008, which will
not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important
documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is
an integral part of eChicken 2008. This new platform is much
more stable and will never crash or need to be rebooted.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or
did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one? :??

ArtLady1981
01-17-2009, 05:04 PM
The dumb guy saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it.
So he said 'Implants?'
She hit him. :shrug:

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!




Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn't you know it....
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

ArtLady1981
01-17-2009, 05:10 PM
The Wal-Mart Cat

A BLONDE was weed-eating her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat which was hiding in the grass.
She rushed her cat, along with the tail over to WAL-MART!



Why WAL-MART???



HELLOOOOOOOOO!!

She’d heard that WALMART is the largest RETAILER in the world!!!

saracidaltendencies
01-17-2009, 11:07 PM
:roflhard:

Marria
01-18-2009, 02:18 AM
After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment. This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth.

The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!" Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird! The shelf!" Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds. "Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home.

When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!" The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Goony Bird, my butt!"

saracidaltendencies
01-18-2009, 10:54 PM
:roflhard:

At first I thought that joke was about my hubby

"After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day."

Well, minus the beer part... :teehee:

Indygirl
01-19-2009, 08:17 AM
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN


(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)


I know I'm not going to understand women.


I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,


pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,


and still be afraid of a spider.

saracidaltendencies
01-19-2009, 10:48 PM
A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Mercedes convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head.

"This is great," he thought as he roared on down I-75.He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him with no problem," thought the man and he tromped on it some more, and flew down the road at over 100 mph, then 110, 120mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing."

He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him. The trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes, and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me any reason why you were speeding, that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."

The trooper replied, "Sir, have a nice day."

ArtLady1981
01-20-2009, 04:52 AM
:roflhard: Oh that's a good one!!!!! :roflhard:

miccisue
01-20-2009, 08:43 AM
OK, the pictures didn't come through, but we all know "Maxine" from the Hallmark cards.




Four Worms...
and a lesson to be learned...
http://www.knittinghelp.com/forum/cid:5BE165842AAC4F059F91D2EE5F3A8B68@FoghornLeghor n


A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.http://www.knittinghelp.com/forum/cid:418427AF0CD84C2E9B30DD82F47BB3B1@FoghornLeghor n
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Deadhttp://www.knittinghelp.com/forum/cid:FCEBA7BBE24140DC96A2F3F53FB8224E@FoghornLeghor n

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Deadhttp://www.knittinghelp.com/forum/cid:61A2E519737F4A13A264FB630675143A@FoghornLeghor n
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.So the Minister asked the congregation -

What did you learn from this demonstration?

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

http://www.knittinghelp.com/forum/cid:F6086169D0F54F08B70D0E76818811F0@FoghornLeghor n'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate,
you won't have worms!'

That pretty much ended the service --

Jaxhil
01-20-2009, 08:50 AM
Demonica, :rofl:!!!

miccisue, I :heart: it~ :roflhard:

saracidaltendencies
01-20-2009, 10:00 AM
:roflhard: miccisue!!

saracidaltendencies
01-20-2009, 10:52 AM
Pregnancy Questions


Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, generally 35 children are enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that
sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant
woman and a model?
A: Nothing (if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good
for him).

Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel
during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidermal?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room
while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from
childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her
plans to nurse.

Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A: When you see teeth marks.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to
feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

ArtLady1981
01-20-2009, 11:49 AM
:roflhard: I love MAXINE!!!

ArtLady1981
01-20-2009, 05:48 PM
Oh Demonica! I love the pregancy list! :roflhard:

Here's a good one about a GOOD GRANPA!

The Good Grandpa
A woman is in a grocery store and happens upon a grandpa and his poorly behaving 3 year-old grandson at every turn. It's obvious Gramps has his hands full with the kid screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle; same for fruit, cereal and soda. Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, 'Easy, Albert, we won't be long -- easy, boy.'

Another outburst, and she hears Gramps calmly say, 'It's okay, Albert, just a couple more minutes and we'll be outta here -- hang in there.'

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Gramps again in a controlled voice is saying, 'Albert, Albert, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Albert.'


Very impressed, the woman goes outside where Gramps is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. 'You know, sir, it's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. Albert is very lucky to have you for his grandpa.'

'Thanks, lady,' said Gramps, 'But I'm Albert -- the little bastard's name is Stevie.'

saracidaltendencies
01-20-2009, 11:49 PM
:roflhard:

Jaxhil
01-21-2009, 03:34 PM
Demonica and Artlady~

:roflhard::rofl:

i love it!!

saracidaltendencies
01-21-2009, 03:49 PM
DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, “Daddy, look at this", and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers," pretending to eat them.

I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong, honey?"

She replied,

"What happened to my booger? "



:ick:

ArtLady1981
01-21-2009, 07:05 PM
http://bestsmileys.com/lol/4.gif

Indygirl
01-21-2009, 07:32 PM
> Subject: A Cowboy and A Yuppie
>
> A cowboy was herding his cows in a remote pasture when suddenly a
> brand-new BMW
> roared out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a
> Brioni suit,
> Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks
> the
> cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your
> herd, will
> you give me a calf?"
>
>
> The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
> peacefully
> grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
>
> The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects
> it to his
> Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet,
> where he
> calls up a GPS satellite! navigation system to get an exact fix on his
> location
> which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an
> ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in
> Adobe
> Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg,
> Germany.
> Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has
> been
> processed and the data stored.
>
> He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel
> spreadsheet with
> email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
>
> Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,
> miniaturized HP
> LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have
> exactly 1,586
> cows and calves."
>
> "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the
> cowboy. He
> watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the
> young man
> stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the cowboy says to the young
> man, "Hey,
> if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my
> calf?"
> The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
>
> You're a Congressman in the U.S. Government", says the cowboy.
>
> "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
>
> "No guessing required." answered the cowboy "You showed up here even
> though nobody
> called you; you wanted to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a
> question I
> never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and
> you don't
> know a thing about cows.... Now give me back my dog."

ArtLady1981
01-22-2009, 04:50 AM
:roflhard:

Indygirl
01-22-2009, 07:28 AM
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is
92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red,
orange, and blue.
My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring
every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the
matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on
his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he
did not bat an eye in his response.

'Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you
were my son.'

saracidaltendencies
01-22-2009, 10:07 AM
:roflhard:

ArtLady1981
01-22-2009, 03:18 PM
:roflhard: Oh Gramps! :hug:

Marria
01-22-2009, 04:32 PM
Law of Cat Inertia

A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

Law of Cat Motion

A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

Law of Cat Magnetism

All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.

Law of Cat Thermodynamics

Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.

Law of Cat Stretching

A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.

Law of Cat Sleeping

All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat.

Law of Cat Elongation

A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.

Law of Cat Obstruction

A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic.

Law of Cat Acceleration

A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.

Law of Dinner Table Attendance

Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.

Law of Rug Configuration

No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.

Law of Obedience Resistance

A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.

First Law of Energy Conservation

Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.

Second Law of Energy Conservation

Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.

Law of Refrigerator Observation

If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.

Law of Electric Blanket Attraction

Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.

Law of Random Comfort Seeking

A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.

Law of Bag/Box Occupancy

All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

Law of Cat Embarrassment

A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.

Law of Milk Consumption

A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.

Law of Furniture Replacement

A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.

Law of Cat Landing

A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the mid- section of an unsuspecting, reclining human.

Law of Fluid Displacement

A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.

Law of Cat Disinterest

A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.

Law of Pill Rejection

Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.

Law of Cat Composition

A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.

saracidaltendencies
01-22-2009, 10:58 PM
LOL!! SOOOO true!

ArtLady1981
01-22-2009, 11:01 PM
:roflhard: Oh yeah!!! Cats! :heart:

Indygirl
01-23-2009, 01:13 PM
REPLACEMENT WINDOWS

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Helllooooo,.....just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

saracidaltendencies
01-23-2009, 03:07 PM
:roflhard:

ArtLady1981
01-23-2009, 03:27 PM
:yay:

TooCircular
01-24-2009, 01:34 AM
Brad, a guy on the local beach just couldn't make progress with any of the girls, so he heads over to the guard tower to see if the lifeguard has any advice for him.
"Dude, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing those baggy swim trunks that make you look like an old geezer. Grab yourself a pair of speedos, about two sizes too small, and drop a fist-sized potato inside. I'm telling you, you'll have all the babes you want!"

The following weekend, Brad hits the beach with his new Speedos, and his fist-sized potato and it's even worse than before. Everybody on the beach acts disgusted as he walks by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick. So, Brad goes back to the life-guard again and ask him:

"What's wrong now?"

"Dude!" says the lifeguard: "The potato goes at the front!"

saracidaltendencies
01-24-2009, 01:46 AM
:roflhard::roflhard:

ArtLady1981
01-24-2009, 01:52 AM
:teehee:

Marria
01-24-2009, 01:45 PM
Sick. Wrong. Utterly hilarious. :yay:

Marria
01-24-2009, 01:53 PM
Cat Resolutions

My human will never let me eat her pet rat, and I am at peace with that.

I will not sniff at my male human's feet after he takes his shoes off, freeze my mouth open in disgust and then sniff my private parts to compare odors. My female human might find it amusing, but my male human does not appreciate it, especially in front of company.

I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium.

I will not run through the house with a condom wrapper in my mouth, especially when my human's grandmother is over.

I must not help myself to Q-tips, and I must certainly not proceed to stuff them down the sink's drain.

I will not bite my human on the rear while she is sitting on the Big White Drinking Bowl.

I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and puke them up so my humans can see that I'm getting plenty of roughage.

I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur. )

I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has finished watching The X-Files.

I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.

I will not drag dirty socks up from the hamper in the middle of the night, deposit them on the bed and yell at the top of my lungs so that my human can admire my "kill."

I will not knead my male human's groin at 2 a.m. with claws extended. It seems to cause him some discomfort and he wakes up all grumpy.

I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and stare into her eyes until she wakes up.

I will not play Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti over my humans' bed while they're trying to sleep.

Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself.

I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again.

I will not back up off the front porch and fall into the bushes just as my human is explaining to his girlfriend how graceful I am.

I will not complain that my butt is wet and that I am thirsty after sitting in my water bowl.

I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.

If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.

It is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered creamer before it dissolves in boiling coffee.

Just because I hear voices in my head, I do not have to answer them.

When I am chasing my tail and catch my back leg instead, I will not bite own on my foot. This hurts, and my scream scares my human.

When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house. It is not necessary to have my human open every door so I can check.

Birds do not come from the bird feeder. I will not knock it down and try to open it up to get the birds out.

I will not stuff my rather large self into the rather small bird feeder (with my tail hanging out one side) and expect the birds to just fly in.

I will not teach the parrot to meow in a loud and raucous manner.

The dog can see me coming when I stalk her. She can see me and will move out of the way when I pounce, letting me smash into floors and walls. That does not mean I should take it as a personal insult when my humans sit there and laugh.

Yes, there are still two very large dogs in the backyard. There have been for several years. I don't have to act as if I've just discovered the Demon Horror of the Universe each time one of them appears in my window.

I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true.

When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them.

I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when she's on the family room floor trying to do sit ups.

When my human is typing at the computer, her forearms are not a hammock.

Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.

I am a walking static generator. My human doesn't need my help installing a new board in her computer.

I will not bring the city police to the front door by stepping on the speaker phone button and then the automatic 911 dial button.

I will not speed dial the overseas numbers.

Any critter that lives in the house (hamsters) stay in the house and any wild critters (frogs and earthworms) stay outside. I am not allowed to set the hamster free in exchange for finding a frog to put in the fish tank.

I will not stalk the deer in the apple orchard next door. They have sharp hooves and could hurt me if they weren't laughing so hard.

I will not watch the guinea pig constantly as the guinea pig likes to sleep once in a while.

The goldfish likes living in water and should be allowed to remain in its bowl.

I will not put a live vole in my food bowl and expect it to stay there until I get hungry.

I will not eat spider plants and hallucinate behind the toilet.

I will not drag the magnets (and the papers they are holding up) off of the refrigerator and then bat them underneath it so that they adhere to the underside.

I will learn to relax at the vet's office so they will start writing things in my records like "Good Kitty" and "Sweet Kitty" instead of the stuff that's there now like "MEAN!!", "BITER!!!", and "GET HELP!!!!!"

I promise I will meditate more closely upon the causal relationship between going dumpster diving on Sunday afternoon and projectile vomiting Monday, and being brought to the Evil Place Where They Stick Things Up My Butt on Tuesday evening. I realize that if I hadn't done the first, none of the other things would have happened.

I don't need to check my male human's aim in the bathroom.

I will not be miffed at my human all day and then kiss her on the nose at 2:00 a.m. to tell her that she is forgiven and can now pet me.

I will not scratch the children of lawyers, no matter how much they chase me or how hard they pull my tail.

If I must give a present to my human's overnight guests, my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a live cockroach, even if it isn't as tasty.

I will not soak my catnip toy in the water bowl to make tea. I will not get high and sit there drinking my tea and kneading the floor afterwards. I will not then get delusions of grandeur and make tea in the toilet bowl or the tub. And I will not try to make tea with used socks, dirty panties or hair scrunches when my humans take the catnip toy away from me.

After my (female) human has enjoyed the company of a larger, but equally gorgeous, hairy animal, I will not leap onto the bed, smell where he's been, and then jealously pee there to eradicate his traces.

A warm pepperoni pizza is not a good place for a nap.

Indygirl
01-24-2009, 02:42 PM
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- ---

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's just about perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

------------ --------- --------- ------

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her behind look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday

and then the fight started.....
---- -------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? "

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....

HollyP
01-25-2009, 01:01 AM
Marria - :chair: at the cat resolutions. So true!:teehee:

saracidaltendencies
01-25-2009, 03:54 AM
This one, in particular cracked me up: I will not sniff at my male human's feet after he takes his shoes off, freeze my mouth open in disgust...

It's sooo true!! I can't even count how many times I laughed at my cats for the frozen mouth expression!

Indygirl
01-25-2009, 08:53 PM
I hope this is not offensive to anyone. I just thought it was funny.




Jewish Sex



No matter what this husband did in bed, his wife never achieved an orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their Rabbi.



The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help your wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."



They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It does not help and the wife is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi.



"Okay," he says to the husband, "Try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."



Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice. They go home and hire the same strapping young man. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and soon she has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting, screaming orgasm.



The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, "See that, you schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!!" :teehee:

saracidaltendencies
01-25-2009, 11:05 PM
:roflhard::roflhard::roflhard:

saracidaltendencies
01-26-2009, 10:51 AM
Consumer Warnings


In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed by stupidity, here are some actual label instructions found on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special.)

On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap

On a Swanson frozen dinner: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it's just a suggestion.)

On Tesco's tiramisu dessert (printed on the bottom of box): Do not turn upside-down.

On Marks & Spencer bread pudding: Product will be hot after heating.

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.

On Boot's children's cough medicine: Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.

On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: May cause drowsiness.

On most brands of Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only. (As opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use. (I gotta admit, I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts.

On an American Airlines packet of peanuts: Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.

On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.

On a Swedish chain saw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.

ArtLady1981
01-26-2009, 03:46 PM
:yay:

Hooo bouy!

"On an American Airlines packet of peanuts: Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."

...as opposed to a food fight? I'm surprised TSA hasn't foreseen their potential as a weapon! :roflhard:

saracidaltendencies
01-26-2009, 05:31 PM
:teehee: I never would have guessed you're supposed to open the pack and eat them! Do people really do that? haha

Oh, then there's also a tube of chapstick I had a while ago that instructed, "Do not use in eyes." Yeah, for all those times my eyes are chapped...

Denise in Michigan
01-27-2009, 02:59 PM
;)
Here are the winners of this year's Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who is both stupid and an *******.

3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a
serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj.. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up
onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

ArtLady1981
01-27-2009, 03:13 PM
OMG...I laffed til I cried! http://bestsmileys.com/lol/4.gif

Shandeh
01-28-2009, 01:46 PM
Love it! My favorite is "lymph: to walk with a lisp". :roflhard:

linknit41
01-28-2009, 08:26 PM
Denise in Michigan, thank you thank you for the word-play--i love love love that kind of humor -really liked #8 sarchasm. linknit41

saracidaltendencies
01-29-2009, 12:12 AM
A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday. An unorthodox choice for sure, but she just thought that since he was finally 40 years old, she'd give him a special treat.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh, no," says Dave.

"He's on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and sarcastically says, "Looks like you picked up a real winner tonight, Dave."

Indygirl
01-29-2009, 07:18 AM
:thumbsup: Demonica, that was a good one :roflhard: :roflhard:

Indygirl
01-29-2009, 06:10 PM
Onthe first day, 'God' created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again..

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.

ArtLady1981
01-29-2009, 06:51 PM
Medicare in a nutshell :)

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,

'Hello.'

'Mrs. Sanders, please.'

'Speaking.'

'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the
results are not too good.'

'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which.'

'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.

'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.'

'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'

'The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.'

Indygirl
01-29-2009, 07:00 PM
:roflhard: :roflhard: Funny!

ArtLady1981
01-29-2009, 07:02 PM
Little Johnny's at it again...... A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

* *
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'
* *
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

** *
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to
capture him.


'Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?

* * * * *
Little Johnny attended a horse auction withhis father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses,I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom .'

saracidaltendencies
01-29-2009, 10:41 PM
:roflhard:

ArtLady1981
01-30-2009, 04:45 AM
My son's been married for 15 years. He might make it to 16!

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE


(1)Fine:This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2)Five Minutes:If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3)Nothing:This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4)Go Ahead:This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5)Loud Sigh:This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6)That's Okay:This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7)Thanks:A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').

(8)Whatever:Is a woman's way of saying BUG OFF!

(9)Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

TooCircular
01-31-2009, 01:03 PM
NEW MARKET TERMS

CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer

CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET--A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET--A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING--The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO--The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER--What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR--Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST--Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT--When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER--A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION--The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO--What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS--What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR--Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT--An archaic word, no longer used.

losnana
01-31-2009, 01:13 PM
KIDS IN CHURCH

3-year-old Reese:

"Our Father, Who does art in heaven,

Harold is His name.

Amen."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little boy was overheard praying:

"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.

I'm having a real good time like I am."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After the christening of his baby brother in church,

Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.

His father asked him three times what was wrong.

Finally, the boy replied,

"That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,

and I wa nted to stay with you guys."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One particular four-year-old prayed,

"And forgive us our trash baskets

as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they

were on the way to church service,

"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

One bright little girl replied,

"Because people are sleeping."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.

< /div>
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.

Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.

"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,

'Let my brother have the first panc ake, I can wait.'

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,

"Ryan, you be Jesus!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A father was at the beach with his children=2 0

when the four-year-old son ran up to him,

grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore

where a seagull lay dead in the sand.

"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.

"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.

The boy thought a moment and then said,

"Did God throw him back down?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A wife invited some people to dinner.

At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,

"Would you like to say the blessing?"

0A
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said,

"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

Marria
01-31-2009, 01:18 PM
;)
Here are the winners of this year's Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition:
[FONT=Tahoma]
.....
<snip>

Thank you for that! I love wordplay like that. In fact, I've come up with a few of my own:

felane: The traffic lane on the freeway designated for cats only.

discomcobulated: The feeling one gets when one is shucking corn and discovers an earwig.

obsoxious: How a New York baseball fan would describe a Boston baseball fan.

Those are fun!

ArtLady1981
01-31-2009, 05:19 PM
:roflhard::roflhard::roflhard: I love this JOKE thread!

It's better than having my vitamins and energy booster every day! WHOOO HOOO! :woohoo:

TooCircular
01-31-2009, 05:53 PM
Pirate With Steering Wheel~

So, a pirate walks into a bar. Looks like the quintessential pirate -- peg leg, hook on one hand, eye patch, the whole nine yards. In addition to all this, he's got a steering wheel hanging from the fly of his pants. He walks up to the bar, and orders a whiskey. The bartender pours the pirate a glass, and says to him "I don't want to offend, but I thought you should know -- you've got a steering wheel attached to your fly." The pirate nods his head, and says:

"Arrrgh, I know. And it's driving me nuts."

Marria
01-31-2009, 05:57 PM
Thanks a lot TooCircular! Now I spit tea on my keyboard! :roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard:

ArtLady1981
01-31-2009, 06:09 PM
:chair:

That's just too funny! :roflhard:

Marria
01-31-2009, 06:15 PM
Below are questions that people "actually asked" of Park Rangers around the country, proving once again that there is no known limit to the depths of human stupidity.
(Source: Outside Magazine)

Grand Canyon National Park...
Was this man-made?
Do you light it up at night?
I bought tickets for the elevator to the bottom -- where is it?
So where are the faces of the presidents?

Everglades National Park...
Are the alligators real?
Are the baby alligators for sale?
Where are all the rides?
What time does the two o'clock bus leave?

Denali National Park (Alaska)...
What time do you feed the bears?
Can you show me where the yeti lives?
How often do you mow the tundra?
How much does Mount McKinley weigh?

Mesa Verde National Park...
Did people build this, or did Indians?
Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?
What did they worship in the kivas -- their own made-up religion?
Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?
Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado?

Carlsbad Caverns National Park...
How much of the cave is underground?
So what's in the unexplored part of the cave?
Does it ever rain in here?
How many Ping-Pong balls would it take to fill this up?
So what is this -- just a hole in the ground?

Yosemite National Park...
Where are the cages for the animals?
What time do you turn on Yosemite Falls?
Can I get my picture taken with the carving of President Clinton?

Yellowstone National Park...
Does Old Faithful erupt at night?
How do you turn it on?
When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep?
We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits?

TooCircular
01-31-2009, 07:00 PM
Zen Buddhist and Hotdog

A Zen Buddhist goes up to a hotdog vendor and says "Make me one with everything." The Zen Buddhist payed with a $20 bill, but received nothing back. He asks the hotdog vendor, "Where is my change?" The hotdog vendor replies, "Change must come from within."

Marria
01-31-2009, 07:04 PM
1) All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices, which have large red read-outs to tell you exactly when it will go off.

2) Should you need to pass yourself off as a German officer it will not be necessary to speak the language, a convincing accent will do.

3) All apartments in Paris overlook the Eiffel tower.

4) Most lap top computers are powerful enough to override a bank security system or the communication system of an invading alien civilization.

5) Every single person in martial arts Film has a black belt in karate.

6) When staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

7) 1 man shooting at 20 men has more chance of hitting them than 20 men shooting at 1 man if he is the hero.

8) During a police investigation it will be necessary to visit a strip joint at least once.

9) Large studio-type apartments in big cities are affordable by single people with a low wage.

10) The entire British population lives in London.

11) It doesn't matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a martial arts fight; your enemies will attack you one at a time while the others dance around you menacingly.

12) In musicals everyone you meet in the street will know all the words to the songs and the steps to the dances.

13) When captured by an evil international terrorist, guns are not necessary to defeat them, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons.

losnana
01-31-2009, 07:13 PM
:roflhard:

Shandeh
01-31-2009, 10:34 PM
I got this from the Reader's Digest website:

GINGER, a crossing guard at the elementary school, regarded each child as her personal charge. Concerned that motorists on their way to work were speeding and endangering her kids, Ginger appealed to the police chief for a radar gun. She was told that budget constraints wouldn't allow the purchase of additional equip-ment. The next day, vehicles were traveling much slower as Ginger, undaunted, aimed at oncoming traffic with her hair dryer.

saracidaltendencies
01-31-2009, 10:58 PM
A blonde and her guy were out on a date and they ended up at Lovers' Lane, where they were making out. The guy thought things were going pretty well, and that maybe he would get lucky tonight, so he asked her if she wanted to get into the back seat.

"NO!" yelled the blonde.

The guy just figured that she wasn't ready yet. Things got pretty
hot, and the guy thought he would try again.

"NO!" the blonde yelled again.

Things got even hotter, and the blonde was down to her bra.

"Do you wanna go in the back seat yet?" asked the guy.

"For the last time, NO!" said the blonde.

Frustrated, the guy asked, "Well, why the heck not?"

The blonde looked at him and said, "Because I wanna stay up here with you!"

saracidaltendencies
01-31-2009, 11:03 PM
Definition of a BBQ

It's the only type of cooking a real man will do. When a man
volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into
motion:

1. The woman does the shopping.

2. The woman makes the salad, vegetables and dessert.

3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, beer in hand.

4. The man places the meat on the grill.

5. The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.

6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer whilst he deals with the situation.

7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.

8. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.

9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

10. Everyone praises man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.....(and so they should!)

11. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off."

And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!

saracidaltendencies
01-31-2009, 11:06 PM
Don't Argue With A Child


A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying
to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my
head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red
in the face." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am
standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into
my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

Marria
02-01-2009, 12:42 AM
Three guys die and end up at the gates of heaven, talking to St. Peter.

"So," Peter asks the first guy, "how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"None. I had a perfect marriage."

"Great," says Peter. "You get to cruise around heaven in a Mercedes. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"Only twice, I think," says the second guy.

"Okay. You get to cruise around heaven in a Cadillac. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"12 times. Maybe 13," says the third guy.

"Okay," says Peter. "You get a rusty Ford."

Later that day, the guy in the Cadillac sees the guy in the Mercedes crying.

"What's wrong?"

"I just saw my wife."

"So?"

"She was riding a skateboard."

ladytruckdriver
02-01-2009, 04:34 PM
Mystery at Walmart
________________________________________
So, here's the story. .Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.
Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal-Mart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor........

The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested. -- OY!

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ...








(You're going to hate me for this ... )








'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 AT WAL- MART!'
:woot:

linknit41
02-01-2009, 05:17 PM
aaarrrgh! this is hilarious, guess i'm unsophistcated but puns get me laughing. linknit41

Marria
02-01-2009, 05:40 PM
:roflhard:

Bad puns--my absolute favorite!

saracidaltendencies
02-02-2009, 12:36 AM
*WARNING* the last one is a TEARJERKER!!


What does Love mean?

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, "What does love mean?"

The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."
Rebecca- age 8

When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth."
Billy - age 4

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other." Karl - age 5

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs." Chrissy -
age 6

"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired." Terri - age 4

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK." Danny -
age 7

"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss"
Emily - age 8

"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen." Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)

"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate," Nikka - age 6
(we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday." Noelle - age 7

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well." Tommy - age 6

"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."
Cindy - age 8

"My mommy loves me more than anybody . You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night." Clare - age 6

"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken."
Elaine-age 5

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford." Chris - age 7

"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day." Mary Ann - age 4

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones." Lauren - age 4

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." (what an image) Karen - age 7

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross." Mark - age 6

"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget." Jessica -
age 8

And the final one -- Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child.

The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry."

TooCircular
02-02-2009, 11:53 AM
How The Media Would Cover The Apocalypse

Usa Today:
We're Dead

The Wall Street Journal:
Dow Jones Plummets As World Ends

Microsoft Systems Journal:
Apple Loses Market Share

Sports Illustrated:
Game Over

Wired:
The Last New Thing

Rolling Stone:
The Grateful Dead Reunion Tour

Readers Digest:
'Bye

Discover Magazine:
How Will The Extinction Of All Life As We Know It Affect The Way We View The Cosmos?

Tv Guide:
Death And Damnation: Nielson Ratings Soar!

Lady's Home Journal:
Lose 10 Lbs By Judgment Day With Our New "Armageddon" Diet!

Inc. Magazine:
Ten Ways You Can Profit From The Apocalypse

saracidaltendencies
02-02-2009, 12:16 PM
:roflhard:

Denise in Michigan
02-02-2009, 12:18 PM
Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child.

The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry."
Thanks, Demonica! This posting did bring both smiles and tears, and I needed both!

ArtLady1981
02-02-2009, 02:29 PM
After being married for 48 years,I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, 'Honey, 48 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 24-year-old gal.
Now I have a $400,000.00 home, two Cadillacs, nice big bed and flat screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 71-year-old woman.
It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things.'
My wife is a very reasonable woman.
She told me to go out and find a hot 24-year-old gal, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.


Aren't older women great?
They really know how to solve a mid-life crisis...

saracidaltendencies
02-02-2009, 03:21 PM
:rofl:

OffJumpsJack
02-02-2009, 05:14 PM
My son's been married for 15 years. He might make it to 16!

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE



Yep, that's the "Rosann-ie" Stone of feminine to masculine language.

:roflhard:

-Jack

ArtLady1981
02-02-2009, 06:58 PM
OY, I got my daily energy boost today! :roflhard::roflhard::roflhard:

Marria
02-02-2009, 07:57 PM
Save the whales. Collect the whole set

A day without sunshine is like... night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

I intend to live forever - so far so good.

Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks

The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.

The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

Change is inevitable except from vending machines.

Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...

Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.

ArtLady1981
02-02-2009, 08:54 PM
:roflhard::roflhard::roflhard:

TooCircular
02-03-2009, 12:41 PM
If Dr. Seuss wrote for Star Trek: the Next Generation...


Picard: Sigma Indri, that's the star,
So, Data, please, how far? How far?

Data: Our ship can get there very fast
But still the trip will last and last
We'll have two days til we arrive
But can the Indrans there survive?

Picard: LaForge, please give us factor nine.

LaForge: But, sir, the engines are offline!

Picard: Offline! But why? I want to go!
Please make it so, please make it so!

Riker: But sir, if Geordi says we can't,
We can't, we mustn't, and we shan't,
The danger here is far too great!

Picard: But surely we must not be late!

Troi: I'm sensing anger and great ire.

Computer: Alert! Alert! The ship's on fire!

Picard: The ship's on fire? How could this be?
Who lit the fire?

Riker: Not me.

Worf: Not me.

Picard: Computer, how long til we die?

Computer: Eight minutes left to say goodbye.

Data: May I suggest a course to take?
We could, I think, quite safely make
Extinguishers from tractor beams
And stop the fire, or so it seems...

Geordi: Hurray! Hurray! You've saved the day!
Again I say, Hurray! Hurray!

Picard: Mr. Data, thank you much.
You've saved our lives, our ship, and such.

Troi: We still must save the Indran planet--

Data: Which (by the way) is made of granite...

Picard: Enough, you android. Please desist.
We understand--we get your gist.
But can we get our ship to go?
Please, make it so, PLEASE make it so.

Geordi: There's sabotage among the wires
And that's what started all the fires.

Riker: We have a saboteur? Oh, no!
We need to go! We need to go!

Troi: We must seek out the traitor spy
And lock him up and ask him why?

Worf: Ask him why? How sentimental.
I say give him problems dental.

Troi: Are any Romulan ships around?
Have scanners said that they've been found?
Or is it Borg or some new threat
We haven't even heard of yet?
I sense no malice in this crew.
Now what are we supposed to do?

Crusher Captain, please, the Indrans need us.
They cry out, "Help us, clothe us, feed us!"
I can't just sit and let them die!
A doctor MUST attempt--MUST try!

Picard: Doctor, please, we'll get there soon.

Crusher: They may be dead by Tuesday noon.

*COMMERCIAL BREAK, COMMERCIAL BREAK
HOW LONG WILL THESE DUMB ADS TAKE?*

Worf: The saboteur is in the brig.
He's very strong and very big.
I had my phaser set on stun--
A zzzip! A zzzap! Another one!
He would not budge, he would not fall,
He would not stun, no, not at all!
He changed into a stranger form
All soft and purple, round and warm.

Picard: Did you see this, Mr. Worf?
Did you see this creature morph?

Worf: I did and then I beat him fairly.
Hit him on the jaw--quite squarely.

Riker: My commendations, Klingon friend!
Our troubles now are at an end!

Crusher: Now let's get our ship to fly
And orbit yonder Indran sky!

Picard: LaForge, please tell me we can go...?

Geordi: Yes, sir, we can.

Picard: Then make it so!

TooCircular
02-03-2009, 05:58 PM
A diehard fan was surprised to see an empty seat at the Super Bowl stadium. He remarked about it to a woman sitting nearby. "It was my husband's but he died." "I'm very sorry to hear that but I'm really surprised that another relative or friend didn't jump at the chance to take the seat reserved for him." "Beats me," she said, "I guess they all insisted on going to the funeral."

ArtLady1981
02-03-2009, 06:24 PM
:roflhard::roflhard::roflhard:

saracidaltendencies
02-04-2009, 10:25 AM
Silly Computer Acronyms...
PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms

ISDN: It Still Does Nothing

APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity

SCSI: System Can't See It

DOS: Defective Operating System

BASIC: Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control

IBM: I Blame Microsoft DEC: Do Expect Cuts

CD-ROM: Consumer Device - Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too.

WWW: World Wide Wait

MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs

PENTIUM: Produces Erroneous Numbers Thru Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics

AMIGA: A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction

LISP: Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parentheses

MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed

WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System

MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers

RISC: Reduced Into Silly Code

blueygh2
02-04-2009, 02:31 PM
Great view

A general store owner hires a young female assistant with a penchant for very short skirts.

One day, a young man enters the store, glances at the assistant, and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter.

'I'd like some raisin bread, please,' the man says politely.

The assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf.

The man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view.

As the assistant retrieves the bread, a small group of male customers gather around the young man looking in the same direction.

Pretty soon each person is asking for raisin bread, just to see the assistant climb up and down.

After a few trips the assistant is tired and irritated.

She stops and fumes at the top of the ladder, glaring at the men standing below.

She notices an elderly man standing among the throng. 'Is yours raisin too?' The assistant yells testily.

'No,' croaks the old man, 'but it's starting to twitch.'

TooCircular
02-04-2009, 04:20 PM
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.

"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"Well, honey, I smoke five packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "Five packs of cigarettes!!!"

"I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?"

"Twenty-eight," he said.

PHOENIXMOON
02-04-2009, 05:32 PM
Hey all,
For those who have had given birth to children!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EM2CORdyv8k
(This is meant to be taken as 'tongue in cheek', you will need speakers).
~*Phoenix*~

saracidaltendencies
02-05-2009, 02:51 PM
A girl came skipping home from school one day.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl said.

"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy.

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled,

"we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a fully developed chest.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

"No Honey, it's because you're 24."

Ingrid
02-05-2009, 08:28 PM
The talking dog story.

A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college. Half way through the
semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money.

He calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course."

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

"So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.

" Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing' around with that little redhead who lives
in town?"

The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer, and then he went on to become the

Governor of Illinois ..

losnana
02-05-2009, 09:08 PM
This is a scream:

http://scdfa.org/les-freres-de-st-francis-de-la-sissies-hallelujah (http://scdfa.org/les-freres-de-st-francis-de-la-sissies-hallelujah)

Shandeh
02-06-2009, 05:20 PM
LOVE that, Losnana! :roflhard: :roflhard: :cheering: :cheering: :cheering:

Marria
02-06-2009, 07:55 PM
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

If a no-armed man has a gun, is he armed?

If firefighters fight fires and crime fighters fight crime, what do freedom fighters fight?

If you put a slinky on an escalator, would it go forever?

What's another word for thesaurus?

If you cross a four leaf clover with poison ivy, would you get a rash of good luck?

Who is more foolish, the fool, or the fool who follows him?

Why do they have Braille number pads at drive-through bank machines?

Is it ok to go door-to-door selling "No Soliciting" signs?

If it was a 3 hour cruise, why did Mrs. Howell have so many clothes?

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

Why is back pain medication always on the bottom shelf?

If talk is cheap, why is my phone bill so high?

If someone comes up to you and tells you that they're an obsessive compulsive liar, how do you know they're telling the truth?

How can you tell if Don King is having a bad hair day?

Should bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?

If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how do you know if it's wrong?

Do bleached blondes just pretend to have more fun?

Did the early settlers ever go on camping trips?

Why are the other lines always moving faster-until you get into one of them?

How can a person get a life sentence & be eligible for parole in 15 years?

ArtLady1981
02-08-2009, 06:14 PM
1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman . . . neither works

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral:
When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.


ABOUT GROWING OLDER...

First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable

Tenth ~ Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.

And finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.

kellyh57
02-08-2009, 08:24 PM
Here's some of my kids' favorites:

Knock-knock
Who's there?
Cows
Cows who?
No, silly, cows moo, owls hoo!

Knock-knock
Who's there?
Boo
Boo who?
Aw, you don't have to cry, it's just a knock-knock joke!

OffJumpsJack
02-09-2009, 02:35 PM
Outside: Knock-knock.
Inside: Who's there?
Out: Interupting Cow.
In: Interupting--
Out: Mooo!
In: --cow who?

From the world of Harry Potter.

Door: Knock, knock.
Harry: "Who's there"
Door: Predictable.
Harry: "Predictable who?"
Door: Predictable, as I have always said you were not gifted with the inner eye.
Harry: "Oh, Professor Trelawney, erm, Come on in."

Door: knock-knock
Hermione: Who's there?
Door: Erised (Pronounced "AIR-i-sed")
Hermione: Fluer, don't say it. Please don't say what Harry said until you're inside!


Bane: (Knocks twice on door, **knock, knock**)
Mars: (Approaches door) Who's there?
Bane: (In a clear voice) Bane.
Mars: (With confusion) Bane who?
Bane: (Shaking head and in a whisper aside) Mars is not so bright tonight.

--Jack

TooCircular
02-10-2009, 12:27 PM
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies." So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any rye bread?" She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" He said, "I want 5 loaves. She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves.. by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied , "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this crap but me!"

Shandeh
02-10-2009, 02:19 PM
A repairman with the electric company was testing a customer's meter. To check the line, he asked the customer several times to push down the lever on the toaster and tell him whether it was working. "Are you finished yet?" the customer yelled through the open kitchen window. "I'm almost out of bread!"

ArtLady1981
02-10-2009, 03:26 PM
Hey there Joksters! I'm behind in my JOKE THREAD!
I've been missing my daily energy boost!

Been tending to threads that need response, and in the meantime, nursing my half-dead hound dog who thought it would be a good idea to take on our 160lb Saint Bernard in the Championship Fight of the Year!

"Now in in the white fur corner, we have Blue, a 3 yr old, 80 lb Walker Coonhound! In the red fur corner, we have a 1 yr old,160 lb heavy weight contender, Charlie the St Bernard!"

Not exactly a fair fight, eh?

They went 4 rounds before they wore themselves out.
Blue lost. Surgery ensued, and $500 later...Blue is still in recovery in our kitchen. :pout: He's supposed to have the drain from one of his wounds removed today.

He's feeling better hour by hour. This morning, he can see over the barriers we put up to confine him to the kitchen...and he was growling at Charlie, who came up to the slider door to peer in.

Sigh. Both boys are neutered, but they are jealousy fighters.
They jockey for who's the PET. Who's the FAVORITE. Who's the first to be petted.

Anyhoo, later today I am going to indulge myself and savor all the new jokes posted since the FIGHTS last Thursday!

Charlie won but he's off to a Saint Bernard Rescue as soon as we can arrange it. We never ever want to see a fight like this again. The fights can just BURST OUT, without warning. 99% of the time, they are best buds. It's the 1% that is a killer. Charlie is only 1 yr old, and a lover. He'll be a good candidate for adoption.

I don't know how some folks in parts of the world can look upon dog fights for sport and gambling. :?? It is criminal, and so awful to see.

And my dogs are not even trained for fighting, and it was awful. :pout:

saracidaltendencies
02-10-2009, 04:12 PM
Oh no, I'm so sorry to hear! I hope Blue will be ok!

Sunshine's Mom
02-11-2009, 10:40 AM
Oh, Gosh, that's horrible. I hope they'll both be okay (and you humans too). That had to be unbelievably frightening. I'll be thinking of you.

Wanda Witch
02-11-2009, 11:02 AM
What a terrible thing to witness. Best wishes and a gentle pat for Blue.

Gertie
02-11-2009, 08:25 PM
Oh my! So sorry about your troubles.

I hope Charlie's history will not make him ineligible for the rescue group.

So sad to have to let one of them go. :pout: Where's Cesar Millan when you need him?

TooCircular
02-12-2009, 01:40 PM
New Definitions

TRAFFIC LIGHT -- apparatus that automatically turns red when your car approaches.

DIVORCE -- postgraduate in School of Love.

PIONEER -- early American who was lucky enough to find his way out of the woods.

PEOPLE -- some make things happen, some watch things happen, and the majority has no idea what's happened.

SWIMMING POOL -- a mob of people with water in it.

SELF-CONTROL -- the ability to eat only one peanut.

SALESMAN -- man with ability to convince wife she'd look fat in mink.

CANNIBAL -- person who likes to see other people stewed.

EGOCENTRIC -- a person who believes he is everything you know you are.

FOREIGN FILM -- any movie shown in a Texas theater that isn't a western.

OPTIMIST -- girl who regards a bulge as a curve.

MAGAZINE -- bunch of printed pages that tell you what's coming in the next issue.

COLLEGE: The four-year period when parents are permitted access to the telephone.

EMERGENCY NUMBERS: Police station, fire department and places that deliver.

OPERA: When a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding he sings.

BUFFET: A French word that means "Get up and get it yourself."

BABY-SITTER: A teen-ager who must behave like an adult so that the adults who are out can behave like teen-agers.

TATTOO: Permanent proof of temporary insanity.

Indygirl
02-13-2009, 09:42 AM
SUNDAY CLOTHES


A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the other direction.








'Hello,' said the little boy





'Hi,' replied the little girl.


'Where are you going?' asked the little boy.


'I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home,'

Answered the little girl.


'I'm also on my way home from church.

Which church do you go to?' asked the little boy.


'I go to the Baptist church back down the road,' replied the little girl.

'What about you? '





'I go to the Methodist church back at the top of the hill,'

Replied the little boy.




They discover that they are both going the same way

So they decided that they'd walk together.





They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road, so there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet.





'If I get my new Sunday dress wet, my Mom's going to skin me alive,' said the little girl.





'My Mom'll tan my hide, too, if I get my new Sunday suit wet,'

Replied the little boy.





'I tell you what I think I'll do,' said the little girl. 'I'm gonna pull Off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across.'





'That's a good idea,'replied the little boy.

'I'm going to do the same thing with my suit.'










So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet. They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on, when the little boy finally remarked:





'You know, I never realized before just how much difference there really is between a


BAPTIST and a METHODIST!!

ArtLady1981
02-13-2009, 06:24 PM
http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3357/3277621316_fe706a0287.jpg?v=0

AND SOME THINGS NEED NO WORDS! :roflhard:

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3408/3276800541_decaea0ca6.jpg?v=0


http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3524/3277621162_75518361e6.jpg?v=0



http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3458/3276800491_a1dc5bcbe6.jpg?v=0

saracidaltendencies
02-13-2009, 11:51 PM
HA!!!

Marria
02-13-2009, 11:56 PM
Ya know, Artlady-I don't know whether to laugh or cry about your cartoons there! :??

ArtLady1981
02-14-2009, 01:41 PM
Same thing my sister-in-law said when she sent the cartoons to me! There were more, but too depressing to send all! :teehee:

On the lighter side: WHY BOYS NEED MOTHERS:
http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3500/3278542377_09cac048d5.jpg?v=0

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3350/3279364392_639100ff17.jpg?v=0

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3401/3278542447_c8620fda4d.jpg?v=0

saracidaltendencies
02-14-2009, 11:06 PM
:teehee: Ain't that the truth!

KnitWit1987
02-16-2009, 10:15 AM
Carol came into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner.
Her birthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to
tell her mother what she wanted. 'Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.'
Now, Little Carol was a bit of a troublemaker. She had gotten into
trouble at school and at home. Carol's mother asked her if she thought
she
deserved to get a bike for her birthday. Little Carol, of course,
thought she
did.

Carol's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted her to reflect on her
behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God and tell him
why she deserved a bike for her birthday. Little Carol stomped up the
steps to
her room and sat down to write God a letter.

LETTER 1:Dear God:
I have been a very good girl this year and I would like a bike for my
birthday I want a red one.

Your friend,
Carol

Carol knew this wasn't true. She had not been a very good girl this
year, so she tore up the letter and started over.

LETTER 2:
Dear God:
This is your friend Carol. I have been a pretty good girl this year,
and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Carol

Carol knew this wasn't true either. She tore up the letter and started
again.

LETTER 3:
Dear God:

I know I haven't been a good girl this year. I am very sorry. I will
be a good girl if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Carol

Carol knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get her a
bike. By now, she was very upset. She went downstairs and told her
mother she wanted to go to church. Carol's mother thought her plan had
worked
because Carol looked very sad.

'Just be home in time for dinner,' her mother said.

Carol walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. She
looked around to see if anyone was there. She picked up a statue of the
Virgin
Mary, slipped it under her jacket and ran out of the church, down the
street, into her house, and up to her room. She shut the door and sat
down and wrote her letter to God.



LETTER 4:
I GOT YOUR MAMA.
IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.

Signed,
YOU KNOW WHO

Marria
02-16-2009, 01:22 PM
:roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard:

Indygirl
02-17-2009, 06:21 AM
On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The
turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck
by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.

Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. 'I'm too young to die,'
she wails. Then she yells, 'Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last
minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make
me feel like a WOMAN?'

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril.
They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then a cowboy from Montana stands up in the rear of the plane. He is
handsome: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts
to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt.


One button at a time........

No one moves..................

He removes his shirt................

Muscles ripple across his chest..........

She gasps....................

He whispers.................

'Iron this...then get me a beer.' :roflhard: :roflhard:

saracidaltendencies
02-17-2009, 11:42 AM
As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave
the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts etc.

Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your
captain, Judith Campbell and crew take you safely to your
destination."

Joe sitting in the 8th row thought to himself, "Did I hear her
right... is the captain a woman? I think I better have a scotch and
soda."

When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said, "Did I
understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"

"Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."

"My God," said Joe, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't
know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit."

"That's another thing," said the attendant, "We no longer call it the
cockpit. Now it's the box office."


:teehee:

OffJumpsJack
02-17-2009, 12:02 PM
Rob from the poor taxpayer to give to the rich?

:think:

Isn't that backwards compared to Robbin Hood?

Sunshine's Mom
02-17-2009, 12:51 PM
A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of
frozen crabs and asked a blonde, female crew member to
take care of the box for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He pointedly advised her that he was holding her personally
responsible for the crabs staying frozen, mentioned that he
was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would
happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to
announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave
me the crabs in New Orleans , please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:
1. Men never learn.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most men think

Shandeh
02-17-2009, 07:21 PM
Because the younger children at parochial school often forgot their sins when they entered confessional, the priest suggested that teachers have the students make lists. The next week when one child came to confession, the priest could hear him unfolding paper. The youngster began, "I lied to my parents. I disobeyed my mom. I fought with my brothers and . . ." There was a long pause. Then a small, angry voice said, "Hey, this isn't my list!"

Marria
02-22-2009, 10:15 PM
A tourist is picked up by a cabbie in New York on a dark night.
The passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.

The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, drives up on the sidewalk, and stops inches from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look friend, don't EVER do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologizes and says he didn't realize that a "little tap" could scare him so much.
The driver, after gathering himself together replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault.

Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving hearses for the last 25 years!

saracidaltendencies
02-27-2009, 12:28 AM
I can't remember if this one was posted yet or not, and, please forgive my laziness to check :teehee: Anyway, it's a funny one! ;)


Three construction men were sitting on a crossbeam high over the city, eating their lunches.

The first opens his and says, "If I get another liverwurst sandwich, I swear I'll jump off this building. I'm sick to death of liverwurst."

The second guy opens his lunch and says, "If I get one more spam sandwich, I swear I'll jump off this building.

I'm fed up with spam sandwiches." The third guy (blonde) opens his lunch and says, "I swear if I get one more meat-loaf sandwich, I'll jump off this building, too. I'm sick and tired of meat-loaf."

Their conversations were overheard by a fellow worker.

Next day all three men get the same lunches and one by one, all three jump off and fall to their deaths.

At the funeral of Mr. Liverwurst Sandwich, his wife was devastated. She said, "Had I only known he hated liverwurst so much, I'd have made him a variety every day. I thought he loved liverwurst. He never said anything."

At the funeral of Mr. Spam Sandwich, his wife, too, was devastated and said basically the same things.

At the funeral of Mr. Meat Loaf, the blond guy, his wife was distraught as well, but knowing all the circumstances of the three men's deaths she calmly said, "Don't blame me, people. He always made his own lunch!"

OffJumpsJack
02-27-2009, 03:23 PM
I have a Rottweiler.

I was buying a large bag of Purina dog food at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog?

On impulse, I told her no, and that I was starting "The Purina Diet" again. Although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry, but that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no; I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought the tall guy was going to have to have some help as he laughingly staggered to the door.

saracidaltendencies
03-03-2009, 10:10 AM
A mom and dad were worried about their son not wanting to learn math at the school he was in, so they decided to send him to a Catholic school. After the first day of school, their son comes racing into the house, goes straight into his room and slams the door shut.

Mom and dad are a little worried about this and go to his room to see if he is okay. They find him sitting at his desk doing his homework.

The boy keeps doing that for the rest of the year. At the end of the year the son brings home his report card and gives it to his mom and dad. Looking at it they see under math an A+.

Mom and dad are very happy and ask the son, "What changed your mind about learning math?"

The son looked at mom and dad and said, "Well, on the first day when I walked into the classroom, I saw a guy nailed to the plus sign at the back of the room behind the teacher's desk and I knew they meant business."

OxxxAmandaxxxO
03-11-2009, 12:43 AM
Sorry if these have been posted before....Just a few of my faves, and warning, they're pretty groansome! :D

What's ET short for?

Because he has little legs!

Why did Tigger put his head down the toilet?

He was looking for pooh!

Bloke walks into a cake shop, says, "Can I have a mince round please?
Shopkeeper replies, "You can walk how ever you want love."

I grilled a sausage last night, didn't give me any of the answers I wanted though.

Denise in Michigan
03-11-2009, 03:01 PM
[quote=OxxxAmandaxxxO;1213318]
Bloke walks into a cake shop, says, "Can I have a mince round please?
Shopkeeper replies, "You can walk how ever you want love."


This makes me think of "Are You Being Served?". I love John Inman!

saracidaltendencies
03-18-2009, 11:46 AM
A young man finds the woman of his dreams and asks her to marry him. He tells his mother he wants her to meet his fiance, but he wants to make a bit of a game out of it. He says he'll bring the girl over with two other women and see if his mother can guess which is the one he wants to marry. His mother agrees to the game.

That night, he shows up at his mother's house with three beautiful young ladies. They all sit down on the couch, and everyone has a wonderful evening talking and getting to know each other.

At the end of the evening, the young man asks his mother, "OK, Mom, which one is the woman I want to marry?"

Without any hesitation at all, his mother replies, "The one in the middle."

The young man is astounded. "How in the world did you figure it out?"

"Easy," she says. "I don't like her."

ArtLady1981
03-18-2009, 11:48 AM
:roflhard: Good one, Demonica!

OffJumpsJack
03-18-2009, 05:04 PM
Well, 19 years later and I'm still my MIL's favorite. :shrug:

But then the real question is if my DW is her MIL's favorite... :thumbsup:

According to my sisters and SILs, she is. :)

Either way, I'll keep her!

saracidaltendencies
03-23-2009, 12:43 AM
Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.

"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.

"Tommy," replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.

Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."

"Honest?" asked Billy.

"No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.

Shandeh
03-23-2009, 03:15 PM
Here's an old joke I used to tell when I was a little girl.

One day, Suzy came home from school with a quarter in her hand. Her Mama said, "Suzy, Where did you get that quarter?"

Suzy replied, "It was EASY! A little boy told me that if I climbed the tree by the road, he would give me a quarter. So I did it!"

Suzy's Mom exclaimed, "SUZY! That little boy was tricking you! He just wanted to look up your dress to see your panties! Don't EVER do that again!!"

The next day, Suzy came home with ANOTHER quarter in her hand. Her Mom was SO ANGRY!!! She said, "Suzy! I told you to never climb that tree for that little boy again!"

Suzy smirked and replied, "Well...Mom, you have nothing to worry about. I tricked HIM....He couldn't see my panties THIS time....because I WASN'T WEARING ANY!!!" :teehee:

saracidaltendencies
03-23-2009, 04:10 PM
:roflhard::roflhard:

saracidaltendencies
04-13-2009, 09:05 AM
Taxing Problems....

If all tax advisers were laid end to end, they would not reach an opinion.

In tax rules, miscellaneous is always the largest category.

Where there's a will there's a tax shelter.

A penny saved is bound to be taxed.

I don't have a tax solution, but I admire the problem.

If the chance of getting a tax audit is 1000 to 1, why is it 50/50 that it will be you?

A detailed analysis of tax strategy usually reveals that the best time to take positive tax action is last year.

I like being sent tax returns by pessimistic tax inspectors--they never expect to get them back

A tax inspector is someone who persists in holding his own view even after we've enlightened him with ours.

There are two sides to a debate on tax: until you take one.

For every tax problem there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated and wrong.

Due to taxation, politicians find it increasingly difficult to reconcile their net incomes with their gross habits.

Golf is a lot like taxes -- you drive hard to get to the green and then wind up in the hole.

Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day, and ends with cries of "May Day!"?

Do your tax return before breakfast and nothing worse will happen to you all day.

A fool and his money are soon parted. The rest of us wait until income tax time.

George Washington never told a lie, but then he never had to file a Form 1040.

ArtLady1981
04-13-2009, 03:07 PM
Those were good ones Demonica! Just in time to April 15 week.

:happydance:

Here one that any mother of a little boy will love:

LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET.HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP.

THE LITTLE BOY IS GRIPPING ON TO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITTING HIMSELF ON TOP OF THE HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.
HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALRIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR AWHILE."

BILLY SAYS: "I'M FINE, MOMMY. I JUST HAVEN'T GONE 'POOPY' YET.

"MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES. BUT, BILLY,WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?


"BILLY SAYS: "WORKS FOR KETCHUP!"

saracidaltendencies
04-13-2009, 10:56 PM
:roflhard::roflhard:

ArtLady1981
04-18-2009, 11:39 AM
DEAF WIFE ?
A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.

If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner,and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?" No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Still no response.Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey,what's for dinner?" Again there is no response.




So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"






"Ralph , for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"

Jan in CA
04-18-2009, 01:57 PM
OMG Dollyce, those two last jokes of yours are hilarious!! :yay:
:roflhard::roflhard::roflhard::roflhard::roflhard:

saracidaltendencies
04-18-2009, 10:17 PM
:roflhard: That last one is great!

ArtLady1981
04-19-2009, 10:45 PM
Please, just one at a time! One would be enough to either clear the elevator, or get yourself socked! :teehee:

1) CRACK open your briefcase or handbag, peer inside and ask "Got enough air in there?"

2) STAND silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.

3) WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you're embarrassed when they open themselves.

4) GREET everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.

5) MEOW occasionally.

6) STARE At another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: "You're one of THEM" - and back away slowly

7) SAY "DING" at each floor.

8) SAY "I wonder what all these do?" And push all the red buttons.

9) MAKE explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

10) STARE, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: "I have new socks on."

11) WHEN the elevator is silent, look around and ask: "Is that your beeper?"

12) TRY to make personal calls on the emergency phone.

13) DRAW a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: "This is my personal space."

14) WHEN there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you.

15) PUSH the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

16) ASK if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.

17) HOLD the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say "Hi Greg, how's your day been?"

18) DROP a pen and wail until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: "That's mine!"

19) BRING a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.

20) PRETEND you're a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the Passengers..

21) SWAT at flies that don't exist.

princessbonniejane
04-19-2009, 11:26 PM
lol

ArtLady1981
04-20-2009, 08:45 PM
A social worker from a big City in Massachusetts recently
transferred to the Mountains of North Carolina and Georgia
and was on the first tour of her new territory when she came
upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life.

Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door.

'Anybody home?' she asked.

'Yep,' came a kid's voice through the door.

'Is your Father there?' asked the social worker.

'Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in,' said the kid.

'Well, is your Mother there?' persisted the social worker.

'Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here,' said the kid.

'But,' protested the social worker, 'are you never together
as a Family?'

'Sure, but not here,' said the kid through the door. 'This
is the Outhouse!'

(Government workers are so smart).

saracidaltendencies
04-20-2009, 10:01 PM
:teehee:

bambi
04-20-2009, 10:41 PM
The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home from work any minute."

The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left. On the way home she thought about the love dress. When she got home she
undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door.

Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress" she replied.

"Needs ironing." he said.

saracidaltendencies
04-20-2009, 11:05 PM
:roflhard::roflhard:

Ooooohhhhh, that's TOO funny!

Abbily
04-22-2009, 10:01 AM
Descartes was sitting in a bar, and it was near closing time. The barman said, "Sir, do you want another drink?" Descartes replied, "Hmm, I think not." And he disappeared!

ArtLady1981
04-22-2009, 01:18 PM
:roflhard::roflhard::roflhard:

Good ones, Bambi and Abbily!!!

mwhite
04-22-2009, 02:41 PM
Good one!

Not sure if this one's been posted:

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.'

'Mrs. Sanders, please.'

'Speaking.'

'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your
husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another
Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to
your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.'

'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other
one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which.'

'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.

'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one
time.'

'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'

'The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off
somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't
sleep with him.'

ArtLady1981
04-22-2009, 02:51 PM
:roflhard::roflhard::roflhard::roflhard::roflhard:

Now THAT was a good one!!!!!!!

Jan in CA
04-22-2009, 03:22 PM
OMG! Mary and Bambi those are hilarious!! :yay: :roflhard:

Shandeh
04-22-2009, 09:09 PM
:cheering: :cheering: :cheering:

ArtLady1981
04-23-2009, 01:57 PM
Quote of the Day

Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there.

Josh Billings (http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/j/josh_billings.html)
more Famous Quotes (http://www.brainyquote.com/)