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View Full Version : You Brits are just too funny!


zkimom
11-18-2008, 01:02 PM
A friend of mine from the UK just emailed me this:


Message from Her Majesty the Queen

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour', 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced & lt; FONT face=Verdana color=#6e0d0c size=5>by the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let M*crosoft know on your behalf. The M*crosoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.


5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.


7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.

Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.


8. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt Eng lish dialogue in 'Four Weddings and a Funeral' was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.


12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.


14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.


15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.


God Save the Queen!


PS: Go ahead and share this with your friends in the USA (those with a good sense of humour and NOT humor.)

Denise in Michigan
11-18-2008, 01:31 PM
Oh, I loved this! Fantastic!

P.S. It has already begun; there are two roundabouts near my home, with more planned. We are not amused.

Abbily
11-18-2008, 02:18 PM
That is the funniest thing I have seen all day! :) Thanks!

Plantgoddess+
11-18-2008, 07:40 PM
Oh, I loved this! Fantastic!

P.S. It has already begun; there are two roundabouts near my home, with more planned. We are not amused.
I live in the country and we now have a roundabout.:shrug: The problem is they made it so small that 18 wheelers have difficulty going around and if you get more than 2 cars at the intersection at once it works like stop signs anyway as you wait for an opening.

mks22300
11-18-2008, 09:03 PM
Love it! :teehee:

Nobones
11-19-2008, 05:13 AM
:roflhard: :roflhard: Help I can't breathe!

That is so amazing, I'm copying and pasting that to a friend who recently came to the UK and is baffled by us all! He'll love it. Thanks.

Jeeze I can't tell you how much I laughed at that!

cindycactus
11-19-2008, 10:22 AM
That is so funny. We also have a roundabout in our little town that has been there for over 100 years. The town's water tower sat in the center of the circle until a storm came through and knocked it down in the 1980's. Not much traffic here to have any back up problems with it though. :roflhard:

DQ
11-19-2008, 12:03 PM
Funny :mrgreen: There's a place up here near Liverpool called Skelmersdale which is pretty much ALL roundabouts! It's not a good place to go if you get dizzy :passedout:

nephthys8
11-19-2008, 12:06 PM
Haha, we have several "traffic circles" in and around Washington DC, so this isn't as strange to me as it could be.

I'm sure I'll get yelled at for this, but after going on an exchange to the UK for 5 months, I say bring it on! I swear to all of you that it wouldn't actually be as bad as you might think...

MoniDew
11-19-2008, 01:18 PM
I must now START driving on the left hand side of the road, from the right hand side of the car? Maybe that's what I've been doing wrong all this time....

Thank you for the laugh!!!:yay:
________
Honda C70 Specifications (http://www.honda-wiki.org/wiki/Honda_C70)

miccisue
11-20-2008, 09:08 PM
With the talk of "roundabouts", all I can think of is Chevy Chase in "National Lampoon's European Vacation" where they are in the car going around and around and around......"Look kids, there's Big Ben!!!" :rofl:

And yes, I know I watch too many movies...........

iza
11-21-2008, 11:10 AM
A UK colony in North America? That's Canada! Just merge with us! :teehee:

We don't have too many roundabouts, don't worry. We do use the metric system though! Oh and we have the vegetable peeler thing too. :rofl:

nbrome
11-23-2008, 04:43 AM
The US has to be one of the most conservative of countries. Have you ever changed anything?
I remember many years ago when the UK changed from pounds shillings and pence to decimal coinage. That's not just like changing weights and measures. You have to go shopping the next day and use your decimal money! It was great fun.
I was also living in Italy when they changed from the lira to the euro. Does any intrepid traveller remember the old lira? So many zeros. A litre of milk alone cost something like 600, a taxi ride to the airport something like 50,000 lira (or 500,000 if the driver was a crook and the passenger unknowing).
A friend of mine was in Sweden when they changed from driving on the left to driving on the right. At 3am all traffic anywhere had to stop and move to the other side of the road. There were several problems the next day!

Knitting_Guy
11-23-2008, 09:23 AM
Does any intrepid traveller remember the old lira?

Last time I was in Italy (or Europe in general) was in the early 80s. I still have some currency from back then, including the Italian Lira, some Spanish Pesetas, and Turkish Lira.

And I hate roundabouts when driving my rig. Damn annoying things.

saracidaltendencies
11-24-2008, 12:02 AM
Yeah, we just got a roundabout here and my god that things looks like an accident waiting to happen! All those yield signs and having to look every way your head will turn to make sure no one else is coming...lol...

kellyh57
11-24-2008, 11:21 AM
My kids love roundabouts, especially when we have to go 3/4 the way around! I always get the urge to pull a Chevy Chase and just keep going around and around. We have a couple in the new shopping areas they are building around here. We'll see how well they get once all of the slots are filled up!

Kelly