PDA

View Full Version : Mother / Daughter Dynamics


Arielluria
05-01-2009, 10:37 AM
Artlady made a comment on another post about mother/daughter dynamics which made me want to start this thread. I'm only a daughter, no kids myself. My mom is 79 and she moved in with us about a year ago for health reasons. We enjoy having her here, my husband loves her and they get along great together. She and I do as well, but something interesting happened when she moved in, and I'm sure this happens for children who move back in with parents..........the parents tend to want to be in charge over the kids like before. :teehee:

I still have to remind my mother that I had been living without her for 20 years and not ONCE had I forgotten to bathe, or put on socks when my feet were cold, etc..........:teehee:

I guess it's just hard to stop being a mother eh?!? I can understand that, but we also know each other well enough for me to know when mine starts trying to play mind games to get me to do what she wants, and I know how to put a stop to it. It takes logic, which she can't refute, such as that I won't DIE if I skip a meal!!!!!!!!!

Additionally, from seeing family dynamics in my DH's family I can see that mothers and daughters are closer, they yell at each other, get things off their chests and then everything's OK again. As opposed to my DH's family who just kept it all in and now no one talks to each other.

I'm glad I'm an only child! :woohoo:

MoniDew
05-01-2009, 11:26 AM
this is an extremely difficult topic for me.

1) my mother has hurt me so badly that the only way i can protect myself is to keep her at both a physical and an emotional distance.

2) i would hate to have this kind of distance in my relationship with any of my children - but - one of my children has hurt me so badly that I can barely stand to look at him. Thus: distance

these things tend to go in circles, in spite of how desparate you are to avoid repeating them.

cftwo
05-01-2009, 12:14 PM
I'm glad I'm one of 5. If my mother lived with me, we'd kill each other. (On the other hand, my dad's life would be in danger at some of my sisters' homes.) My mom hasn't been cruel or anything - our personalities just tend to clash. I can do "girl talk" a lot more with my dad than I can with my mom - I can even call and say "Dad! Want to "see" what I bought today?" But my mom somehow manages to say just those right things which make me think I should be different than how I am.

But I wouldn't know how to knit or sew without my mom.

Arielluria
05-01-2009, 12:56 PM
Monidew, I'm sorry about your mom. Unfortunately, it seems this subject might be more hurtful to some than it is rather funny to me. I hope it doesn't seem that I was insensitive to that in starting it. :hug: I'm always hearing of such stories and after the breakup of my husband's family it seems to me to be more the norm than the exception nowadays. Blood just doesn't necessarily make you close, I've had friends I knew I could rely on 1000x more than family.

My mom and I are very different people, and we can get pretty mad at each other sometimes. It's important to have time away from each other in order for us to remain happy. That could just mean I go shopping and she has the house to herself, or I go pull weeds rocking out to my favorite music in the garden.

It's sort of a tango of who's on top and who's in charge on her part, though I do go out of my way to make her feel like she hasn't lost any independence. She forgets sometimes that her life hasn't been the only one disrupted by the changes. We asked her to move in with us for her safety, not ours. She's very emotional and forgets that sometimes.

What really bugs me is the constant mothering. I'm 41, I don't need to be told when and what to eat. BUT I guess she'll never stop being a mother!

There's a funny scene in an episode of Frasier where he and his dad go at it over a germy sponge. It's hillarious, I wish I could find it on YouTube. I ROFLMAO every time I see it because that's me and mom in a nutshell. I'm a little TOO organized, she's a little lax, but in the end my husband is the creamy filling in the middle of two hard cookies (like an Oreo) - analogy used on Frasier, that keeps us together.

Jan in CA
05-01-2009, 01:52 PM
I have 3 daughters - DSD is 38, DD1 is 32, and DD2 is 29. My mom died (pancreatic cancer) when I was 20.

My daughters and I are very close and have been for several years. They call frequently just to say hi as well as ask for help or my opinion on various things. This is the relationship I always wanted with my girls.

However - It hasn't always been this way. There were times when I was very hurt by something they said. Looking back now I can see that when those things happened it was often because I overreacted to something or tried to 'mother' in a situation that I should have backed off. I try to let them come to me now if they want my opinion and I try not to 'mother' them so much when they are around. They are grownups.. something I had to learn, too. :teehee:

I was so young when my mom died that I didn't get to reach the point I am now with my own daughters. We were pretty close, but it gets better and I missed that.

hookedonknitting
05-01-2009, 02:26 PM
Well as a new mom I have to say I was please to hear that I was having boys because I did not want a daughter like me!! All I do is look back and shake my head! I am glad my mom decided to ignore some of these instances, but every now and again she reminds me " you remember when you said...." :rofl: