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View Full Version : UPDATE: In for a penny. What's done is done.


MoniDew
05-06-2009, 07:57 PM
When my family received a call from a young lady (my youngest son's girlfriend) trying to escape an abusive home, we felt an obligation to provide assistance. We knew/suspected that this family had "issues" because of the extreme level of control they exercise over their daughter. (She cannot hold a job, go to school, drive a car, talk on the phone, have contact with anyone outside of her immediate family, etc. My son and she "sneak" to make contact with each other, whenever they can.)

We took her directly to the nearest police station and had her make a statement. The officer who took her statement told us not to let her go back to her home and asked if there was a friend she could stay with temporarily. A quick phone call to our state's Department of Human Services authorized my daughter's home as her safe house. Since my son still lives at home, we didn't think having the two of them under the same roof would be approved. So, my daughter, who lives two blocks away and who's husband is in law enforcement were the next best choice. We knew they would be approved immediately - they were. We also got a protective order against her father. As we suspected, the family was covering for some serious abuse. (Not to mention attempting to use Stockholm syndrome as a parenting tactic.)

Problem: her mother harassed our local police station and city attorney until my daughter and her husband were forced to put her into a group home or my son-in-law would lose his job. The mom did everything in her power to prevent her going to the group home, but after being interviewed by DHS she was deemed unfit for failure to protect, All of the mother's suggestions of family members and friends were deemed unsuitable, there was nowhere else for her to go. The intake person at the group home also told my daughter that there is "no way" she should go back to her home. That the mother is absolutely delusional in thinking that the girl is making all this up. So, the girl was in the group home until her court date - which is tomorrow.

Problem: the mother harassed the group home people until they removed my daughter and her husband from the "OK to visit" list and changed the password on her daughter's behalf so that we couldn't call and check up on her.

Problem: the mother put a restraining order against my son for contributing to her delinquency (he's just turned 18, she's just about to turn 18 in a couple of months) sneaking her out a bedroom window (OK, I know that's wrong, but what choice did they have,) calling her on the phone he bought and paid for her to have and they discovered and took away. She also claims he tried to rape/molest/beat/etc, her - which never happened and may actually be a cover for what is going on within her own home. His future and his reputation are now in serious jeopardy because he wanted to help this sweet girl.

Problem: tonight is the last day she can stay in the group home. Only a one week stay is allowed at a time because it's intended to be temporary. The mom will be picking the girl up from the group home tonight and will refuse to allow her to appear in court tomorrow to make a statement to the judge regarding her father. She's already told my son-in-law as much.

So, now we are in a quandary for what we can or cannot do, and what we should or should not do. UGH! I am so worried sick about this whole thing. We tried so hard to do the right thing for this girl but her delusional mother has turned this into such a nightmare for all of us.

This should have been something light & sweet for my son to look fondly on later in life as his first love. But these sick parents have forced this whole thing to go in such a "Romeo & Juliet" direction that there is no way now! They could actually be forcing these two kids to jump into a too-early marriage, marry the "wrong" people, etc. All because they couldn't just let their daughter be a teenager for Chr*st sake!

saracidaltendencies
05-06-2009, 10:09 PM
:hug:

Words escape me at the moment, but, I hope everything turns out ok, no one should have to go through that...At the very least, she doesn't have too long to wait until she turns 18, and I don't know if it's this way in every state but here, I believe, at 18, legally the parents cannot force her to stay with them.

Jan in CA
05-07-2009, 01:38 AM
Words escape me... I am so shocked. :noway: I can't offer any advice, but only my support and best wishes for you all and especially this young woman. :hug:

cftwo
05-07-2009, 09:35 AM
I'm so sorry for what this young woman is going through. My instinct is to try to find someone to swoop in to rescue her, but I'm guessing that there is enough other evidence that having the girl not show up in court tomorrow will be a Big Mistake on the part of the mother. From what you've said, I would be very surprised if a judge didn't also realize that the mother was unstable and it wasn't safe for the daughter to go back home. But that one night back in her mother's clutches scares the bejeebers out of me.

Sunshine's Mom
05-07-2009, 10:13 AM
She should phone the police herself and make another complaint so the process will start all over again and she may be able to stay in the group home until she turns 18. Once she turns 18 she can do what she likes. I'm not even sure right now, at age 17, that she HAS to go with her mother. She should make complaints against both her mother and father, then she definitely wouldn't have to go with her. The folks at the group home are aware of the situation, I can't believe that they would force this girl to go with her unfit mother.

There's no restraining order against you is there? Can you get a message to this girl to make a new complaint(s)? Or at least tell her to speak with the group home director about refusing to go with her mother. Can you make an anonymous Child Protective complaint on her behalf? Stating that this mother is trying to bring her child back to an abusive environment. I'm sure DSS/CPS is already involved, but another complaint can't hurt and might help her.

I really feel for you and her and your son. She's been very strong to get this far. If there is anyway that you can speak with her or get a message to her that she should stay strong, that you're there for her and trying to help her, that could make all the difference to her safety and her state of mind. The actions that her mother has taken since she made the complaint speak to the fact that she is unfit and trying to cut her off from everyone else but her abusive family.

All my fingers are crossed for you, your son and her. I'm praying for her safety and thanking God for your intervention on her behalf already.

MoniDew
05-07-2009, 11:47 AM
Thank you all so much for your words of comfort and prayers on everyone's behalf.

My son-in-law was somehow able to get through to the staff to keep her one more night. She was released to her mother this morning, and told to take her to the courthouse this morning. I still don't know if the mother actually got her to the courthouse. I've been praying for her all morning that she can have her day in court and have her say - that her mother would be forced to shut up and not interfere in her words. If her mother speaks, that it would be obvious to the judge that she's unfit, etc.

So far, I have not heard back yet how it went. I don't think that any member of my family was able to go (I don't have transportation, my son has a restraining order so he went to school as usual, my daughter must work, my son-in-law is working, my husband must work, etc.) But I will check around to see if anyone knows how today went in court.

Keep praying. Thank you.

Editing to add, here:
My son just got home from school. He's pacing the floors, so worried about her. We've just texted my daughter for news, but no answers yet. My daughter thinks she might be served with protective order soon, as well. Just as one of the mother's tactics for keeping outsiders out of her "business." No response to the text yet.

hookedonknitting
05-07-2009, 12:07 PM
I am so sorry. I know this is no consolation now.... but eventually things will work out ( for what they are) and wounds will heal.

Jenelle
05-07-2009, 12:11 PM
I can't even begin to imagine the trauma that she has been through with her family. Her mother must be one nutcase for her to treat her like that, especially at this delicate age where you have enough going on.

Kudos to you and your family for helping her, and I'll keep you guys in my thoughts until you hear more news. :hug:

MoniDew
05-07-2009, 03:12 PM
bad news: the mother has somehow forced her daughter to drop the protective order against her father in front of the judge today. she's now going home with her mother.

my son thinks that the only way the daughter would have agreed to that is if the mother promised to drop the order against my son. I absolutely doubt she ever will. Without a doubt, the girl will be severely beaten for creating this entire episode.

keep praying for her.

Sunshine's Mom
05-07-2009, 03:43 PM
Oh no. That poor girl. I think I'd still make an anonymous CPS hotline call on her behalf. Is she still in high school? Maybe you could (or your son could) go talk to the counselor and ask for assistance or his/her intervention or to at least have a discussion with the girl.

I'll be thinking of you all and adding my prayers to yours.

Jan in CA
05-07-2009, 03:53 PM
Unbelievable. :???: There must be something that can be done by social services or something.

At least when she's 18 she can leave w/o any consequences.

MoniDew
05-07-2009, 11:08 PM
Oh no. That poor girl. I think I'd still make an anonymous CPS hotline call on her behalf. Is she still in high school? Maybe you could (or your son could) go talk to the counselor and ask for assistance or his/her intervention or to at least have a discussion with the girl.

I'll be thinking of you all and adding my prayers to yours.

She's not in school. She's "homeschooled". (BIG FAT LIE!)

The hope is, now that she's in the system, they should check up on her periodicaly. Problem is, she's so close to being 18, they may just forget about her in favor of other kids who are going to be in the system longer.

Pray for my son. He goes before the judge on May 18th for this protective order the mom got against him. Scary stuff. He such a sweet boy! He totally doesn't deserve what this mother is doing to him.

Sunshine's Mom
05-08-2009, 11:22 AM
I'm sure all your son needs to say is that he is worried about her. That he wasn't trying to come in between her family members and her. If this woman shows up the important thing is for him not to let her bait him into a fight and/or screaming match in Court. If he remains calm he can get his point across. Simply put, he was and is afraid for her safety. That's all. He doesn't want to make things more difficult for her and if that means not being in contact with her right now, he'll do that. If she starts a fight she looks like the lunatic. Unfortunately, if the girl has to go to Court too she probably won't be able to go against her mother's wishes, even though that's exactly what she should do and would want to do. My heart is just breaking for her.

Besides, when this girl turns 18 (how long is it anyway), she can rescind it herself. I don't know the laws in Oklahoma, but I have to imagine that once she comes of age she can walk out that front door and into a better life. And you'll all be waiting. That's not to say that your son and she will be together for life, but friends are always needed and appreciated. And, at least, she knows someone cares and is there for her and tried to help her. She won't forget that and it might make all the difference to her inner strength right now.Crossed Fingers

Simply_Renee
05-08-2009, 12:57 PM
Holy crap.

Thank goodness she is turning 18 soon. I hope she can put this whole mess behind her.

MoniDew
05-08-2009, 02:15 PM
we got a phone call in the middle of the night from the girl - to my son's cellphone, which I had to answer so he wouldn't violate the protective order. Get this:

Mommy is sending her away, for a year, to the job corps. She has no choice.

Lovely.

did I mention that my son's court date is May 18th. Keep :pray: Thank you!

I'm :ick: of the drama. Can I have my life back now, please?

OffJumpsJack
05-08-2009, 02:48 PM
Guardian ad Litem (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Legal_guardian) is a person appointed to protect the minor's rights. Such as
:think:
This girl should have her own lawyer. I am surprised that CPS didn't do that.
:oo:
For your son, can you file a counter claim against the girls mother for slander, libel, or defamation of character? What about Good Samaritan (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Good_Samaritan_law) law protection for you son coming to the aid of an injured person.

Consent may be implied by the legal fiction that "peril invites rescue" (as in the rescue doctrine).

Crossed Fingers and prayers.

MoniDew
05-12-2009, 12:08 PM
Finally caught a break! WHEW! Just when we didn't think we could take it any more, our young lady managed to get word out through her therapist, to her case worker, to our local domestic violence group that her mother's protective order against my son was a fraud. The DV group CALLED US to say that they wanted to represent my son against the mother because it is against the law to file a protective order for the purposes of harrassment or retaliation.

we went in to interview with their lawyers (3 high-powered lady lawyers - all of whom were TOTALLY AWESOME!) and they were just about to take the case when they noticed the fine print stamped accross the bottom of my son's protective order read DVIS. BUMMER. Mom had filed the protective order against my son through them. They couldn't take his case because of conflict of interest. So they put their heads together and said, "Who hates DVIS enough and would love to take a pro-bono case against us?" HAHAHA We got the names of 2 blood-thirsty sharks who would love to defend my son!

Hallelujah! JUST WHEN WE NEEDED IT THE MOST!

Jenelle
05-12-2009, 12:20 PM
This is great news! I'm glad everything is going better for this young woman and your family. :hug:

saracidaltendencies
05-12-2009, 12:23 PM
Oh good! Hopefully this is just the beginning of a whole lotta change!

HollyP
05-12-2009, 12:41 PM
That's great!! Like Demonica said I hope this is the beginning of lots of change and good news!

cftwo
05-12-2009, 01:11 PM
That's good news, MoniDew! I hope it keeps on going right for this young lady.

Sunshine's Mom
05-12-2009, 01:26 PM
That's great news!! She's a strong girl, that one. And, what about those lawyers, huh? I'm a paralegal and work for a lawyer that's one of the good ones who would've done something like they did. Not ALL lawyers are bad. Good luck, great news!

Debkcs
05-12-2009, 07:20 PM
Does this girl not have access to a computer, or knowledge of how to use a library? When I was 14, I had myself made an 'emancipated minor'. This meant that my parents no longer had any legal control over me, at all, forever.

Sounds like this is a very immature girl who has bought what her parents have said to her, kind of a 'Stockholm' thing, but far worse because it could go on your son's records for the rest of his life.It's probably a blessing for him that her mom, no matter how delusional, put the order of protection against him.

I know, from personnal and work experience, that there are some truly crappy parents out there, I pray that your son escapes any entrapment with this family.

MoniDew
05-16-2009, 07:47 PM
Just a quick reminder that Monday May 18th is my ds's day in court to defend these bogus charges. Please stay in prayer! Pray that they are dropped and his record expunged. Thank you!

sgtpam
05-16-2009, 08:13 PM
:pray: :hug: :pray:

lulubell
05-17-2009, 08:50 PM
Just a quick reminder that Monday May 18th is my ds's day in court to defend these bogus charges. Please stay in prayer! Pray that they are dropped and his record expunged. Thank you!

It's the 18th, I am thinking of you, your son and the rest of the family. Please let us know what happens asap. :grphug:

knitasha
05-17-2009, 09:22 PM
Mommy is sending her away, for a year, to the job corps. She has no choice.



Something's phony about this. You can't just ship a child off to the Job Corps as though it were a summer camp. There's a detailed application process that the applicant, not the parent, has to go through. God knows where they intend to send this poor child, but I doubt very much that it's the Job Corps (where at least she'd be safe and cared for.)

Information here: http://www.jobcorps.gov/home.aspx

I hope the hearing on Monday not only clears your lovely son but sheds some light on the pathology of this girl's family. The mother may be the one making all the noise, but she may also be enabling abuse by the other parent or siblings. It's not an uncommon scenario. It would be wonderful if the hearing ends the drama for you and your family. Even more wonderful if it started a process of help for the young lady.

Lucy78green
05-18-2009, 08:26 AM
Good luck, that's a horrible situation to be in!

MoniDew
05-18-2009, 11:59 AM
quick update: we have been granted a continuance until Wed May 20th, so the lawyer can have time to prepare my son's case. This is the best Plan B scenario. Plan A would have been if the mother would have just dropped the whole thing, but NNNNNNNNNNNNNoooooooooooooooo! :teehee:

thank you all for your :pray: I can't begin to express how meaningful you are to me!!!

MoniDew
05-18-2009, 12:06 PM
Something's phony about this. You can't just ship a child off to the Job Corps as though it were a summer camp. There's a detailed application process that the applicant, not the parent, has to go through. God knows where they intend to send this poor child, but I doubt very much that it's the Job Corps (where at least she'd be safe and cared for.)
Information here: http://www.jobcorps.gov/home.aspx

actually - the DVIS ladies just told us that today. They said, "this program is voluntary. she can leave the day she turns 18." we breathed a sigh of relief!

I honestly think it's all about control for her mother. She just wants to maintain all the power. I just pray "our" girl gets what she needs/wants in her life....

Sshhh :psst: I got to give her a hug today. I saw her in the hallway outside of the courtroom, because her mother refused to allow her to go inside. While momma was inside dealing with the paperwork, I snuck a hug! Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah!

Sunshine's Mom
05-18-2009, 03:35 PM
Sshhh :psst: I got to give her a hug today. I saw her in the hallway outside of the courtroom, because her mother refused to allow her to go inside. While momma was inside dealing with the paperwork, I snuck a hug! Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah!

You little sneak, you! :thumbsup: Nicely done. Will be thinking of you again on the 20th.

dustinac
05-18-2009, 03:37 PM
:hug::pray::heart:

Debkcs
05-20-2009, 03:06 AM
Glad she got a hug from someone who cares for her, nothing worse than a control freak for a mom.

I'll say an extra prayer for your son today . . . that the judge or whoever sees through this woman, and clears your son.

MoniDew
05-20-2009, 11:51 AM
I'll say an extra prayer for your son today . . . that the judge or whoever sees through this woman, and clears your son.
thank you! that is exactly what we need!
it all happens at 3:30pm (my time). Everybody, please pray today!

PS: My son woke up this morning asking if I had anything that could calm his nerves. Poor baby! I would need to be SEDATED if this were happening to me! LOL!!

Pray for courage. We're gonna need it.

MoniDew
05-20-2009, 08:31 PM
Bad news first: The judge determined that our family was "interfering" in their right to raise their daughter as they saw fit. She ordered my son, my whole entire family, and my daughter's whole entire family to have no contact with the girl until the next hearing date, which is scheduled for 3 days before her 18th birthdate. (Aug 6th - which happens to be MY birthdate. Her's is Aug 9th) At that time, she could drop the temporary protective order if she desired and my son could have his record expunged because they both expressed that this was against their wishes as a couple.

On hearing the outcome, that our entire family was barred from having any contact with her, the girl had a TOTAL MELTDOWN and ran out of the courtroom screaming down the hall. She HATES her family for doing this to her! She's been sandbagged in court twice now by her family. Poor baby. Broke my son's heart to see her like that.

Good new: My son performed excellently under cross examination by their lawyer and the girl performed excellently under cross examination by ours! The kids were great!

My daughter pulled my son aside after everything was over and basically told him that if he were to marry the girl, these are the in-laws he would be getting for the rest of his life. She warned him that they would pull the two of them apart, probably in less than 2 years. She leveled with him that, although he truly loved her, he really should let her go. Period. I was proud of her for being that straight and level with him. And glad that our family is able to have such open communication with each other. I love my kids - can you tell?!

My heart is sad that we have had this experience. And I really pray that my son can see the light and move on with his life now. I really can't see being co-grandmothers with this woman. Ya' know?

Jan in CA
05-20-2009, 10:12 PM
I'm so sorry. The judge sounds narrow minded too IMO. But you're right, what's done is done and now you have to live by it for 3 mos at least.

I have to agree with your daughter though. A relationship with her could be a nightmare unless she is willing to relinquish them from her life. I'm surprised if she hates them that much that she hasn't run away which makes me think she may not be strong enough for relinquishing them. Sounds like that might happen someday, but that's something you'll have to wait and see.

:hug:

cftwo
05-21-2009, 08:48 AM
More than anything, I feel so sorry for the girl. I pray she has the strength to get through these next few months OK.

Sunshine's Mom
05-21-2009, 10:04 AM
That it heartbreaking news altogether, but it would appear that in August it will all go away for your son.

Your daughter was right and very brave for laying it out straight to your son. They both sound like very level headed, caring individuals. Kudos to you mom and dad. I certainly hope that your son wouldn't be thinking of marrying anyone at 18 years old, much less this girl. Yet, anyway. You never know what the future might bring. She could disown her family entirely to move on and make a new life for herself. Unfortunately, since they've been so controlling, she may not be able to, or think she can, take care of herself. It will all play out as life dictates. In the meantime, if nothing else, she's learned that there are people out there who care for others and that her family is dysfunctional. She can break the chain.

I'm so sorry you all had to go through this since you were just trying to help. Don't ever give up that compassion - it will be rewarded. Your awesome, Monidew. Have a cup 'o tea, now and relax. :wink:

MoniDew
05-21-2009, 01:58 PM
:roflhard: How'd you know that I'd be sittin' here drinkin' tea?! :heart:

OffJumpsJack
05-21-2009, 03:44 PM
:roflhard: How'd you know that I'd be sittin' here drinkin' tea?! :heart:

Sampling your product again, MoniDew? :eyebrow2:

Don't drink up all your proffits now. ;)

Sunshine's Mom
05-21-2009, 03:46 PM
:roflhard: How'd you know that I'd be sittin' here drinkin' tea?! :heart:

Well, if anyone's going to have the "relax your cares away" tea - it'd be you! :rofl:

OffJumpsJack
05-21-2009, 03:58 PM
In the meantime, if nothing else, she's learned that there are people out there who care for others and that her family is dysfunctional. She can break the chain.



I've learned that when most people use 'dysfunctional' they often really means malfunctional. :oo:

We (our families) are all a little bit dysfunctional at least occasionally. Those families that cause harm to their own members are just bad (i.e. malicious, malodorous, and malfunctional) ones. :sad: :sad: :sad:

(MoniDew, you and yours are still in our prayers)

MoniDew
05-21-2009, 04:42 PM
Sampling your product again, MoniDew? :eyebrow2:

Don't drink up all your proffits now. ;)
oh, yes! I am quite guilty of that!!!

Come on everybody! Buy my tea and support my personal habit! Thank you!! :yay: