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Crycket
05-26-2009, 08:10 PM
Ok...

I have a dilema....

A friend of mine is getting married....(for those of you who remember...this friend is also the one who just found out she has breast cancer....not relevant to this story...but just making sure you are still with me...*smiles*)

She wants to get married in the Caribbean on a cruise.

I am her best friend and there is no one else she would rather have there with her than me.

I would like nothing more to be there...

However....

I am scared to fly....

I do not do well in the heat....

I am not really ready/willing to pay for the cruise (about $2000 US...per person)

My hubby who I will not go without does not do well on boats...

Now...I said to her "asking me to go on a plane is no different than me asking you to watch a zombie movie" (she is dead against it, and scared of them)

She said "if you asked me to watch a zombie movie at your wedding, I would have..."

She said if money is an issue, her and her parents can help...which really...I am kinda not comfortable with...especially cause it is her party, I don't want to make her pay for me...

I also get heat exhaustion very easily...even when I am playing precautions...

She wants to play the puppy dog eyes card...but I have also told her that to go, I would be very outside my comfort zone, in many ways.

I feel bad about saying no...but I would feel very uncomfortable going...

What do you do?

Jan in CA
05-26-2009, 09:39 PM
Oh boy... that's a tough one. If it was just getting on a plane I would say do it anyway, but then we have health issues in the heat, motion sickness, financial issues. Eeek. :zombie: I'm not sure. I think I personally would have to tell her that you love and support her, but you just won't be able to be there with her. Tell her you'll give her a big party when she comes home..or something and hope she understands. :shrug:

saracidaltendencies
05-26-2009, 10:15 PM
Ohh, that is a tough one...I totally understand where you're coming from though, ESPECIALLY the flying part...Ugh. I HATE flying!

I think, what I would do, is explain to her that yes, you are my best friend and of course I would love to be a part of your big day, but, explain the reasons you're uncomfortable with it, health wise, "fear" (for lack of a better word) wise, and financially...Maybe see if she would like it if you planned a Caribbean themed party for when they return, to celebrate the wedding, and, maybe have a mock wedding for all of her friends and family to witness...Explain that you really do not want it to come between you two but you are truly uncomfortable with it for a number of reasons...

Crycket
05-26-2009, 10:43 PM
She knows I am uncomfortable...and is still pressing....

I feel bad cause I know she really wants me there...and that is the reason for the pressure...but it is a really big expense just for a wedding. If it was a vacation I was wanting to take anyway...sure...but really...that would be $4000 to be at a wedding.

DH and I are really not vacation ppl. And if I had to spend most of my time on the boat cause the heat was too much...what fun would that be for vacation anyway?

She is going to have a party anyway...she said...for all those who can't make the cruise. I told her we could have a special one with just us if I can't make it...She still really wants me there...which makes my heart break to tell her otherwise...

I think I will suggest even that they have the ceremony here and have the cruise as a honeymoon. That way more ppl can partake of the actual festivities. I don't think she will buy it...but it is worth a shot.

The good thing right now...is that it not going to be right away. They got engaged last week...but she still has 6 months of Chemo and Radiation to do...and doesn't want to go down the aisle looking like she just had 6 months of chemo and radiation...so she is looking ahead a year or possibly two....

dustinac
05-27-2009, 08:15 AM
Maybe since it is so new she will change her mind? If she isn't planning on having it for a year or two this could be just the excitement talking but once she has time to think and adjust to the idea of getting married she might change her mind... esp. if she sees that not many can afford to do this or able to go...:hug:

cftwo
05-27-2009, 08:38 AM
I don't like flying, and I'm not a big fan of hot weather, and I get motion sick, and I wouldn't pay $2000 to attend my best friend's wedding. So I understand exactly where you are. I would continue to say that I just didn't think I could make it, though I was thrilled for her happiness.

Now if she did a wedding in Canada and a honeymoon in the tropics that sounds about perfect to me. Does she think the wedding will have to be fancier if she has it at home, but she can do a really small (and cheaper) wedding if she does a destination wedding?

knitgal
05-27-2009, 09:18 AM
I think you need to tell her everything you told us. You need to say that you don't feel comfortable flying, or being in the heat and despite that you can't afford it and don't feel comfortable taking other people's money. Tell her that you want to be there just as much as she wants you there, but you just can't do the things she wants to do.
If she really truly does want you there, she will figure out an alternative wedding plan. If this is her dream and she is determined to do it, you might have to sit this one out.

Sunshine's Mom
05-27-2009, 10:17 AM
Is she asking you to be her matron of honor or just a guest at the wedding? I would think that comes into play with your decision making. I must admit that I am not a fan of the "destination wedding" as I think it puts too much financial pressure on your guests.

If she is asking you to be her matron of honor and that this is the dream wedding she has always wanted and it wouldn't be as special for her if you couldn't be there standing up for her - I think, if I were you, that I'd try to overcome my inhibitions and do this for her. The money issue is the biggest hurdle to overcome in this instance. If she wants you to be her matron of honor, perhaps it's acceptable that she (or her parents) could pay your way considering you'd have to be buying a dress, etc., etc..

If she's just wants you there as a guest, I think it's perfectly acceptable to tell her that you just 1) can't afford it and you don't think it's fair for anyone else to foot an additional bill for someone to go since they're probably already paying quite a bill for the wedding as is; and 2) you are NOT a plane, ship and heat person. None of these things appeal to you and, in fact, could really make her time miserable if you and your husband are sick for a good majority of her wedding. You would not dream of doing anything to ruin her day.

Keep in mind that she may not realize how fearful you are of flying, being on a ship and suffering from heat exhaustion during her wedding. Since she doesn't suffer from these things it's easy to just brush it off. She's not negating your feelings, she just doesn't want to acknowledge that they could keep you away. It's excuses that she's hearing, not actual maladies. You need to make her understand. Like Demonica said, tell her that you don't want this to come between you two, and it won't on your part anyway.

bambi
05-27-2009, 10:23 AM
Crycket, I think most people have covered really good answers. Parties, emotional support, etc. You could always be there via Skype. :teehee: And, given time, she might change her mind about where she wants to get married.

She may be your best friend, but don't let her pressure you into doing something that you are uncomfortable with from so many angles. Do what feels right to you, not her.

Bambi

Crycket
05-27-2009, 03:48 PM
Does she think the wedding will have to be fancier if she has it at home, but she can do a really small (and cheaper) wedding if she does a destination wedding?

I really am not sure...I remember her telling me a long time ago that she wanted a cruise ship wedding...long before she even met her fiancee. So I really don't know...


I think you need to tell her everything you told us. You need to say that you don't feel comfortable flying, or being in the heat and despite that you can't afford it and don't feel comfortable taking other people's money. Tell her that you want to be there just as much as she wants you there, but you just can't do the things she wants to do.
If she really truly does want you there, she will figure out an alternative wedding plan. If this is her dream and she is determined to do it, you might have to sit this one out.

lol...we actually did talk about all of this...before I even posted this thread. I just have an unusally low threshold for guilt trips. She is sooo excited, and will likely have so few ppl there...that wanting to have me there makes it all the more special...and the fact that I just don't think it would be a good idea makes it all the more worse that I have to turn it down...

She combats each of the things I say...I don't like planes, that shouldn't matter cause it is her special day, and she was there for mine...

I get heat sick, she says that it is just special circumstances that I had gotten ill the last 5 times I had spent any time in the heat (she was with me almost each of these times, and 3 out of 5 of them I was in my Hermione/Hogwarts garb for girl guide camps. The arguement could be made that it was because I was wearing a wig, and not drinking enough...that I was getting these symptoms, and tossing my guts out...but I have had two other times where I wasn't in any of that...and I was still having problems...I really just don't do well in the heat....I wilt, and even with lots of water, I still don't get enough to not dehydrate!)

She says if money is the only thing stopping me, her parents will help us out...

She doesn't yet know that DH can't handle boats....

She even made the suggestion that if the heat was too much I could stay on the boat...it didn't strike me til later...that really...that kinda defeats the purpose of being in the caribbean to begin with...

Is she asking you to be her matron of honor or just a guest at the wedding? I would think that comes into play with your decision making. I must admit that I am not a fan of the "destination wedding" as I think it puts too much financial pressure on your guests.

I don't think she has thought that far ahead yet...but she had said (cause I asked about brides maid dresses) I can wear whatever I want, cause I would be the only bridesmaid there...so I guess that is to say, I would be the matron of honour...

I have no problem performing the duties (holding the shower etc) but I just don't think I can be there...

Yeah...I don't know...I just think it is a little too much to ask for. Especially cause she knew a long time ago that I felt this way...now she is just using her excitement and peer pressure to get me there....and I really don't feel comfortable with it....

*sigh*

vaknitter
05-27-2009, 04:21 PM
In the end you have to do what you are comfortable with, but if it were me and my best friend, I would fly to the moon to see her married.
Fact of the matter is that your friend is facing her own mortality and battling breast cancer - I just went through this with my mother and even beyond the physical effects of hair loss and surgery, the emotional and mental effects are dramatic. Don't let her wedding drive you apart. Tell her that you are incredibly happy for her and that you will think about it and see where you stand financially once they set a date and are looking at booking it etc.
$2000/per person seems horribly expensive for a Caribbean cruise. Most of them the hubby and I have looked at are around $500/per person for 5nights. In the case of a destination wedding I don't think it is unusual for the brides family to bear some of the expenses for a small number of guests. Cruises are a lot of fun and while at sea you shouldn't feel too hot - there are nice ocean breezes. Once on land you don't have to be out all day everyday. Go out and play in the water and have some fun and then go back inside for a nap. They make ear patches for sea sickness and HUGE cruise ships are not like being on a little fishing boat that rocks and rolls on the waves. Same thing for flying - a little anti-anxiety pill.
Just my two cents

Simply_Renee
05-27-2009, 07:50 PM
That is a tough situation. I don't think it's fair that she's pressuring you and your reasons for not wanting to go are compelling. (but you really might have a great time- you never know!) Here's what I will ask you- say you decide not to go...

If she dies in a year- will you forgive yourself for not being there- or will you be OK with the decision not to go? Think about the decision like it's already made both ways and what your long term feelings will be. You don't want to be kicking yourself later. Do whatever will put you the most at peace. If she loves you, she should understand either way.

Crycket
05-27-2009, 11:47 PM
I am thinking she has a rather bright future...rather...the prognosis seems good...caught early and dealt with very radically with surgery...I have confindance in the technology and doctors.
I am not feeling pressure from her illness. At least not consciously.

That does pose some interesting questions though. I told her for now that there is time to decide, and that I am not going to say yes or no until the time comes...and even with all this time, I still feel like I need to make a decision now....

Anything can change in a year right? I may just be ok with the idea in a year...right?

Mirl56
05-29-2009, 12:49 PM
She may come to her senses when she realizes just how many people won't be able go due to the expense - $2,000 a person, that right there will stop many from attending.

Luvmyrottnboy
05-29-2009, 01:49 PM
My best friend had breast cancer 2X.

The second time was very scary, it was an aggressive tumor and the treatment was much more aggressive also.

Even when she appeared to "be OK" she was very, very different and very, very demanding. Extremely unreasonable.

I can't even imagine what she was going through. Even though I was with her every step of the way and went to every single chemo treatment and Dr, appt., she was off the charts in her behavior.

I went to counseling and the counselor advised that her behavior was disease driven (heck I knew THAT) but I should not allow her to abuse me. People fighting such a scary disease cannot empathize.

What I did was just ignore it. I did not react anymore, I did not try to argue or convince her...I just never left her side. Once she completed her treatments and she started feeling better she became her old self.

My advice is you already told her YOUR feelings and they are valid. She is unable to empathize so just tell her you will think about it. This is happening in a future distant enough that it should suffice for now anyway.

Plantgoddess+
05-29-2009, 04:31 PM
As you said it's a ways out in the future. I wouldn't give a definitive no yet. She may change her mind and it also gives you time to save money if she doesn't. I am usually glad when I go out of my comfort zone for a friend or family and don't normally have a bad time as I feared and usually have a pretty good time as well as the memories.

Crycket
05-30-2009, 12:00 AM
Even when she appeared to "be OK" she was very, very different and very, very demanding. Extremely unreasonable.



It is funny you say this...

When her and I first met, it was cause of Girl Guides...we were Brownie leaders together...

One of our girls not only had been though cancer, but her mom was swiftly declining with cancer as well.

Rebecca at the end of the year decided to call ALL the parents and just let them know how close their girl was to having badges that we had mostly completed over the year...nothing pressuring...just a little "hey, look how close you got! You could get 5 badges just by doing..." Well...when she finally got to this one mother, she went ape on Rebecca...telling her how horrible it was to call so close to the end of the year, and all the stuff that there was no time for, etc etc etc. Basically tore her the proverbial "new one". Poor Rebecca came to me practically in tears, proclaiming that she thought she was offering a friendly service...and that she didn't mean it to sound like anything bad...

I explained to her that this mother was under a lot of health stress and that it was nothing personal. Just that she had lots on her mind, and Rebecca just called at the wrong time...

Shortly later that mother died...

That memory has never left me...and I am sure it has not left Rebecca. She is surprizingly lvl headed about all of this...she has done A LOT of growing up in the last few weeks since finding out about her cancer....

FreeSpirit
06-08-2009, 06:01 PM
Are you very sure this person is really your friend? Because a friend would understand your limitations and not insist on you doing something that would be very uncomfortable. A friend would accept your answers and not keep asking. I get sick on anything that moves and I can't take extreme heat either, so I understand where you're coming from.

Crycket
06-25-2009, 08:44 PM
ok...the most recent discussion went like this

Me "but do keep in mind I asked you for one day, you are asking me to take a vacation"

Her "*shrug* I never asked you to change your plans to make me happy...I don't even care if I was 'happy' cause it was your day."

You know...she is just laying on the guilt trip....

bailsmom
06-27-2009, 11:28 AM
ok...the most recent discussion went like this

Me "but do keep in mind I asked you for one day, you are asking me to take a vacation"

Her "*shrug* I never asked you to change your plans to make me happy...I don't even care if I was 'happy' cause it was your day."....

Geez, you know, just cause you have cancer or any other disease doesn't give you the right to act the way she's acting. Again, your wedding was one day, her's - more than a day. So her response doesn't even belong in the conversation. There's no comparison. I'm sorry she's being this way. I wish I could tell you what I'd say to her, but I don't think it would come across very nice.

I guess in the end if you don't want to go, then don't go. (I know, easier for me to say) I think it's wrong for someone to ask you to spend that much money for their wedding. And then when you tell her you can't afford it she responds that way. Isn't it the bride or grooms responsibility to see that out of town guests don't have to pay for the trip? Or am I still living in the 'old days'?

Jan in CA
06-27-2009, 01:44 PM
Wow. There was nothing wrong with her asking, but her attitude now is incredibly selfish. Not much of a friend IMO.

My daughter's best friend from HS that she is still good friends with is getting married in Hawaii in September. My daughter lives in DC. She told my daughter that while she really wanted her there she would completely understand if she couldn't afford it or couldn't make it. That's a true friend.

Crycket
06-28-2009, 09:50 AM
Yeah...it really has become a guilt mechinizism. Sort of a "well I came to your wedding, so if you don't come to mine, then you aren't a good friend" type of deal.

Most of my friends I have talked to say it is too much to ask. But I was talking to one friend (mutual to both of us) that made me feel really small.

She said I had a tone of someone who was just making excuses, and that friendship and showing you care sometimes requires you to get out of your comfort zone. She also went on to say that my fears, although valid, can't be anything in comparison to "facing my own mortality" and going through what she is going through.

Again...It made me feel kinda petty....my response about the cancer thing was "I am not giving her any 'special' treatment. I am not going to treat her like a dying person" (which she is doing really well...I am sure she will get out of this with flying colours! not that I don't see the realness of the situation...I do!)

What started as a simple request seems to be turning into a brow beating contest. The more pressure that gets put on the situation, the more I want to run from it.

I asked a simple question...would she consider having the ceremony at home, and the honeymoon on a cruise, she said no (which is fair, it is her wedding) as she didn't want to many ppl there, which immediatly turned into "which is tantamount to your not wanting to come, right?"

So here it stands, I am an insensitive selfish jerk who won't even make an effort to think about coming to her wedding. But really....beyond saying "I would really like to be there, but I find the arrangements really really really out of my comfort zone. I won't say yes or no right now, cause time can change things" be anymore honest/effort making? I have even said "I will be at the shower, help you pick out the dress....knit you a shall (and boob) to match your dress and be there to throw you a party when you get back" how much more can you be there for someone? *sigh*

Maybe I am an insensitive heartless selfish jerk!

HollyP
06-28-2009, 10:16 AM
You are not an insensitive heartless selfish jerk!! If you were you wouldn't be worrying about all of it. It is very selfish of anyone to expect guest to pay $2000 to attend a wedding. My $.02 is tell her you would rather not talk about your attending for awhile. You obviously don't agree , maybe between now and then something will change. I really hope something can be worked out!
Big hugs!!!!

bailsmom
06-28-2009, 10:46 AM
Yeah...it really has become a guilt mechinizism. Sort of a "well I came to your wedding, so if you don't come to mine, then you aren't a good friend" type of deal.

Most of my friends I have talked to say it is too much to ask. But I was talking to one friend (mutual to both of us) that made me feel really small......

Isn't it funny (not ha ha funny) how you can ask 10 (I'm picking a number here) people the same question and 9 agree with you and the 1 who doesn't, that's the one we focus on?!! I do it all the time too, so don't feel bad. But in reality, she's asking too much and not being nice about it. 9 out of 10 people agree with you and it boils down to what your gut is telling you to do, even if your heart doesn't agree.

Go with your gut, it's never wrong.

Crycket
06-28-2009, 11:29 AM
It is so true...

And I am easily guilted. I feel bad if I am being a "bad friend" whether the accusations are true or not...

The big problem is I feel angry for being put on the spot, and upset for feeling the way I do...it is a vicious circle really...

I think you have a good point there Bailsmom....leave it alone...

in the mean time I can look into what kind of medication might help with getting on a plane and being away from home...

At least that might be a fair showing that I am trying... *shrugs*

Thank you for making me feel like this isn't all my fault!

Crycket
07-07-2009, 11:46 PM
Ok...

She started the convo AGAIN *sigh*

I told her that we should not worry about it now...and she said
"This IS the time to talk about it..." She wants to get married NEXT Dec....

I asked her to confirm what the $2000 was for (does it include travel, is it per person, or for both me and my husband...)

Apparently it is per person, without travel!

She didn't say anything when I said it was a bit steep

*bangs her head on the wall*

I feel backed into a corner...

If I tell her no...she is going to pout and kick and scream and throw an adult tantrum...

If I go...and succum to her will..I am becoming bitter, and resentful!


*cries*

auntcrafty
07-08-2009, 01:47 AM
December 2010?

What would happen if you told you need at least 2 weeks to do some research -- costs of flights, cruise, bridal gear, etc. -- and to talk to your DH without her asking you again. If she asks again, it will be an automatic "no". The least she could do is give you time to research the actual costs involved from your end.

The pressure tactics are too much and not very kind of her. How many other people have said they will definitely do this for them?

Crycket
07-08-2009, 08:23 AM
December 2010?

What would happen if you told you need at least 2 weeks to do some research -- costs of flights, cruise, bridal gear, etc. -- and to talk to your DH without her asking you again. If she asks again, it will be an automatic "no". The least she could do is give you time to research the actual costs involved from your end.

The pressure tactics are too much and not very kind of her. How many other people have said they will definitely do this for them?

Ha....funny you say this...that is exactly what I said to her...I said
(as per discussed above) Lets not talk about this now, there is lots of time, and a lot of unknowns....

She doesn't want to talk to my DH about it....it will end very badly! She is super sensitive with the emotional limit of a two year old. DH has absolutly NO tact and will lay every thing out as it is, with not a hint of caring in his voice which will send her into a tailspin. He wants to talk to her though...cause he sees what it is doing to me...

I don't know....the answer seems simple....tell her no...

My way of dealing with it all, is to lay it out to her and tell her how I am feeling. This was my way of saying no with out saying no. I have now been told twice that my method results in my sounding like I am just making up a bunch of excuses.

Even she is just going on like a plane is no big deal. It can be overcomed...She thinks, that I should want to be there no matter what. PPl keep going on about how safe planes are. The point is not how safe it is...it is about there being NO ESCAPE. For the same reason I can't be in a crowd, it is the feeling of not being able to escape.

I told her a lot of things this last talk...like I would be saying the same thing to my sister, or best friend....like I would rather be honest and upfront with you and say I don't know if I can go, rather than nodding my head and saying I will be there, when there is a chance I might not. Both things she had no answer for...

I also told her that I am so happy for her! That just because I am not open to going away, doesn't mean I do care just as much. etc..

I don't know...she is just as frustraited with me as I am with her...she is just of the mind that if you are my friend, you would do this for me, no matter how uncomfortable you are....

Yes though....it is going to be a huge expense, and it is funny, when I talk to her, it is the last thing on my mind cause I am so paranoid about every thing else. I have even said I will go see my doc and see about meds...but yes...the money thing will remain an issue too...unfortunatly...it will sound like more of an excuse!

It seems like I keep beating the same horse everytime I bring it up...and we are both at our wits end...

I feel like I am backed into a corner with no way out...and it is trapping me in my own head...the options are "go" or "disappoint her beyond the earth moon and skies" She has waited so long, and I don't want to disappoint her...however she acts like a wounded puppy everytime I try to tell her. And it seems that for all my "excuses" that anything else I have to say on the matter would just be another "excuse"

If I have DH talk to her...that might be the end of the friendship...but it might be the only way out of it...I don't know....

(for the record, her and DH used to date, in fact she was the one that introduced us....they broke up for a good reason! *smiles*)


:wall:

:hair:

:gah:

PamJ
07-08-2009, 09:22 AM
I feel so badly for you. It's hard to understand your friend's reasoning and the frantic pressure she's put on you. In my opinion, it's an over-the-top request. She has the option of having a small, even private, ceremony at home before leaving on the cruise. Who has to know but those she chooses to invite? Or she can invite everyone and not buy into the huge party aspect--keep it simple like weddings used to be. Everyone is aware that she is having the ceremony there so they can share it. Either way, anyone she truly wants to be with her can attend without so much stress and pressure.

She's backing you into making a decision sooner than is necessary--just to end all these discussions and give you some peace. It will be sad if she thinks it ends the "friendship," but telling too. If she's your friend, even if she gets really mad, she'll be back.

I hope this resolves soon, for your sake.

Jan in CA
07-08-2009, 11:17 AM
Medication to survive the long flight, a/c to survive the heat, anger and resentment for your "friend" who is putting you through this, and $5000+ to foot the bill for all that... really??

Maybe it's my age, but I'd sit her down and tell her that you know this is important to her, but what she is doing to you her best friend is insulting and insensitive. Weddings last a few hours, friendship should last a lifetime. This girl needs to grow up and stop being bridezilla. :hair:

Crycket
07-08-2009, 05:56 PM
Ok...

I think I have elivated some stress here...

I decided I was in too much stress to carry on this way...every time we have/had this conversation....

So I called her up and said, we have to hit this straight on....cause we are both getting unnessissarily upset...and I am talking to everyone but you about it...!

In the end, I told her it was a lot of money...

I said "setting EVERYTHING else aside...it is a lot of money."

She said that they would be able to help out, and I said, that DH was only willing to spend about $1000. She said that we probably couldn't get anywhere on that, but seemed to accept that.

In the end, I said that we really can't make any final decisions until she has more answers. I said I am willing to do some leg work on what we can do to get there...but she needs to find an actual cost, and we can talk about it then.

After what was a somewhat awkward, and difficult 1 hour convo, I think we did get some things cleared up...and I think we both felt better about it...

At least for now....

I think she now understands that it is a big finacial overload...but I think she now feels that I would make an effort to go...even if in the end I can't afford it...

*sigh*

Tough talk...but totally worth it for my Mental health!

Jan in CA
07-08-2009, 06:23 PM
:thumbsup: Good for you, it's a good start!

PamJ
07-08-2009, 11:35 PM
That's so good. I was worried about you. It has to mean a lot to her that you do want to be with her and will see if there is a way to do it. You're so right, though...it really is a lot of money.

Crycket
07-09-2009, 12:16 AM
I am wondering if she was just totally blocking on the money issue before, cause she seemed to think that it was a lot of money when we were talking...

Sort of like she was hearing it for the first time....even though I know it wasn't

I am not sure if this good vibe will last *please let it last* but man...it really did relieve a lot of tension...

Thanks for the concern...I totally felt like a rock and a hard place there. I mean...what do you do? For me, even if she was/is being unreasonable, or a bad friend, it doesn't mean I want to hurt her feelings...and I am glad we sort of at least skirted the issue!

Now...she mentioned (jokingly) wanting to Elope...I told her she really should (based on my wedding dramas)...that would make my life perfect!

Heres hoping!

PamJ
07-09-2009, 08:41 AM
That's true progress when you start laughing about it together! It will all work out in time. You're a good friend.

cacunn
07-09-2009, 09:34 AM
Crycket I can think of nothing worst than guilt-mail (black mail based on guilt) from a friend or loved one. If that is the only way to get someone to do what you want there is a problem with the request.

You seem to be working this out and keep talking to her hopefully you can remain friends.

A few thoughts came to mind as I read this.

Rather than fly could you take a train or as a lower choice a bus. I don't know what port the cruise leaves from but I assume the East Cost of the US. There is Amtrak service from Toronto to New York and from New York to Washington, DC, Charleston, Savannah, Jacksonville, Orlando, Tampa/Miami. This could get you most of the way with out flying. Rent a car in Orlando and drive to Miami (assuming this is the port the cruise leave from). Yes the train may take a couple of days versus a couple of hours by plane. But these days would be relaxing with your new husband watching the scenery and knitting.

As for your dear husband, if his problem with boats is sea sickness, have him talk to his doctor, there is a patch that is supposed to be very good for sea sickness. Put it on a few days before leaving and it works for the length of the cruise.

Please know that I do not disagree with your position! If I heard my bride to be talking to her best friend like this before my wedding (I'm been married for 31 years) I would have become very angry and had a long talk with her.

You must do what is right for you and your husband, once that is decided don't look back or second guess.

Crycket
07-09-2009, 10:13 AM
LOL....guilt-mail....

It is so true!

I think no matter what...in the end, it will be too much money...and I was hoping that I left her with that impression...

Does that sound horrible? To tell her that I will do everything I can to see if I can go, but, know all the while that I probably won't be there....

DH is pretty firm....we won't spend more than $1000 total. And I am sure, no matter how you slice it, there is going to be no way we can get down there on that! DH also won't take any of her S*&t....but if there is an option...I don't even want to be a fly in the room for that convo!

Thank you too...we were trying to think of the name of the American train company....

She had opened up the last frustraiting convo with "well you wouldn't even come if we got married in Edmonton" (a few provinces over) because we would still have to fly to get in there...

I said "no, I could take a train"

She said,"a train would take a week, and cost just as much as the plane"

I said "no, my mom used to visit her dad in British Columbia (one province further over) and go for a March Break or so, there is no way it took a week!"

So we looked it up...it takes 2 days...No Problem...so I mention this and she says "Oh I give up, it isn't even an option, I just wanted to point out that you wouldn't come either way!"

I said the Edmonton trip would be so much better, I don't have to leave the country, It won't be hot, it can be reached easily by train, would not require me to be there for a full week, and even if it did, DH has family out there to visit (not to mention the worlds biggest mall is out there too!)

*sigh*...but again....that was before the "lets talk this out" convo!

She did tell me I can't live my life in a box though (in a nice way) and I said "yes I can!"....

cacunn
07-09-2009, 10:34 AM
I forgot the heat issue. There is a product that uses absorbent crystals and cools by evaporation. Soak it in water and wear around the back of the next. As the blood flows to the head and back again the evaporation cools the blood and the rest of you.

One maker of these bandannas (http://www.tasco-safety.com/hhats/hhats06.html) is here.

Soak the bandanna in a bowl of water until the crystals absorb the water, pull out and let it sit on a towel a few minutes to let the surface water to run off. Put around your neck and enjoy. I find they do work and if surface water is allowed to run off it does not drip.

If you have a couple one can be on you neck, one in the bowl for the next use and one just in case.

Crycket
07-09-2009, 11:37 AM
I think I have heard of those before....it sounds familiar...thanks for the reminder...