PDA

View Full Version : MIL rant


KnitWit1987
06-02-2009, 04:14 PM
I really hate to even gripe about this, but my feelings are hurt and I know you all are understanding :hug: My husband has always been a mama's boy, which was fine until I got pregnant. His parents live a few states away so I have only been around them for short periods of time 3-4 time and I do like them a lot they are really nice. I am not very comfortable with them just because I havent spent much time with them.

Like all first time moms, I have certain things I want, like the babies room decorated with matching crib bedding ect. My husband KNOWS this, knows everything I want and has agreed to it. Today he was talking to his mom and she tells him she got crib bedding on sale so you dont need that, and telling him all this stuff shes gotten. Maybe its just pregnancy hormones but I am PISSED beyond explanation.. umm helloo isnt crib bedding something you consult with the mom about?? Also, we are going next week to sign up for baby registeries for that exact purpose.. so his family can contribute that way. Dont I have the right to say I want the room all in winnie the pooh or whatever?? When hubby got off the phone he looked at me and knew right away.. I told him my feelings are really hurt that she wouldnt ask what I wanted and he basically said I am overeacting.. maybe I am.

Then apparently he planned for us to go visit them for a couple week in december.. the baby is due in october.. so he plans a vacation with a 1 1/2 to 2 month old baby without consulting me.. nice huh? I am really not trying to be a b****. I am not asking for anything. I would rather them get us nothing at all. We have enough money to buy everything, and I know she is just trying to help, I apreciate that but I feel like she is over stepping her bounderies. Reading over this again, maybe its more hubbys fault than his moms? :hair: Please tell me how you guys feel about this.. if you tell me im overeacting I wont be mad.. I need to know. Thanks :hug:

Jan in CA
06-02-2009, 04:37 PM
Hormones have a funny way of making us more emotional about certain things than we might normally be. It's not wrong or bad it just is what it is. :hug:

Should she have asked about it? That certainly would have been the right thing to do, but I suspect her heart was in the right place and she's just excited.

So based on that... remember that she's two states away and won't even see the bedding very often. You can always put it on when she visits. PLUS... as a mother of two now grown daughters I can tell you that sometimes extra bedding is a godsend. Babies have a way of wetting, spitting up, and pooping repeatedly and it isn't always on the diaper or burp cloth. You may very well need an extra set. At 2 am you really aren't going to care if it's Winnie the Pooh or Godzilla. Seriously.

So my advice is to thank her and let it go. You don't need the extra stress now.

As for the trip..that wasn't very thoughtful of DH to plan w/o your input, but it's a ways off and he may change his mind when he sees how much work a baby is. Just tell him 'well see how it goes' or something.

:hug:

Puddinpop
06-02-2009, 05:48 PM
You can always use extra bedding. You go pick out what you want. I don't think they mean anything by it, you MIL or husband. I wanted certain things my way when I had my child and you are entitled. Some people don't feel that way and that's o.k., also. If it keeps happening you can tell them in a nice way that this is so special to you and you want to really enjoy this time by picking out certain things for your baby and doing things a certain way.

Debkcs
06-02-2009, 07:29 PM
At 2 am you really aren't going to care if it's Winnie the Pooh or Godzilla. Seriously

:mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen:

Jan, you are so right!

I can understand why you're upset, I would be also. But, wanting to be part of the excitement when our first grandchild was born, I understand her point too. Like Jan said, you can always switch the stuff out.

hookedonknitting
06-02-2009, 09:18 PM
I had these thoughts too when setting up my babies room, But boy am I ever glad for the mismatched ones we were given!! Boy can babies make a mess of things and like jaJ said in the middle of the night you don't care what your putting on the bed after ripping off the soiled ones!! And besides that- babies will stain almost all of your favorite things so don't get too attached- it is just stuff that will only be used for a short time anyway. But listen to Jan she has it right all the way! Good luck!

saracidaltendencies
06-02-2009, 10:09 PM
I agree with Jan...And seriously, with babies, you can never have enough bedding...LOL!

When my MIL found out I was pregnant with my first baby, she decided to get us a bunch of stuff....from a garage sale....I, of course, thanked her, but, out of all the toys and clothes and such, the only thing I ever ended up using were the crib sheets...lol...And we did have bedding already...We had the bumper pads and matching sheets, the works! But, I swear to you, when you wake up at like 3 in the morning and find your baby has spit up or has a leaky diaper, you'll be soo thankful you have extra sheets!

And yes, pregnancy hormones are CRAZY! Things that may have never bothered you before you were pregnant can drive you insane while pregnant!

Also, I think most grandparents (or soon to be grandparents) love shopping for kids...I know with my grandma, she loves buying us things (and her great-grandchildren) because she hasn't had kids of her own at home in years. She has fun buying for little ones, picking out baby clothes and toys because it has been so long since she was able to do that.

Honestly, I think you should just thank your MIL and let it be. I truly don't think she was trying to cause a problem, I really believe she's just caught up in the excitement of a new baby. Even if the bedding she bought is used in "emergency" situations only (like waking up at 3 am...lol) I promise you, you'll be glad to have the extra sheets. Crib sheets are one of those baby items you can never have enough of!

KnitWit1987
06-02-2009, 11:05 PM
:hug: Thanks everyone I really appreciate it. I knew it was just hormones and I am totally over it now :aww: I think I am just overwhelmed right now. I don't want to seem like I dont appreciate her helping, because I really do. after thinking about it, it wasn't the crib bedding at all, it was the fact that hubby and his mom seem to be planning out everything without even talking to me. Anyway, maybe I need to spend more time knitting and less time sweating the small stuff! Thanks everyone :muah:

kellyh57
06-02-2009, 11:30 PM
Maybe she can set up a crib at her house for the times you do visit and you can use it there. Maybe you'll fall in love with it? I'd wait and see if you like it before you get too upset. :)

Abbily
06-03-2009, 12:29 PM
I think you're right- she did overstep her boundaries a bit, and hubby should probably say something like, "thanks for helping out with that, how nice! We're going to register next week so you won't have to wonder which things we have in mind for the nursery." Her heart is in the right place, she's just excited, and everyone else is right- having extra bedding can be really helpful! But I would still want to gently point out that you'd like to make those decisions yourself, just so it doesn't happen over and over and you build up resentment about it.

As for the trip- I think your DH WAY overstepped his bounds planning any kind of trip without consulting with you! Regardless of the age of the baby at the time- you get a say in where your body goes. I also agree that traveling with a very young infant can be really difficult- and you'll still be suffering from sleep deprivation and hormonal stuff at that point! I would definitely have a talk with him about that. Again, I'm sure his heart is in the right place, but that's not cool.

Congratulations on impending motherhood! :)

Mirl56
06-03-2009, 03:05 PM
I won't mention the bedding as you're over that now.

But as to the trip, boy, yes, I'd be upset with DH too. Will you be staying at your in-laws home? it could turn out to be a good thing - they will want as much baby-time as they can get while you're there so you'll be able to catch up on sleep, etc.

mwhite
06-03-2009, 09:04 PM
I won't mention the bedding as you're over that now.

But as to the trip, boy, yes, I'd be upset with DH too. Will you be staying at your in-laws home? it could turn out to be a good thing - they will want as much baby-time as they can get while you're there so you'll be able to catch up on sleep, etc.


This is so very true and you'll see just what this means when the time comes. Just enjoy your pregnancy and remember, God gave us this ability....USE IT, BABY!!! LOL! :teehee:

And: CONGRATULATIONS!!!
:cheering: :cheering: :muah: :muah: :hug: :hug: :woot: :woohoo:

KnitWit1987
06-03-2009, 11:06 PM
I won't mention the bedding as you're over that now.

But as to the trip, boy, yes, I'd be upset with DH too. Will you be staying at your in-laws home? it could turn out to be a good thing - they will want as much baby-time as they can get while you're there so you'll be able to catch up on sleep, etc.
Yes, we would be staying at his parents house so that will maybe give me a break. Also, his mom is coming to stay with us for a few weeks when the baby is born. Hubby gets 12 weeks off work when the baby is born - which is really really nice. He doesn't understand how much work a baby is because he has never been around any babies and he is really looking at it as a vacation and not as a time for us to get used to being parents. I don't really want to burst his bubble just yet LOL I will give him 4 more months before reality hits!

GinnyG
06-04-2009, 08:01 AM
I agree with the others, you can never have too much bedding. Tuck it away and save it for emergencies. Yes, it was out of line for her to assume she should pick out the bedding but try to assume positive intent and know that because she lives a distance away you really can use whatever bedding you want.

I would register as soon as possible so that she at least has the option of knowing what you want.

As a first time Grandmother myself I know how exciting it is go shopping for baby stuff. I have tried to follow my DIL's register but I know there are things I have gotten she doesn't like. She doesn't care at all for my hand knitted items and right after my granddaughter was born I sent her a huge box of April Cornell dresses (a designer that is "big" here). She didn't like them and the baby has never worn a single one (they were quite expensive). I've tried not to be hurt and to realize that every new parent has the right to make their own choices. But I sometimes wish she would pretend to like the things I send, they live several states away so I would never really know they they didn't.

So I guess I'm trying to say look at it from your MIL's perspective, she is excited and wants to do something. This will not be the first time your opinions differ, the bottom line is it's your family and your choice.

As far as the trip goes, I would put your foot down NOW. If they are coming for a "few" weeks after baby is born it's not like they won't have seen the baby. Plan the trip for when you feel ready.

cftwo
06-04-2009, 02:12 PM
I, too, would give on the bedding (babies are very messy), but suggest that it might be better to wait to take the baby on a trip. My sister moved (!) when her youngest was about a month old, and that was about the earliest she could have traveled with the baby (based on doctor's recommendations). Granted, newborns have survived worse trips than you'll be making (covered wagons, etc.), but perhaps you could suggest that you should wait and see on the trip - perhaps agree to plan a trip when the baby is sleeping through the night.* As GinnyG says, it's not like the grandparents would not have seen the baby.


*Felt I should add a footnote. Some babies sleep through the night at 6 weeks. Others take much longer to reach that point.

bambi
06-04-2009, 03:52 PM
At this point, I think everyone has said the important things but I know how rough it can be trying to be nice to someone else's mother. After 5 years, I'm finally begining to get used to my MIL. :aww:

Saving the bedding as spares or using it at their house makes lots of sense. Maybe she'll go out and buy a crib to put at her house which would be of value.

As far as the trip goes, discuss it with DH. You may find that you are tired of being in your house after 6 weeks and want to get out. Use the time as date night and let your in laws take the baby and go see a movie or go out to dinner. Believe me, as a first time mom myself, I didn't really want anyone else taking care of my daughter for several years but now I wish we had found a dependable baby sitter when DD was smaller. We almost never get a date night anymore!!!!

No offense to grandmothers but I found that while my child was still tiny, I had to do most of the work anyway, with breastfeeding and all that stuff. That went for mom or MIL.

Register sooner than later if you are particular about the stuff you get but I got very little from my registry list. People picked out cute stuff and gave it to me, mostly clothes and little blankies. Fortunately or unfortunately, I'm not particular about decorating and it didn't matter that much to me.

Take care and it probably is partly hormonal but you do want to be involved with plans for your own baby. Nothing wrong with that!

Bambi

FreeSpirit
06-08-2009, 05:53 PM
I married a mama's boy too, only his mother lived in the same town. My husband only rarely stood up to his mother, he was scared of her (as were his siblings). They used to joke about whose turn it was to be the "child of the week." If MIL was mad at someone, she simply wouldn't speak to them. When the "punishment" had gone on long enough, she would speak to them again. Looking back from a perspective of many years, her behavior was really quite childish.

I don't think you are overreacting, it's your child, your nursery, your choice of how to furnish it. But over the years I have learned how important it is to keep the family peace. You might consider accepting her gifts and stashing them in a closet if you don't want to use them. I was like a leaky faucet when I was pregnant. Everything upset me and my husband wasn't very sympathetic. I deeply resented his mother's dependence on him and his inability to just say no. She didn't drive, so he took her wherever she needed to go. This cut into our time together; we were still newlyweds.

MIL didn't insist on buying us baby things; she couldn't afford to do that. But she managed to ridicule everything I said and did. She laughed at the child safety plug-ins I bought for the outlets, she said she'd raised five children and no one was ever electrocuted. Same thing when I removed all the household cleansers from under the sink, SHE never did that.

When our baby was a couple of months old, MIL told us to be at the local park very early on a Sunday to reserve a covered shelter for the family picnic. That was one time when I said NO, we were not getting up at the crack of dawn and sitting in a picnic shelter for five hours. By the time everyone got there, the covered tables were gone and we had to sit in the broiling sun. Naturally it was all my fault, especially when a sudden rain drenched everything. I still remembered how icky the potato salad looked with an inch of rainwater in it. But you know what, I didn't care. Once I was a mother, I discovered a strength I didn't know I possessed.

Abbily
06-09-2009, 11:57 AM
Once I was a mother, I discovered a strength I didn't know I possessed.

AMEN! It may be hard to imagine now, but you'll find the strength to be mama bear too, when you need it. Hang in there! :)

ArtLady1981
06-14-2009, 09:49 AM
Hormones have a funny way of making us more emotional about certain things than we might normally be. It's not wrong or bad it just is what it is. :hug:

Should she have asked about it? That certainly would have been the right thing to do, but I suspect her heart was in the right place and she's just excited.

So based on that... remember that she's two states away and won't even see the bedding very often. You can always put it on when she visits. PLUS... as a mother of two now grown daughters I can tell you that sometimes extra bedding is a godsend. Babies have a way of wetting, spitting up, and pooping repeatedly and it isn't always on the diaper or burp cloth. You may very well need an extra set. At 2 am you really aren't going to care if it's Winnie the Pooh or Godzilla. Seriously.

So my advice is to thank her and let it go. You don't need the extra stress now.

As for the trip..that wasn't very thoughtful of DH to plan w/o your input, but it's a ways off and he may change his mind when he sees how much work a baby is. Just tell him 'well see how it goes' or something.

:hug:

I sooooo totally agree with EVERYTHING Jan said!

Exxxxactly! :thumbsup: She is right on!

Angieknits
06-14-2009, 01:09 PM
As someone ahead of me said.. you're over the crib bedding thing, but now on to the trip. I understand where everyone is coming from on the whole let your in laws take care of the wee one and rest. I agree, some one else to change the diapers or do the feedings so you can rest will be a Godsend. I wish my mom in law would have helped out a bit with my first one, now that I'm expecting my second one, I know I have the strength to do it on my own. But traveling might be hard on both you and your husband especially if neither of you have been sleeping well. Although if your husband can sleep through an earthquake (like mine has) you might not have to worry about that. I would just see what you both feel like when the time for the trip comes.

vaknitter
06-15-2009, 02:29 PM
I have nothing to add other than :hug: . We don't have kids but plan on it and I know that I will be in the very same boat. There are already toys, books, clothing etc accumulating in a closet at the in-laws and the grandbabies haven't even been conceived !