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Sweet_Thang
08-07-2009, 02:47 PM
I have not posted in ages; I guess because I have been so consumed with work, life and family. But I do lurk and read all the time when I do get a free moment.

I have had a rough month in that I lost my husband of 3 3/4 years unexpectedly. He passed in his sleep sometimes in the morning of the 12th. I arrived home from a girls weekend to find him gone. I am truly devastated as he was my best friend, my love and my hero.

The last few weeks have consisted of walking around in a fog, forcing myself to eat something and just trying to cope. I have had no desire to even pick up my needles and finish the blanket for my friends baby who is due any day now. I did take a class last Saturday but only because I had signed up for it earlier in June and had paid it in full. I could have cancelled, but when I signed up for it his words to me was "as long as you promise to not miss it because you want to take it and we paid for it".

I just don't have any desire for anything. I don't enjoy anything. I hardly watch any tv any more, and everyone knows I am a reality tv junkie.

will I ever get my passion back for my knitting? will I ever recover from the loss of the love of my life? I pray that I will, but now I just doubt.

I am getting a lot of support from family and friends; grief counseling and support group. but I just feel so alone. We never had kids and so it's just me and the dog and a big house that's full of our things.

My love was only 45 yrs old. I am 42. I never thought that I would be a widow at 42. It kills me that we still don't know what caused his death. The medical examiners office is slow, understaffed, underfunded and overloaded. it could be months before I ever find out. that's what hurts the most. Maybe if I knew what happened, I might could start to heal a little bit.


I am sorry, I just needed write all this out. I know what a supportive community you guys are and I just wanted to share.

Thanks,

lexie

Vertigo1414
08-07-2009, 03:29 PM
i am so beyond sorry to hear about your loss. i don't think there's anything other than time that will help. but i hope i'm wrong

Jan in CA
08-07-2009, 04:14 PM
Oh no, I am so sorry! I don't know what to say, but give you a hug. :hug::hug:

You will get your knitting mojo back and your interest in other things. It will just take time. Knitting can even help. Sometimes a focus on someone else can help so maybe chemo caps or making something for another charity will make you feel better a little at a time.

evona
08-07-2009, 04:17 PM
:hug: :hug: I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I would be devastated too. Your loss is very fresh and I think your reactions have been pretty normal. I wouldn't want to do much either. Mourning is a personal thing. Everyone mourns at some point in your life, but when you go through it you feel so alone. its important to remember that you are NOT alone!!

Its also important to allow yourself the time to absorb what has happened and experience the normal emotions of mourning so that you may go on with life. When my father passed I was only 24, I never thought I would lose my daddy. I was miserable - especially since I was a young single mother and he was a huge source of my emotional and financial support. One day I was speaking to a stranger at the gym. She knew nothing about my loss, but somehow we got on the topic of emotions. She said "You know. If you lose a loved one its normal to feel sad, angry, to cry and throw a fit. When we run into problems is when we don't or won't allow ourselves to feel those things because we think we're weak if we do. We should let them wash over us like a wave so that they can pass." Without knowing it she gave me the best advice I've ever received and it helped me through that very difficult time. If you fight the waves you drown. You have to let them come, experience them and then, most importantly, let them pass.

There may be a group that meets in your area for people who's spouses have passed. It might help to be around people who are feeling similar to you right now.

MoniDew
08-07-2009, 07:19 PM
I am so very sorry for your loss. :grphug:

There is nothing more that I can add to the words of comfort that have already been spoken. All I can do is agree with what has already been said.

Bless you, sweetheart. Time heals.

cdjack
08-07-2009, 07:36 PM
Bless your heart, Lexie. As the others have said, in time it will get better and you'll start to feel like yourself again. I lost my dad a couple of years ago. I was in shock and just kind of walked through life in a daze for awhile.

Jan's idea about charity knitting is a good one. I'm a member of the Southwest Oddball Charity Blanket group. You'll find our group under the Charity Forum. I think we will start up again in September.

:hug:

We are all here for you.

Debkcs
08-08-2009, 03:32 AM
Lexie, I'm so sorry for your loss, words aren't adequate.

My best advice, having gone through this myself, is just to let your emotions take their course.

dustinac
08-08-2009, 12:53 PM
:hug:I'm so sorry for your loss...you are in my prayers :hug:

knitfan
08-08-2009, 05:48 PM
I agree with evona's post. Eventhough a divorce is not a death, which is what I went through, it is still something that required a certain amount of grieving to get through. So even more so with the death of your dear husband. My counselor told me that you shouldn't try to block any emotions at this time, as you need to get the pain out and the best way is to let yourself cry or rant or whatever you need at that moment. It really really does help to go with your emotions and not put up a brave front.
My thoughts are with you at this terrible time of your life.

HollyP
08-09-2009, 07:52 PM
I am so very sorry for your loss! I won't even try to pretend I know what you are going through since mourning is so personal and individual to everyone. I do know from personal experience with loss that things will get better eventually. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers. :hug:

saracidaltendencies
08-10-2009, 01:55 AM
I am so very sorry for your loss. :hug: In time, I'm sure you'll feel the desire to once again do the things you enjoy but right now you have to let yourself cope in the best way you can. Small steps, one day at a time....only time will heal your wounds. Again, I am so incredibly sorry to hear this, I cannot even imagine how tough this is for you. :hug:

Sunshine's Mom
08-10-2009, 10:16 AM
I am so, so sorry for the loss of your wonderful man. I can't even begin to imagine your sorrow and heartache. All of my love and prayers and hope for the future are with you. :grphug: :heart:

melmac51
08-10-2009, 03:04 PM
I'm so very sorry for your loss. Can't even imagine how you must feel. I'll keep you in my prayers.

:hug: :hug:

ladyjessica
08-11-2009, 12:17 PM
I'm so sorry for your loss. I agree with everybody else - time does help, and eventually as you grieve and start healing you'll start doing the things you love again.

Just know that all of our thoughts and prayers are with you right now. :hug:

StellasKnits
08-11-2009, 12:44 PM
Oh my goodness...I'm so very sorry to hear of your loss. I don't think there are words to express when such a tragedy occurs. I like the idea of charity knitting during these times as well. My mom passed in January of this year and I've been a knitting fiend since then. It's been so therapeutic for me.

Might I suggest starting with a Prayer Shawl? There are tons of free patterns on the internet as well as some pattern books available. Prayer shawls are made to bring comfort to those in need and are prayed over while they are being knit and/or after at a church. Maybe you should be the first recipient of your work? They're such a comfort when you're feeling blue.

Hang in there.

:grphug:

lelvsdgs
08-15-2009, 10:41 PM
I know there are not words adequate enough to express how sorry I am for your loss. It is unimaginable to me what you are going through. Having lost my mother I know how hard it is to lose your best friend but to lose your husband when you both are so young has to be devestating.

You are in my thoughts and prayers and remember, time does heal. It will never take away the pain but it will allow you to get back to living. Give yourself time... and lean on those you love...

Bless you....:grphug:

Phaedra
08-16-2009, 11:43 AM
I'm so sorry for your loss. Your interest in knitting (and other things) will return when you are ready. Please keep in touch here (whether it's lurking or posting).

newamy
08-16-2009, 03:39 PM
Oh I am so sorry. Such a tough thing you are having to go through and deal with. I hope you will feel better in time as other's have said.

Don't worry about the knitting. Who ever the blanket was for will totally understand. But yet I can't help but think of what Elizabeth Zimmerman once said "Knit on with confidence through all crises." It might help to set the blanket aside, if you were working on it at the time of your husbands death it might make you sad. Getting the knitting mojo back might involve a new project, something you really enjoy, that satisfies and that you can work on while you work on grieving.