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koolbreeze
09-21-2005, 10:17 PM
ok say a good friend of yours asked you to be her matron of honor in her wedding. u say yes because u were under the empression that it would be close to where u live... but then it changed to be 2000 miles away. but you don'y say anything. now the friend knows your money is funny and u just had a baby and really don't want to...not that you said all this 2 her. so the date is in March, far away but close enough... ok at first u were looking forward to it because it is Cali and u haven't been there since u were a kid a want 2 go back. so your friend then puts a guilt trip on u saying she will do anything 2 get u there even of she goes broke doing it. so basically all u pay for is your dress (which is ugly BTW) so now u feel obligated... now you're annoyed with the whole idea and basically avoiding any corraspondance with your friend. plus your views on marriage aren't that great so you really aren't into supportin the whole marriage thing.
what would u do? :crying:

KellyK
09-21-2005, 10:29 PM
If she's payin for your ticket, Carmell darlin, you get your BE-HIND on that plane and be HAPPY about it! She's your friend and its HER marriage. YOU dont have to be happy about YOUR marriage, but if its gonna make HER happy, then that's all you need to know.

Love ya, btw! :heart: I dont scold very often, sweetie! :oops:

koolbreeze
09-21-2005, 10:35 PM
i don't want to go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! plus it is really a big burden on my whole famly not to mention my pocket. i have to take my son out of school. my husband would have to take of from work to stay home with the girls. i would have to leave my baby. yes, she would be paying for our tickets but i still have to pay for my dress and my son's rental.. hes the ring bearer. its just to much of a hassle.

InterNette
09-21-2005, 10:41 PM
I agree with Kellie. If something happened to your friend or your friendship how would that affect you? She must love you enough to want you to share in her big day.

LisaD715
09-21-2005, 10:41 PM
Wow... I say you have two choices....1.) You suck it up and go and be happy for your friend and share in her joy, and honor her deepest wishes to have you there, or 2.) you tell her how you feel and risk losing her friendship.

If it were me, I would go. Actually, I did it for my best friend. VERY Long story, but I felt she needed me. It was important to her, and I love her, so I went.

Carmell, you are her friend, she wants/needs you there, share her joy, no matter your opinion of marriage. Think of it as a few days without the kiddos....

brendajos
09-21-2005, 10:45 PM
i must say though that if you do take option 2 do it before she buys the ticket and the dress is ordered if you can. give her time to find someone else so she doesn't spend the money and someone else can get that dress fitted if possible.


i agree though...i know it is a huge burden but i would hope that she would do it for you if you wanted/needed her too.

koolbreeze
09-21-2005, 10:49 PM
see thats just it. its a little deeper for her than it isme. yeah shes cool and all, but i don't go out of my way to include her in my life. if she is around its because she basically puts herself there. and it has been like that for 6 years. my other friends understand this about me and have no problems waiting on me to INVITE them... not her though. i'm just not that type of person.and i sho do not like attention nor do i bring it apon myself and thats how she is. i DO NOT want to walk infron of 400 to 500 people. i just really don't want to do it. my husband has already said we can't afford it. o don't want her going broke over me when she is trying to start a new life with someone.

koolbreeze
09-21-2005, 10:52 PM
i must say though that if you do take option 2 do it before she buys the ticket and the dress is ordered if you can. give her time to find someone else so she doesn't spend the money and someone else can get that dress fitted if possible.


i agree though...i know it is a huge burden but i would hope that she would do it for you if you wanted/needed her too.

she has a MAID of HONOR TOO!!! she doesn't need me!
and if i knew the circumstance i wouyldn't ask someone to do that 4 me!

Ingrid
09-21-2005, 10:54 PM
Then be straight with her. Tell her that with four kids and an uncooperative husband, you just can't make the necessary arrangements to go away, and have money for childcare and all the other extras.

This will give her time to ask someone else, and you won't have to be stressed about it for the next 6 months. What happens after that, happens. She'll still get married, you won't have to spend a fortune for her to get married, and you won't cause further stress in YOUR marriage.

Plus, since you DO have four kids, what are the odds that one of them will get sick or something? How much more upsetting would it be for her to have you cancel last minute?

brendajos
09-21-2005, 10:56 PM
i must say though that if you do take option 2 do it before she buys the ticket and the dress is ordered if you can. give her time to find someone else so she doesn't spend the money and someone else can get that dress fitted if possible.


i agree though...i know it is a huge burden but i would hope that she would do it for you if you wanted/needed her too.

she has a MAID of HONOR TOO!!! she doesn't need me!
and if i knew the circumstance i wouyldn't ask someone to do that 4 me!


ummm.....you asked :rollseyes:

InterNette
09-21-2005, 10:58 PM
Kool it sounds like you already have your decision. You better just tell her so she can make other arrangements. All you have to ask yourself is are you willing to lose her friendship. It sounds like you can accept that.

When my friend wanted advice about having an affair, and I tried to talk about her making mistakes and being honest with her husband and so on, it turned out she didnt want advice , she wanted me to agree with her and tell her it was ok. Your the only one who knows if you can do this or not.

Vendie
09-21-2005, 11:01 PM
I have to agree with Ingrid on this one.

If it wasn't about the money, or having the family constraints, I would say do what you can to get there, but with all of this, I would just explain to her now, rather than later, that while you would love to (even if you wouldn't), it would be too huge of a burden.

koolbreeze
09-21-2005, 11:04 PM
Not yellin at you Brenda!! ;)

I think i need to make something clear... its not that my marriage isn't good or that my husband is bad ... personally i think i just jumped in to quick. and if i had to do it over again i would have wited longer! but Ingrid i agree with you. i don't know what my husband would do with 2 toddlers and a baby by himself!!! its hard enough for me and i do everyday. hes never had the kids alone for a period of time. i really just can't see myself leavin my girls for 4 days. and would any of you take your child out of school just to be in a wedding?

Ingrid
09-21-2005, 11:11 PM
That's another issue. What kind of example are you setting for your kids when you take your son out of school for someone else's wedding? Having worked in an elementary school, I know what the teachers think of taking kids out of school for vacations and such. Not good. You also give you son the message that school isn't as important as *fill in the blank*.

I think kids need to believe in their heart of hearts that school IS the most important thing, so that they will care enough to put in the effort. They need to get that "OMG I don't want to miss the bus!!!" kind of feeling.

koolbreeze
09-21-2005, 11:14 PM
Nette~ you're right i have made up my mind just not my heart. i can't bring myself to tell her. and its not like i just thought of this yesterday. i've been feeling this way for about a year. its just been stressin me this summer and its really getting to me now. i'll just have to suck it up and tell her. I HATE DOING THIS!!!!

InterNette
09-21-2005, 11:20 PM
Kool hugs to you, I know this is stressing you. Think about the last time you had to do something you dreaded, bet it went better than you thought and maybe you even chuckled afterwards about how much you worried for no reason. Maybe? We all have survived tons of stuff in the past that we spent time worrying about and now have to think back to remember because it is in the past and done. You will do fine, take a deep breath and just tell her and get it over with for everyones sake. I have problems like this too. My friends say you must like to carry all the weight of the world on your shoulders, so they taught me Trumans saying " right or wrong make a decision" and I tell myself that all the time.

koolbreeze
09-21-2005, 11:25 PM
:thinking: THANKS!! i like that... i'll have to remember that!

Ingrid
09-21-2005, 11:26 PM
Of course you do. But we can't be all things to all people without wearing ourselves out. One of the hardest things to learn is to say no, especially to people who we are afraid it might hurt. But to be honest, how she reacts is up to her. She's going to have her big fancy wedding with or without you, and maybe, if she does get upset, someday she'll have kids and responsibilities that can't be easily passed off, and realize what she was asking. Her wedding may be the most important thing to her, but not to anyone else.

When adults' lives are centered around their friends, then friendship is the most important thing. When you have a brood of children for whom you are responsible, then everything else takes a back seat.

When my kids were little, I went away twice by myself. Both times I felt it was necessary to have either my MIL or my sister come to stay because, even though their father had these kids since they were babies, and saw all that I had to do for them, he just wouldn't have been able to do it without taking his frustration out by yelling at them.

I'm not saying he's a bad man, little kids were just not his forte. When it came to college admissions papers and scholarships and such he was the champ.

So that's my two cents.

Carmell--you have to take care of your needs, too. :heart:

KellyK
09-22-2005, 12:23 AM
The sooner you do it, though, the better for her. Tell her TOMORROW. Or, since she's in Cali and its 2 hours earlier there, NOW. You dont want her worrying or freakin out about things any closer to THE DAY than she has to.

koolbreeze
09-22-2005, 08:01 AM
ok i'm going to tell her today. thanks you all. you have made this a lot easier for me hearing both sides!!! :heart: :heart: :heart:

margie
09-22-2005, 10:37 AM
I came into the thread late, but I just wanted to say good luck with telling your friend. I truly believe that if she is a good friend, she will be understanding of your situation. It sounds as though although she is having a large wedding, with other attendants, she feels as though your presence there would be important to her. Perhaps you can do something on the day of her wedding or the days leading up to it, like send her flowers the day before with a note that says "I'm thinking of you and hoping everything is going well", or even mailing her a letter for her to open on her wedding day, that tells her that you are there in spirit, even if you can't physically be there. Good luck!! :heart:

jodstr2
09-22-2005, 11:00 AM
you'll feel so much better after you tell her.

good luck sweetie! :thumbsup:

koolbreeze
09-22-2005, 11:07 AM
Thanks Jodi and Margie. Margie those are good ideas. i will keep those in mind!

i've been thinking about what some of you all said previously... do you all think it will ruin the friendship if i'm not in her wedding? cause if thats the case it really isn't much of a friendship. and when i really think about about it.. knowing her so well.. ireally cannot say what she will do... :shock:

Carol_OH
09-22-2005, 11:07 AM
Don't go.

If she cannot understand what she's asking of you, then she's not a real friend and good riddance.

margie
09-22-2005, 11:17 AM
Hmmmmm.....will it ruin the friendship- :thinking:

Your friend could very likely be quite disappointed, she may act angry or upset- I think brides-to-be are especially volatile (at least I know I was then) but hopefully, she will look at the situation for what it it, and realize that for you and your family, it is just not a good option right now. I hope so, anyway. As long as you are able to get her to understand that it is the distance that presents the problem, not her. Good luck!

feministmama
09-22-2005, 12:13 PM
Don't go.

If she cannot understand what she's asking of you, then she's not a real friend and good riddance.

word

xxxxxoooo to you Koolbreeze sending y ou good vibes and strength ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ :heart:

LisaD715
09-22-2005, 01:49 PM
Carmell, if she ends the friendship, she was never really a friend to begin with. I have always been opinionated about how people treat their friends, it is a pet peeve of mine. I hope that all of this works out in a good way. Sending you my good wishes!!

InterNette
10-01-2005, 02:47 AM
Just checking in, How did it go? All better and behind you?

koolbreeze
10-01-2005, 11:05 AM
yep. she tried to be upset at first. but then i had to explain that it had nothing to do with my personally feelings. then she started babbling about how she wasn't a good friend. i started getting frustrated because once again she wasn't listening and trying to make it about her. so once she calmed down and what i told her started to register she understood and let it go. so we are still cool!!! thanks for asking!

InterNette
10-01-2005, 11:36 AM
Glad it all worked out. See that wasnt so bad was it? Big load of your shoulders should make you feel much better

koolbreeze
10-01-2005, 01:50 PM
you all were right it wasn't that bad! i do that to myself all the time. give myself an ulcer thinking how hard something will be then once i do it, it wasn't all that bad. like when i told my mom i was pregnant for the 4th time... and i was married!!! i guess it was hard because the other 3 times i wasn't!!!

:thumbsup: