PDA

View Full Version : OT: Thinking about having a baby.


02-28-2006, 06:29 PM
Hi all, this is the 4th time I've tried writing this post as I am very nervous of what responses I may get.

I don't even know how it happened, I mean I'm the type of person who hates (Please don't judge me on this) going out to restaurants because it seems like every kid under the age of 2 is within a 5 foot radius just screaming at the top of their lungs while the parents just laugh away.

I can't believe I said that out loud :shock: I must sound like a horrible person, but for some reason I've just never been a 'kid' person. Please don't get me wrong, I love my nephew and nieces and would put up with them for anything, but for some reason, sigh, I don't know what's wrong with me.

Then all of a sudden around last December I just started getting this overwhelming urge to have a baby. And its just gotten stronger and stronger ever since I told my DH. Now everytime I turn on the tv, someone is either finding out their pregnant or giving birth and then - BOOM - I'm a complete blubbering idiot. The tears just flow from god knows where.

Why is this happening? I never believed in the whole 'biological clock' story, is this what it is? And then on the other hand we are in no financial position to bring another life into this world. I keep going back and forth in my head, one second I talk myself out of it and then the next second that makes absolutely no sense either.

I'm going to be 30 this year, its a bit far away, but man, I'm going nuts here.

Any helpful, encouraging advice out there?

aylaanne
02-28-2006, 06:53 PM
I don't know about helpful and encouraging, but what you describe sounds like a biological clock syndrome to me. Hell, I'm turning 26 this year and getting married, and my clock has been screaming at me to have a baby for about, oh, ten years now? You need to do what you think is right. Maybe borrow someone's kids for a week and see how it goes?

Jan in CA
02-28-2006, 07:03 PM
How does DH feel about having a baby? As for what you are feeling, it could be the biological clock, but I think that usually kicks in in the late 30's when women feel time is running out. I don't think what you are feeling is unusual.

If having a baby is something you both want to do then maybe it's time to give it some serious thought. Obviously having a child if you are in dire financial straights is not a good idea so it's a smart move to see where you stand and where you think you'll be be in the next year or two.

AmandaC
02-28-2006, 07:04 PM
My two boys were both 'accidents' and to be honest if I had REALLY thought about it I would have been too selfish to decide to have a baby. I was lucky and the decision to try for a baby never had to happen but I do know this ... if you wait until you are financially able ... you'll never have any!

I love my boys more than anything and the money is hard but you manage because you have to.

why don't you NOT try and see what happens, sometimes when you are trying to have a baby it doesn't work because you get so worked up about it ...

good luck whatever decision you make.

butterflymama
02-28-2006, 07:08 PM
I had to LOL at your restaurant comment. As the mother of a 29 month old and a 10 month old, I feel your pain at the screaming toddler! :rofling:

Okay so here is the difference....your kids are not annoying! Its all those *other* kids. LOL

I felt the SAME way about kids before I had them. I loved my neices and nephews but was happy to give them back at the end of the day. Thought so many kids were obnoxious, etc.

And then I had my first. And your entire world will change. You will have such a different perspective. Really. Its amazing.

There is not a way to prepare yourself for having babies. And if you wait until you think you have enough you will never have children. And really, kids cost nothing to start, I mean they need to eat, you have 2 boobs! They need to sleep, you have a bed. They need love, ya got that. You are good to go!

If you really think you want kids, you need to give yourself time to explore that. You don't ever want to go through life with a regret of never having kids. And I am not sure I have ever met someone who regreted having them. :D

sfavereau
02-28-2006, 07:26 PM
Wow, I am now exactly what you were before Dec! It's DH that's like you! LOL

I think it is the biological clock thing. My mom keeps telling me that one day I will want to have a child, instead of shying away from them, but so far it hasn't happened. It would give DH hope to read your post! My maternal instinct is completely satisfied by my furbaby (doggie). :heart:

kellyjo32
02-28-2006, 07:27 PM
Doglover, I am starting to feel your pain, although I'm not quite as bad yet...but I'm noticing a change in my attitude towards kids....it's scary!
I have a lot of friends with 3 or 4+ kids and they are just loving life! My biggest fear is sharing my love with a kid and my hubby, because I absolutely adore my hubby!!! He's older than I am, so his clock is ticking a little faster than mine, but we both feel like we are too selfish to have kids. But they say if you wait until you're "ready", you'll never be ready!! They say everything changes when you have kids, so you'll never understand all the things moms say until you have them!!

knittingachiever
02-28-2006, 07:35 PM
I agree with all that's been said about there never being a "perfect" time to start a family - the right time is when you do it.

Since this is a very sudden desire for you, I would take some serious time to think about why you're feeling the way you are, and to see if you still feel so strongly about it in six months or so. It's possible that you are just feeling the big 3-0 coming up and need some sort of change in your life. Once you have kids, you can't change your mind and go back.

But if after some soul searching and a lot of discussion with DH, you feel ready to make some kids, go for it! I know you'll be happy either way. :D :thumbsup:

Julie
02-28-2006, 08:38 PM
ITA that if you wait until you can "afford" kids then you'll be waiting a long time, lol. My friend's dad (father of 12) always says, when people ask him how he could afford that many kids, "no one can afford kids -- you always want to give them more than you can, no matter how many there are." It all has a way of working itself out, once you sort out what sacrifices need to be made.

As far as not being a kid lover...it will be different with your own, I promise. And you'll become more tolerant of crying babies, lol. :D

Amber
02-28-2006, 10:05 PM
I totally agree with what everyone else has said.

Like you, I had absolutely no desire to have children until close to my 30th birthday. Then, all of a sudden I found myself thinking about having kids all the time. I even started compiling lists of my favorite baby names. ;)

I agonized over my decision to have kids. I tried to intellectualize it -- I read a ton of books, but ultimately I went with my gut feeling.

I now have two boys -- my oldest will be 4 on Sunday, and I have an eight month old baby as well. Having kids is the best thing I've ever done, and also the hardest. My life has changed so much -- my goals, aspirations, even my views about the world have altered.

I agree that there is really no way to totally prepare yourself. The most important thing that babies/children need is love. As long as you can give that, everything else will work itself out.

02-28-2006, 10:30 PM
Oh my gosh, you all have said some pretty impressive things. Thank you so much.

Sfavereau - I totally agree with you about your furbaby! I just call them my kids! If I could I'd have 10 more dogs, I love dogs.

I don't know though about the whole 'if you wait till you can afford them, you'll never have any' theory. In my heart I know you are probably right, but in my head that makes no sense :rollseyes: I'm so conflicted.

There are so many things in our lives that are up in the air that it wouldn't make sense to start trying, but then I think, what if it takes us years to conceive? (I have endometriosis) And then I suffer from migraines and my hubby is type 1 diabetic. These also make me wonder if we should have kids. I wouldn't in a million years wish a migraine on my worst enemy let alone my own child. And then my hubby worries about passing the diabetes also. And I also realize that there is no guarantee that they would get either of those, sigh, I am really over-thinking this whole thing.

I know that in the end I will go with my gut, it's never failed me before! If I could just shut my brain down for a day or two... ;)

I mean, raising kids in this day in age (who says that anymore!) just the thought of it scares the crap out of me. You wouldn't believe the thoughts I've had, oy vey. I guess I just needed to vent to you to help me sort some of it out.

BTW, hubby is all for it, when we're ready.

Friskums
02-28-2006, 11:01 PM
There are so many things in our lives that are up in the air that it wouldn't make sense to start trying, but then I think, what if it takes us years to conceive? (I have endometriosis) And then I suffer from migraines and my hubby is type 1 diabetic. These also make me wonder if we should have kids. I wouldn't in a million years wish a migraine on my worst enemy let alone my own child. And then my hubby worries about passing the diabetes also. And I also realize that there is no guarantee that they would get either of those, sigh, I am really over-thinking this whole thing.
This is part of the reason my bf and I have decided not to have kids once we are married. My family has a major history of alcoholism, depression, and various minor other traits. My mom is a recovering alcoholic, was diagnosed with bi-polar a year or so ago, and a few years before that was diagnosed with fibromyalgia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fibromyalgia). My dad's side also has alcoholism, depression, and my dad's dad died of heart problems.
Growing up I already know I've got issues with depression, and I'm worried about the bi-polar thing...if one day it just busts out like it did with my mom. Same with the fibro. It's a terrible terrible thing to live with. And researching it has led me to believe I may have that as well. So, just knowing -my- history, I was worried about passing any/all of that to my kids.
My bf is adopted, so we don't really know what his blood carries. Which kind of makes it worse. I'd rather know, so we could determine if it's worth it.

I mean, raising kids in this day in age (who says that anymore!) just the thought of it scares the crap out of me. You wouldn't believe the thoughts I've had, oy vey. I guess I just needed to vent to you to help me sort some of it out.
The other part of why we decided not to is because of the world and society. I don't have any hope that the world will ever be a better place then what it is now, and frankly that thought terrifies me. If this is as good as it's going to be...
-
In the end we decided that the health risks and the way the world is going is not a good place for children to be raised in.
Additionally, we both agree there are far far too many people in the world. Of course, on the other hand, part of me wants to so that we could have a smart kid to try to keep the balance on all the idiots out there breeding like rabbits. (Not saying they are idiots for having lots of kids. Just that there are a lot of stupid people in the world.)
-
I realize I'm going against what most people have said here, but I'm just sharing my 2 cents.
-
Don't get me wrong. I'd -love- to have a baby. I've always wanted the big preggie belly to rub and use as a resting spot for a glass of juice or something while I'm watching tv. And to watch my little boy or girl run around and know that I created that. It makes my heart gush at the thought of it.
-
We're both young yet (I'm 22, he's 24) but I plan on getting my tubes tied as soon as I can afford it. If, later on in life, we decide we made a mistake and wish we had had a child, there's -always- the option for adoption. And I'm all about helping animals and people that are already here and need as much help as they can get.
-
The fact that I don't have kids may be part of the reason I'm thinking the way I am, but it doesn't change the fact that there's other options out there.
-
Yes, our bodies are telling us we need to procreate. But I think it's more of a instinctual need to ensure the species survives than anything else.
And honestly, I think there are too many people out there as it is.
-
Sorry this got so lengthy. Didn't mean to turn it into a long post. Just wanted to get another perspective in the lot.

aylaanne
02-28-2006, 11:13 PM
Yes, our bodies are telling us we need to procreate. But I think it's more of a instinctual need to ensure the species survives than anything else.
And honestly, I think there are too many people out there as it is.

This is true. I've wanted children for my entire life, I've done research and study on child psychology, human development, pre-pregnancy nutrition, pregnancy and childbirth healthcare and choices, early childhood education and parenting theory for the last ten years (and I'm only 25, I started in high school). I personally feel that it takes that much committment before becoming a parent to be truly successful, but I do know people who fudge it very well.

and while my fiance and I plan to procreate biologically, when I'm 35 the doors are closed. Anything that has or hasn't happened by then is it. The risks after that are too high for me to consider pregnancy, especially when there are so many children out there who need the love and the roof I can provide for them.

We're both young yet (I'm 22, he's 24) but I plan on getting my tubes tied as soon as I can afford it.
There's another option to surgery, called "essure", that's safer and just as effective (and possibly cheaper, too). www.essure.com

Ingrid
02-28-2006, 11:24 PM
If, in your heart, you want to have a baby, have a baby. Nobody was ever evicted because they had to buy diapers. You'll manage.

The world is harsher than it once was, true; but raise your child with values and kindness, because good people make the world a better place, too.

I thought I knew what love was until I had my children. Boy, I didn't know a thing.

Yes, there is worry, and fear, and guilt, and days when you wonder what the hell you were thinking. But then there's the love you have for your children. And you know what? It's really cool to be loved "best of all" just because you're Mom. It's also so nice to know that your mere presence can comfort.

It's not all intellectual stuff, biological stuff or financial stuff. It's much, much deeper.

Friskums
02-28-2006, 11:26 PM
There's another option to surgery, called "essure", that's safer and just as effective (and possibly cheaper, too). www.essure.com
Thanks for the tip. I'll definately be checking that out.
(And just so you know, if you want to edit your post, the link contains the period after .com and doesn't work unless you delete it.) :)

JessicaR
03-01-2006, 01:30 AM
I go back and forth even though the general opinion between my husband and I are no kids. But working at Target I see that worst of the worst. But then I see a little baby, soundly sleeping with it's perfect little face and hands and feet and I smile. And I go through ups and down with my hormones, but something always snaps me out of it. I was really in a spot where I wanted more for us, so we got a dog. And she has filled that void in our lives. Maybe someday we'll have kids, but I'm really thinking not. But that's us, just me and him and the doggie makes three tonight :D

TwoLeftNeedles
03-01-2006, 04:57 AM
I thought I knew what love was until I had my children. Boy, I didn't know a thing.

(snip)

It's not all intellectual stuff, biological stuff or financial stuff. It's much, much deeper.

A resounding amen to that. It's a soul-shaking change that I can't find words to explain.

kellyjo32
03-01-2006, 08:03 AM
It's not all intellectual stuff, biological stuff or financial stuff. It's much, much deeper.

I don't have kids *yet* but I know that Ingrid is right on this one. And that statement sums up the beauty of having kids.
Yes, the world is a super scary place at times, but for each generation, I'm sure it was scary for them as well. We can't live our lives in fear, wondering what may or may not happen. One person can't always change the world, but one person can change your world.

koolbreeze
03-01-2006, 10:45 AM
DON'T borrow someones kids for a weekend! i have for 4 kids about to #5 and i'll be 29 this year. and i can honsetly say i am a kid person when it comes to my kids.. but i have a very low tolerance for other peoples kids...even my neice. if your clock it ticking go for it. its always different when its your children. and as long as you treat them right and raise them right won't no one be looking at you crazy wondering what is wrong with her! good luck and i hope everything is easy for you!

03-01-2006, 01:05 PM
But working at Target I see that worst of the worst. But then I see a little baby, soundly sleeping with it's perfect little face and hands and feet and I smile.

This is sooo true for me too. Why is it that when I'm in walmart, or any store for that matter, there is some parent pushing a child SCREAMING at the top of their lungs? And they just poo pooey them. Or ignore them, or what seems like they are ignoring it.

There was one time that I'm in Joann's minding my own business in the yarn dept. and this woman is walking up and down the aisle with her daughter just wailing. It got so bad that I had to leave the store. I was so pissed off. Why do people think its okay to let their kid do that? Why do parents take their kids out in public and let them act like little terrors?

I realize that the majority of parents do not allow this, but I must have some sort of sensory magnet in my body that attracts these people to the stores that I'm in!! :rofling:

Lets just say that when I'm in those situations, my maternal needs go into a coma. ;)

If we could we would adopt a child, but it is just ridiculously expensive. I realize that they just can't have anybody adopt a child, but they could lower the price just a tad.

I just want to thank everyone again for making me feel a whole lot better about this situation. You have all been such a help. :sunny:

Kirochka
03-01-2006, 01:09 PM
Just wanted to add a totally different perspective... all FWIW and probably totally unlike anyone else's. I never went through a period in my entire life when I wanted to have children - which makes my experience probably not helpful to you since you're struggling with a strong and sudden desire to have them. But that never happened to me, and I'm now 43 and coming on three years... oh, man, wait, no, I think four years since my tubal ligation, which I have never regretted for a moment.

My point in saying this is not to persuade you to do any one thing, nor to dissuade you from anything either. My point is that this is a society in which we are constantly bombarded with media and societal messages that having children is something everyone, but everyone, wants to do, at least if they're "normal," and that if you don't there is something wrong with you. It took me years to realize that it was okay for me not to have wanted children, and that given my feelings it was absolutely right for me not to have had them. And my point is, while the desire you're feeling for children may indeed be absolutely an indicator of what you do seriously want and what you should do, you may also want to take a deep breath and think about whether or not the messages surrounding you that All Real Women Have Babies is a contributing factor (and I say this because of the suddenness of your desire for children).

And I have to say, I agree with what friskie kittie has said about the world: as of this week there are said to be 6.5 billion people living on a planet with dwindling and non-renewable resources. I can't imagine the future will be anything but worse than the present, environmentally, socially, politically, as future generations struggle for the scarce resources that are left. It's easy for me to say because I've never wanted children, but the thought of bringing a new life into this world as it's going is just frightening to me.

Jan in CA
03-01-2006, 01:19 PM
But working at Target I see that worst of the worst. But then I see a little baby, soundly sleeping with it's perfect little face and hands and feet and I smile.

This is sooo true for me too. Why is it that when I'm in walmart, or any store for that matter, there is some parent pushing a child SCREAMING at the top of their lungs? And they just poo pooey them. Or ignore them, or what seems like they are ignoring it.



Parents in general have to develop a tolerance to a certain amount of noise coming from their children. You can't respond to whining or you only get more of it. However ignoring it completely is wrong, too. My kids were not whiners because I didn't tolerate it. If they needed to have a tantrum or whine about something they were sent to their rooms till they were done. When it got quiet again I'd tell them if they were done now they could come out. It's all in the parenting. (all this being said..some children ARE more difficult than others, but no child needs to be a brat)

dustinac
03-01-2006, 02:17 PM
Both of mine were unplanned which like someone stated before is prolly a good thing.. I now can't imagine my life without them... When I was carrying my first both my dh and I agreed our child would not be one of those that when the family pulled up to visit someone.. every light went off to pretend they were not home... lol in my opinion.. it really is the parent's duty to handle the children.. kids will test the line but if you allow them they will take the line over... If my children start to act up out in public they are removed from the scene.. if dh is with me then they sit in the car with him till I'm finished shopping.. if dh is not with me I just bring them home and then go out by myself.. we don't take them to the movies my son has went with dh but it was kid films where other kids will be there.. we don't go to fancy restaurants we eat at burger king or mc d's were again other kids... my kids know the boundaries they do push them but they also know that the timeout chair and timer is waiting for them.. they know the look and they know signs so if I'm on the phone with or out in public I give the look or sign stop it or sit down... my son the oldest hates being in trouble but my little girl seems to get a kick out of the time out chair.. :rollseyes: she is very headstrong... as for affording them my mom always says if you wait till you can afford kids you will never have them.. first its can't wait till they are eating real people food, then can't wait till they can use the potty, then its can't wait till they hit a slow streak so I'm not buying clothes and shoes everytime I turn around, and then school hits ya lol... I say sit down and talk to your dh about this only you two can decide what is best for you both.. belive me there is so much joy and happiness with little ones.. the first time you hold them and you realize you are their everything... the first time they can hug you or give you a sugar... the first time you hear mommy or love you too...seeing the world through their eyes.. the things we take for granted everyday... its amazing how much love you have for your children and how natural it feels... I don't have alot of patience never have esp. with unruly kids but with mine its so different... they are my world... :heart:

koolbreeze
03-01-2006, 06:12 PM
ok speaking as a parent who has a child that seems to think throwing a tantrum will get them somewhere. i used to not know how to handle it. it is not that the parent is ignoring them but may they just wanna hurry and get done what they came to do and go home. maybe they can't leave the child at home. i don't go anywhere but to the store and most of the time i have to force myself to go if i can't wait for the weekend when my husband is home. my 3rd, when she doesn't get her way used to cry and scream and i wouldn't ignore her ibut i wouldn't let her know that what she is doing was gonna change my mind. so if it looks like i am ignoring her then good. whatever to shut her up. this was what she does to my husband and he hurries up and gives in. i told him not to do this because it just makes things worse for me. but he did it anyway. so now when she starts turning red... i stop her quick with either a threat to the bathroom (and you don't wanna know what might happen in there) or i tell her don't even start. cause big girls don't cry when they are told no. and the latter seems to be working now. but i don't play that. she can still get my husband with it though. :rollseyes: i help him out sometimes but that is his monster so i let him deal. its so funny to watch him plead for help. but my question to you is why does it piss you off when someone else's chid is acting up? just ignore it. thats what i do. i look at them and say oh hell naw she need to take him to the bathroom and whoop him. but i know some people don't believe in that. but thats just me.

Ingrid
03-01-2006, 06:29 PM
When I hear someone's child screaming in the store, I'm just glad that I'm not the one who has to deal with it.

Very often it is a "planned ignoring" in the parent's part. It's often not practical or possible to remove the child immediately--you need what you need and this may be your only chance. Kids don't come with on/off switches; and if giving in to them, as koolbreeze says, is the only way to get them to stop, you're not doing anyone any favors--just upping the ante for next time you go shopping.

Instead of automatically blaming the parent for doing a bad job when the kids' are screaming, I put myself in their shoes. I've been in their shoes--it's no fun, and it's certainly not easy. It has to be addressed and dealt with, true; but at that moment, sometimes there's just nothing you can do. I'd rather see a calm mother and a screaming child, than a cowering child and a screaming mother.

CateKnits
03-01-2006, 06:36 PM
My parents were very strict with us about proper behaivor in public. I knew screaming would get me screamed AT, so it wasn't worth it. When I see kids acting out in public, it doesn't make me angry, but it makes me feel stressed out. I get all anxious and sometimes have to remove MYSELF from the situation.
The thing I hate and that DOES piss me off is when people bring their toddlers and infants to movies (not kids movies, either) and sit there while they cry and cry and cry. The kid is obviously not happy and it's just rude to the rest of us that had to pay nine bucks to see the movie.

dustinac
03-01-2006, 07:06 PM
oh yeah those days happen too lol don't wanna scare ya out of kids!! LOL

I remeber one time when Isaiah was 3/4 and I took him to Buehlers well we only have one car so I try to go on weekends when dh is home but I really had to run out mid week so I took him (and didn't trust dh with list for him to just go)... he wanted the car buggy I told him no because it was not there someone else had it... he threw one fit on me but I needed what I had to have and couldn't wait till the weekend so I just picked him up kicking and all placed him in the buggy and ran through the store with him screaming all the way (me just ignoring him thinking well thats not getting attention so I'll stop.. :rollseyes: ) I was sooooo embarassed and was not calm at all... when I went to check out this lady in front of me said all he wanted was the car buggy (Isaiah was screaming I want car buggy I want car buggy).. i looked at her and said I know but it was not available.. and I got the rolled eye look from her then I was mad at her for judging me without knowing the whole situation.. although Isaiah was screaming and I wasn't calm :lol: so yes sometimes things like that happen and the mother is like what has happened to my child he doesn't usually do this??? LOL by the time I got home I was shaking... lol now I trust dh with the list mid week :rofling: and if I take the kids out I tend to have him with me now... but alot of times on weekends where I've been home all week dh works long hrs I just go by myself to get that short break although grocery shopping isn't very fun...

My opinion: In public places alot of times a parents hands feel tied.. I know I feel like I'm under a microscope on how I deal with a situation.. where maybe I'm wrong but when I was growing up if you threw a fit in the store you were in trouble right there.. now days alot of mothers (friends of mine) feel like if they raise their voice or say you just wait its taking the wrong way by others I think some kids can pick up on that and act worse... its hard to make the right call alot of times.. I try my best by taking them where kids will be or when dh can go with me but I understand alot of times this cannot happen or single mothers do not have the extra pair of hands.. my two year old whew I mean my parents laugh at me all the time cause I have such a spit fire on my hands even the dr told me I have a very independent and stubborn little girl that I need to guide very carefully its not fun hearing your dr say you need to watch her you want her to keep part of that so she doesn't take anything from anyone but then again you don't want the next school yard bully either.. ..:shock:

I was brought up in a house that you were spanked and I turned out pretty good I think lol I do not like to see a child slapped in the face though... but when little ones first start to learn things I have got after their hand and told them no... I use timeout with my son cause it works or so does you loose this _______ privelige my daughter we are trying timeout but not with much success... she doesn't have anything right now she cares to go without lol..

Koolbreeze my dh is the same way.. he leaves usually befor they are up and normally isn't home till an hr before bed time he feels guilty but he makes my job harder.. they know they can get by with more with him... I tell him it doesn't help.. I realllyyyyyyyyyyy get annoyed when I tell them no they go ask him and he says yes.. then says I didn't know you said no.. well then I'm the bad person cause I said no and they went to dad after that fact so no has to stick... its hard on him and we do have talks about it and he tries to do better but they do have him wrapped around their little pinkies.. LOL

I'm sorry if what I said was taking that I get annoyed or mad at a parent cause most of the times I feel bad for the parent what I meant is like a family member we have ... is never told no cause it will stunt his imagination and ummm.. well he doesn't care for items in the house (don't really think I should put up my stuff when he comes) he can hit my child and its boys being boys so dh told isaiah well then hit him back yeah that didn't go over at all cause we were the bad parents... he can write on walls cause he is just being artistic... he can eat what he wants cause they don't want to limit his choices... he can stay up as late as they do and watch what they do cause he is mature for his age.. he can be hateful to his mother and its funny..he is 7

ok now that I've wrote a book lol :waving:

Jan in CA
03-01-2006, 07:14 PM
I'd rather see a calm mother and a screaming child, than a cowering child and a screaming mother.

:thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup:

03-01-2006, 11:50 PM
but my question to you is why does it piss you off when someone else's chid is acting up? just ignore it. thats what i do. i look at them and say oh hell naw she need to take him to the bathroom and whoop him. but i know some people don't believe in that. but thats just me.

I mean no disrespect when I say this, it's only how I feel, but that is exactly what drives me crazy. I, like most people can't ignore a screaming child. Just like anyone probably wouldn't be able to ignore me sitting at the table next to them screaming at the top of my lungs.

I think that it's much easier for parents of small children to tune them out, but people who aren't around kids everyday don't have that special ability that the good Lord has obviously given to the parents. ;)

However, I do look forward to the day when that will no longer make me want to kill either the child or the parent for letting it go on so long. I realize this sounds kinda bad, but it's not meant to. I just think that people with children should have enough decency to respect other people around them. When that is possible. This sounds really horrible when I re-read it, but I just don't know how else to word it. I guess I could say it's like fingernails on a chalkboard. When all you want to do is slap whoever is doing it just to make it stop. (I realize that you shouldn't slap your child, that's not what I meant.)

Is that better? Again, I mean no disrespect to you at all. I'm glad you can ignore it, I just can't. (please don't hate me :doh: )

Jeez, this is a really sensitive topic I'm beginning to realize. I do understand that there are some situations that can't be avoided, but that doesn't make it any easier for the rest of us. :doh: This is just sounding worse and worse as I keep typing. So maybe I should stop.

Besides, the reason I started this thread was because I'm having the urge to have a baby. Not because I can't stand a screaming child. And I know that someday I too will be put in the exact same position as what drives me nuts now, but until that day comes...I'll thank my lucky stars it isn't me that has to put up with the child, I get to leave, they don't!!

sfavereau
03-02-2006, 12:17 AM
Doglover, I don't think it sounds worse and worse as you type. I totally agree with what you are saying about the screaming kids.

A short funny story (sorry, for hijacking the thread!):

One day I went to the Monterey Bay Aquarium, after having driven 5 or 6 hours very early in the morning. I had a headache and was tired (not anyone's fault, but just to give you an idea of my state of mind).

There was a kid SCREAMING and throwing a tantrum. I quietly said to the person I was with that I had to move to the next viewing area because "my head was about to split open with that brat screaming." OOOOOPS! :oops: Even though the child and it's dad were across the room, the mom was standing next to me. She THREATENED to beat me up. I was so surprised I actually laughed at her, which made her even more mad and she started lunging towards me. Luckily, there was a security guard nearby who asked her and her family to leave, but it was a funny experience.

knitncook
03-02-2006, 09:25 AM
I totally understand your restaurant experience. I am not fond of other people's children. Seriously. Most other people's children annoy me. We belong to a small homeschool co-op and there are only 2 other families that I actually enjoy being around their kids. Maybe because their kids are a lot like mine.

We never put up with screaming kids in a restaurant because we know how much it annoys us. We'd take a bored, frustrated, or agitated child outside to walk around and wait for food (or others to finish) than make others have to sit and listen to our kids. Common courtesy.

People who know I homeschool are always asking if I would be interested in starting some child related activity (Girl Scouts, Spiral Scouts, 4-H, Junior Achievement, etc etc etc) and they can't understand why I say no. "But you are so good with kids." No, I am so good with MY kids. I can't stand your kids. :D At church I periodically volunteer with the teen religious education class, but have consistantly turned down many offers to be a RE teacher for the elementary and middle school classes. People just assume that because I have children I must love children.

So as another "don't really care for kids type person" I can tell you that you can still not like other people's children and still love your own and want to be totally immersed in their lives.

koolbreeze
03-02-2006, 12:42 PM
People who know I homeschool are always asking if I would be interested in starting some child related activity (Girl Scouts, Spiral Scouts, 4-H, Junior Achievement, etc etc etc) and they can't understand why I say no. "But you are so good with kids." No, I am so good with MY kids. I can't stand your kids. :D At church I periodically volunteer with the teen religious education class, but have consistantly turned down many offers to be a RE teacher for the elementary and middle school classes. People just assume that because I have children I must love children.

this is so true!!!!! i was forced to volunteer in the nursery at my church because i had kids in the nursery... i hated going even if it was once a month. i'd pick the nicest babies to watch and leave the bad ones for the nursery workes. but i have never wanted to work with kids. but mine i love them to death and they are well behaved...even Carrigan when shes not with DH. and everyone always compliments on how good they are. i have no problems leaving my kids with anyone cause i know they will act right.
Michelle...honestly i might wanted to whoop you butt too. but i prolly wouldn't have said anything BECAUSE i would have been to embarassed that my kid was acting like a brat in puplic. ;)

03-02-2006, 12:52 PM
We never put up with screaming kids in a restaurant because we know how much it annoys us. We'd take a bored, frustrated, or agitated child outside to walk around and wait for food (or others to finish) than make others have to sit and listen to our kids. Common courtesy.

You see k n' c, you are one of the 'good' parents. You do what you can -when you can- to try and diffuse the situation for your child. That is so funny what you wrote about loving your kids and saying you can't stand other people's kids. I got quite a chuckle out of that!

sfavereau, I cannot believe that mother coming after you! That is so unbelieveable! :rofling: Don't worry about hijacking - I didn't even know you could do that!! I love hearing about these stories, it's more fun to laugh about them than complain. Which is what I usually do! The good Lord did not bless me with patience. I've gotten better since we got our little girl, (my dog I mean) but I could still be a lot better.

I just wonder if this 'feeling' will subside or only get more intense. I wish I could see into the future, and yet I'm glad I can't. Only time will tell I guess.

Pixywhispers
03-02-2006, 12:59 PM
I agree with all that's been said about there never being a "perfect" time to start a family - the right time is when you do it.

KA! That is the sweetest thing to say! That melts my heart! It is so true.

In my devo (devotional) this morning it said "This grass is always greener, but it still needs to be mowed." Im teaching my ten year old once you choose, choose with your whole heart.

2girlsmom
03-02-2006, 07:05 PM
(((hugs))) this is a tough decision!

ITA with the person who said it's everyone else's kids who are annoying, not yours. hehehe.

Seriously, the love I feel for my daughter is the most amazing thing in the world. I never thought I'd love someone that much. When she was born, everything changed--I was so completely in love with her, and with my husband. It was rough trying to figure this parenthood stuff out but I can honestly say it has made our family and marriage so much better and stronger.

We laugh about the times we had before her--"what did we ever do before?" and we never want to go back in time and change anything--she is a gorgeous, funny, silly, and loving toddler and I wouldn't trade her for the world.

Plus, you will have a baby/kid to knit for! Do it :roflhard:

Jeremy
03-02-2006, 08:11 PM
My most embarrasing (and funniest) moment as a parent came at the beach, not a restaurant. My youngest son who was about three at the time had to pee. It was a long way to the bathroom and a short walk to a big ocean so we told him to go into the ocean, pull his swimsuit down and pee. A few moments later we looked up to see him in the water up to his ankles with his suit pulled down peeing for all the world to see. I laugh when I read about affording them. Money does come when you need it. What you have to really work at is devoting the time. Good luck whenever you're ready.

Arugula
03-02-2006, 09:34 PM
LONG post!!

Listen, I generally try to stay out of parenting conversations here because, well, everyone parents how they see fit. But I think I have a right to voice my opinion too. I NEVER hit my children. The idea is appalling. I certainly don't like to be hit or hurt, especially intentionally and by someone who is supposed to love me. I can't imagine how much more frightening it would be if that person were 3 times my size and about 10 times my strength. Sure, I was spanked as a child, very few times. And I remember feeling very scared and hurt and ashamed and angry. I don't see how shaming and angering a child is supposed to teach them anything. There are days when I yell more than I should and I immediately see the result: ds yells at ds2 a lot, he is angrier, more destructive and it is much harder for him to turn his mood around and be happy or problem solve. It's pretty much a no-brainer. I don't want him to learn to solve an issue by hitting someone.

I agree with PPs about taking the child for a walk, etc if they are having a hard time. That is what we do and all of us are in a fantastic mood when we leave. We also try to stick with the more family friendly restaurants as well. You don't have to disrespect your child in order to get good behavior, they are each a complete person not something half-finished. Listen, I am sorry if this sounds militant, but I do feel strongly about it and I think it is important for those thinking about having children to know that they don't have to hit their child, they don't have to leave it in an infant seat while it screams in a store, they don't have to sit outside the nursery door crying while their child cries alone in it's bed for hours. My children have never wailed in a store, at least not as babies. Nursing is the miracle answer for so many things when they are babies! That and a sling. Carry them and nurse them and they are so happy!

FYI, I don't have compliant children. They are opinionated and strong-willed and not always adaptable to changing situations. We have had our share of battles for sure and I have been at the end of my rope more than a few times. In fact, we've only been out of the worst of it for a few months with ds1. It works really well to give him options but you have to be willing to back them up no matter what. For example if he is having a heart attack about a car cart (we've had our share of those too! lol) I tell him they are all being used (doesn't usually help but it's still important for him to know I am not randomly saying no) and he can either walk, ride in the cart, or sit in the car until he is ready to ride or walk. I have to be ready to go to the car, though. He never chooses not to go to the car and he pulls himself together. It helps to take his mind off it, like asking what kind of cheese we should buy or could he help me pick the apples. (It also helps to make one of the choices something I know he won't like: you can either eat the sandwich I made for you or we can leave the park and go home. But I will not make you another sandwich if we go)

Parenting is definitely all about being creative. And it is financially difficult. I disagree with other posters on that. We worry a lot about how we are going to clothe them or how we are going to afford yet another pair of shoes. It's hard to afford groceries sometimes, mostly because we buy organic as much as possible (I know a lot of people consider it a luxury but to us it is important to our children's health). But by far the doctor bills are the most difficult. We chose not to have more than 2 kids simply because we felt the financial strain would put too much stress on our marriage. There are a lot of days we feel spread thin.

I get stressed when the kids are having a hard time in public because I feel like everyone else is exactly like you stated, irritated, annoyed and assuming I have some sort of magic that will make them shut up if only I would bother to use it. But then again, I don't like large groups of children either. I think I just don't like large groups of any kind lol.

It is true about not liking other people's kids and liking your own. But that does make friendships difficult if you always feel like the other kid is the instigator and the brat. Been there too. So other kids and I have a kind of truce and I try to see things from the viewpoint of someone who loves them.

You know, it is amazing how your children make the world a much safer, happier, more trusting place to be. I really hesitated to send ds to preschool at a public school, I was so worried about bullies and stuff. And then I actually took him there and every other kid was just like him. And the parents were just like me. And the majority of the world is made up of people just like us, people that wouldn't want to hurt a child, that are just living their lives and finding their own joy and loving their families. Our culture loves to sensationalize the frightening and the abnormal. But it is important to realize that it is abnormal. Most people are just like you.

I don't know, dh and I still see ourselves as people who could have been happy without children (ds1 was a surprise). But I wouldn't trade my kids for anything, they are so goofy and smart and happy, especially happy. Man, I have learned so much about pure joy from them, about letting go of grievances, about finding wonder around every corner. There are tough days but the days when you look at how beautiful and confident and amazing they are and you are so glad you have them.

JessicaR
03-02-2006, 09:37 PM
I just got done talking a friend off of the baby ledge :D

03-03-2006, 12:58 PM
I just got done talking a friend off of the baby ledge :D


:roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard:

knittingachiever
03-03-2006, 09:34 PM
LONG post!! ... There are tough days but the days when you look at how beautiful and confident and amazing they are and you are so glad you have them.

Arugula, I commend you for speaking your mind and I think the way you are raising your children is a wonderful thing. Like you, I got the occasional spanking as a youngster and all it did was inspire fear. If we rule our families with fear, we are creating microcosms of the worst of society in our homes.

Of course we all judge those who clearly abuse their children, but where do we draw the line as to what physical punishment constitutes abuse and what is okay? Is it okay as long as your hand is open? What about open-handed slaps to the face? What about a smack on the butt with a soft leather belt? Well then, what about the buckle? You see where I'm going? Each physical reprimand of a child that we condone makes it easier to justify the next step. So much better to respect the sanctity of the physical body of a child the way we expect ours to be respected - without exception and without reservation.

I know I'm contributing to the ever-increasing derailment of this thread, and I don't want to seem accusatory, but that's just my two cents. Thanks for putting up with a newbie throwing her hat in the ring. ;)

geekgolightly
03-04-2006, 10:18 PM
arugula you completely rock :thumbsup:

my son is 2 years 2 months and he doesnt have tantrums, he does screech at the top of his lungs in the stores, but its out of pleasure. we are teaching him baout inside voices now that this is happening.

he gets frustrated and cries sometimes, but its all short lived, because dh and i are pretty good about acknowleging his feelings and being able to voice for him "oh seth, i know it must be so frustrating for you, huh?" when he cant stnad being in the grocery basket anymore etc etc. he calms down quickly.

im lucky in some ways, but i have to credit the way i parent him with some of that. i never spank. i never intimidate. i never scream at him. he is his own unique and interesting person and it is my responsibility to figure out what he needs and is trying to say/do/think and help him along. its such a great experience. i think the sling when he was yonger, and extended breastfeeding, and cosleeping has really helped shape him into someone who seems warm and assured. :cheering:

hippodamia
03-05-2006, 10:46 AM
Hello,

I haven't visited here in a few months due to giving birth to our first son! But, I just wanted to say I NEVER considered myself a kid person AT ALL. I 've never been around babies and just didn't think much about then, hated the crying, blah blah. But, I must say, having your own child, oh WOW!! I just can't believe it, he is the BEST thing that has ever happened in my life (well, ok, besides marrying hubby, cause without hubby, then we wouldn't have our baby!)

Anyway, having your own child is way way different than someone else's baby, more so than what I could have ever imagined. Our son is kind of high needs, so he is by no means an "easy" baby either, but I actually feel like my life is more completed than ever since he's been born.

Good luck, I haven't read all the other responses yet, but just had to reply to your post right away!!