View Full Version : OT: I'm a Hermit...

04-15-2007, 11:00 PM
So today, after yet ANOTHER argument with a friend of mine, I began to take a good hard look at my life.

I notice I don't have any real, honest, friends. The girl I fought with is someone I have known since grade 10, and we have always had a love/hate friendship for the last 7 years. She is my closest friend right now, and truth be told, I don't really like her all that much.

I have a teeny group of friends (3) I never see, don't want to see, never talk to and when I do go anywhere with them, I can't wait to get home.

that's not what friends are! Not by any fault of their own. They seem to like me, and enjoy my company, I just don't have anything in common with them anymore. It seems I have changed... Not dramatically, I have always been somewhat of a recluse, but lately, it has become blaringly obvious, that I don't want to have anything to do with them... But I have no one else as a friend.

It never bothered me before until tonight, when I realized I have no one but my mom and FH. I suddenly felt really lonely.

Anyone else here a hermit? Or a former hermit? I don't wanna grow old with no one to talk to, (Tho FH is amazing and wonderful... it would be nice to have a woman for a friend)

I know alot of people made some of their best friendships from College or their Work... well, the one friend I made in college who I adore to the ends of the earth lives about 6 hours away, and work is full of teens and really old ladies who are bitter they have to work still...

sigh* I just feel so lost.


04-15-2007, 11:16 PM
I have noticed something similar in my own life. I do not have someone in my life that I can call if I need to talk. Sometimes, I really wish I did have someone to talk to, not because I am in need, just for the company. In fact, I joined this forum intending to make friends. I felt that the common interest of knitting my lead to finding other common interests, and hopefully, eventually, a soulmate (or two, or three...)

I do not have a huge need for company - I'm a rather introverted bookish type. But occassionally, I'd like someone who makes me laugh. I get too serious when left to myself for very long.

I have noticed something else, too. I'm a TERRIBLE sleeper. If I can't sleep, I settle for rest. If I can't rest, I'll settle for quiet. If I can't get quiet, I'll ISOLATE myself. That's what I've been doing for YEARS now, compensating for exhaustion with isolation. And it's not working for me.

Maybe you are pulling away from your friends for an entirely different reason than you think.... ?
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04-15-2007, 11:21 PM
At the very least, I understand how you feel about he extreme spectrum of friend resources there are... I to have immature 20 somethings at my new job that seem to think it's ok to get drunk every night, call in sick or go home early hung over. And there's a clique-y-ness that I am letting get the better of me. There are also people older than me that have their friends and I feel one or two don't know how to at least be curteous and look me in the eye when I pass or at least look at me when I ask for help.I try to tell myself that perhaps they just have some personal issues and that they don't mean to be that way, but even on my worst day, I still manage to say hello and make time when someone asks me a question. It's hard to see those same cranks be all smiley and nice to the other people. Having a good rapport with people really makes a person's day go better and having those types of extremes makes the job/life quite difficult. I am outgoing, but I am losing steam, I have thought perhaps I should just give up and do my own thing too. I too have thought long and hard that my desire to please everyone has also been my downfall and has really become a personality flaw...but at 37 I am angry that I have to be the one to have to change myself, or accept what goes on around me. I haven't felt this helpless since I was in gradeschool and was the butt of everyone's bullying and teasing.
It sucks doesn't it? I do have some friends, but in the last year I just don't feel like I want to make the effort sometimes. They are so full of advice that seems to be "you need to... " or "you should just..." and I want people to agree that things can suck and let's make you feel better instead of being told what's wrong with me or what I should do to change.
I'm sorry do be a downer, but I feel what you're saying. It seems like everyone else's issues and such bring you down...if seperating yourself from that is what you need, so be it. Other's problems are toxic and can bring you down. Perhaps volunteering can give you the warm fuzzy feeling but do it such that you can just go, help out, and go home without getting involved in everyone's lives? Like serve meals, or knit for babies at the hospital or kennel blankets for the humane society. You can deliver something meaningful, be appreciated, and then go bask in your good deed. :heart: :heart: :heart:
taking a class for fun might put you in touch with people with more common interests?

Susan P.
04-15-2007, 11:27 PM
LOL I'm probably one of the old ladies ;-) but yes, I've lived a fairly hermit life existence and found a few months ago it simply wasn't working for me any more. I think a lot of these issues are about what we think of ourselves and what self image we hold.

Sometimes also people change and move on. My best friend for 20 years became born again which I was fine with but she would not stop being evangelical and her conversations went from many topics to one. We struggled on for a year or so, have an awful argument, struggled again and I wound up calling a halt to it. I felt that in the end we had to accept that the differences had become too broad for us to find peace with each other.

I think the company of women can be great and maybe you could join a knitting and/or craft group or go and learn some sort of new skill at night or on weekends - really just for fun but also to expand your horizons.

I have lived in a rural setting for years and although I love it I now find I'm understimulated and am looking to move back to city - something I thought I would *never* do.

But part of the challenge is reconnecting with self and what image we hold of ourselves I think. To be helper but also to be helped :-) All the very best.

04-16-2007, 01:18 AM
I too am in that group. I do not work so have no outlet there. We have never found a church we like so I have developed no friendships there. I know no one in this town except my dd and sil who are busy with their own lives and I really have nothing in common with my dd except my grandson anyway. I have an aquaintance or two in my neighborhood, but not social friends and don't want them in the neighborhood I live in. So, I don't even have an outlet for friends where I live now. I have several online friends, which I have a lovely and close relationship to and have never met. I have a wonderful husband and we do everything together so I don't miss friends here in town of my own gender too much. I tried joining a group and that went down the tubes when they were into their own little groups and didn't particularly welcome newcomers, although that is the aim of this particular "club." We also own one car because I cannot see having two car payments when I have no where to go and can use the car anytime I wish. Consequently, I stay at home in my home most of the time. I guess at my age, I don't mind it too much, but I do understand lonliness as I do get lonely sometimes, once in awhile I guess. I think we all have to find a comfort level for ourselves and if we aren't comfortable with how our life is, we need to work to change it. Find a group of knitters in your area, a book club, something of that nature to make new friends. Do some volunteer work, that helps to meet new people too! If you like playing cards, find a card club, bridge groups something of that nature.


04-16-2007, 01:22 AM
Me too.

04-16-2007, 01:29 AM
Ohhh I so know what your saying... I won't go into details, cause it'll just make me sad. I never really had a problem with the no friends thing (and its going on 15 years now - since I left high school, I haven't had a significant friend), but it's just lately I'm really starting to feel the loneliness and wish I had a female companion or two. I think because I've been stuck at home now for 3 years as a SAHM, that it's really hit me. I love my daughter, but I feel like I've lost the ability to speak 'adult' so it's quite hard to even start conversations with people nowadays.

I have a car that just sits in the driveway all day, every day, caues I've never learnt how to drive, and I think sometimes, if I could just get in it and go somewhere it would make all the difference.

I've had a couple of friends/acquaintances over the years that have come and gone, I seem to have quite high expectations of people I want as friends, and no-one has lived up to what I really believe a friend should be. Maybe that's my fault, but I don't think I should have to lower my expectations, or put up with a lack of respect from people I intimately choose to spend my life with (the last person I was getting close to and considered a friend broke into my house twice and helped herself to stuff, thinking I wouldn't mind, but seriously... WHAT THE!!). I don't even have family anymore, we are all oddly estranged, and I don't think that will change ever (my choice so I guess I can't complain).

Sigh... this too, shall pass, I'm sure. :verysad:

04-16-2007, 01:42 AM
hi my name is jeanie, and i too am a hermit. :teehee:
seriously though, it seems i am the type of person everyone likes, and when i was working, *everyone* liked to share thier problems and complaints with me. i am a great confidaunt (sp?), and a good listener as well as giving advice. i like to go out, but i love to get back home. i love love to just stay home even more. i dont like talking on the phone, and my family knows to get to the point or i zone out ( maybe its add?). we have a couple who are our close friends, and we even went on a trip to mexico with them in dec, but havent actually talked to them in months! i feel like a crappy friend :pout: i try to be more outgoing because i know i usually have a good time once i go out and relax, but i agree with a previous poster, i think alot of it is self esteem (for me at least :shrug: ) i am working on it. i am bad at keeping in touch with just about everyone. i try. :oops: maybe it will get easier with time!! :heart:

04-16-2007, 02:03 AM
I feel like I'm reading my own words lol.

My DH is the same way most of the time - feels distant from his old friends, as I do for the most part (we're married and we have an almost 3 y/o daughter, our old friends are mostly single and immature types). I don't work, so I don't have that possible opportunity to meet friends (although I never really tended to make friends at work when I did work, just wasn't a friend-making environment). My DH works a lot, so he has "friends" at work but not close ones.

I have managed to hold onto a couple of very dear friends, but I don't spend a lot of actual in-person time with them (one lives a few hours away now and the other is always working)...

I think it's sort of normal. I mean, one needs friends, but not dozens of them. As I get older, I find that I have less and less time for leisure, and when I have the time, I like to use it for things that make me happy, and the things that make me happy tend to be solitary pursuits. Sometimes I will go to a crop night at my scrapbook store or something but otherwise... :shrug:

04-16-2007, 05:22 AM
Former hermit here.

As a psychology major I know it isn't healthy to not have some form of friends. The more interests and friends a person has the happier and more fulfilled s/he feels.

DH is a major hermit. He has no friends and is very content that way. He wants me that way too.

About 4 years ago I made sure to get out of the house at least once a week or so and hang with a lady friend, even if it was at her house w/ her kids.

We move around a lot so it is difficult to make and keep friends. I still have a friend from grammar school. We don't see each other often b/c she is a SAHM. However, we make dates so she can have a break from the usual grind. We have fun doing nothing and eating out.

Now I rely on my knit group for some company.

It's worth it to make the effort for real life friends. I have learned to appreciate the people for what they do for me. They don't have to be perfect, just nice. I need the support group just to vent, laugh, and have a break.

04-16-2007, 06:26 AM
I'm a hermit too. As a child my family moved around a lot so I've never had any long term friends or connections.

I have several online friends I've met and stuff and they're great but the one who lves closest to me lives an hour away and I can't drive and don't often have the money to get the train to go and see her. She does drive but she's always busy and has one child in school and one in nursery so has to be there to pick them up at different times.

I have friends from college I sort of keep up with but we don't often talk anymore. And since I'm the only one who is married with a child I don't feel we have much in common anymore.

Then there's the fact that I'm a SAHM. As I said before I can't drive so I find it hard to get out...especially being on a budget, it's not always practical to be shelling out for public transport so most of the time I'm limited to places within walking distance.

But the thing is I suffer from anxiety sometimes and find it hard to go to new places. I have tried to make an effort and taken my DS to a couple of baby groups but I didn't click with any of the people there. I'm going to try again though as there's a new centre opened up near us.

I'm quite happy with my DH and family for company though on the whole. I just want to try and get over my anxiety of doing new things. :pout:

04-16-2007, 08:37 AM
I think I need to join the hermit club also! We moved to a new state and the only people I know are the parents from my middle daughters preschool, and the only time I see them is drop off/pick up time. The house we are renting right now, well I can see 3 houses and they are not exactly close by. I have joined a knitting group but have only made it to 2 of those so far. And it might be a little clickish but I will try a few more times and see how it goes. There is another one I want to try at a library to see how that one is. At our old house, I have more friends there but they were all my neighbors so it wasn't really hard, that and I took my first knitting class with one of them so that made it even easier. I still have my old friends (well, 2 of them) from high school but they are 3000 miles away so its kinda hard to stay close with them now. What makes matters worse is we still need to find a house and buy it so this place here is not exactly "home" yet. We may end up moving 50 or so miles so I think that I am not really all that invested in making friends right now.

Knitting has helped though, if I did not want to get out of here and go knitting somewhere, I really would never get out of here except for Emily's preschool.

Someday, maybe I will have some close friends but until then I am fine.

04-16-2007, 09:15 AM
Another hermit here.

Two of my friends are back home in Mexico and I rarely get to chat with them. In Colorado I left another friend, who lacks a phone and a working pc at the moment.

Here in Rapid, my closest acquaintance is my bf, but he spends the better part of each year doing stuff in other countries and since he's a bit of a hermit too, he spends a lot of time playing video games at his place.

I keep telling myself that I need to go out more and meet people, but after I'm done with schoolwork and work I'm usually too wiped out too try.

What do I do instead?
A lot of knitting and crocheting a lot of web surfing and a lot of movie watching.
I collected movies when I was in CO., and now have a good stash to pick from.

04-16-2007, 09:27 AM
Another confessed hermit here. I never had many close friends in school and once I graduated I literally never saw them again. My DH and I have been married for 40+ years and we've relied on each other for support and companionship. Good, but maybe not so good. He tends to be critical of people (may be I am too) and we never developed any close relationships with other couples. We'd go to church but never got involved with the groups there.

Even people who would try to build a relationship with me I would avoid. I guess I always thought I was imposing on their time or felt like an outsider in a new group. I don't do knitting groups cuz I'm sure I'd feel like I was imposing on people. I'm sure all of this has a basis in a self-esteem problem.

Sadly, my DD is the same way. She just moved to a new city for her job and she's pretty much alone. I sometimes think that's why she changed colleges, too, from a room and board campus about 90 miles from home to a local commuter university.

May be we should just all talk to one another here so we don't feel so alone. LOL!

04-16-2007, 10:09 AM
Well, I'm not exactly a hermit, but I'm not exactly the social butterfly, either. I am very shy and a little socially awkward, but I do try to be social every now and then. Friday nights I usually go to knit group or go out to dinner with friends. Last Friday we had great Ethiopian food. Every now and then we'll go out for a drink or just have a glass of something in one of our apts. I think it's really important for me, and it's a hard thing to do, but I must try. Sometimes I feel like that socialization thing that everybody has, you know, the basic knowledge on how to meet people, I just never learned that. I need more single friends, too. I'm getting to the age where everyone is married or at least paired up. But as bad as I might be with friends, I'm worse with boyfriends, and never had a real relationship.

Do you know about meetup.com? It has a bunch of groups in different cities. You find a group for your interests (like knitting, or anything else), and you meet with local people. It's a good avenue for just getting out, and conversation is easier cuz you at least have some common starting ground.

All you need is one decent friend who also likes to do things and from there you guys can go out to try new things together.

Oh, I also wanted to say that it's harder to be social in some countries than in others. The U.S. I think is particularly . . . cold. I mean, no one talks to anyone they don't know. People think you're crazy or creepy if you do that here. When I was vacationing in the Phillipines, I always had people to talk to, though I went there alone. Same thing for South Africa and Zimbabwe. Dublin, too, and even Edinburgh wasn't so bad. Korea, not so much, in great part, I'm sure, because of my poor Korean, but still easier than here.

04-16-2007, 10:19 AM
So today, after yet ANOTHER argument with a friend of mine, I began to take a good hard look at my life.

I notice I don't have any real, honest, friends. The girl I fought with is someone I have known since grade 10, and we have always had a love/hate friendship for the last 7 years. She is my closest friend right now, and truth be told, I don't really like her all that much.

I have a teeny group of friends (3) I never see, don't want to see, never talk to and when I do go anywhere with them, I can't wait to get home.

that's not what friends are! Not by any fault of their own. They seem to like me, and enjoy my company, I just don't have anything in common with them anymore. It seems I have changed... Not dramatically, I have always been somewhat of a recluse, but lately, it has become blaringly obvious, that I don't want to have anything to do with them... But I have no one else as a friend.

It never bothered me before until tonight, when I realized I have no one but my mom and FH. I suddenly felt really lonely.

Anyone else here a hermit? Or a former hermit? I don't wanna grow old with no one to talk to, (Tho FH is amazing and wonderful... it would be nice to have a woman for a friend)

I know alot of people made some of their best friendships from College or their Work... well, the one friend I made in college who I adore to the ends of the earth lives about 6 hours away, and work is full of teens and really old ladies who are bitter they have to work still...

sigh* I just feel so lost.


I'm in the same boat , only I have no friends.
My mom is deaf in one ear so talking on the phone, like two chatty kathys , is out of the question. And forget about my MIL and SIL's. I can't stand them and they hate me.
Only one I have to talk with is my hubby. I can only talk about so many things with my 12 yr old.
Yes, I do get lonely for that best girlfriend . Which I'm sure I would have if only the friends that I have had didn't stab me in the back. For some odd reason every girl that I have had as a friend would get jealous of me. Which I really don't know why. :shrug:
Owning a journal is helpful for getting crap out of your system that you want to keep secret or that you feel isn't worth telling .

04-16-2007, 10:21 AM
I'm a hermit and don't think there is anything wrong with it. I can think of nothing I'd rather do than spend the weekend home with my DH and my dogs and not see another living soul. I think part of it is that as a Nurse I spend 5 days a week taking care of other people, smiling and being friendly. I love my patients but on my down time I really just want to be at home where it's quiet and I don't have to SMILE all the time. I have "girlfriends" but don't generally spend alot of time talking on the phone or doing things with them.

I'm quite happy being a Hermit!!!! I am not lonely at all, I have lots of hobbies and itnerests and my pups are always there (amd ,y sweetie).

04-16-2007, 01:55 PM
The CBC ran a program a little while ago on how our culture is ignoring people who are introverts, or "hermits" as you're putting it. It's really interesting. (Click HERE (http://www.cbc.ca/sunday/2007/01/012107_4.html) for the video.)

To sum it up, if you're an introvert, you only consider very deep friendships to be your "friends", you feel dead tired after many social situations and don't want to participate in them, and your activities are usually solitary (knitting, anyone???). Being an introvert is completely normal, but isn't really recognized because the North American culture rewards extroverts.

The video really struck a chord with me, how the one professor is an introvert, and has awesome fun lectures, but has to tell his students not to bother him outside of scheduled times because he doesn't handle people one-on-one very well unless he's prepared. It sounds like me needing to know plans with people a while in advance so I can be "ready" for it.

Watching it cleared up a couple of things for me. Maybe other people will recognize themselves as introverts as well. Thought I'd throw it out there.

04-16-2007, 02:01 PM
The video really struck a chord with me, how the one professor is an introvert, and has awesome fun lectures, but has to tell his students not to bother him outside of scheduled times because he doesn't handle people one-on-one very well unless he's prepared. It sounds like me needing to know plans with people a while in advance so I can be "ready" for it.

WOW, did that strike a chord with ME!!!!!!!!!! I see 35 patients a day in groups of 5 for one hour Cardiac Rehab classes. I am always being told what a "bubbly outgoing" personality I have and my patients think I'm great (or so they say :oops: ). Part of my job is to keep them motivated to exercise and make life style changes to help their heart disease. But it's like the minute the day is over I'm totally exhausted and the LAST thing I want to do is carry on a conversation with ANYONE!!!!!!!!!

04-16-2007, 02:18 PM
I realized this about myself while planning my wedding. Before I moved to the town I am now in I had lots of friends, we went out all the time, camping etc and I was on the board of the SPCA. I moved and went away to grad school and when I came back everything was different. Then I got engaged etc etc. My best friends live in CA and NY and I am in VA. So what did I do...I gathered up some of my co-workers wives whom I knew casually and we started have girls days out for lunch and shopping or a movie, wine tasting etc. Then we all signed up for an 8wk pottery class together. Oh and I also go one evening a month to my LYS for a knitting night. I can't say as though I've made any new best friends or anything, but it is nice to have an outlet. I am also looking into working with my local SPCA although they seem to be in constant turmoil.

04-16-2007, 03:10 PM
Well the best thing to do is to join something.

Is there a knitting club nearby? A book club? A political party? A church or temple? A charity?

Whatever your passion, do it!

I used to be quite the hermit. I am now a volunteer hairdresser at a youth program here. It's an outreach and kids (13-25) get to spend the incentive points they earn with good behavior and chores on getting cuts colors and whatever else. So I do that.

What else, I'm going to be volunteering at the Thursday outreaches at my church, I attend a united church and it is totally awesome on Thursdays because united churches help absolutely everyone and turn no one away so you really get a perspective of where you are in life! Helping others out is just an insane booster for everything. It just feels so good!
I went a couple times and I'm just working on a plan to get more youth back in church with the outreach and the help they offer.
Gangs are a real huge problem and so is prostitution here in downtown Hamilton.
I don't care what they believe in, a church showing them that they can do better helps even if they don't stay in church. I'm actually a Buddhist!

I love my prenatal classes, the ladies there love us! I sat the whole thing with this lady who just kept telling me how awesome my knitting was when she saw my puppy hat that I was working on at the meeting.

What else? Learn to dance. Take yoga, join a gym. Get a dog and go to the park.
Take up a sport. Go shoot your finance with a paint ball gun, that is sooo fun.
Serve food at the soup kitchen!

You don't have kids yet?
Well wow they're a great way to meet people, my two year old just walks up to other kids and hugs them, and then I end up meeting the parents.

I'm a happy go lucky I'll talk to and be friends with anyone kind of guy so it's not hard for me to make friends but I'm also volunteering a lot, getting out and doing things with my kid and I'm very used to being with people.

I'm not too attached to anyone I meet but sometimes someone sticks around and when it comes to really good friends all you need is a couple.

Remember, one with a truck, one with a cabin and one with a boat or off road vehicle. :teehee:

04-16-2007, 03:25 PM
I think that these days more adult people are "hermits" as opposed to being extroverted. Or at least I find that people who aren't single and "looking" tend to spend most of their free time at home doing relatively solitary things.

I moved here in 1999 so don't have any old school friends in my town...or even in my country! (I'm american.) I've made a few fairly casual friends -and some acquaintances that we will occasionally invite over to barbecue in the summer...but most of my good friends are online. In fact, I've made one very close friend through a cat forum. She lives in Australia, I live in Germany. We chat on the phone once in a while, but we've never met in person. But I still consider her a friend!!

What I'm trying to say is that you shouldn't feel like you're weird or anything... Just look at this thread and see how many people live exactly the way you do!! :hug:

04-16-2007, 03:28 PM
It is one thing to be a hermit, choosing to be alone and enjoying it. It is another thing to want companionship and not have it.

My hubby and I went through the oh-so-typical first years of marriage (like 10) where we just couldn't find a couple to be friends with. Either I wouldn't like one of the two or he wouldn't like one of the two. We tried out so many couples over the years. Luckily about 5 years ago, my best friend started dating a man that my husband actually got along with. Now they are married, and when school is out, we practically all live together. We are all so close that when they talk about moving (which they talk about now and then) I actually start to worry. And think maybe we'll move too! :-)

The point is, it took 10 years! And my best friend is the only friend I have had consistently during my adult life. We met in college and then we lived in different cities and didn't really talk for a couple years. When I moved back to the area, we just picked up from where we left off.

Here is the situation: it is almost impossible to hand out with friends who don't have a similar life to you. As one of the old ladies on the board and having been married for 15 years, you don't want to hang out with single girls if you're married. And when you have kids it is very difficult to hang out with people who don't have kids. (until, like us, your kids are older). The best way to meet people is just like we do here. Find someone with similar lifestyle or similar interest. I like the previous poster who talked about groups. And for you SAHMs, you have to make a little time for yourself. You are doing the most important job that any person can do. It is a big responsibility and very stressful. You deserve a break now and then! Go to a fitness class, go to a knitting group, a book club. Put yourself out there!

I get almost as much satisfaction from my time here as I do from time with my "real life" friends.

04-16-2007, 05:07 PM
Where's the little hermits anonymous picture? :rofl: I wouldn't call myself a hermit, but I would consider myself one that doesn't have many close friends. I've moved a few times in the last 3 years, and in my first major move cross country, I lost some friends which I would have assumed I'd stay friends with regardless of our states, but that was not the case. So, with moving around a few times, I've made/lost friends. And just recently I moved again, to Southern California. I have a friend or two at work, but no one that I'd really confide in or hang out with. My boyfriend & I spend a lot of time together, sometimes going places, and other times just hanging out, and it's great, and frankly, I don't mind that it's just us. But, he has his guy friends which he hangs out with at times, leaving me alone. I'm thankful that I'm learning to knit, because before, I'd be really bored when he was out or working late. Now, I don't mind it as much.

I'd like to go out and meet people, but I'm a little afraid to just jump into a group with a bunch of "strangers". In fact, I was a little nervous at my 1st knitting lesson :oops: .

To whoever posted meetup.com, thank you! There seems to be a knitting group in my town, which I might check out if I get the guts to actually show up :hiding:


04-16-2007, 05:09 PM
Well speaking as an extrovert I might suggest you look at the library for some books about being an introvert. I know there are a few, my husband is an introvert and has read them and has thus confirmed himself to be introverted. I recently found out one of my co-workers is also a confirmed introvert. When discussing it with her, and she is a wonderful person I might add, I found her responses to people to be very similar to my husbands.

In my husbands case he is not anti social, but selectively social. He chooses to be with us, (me and two kids) and after years of working towards it he no longer works with the public. He is in a moderte sized company but his particulary department has only like 5 people including him so he doesn't have to deal with a lot of people. His friends and good buddies are some of the same co-workers and a few friends from the bike shop he frequents. He bikes alot. (He has more bikes and bike related things than I have yarn). After 14 years of marriage I have slowly (very slowly being that I'm extroverted) come to understand that people simply wear him out. And he truly enjoys quiet time. For example he usually is up much later than me, when we are all in bed that is his quiet time. He likes solitary biking. Rarely bikes with a friend or in group bike activites. Quiet time allows him to reenergize. An extroverted person reenergizes with socializing. He will go to family events and "required" events but he always complains about it, often sits in a corner or tries to occupy himself in a more solitary way. For example if people are at our house he cooks, I visit. Personal beleifs aside- he would never want to go to church. He also will not help with the kids school activites, but will come to special events and performances (see the required things). Often he seems rude, he avoids activites and places where there are to many people. He frankly expresses that he doesn't want to waste his time with people he has no interest in or nothing in common with. If he had no one to talk to for weeks on end I think he'd be perfectly happy. I don't think he participates in internet forums either.

I think in society there is a greateer expectation for women to be social. You might try to determine if you are truly introverted or need more social contact, or depressed, or just in a rut.

Oh, and no matter how extroverted I am, it IS hard to make good long lasting friends no matter what. People are busy. Work interferes. I have lots of casual/work friends- but they are not people I usually bring troubles to. Then I have two very treasured friends of 20 years both of whom live much to far away!

04-16-2007, 05:16 PM
My mom once told me that she had read, that most of the time, you will only be able to count your true friends on one hand, because they are so hard to find. That has been very true for me.

The last long term friends I had were back in High School, but we parted ways well before college came about. My husband and I met when we were in High School through his sister that I worked with. He has honestly been my best friend ever since. My mother has also been one of my best friends.

I feel that I would love to have some female friends, but like some of you, it turns out we are never on the same page. They are either a little older or wanting kids, or younger in the mind sets, or we just can't seem to stay in touch. I find I am only willing to chase someone for so long before I decide it is not worth my time to be the one who shows all the interest in pursuing the friendship.

In the end, I would say my husband is similar to I. We feel we have each other as best friends and we love our babies- our cats!!!

We have a few groups we go out with, but it has never been like some couples who have that one couple or one girlfriend they hang out with. We had his sister and her husband before they moved, and they always seemed like they were on the same page, but since they have moved we only recently have started hanging out with a few couples.

But like some of you, when you work a long week and you see people everyday- it's nice just to come home and work on your hobbies and be with your family.

Also, like some of you had suggested, I often involve myself with knitting lessons, quilting classes and other ways of interacting with people who have the same interest.


04-16-2007, 05:20 PM
Hermit by choice. I have my husband as my best friend, if something happened to him I'd go it alone. I've been burned WAY too many times by people I thought were my friends to become chummy with anybody else. Seems I'm real good at being there for everybody (car rides, crying on my shoulder about their spouses, walk their dogs, pick up their mail, etc. etc. etc.) but when I need something these people are all too busy to help out. Friendships aren't one way streets. Bah! I'm pretty happy the way I am now.

04-16-2007, 07:00 PM
Definitely a hermit here! I'm very introverted, and it takes a good while for me to feel comfortable with people. Combine that with being a military brat and moving every 2-3 years, and I just got used to being by myself. I've gotten better about getting out of my shell, but I still need my nice quiet alone time.

04-16-2007, 07:01 PM
I am a hermit! I have never had a lot of friends at one time growing up. It's not that I am unlikable, but I've never really been one to talk a lot on the phone or make dates to hang out with people. I've always had my best friend and another friend when I was younger but hardly anyone else. Usually it was only one friend at a time and only ocassionally did I see them - like on the weekends or something.

Now, I still have my best friend but I talk to her about 1-2 times a month. I also have my boyfriend, but I don't really count him as a "friend". I'd like to have more friends, but I am still the type of person that would rather only hang out with one or two people at a time.

I've just always liked the intimacy of knowing someone for who they are (which most people are not when with more than 2 people).

That, and, well, it's hard to find people with similar views and interests as myself. I'm not the "norm" for my age group. So I tend to have older friends.

It's not a weird thing to be a hermit, there are many of us out there! I'd suggest finding one or two people that you genuinely do like to be with from time to time. Only because, at least for me, I go crazy not seeing other people for large amounts of time that don't see eye to eye with me. (Like I haven't had "friends" for about almost a year now. It stinks not having at least one person once a month - different than my lifetime friend and boyfriend - to hang out with or talk to. Even on a reg. basis)

04-16-2007, 07:33 PM
In my husbands case he is not anti social, but selectively social.

This sounds more like me - selectively social. I do try to get together with my closest female friend once a week or so, at least every 2 weeks, whether it's for dinner or drinks or even just watching tv at my house. And I try to get to a crop at my scrapbook store once or twice a month.

I think a big part of this is how undervalued family is in this country -- my husband and my daughter are my best friends in the world, then my parents and my in-laws. I choose to dedicate most of my socializing time to these people, then what's left to other friends.

And I definitely agree with whoever it was who said it's a lot easier to be friends with people who are in the same place in life as you are - my single friends and I still like each other, we just have nothing in common anymore. Just like I had no idea how to relate to married people when I was single, or parents when I was not.

04-16-2007, 08:08 PM
I'm a hermit too.
All my "close" friends are at least halfway across the country, and the people I occasionally see here are moving.
I don't much mind, as I got sick of trying when I was living in CA and only ever met junkies or stockbrokers, or junky stockbrokers, and don't think I've quite recovered yet. Now I just want a puppy. :roll:
But also, is there anyone on this board in your area?
Everyone here seems nice and relatively sane! :teehee:

04-16-2007, 09:11 PM
Even though I am only 13, I have always been shy and never one to go out and socialize. I've never had many friends and only have 1 really good friend that I usually get together with on weekends. Sometimes I don't want to get together with her but I do it anyway, knowing I need to get out and just do something. My dad is always asking me if I want to get together with my friend, but I never make an effort to call and she is always the one to call first. Sometimes I think I'm being a bad friend, but then i realize I just don't want to get together and would much prefer to stay at home by myself. I think I'm "socially select", because I'd rather keep to myself than go out in a social group. Being in a big group sort of scares me, because I'm always worried about what I'm going to say or if I won't have enough to say, which certainly happens. It just seems as if I don't click with other people my age, as I think I'm more mature than them. Finding the right friends has always been hard for me.
I also have an incident when I went away for a week-long sleep away camp and was homesick after two days because I missed my family so much and I was with other people all the time. I know it's a problem of being so hermit-ish at my age but I can't help it, and I do try sometimes to get out with my friend and have a good time though it is hard.

04-16-2007, 11:47 PM
Fellow hermit here! :waving:

I was never really much of a hermit until we moved from Georgia to Texas. I didn't know anyone here and my husband, being a pilot, was gone a lot. After being here for 2 yrs, we have found a few good friends. And now we're moving 3 hours away. So we have to start all over again! I do have some wonderful friends from college that I keep in touch with, but they are all back home and either pregnant or have a small baby. I've been dealing with infertility, so that pulls me even farther away from them. I saw my high school best friend a few weeks ago on a trip back home. We hadn't seen each other in about 2 yrs. The meeting was a disaster - she didn't even understand what I was about anymore. She was completely superficial and I was ready to :!!!: at her, but being in public, I kept my cool. I know we'll always be friends, but it will never be like it was. The best couple we met was through an infertility support group. We were close in age and were at the same place in our lives.

It's okay to be a hermit, but as long as you have someone in your life that you can talk to - be it a spouse, girlfriend, family, or even an online buddy - then I say go for it. And my animals are my best friends. They love me unconditionally and they don't talk back! :teehee:

At least if we're going to be hermits, us KHers can all be hermits together! :cheering:

04-17-2007, 11:05 AM
:hug: :hug: :muah: :muah:

Thank you so much for posting this thread. I, too, am a fellow hermit and I'm proud of it. Of course it took me quite a few years to get to this point in my life.

I was raised to always depend on your friends, not family. Which to this day has had severe reprocussions with my psychological development.

Meaning, all my friends I had when I was growing up, left. I had tons of friends--and then they were gone. They moved away, one by one. My final breaking point was my junior yr of highschool. My last best friend moved to florida. I think it was at that point that I started to pull away from that "depend on your friends" mentality. I don't understand why my parents (mainly my mom) thought that that was the right thing to do :?? To this day she tries to make our family close when it's really too late. Whenever we all get to the same place at the same time she tries so hard to make it work that she ends up in a bundle of tears because it never goes the way she planned.

I am perfectly content being a hermit, my DH is the extrovert. Well, maybe he's 75-25. More of an extrovert and less of an introvert. We get along great. I'm so glad I have him. :heart:

We don't have any friends either. It's just the 2 of us and we like it that way. We did try the whole "couple's friends" thing, but it just never worked out.

I was told all my life that being quiet and reserved was wrong. It took me a very long time to learn that it is just fine being introverted!!!

So I am here to say loud and proud...............I'M A HERMIT!! :cheering: :cheering: :cheering:

04-17-2007, 03:21 PM
Add me to your list :teehee: I always had lots of friends in highschool, but I was never really "cool enough". I have always been shy, and definatly socially awkward(?sp). After highschool I still kept lots of friends, then after I met the man who later became my husband, the few friends I had just trickled away, which was not my fault, I tried to keep in touch but once I was no longer in the singles scene they didnt want me :verysad: Anyway, I did make lots of friends at my job, then had a baby and lost most of them too. That was probably my fault, I never felt a great need to be with people other than my family, and didn't like leaving my baby when he was very young. I do have many days where I wish I had more friends, but for the most part I like being by myself. I would definatly like to make some knitting friends, but my current work and home schedual doesn't leave much time, oh well. So is life. KH has been nice for me :heart:

04-17-2007, 03:46 PM
I would likely be a sort of hermit if left to my own devices. It's truly a miracle that I am anything but. I have a close-knit (ha!) group of friends. One is my best friend for more than 10 years and the others are all very dear to me. We e-mail constantly and we're blessed to live (for the most part - a couple are long-distance) in the same area. We get together every Tuesday night and usually have a sort of laid back party every 2 weeks or so. I have very little social energy, though, so between that and church, I'm pretty much useless for anything extra-curricular after that. Going back to school in the fall may kill me dead. ^_^

04-17-2007, 04:08 PM
Hermit by choice. I have my husband as my best friend, if something happened to him I'd go it alone.

Same here. My DH is the only person on Earth whose company I truly enjoy. I've come to realize that I just don't like people, in general. I prefer dogs. :mrgreen:

I used to be sociable when I was young. One piece of advice I have is to keep work relationships at work. Don't mix your work life with your personal life. I'll probably get flamed for writing that, but I'm old enough to know that it's true. :wink:

04-17-2007, 07:34 PM
I am a total hermit. I live in a duplex, and have not said more than 2 words to the woman who lives downstairs the whole 5 years she has lived here. I don't talk to any of my neighbors.
I was very very shy as a child and it was hard for me to make friends, so I never really had any. During grade/junior high school, I had one or two other girls that I talked to at school and I guess you could say we were buddies. In high school, I had only one person I would consider a real friend. We lost touch after graduation though. Honestly, I don't really care though. (Is that awful of me?) I really have no friends, I must say. I have my boyfriend of almost 11 years, so I am not totally alone. He is kind of a loner too. We never have people over or go out with other couples. He actually travels often for his job, and works out of town. So except for our 4 cats, I am pretty much alone all the time. It really doesn't bother me, and I never feel lonely. But that is just me. I am a very private person, so having a lot of people in my life just doesn't feel right to me. I like being able to do whatever I want, whenever I want. I absolutely relish my peace and quiet, I can't stand when I have to be around people and make conversation. People are just not my deal. My motto is "Take me anywhere, as long as there is a quiet corner I can hide in"!

04-17-2007, 08:18 PM
Hermit by choice. I have my husband as my best friend, if something happened to him I'd go it alone.

Same here. My DH is the only person on Earth whose company I truly enjoy. I've come to realize that I just don't like people, in general. I prefer dogs. :mrgreen:

I used to be sociable when I was young. One piece of advice I have is to keep work relationships at work. Don't mix your work life with your personal life. I'll probably get flamed for writing that, but I'm old enough to know that it's true. :wink:

wow I didn't think I would get so many replies!

Looks like I am not alone at all. And I can totally relate to what everyone said.

The more I really think about it, I don't necessarily want friends. I LOVE my alone time and I have everything I really need in my FH. The one person in all the world I hate to be without and can't wait to get home to. I love the little family we have made together.

Friend wise, I always thought I was soo totally messed up to not have any social inclinations. But it seems I was wrong.. so wrong. I don't feel so alone, knowing that being a hermit is much more relatable for some people.

I have just been having a difficult time with the few friends I do have. I have specific reasons for not wanting to be around them. They all smoke. Like chimneys. I cannot stand smoking. I'm the only one they couldn't get to start. So where alot of people have no issue just hanging out with their friends watching tv, or a movie and what not... I cringe... I am more prone to see them in the summer months when we are all outside or poolside, coz then the smoke doesn't bother me as much.

But even then, I would still rather be home. I always enjoy myself at home, I can do what I want when I want, and I have the best company in my FH and our 3 kitties... No pressure to keep up conversation, or meet random people...

I think that is another issue I have with my friends.. I am the only one who is truly happy in life. There is a couple things I could tweak, but they don't bother me enough to hamper my happiness.

Most of them still live at home, rent free, hate their jobs, or in one instance, has never had a job or had to work for anything in life... She's the bitterest of them all. They get together often to bitch and drink and smoke...Or they wanna go out to get away from home... I can't wait to get home...

I guess so long as you are really happy in how your life is, it doesn't really matter how many or how little friends you have. Tho I can't tell you what I would do if anything happened to FH... I have grown accustomed to living alone, with him... don't know if I could live alone without....

thank you guys so much. I realize I am really not alone. :heart: :heart:

05-10-2007, 04:48 PM
I've finally come to the point where I embrace my "hermitness".

I've tried to make friends, but most of the time I end up getting hurt, or saying the wrong thing. Also, most of the girl "friends" I've had in the past didn't like me the way I was. They always wanted to change me.

I guess I'm just no good at real friendships. I'm fine with casual relationships, but nothing much deeper than that.

But, I REALLY TRULY love my husband, and we are SO compatible together. I've never had a relationship like this with anyone else in the world. Not even with my own children.

He has a hermit personality also, so we live together happily in our little shell.

I'm sure if something ever happens to him, I'll be devastated. :pout:

The good thing is that I have LOTS of online friends here in the KH forum.
:muah: :heart: :muah:

05-11-2007, 09:49 AM
I'm slowly coming to terms with my hermitness too. It used to bother me that I didn't want to be around people because I watched my sister, who is the total oposite, have this bubbly personality and always having people around here and I wanted that too. Now I know I didn't want that because I truely wanted it myself but more because it was expected, it meant you are popular and it would have made me fit within the "norm" so to speak.

Every now and then I still feel that way and then I ask myself: do you really want to be around all these people or do you just want that because evyerone has that? and it's always the latter of those two. So I've now decided that for me to be normal means that I need alone time.

I'm a lot like how one of you decribed your husband: alone time charges me and makes me happy and content. I can be social but I need to know upfront so I can "prepare" myself for the effort of the smalltalk and what not.
People often tell my boyfriend after an social event, that they think I'm a nice lady, levelheaded and so very friendly so I guess I must be faking it rather well :)

But to be honest: I don't really like fact that it costs me so much energy to interact with people. I don't even think I could live with my boyfriend 24/7 and he is one of the few people I can take almost anything from.
This sometimes causes problems because we've been together for over 3 years and for him living together would mean the next step in making it more serious (we're both over 30 so maybe he has a point). Sofar he's been patient in waiting untill I'm ready and I worry I may let him down at some point because I don't see this living-together thing happen any time soon.
I have told him that when we first got involved and he said it wasn't a problem but I can see it slowly becoming one...

Anyway, my point being: for me there is a HUGE difference between being alone and being lonely and if being alone doesn't make you lonely, I think there isn't that much to worry about.

05-11-2007, 01:06 PM
This is a great discussion. :heart:

When I got married at 19 years old, I was always so worried about what people thought of me. I wanted to be accepted and loved the way I was, but most people didn't treat me well. My first husband was very mean to me, always criticizing me, and telling me that my hair was all wrong, my clothes were all wrong. I think he was mostly upset, because he wanted us to "fit in" with everyone else, and I was different.

He was ALWAYS bringing people home from college or work to visit us. It was exhausting for me to deal with all these different people all the time. I thought something was wrong with me, because I was always uncomfortable with the visitors.

But, now I know myself better, and realize that it was not my nature to want to be with people all the time.

I heard a radio talk one evening on NPR where a psychologist said that some people RECEIVE energy from being in a crowd, and others LOSE energy in a crowd. My first husband was the first type, and I was the second type. That's why we had so much trouble getting along. :roll:

Needless to say, our marriage did NOT last. We were just too different. He married someone else, and they are much better suited to each other. They have people over all the time, and seem to enjoy it.

I don't mind visiting with people occasionally, but if I do it too often, I start to go wacky inside. I NEED my alone time.

When I met Marvin 7 years ago, I finally found my soulmate. He and I both prefer to be alone. So, we are happy as clams together. :)

05-11-2007, 01:19 PM
I'm glad the topic starter started this topic :heart:

It shows, yet again, that people come in all shapes and sizes and that ususally there are others just like you but you just don't know about this.

I knew there were others who don't get energy from being around other people but that there are so many just in this group alone already, I had no idea!

I hope it makes you feel a little better to see that you aren't the only one :)

05-11-2007, 01:40 PM
I knew there were others who don't get energy from being around other people but that there are so many just in this group alone already, I had no idea!

I've always said that we "antisocial butterflies" are a silent minority, but maybe we're actually in the majority and we're just too quiet and self-conscious about it?

Social folks are threatened by hermits. That's why they try to make us feel bad about not wanting to "get together" all the time. They need other people to feel complete, but we don't. If we become more secure (and vocal) in our solitary ways, we're going to give those outgoing types all kinds of grief. Not on purpose, of course, it's just how we are. :D

Can you imagine how different our society would be if solitude was as accepted as socializing? :noway:

05-11-2007, 02:36 PM
Yup, hermit here! :teehee:

I can't really say it's a conscious choice, it just always happened that way. I spend a lot of time with my boyfriend, and I absolutely love the relationship we have together. Everything is easy with him! Otherwise, I'm not the type of person who will knock at a friend's door just for coffee and chat, because I don't like to talk about my personal life. I have 2-3 very good friends with whom I keep contact with. I must say however that when my neighbour, who is also a very dear friend, told me she was moving very far away, I was sad. But then again, I didn't do anything special, didn't invite her over more, or didn't go out more. :oops: I can't explain why... I think I'm just not like that. :shrug: However, she knows she is welcome in my house any time, and I know I can visit her too.

This friend told me extremely personal things and I know she would like me to do the same with her. But well, I just can't. When my ex-boyfriend and I broke up, I didn't tell anyone until it was all said and done. Nobody knew we had problems. And when I started going out with my current boyfriend, I didn't tell anyone until a few weeks after!

Everybody talk about the virtue of talking to friends about problems, but my experience is that problems can become a lot more complicated when you involve others. :shrug: First, I'm not sure it makes you see things more clear. Some friends who tell me their problems end up making up weird interpretations that have nothing to do with reality, and if you try to make them come back to reality, they hate it. :roll: Also, the "poor-poor-you" sometimes can be bad, as it puts you in a "victim's" position that can be too comfortable for people with affective problems. I hope I don't sound too unsensitive... :oops: I just think it's better to try to identify your feelings before going to a friend. Otherwise, it's rarely constructive. But well, maybe it's just me. :teehee:

05-11-2007, 03:02 PM
me too...right now i only have DH... leetah75.. and another buddy from singapore....that all...yup NAdja too...

i was bully alot during school days... so...i felt blessed to have them though...and the thought of knitting so much and breatheing fresh air every morning makes me a happy person...

anyone need some to vent or talk to ...Pm me...

05-11-2007, 04:46 PM
This has been a great thread - I wasn't sure what to call myself, but I'm thinking this hermit thing fits. I've always been quiet, and it took a long time for me to be okay with that. And like some of you, I ended up being hurt so often when I was younger that by the time I hit college, I had this gigantic wall around me. Early on, my friends always came to me with problems, but didn't necessarily give back, and didn't always count me in when they didn't need something. I got this need to be needed complex :?? And that's just not healthy! Even when I met my husband, I had a hard time seeing what he wanted from me - he didn't NEED me. :teehee: I've gotten better since then, though. I always have casual friendships at work, but those relationships end soon after the job does, no matter what my intentions. And now, with kids, I just don't have the time or energy. I sometimes feel like I should be one of those moms who have lots of friends with kids so there's a big playgroup for my kids, but I'm getting to the point where I want them to learn to be comfortable with themselves, and part of that is me being comfortable and accepting of me. I don't know - haven't completely resolved it yet, but it's nice to know I'm in such good company here!

05-11-2007, 05:37 PM
Me too....and Mister Krautie is a hermit too :D

Many years ago I loved to go to parties and had many friends...but then I became sick (Lyme disease) and the friends vanished.

I also lost my job and my hermit-time began.

And by and by the rare "social events" became annoying and boring to me.....everybody feels so really important and everybody is talking shallow. No, I don't need such events no more.

We live a very solitary life, but it's ok for us :D

We both have no problems with that and we do not feel lonely. We like to be alone at home and to have some peace and quiet. Often I switch-off the phone because I don't want to talk to "someone out there".

And though I do not go to work my life doesn't bore me! Every day I have thousand things to do and boredom? What's that??? :teehee:

05-11-2007, 05:45 PM
I am glad I started this topic too. I began this thread feeling so sad and left out and wishing I was different. Thinking there was something wrong with me. But you have all proven otherwise. The reason people may not know about the hermits so much is because... we are hermits. We don't need to tell people we are there, and have little desire too. So how else would anyone know?

Shandeh what you said is so true. About people getting or losing energy from crowds. I have always had to work myself up to go out with my friends. Even in high school. I always knew I'd enjoy myself, and stuff. But the idea of going out and talking and whatnot was exhausting enough... Actually doing it was doubly so.

I value the relationships I do have, but I value even more the fact that they aren't close enough to truly hurt me. I used to have true blue best friends (one at a time.), who I would trust everything too. And time after time I would get burned. Eventually I just stopped letting myself become very close with any one person. It was never easy for me to begin with, and after being burned it just seemed pointless...

I said it before, but I truly have what I need in my FH. He has the perfect matching personality to mine, and we live so easily. There was nothing difficult about 'us'. From day 1 it was just like breathing.

I have my social circle, but I keep them as online as possible. They drag me out a handful of times a year to 'party' and stuff, and in the summer I can live in my one friend's pool. (She invites me over, strictly for it. I am the only other person she knows who can sit in a pool for 10 hours and just float and that what she LOOOVEs to do.) It isn't so bad then because it is just me and her and it is outside and there is NO pressure to entertain or keep conversation. The pool does it all! lol.

I am getting rambly, but I am really glad to find out I am not alone after all.

:heart: :cheering:

05-11-2007, 05:48 PM
I am hermit! Have been for many many years. I have my hubby to keep keep me company. My Dad is at the end of a phone line whenever I need him but no one else.

I was in a sewing class, got really sick and although they all said they'd keep in touch not one did. The only friend I did have, well, sorta dumped me. I didn't feel like going out, had to start minding the pennies and she didn't like that and moved on. It was always a relationship that she benifited from some when I got upset, My hubby and Dad said I'd be better off.

If it wasn't for this forums 'Off Topic' section I would have no one to talk to. But I do miss girly chats, and no matter how much I go on at my DH he still won't let me paint his nails!!

Take comfort in this wonderful place, I know I do.

05-11-2007, 08:20 PM
I've met two of my closest friends right here on KH. Even though they are physically far away, I don't feel lonesome without them. I live in another part of the country from my mom, college best friend, and HS best friend... we don't get to see each other much, but when we do, we really make the most of our time.