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Mommy22alyns
07-03-2007, 11:37 AM
Does anyone else have trouble making friends IRL? I basically have no friends. I'll meet someone and think we could maybe be friends, but it never happens. I try putting myself out there but I always get rejected. I have to wonder what's wrong with me. I'm a mom, but I'm not the (stero)typical mommy. So 99.9% of moms I come across through Becca's activities just don't click. I don't know why, but I just feel so very different from them. It doesn't help that more than half of them already know each other well.

My latest blow - I was supposed to meet up with another woman for some needlework time. I went there, waited for about an hour, and nothing. She emailed me the next day or so and apologized that she'd gotten caught up in something else. I emailed her back saying it wasn't a big deal. No response. A week or so later, I called her, hoping to meet up again. I had to leave a message and I still haven't heard anything back - this was nearly 2 weeks ago.

I know she is super busy, but I thought she'd at least be able to shoot me a brief email. I don't want to put myself back out here yet again. I feel like I'm chasing these people down, begging them to be my friend. :pout: What makes me so detestable?

Feef
07-03-2007, 11:49 AM
I know exactly how you feel.

I too find it incredibly difficult to make friends. I won't presume to know you and diagnose you, so I'll just tell you about me.

I have walls around me that are made of titanium, are about 3 feet thick, and it takes an act of God or federal regulation for me to lower my walls so that people can get in.

Also, I usually don't trust well AT ALL. Or, I trust inappropriately. So I tend to choose untrustworthy individuals, only to be (duh) slapped in the face with my choices.

I'm told I appear cold and stand-off'ish, reserved, withdrawn, etc. I hate being looked at, am fearful in crowds of people, and my throat seems to close off when I try to speak to people.

The few that I did allow in, including my husband, all tell me I'm not at all what I think I am.

See, most of the time I *think* people won't like me. I'm either too old, too heavy, not smart enough, too smart, unlikeable, unloved, and alone. Therefore, I choose people who will confirm the lies my mind tells me.

I'm sorry I don't have answers for you, but I did want to let you know that you aren't alone.

As for a solution for you, I can only tell you that I had to learn to try to stop believing the lies I hear myself think and take a good, hard look at myself. I had to learn to stand firm in my beliefs, not to prostitute my principles, or twist myself into something I'm not so that others will like me.

When I did that, things began to get better.

I hope they will for you as well.

:hug:

Nobones
07-03-2007, 11:52 AM
Your not on own, I'm like you. I have a couple of 'friends' but I always calling them and I hardly ever see them. It's why I take comfort from this place, I have made so many friends, chat to people I actually have something in common with. When I had a problem I posted here and you guys were brilliant, and helped me through it. People here have shown me much more kindness that my so called friends here in Newport EVER had. They don't even like my knitting!

Why not find the closest KF member to you and see if you could meet up? I long to meet some of personally but seeing as I'm never likely to travel to the US, I'll make do with chatting to you all.

Kaydee
07-03-2007, 11:53 AM
I feel you, itís really hard to put yourself out there and make friends. I moved to Boston last year only knowing one other person here (a good friend I grew up with). I thought that I was going to become good friends with my roommate but we just didnít click. She doesnít like to talk to me and just sits in her room with the door closed all the time. Itís been hard for me to meet other people here besides the people Iíve met through my friend. Iím a fairly shy person at first when I meet someone so I think that makes things harder too. Iím sorry you feel down about this, Iíve been there before and it really stinks. Maybe you could try a knitting group to meet a bunch of people in a social setting. Lots of LYS have nights of the week that people come in and knit. It might help to meet people if youíre in a group, sometimes I find that easier. Whatever happens donít get too down, weíre always here for you.:hug:

figaro
07-03-2007, 11:57 AM
I relate to you so much! The ladies I have also met are through my girls schools and I thought we clicked only to not hear from them since school has been out. There were even a couple of them who asked for our contact information saying they wanted the kids to get together and nothing yet. We did go to a picnic with one of the parents at her house, but I kinda feel that the only reason we were invited was my husband is dutch (her husband is also dutch as were most of the people there). And she did not really talk to me all that much (I did try to talk to her). I have even tried going to a couple of knit groups, the first one it felt like I was out of place, I was the only one not knitting a sock and blogless. The second one, well I am not even sure when it meets again and it is a large one, the first meeting they had well over 35 people!

For now I have decided that I am not really going to put myself out there until we move to a house we own but I definitely understand where you are coming from! I think I would go crazy if it were not for Knitting Help!!:cheering:

Silver
07-03-2007, 12:06 PM
Welcome to the club! My friends consist of family... hubby, mom, sister, bro n sis in law. A few people that work with hubby, but they're just acquaintances. We hang out together from time to time, but it's just not the same as one true best friend. I don't have a girlfriend. I'd love a buddy that I could hang out with, go shopping with, chit chat with...

But it's my own fault. I'm kinda a homebody. I like to stay home or just do things with my family. I don't like clubs or bars because I hate being hit on, so I only go out drinking with DH.

I'm mourning the loss of my best friend actually. He (yes, he) didn't die, but he's become a self centered a-hole. Seriously. I can't even stand to be around him anymore. He was my best friend for 14 years, and I was his Best Man at his wedding. He's so not the same person he used to be. He only cares about himself now, and only calls if he needs a favor from me. :!!!:

Feef
07-03-2007, 12:11 PM
I'm mourning the loss of my best friend actually. He (yes, he) didn't die, but he's become a self centered a-hole.

Silver, I'm so sorry for the loss you're feeling. I'm grieving the loss of my best friend as well. She died on 12/30/06, at 53 years old. At home, on her couch, surrounded by her cats and her boyfriend.

{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}

Silver
07-03-2007, 12:16 PM
Thank you Feef. But seeing my friend turn into an a-hole is nothing compared to your loss. I'm so sorry. {{{{{{{{{{Feef}}}}}}}}}

Friskums
07-03-2007, 12:24 PM
I'm mourning the loss of my friendship with my ex-best friend too.
It's been almost 2 years since she flipped out and turned into a rancid b*tch on me.

I've been trying to find someone that I can be friends with on the level she and I were, but it's not easy.
I email people and they don't email back. They post that they want friends, but then they don't email me back. Doesn't make sense to me.
None of the people I work with click with me. They talk about shoes and parties and things like that. (Not that there's anything wrong with those things.)

I've been having a hard time lately with the fact that I don't have any really close girlfriends. I miss that relationship so much...

marykz
07-03-2007, 12:25 PM
I'll add my two cents- making new friends is hard. its hard work to find people you might remotely like- then hard work to keep making the connections to actually make a friend.

When I was in HS and college- we had endless hours and no responsiblilties so we had tons of free time to go out/ hang out with friends and talk hours about nothing, and find out all the little details about each other.

now that I'm employed, married and a mom, there just isn't that kind of time. (or frankly, interesting people). my "me" time is spent knitting, checking in with family, or friends I know well from long ago. I'm really really trying to make friends with a neighbor of mine. But it is so hard for each of us to find time to just sit and chat. (she has 3 kids, is in grad school etc.) We are very friendly and everything but I really hardly know her. but we are both making an effort to make contact every couple weeks. (i know- sad- she lives 2 houses down, and we harldy ever lay eyes on each other!)

The other moms at dd's school really aren't my type. we are pleasant acquaintences, and set up play dates, and like each other's kids, but I wouldn't just call any of them out of the blue to go get coffee or anything. in a former playgroup, I always felt left out. I just didn't fit in. This used to really bother me. but when I really thought about the people, I didn't really want to get to know them either. so we left the playgroup (without drama- it was just over for the season).

I guess I just want to say don't give up totally- but do try to keep working on those who are worthy of your time and effort.

hang in there, MKZ

JoeE
07-03-2007, 01:41 PM
I don't have a lot of friends IRL either, but in my case I think it's totally my fault. I'm close to my partner, my Mom, and my older sister, and at this point in my life that seems to be enough.

Friends are a lot of work. I hate to say that, because I know how crappy it sounds and what it says about me. When I was a kid and I'd complain that I didn't have any friends, my dad would always say to have a friend you've got to be a friend. That's the rub for me. I find it exhausting to invest the time and emotional energy into maintaining really intimate friendships. I tend to do better in a small group setting that I do with one-on-one relationships.

I've had a handful of what I considered really close friends over the years, but sadly, it didn't take very much for us to grow apart: changed jobs, changed churches, changed spouses, etc. At this point in my life, I seem to be pretty content with casual friendships with people at work and church.

KnittingNat
07-03-2007, 02:15 PM
I find it hard making friends too... I was shy and at school they thought i'm snobbish, go figure. I had a few friends during the teens that either "dumped" me for other people or used me as their crying pillow and i don't want to take it anymore. I have two great friends, one lives in Italy now and even though i haven't seen her for 2.5 years now, we chat and call each other on birthdays. The other friend lives in Jerusalem too and we meet rarely, but when we do - we're the best friends ever, supportive and caring. That's the kind of friendship that suits me - no pressure, but lots of love! I'm a very sitting-at-home-reading-a-book type of person and so is my hubby, we get very tired at work so it's really hard to maintain friendly relationships with other couples. My real turn with friendships was after our wedding, when i realized that many people i thought were my friends aren't. They never took the time to tell me they weren't coming or told 3 days before the wedding, when we already set the number of guests. These people didn't care about my feelings being hurt (i told them about the wedding 6 months in advance) or about my money being spent. They made silly excuses just to save the gift and the driving and never took the time even to call me afterwards. So i'm through with them. I prefer less which is more.
You should have more confidence in yourself and people will have the urge to be around you. Right now i'm not looking for new friends and there's a substitute working with me, whom i know from the university and suddenly she's totally crazy for me! I just become much more confident in myself and my opinions and that's what draws her, i guess.:hug::hug::hug:

AnnaT
07-03-2007, 03:20 PM
I'm like JoeE, in that my husband and my mother are simply enough for me at this point in my life.

Making friends is hard. It's hard to "break in" to already established groups.

I personally tend to attract crazy/extremely needy people. I don't know why that is, or what to do about it, and it makes me cautious.

Mommy22alyns, is there a knitting group in your area?

Mommy22alyns
07-03-2007, 04:04 PM
Mommy22alyns, is there a knitting group in your area?

Actually, it was a woman from that knitting group that I was supposed to meet at the library. :cry:

DQ
07-03-2007, 04:35 PM
I'm like that too >_< I'm more of a family person and I don't get out much without my husband. I do go to a couple of groups with my son but I've never managed to make friends with any of the other mothers :shrug::oops: I have been lucky enough to meet some people I've met online and become friends offline though, but the nearest (and I count her as my closest friend) lives an hour away and is incredibly busy at the moment.

Carla1019
07-03-2007, 05:03 PM
I'm in the same boat as you. My DH and Mom are my BF. But when my kids were younger,, around 5 and up to about the age of 10. I was real busy with their school. So I met a lot of lady who had the same age kids as me and where involved in school like me. So we would hang out, lunch, talk on the phone. But now that my kids are older, I don't do much with the school any more. I have lost contact with alot of them, except one, but we are not as close as we used to be. She started working and so did I.

so Mommmy2.. don't worry to much if it is YOU,, just know that they are busy with there life and maybe they like you, but just don't have time right now. I would not give up on a friend. Once your girls start school, I am sure they will find you. Just keep putting your self out there.

And the lady who did not show up.. I bet she feel real bad about not showing up and not returning your calls.. I bet she might not every show up for the next meeting at the LYS.

Eloewien
07-03-2007, 05:07 PM
I don't have many friends either... my best friend from HS is so far away we barely talk...
About a year and a half ago, my closest friend at the time turned my life upside down. I had been helping to give her 24 hour home care when she became bedridden for a time, and they put her on a medication that made her manic. Unfortuantely, after a week of her talking nonstop, her husband and I decided to take her to the hospital ER because we couldn't take it anymore. They put her in the psych ward that night... by 8am they had a court order keeping her there and there was nothing we could do to get her out for two weeks. She never forgave us and walked out about two months later to visit her parents for a weekend and never came back. She never really spoke to us again, though I tried to call her. I felt so betrayed... I had almost lost my job when I was trying to care for her and she ended up in the hospital... it's been hard to trust anyone ever since.

I do have one close friend, but since she has two kids and I have none, I do have to do most of the work to get together. It makes it much harder...

other than that, I think I'm afraid to trust anyone besides my husband because I always seem to get burned...

auburnchick
07-03-2007, 06:39 PM
I know how you feel! :hug:

Your girls are pretty young, aren't they? Do you attend a church? Can you start a play group? There are "mommy and me" types of organizations that can get you connected with a group near you.

When we moved to Miami several years, I quit my job to stay home full-time. I did not know a soul, and I had two children under the age of three. I quickly found a church and tried to start a play group. One of the gals who came (and I don't think there was much interest) told me about a play group she was involved with. She got me connected, and we met once a week at various locations. Those were a really good two years!!

Then we moved again, but the kids were starting school, so I was able to meet a couple of friends that way...by arranging play dates after school and sticking around to get to know the moms.

Your interests are going to change during the years as your children grow more independent. You'll find that your needs for friendship (and ability to provide it in return) will change as well. I think the key is being flexible and understanding that everyone is going through the same thing. Also, some people are naturally more outgoing than others.

:hug:

DeAnzaJig
07-03-2007, 06:54 PM
I'm sorry to hear about that woman bagging on you, even after you put forth the effort to get together. It sucks.

If I wanted to find new friends, I'd try to join a local sports team (if that's something you're interested in) or some other group-needed activity. Things like a knitting group are kind of viscus with people coming and joining, and it might be difficult to get to know people.

Of course, I have the opposite problem and have a really hard time posting here, despite reading tons of posts and having opinions on some of them.

<---- Note my small number of posts despite being here since Oct 2005.

mulene
07-04-2007, 06:22 AM
we are not alone! I have the same issue. I don't have ANY friends. I had something happen to me several years ago now (almost 7 years ago) which devastated me and I was close to being homeless. You totally find out who your real friends are when the chips are down. Unfortunately for me, I found out that not one of my friends was a real friend.

One who I thought would be there always (as I was always there for her) basically kicked me hard while I was down. She may as well have set me alight and screamed "I won't even pee on you!"

I have to this day still no idea what I did to my so called friends to make them hate me that much, that when I was really in trouble they all just turned their backs on me.

I always found it hard to make friends anyway, but after that all happened, I found that I am a strong enough person to cope on my own. My father died the following year, and I went through that entirely alone, while supporting my mother through her loss.

I'd be happy to make acquaintances but I doubt I'll ever make "friends" again. I'm very happy with my life as it is, I like this online community of knitters, and I consider people here to be more real than anyone I've ever met. Why? Because I know that people here give an honest opinion, and everyone does so with such style and nicety that there is rarely ever any nastiness here.

The only one I can remember being an argument over acrylic yarn *giggle* and even then it wasn't that nasty =D

*hugs* to everyone

iza
07-04-2007, 12:28 PM
I understand how you feel. I don't have many friends. I used to go out a lot more before I met my boyfriend. But now, we're both busy with work and it's hard to find time to go out with people. We're just too tired and busy with house cleaning, laundry, groceries, etc. (I can't even imagine how busy we would be if we had kids!). We're getting more and more isolated (especially now that good friends of ours moved far away).:pout: I'm not the kind of person who needs a very close friend or go out all the time, but once in a while it would be nice to do activities with other people.

I guess, in a way, I'm in the situation of this woman who is too busy to call you back. The reason I don't call people is not because I don't want to, but because I'm so busy I just can't plan anything. There's always something destroying my plans :rollseyes: So I prefer not to organize anything and stay home...

Don't give up! And please don't think there's something wrong with you! :hug: It's not easy to meet new friends. You are far from being alone!

nadja la claire
07-04-2007, 12:49 PM
Most of my friends are my friends through Jerry. I've always had trouble making friends on my own. My brother has always been Mr. Popular and it's always been easy for him to make friends, he's always been very outgoing. I've always been shy and introverted although I'm not as painfully shy now as I was when I was younger. I've also been betrayed by alot of "friends" so I don't trust very many people. I guess in the back of my head I'm just waiting for people to screw me. Even so I want to make friends and I still positive outlook and I still put my hand out even though sometimes it's slapped aside.

:muah: :hug:

Nadja :knitting:

zip
07-04-2007, 03:16 PM
I believe this is a prevalent commonality among many people in online forums. Making friends face to face (I won't use the term IRL because I consider online to be a facet of my real life) is more difficult for some than it is for others, but I don't consider that to be a failure. It simply is what it is. Perhaps some of us have been tossed aside more than people who have no difficulty making friends in person. Honestly, I don't know the answer. But I do know that I've made online friends the same as I've made them in person, by recognizing a common interest or sense of humor and carrying that forward.

I met my SO online, not through a dating site, but in an online community. And I moved nearly 3000 miles from where I'd lived all my life to join my life with his. Granted, I was planning to move 1100 miles away already, but still...

Maintaining friendships online or in person requires a commitment. We've had friends from all over the world visit us in our home and I love them all dearly.

flea
07-04-2007, 06:19 PM
I moved to Northern Kentucky from Texas a few years ago and left behind my sisters, nieces and nephews (who are closer to my age than my sisters are), my co-worker/best friend, and my developed-over-a-decade group of gamer geek friends. I felt and still feel like I left everything behind.

After I moved here to be with my now dh I started nursing school and made a few friends there... But they aren't super-close friends. I can go weeks without talking to them and feel pretty okay about it.

I feel very isolated at times. It's lonely. I miss that feeling of comfort and fun that come from being surrounded by those that know you best. Here I have dh and his friends (who are really nice, don't get me wrong, but they're HIS friends primarily). My MIL moved to Indiana after she got married this winter.

Hear me whine, but I honestly feel very alone a lot of the time. I just don't know if I can make the investment of time and energy and commitment and compromise to make a new group like that. I like the group I have! They're just scattered all over from the eastern seaboard to Texas.

Obviously, you aren't alone. Enough of us have posted to vent similar feelings. KH isn't just about knitting. It's a whole bunch of support groups rolled into one!

Jan in CA
07-04-2007, 07:38 PM
One thing you've done by sharing is finding out that you are not alone which in turn helps others. Including me. I'm a homebody and rather shy. I hate big parties and gatherings because I get all tongue-tied when I meet new people. I finally got brave and put a msg in Knitter's Review and found a woman who was looking for knitting buddies to start a group. I see her weekly now at the LYS and am meeting some new people with similar hobbies. It's something even though we never meet outside the group.

tootie44
07-04-2007, 08:55 PM
I also have a very hard time making friends. My son is severely disabled so I have a difficult time relating to potential mommy friends, and there really aren't play dates because a typical 4 year old would not know how to interact with him.

I used to work before my son got sick and I had friends there, but I have lost touch with most of them.

I do have a local friend with a child with a similar disability who I met online...but we don't see each other in person too often, mostly just chatting online.

chrislt8
07-05-2007, 12:36 AM
I, too, am another one that has difficulty making friends...this is partly my fault as I am another homebody and don't enjoy social situations where there are a lot of people gathered together. I'm not a naturally social "chatter" and on top of that I have a hearing problem which makes understanding conversation in large gatherings very difficult. I am, however, blessed to be part of a large family (one of 8 siblings) and we are all very close (sadly, we lost one sister in March 2006-I miss you Marie!). My Mom is truly my best friend and we enjoy many of the same things and do a lot together. On top of that, I work with family, so my opportunity to make friends outside of the family is further limited by that.

I sometimes long for friendships outside of the family where I can be "me" without the expectations and pre-concieved notions that the long term family relationships/dynamics bring. But, one thing I have seen over time is that very few non-family relationships stay with you through the years - family does, especially through the hard times...

I agree with the posts that said that friendships take a lot of time and commitment - they are hard, consistant work! In today's world where everybody is so busy, I think real friendships are even harder to make and maintain.

And to finish my "vent" with a little humor...why, oh why, does that song from Mr. Roger's Neighborhood keep running through my mind?
:whistle:Oh won't you be, please won't you be, oh won't you be my...friend!:whistle:

Limey
07-05-2007, 07:33 PM
Mommy22alyns wrote:

My latest blow - I was supposed to meet up with another woman for some needlework time. I went there, waited for about an hour, and nothing. She emailed me the next day or so and apologized that she'd gotten caught up in something else. I emailed her back saying it wasn't a big deal. No response. A week or so later, I called her, hoping to meet up again. I had to leave a message and I still haven't heard anything back - this was nearly 2 weeks ago.

I know she is super busy, but I thought she'd at least be able to shoot me a brief email. I don't want to put myself back out here yet again. I feel like I'm chasing these people down, begging them to be my friend. :pout: What makes me so detestable?[/quote]

Boy, you seemed to have struck a nerve here! As for the above, I wish I had a penny for every, 'I'll phone you' 'Let's get together'
'Christmas shopping? Great' that didn't happen.

I can't help feeling that as we live in such a very throw-away world, that we do the same to other people - 'It's too much bother,' 'I've done the Xmas shopping anyway, now' 'I'd completely forgotten, I don't know her all that well, anyway, so what's it matter?'

From what you've said, I can't imagine you ever treating anyone the way that waste-of-space treated you. Over the years, I've found the best way of making friends is to mix with people who give a damn. And the ones who give a damn are usually those who give help and care.

You've a wonderful hobby in knitting, one that can do alot of good. There's people in your neighbourhood, I'm sure, who would snatch your arm off if you could donate some of your finished projects. Have a mooch and see what charitable organisations you have round about.

All the Best

Ellie

PS - If you call yourself detestable once more, I'll never speak to you again!

threesmom
07-05-2007, 09:33 PM
Mommy22, you're NOT detestable!!! Don't even think like that! I agree though that it is hard to make friends. I think I've pretty much given up. I guess I'm introverted, and after being treated badly by friends in high school and college, my trust meter is set pretty high. I used to think there was something wrong with me, and wonder why I had so few friends, and why so many of them only bothered with me when they needed something, when I realized I was making friends with needy people. No wonder I kept getting hurt!

Now that I"m married and have kids, it's even harder to make friends, or have the time to really want to spend iwth anyone. When I try to make friends with other mommy-sorts, I find myself so distracted because I'm still trying to keep an eye on the kids. And the only thing we often seem to have in common are similar aged children. I always make "work" friends wherever I happen to be working, but those relationships seem to fade soon after the job ends.I actually think it's harder to keep friends than actually make them.

All that being said, I am really pretty content in how I am now. I have accepted that I'm quiet and like to be by myself. I'm friendly enough, and wouldn't turn a potential friend down, but I'm okay with how things are. And while I don't feel like I've been here on KH long enough to make anything more than aquaintences, I have come to rely on this community, and enjoy it more all the time.
:hug:to you Mommy22!

itsjustmeghan
07-05-2007, 09:34 PM
i know what you mean. i find most of my friends online.
right now i'm just in a weird place. most of the people my age (28) are single with no intention of settling down, working here and there, living with parents, or living it up downtown drinking/dancing on weekends.
me? i've been married for 5 years, work full time, have a mortgage, love to knit, and have a wonderful little boy. while my life is rich and wonderful, i still miss having people to talk to and go out with aside from my husband. my family is kinda flakey, so i've pulled back from them recently. any friends we have come over, and i feel like i'm so old compared to them. i hoped having a baby would help with making friends on the same page as me, but most moms i know are stay at home moms. i work full time. so having a playgroup outside work is really hard.
i don't really relate to the people who have kids my son's age at work. most of them are a lot older then me, and see me as WAY too young.
so, i have friends online. my best friend is a girl in alaska that i met on another forum. we've been chatting via email for about 3 years now. is it weird? yeah. but i never have to worry about her ditching me when we make plans (i've had that happen too...all the girls i know here are VERY flakey).
i've tried finding knitting groups, but haven't had success. most seem so cliquey so i feel like i'm interrupting. i started teaching a group of people at work how to knit, so i've gotten closer to them as a result. our office is closing, so we're hoping to keep our knitting group meeting once a month. i look forward to that.

if i ever get some money saved up, i'm going to try to make a trip to alaska (or somewhere inbetween if she can afford it) so i can meet my friend in person. i'd love to just be able to give her a hug in person. she's gotten me through some tough times!

Riss
07-06-2007, 11:31 PM
I'd like to think that I have the ability to make friends easily, but I know I don't. I'm really quiet, I have a touch of social anxiety, and I never know what to say; and usually when I say something, it doesn't come out right, comes out all jumbled up, or I forget important words, which only makes me feel worse.

All through middle school and highschool, I had one set of close friends, a girl and 3 guys. We were pretty much inseperable. Senior year comes around, specifically January, and my girlfriend turns 18. All of a sudden, no one says hi to me any more. I'm not included in conversations, nights out, or general gatherings. By the time we graduated in May, I didn't hear a word from any of them. They didn't even give me a hug congrats or anything. I know in my mind that they were using me as just another girl to go out with... another body because my girlfriend's mom wouldn't let her out with 3 guys without another girl there. But my heart still aches over it. The girlfriend still lives in town and works at a local drug store. Even when I come through her line, she doesn't even say hi. She just rings me through as if I was another nobody.

Since I was 14, I've found online communities to be the best way to express myself. I started chatting, and have found some of the most long lasting friendships of my whole life.

I broke my leg 2 and a half months ago, and have since become an active member of a few crochet alongs, and just last week, found this site for knitting. I've been addicted ever since. *points at her quick jump links bar in firefox at knittinghelp.com forum* I've kind of felt at home here since I joined. I may not be good at knitting yet, but I'm certainly not afraid to speak up because everyone is so nice.

Home is where you're most comfortable. And when you're comfortable, you'll find some friends. Reach out, touch someone, make someone smile. It'll come back to you. Just gotta hang in there...

(sorry for the book! :) )

--Riss

geekgolightly
07-07-2007, 12:56 AM
Since I was 14, I've found online communities to be the best way to express myself. I started chatting, and have found some of the most long lasting friendships of my whole life.

--Riss


i've been involved in an online community for seven years. It's gone through many changes, but i have really appreciated the longevity of it. some of my friends i met there when i had just turned 30 and they were 14! petals from NZ is one of those. she's brilliant and now 21. i love that i've remained there and seen people change and grow. i met my husband there, even.

other than that, i haven't made friends since i became sober. the real life friends i have, i have had for 20+ years. i have not figured out how to relate to people i am professional with, or any mommies from various playgroups. most of their lives are so vastly different that i fear being judged.

geekgolightly
07-07-2007, 01:32 AM
btw, happy birthday, riss!
:present:

Riss
07-07-2007, 09:39 AM
Thanks!

Knitting_Guy
07-07-2007, 04:58 PM
Mommy22, the one thought that occurred to me while reading your original post is that maybe you just try too hard? In my experience friendships just happen on their own and can't be forced.

Maybe instead of "putting yourself out there" you just be out there and whatever happens, happens.

But then, I'm a guy and our friendships tend to be quite different :rofling:

itsjustmeghan
07-07-2007, 06:16 PM
Funny you should say that, knitting guy. because to be honest, my friends are all guys. it's less work. and if something does go wrong, we just hash it out, and voila. problems solved and tomorrow is another day.
women friendships seem a lot more complicated for whatever reason...

Knitting_Guy
07-07-2007, 07:26 PM
women friendships seem a lot more complicated for whatever reason...

Well, we guys are simple creatures :shrug:

ironmaiden
07-07-2007, 08:17 PM
Oh man I could write a book on this one...

I have a combination of issues when it comes to making friends. I have a few very close friends who I've had for many years (read, 2 or 3) and others tend to come and go (and they come less frequently as I get older).

Anyway, I don't like to spend too much time on things that don't interest me. I hate talking on the phone (sincerely despise it and will avoid it at all costs). I don't like hanging out in bars or going out for dinner too often or just sitting around doing nothing.

Unfortunately, these are the activities most people seem to enjoy.

I prefer to spend my time knitting or sewing or reading or learning something new, writing or otherwise engaging my mind.

When I've tried to meet new people through my hobbies, they've never been all that interested. I think sometimes I can be intimidating, but I'm not mean or anything.

I'm happy with my life as it is, but it would be nice to have a knitting buddy :D.

mwedzi
07-07-2007, 08:26 PM
Well, it's difficult for me, too, so I won't pretend to be a guru or anything. But just a thought to offer, I notice lots of people saying "and those people aren't like me so I don't want to try with them" or something similar to that. It's hard to know what people are really like from short chance meetings. You might at least consider friendships with those people, just as a way of expanding yourself.

It reminds me of a guy I know. This guy asked me out, it was all awkward cuz we were just friends. I think the only reason is because I'm the only single girl he talks to. Anyway, I'm in graduate school and lots of us are separated from our families so maybe this provides an environment where we need each other more. But he went to another dept. in another state to work with someone and he doesn't have any friends there. I suggested Meetup.com to him. This is a site that connects people with similar interests, and they meet up in real life to, well, have fun. I occasionally go to a knitting meetup, right now I'm organizing a natural hair meetup, and I met my sci-fi group through there and sometimes go to movies with them. So I recommended this site to him and he almost instantly rejects it, saying to me that he's very academic and really needs to be around academic people. I think this is a problem. If you're lonely, it really doesn't help to exclude people for reasons like that. There are all kinds of people in the world and the great majority have something to offer even if they are not like you.

Not saying this philosophy has landed me many close friends. But sometimes I do have someone to have a long talk with over a drink, or someone to go out with every now and then, or someone to watch a movie with, and that's at least a start and for some of you, it sounds like all you want right now.

Something I'm also working on is being willing to try new things. It's hard, I know, because it's uncomfortable. But it's like people say, if you are doing something and it's not getting you the results you want, try something else.

Now, if only I could figure out how to get a boyfriend. As bad as I am at making friends, I'm MUCH worse at that. I was feeling it terribly this past Tuesday as I went out with a bunch of students and former students to watch the fireworks and nearly everyone was all coupled up and snugged up. But me. :pout: I'm never asked out by anyone I'm interested in, and the last time I asked someone out, hmm, some 10+ years ago, he said no and I've never done it again!

ironmaiden
07-08-2007, 12:08 AM
See, for me, casual friendships kind of fall into the "I have better things to do" category... of course, all friendships start as casual friendships, so there's the rub lol.

Honestly though, I've tried hanging out with other moms (i.e., more than just momentary meetings) and we really had very little in common and didn't get along. And my single friends are, well, single. It's a tough dynamic, especially (it seems) when you are young.

I really chalk it up to most people being boring and not all that smart. I know that probably sounds horribly arrogant, but it is my honest opinion.

zazzu
07-08-2007, 12:46 AM
I really chalk it up to most people being boring and not all that smart. I know that probably sounds horribly arrogant, but it is my honest opinion.


:lol: Well, then count me in as arrogant too because I completely agree with you!

I've been reading this thread with interest, but don't really have any advice to give. I don't consider a lack of friends a problem. More of a relief. ;)

One thing I have noticed about people, in general. The worse you treat them, the better they treat you. Seriously, it's the weirdest thing. :??

ironmaiden
07-08-2007, 09:20 AM
I've noticed that trend more in men than women over the years lol.