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View Full Version : Wedding stuff and a question


letah75
12-03-2007, 04:01 PM
Here (http://cgi.ebay.com/2007-Sexy-New-wedding-dress-gown-all-size_W0QQitemZ230196889091QQihZ013QQcategoryZ63851 QQcmdZViewItem) is a picture of my wedding dress. I have yet to order it, but this is the one I am going to get. What say you all? :teehee:

I am going to get in in #17 (scroll down) purple, and my FH is going to wear a white zoot suit with purple edging and highlights to match my dress. The maids of honor and grooms men (5 each) are going to wear blue (still have to pick what blue, likely dark). The ring bearer is his son, and the flower girl is his neice.

This wedding (only proposed on Nov. 25th) is already getting bigger than either of us wanted or expected.....we want family and close friends.....both families have told everyone they've ever met cloud9 and I think there will be waaaay more people than intended. Sigh, that's ok, they'll just have to help pay.
So I do have a question however. We have everything we need for our life together. How can I invite people and say (politely and appropriately) that we dont need anything, so don't bring presents, just give us money?
I think it's tacky, everyone else I've talked to says its ok and understandable. I'm thinking of putting something in the invitations to the effect of, we dont' need anything so we aren't registered anywhere, but we will be doing the money dance. I don't know how to phrase or if I can even do it correctly. I hate all this.....no I don't I just don't want to be tacky and I think asking people for money is. Sigh.

GinnyG
12-03-2007, 04:20 PM
I think it is a very lovely dress. HOWEVER, be very careful ordering from ebay. I see it is being made in China. Last year my son got married and I ordered a dress on ebay from a dress maker in china. I sent them very carefully done measurements and the dress was WAY TOO SMALL. It was not this seller so I hope you have better luck but I would definately order it in plenty of time to come up with a "Plan B" if it doesn't work.

Speaking as a Mom I gotta also tell you that there really is no tactful way to "ask" for money instead of gifts. My opinion would be that it would not be appropriate to put that on the invitation. My suggestion would be to just not register anywhere. Then when somone ask's you where you are registered you can say you aren't because you don't need anything. Then HOPEFULLY they will get the hint and give you money. I am sure there are some family members you are close enough to be honest but as a general rule I think it would be very tacky to ask for money.

HamaLee
12-03-2007, 04:23 PM
I'm not sure what to do about the gifts thing...but that dress is GORGEOUS! I looooove the splash of color against the white, so stunning! :heart::heart:

Do any of the wedding sites have recommendations on how to word requests like this on your invites? Maybe some creative googling will pop something helpful up.

letah75
12-03-2007, 04:38 PM
For the dress, I am planning on adding an extra 1/2" to all the measurements just in case. FH's aunt is a seamstress, so she'll be able to taylor it, also I want to have her sew in a bra.
My cousin is going to make the invites...she's very crafty, so I'll have to look online. I think it's kind of tacky too, but that is what other's have recommended (putting something on the invites). So much stuff.
I'm not one of those people who has been thinking about my wedding since I was a child. I just knew I wanted to get married in the church I grew up in....that's it. Luckely, that's all he wanted too....that and flowers.
Thanks to everyone in advance for your advice.

sinistral_needler
12-03-2007, 04:49 PM
I think that the dress is BEAUTIFUL but I would side with the others in saying be careful in ordering something from eBay. There are places that you can get a dress that are not too expensive - David's Bridal comes to mind (however, I have heard horror stories about botched alterations, not only in weddings that I have stood up in but also others - that is why I asked my mom to alter the bridesmaid dress I got from there). I guess it is a crap shoot no matter what you do.

Regarding the cash/gifts issue. People will give you gifts no matter what you do - it just goes against some people's grain to not give a gift. So you will probably get gifts whether you like it or not. It's a PITA but that can happen.

iza
12-03-2007, 04:51 PM
This is a tough one. :?? I totally understand that you would prefer money since you don't need anything. However, you have to be a bit careful. While it's common sense to bring a gift/money to a wedding, I don't think you should "demand" gifts from your guests. You invite people because you want them to be there and because you can afford it - if not, just don't invite everybody!

This being said, you could probably say something like "a money box will be provided at the reception to receive your donations" or something along those lines (google can help on that, I'm sure!). Avoid at the very least asking for a "minimum price". That's not a gift anymore, it's a cover charge. Your wedding becomes just a party where people have to pay to get in, and I'm sure it's not what you want! :hug:

What a nice dress you chose! :cheering:You'll look fabulous :thumbsup:

GinnyG
12-03-2007, 04:55 PM
Here ya go!
http://www.lancasterbridal.com/tips_money.htm

sinistral_needler
12-03-2007, 04:58 PM
Oh and Letah .. did you check the feedback of this seller? While it only has one negative, all of the neutral feedbacks mention poor materials quality and bad beadwork. There are a lot of negative feedbacks that have been withdrawn as well. Just checking - did you see those?? Hate to be a downer but that would be a deal breaker for me personally ...

letah75
12-03-2007, 05:01 PM
Avoid at the very least asking for a "minimum price". That's not a gift anymore, it's a cover charge. Your wedding becomes just a party where people have to pay to get in, and I'm sure it's not what you want! :hug:

:roflhard: That is too funny!

letah75
12-03-2007, 05:03 PM
Oh and Letah .. did you check the feedback of this seller? While it only has one negative, all of the neutral feedbacks mention poor materials quality and bad beadwork. There are a lot of negative feedbacks that have been withdrawn as well. Just checking - did you see those?? Hate to be a downer but that would be a deal breaker for me personally ...

I've e-mailed a couple of the buyers, both positive and negative feedback. I've gotten a few people say "YES!" one person said "No". I've e-mailed a few more people and they've yet to respond.

Jan in CA
12-03-2007, 05:08 PM
Speaking as a Mom I gotta also tell you that there really is no tactful way to "ask" for money instead of gifts. My opinion would be that it would not be appropriate to put that on the invitation. My suggestion would be to just not register anywhere. Then when somone ask's you where you are registered you can say you aren't because you don't need anything. Then HOPEFULLY they will get the hint and give you money. I am sure there are some family members you are close enough to be honest but as a general rule I think it would be very tacky to ask for money.

Yep, I agree. Word of mouth is probably the best way, but be careful. If someone asks a family member/friend what you want and they say something like they don't want/need anything they just want money that sounds equally bad. There really is no way to get around it. Just let it go and have fun. You can always return the unused items.

That dress is gorgeous!!!:inlove:

vaknitter
12-03-2007, 05:18 PM
That dress is beautiful ... I bought my dress via e-bay from a bridal store in Alabama that was reducing inventory. My beautiful designer gown (albeit last years model) was $84 inc s+h.
As for money - registry or no registry people will give you what they want to give you. I got "crystal" fruit platters, vases with frogs on them, platinum serving trays...we also got a lot of cash. My two cents : personally think it is tacky to put anything in the invite about wanting cash. My advice would let it be word of mouth. Tell family and close friends that you have no specific needs right now and would prefer money to be put towards a family vacation.
When are you planning to get married? I'm so impressed you're already planning...I got engaged Nov 12 and other than initiating pre-marital counseling at the church I wanted to be married in I didn't do any planning until after the new year. Actually, think we picked our honeymoon (Alaskan cruise + land tour) before anything else.

HollyP
12-03-2007, 05:53 PM
What a pretty dress!
My brother and sil got married a few years ago. They mostly received money as gifts. I think if you spread the word with your friends and family that you have everything, writing anything on the invite or even a little card in the invite will be unnecessary. It seems like my entire extended family called either my mom or I to see where they were registered and what they wanted. I would have been happy to pass on that they were pretty well set and that a check would be great. The idea of a wedding website to get the word out is good too.

Just my$.02

mum2caden
12-03-2007, 06:51 PM
I can't believe you have done so much planning, lol. I just got engaged on august 1st and I have yet to do much more than a half guest list, lol (which I have made %100 sure will be no larger than 100 people). I know exactly what i want to do, but actually doing it is a whole other story....

knitgal
12-03-2007, 06:55 PM
According to Amy Vanderbilt's Complete Book of Etiquette, it is in bad taste to ask for money as a gift. They say that if someone asks you mother (or father or whoever) about gifts, they can discreetly get the message across about the money. It also says that you must be careful about who you say it to, as some people may not have money to give. A gift can be bought creatively for $35, but a $35 cheque looks cheap.

letah75
12-03-2007, 07:14 PM
First I would again thank you all for your input. You are pretty much verifying what I thougt too!!! :woot:


When are you planning to get married? I'm so impressed you're already planning...I got engaged Nov 12 and other than initiating pre-marital counseling at the church I wanted to be married in I didn't do any planning until after the new year. Actually, think we picked our honeymoon (Alaskan cruise + land tour) before anything else.

We're getting married on May 31, 2008. I've got the church (my dad is the priest there :teehee:) the hall is attached so we've got that too. The cater is a family friend, so she'll give us a good deal. My cousin found a florist, who will likely give us a break. I've got the colors, the dress (not ordered, but picked out), his suit will be custom made to match the dress (it will cost $200 for his suit), we're gonna have my maid of honor (cousin) make the invites.

She also already has some ideas for 'party favors?' or whatever you call them. We've got to sit down and do the guest list. I've got the musician for the actual ceremony (with more volunteering every day). His best man is a DJ and will play music, as is his uncle, so they will be trading off. We're going to do professional wedding photos prior to the ceremony then just disposable cameras for the reception, each kiddo getting their own for the more "candid" shots:teehee:.

Ummmm, that's all I can think of off the top of my head. The brides maids are going to be given a color swatch and allowed to pick their own dresses, with only the color a requirement. I think (not decided yet) that I will ask the maid of honor to wear a longer dress, and the other (4) girls to wear knee lenght dresses. I want their personalities to come out and for them to be comfortable. Plus they are all very different body types.

I think the most expensive aspect will be the flowers and the photographer. The church and hall are $150.00 for the day, the priest is a family friend (as dad will be dad only that day), the first pre-maritial session is tomorrow at 5:30 p.m.

My co-workers decided that knowing me, even though I've never really thought about a wedding and never really considered what I wanted, I'll have it planned by the end of January. I'm not sure about all that, but my general plan is laid out above. If anyone can think of anything I'm forgetting I'm open to ideas.

We will have alcohol, bought at Costco, and open to anyone, and when that runs out, oh well.

Oh the cake, his cousin does cakes, but Beliezean custom is to do the cake the next day with only immediate family, so we will be doing that with a free cake. :woohoo:However, his mom and sisters and cousins will be making desert for the reception, bread pudding, casava cake, potato pon and all kinds of goodies. Yummy, yum.

I think we'll sit down and do the guest list next weekend then try to get the invitations out by the middle of January.

:hug:Thanks again guys. I knew I could count on all of you to be honest and forthright. I love it when you confirm what I thought in the first place, but it sure helps to have other opinions! Keep the advice coming as I've never planned a wedding before, and am sure I'm missing a ton of stuff.

Oh yeah, the maid of honor is my cousin, the brides maids are her sister and his three sisters. His best man is his best friend, and his grooms men are his two cousins and two friends.

And I'm amazed that people are thinking I have a lot of stuff done. I feel like its a bunch of "hey we're gonna......" but nothing solid. hunh, I really think I haven't done anything, at all except tell everyone and picked a date. He wanted to pick the date within 10 minutes of asking me and I put it off for a week.

kristinw
12-03-2007, 07:25 PM
Well gee, I totally missed the getting engaged bit! Congrats! :cheering: I'm trying to remember but isn't this the person you knew before and found each other and had an amazing weekend (or week) together and the rest is history???? So romantic!!! :inlove::inlove:

Lucy78green
12-03-2007, 07:30 PM
My friends asked for a donation to a charity instead of gifts, and in stead of favours on the table they left details of their chosen charity - not really that helpful if you need the cash yourself though!
Another friend had an online gift list with a major department store where you could leave money if you didn't want to buy any of the items, maybe you could join a wedding list and just not select anything, people will have to leave money then (though the downside is maybe they expect you to spend it in their store).

letah75
12-03-2007, 07:39 PM
Well gee, I totally missed the getting engaged bit! Congrats! :cheering: I'm trying to remember but isn't this the person you knew before and found each other and had an amazing weekend (or week) together and the rest is history???? So romantic!!! :inlove::inlove:

Yup, you got it. We were first kiss for each other :heart: then stayed friends through my boyfriends, his girlfriends and first wife (that last 11 months, loooong story ;)), anyhooo, we were both free, went out to dinner one night and said, "Hey, we're both free, we've both always wanted to be together, lets try it out." That was May 21, 2007, he proposed November 25, 2007 and we'll be married May 31, 2008. We were hoping for May 21st but its a Wednesday and half of the guest (and us) will have to travel 3 hours to the church and reception, so a weekend is best. His little sis lives by us and is graduating from college on the 25th of May. My cousin (maid of honor) is also in college, and has finals. So between the two of them, finals, dead week, graduation, we're doing it the weekend after all of their stuff is done.

Although FH is teasing his sister that we want to get married before she graduates so we can get the good presents and she can get the left overs. He he. She doesn't believe him (she's smart).

vaknitter
12-03-2007, 07:41 PM
You've been engaged a week - within a week of being engaged I was just getting my ring back from being resized !! Hubby lost the paper my ring size was written on ... It them took me another month of staring at it to realize I was engaged and had to plan a wedding. We picked a reception site in Feb and then starting looking into photographers etc. Wow is photography expensive ! We got quotes that equalled my entire budget. Ended up going with a pro-am guy who does photography as a hobby, yet he interned with and was employed by profession photography studio. He gave me CD's with all the images on them so I could make all my own 4x6 and 5x7's anything larger than that I went to him for. I picked the florist maybe a month or so before the wedding. So yes, you have a lot done !
My best advice - make a list b/c as the wedding gets closer you will lose your mind.
If you need to save money : favors are a waste of it - I thought I would do it right and make it edible....90% of them were left at the reception. Also, while disposable cameras seem like a great idea they are expensive to develop, time consuming to sort through, and in the end you get a lot of pictures of people feet, nostrils, and random shots. We asked friends to bring cameras and send us prints they felt were relevant (everybody loves to play photographer).
Have you thought about whether you will have just your dad or your mom and dad walk you down the aisle. I guess some religions have strict rules regarding this, but I am Episcopal and we're pretty liberal. I must say one of the best decisions I made with regards to the wedding was asking both parents to walk me down the aisle. That brought tears to the eyes of a lot of mothers that felt left out of their daighters weddings and we got a lot of comments on that.
OH and make sure your church gets the trumpets on the organ tuned - I would check on that NOW. I never dreamed they wouldn't be tuned and when I met with the orgranist and he played Trumpet Voluntary I was almost in tears as the trumpets were deplorable and there was no time to get them tuned before the wedding.
Okay - lecture over.

letah75
12-03-2007, 07:54 PM
You've been engaged a week - within a week of being engaged I was just getting my ring back from being resized !! Hubby lost the paper my ring size was written on ... It them took me another month of staring at it to realize I was engaged and had to plan a wedding. We picked a reception site in Feb and then starting looking into photographers etc. Wow is photography expensive ! We got quotes that equalled my entire budget. Ended up going with a pro-am guy who does photography as a hobby, yet he interned with and was employed by profession photography studio. He gave me CD's with all the images on them so I could make all my own 4x6 and 5x7's anything larger than that I went to him for. I picked the florist maybe a month or so before the wedding. So yes, you have a lot done !
My best advice - make a list b/c as the wedding gets closer you will lose your mind.
If you need to save money : favors are a waste of it - I thought I would do it right and make it edible....90% of them were left at the reception. Also, while disposable cameras seem like a great idea they are expensive to develop, time consuming to sort through, and in the end you get a lot of pictures of people feet, nostrils, and random shots. We asked friends to bring cameras and send us prints they felt were relevant (everybody loves to play photographer).
Have you thought about whether you will have just your dad or your mom and dad walk you down the aisle. I guess some religions have strict rules regarding this, but I am Episcopal and we're pretty liberal. I must say one of the best decisions I made with regards to the wedding was asking both parents to walk me down the aisle. That brought tears to the eyes of a lot of mothers that felt left out of their daighters weddings and we got a lot of comments on that.
OH and make sure your church gets the trumpets on the organ tuned - I would check on that NOW. I never dreamed they wouldn't be tuned and when I met with the orgranist and he played Trumpet Voluntary I was almost in tears as the trumpets were deplorable and there was no time to get them tuned before the wedding.
Okay - lecture over.

I too am Episcopal, and I haven't thought of mom and dad or just dad...I know alllll about the organ (but EXCELLENT advice) since it's my dad's church.

I was thinking for the favors, getting those M&M's that you can have printed to say whatever, with our names and the date....that way if everyone didn't eat them.....we could send the extra's home with the kids. :-)

Keep the advice comming!!!!! :woot:

Spikey
12-03-2007, 09:36 PM
First of all, congrats! It sounds like you are doing a super job with the planning and cautiously investigating that beautiful dress. As someone who recently went through all this, it is not easy but you've got a huge leg up.

I must echo the others, though, that there is no good way to get people to give you money. People will insist on buying you things, so I advise registering for a small number of things at a place where you can always use the credit. Otherwise, you'll just get random stuff from random stores. Even though we registered at 3 different places, we still got random stuff, but at least it was kept to a minimum.

Also, tell your families to tell everyone you don't need 'things' but are saving up for a special honeymoon, or down payment on a house/paying down a mortgage, etc. Hopefully people will get the hint. Good luck!

debinoz
12-03-2007, 10:57 PM
I haven't read all the replies, but at my Oldest ds's wedding, they put on the invitations that they were having a "card Well." I had no idea what that was and had to ask beforehand, but maybe most people are smarter than I.

Songbirdy
12-03-2007, 11:03 PM
Congratulations!

I would find it okay to mention that you've decided not to register for gifts since you've the "blessed task of merging two households of goods" (pick better words).

I think that is subtle enough but still points out that you have a lot of stuff.

There are always going to be people who give what they want. In my circles many of 'us' don't bother registering because it just isn't followed. Mostly because it seems like 'you aren't putting thought into the gift, you're just picking something off the list.' At least that's how a great Aunt put it.

But for those that are reading between the lines, they'll catch on that you have enough stuff and will likely give cash or at the least gift cards.

dustinac
12-03-2007, 11:05 PM
The dress is so pretty!!

We were going to have a bird cage that people could fill with cards if they wanted to...usually they have a box that people can drop the cards in...I'm not sure why but all the weddings I've been to it's just done but noone ever asks :shrug:


We were going to have a Christmas Wedding...instead we told mom and took off to VA...just dh, the preacher, me, and a witness...mom took dad to McD's and told him the news...my dress is still hanging at mom's waiting to be worn :oo:

cristeen
12-04-2007, 02:10 PM
There is no polite way to ask for cash. Just like mentioning the registry (in the invitation) should also not be done, because demanding gifts is not polite. Any mention of a money dance, a cash box, etc. in the invitation is also impolite, as it is implying that the only reason you're throwing the party is to get cash, not to celebrate your joy with others. Gift giving is completely optional on the part of the giver. Demanding any gift in any invitation is presumptuous. The only acceptable mention of gifts on an invitation is of the "please no gifts" sort.

Your preference of gift (money or registry) should be passed by word of mouth. Make sure your parents, siblings, and attendants know and they handle the job of passing it along to everyone else.

Nobones
12-04-2007, 02:20 PM
I am now plan 'b' on a friends wedding dress as the one she got from ebay was not only whey too small, but the construction was dreadful. She could only get part of her money back. It wasn't the seller your linked to but the auction is so alike I wonder if they are using a new name. I know they seem like good deals, but you have to be so careful, the quailty of the dress was dreadful, really not as described.

Good luck with the rest of the planning, it does have a way of getting away from you.

cftwo
12-04-2007, 02:21 PM
Beautiful dress!!

Some friends of mine were married this past summer. She was 31 and he was almost 37. They had everything they needed, and he has a good job so they didn't need money for themselves. They stated in their invitations that "in lieu of gifts, please give a donation to Charity X or Charity Y." One was a scholarship fund at a college, and another was a fund to buy books for new moms to read to their babies. It was non-traditional but it worked OK. If you just want $ (and I can't go back and check if you said that, or if you said you didn't need $ or gifts), I don't think there is a good way to say that. They still sent thank you notes for the donations, though.

cristeen
12-04-2007, 08:06 PM
Just a thought, but maybe take the pictures of the dress to a good local dressmaker and see what she can do with it. Probably the beadwork won't happen, but the basic structure of the dress should be easy enough for a good dressmaker to accomplish just from the pictures.

I have to wonder if the reason so many people have had trouble with "too small" dresses is the difference between metric and imperial measuring systems.