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willowangel
12-14-2007, 05:40 PM
Hi everyone, I just wanted to check in...

It's 2 years today since I lost my baby, Aron. I was 17 weeks pregnant, and I miss him.

I tried to do the compassionate knitting project this year - but it was too raw still, and I feel almost like I let him down. Maybe this year. I haven't cried yet today, but I went to the beach, and wrote in the journal I write in at every anniversary, and I have a special felted decoration for him for the tree. But Christmas is always bittersweet now, and, although I've been excited about it for the first time since he died, it's tinged with sadness.

And I wish I could send a message to Aron's father, but he's next door with my neighbour and her little girl and my ex-best friend and a whole bunch of people who don't like me because it took me some time to be ok with him going out with her. It hurt to hear them playing together as a family after everything that had happened, and I just needed time.

So I'm going to rant at you guys instead ;-) Sorry. I want to be stronger and more at peace, but I'm not at the moment. I want to be able to let go of the friends I have lost this year, but it's hard because they're all next door. And it feels somehow disrespectful to my baby to feel sad about other things, more recent things, today, at this time of year.

Anyway, hope everyone's having a good run-up to Christmas, I still have so much knitting to do!
Fi xxx

KnittingNat
12-14-2007, 06:01 PM
:hug:You don't have to be strong all the time and it's ok to be sad. I don't think you'll be able to forget your baby... And sometimes life turns that way, people are walking away from you and you're walking away from them and those you've considered to be friends are not there anymore. Try to look forward into the future and see yourself surrounded by great family and children and new friends who will support you. If others can't understand your pain and grief, it's not your fault :hug:. I hope you'll have a great year.
Hugs and kisses.

marykz
12-14-2007, 06:10 PM
I wish I could give you a big hug in person. hang in there. Grief has no timeline. cry as much as you need to. you will find peace. I think you are pretty strong already.

Abbily
12-14-2007, 06:27 PM
Oh, Fi, HUGS to you! I don't think you are being disrespectful or letting your son down in any way. Think about how you would feel about your mom if she was feeling the way you feeling. You would want her to take care of herself. You would want her to take the time she needs to work through her grief. You would understand if her wounds were too raw yet to participate in things like the compassionate knitting project, and you would understand that the loss of a child is a grief that never completely goes away.

Though your child may not have reached a chronological age on earth that would bring him this kind of understanding, I fully believe that in heaven our souls have more understanding and compassion than anyone on earth is capable of. Your son does not expect any more of you than what you are capable of. You are here, you are surviving, you are *living* your life rather than denying your pain or shutting completely down. You are stronger than you know!

I pray that you will find peace soon, and that you will remember to allow yourself to feel what you feel, without recrimination.

knitncook
12-14-2007, 06:30 PM
:hug: I'm so sorry for your loss, even though it's been 2 years. Sometimes it takes a long time to get to a healing point in the loss of a child before you can start thinking more broadly. BTDT. I would have a 16yo today if I hadn't lost my first baby. It took me 5 years and two babies before I got to a healing point. It will come when you are ready! :grphug: (All your KH siblings giving you a group hug!)

willowangel
12-14-2007, 06:37 PM
Thank you everyone - your support means the world to me. I am lucky to have found this place with such compassionate people.

I think I feel him with me sometimes, and I think I must be crazy because quantum mechanics gives me comfort ;-) I believe in the branching universe model - that all the ways life (among many other things) could have turned out exist in a separate world, so, somewhere, he lives on. Somewhere he's going to enjoy Christmas and, for him to do that there, I have to feel his loss here.

Sounds weird, I know, but physicists are weird people ;-) I scanned his ultrasound pictures in today and uploaded them to the net, so if anything happens, the only evidence of his existence isn't gone. I hope one day I get to tell my children about their brother.

Thank you Michelle - you've given me some hope - I'm always scared that I will have issues as a mother because of this loss, but it's nice to know that people go on to have families and survive *hugs* I'm sorry for your loss, too.

Thank you all *hugs*
Fi xxx

photolady
12-14-2007, 06:53 PM
Grief has no timeline. cry as much as you need to.
That is SO true! One of my family members doesn't understand why I cry, still, over the loss of my mother. Grief has NO timeline! Just make sure you aren't getting into too deep a depression.

http://www.allaboutlifechallenges.org/Signs-Of-Depression.htm

You will be fine. And, hey, a lot of people believe that somewhere, their deceased loved ones live on.
That's not weird.
Oh, and as for and "a whole bunch of people who don't like me", detach from them. They aren't worth a minute of your time. Don't let them see you upset, they might be getting a thrill out of it.:poke: :psst:
Just detach yourself emotionally from them, they are being rude, to say the least, in my opinion.:wink:

auburnchick
12-14-2007, 07:18 PM
:hug:

jeanius80
12-14-2007, 08:10 PM
:hugs: blessing to you at this time. I hope you feel peace as well.

Mariblue
12-14-2007, 08:20 PM
:hug:I wish you peace and comfort, Fi.

CountryKitty
12-14-2007, 08:58 PM
Go ahead and cry, love--grief has no timeline because love is eternal.

Vent/rant away.:grphug:

Doodknitwit
12-14-2007, 09:56 PM
sending hugs and prayers to you. :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

dustinac
12-14-2007, 09:58 PM
:hug: :heart: :hug:

Krystal
12-14-2007, 11:51 PM
hugs and love to you.

mks22300
12-15-2007, 12:26 AM
:hug:

Dangles
12-15-2007, 02:35 AM
:hug:

Nobones
12-15-2007, 06:33 AM
:grphug: thinking of you. Take your time.

Shandeh
12-15-2007, 08:09 AM
:heart: :hug: :heart:

BinkyKat
12-15-2007, 01:33 PM
:hug: :heart: :hug: :heart: :hug:

Denise in Michigan
12-15-2007, 06:57 PM
Blessings to you in your grief.

bailsmom
12-16-2007, 12:06 AM
I wish I could give you a big hug in person. hang in there. Grief has no timeline. cry as much as you need to. you will find peace. I think you are pretty strong already.


Oh my that is so very true.

I'm so sorry for your loss. :grphug:

willowangel
12-16-2007, 09:54 AM
Thank you so much everyone, the day passed without any major meltdowns and I even managed to get a hug from the father, without having to face any of the crap people. His star is hanging at the top of the tree and I'm glad the anniversary has passed. It's strange to be a mother without a child, but I am glad he was here for however short a time. I am thankful for the support I've received, both from people in my life here, and from you all on here. This really is a great community *hugs to everyone*

Thanks all,
Fi xxx

Shandeh
12-17-2007, 02:31 AM
I'm so glad you have found a calm after the storm. :hug:

GinnyG
12-17-2007, 07:15 AM
It's ok to be sad and to know that you will always hold that hurt in your heart. Time makes it easier to deal with but it will always be there. My first baby was still born over 30 years ago and I still think about him every birthday.

LilHuskiesFootBallMom
12-17-2007, 09:32 AM
((((((HUGE HUGS)))))


I understand. My daughter's 8 year angel date is coming up. It will always ache and there is no set time limit on grieving.

cookworm
12-17-2007, 06:07 PM
I'm so sorry for your loss. Little Aron will always be in your mind and heart. As others have said, there is no "time limit" for grieving. I send BIG hugs your way.

VictoiseC
12-17-2007, 07:05 PM
Grief has no timeline, ain't that the truth.

When I lost my mum in 1999, wow, I couldn't listen to music for two years or so. Just couldn't stand it.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I think that's amazing that you took those pictures, good for you! That is so positive. Universal branching... that sounds interesting. I read a book when my mum died that was by this yogi and it really helped me through some grieving. I'm a catholic but buddhists believe the soul finds a new home in about 40 days. I used to figure out how old my mum would be and look at a little girl, say 5, and think that could be her. Well, I didn't get wacky about this, I considered writing a screenplay based on it though.

I never got to have any children and I'm very sorry about that. But, both of my sisters had 2 children and got divorced so, what's better? Ha. Silly question. Anyhow, if I were you, I'd move. Why be next to them and suffer, even if you pretend not to they're still there to bother you. It would be wonderful for you to start new no? Just thinking out loud. peace,

jodstr2
12-17-2007, 08:40 PM
:hug: :hug: :hug:
hugs for you, willowangel.

willowangel
12-19-2007, 03:18 PM
Thank you everyone :-) And I'm so sorry for your losses too - the world can suck sometimes. The days have passed in peace, so I am thankful for that, and at Christmas we always toast 'to absent friends' for the loved ones we've lost. I hope everyone's Christmas goes well *hugs*