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View Full Version : when someone holds a resentment . . . .


ecb
12-20-2007, 10:32 PM
For Months, and then calls to 'confront' the situation
this makes me CRAZY and my teenager just did this to me
:wall:
anyway in a nutshell, she wants me to send HER her entire SS check each month and SHE will decide how to spend her money and save for college (of course she will pay her $160 Physician bill, and skiing costs). She is VERY sure she will not overspend what she has, and she has not yet gone through the 'I am not out of checks yet' stage (not experienced it herself yet, but she does like STUFF)
she is just being a HUGE teenager, and its making my ears ring LOUD, and I do not want to HATE being in her presence for the holidays, but she is setting that up for me.
:whistle: :present: :gah:
She even is talking legal crap:violin:
I am SO pissed, Don't let me start.:!!!:
:grrr:
ecb

scout52
12-20-2007, 10:46 PM
I'm so sorry you are having more problems with your daughter. If she is talking legal stuff then say great!! we will have a guardian ad litem appointed to take care of all it. That will either shut her up, because one you did not let her push you around, or she will agree to it (and the guardian will be responsible not her for the money)

Or is she talking about emancipation? if she is then does she realize that you will have no legal responsiblity to her? she will have to realize the legal consequences of that decision. they vary from state to state.

Is someone pushing her to do this?

ecb
12-20-2007, 11:35 PM
her teen friends have been talking to her about how messed up her situation is, and since I M the bad guy, she comes after me. I have access to her bank account, I will simply deposit her money in there and stop paying her bills that I have not already taken responsibility for. she thinks she can save up for college this way, and she wants to graduate early and go away to college after next year (a full year early, when she could take college classes for full college credit for almost free if she were still a HS student)
she has her sights so locked on the goal (being/playing grownup) that she is loosing track of the things she SAYS are of utmost importance to her (including her sisters)
I am SOOOOO dissapointed in her as a person (but I know she is not a full person yet, she is still a teen {No offense to our fellow teen knitters} but this is SOOO hard)
I made so many mistakes when I was her age, and like her thought I was doing so great, I know now I survived by the skin of my teeth SO many times. and I have to have faith she will find enough GOOD strangers to keep her alive since she does not want my support or help.
and yes I cry about this a lot (like now that the kids are asleep)
ecb

auburnchick
12-20-2007, 11:52 PM
:hug:

I'll pray for your family. Raising children is so difficult.

:hug:

cftwo
12-21-2007, 09:29 AM
I'm going to reply as someone who went to college a year early:

Dear ecb's DD:

If you're thinking about going to college a year early, you probably are getting pretty good grades in school, right? You've finished all of your college prep courses and taken advantage of all the opportunities that your high school has to offer and there's no place to go but up, right?

So, take a minute, forget about your mom's role in this, and think about YOU and your money. What expenses do you have or will you be expected to be resonsible for? How much (exactly) does college cost where you want to go? Don't forget to count tuition, room and board (gotta eat!), fees, books (be realistic here, and check out prices on some textbooks) and extras (you'll need things like toothpaste and pizza money, plus every now and then you'll want some money to spend on something just for you - clothes or whatever). Will you be commuting? Don't forget to figure in gas costs. Write it all down and take a realistic look at it. Balance that against what your income is. How stable is that income? Do you expect that it will be steady for however long it takes to finish college? Here's a hint from someone who will be paying $250 a month in student loans for another 15 years: keep your loans as LOW as you possibly can. It will make your life later a lot easier. So, next question: is there anything you can do which will help you keep your costs (and loans) down? What are your options, financially?

I am not doubting that some people can go to college early - I did it, others have, and it just might be the right decision for you. But this decision is also really your first real "grown-up" decision in that it is one which will affect you and your finances for many many years. Make sure you've thought it through - not what you think about your mom (and my mom wasn't sure I should go either), or what your friends say, but what really make sense when you look at the next 15 years. I know it seems like forever, but college is expensive and that forever is just one of the things you need to consider when you make the decision on when to go to college.

I hope you're enjoying your calculus and literature classes - college level classes go twice as fast through the material, so high school is your chance to learn them more slowly and make sure you understand them. I took both as a junior in high school, so I figure you're doing the same if you have your eye on college next year. Good luck!

jess_hawk
12-21-2007, 11:16 PM
My dad recently pointed out to me exactly how little money I will have when I graduate. Now, I'll graduate with no student loans and with the ability to stay with my family until I get a reliable job (NOT my plan - I love my family, but a 9:00 curfew (my parents go to bed early and want me home by then) is just way restrictive) - most students aren't that lucky. Student jobs only provide so much money, especially when they have to be arranged around college courses. Then take into consideration that if you are scheduled to work every night (or every other night) its that much less time to study, which makes it harder to keep your grades up.
College courses are hard, particularly if you go to a school where you have mostly big lecture classes - the teachers aren't going to walk you through every little thing. I agree with what has been said above: do what you can in high school. It goes slower and small classes make life easier (and even small classes at a private college are hard, so don't take the excuse "but I'm going to a college that doesn't have huge lectures").

knitncook
12-22-2007, 11:42 AM
I went away from college for one year. I took out student loans in order to do so. I KNEW what I wanted to be "when I grew up" I thought I was "so mature." Looking back, I wish I had taken a year just to work and then go do some travelling. I was NOT ready for college nor to make a life long career decision. I ended up paying on two loans for 5 years (albeit way back then it was only $25 a month) to go away to college for one year. I eventually went back home, lived with my parents (although I didn't have a curfew, I did have to give them the courtesy of letting them know when I would be coming in and they appreciated it was before midnight), went to the local university and learned a lot about myself. I did finally move out on my own, but it was much more calculated and with lots of research into all my costs (again, it was "way back then" and my VW Bug got a bazillion miles to the gallon and only cost $5 to fill my 8 gallon tank every 2 weeks).

My teen daughter is NOT ready to go to college full time. She takes a class a semester at the college and is planning on taking an intensive immersion Japanese class this summer. I'm in no hurry for her to "grow up" and she's in no hurry to get there. She's got her whole life to grow up and since I haven't figure out what I want to be either, I guess it's par for the course.

I don't know why our babies want to grow up so quickly!

jodstr2
12-22-2007, 12:58 PM
:hug: hugs for you, ecb. you're a good mom, you're being sensible, you have many years of wisdom over her - and you aren't being mean - you're just taking that wisdom and applying it the best way you know how. that all doesn't make it any easier to raise her but all we can do is the best we can with what we know. hang in there. stand your ground and show her consistency and backing up your own word. I have confidence that someday she'll see that you were right. :hug:

knitncook
12-22-2007, 01:04 PM
I forgot to add to remember that this is your daughter's problem and not yours. You have the responsibility as the adult guardian of her to assure that she is best provided for. When she turns 18 then she can have control over this money unless it is a trust set up in a different manner. If she is concerned about how the money is used perhaps you could sit with her and help her set up additional accounts to save for college or for other things she wants to save for. But that you still have ultimate control of the money as that is your responsibility as her parent.

Sandi
12-22-2007, 06:21 PM
I'm not sure what the whole story is here with your daughter but why is she getting SS checks to begin with?
It's hard to do but speaking from personal experience if she's not living at home and wants to be a grown up, then let her. And stop paying her bills.
My 17 year old son is finding out the hard way that it's not as much fun as he thought.

ecb
12-25-2007, 06:46 PM
I'm not sure what the whole story is here with your daughter but why is she getting SS checks to begin with?
Her Father died in early 2001, his SS survivor benefits take care of most of our needs, and I keep a small income coming in to fill in the rest. She is living with a friend as long as she keeps her nose clean, if she gets arrested or messes up her grades, she is at risk for losing that privelege (sp?)
we had a nice pizza dinner to exchange Christmas gifts, and she spent a large portion of the meal talking about how COOL it was that this sister or that sister got in a fight and Punched someone. She spread 3 incidents for one kid, and one for the other into a 7-8 incident history, and exagerating each one more than the last. her "best friend" my middle daughter even stopped talking to her at all for a part of the meal she was so uncomfortable, but nothing was going to stop her. Finally I just told everyone we had to leave, 20 min later we did.
At some point I really need to stop bending over to be nice to her. I am really not sure it is worth it.

ecb

CountryKitty
12-26-2007, 07:28 AM
You have my sympathies, she reminds me of a sister of mine. Kind of a Passive-aggressive controller. Seemed to get some kind of enjoyment out of making sure she put someone else down or squelched their enjoyment of something (controlling by determining whether or not they got to enjoy something). Honestly, I'm not even sure she entirely realized what she was doing...tho' that didn't make her behavior any easier to deal with.

Hang in there. (((((hugs)))))

Shandeh
12-26-2007, 07:42 AM
It sounds like normal teenage rebellion to me. Sometimes our teens have to learn lessons the hard way, instead of listening to our advice. One of my sons is a prime example of that fact. He isn't finished growing up yet, but he's getting better.

He used to have major anger issues: cussed me out several times, and knocked holes in my walls. I told him that I couldn't tolerate that kind of treatment, so he was on his own. Life has taught him a lot of lessons so far, and he is slowly learning.

What gets me is that he possesses a uniquely high intelligence which could take him very far in life. But, he has spent several years hanging with losers who have no intelligence at all. I can sometimes see light at the end of the tunnel when talking with him. But, then, I am also not surprised when I hear that he is in trouble again.

I just hope the "good" part of him wins in the end.
All I can do is pray, because it is my son's choice what he becomes. I can't force him to do anything.
:pray:

larudden
12-27-2007, 10:02 AM
WOW! I truly feel for you....................

When my youngest was 17, she decided that she didn't want to live at home anymore. She left HS after her junior year and got her GED and then told me she wanted to go live with her friends. I won't even tell you who her friends were and she was living in one of the most dangerous parts of town. I told her that I love her and will support her emotionally but I do not agree with how she chooses to conduct herself so she's on her own. That lasted until she got sick and her friends wouldn't help her. Her friends also thought they'd get a free ride since her dad has $$. They didn't and so they didn't care about her after that. She came home.

She got into a major emotional mess and ended up in Utah for 7 1/2 months until a month after her 18th birthday. She seemed to do ok, went to Tallahassee (4 1/2 hours away) to Florida State, CRASHED there because the very large campus was NOT for her (she's got major anxiety issues and big places are hard for her).

She's now a few months shy of her 22 birthday and I've FINALLY (Thank You, Jesus) gotten her out of Tallahassee and living with Matt and me in Orlando. She's back there right now for a week or 2 to "get closure" with her BF and the rest of her life and then I'll drive up in the truck, grab her stuff and come back. She's looking forward to getting back on track and I think she's really happy that she's gonna be "back with mom" getting lots of love and hugs and emotional support. It's taken her 4 years to figure out that she really can't do it on her own. She's taken a good long look at her life and she says she doesn't want to be that kind of person. She wants to go to school. She wants to have a career.

I don't have lots of advice to give in this situation but I do know that I would NOT tolerate any bad behavior towards you. If she wants to be on her own, let her have at it. You're probably not required to hand over the SS check because she's a minor, so I would not be so quick to do that. Emancipation is a major step and comes with all kinds of interesting stuff. I would bet that she has absolutely no idea what she would be in for. If she's staying with a friend, has she worn out her welcome yet? Is there a parent in the house and how do they feel about all this?

I would probably get some legal advice and then, if she's really pressuring you, do what I did. Alli had NO financial support from me whatsoever. Take your daughter's check and put it in an account and hand it over when she's 18 (Can you legally do that?). I wouldn't give her the money flat out because then she would have no reason to get out there and make her own way.

Kids think it's so easy (no offense to the youngins here on the board) but they have no idea how difficult it is to get everything done. They have no idea about health insurance or the dentist or if they get strep throat or have to pay for their car. It totally blows my mind when I think about it.

OK, I'll stop my soapbox. It's just that, when I think about this, all my emotions from my daughter come rising to the surface.

One more thing: Try not to beat yourself up about this. I know it'll be hard but your daughter is totally "playing you" right now and she's waiting to get a rise out of you. Don't feed into it. It'll frustrate the hell out of her and, hopefully, give you some breathing room.

Lots of luck! :grphug:

ecb
12-27-2007, 06:32 PM
WOW! I truly feel for you....................
If she wants to be on her own, let her have at it. You're probably not required to hand over the SS check because she's a minor, so I would not be so quick to do that. Emancipation is a major step and comes with all kinds of interesting stuff. I would bet that she has absolutely no idea what she would be in for. If she's staying with a friend, has she worn out her welcome yet? Is there a parent in the house and how do they feel about all this?

I would probably get some legal advice and then, if she's really pressuring you, do what I did. Alli had NO financial support from me whatsoever. Take your daughter's check and put it in an account and hand it over when she's 18 (Can you legally do that?). I wouldn't give her the money flat out because then she would have no reason to get out there and make her own way.
Kids think it's so easy (no offense to the youngins here on the board) but they have no idea how difficult it is to get everything done. They have no idea about health insurance or the dentist or if they get strep throat or have to pay for their car. It totally blows my mind when I think about it.
One more thing: Try not to beat yourself up about this. I know it'll be hard but your daughter is totally "playing you" right now and she's waiting to get a rise out of you. Don't feed into it. It'll frustrate the hell out of her and, hopefully, give you some breathing room.

Lots of luck! :grphug:
thanks, and I agree with your post big time
she is NOT getting her check, I am putting it in an account for her, an account SHE opened, when there is enough in it for me to put it in a CD with a FIXED maturity time, I will do that as well, and make ALL FUTURE deposits to that CD.

When she is 20 she will get it, or 21.

The home she is living in, is the home of a friend of MINE whom she is also friends with. She has a room & board allowance that goes to the MOM of the house, to pay for heating oil, gas, food etc. Not spending money, and she gets hand-me-downs from this womans nieces (VERY nice bairly used clothes frequently)
Her CHOICE of MD costs $160 for a basic office visit, no bloodwork, no vaccinations, just a history and physical, and a pat on the head and "go eat some red meat you look anemic" (remember the no bloodwork comment?)
NOT my choice of medical professionals, I am a nurse. Her choice, and next visit she will pay for out of her own paycheck (yes she holds down a job, when not in school, and babysits a lot when in school on weekends)
She has chosen to get a second (third) savings account in a bank other than the one I use (since she cannot trust me or anything I am connected with :roll: ) and she is (aparently) putting ALL her money in there.

Just today I made arraingments for her sisters and I to meet with her GodMother, who lives in Ireland, and have lunch (since we are both driving 3 hours to get together Lunch seemed most appropriate) She is actually down near where we are meeting and they are coming home that morning. I arrainged for her to be allowed in the restaraunt BEFORE THEY OPENED, so she would not have to wait at a gas station or something on a saturday morning, because they are leaving the area before the place opens that day. She had orriginally told me she would just hang out at downtown small town in maine till we got there. After I arrainged this she called me back upset and asked for the phone number of her godmother so she could call and have them come up 4-5 hours earlier so she could have breakfast with them instead, becasue se wants to go home and work on a school project she has due her first day back after break (she has had HOW LONG to get this project done? and her GodMother came from IRELAND to see us???)
sorry, I have NO IDEA how I came up with such a SPOILED ROTTEN kid. I had no clue she wuld end up like this. I am sorry to freak out, but I have put this kid in People to People exchange programs, Charity abraod programs, bent over backwards to give her the things she could BUILD on to become the BEST PERSON she could, and she is being a TOTAL prima-dona princess :!!!: Let me STOP now
the only saving grace (possibly) is that my other two know I M not joking about my rules, and they are working hard to stick to them.

Sorry to go on so.....

ecb

larudden
12-28-2007, 11:33 AM
sorry, I have NO IDEA how I came up with such a SPOILED ROTTEN kid. I had no clue she wuld end up like this. I am sorry to freak out, but I have put this kid in People to People exchange programs, Charity abraod programs, bent over backwards to give her the things she could BUILD on to become the BEST PERSON she could, and she is being a TOTAL prima-dona princess :!!!:

Oh gosh, I think I've said those same words so many times! Kids love to see how far they can push parents. When Alli was being difficult (such a nice choice of words, don'tcha think?:lol: ), I cried and cried and said those same words. I don't know why this happens and, believe me, I've agonized over it for YEARS. In my daughter's case, it's alot of circumstances that happened to shape her emotional world. However, she always knew how to get to me and she would badger me and badger me until I was either screaming or in tears. Finally, I just did the "parrot thing" to her and it really pissed her off! "I'm sorry but I'm not going to talk about this. I'm sorry but I'm not going to talk about this." Every time she would come back at me, I'd repeat the same thing. Made her crazy, I tell you, because she knew her arrow wasn't landing anywhere.

GOOD FOR YOU :yay: about the bank account. I chuckle about you daughter getting an account in another bank because she thinks she's "sticking it" to you and, frankly, don't let it bother you. This way, if she starts overdrawing her account and getting fees on top of fees, you won't have to see it. My two youngest daughters (I have 3) both can't get bank accounts until they clear up the MAJOR fees that they incurred years ago. Oh well, it's there credit score I say. If anything else, it's a great learning experience.

I'm interested in the whole GodMother scenario. Is her GM tough or can your daughter run right over her? Is she "on your side?" I hope that the visit turns out ok. Maybe GM can give you DD some wisdom.

Keep us posted. I'll be thinking about you and am happy to be a "shoulder" if you need one. :heart:

ecb
01-01-2008, 08:17 PM
I'll be thinking about you and am happy to be a "shoulder" if you need one. :heart:
thanks, one of us should move, as much snow as we have been having, it might just be me, for a week or so
JK

ecb

CountryKitty
01-02-2008, 08:21 AM
Sorry to go on so.....

ecb


Don't be, we understand and sympathize.:grphug: