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View Full Version : Hurt and angry - Apology page 3; Pray for me, please, also.


Chikky
01-14-2008, 01:37 AM
I know no one here really knows me. And it's ok if you don't care. I just have to vent.

A dear 'friend' and I had an argument tonight, spawned over something so stupid... I had no idea the topic was so touchy to him. And it was over IM, so we all know how that goes. And I never seem to say things or explain things right. I look like the bad guy. I look like the unwantable person.

And worse, when I said how upset and crying I was, he never said he was sorry.

I hate that I ruin my chances with him so much. I seem to do everything wrong. I wasn't like this before. He liked so many things about me that I think he thinks the opposite of me now.

And at times like these I really hate what my life has become. Endless medical bills, no money, medical tests, feeling crappy and awful every day. Talks that revolve around my health every day, ruining plans, being constantly tired... I really can't take it anymore. I want to be like other people. The people I work with who I hear talking about their lives, as I sit there miserable. They talk about shopping and their SO and their lives.

I am so sorry for being me sometimes.

Jan in CA
01-14-2008, 01:42 AM
I'm sorry you're feeling so low. I hope you feel better soon. :hug:

I'm not sure who is at fault here, but maybe you can say you're sorry that things ended so badly and that you'd like to talk again. If he's important to you let him know and explain why you're upset.

I also don't know what your health problems are, but maybe there is a support group for you?

Chikky
01-14-2008, 01:48 AM
I dont know who's at fault. I'll say me for bringing it up and... well, I like to 'debate' so I didnt know how annoyed he really was. To me it didnt matter.

Plus it's really late for him and he absolutely needs sleep because he'll never catch up during the week. He's so busy.

I dont know that bringing it up would be better or worse. I seem to come out the bad guy when it comes to alot of things, but this especially. I want to be 'the one', not the 'mistake'. I think I am.

And I'd like to know what my medical problem is too. Year and a half of testing and no go on diagnosis or treatment.

Jan in CA
01-14-2008, 01:55 AM
:pout: Other than saying you're sorry I'm not sure what to suggest. I hope they can find what your health issues are so you can feel better, too.

KnittingNat
01-14-2008, 04:21 AM
I'll give you a virtual :hug: first of all! I'm not sure that this guy thinks the opposite about you or doesn't like you anymore. My dh and I are crazy about each other, but sometimes we both are very tired and nervous and we can fight. Being with someone is not liking every little bit, but also acknowledge the less appealing sides of that person. Maybe if you're not good in expressing yourself, you could just sit down and try to write to yourself what would you like to say to that person, make a list. And then talk to him about it, while explaining what you did and reading from that list. If he's important to you, you should tell him that, maybe he feels you don't care enough.
I hope the doctors will find what's wrong with your health. Did you try to look on the internet for information on symptoms. I've had some problems for the last 3 years of constant fatigue
and tiredness and also some gyno problems and eventually i decided to get off the pill and the marvel - i feel so much better in those past 2 months. So maybe you should check your lifestyle. And the most important thing - don't feel so down. Life is wonderful to those who think it's wonderful. Try to wake up in the morning and tell yourself that life is great and think of all the good things you have. Smile more :thumbsup: . I hope i cheered you up a bit. If you want, you can PM me. Sending you big :hug: from the frozen Holyland.

SusanAnn
01-14-2008, 05:32 AM
I don't know if you have explained the anxiety of your health problems to your friend, but it might be worth while doing so. I know that when I am constantly worried and physically low it puts a big strain on my relationships with the people I love.

Also, you don't know if he is thinking all this negative stuff about you, it's just your interpretation of how is feeling. I've been married a long while and I know that I still misinterpret what my husband has said or how he feels about things, it's just so easy to do.

Big hugs to you...I hope you get answers about your physical problems soon.

auburnchick
01-14-2008, 09:39 AM
:hug:

nonny2t
01-14-2008, 09:41 AM
I have always had the opinion that no matter what is going on with me, someone is always in a worse place and can use my sympathy and help. I am always thankful when things go wrong (after a little bit of poor me time) because it makes me stop and realize I am not the most important thing in life.

As I have posted, I had emergency surgery in Oct, have to go through this awful test in February, surgery again in April, we had to put our cat to sleep on Friday, but with all of that, I can be thankful. My husband and I went through a time of great financial difficulty and it very tough to go on, but we did.

God has allowed me two beautiful children, their spouses, my grandchildren all happy and healthy. I have a wonderful husband of 35 years who has nursed me back to health having to do some truly horrid things but tells me at least a dozen times a day he loves me.

I am not unsympathetic to your plight. It is tough to go through bad spots, but from experience, the best thing you can do is to see how the other half lives so to speak. There are always others, even close to you, who are suffering way more than you. They can always use your help and prayers. When you reach out to someone else you allay your own problems.

My sister once said to me, when you take your problems to the cross, don't go back and pick them up again. Wise words indeed. I let God handle it as I know he will always do what is best for me.

Chikky
01-14-2008, 11:48 AM
Thank you, all of you. I'm so glad I can come someplace so caring and feel a bit more uplifted.

I know there are people worse off than I... In my family, especially. My great uncle is dying, and a cousin, and my one grandmother is not well at all. I feel guilty sometimes for getting down on my own problems.

As for him, he knows everything about me, health-wise. He tells me not to worry, he'll worry for me. Maybe he was tired. In a bad mood. Maybe I just hit a sore spot. His own nephew has cancer and (though this is not what we were talking about) somehow came into play with this particular conversation. Money's a sore subject with him, I guess.

Thanks again, everyone.

saracidaltendencies
01-14-2008, 11:56 AM
*hugs* I hope things turn around for you. I think it's probably safest to say maybe you were both, to an extent, at fault. I know that doesn't make everything better, but, I've had enough arguments in life to realize, more times than not, both parties are to blame, at least to a certain point.

I'm sorry to hear about the medical issues. You haven't mentioned many symptoms, however, the constant fatigue sounds a lot like a problem a friend of mine has...CFS, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. It interferes with a person's life far beyond just being tired, and, I don't think there's really a definitive way to diagnose it. You may want to at least Google it and see your symptoms match that of CFS sufferers. Also, here's a link to a site with more info:

http://www.cdc.gov/cfs/

photolady
01-14-2008, 04:02 PM
:hug: :muah: :sad:
Sorry to hear you're having a hard time. Stop blaming yourself.
Don't beat yourself up about this.
That will just set u up in the future for more stress.

We all make mistakes, in relationships. We all do GOOD things, in relationships, too. We have value in ourselves, we are capable of making ourselves calm, and happy, and of making someone else
happy, IF they can accept it.

Some people, no matter how hard you try, will find someone to criticize, something bad to talk about, they'll bring out their wet blanket and smother your joy. Just learn to detach from people who won't accept you for who you are. Find other things in life that bring you joy, that put a smile on your face.

scout52
01-14-2008, 04:20 PM
:hug: :hug:

ChrissyB
01-14-2008, 05:50 PM
Just wanted to say I hope you are feeling better. I agree, like other people have said, even if you are madly in love with someone, there are bound to be time when you don't get along. Its just kind of the way things work.
Sorry to hear you are having unknown health problems. If the regular doctors can't help you, maybe its time to check out a naturopath if you can find one in your area. Sometimes we focus on test and procedures, and overlook things like lifestyle and nutrition etc. It might be worth a try. Good luck with whatever happens.

Chikky
01-14-2008, 06:22 PM
Again, thanks. As for him, he just sent me a text from work asking if I was ok. I'm not sure how to answer. I mean, I kinda am, but I was so upset I aggravated my condition and made myself sick.

Symptoms? I can't eat anything. Or I feel like I've been punched in thge stomach. For a few days, a sip of water would do that. Needless to say, last year I lost about 40 pounds in a month. It is fairly constant, and no medicine or surgery has helped or given a definite diagnosis. For awhile I was on 3 meds, 4 times a day. My food consumption some days is a popsicle, or toast. I'm not hungry.

So no fun food. No grease, oil, no vegetables, onions, seeds, spicy, lactose, soy, no greens, wheat, no kind of dressing, caffiene, chocolate... Should I go on? It's pretty much no food at all. And even if it is as bland as can be, I can't really mix foods together. And even then it still might make me miserable.

So there's that, and just being tired and just.... unwanting to do anything.

I'm 28 and I need naps during the day and fall asleep early. I can't go out and do things... I really kinda suck, heh. As for doctors, I've gone to specialists already and I'm going somewhere an hour or so away to get to this clinic. Been waiting since November, and my appointment's in March.

yarnrainbow
01-14-2008, 07:12 PM
Symptoms? I can't eat anything. Or I feel like I've been punched in thge stomach. For a few days, a sip of water would do that. Needless to say, last year I lost about 40 pounds in a month. It is fairly constant, and no medicine or surgery has helped or given a definite diagnosis. For awhile I was on 3 meds, 4 times a day. My food consumption some days is a popsicle, or toast. I'm not hungry.

So no fun food. No grease, oil, no vegetables, onions, seeds, spicy, lactose, soy, no greens, wheat, no kind of dressing, caffiene, chocolate... Should I go on? It's pretty much no food at all. And even if it is as bland as can be, I can't really mix foods together. And even then it still might make me miserable.

Wow, your symptoms sound a LOT like my niece's symptoms. She has Crohn's disease. She was diagnosed 4 years ago. When she goes through a "flare", she is miserable. She can eat barely anything (amount-wise), she's very limited in what she can eat (e.g., no greasy food, no seeds, nuts, celery, etc.), and she is extremely fatigued and in a lot of pain. The good news is when she's not in a "flare", she's pretty much fine as long as she watches what she eats. They use the terms "in remission" (even though its not cancer) and "having a flare" when her condition worsens. You may want to check it out with your doctor and see if that may be your issue. Here's a link (http://www.medicinenet.com/crohns_disease/page3.htm) to some information about Crohn's. Hope you get to feeling better. :hug:

mks22300
01-14-2008, 07:47 PM
:hug: :hug:

ChrissyB
01-14-2008, 07:56 PM
I just wondered if anyone ever checked for gastroparesis (?sp). It is a condition where the intestines don't work to push food along, so it basicly just sits there and does nothing. The fatigue is most likely related to the fact that you can't get enough calories to function. There is also a prescription appetite stimulant that is a derivitive of marajauna. That might sound bad, but it is supposed to work well, and is a prescription medication. And I would look into a naturopath too, you never know they might have a solution for you. Good luck.

Jan in CA
01-14-2008, 08:23 PM
Again, thanks. As for him, he just sent me a text from work asking if I was ok.


IMO this says a LOT. If he didn't care he wouldn't even bother. He does care. People fight sometimes and then they have to make up. You have to decide if what the argument was over was a big enough thing to ruin a relationship. If the answer is no then you can move forward. :hug:

I'm sure they probably have looked at Crohn's Disease, but those symptoms do sound similar. I really hope you're feeling better today! :hug:

ecb
01-14-2008, 08:38 PM
Another thing to think about on the side of Crohn's disease is Celiac Disease, eating Glutinous foods (foods with Gluten in it) irritates the intestinal walls where nutrient absorption occurs
Kids with this have coarse brittle shirt hair, and are short in stature, and can be sickly as their body is at a constant deficit of Proteins and nutrients
Good Luck

ecb

auburnchick
01-14-2008, 08:42 PM
My husband has had Crohn's Disease almost from the time I met him, about 20 years ago. Some of the symptoms are the same, but others are not.

The only thing I can recommend is that you read Jordan Rubin's book, "The Maker's Diet." He suffered from a severe case of Crohn's Disease. The point of this book, however, is to educate the public about how various foods affect the body, and how you can use nutrition to heal a lot of disorders.

:hug: to you. I remember when my dh went through all of the symptoms, but no one could figure out what was wrong with him. We thought he was dying, and I'm not exaggerating. It took the right doctor -- and he's still not better, but we at least know what's wrong with him.

Jennyloves2knit
01-14-2008, 08:58 PM
I hope that you feel better soon :hug: Sorry you are having such a difficult time. Try not to be so hard on yourself. With your medical problems, now is the time to be the kindest and most loving towards yourself. :muah:

knitgal
01-14-2008, 10:29 PM
Along with everyone else, I will send you a :hug:
It must be horrible have an illness that cannot be diagnosed. It sounds a lot like when I was depressed actually. Having such a hard time with your health is probably making you depressed. Not eating is making you tired and being tired you probably don't want to eat. Vicious cycle really. I hope your March appointment helps in diagnosing your illness and until then you can always rant to us at KH!

kimmypooh
01-15-2008, 02:21 AM
sounds like Chrons to me as well. My daughter has it and it took four Dr's to find out what was going on.

Chikky
01-15-2008, 10:44 PM
Well... An update for him, heh...

He apologised... About six or so times last night. He got online and immediately was sorry. Plus, I was so sick with my whatever it is... And it was either someone I ate that was stupidly kinda spicy, plus he got me so upset it made me flare up. He thought he about killed me! It got to the point that I had to tell him that I appreciated how sorry he was, but he had to stop dwelling on it and saying it, because I get really emotional when I get flared up or whatever, and I was going to cry!

So, all's pretty well there.

scout52
01-16-2008, 12:03 AM
that's great!! he cares so much!!

Chikky
01-19-2008, 06:29 PM
Yeah... He cares. He listens to me as I'm crying because I don't feel well. He holds me when I can't move.

But... Ok, seriously. This has what it's come to.

I cannot. Cannot take not feeling well anymore. Every day of my life is just me trying to get through the hours feeling awful. My work has suffered. My schoolwork has suffered. My life has suffered.

I am suffering.

I don't know what to do. My next specialist appointment isn't until March, and I made that in November. That's how long it takes to get in. My friend tells me how close I am to getting to that appointment, but I see it as so far away. I just can't take it anymore. I can't have any kind of life. I don't want to do anything. I can't do anything. I can't eat. I'm in pain. I feel awful.

I can't take it anymore.

knitgal
01-19-2008, 06:36 PM
Do not give up. Sometimes life can get very difficult, but it does get better. They will figure out what is wrong and you will get better. You have to believe this. You are very depressed right now, it is clear to me as I have also been depressed and you need help. Make an appointment with your family doctor to discuss how you're feeling. There is no need for you to feel like this. You're not alone in your feeling depressed too, it happens to many people. I was only a young teen when I was depressed, but I contemplated suicide and had many negative thoughts. I hope you're not thinking anything like this, but if you are, you need to call someone and talk through it. You don't need to go through these feelings by yourself. Your sickness is clearly causing you to be depressed, but it doesn't need to. Perhaps the sickness is even aggrivated by the depression. It's hard to heal when you're feeling so low.
Please get some help, and post on here to let me know you're okay. It's a tough thing to go through, but you're not alone.

Chikky
01-19-2008, 06:47 PM
Thank you... though I'm not thinking of 'going there', I am just completely at a loss as to what to do. I can't make it better, and I have so long before anyone can begin to try to figure something out for me.

I'm at a loss. And that is a frustrating and angering thing.

knitgal
01-19-2008, 06:58 PM
It's very frustrating, but remember that you are in charge of your life. You need to make things better. Do things that make you happy, things you like to do. Take time for yourself and knit, take a bath, watch a movie. The best thing I can recommend is to talk to a professional. They are trained to help you. This has been going on too long. If you need to talk, I'm here.

greenwitchknitter
01-19-2008, 10:39 PM
A great quote I have loved that has helped me in my times of struggle...
"Constant as the stars above, ALWAYS know that you are loved."
Loved by the random lady at the grocery store you say hello to, by all the great people here, and by the great spirit who loves us all.

Chikky
01-19-2008, 11:42 PM
Wow... Thanks again. That's a really nice quote.

I'm so happy that I can come here and get such support. I'm rally glad I joined here. Everyone is so helpful and supportive. I only have really one or two real life friends and I've kinda worn him out I think, heh, with having to listen to me.

:muah: :hug:


(By the way, I find it funny that the kissy one is 'muah', since that is what my family and I have said to each other for many years now.)

Shandeh
01-21-2008, 02:47 AM
I'm praying!

ArtLady1981
01-22-2008, 12:14 AM
Hi Chikky!

I had to quit the IM thing with my dear granddaughter, who is now 21...but at the time, she was about 17-going-on-47!

She loves me to death, and vice versa...but...

She says things on the IM that she wouldn't say to me in person or on the phone...she gets a little bravehearted on IM or email...my feelings get hurt, and I get sucked into a diatribe back and forth.

Not good.

Face-to-face, or over the phone, is always best for she and I!

No emailing, no IM-ing.

You may not have face-to-face or tele as an option, but if you can, try to repair things by one of those modes.

Email and IM can so easily be "read wrong" and mis-understood.

Hugs, :hug:

Artlady