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View Full Version : Look at What I Bought My Daughter for Her 16th Birthday -- UPDATE: She Opened Them


auburnchick
01-20-2008, 07:51 PM
My daughter turns 16 on Tuesday. Where, oh where, have the years gone!

Here's what I bought her (bet you thought it was a car, eh?):

Her first diamonds...1/3 carat, with good color and clarity (see my blog for details of that interesting shopping experience).


http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2286/2207123879_ecf3a90ec7.jpg



Every girl needs a decent jewelry box to keep her stuff in. I got this one at Things Remembered and had a plate engraved for the top. Only problem is that the plate came off in the box and scratched the top. I'll have to get another one in the morning.


http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2179/2207915342_19480d63de.jpg

knitgal
01-20-2008, 08:31 PM
That is just lovely! I got my first diamond last year, for my 21st birthday. It really was just a wonderful gift that I hold dear to my heart. Your daughter will love this gift- great job momma!

snowbear
01-20-2008, 10:12 PM
beautiful, perfect, and so very special. You did awesome girl!:yay:

Krystal
01-20-2008, 10:17 PM
That is so sweet. I'm sure she will love it! :inlove:

I received my first diamond on my 16th too. It was my great grandmothers engagement ring, and my birthstone. (Family tradition to receive a genuine birthstone ring on your 16th)

I absolutely love it and still wear it today, which is pretty big for me since I am not crazy about Jewelery. I only have 3 things I never take off... The diamond ring, and my Engagement ring and Wedding Band.

get_her_donne
01-20-2008, 10:43 PM
How special! I got my first diamonds for my 16th birthday also, my great aunt's diamond ring and some earrings from my parents. They are so special to me, and I know your daughter will treasure her's too :)

figaro
01-20-2008, 11:00 PM
Very nice Auburnchick, she should be very proud of those.

Jan in CA
01-20-2008, 11:34 PM
Those look beautiful! Happy Birthday to her!

DQ
01-21-2008, 06:01 AM
They're beautiful. I hope your daughter has a wonderful birthday :hug:

Ronda
01-21-2008, 07:22 AM
Beautiful!!

dustinac
01-21-2008, 09:54 AM
Beautiful!! She will love them :happydance:

Samsam
01-21-2008, 10:05 AM
What a nice gift! on my 16th I received yarn :teehee: the things I make/made out of it will be like a diamond too :)

jodstr2
01-21-2008, 11:10 AM
those are gorgeous, Nathalie! you did good! lucky girl! :woohoo:

greenwitchknitter
01-21-2008, 11:49 AM
Nice choice! my mom gave me my first diamond on my sixteenth.. what a cherished memory, she will remember it forever!

The.Knitter
01-21-2008, 11:54 AM
Lovely gift! Just one word of caution for you.... did you get the screw on backs? If you don't want the back getting caught in her hair and pulling it off hence loosing the earring you should look into getting the screw on backs. I got them for mine and have never once lost them.

She should just love this gift, so thoughtful!!!

auburnchick
01-21-2008, 12:17 PM
did you get the screw on backs?



Yep...sure did. I have a good friend who I was talking to last week. She had her earrings in and strongly advised me to get the screw back. It was the one thing I wouldn't compromise on when dh and I went shopping.

Thanks for the kind words, all. I'm a bit nervous for her to open them tomorrow. She's very opinionated and has made us feel bad about the gifts we've given in the past. But, I know the thought and care I put into picking them out. I guess that's what matters in the end.

:hug:

iza
01-21-2008, 12:35 PM
:inlove: Those earrings are gorgeous! :cheering: What a special gift! I'm sure she will like them. And if she doesn't, you can adopt me, I'll take 'em. :teehee: I'm 32 though. I guess it's 16x2... :shifty:

When I turned 16, among the gifts my mom gave me, I got a single red rose. She had it delivered to me. I will always remember that! :teehee:

Nobones
01-21-2008, 01:05 PM
Is getting Diamonds for a girls birthday a traditional thing in the US?

I'm 29 in a couple of weeks and just asked hubby if I can have diamonds... Won't write he said, but I don't think I'll be having any.

I had a video for my 16th birthday. Tape that is, not a player! I asked for a horror film and was bought 'The Hitcher'. Never mind.

GinnyG
01-21-2008, 01:57 PM
BEAUTIFUL, she's a lucky girl!!!

cftwo
01-21-2008, 02:26 PM
Nobones,

I don't think there are any traditions for 16th birthdays in the US - except that they're usually considered pretty special and you often get something nice.

I got an heirloom garnet ring for my 16th birthday - it was my great-aunt's and then my mom's, and in 10 years, I'll give it to my oldest niece for her 16th birthday.

auburnchick
01-21-2008, 03:30 PM
And if she doesn't, you can adopt me, I'll take 'em. :teehee: I'm 32 though. I guess it's 16x2... :shifty:



:roflhard:

Now you're starting to sound like me! I keep trying to get ArtLady to adopt me so she can make me some of those beautiful sweaters she makes her daughters and granddaughters.

For my 16th birthday, I received my grandmother's strand of pearls. She came all the way from France to give them to me too.

grandmabobbi
01-21-2008, 07:51 PM
Beautiful! I got my first diamonds for Easter when I was 16. They're still so special to me, I'm sure your daughter will treasure them.

grandmabobbi
01-21-2008, 08:17 PM
Yep...sure did. I have a good friend who I was talking to last week. She had her earrings in and strongly advised me to get the screw back. It was the one thing I wouldn't compromise on when dh and I went shopping.

Thanks for the kind words, all. I'm a bit nervous for her to open them tomorrow. She's very opinionated and has made us feel bad about the gifts we've given in the past. But, I know the thought and care I put into picking them out. I guess that's what matters in the end.

:hug:
I'm sorry to hear about your past gifting experiences, but I'm sure she will appreciate them later. Even if she doesn't realize the thought and love that you put into them now, she will some day. I know my mom used to give me gifts that I didn't necessarily love at the time (and that's putting it lightly), but even though I'm only 18 now, I already appreciate the thought my mom put into them, even if she didn't always get it just right. Hope that helps!

treehugger14
01-21-2008, 09:37 PM
i just had my 16th b-day and all my mom got me was OotP dvd...well tis okay, i wanted it anyway! :)

Krystal
01-21-2008, 10:08 PM
Is getting Diamonds for a girls birthday a traditional thing in the US?

Depends on the family. In general 16 is considered something a bit more special.. Sweet Sixteen and all.

My mom's birthday is normally forgotten since it is smack dab in between Christmas and New years. So when her sister saved up and bought her a gorgeous birthstone ring for her 16th, it really meant something to her. She has never taken it off, except when she had it sized last yr because she lost weight. The meaning behind it struck a cord with my mom and aunt and so they decided to make it a tradition, and any daughter of theirs would receive their birthstone ring for their 16th bday. My birthstone just happened to be a diamond.

saracidaltendencies
01-21-2008, 11:01 PM
How pretty, I'm sure she'll love them!

The.Knitter
01-21-2008, 11:09 PM
Thanks for the kind words, all. I'm a bit nervous for her to open them tomorrow. :hug:

Don't be nervous, just smile and know that "diamonds ARE a girl's best friend" and she will LOVE them!!!

Dangles
01-22-2008, 01:58 AM
They are absolutely beautiful.

auburnchick
01-22-2008, 09:36 PM
Well, my daughter opened her gifts a little while ago.

I brought out the big one (jewelry box) first. She opened it and complained that it was too big and she didn't have enough stuff to put in it.

Then I brought out her other gift (the earrings). She opened them and said, "Oh, thanks."

That's it. No smile, except the forced one for the picture. Not anything else.

I started cleaning up the kitchen, a bit surprised and most definitely hurt.

I finally went in her room and asked her if she liked them. "They're fine," she said.

I don't get it. We talked about it. She doesn't understand why I think she needs to jump around. I said that a simple thank you would have been nice. I know she doesn't show her emotions that well, but if it had been a car in that driveway, the whole city would have heard her scream.

Then she told me that she's "learned not to expect much" as far as gifts go.

Um...okay.

I told her it was about the thought behind the gift, and we're sorry we can't afford a car.

Such a let-down.

:cry:

Hildegard_von_Knittin
01-22-2008, 09:41 PM
:(

she does realise they're DIAMONDS, right????

sue in canada
01-22-2008, 09:46 PM
Sorry you were disappointed by her reaction. Such a shame when you were so excited about the gift. I guess that is teenagers for you, they can appear so ungrateful at times.

knitgal
01-22-2008, 09:46 PM
I'm so sorry this happened. Hopefully soon she will realise how much thought and love went into this gift. At 16, sometimes teens don't know how good they have it. I find a lot of teens now (and maybe always) are all about "me" and what they want. She will realise, even if it's a couple years from now, what a great gift this is and how special they are. Maybe that's why my parents waited until my 21st birthday?

auburnchick
01-22-2008, 09:47 PM
Yeah, I made that point pretty clear during our talk later. I even tried to explain that her earrings weigh as much as my engagement ring, and I do not own diamond earrings myself.

She's not thinking of anyone else, I'm afraid. So typical.

It's okay. I think I'm figuring out that this is a business arrangement...forget relationship.

Oh, and I even bought her peach-colored roses today and had them for her when I picked her up from school. I just loved that idea that someone else posted. She did like the flowers. I could tell that.

It was almost like she expected something else to happen this evening...surprise party? I don't know. I just know that I let her down.

bethany
01-22-2008, 10:00 PM
I'm so sorry. I'm sure she was hoping for the car, but come on. It was a wonderful gift-both actually-and it's something she will appreciate when she gets asked to Prom. :)

scout52
01-22-2008, 10:23 PM
I think the earrings are beautiful!! I'm so sorry she didn't appreciate them. I'm sure a part of her likes them. Not every 16 year old has diamond earrings so I'm sure a part of her realizes just how special that gift was.

I don't believe most kids expect cars. i think they hope for cars. I never expected a car for my 16th birthday. My parents got me and my twin rings and we loved them. emeralds with little diamonds on the side, bc that's our birthstone. I still wear it and I'm 30 now.

I bought my own car for my 17th birthday. and I appreciated it MUCH more because I bought it. I was in sports and I had to watch my little brother and sister. My parents didn't have a lot of money so if I wanted a car, I had to get it myself. There is no reason why she can't get a part time job and save up for it. believe me she will appreciate it more and DRIVE MORE SAFELY if she paid for it herself.

snowbear
01-22-2008, 10:25 PM
First off, realize you didn't let her down. You have loved, cared and provided for her. There are those kids that no matter what you do, it wouldn't be the right things. When she is older, she hopefully will realize the sacrifices you have done for her.

When she has a child, and takes her to the soccer practices like you have, sacrificed things so she could do what she wanted to do or sacrified things you needed, like a warmer coat.. etc... she will realize hopefully how much you have done.

Be assured there are many who never rec'd earings, or roses. There are many whose parents didn't go all the extra miles for their kids, You have provided her w/ love, guidance, and security. Some day hopefully she will realize it.

There is no gurantee, but do know this. You have put her first, you have tried your best at the time to raise your child in the way you feel she should go..

NEVER,, I repeat, NEVER appologize for that and NEVER appologize and never sell yourself short!

Big Snowbear Hugs!

Pat in Ca
01-22-2008, 10:54 PM
I can feel your pain.. because I have a 16 year old daughter also..
Are you sure that she did not just have something horrible happen at school? Maybe some kids were mean? I definately think you should take her to taco bell.... or some place like that, that she feels comfortable ALONE just the two of you.. and tell her how hurt you are.. my daughter has reduced me to tears before...have her open up and talk about it , the two of you..ask her to tell you her feelings...
And I realize that at this age, there is really NOTHING you can do to make her happy (or sad)... it all has something to do with learning to grow up that has to be done alone...Expectations are high with these kids, my daughter wants a dog,, I cannot get that for her for many reasons..(We have a cat) .. My sister told me she needs to learn to "deal with dissapointment".. I think that is true for my daughter.. funny , she doesn't want a car yet.. I think it is way to early for a car.. so talk with her again....Good luck and know that others been through the same thing and it hurts!!
This is the most difficult age for kids..and parents.. just keep talking..

ChrissyB
01-22-2008, 10:55 PM
I don't think you should feel like you let her down. You did something super nice for her, and bought a thoughtful, expensive gift. I think if I was you, I might just take them back, I know that sounds mean, but that is probably what I would do. I have to say, about a car, though, that I don't think a 16 year old should even have their own car, so don't feel bad for not getting her one. All kids should have to work tword paying for at least some of their first car, it makes it so much better. Anyway, you are a better woman than I for keeping your cool with her. I would have lost it. Hugs to you and know you daughter is lucky to have you. Some day when she grows up she will know that.

WildMountainHoney
01-22-2008, 11:03 PM
:hug:

I doubt you disappointed her. And of course she is only thinking of herself - perfectly normal and expected behavior in a 16 year old. I require myself, a mom to young kids now, to remember at least once a week how I felt as a teen, so hopefully I won't be too surprised when my kids get there.

Just an aside, but other than a car, do you know what she wanted? A party? A cell phone? Might explain part of her reaction, maybe.

Also, I hope you did tell her, in your long talk, the thought and decision process that led you to the diamonds, and that *you* are disappointed that she doesn't seem that into them. Maybe suggest that for mother's day, you two need a nice dinner out so she has reason to dress up and wear them?

I'm glad the roses pleased her.

I wish you peace.

auburnchick
01-22-2008, 11:14 PM
Thanks, y'all, for the very kind words.

:hug:

She just came in here before going to bed and apologized for ruining my day. Um, it wasn't my day to ruin, now was it? I told her I was more concerned about her happiness. I just want her to be happy.

She said that she does like the jewelry box and earrings. She doesn't look overly thrilled, but I guess that's just teen-dom for you.

I think that she is hormonal right now...which explains why she can't really figure out what she's feeling.

She also said that she really doesn't know what she wanted for her birthday. (Me thinks a blank check would have done nicely.)

Anyhow, we'll figure it out as we go along.

Oh, and I did explain our thought processes as we picked out the gift. I even told her that her father and I went to the mall together to pick them out. We never do that anymore.

Anyhow, it will be okay in time...like maybe another 15 years or so. ;)

Thanks again, y'all!

:muah:

iza
01-22-2008, 11:20 PM
sigh... kids. :hug:Don't take it too personal. It doesn't matter what you do, she's just being... a teenager. As I always say, a teenager's job is to be annoying to his/her parents. Now, well, she probably realized she overdid it and ended up ruining her own birthday. I'm glad she went to talk to you. It's a good sign.:hug:

Pat in Ca
01-22-2008, 11:45 PM
I believe her when she said she did not know what she wanted...
They are just leaning that "presents" are not what makes them happy anymore...it is a good lesson eh?

cdjack
01-22-2008, 11:52 PM
Hate to admit this, but I can see myself doing something like that at that age. It most likely wasn't the gift. It was probably like you said, hormonal or just high expectations of her sixteenth birthday. I don't remember what I thought was supposed to happen on that day, but I do remember that whatever did happen wasn't special enough, wasn't "Sweet Sixteen" enough. Molly Ringwald didn't show up. :teehee:

treehugger14
01-22-2008, 11:53 PM
dudes, seriously, I'm a teenager and I don't think of myself constantly. I just turned 16 a week ago and I wasn't expecting anything overly special. although a lot of teens are like you say, I don't think you should make a generalization and say all teens are this way.

Sry for the above rant. I totally don't want a car yet...but we also can't afford one. My sis who's now 18 still doesn't have her own car. so don't think of that. And maybe a surprise party might've made your daughter even madder, like a "you guys are embarrassing" thing. I would have been overly grateful for those diamonds...though i'm not much of a girly girl. But i would've been grateful that Mom thought so highly of me to buy me special Jewelry. But what do I know, I'm only 16.

kellyh57
01-23-2008, 12:31 AM
:hug:So sorry to hear you daughter's reaction. I know you've had a tough year with her and this just adds to it. You poor thing. I wish I could be there and give you a real hug.

On another note, I remember as a teen being in a horrible mood on my birthday because the weather sucked. I have an April birthday, whaddya expect? Last year my birthday sucked. It was on Easter- my favorite holiday. I ended up going to church alone since my husband got called for work. He spent the entire day on the phone until it was bowling time. Then he left me home with the boys. I was also newly pregnant and not feeling well :(

Some day she'll look back and realize just how nasty she was and really regret it.

Kelly

starburst
01-23-2008, 01:07 AM
:hug:So sorry to hear you daughter's reaction. I know you've had a tough year with her and this just adds to it. You poor thing. I wish I could be there and give you a real hug.

On another note, I remember as a teen being in a horrible mood on my birthday because the weather sucked. I have an April birthday, whaddya expect? Last year my birthday sucked. It was on Easter- my favorite holiday. I ended up going to church alone since my husband got called for work. He spent the entire day on the phone until it was bowling time. Then he left me home with the boys. I was also newly pregnant and not feeling well :(

Some day she'll look back and realize just how nasty she was and really regret it.

Kelly
My niece was born last easter :) We did the math and I think her/your birthday won't fall on easter for another 79 years, so I think you're set ;)

While reading this post, I tried my hardest to figure out what I got for my sixteenth birthday. I think my mom got me a necklace but it was fairly inexpensive and broke about a week later. I didn't get a car, but that was because I had an old car waiting for me to drive already. I think 15/16 is about the time when birthdays just stop being fun. Kids are often made to feel as if they should get big impressive presents, and when they don't, they feel guilty for wanting them. I don't think that this necessarily applies to you case, because diamond earrings are big and impressive gifts.

16th birthdays are way over-hyped. You go to bed expecting to wake up and feel older, wiser, and more mature but you wake up and you're the same person you were the day before. It's mortifying and confusing.

saracidaltendencies
01-23-2008, 02:10 AM
:hug:

I'm so sorry to hear her reaction was so indifferent. I do believe though, one day, she'll look back and realize how much those diamonds are really worth, and not in a money way, but that they were a special gift from her mom on her 16th birthday. I'm sure she'll also look back and feel badly about her reaction.

I don't know that there's really much you can do. I have read that kids and teenagers think only of themselves not because they don't care or are just being stubborn, but, the part of the brain that allows them to think of others and how their actions may affect others, just isn't developed yet; that it doesn't develop until closer to adulthood.

I can only imagine how badly you felt and truly hope one day she can fully appreciate such a beautiful gift.

Dangles
01-23-2008, 03:38 AM
:hug: I'm sorry how thing unfolded.

DQ
01-23-2008, 06:10 AM
You shouldn't feel bad, it was a wonderful gift. :hug::hug::hug:

KnittingNat
01-23-2008, 06:53 AM
Nathalie, don't think you let her down! It's a wonderful gift, meaningful and traditional. The thing is that many teenagers can't appreciate diamonds and expensive jewelry (i think you can tell that by just looking at the things they all wear). Maybe she thinks she won't have any event to wear them to.
My grandmother got me a diamond set for my 21st birthday and that was a let down, because i had to pay the difference between what she expected and what i wanted (which really wasn't much and she embarrassed me in public). I hate that set and it turned out to be an awful piece of jewelry.
Anyway, i think that with age will come the wisdom to understand your wonderful intentions. Besides, maybe she was moody. I had an hysterical fit one of my birthdays, when my mom got me lillies, smelly awful lillies when she knew i get migranes from their smell. She just forgot about it. We all have our days :)

auburnchick
01-23-2008, 09:07 AM
dudes, seriously, I'm a teenager and I don't think of myself constantly. I just turned 16 a week ago and I wasn't expecting anything overly special. although a lot of teens are like you say, I don't think you should make a generalization and say all teens are this way.



I hope you understand that I wasn't making generalizations.

:hug:

I think that the pervasive attitude among young people, though, is immediate gratification. They are given much at an early age. It certainly is not true of all teens, but many are this way. I guess a lot depends on where you live, though.

Anyhow, sorry if I offended. Please forgive me.

:hug:

BTW, my daughter wore her earrings to school today. That speaks volumes.

auburnchick
01-23-2008, 09:11 AM
16th birthdays are way over-hyped. You go to bed expecting to wake up and feel older, wiser, and more mature but you wake up and you're the same person you were the day before. It's mortifying and confusing.



Very wise words. I think this, combined with the hormones, was what happened.

:hug:

Ronda
01-23-2008, 09:30 AM
:hug: Not sure what to say, except that I thought it was a very lovely gift.

The.Knitter
01-23-2008, 10:48 AM
Wow, she wanted a CAR??? AT 16??? I don't think so! She wore the earrings to school so that IS a good sign.

I think she must be related to my daughter is some way.

Let me tell you a story. When my daughter got separated from her husband (she was 25), she had no vehicle and two small children, one of whom was sick all the time. My parents had died and left me some money, with the proviso that I get a "decent" car and a good cell phone, because no single woman with children should drive junk and not have a way to contact assistance when needed while driving. I did what they requested. When my daughter needed the car, I lent it to her making sure she knew the value the car held for me. It was the last present my parents would ever buy me! She was told to treat it with respect and that if I found she was mistreating the car I would take it back. To make a long story short, the car was always dirty, no regular maintenance was done on it, when it needed tires she called and told me to buy tires (which I did, silly me) and then she had an accident with it (thankfully she was not killed and the children were not in the car at the time). $7,000.00 later I had the car fixed and let her have it back again (again, silly me). The doctor put her on medication for the pain she was having because of a whiplash. My DH (who at the time was a fiance) and I drove back and forth once a week, did her grocery shopping, laundry, cleaning, took her to physio and other appointments she needed to go to, and when it became apparent that she could not care for the baby properly because of the whiplash, I brought the child home to live with me for three months, making sure she saw her mother once a week. During this time apparently my DD drove the car while under the influence of the medication. She called one day and said "if I had another car accident, would you trade this car in on a van for me please?" Needless to say I said no! A short time later, she had another "accident" with my car. This accident was totally her fault. I repossessed the car immediately. I could not claim the damage on my car insurance because my premiums would then go way up. The damage to my car was significant but not bad enough that it was undrivable. She did not speak to me for a long time after that. I was the "bad mother" that left her without a car with two small children and no way to get them where they needed to go. She had my car for almost two years.

That was when she was 25. No I would not give a 16 year old a car! If your DD wants a car, she will treat it much better and be more careful with it is she has to pay for it herself.

Sometimes, when we think we are helping them and making life easier for them, we are only making it worse by giving them things they should earn for themselves!

Nobones
01-23-2008, 11:15 AM
O.K, I'm going to say what I need to and then duck and cover.

First of all, yes they are lovely earrings. I wouldn't wear them, I'm a silver girl, I don't even have an engagement ring, stones don't do it for me. But many of the lovely ladies would have been chuffed had it been their present.

But here's the thing. It wasn't their present.

Did you ask your daughter what she wanted for HER birthday? If you did and she said Diamonds then I'm shutting up.

Were those earring for her, or something you would have liked when you 16 and therefore DD was having them anyway.

It's so hard to be given a present, that you know full well cost a lot of money and the person went to a lot of trouble, when the item given to you is just not something you'd ever want due to taste. And if that is the case, the fact that her own Mum doesn't know she does and doesn't like can sting a bit.

I am sorry your daughter didn't react how you wanted her to on her birthday. But maybe you didn't act how she wanted either. I find this 'ungrateful teenager' thing is going a bit far.

And I'm not saying she should have bought a car either. I bought my first car, and I had such pride in it, kept it very clean and looked after it. (Can't you just tell I was 'Mini' owner!) My sister was bought a car, and I have to say it's a bit of state, she doesn't pay the bills for it, so she doesn't have the responsibility. Neither does she enjoy her car as much as I enjoyed mine.

vaknitter
01-23-2008, 12:22 PM
Please don't feel like you somehow let your daughter down. Sometimes our expectations fail us ... all things aside whether your daughter wanted earrings and a jewelry box or not, if I had reacted with anything other than utter glee to any gift I was given it would have been taken away from me. Of course, I never expected diamond earrings or a car. For me birthdays were all about Yankees jerseys, new bathing suits, amusement parks, and all the ice cream I could hold for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

starburst
01-23-2008, 01:48 PM
O.K, I'm going to say what I need to and then duck and cover.

First of all, yes they are lovely earrings. I wouldn't wear them, I'm a silver girl, I don't even have an engagement ring, stones don't do it for me. But many of the lovely ladies would have been chuffed had it been their present.

But here's the thing. It wasn't their present.

Did you ask your daughter what she wanted for HER birthday? If you did and she said Diamonds then I'm shutting up.

Were those earring for her, or something you would have liked when you 16 and therefore DD was having them anyway.

It's so hard to be given a present, that you know full well cost a lot of money and the person went to a lot of trouble, when the item given to you is just not something you'd ever want due to taste. And if that is the case, the fact that her own Mum doesn't know she does and doesn't like can sting a bit.


I don't think that's necessarily fair. If my mom had bought something expensive for me even if I hadn't wanted it, I would have at least tried to make her feel appreciated for it. Last year my mom bought me a lot of jewelery making supplies for Christmas and in fact, that was sort of the main part of my gift. Had I ever made jewelery? no. Did I particularly think that I would enjoy making jewelery? no. But I took what she gave me and I tried it out and I found that I really did enjoy it. At the time I was 18, so I really don't think that it's beyond the scope of a 16 year-old to enjoy, or at least be able to pretend to enjoy(though that's understandably less preferable).

16 is right about that age where it stops being easy to shop for someone because they don't necessarily run around the house screaming "I want a Barbie!" anymore.

Lucy78green
01-23-2008, 02:01 PM
I personally am terrible at receiving gifts. It's not that I don't appreciate them or dislike them, but I get embarrassed by the attention and I'm not sure how to react. I don't like huge displays of emotion anyway. I prefer opening things on my own then I can think of something nice to say to the person who gave it to me if it wasn't exactly what I expected.

Nobones
01-23-2008, 03:16 PM
If or at least be able to pretend to enjoy

So she's brought up not to lie, and now your saying it's o.k to. No wonder the poor girl is confused.

NC Girl
01-23-2008, 03:42 PM
There are a lot of different opinions on this thread, but just reading it kinda broke my heart. I guess I just wish I could have my mother back now so that she COULD buy me diamond earrings...or something, anything.

CBH

ladyjessica
01-23-2008, 03:52 PM
I was 16 not too long ago, and I would have loved to have received such a special gift for my birthday. Also, I think as she gets older, she'll appreciate the earrings more because they were a gift from her parents who went to a lot of trouble to find her something special. I have things that were given to me when I was younger that I may not have liked so much at the time, but now I treasure them.

That being said, I also must say that when I received these things, I thanked the giver for them and did my best to hide my disappointment. That's just the kind of person I am. Someone took the time and effort and money to buy me something special, and even though it wasn't exactly what I wanted, I would never throw it back in their face. I wouldn't want someone to do that to me, and I certainly wouldn't do it to someone else. I kind of agree with starburst. Just because it's not precisely what a person asked for doesn't mean that love and thought and care wasn't put into it, and I don't see it as lying to pretend to like something that I'm less than thrilled with. I don't know, maybe it's just the way I was raised.

dustinac
01-23-2008, 03:53 PM
:hug: NC Girl :hug:

I'm sorry she didn't have the reaction you wanted...sometimes teenagers can be hard to read (I know I was)...:hug:

I'm a lot like Lucy78Green...I feel very awarkward, stressed, and ready to bolt...when opening gifts in front of others...it's like that takes up so much of my energy that when I open it I'm often read the wrong way... with time I've gotten better...and dh knows how I am so he is a big help...cause even the smallest social gathering can make me a nervous wreck...

starburst
01-23-2008, 04:15 PM
So she's brought up not to lie, and now your saying it's o.k to. No wonder the poor girl is confused.

There is a difference between lying and telling a white lie to make someone feel appreciated. Haven't you ever gotten a gift from a distant relative or a grandparent that clearly isn't something you would have gotten for yourself? Something like a lumpy sweater that was too small or too big from a trip to the world's biggest ball of twine? wouldn't everyone just be happier if you smiled and said thank you?

I think that's especially true in this case, because whether she wanted them or not, those earrings are an extremely generous and heartfelt gift, not a sweatshirt that says "I :heart: twine."

Maybe I'm alone in this, but I don't write off all lying as a bad thing. Sometimes the truth causes unnecessary pain. I just really don't think it's helpful to put someone down for choosing the "wrong" gift and particularly in this case when there is a very good chance that there was never really a "right" gift.

AC--I'm sorry this happened to you. I know that when I've been in similar situations, I've felt tremendous guilt for how I acted, but I was always too anxious to apologize. I knew that I had done something wrong, but thinking about it made me feel worse. There is a chance that she feels pretty bad about it, but doesn't know how to communicate that to you. If not, sometimes it just takes a little time and distance from the situation for people to come around and understand the value of the things they have. It'll get better, I promise.:hug:

saracidaltendencies
01-23-2008, 04:49 PM
I agree totally with starburst. There's a huge difference between telling a lie to be deceitful and feigning appreciation.

When a person feigns appreciation, they do so because they are thinking not of themselves but the other person. They do so because they don't want to hurt anyone's feelings or make them feel badly or, embarrassed. When a person lies to be deceitful, they are doing it because they are thinking of only themselves and want to avoid some consequence that their words/actions would have brought on.

I have received many presents in my life that I have been less than ecstatic about, however, I would never tell that to the gift giver because I don't want to hurt their feelings. In most cases, no matter the gift, the giver has put thought into it and bought it because they thought the receiver would sincerely appreciate it.

For instance, a relative of mine, through marriage, travels occasionally. This person often gives mementos of their trips as gifts at Christmas. This year, one of my gifts was a keychain. While I wasn't exactly thrilled about getting a keychain for Christmas, I was still appreciative because the color of the keychain was picked because this person knew I really like that color. I knew this person had at least put enough thought into the gift to get a keychain in a color I like.

auburnchick
01-23-2008, 05:51 PM
O.K, I'm going to say what I need to and then duck and cover.

First of all, yes they are lovely earrings. I wouldn't wear them, I'm a silver girl, I don't even have an engagement ring, stones don't do it for me. But many of the lovely ladies would have been chuffed had it been their present.

But here's the thing. It wasn't their present.

Did you ask your daughter what she wanted for HER birthday? If you did and she said Diamonds then I'm shutting up.

Were those earring for her, or something you would have liked when you 16 and therefore DD was having them anyway.

It's so hard to be given a present, that you know full well cost a lot of money and the person went to a lot of trouble, when the item given to you is just not something you'd ever want due to taste. And if that is the case, the fact that her own Mum doesn't know she does and doesn't like can sting a bit.

I am sorry your daughter didn't react how you wanted her to on her birthday. But maybe you didn't act how she wanted either. I find this 'ungrateful teenager' thing is going a bit far.

And I'm not saying she should have bought a car either. I bought my first car, and I had such pride in it, kept it very clean and looked after it. (Can't you just tell I was 'Mini' owner!) My sister was bought a car, and I have to say it's a bit of state, she doesn't pay the bills for it, so she doesn't have the responsibility. Neither does she enjoy her car as much as I enjoyed mine.


Oh goodness...sure did not expect this...

Let the record show that this is not about the cost of the gift. This is about acknowledging the thoughts behind nice gestures. I make my kids write thank you notes for everything -- including gifts that they receive in front of people (at Christmas).

There are quite a few things you are assuming...which is a bit unfair to me.

First of all, I did not give her a gift that I had wanted as a 16yo. I was a very, very unassuming child. I never, ever asked for things as a teenager (as a result, my clothes were out of style, as was my hair). I did receive a pair of pearls from my grandmother, who had come all the way from France just for my 16th. But even to this day, I have not wanted a pair of diamond earrings (although they would be nice).

Now, that being said, my husband and I get our children gifts that that they specifically request. Not everything, mind you, but we always go by a list. After Christmas, when they say they want "such-and-such," we say, "put it on your list."

I just know I saw diamond earrings on her list...probably Christmas. That gave me the idea.

Now, I also need to make it clear that she did not state that she was hoping for a car. That was my guess as to why she might have been disappointed. She can't get her license until the end of June, so it would have really been pointless anyway.

Ok...your comment about ungrateful teens...

I stand by what I've said. I don't know how much you know about me, but my husband and I do a lot for that child. She plays on a soccer team located five hours away from us. We take her every other weekend to practice with the team. The weekends in between are spent traveling to games that range from five to nine hours away. We spend nearly every weekend in a hotel room because of the travel. We've traveled to Maryland, San Diego, Orlando, and in March Las Vegas. She had knee surgery last year with a doctor who traveled with the women's US national team.

That's just the tip of the ice burg. You know what hurts? That she EXPECTS this. She constantly belittles me and is probably one of the rudest children I know. I do not exaggerate.

But I love her. She has some wonderful qualities. She's a great student in an advanced program. She's amazingly organized and self-sufficient. But she is ungrateful. To take such gifts and basically throw them in my face...

Now, as far as my behavior on her birthday. That hurts to read.

I treated her like a princess yesterday -- from the moment I walked in the kitchen and saw her. I sang to her, did a little jig for her (picture me in a thick, fuzzy robe -- the one she gave me for Christmas). I did not ask her to do chores, and my son waited on her hand and foot yesterday afternoon. I cooked the meal she requested, and I baked her a cake. I left work early to pick up a dozen roses that I gave her when she got in the car when I picked her up from school.

And even after she reacted like she did, I didn't say anything until I had calmed down.

So, I'm really not sure how you might see that I acted poorly.

Look, I know that you meant well. It just came across a little rough...especially given the rawness of the feelings involved.

I learned a lot through the experience. She loves flowers, she doesn't mind the idea of surprise parties...

Birthday gifts will be a toss-up...

The.Knitter
01-23-2008, 06:05 PM
:hug: I am so sorry you are having a hard time with your DD right now. I've been there, done that (although not with diamonds), got the t-shirt and wore it out. If you need to chat, let me know Hon. I'm here for you...

auburnchick
01-23-2008, 06:08 PM
Thanks. It's really okay. I've been dealing with her for so long now that you start to get numb. Occasionally, something happens that breaks through the ice, and then you have to vent.

Children really have no idea how much their parents love them.

She thinks she doesn't "deserve" gifts. I told her that she cannot earn my love. It was there the moment I found out I was pregnant with her. I love her simply because God gave her to me. She will never be able to earn it because it's not something earn-able. Buying her nice gifts is something I do out of love for her.

But, when she's 30 and has six children running around, she will understand.

:hug:

lelvsdgs
01-23-2008, 06:34 PM
I showed this to my daughter who is 18 and she had this to say. She wondered if you daughter felt uncomfortable because of what the earrings cost. She said that when she gets big gifts like that, she feels a little funny about it knowing that we spent money that perhaps we didn't have on the gift. It's not that she didn't like the gift but that she felt weird about the money that was spent just on her. (She got a nice sewing machine this Christmas and we got a subdued reaction- turns out she was uncomfortable about how much she thought we spent).

All that being said, I'm sorry that feelings got hurt and I hope there will be healing for both of you. Remember, when she's 23 she'll be calling you to tell you how smart you are and how sorry she is she was such a pain.
Hang in there...

auburnchick
01-23-2008, 06:47 PM
Thanks for the thought. I don't think she was uncomfortable with the price. I did not tell her how much they cost. I'll have to assume she has no idea because I, myself, was clueless until I started pricing them.

She's quite used to us spending hundreds of dollars on soccer stuff. Her soccer shoes cost almost $200 per pair as it is.

I do think that there can be a lot of pressure when you're the center of attention. But, I've seen her react much nicer when other people gave her things she didn't quite know how to respond to.

We'll be fine. It's hard to try to figure out your kids. I'm just leaving it as it is, and we'll all get through it. Dh is extremely hurt and disappointed, though. It's going to take a long time for him to get over this.

HamaLee
01-23-2008, 07:24 PM
I'm sorry this turned out to be such a bummer :hug:. It was a beautiful idea for a gift and hopefully she knows that deep down and is just uncomfortable or unable to appropriately express it. Like you mentioned, the fact that she wore them to school does speak volumes.

Unfortunately, I think a lot of teens save the brunt of the grumpy, ungrateful, confusing, hormonal, stressed out, blah-dee-blah behaviors for their parents . I know when I was a teen any kid or adult I knew thought I was a hard working, smart, wonderfully polite and well raised kid (and I was!); but man I could be a jerk to my parents (especially my mom, we are SO alike!). It was like I bottled up any frustration or bad behavior in public b/c it was the right thing to do and eventually let it all loose on my family with (seemingly) no provocation.

Hopefully that's some of what's going on. While it still totally sucks for you, it may pass and in retrospect seem short lived (or not!). Hopefully she's just figuring out how to manage her burgeoning adult emotions, responsibilities, behaviors etc.

Fingers crossed that she comes around and at least makes some quiet gestures to show her appreciation or apology. They may be small, but I hope they'll be there for you! :heart:

christine
01-24-2008, 01:26 PM
I do feel for you. When I first read about the earrings I was so amazed that you thought of that. I would of been so sad when she reacted that way.

Sometimes I wonder what planet teenagers live on. My oldest has just moved there. I sure do not know him lately. One moment my lovely little boy . . . the other this big kid with the most sassy mouth and attitude. I remember some of this from the ancient times when I was that age, but I think it is so different today. I just watched the most recent Frontline about teenagers. It was great.

My hope and prayer for you is that she will come to realize and apprieciate all that you do for her. Not only great presents . . . but all of the soceer stuff. And flowers WOW! My husband doesn't ever think of that. You sound like a fantastic parent. hang in there and make sure you write it all down to share with her when your grandkids are making her crazy.

Abbily
01-24-2008, 02:13 PM
I do think that there can be a lot of pressure when you're the center of attention. But, I've seen her react much nicer when other people gave her things she didn't quite know how to respond to.


I had a thought when I read this part of your post- one thing I have learned from my little girls is that frequently their worst behavior is directed at me- and in some cases, that's because they feel safe with me, knowing that even if they let their guard down a bit I will still love them. Not that they are intentionally behaving badly toward me, but that they feel they don't have to hold on so tightly around me. I'm not sure I'm saying that right, I hope it makes sense... anyway I just thought it might help you to look at it that way- that she knows you will love her no matter what, so she doesn't feel compelled to 'act' for you. She doesn't feel the pressure to come up with a 'suitable' reaction when she doesn't know how to react, because she knows your love for her isn't dependent on her actions in a particular situation.

Hang in there, Nathalie. :) I'm only now beginning to realize what I must have put my mom through as a child, now that I'm a parent myself. As you said, when she's older and has kids of her own running around, she'll know and appreciate much more.

Mommy22alyns
01-24-2008, 04:26 PM
Nathalie, I'm sorry. That really sucks. Parenting teenagers seems so hard - I'm not looking forward to that age!

KnittingNat
01-24-2008, 05:44 PM
ok, i'll butt in again :)
I think saying that your DD reacted that way because you hadn't bought her what she wanted is a bit harsh. There are many gifts I have received and didn't like, but i didn't say anything to the people who gave it to me, i smiled and thanked them. There's nothing wrong with being polite, IMHO. Raising children is a really hard job and even i don't have any, i can realize that and i'm not sure my decisions as a mother will match my opinions today.
Nathalie, you tell us all the time that you try to give your DD everything - you drive her to the soccer games, you buy her expensive equipment etc. and she takes it all for granted. I've often seen that teenagers that receive so much and are constantly reminded of it, stop respecting their parents, because they know that no matter what "mommy and daddy still love you and will not have any peace this weekend, but will cheer your soccer game". I'm not trying to be mean, just trying to help.
Your DD is 16. Is it legal in the US to work some part time job at that age? If she has such an expensive hobby/passion like soccer, why won't she share some of the expenses? If she can't work - then she can volunteer at an animal shelter or something similar. What i'm trying to say is that by constantly reminding how much you do for her, you actually making it worse but showing how much you can take without getting any respect. Make her understand the value of money! So she can really appreciate what you and your DH are doing for her. She wants a new shirt - then she can babysit next door neighbor's baby and buy her one. If she's getting new $200 soccer shoes, she doesn't appreciate it, she feels like you own her.
I'm sorry if i sound harsh as well, but i worked since i was 15 and the only clothing my parents bought me was on birthdays or holidays - all the rest i paid for, because i knew my parents couldn't afford it. I also paid for my university degree and for everything in my life, except for bills (when i was living at home). That's why i'm really upset with today's kids (hey, i'm only 26:??) having TV, DVD, computer/laptop in their room and complaining! They stopped respecting their parents because their parents are giving them what ever they want.
Sorry, i got carried away.
:hug:

auburnchick
01-24-2008, 07:13 PM
I have been teaching my kids fiscal responsibility since they were tots, when I started giving them an allowance.

I went to a wonderful parenting seminar at my church when they were young. The focus of this seminar was to teach parents how to raise children who are responsible adults. Money management was a huge part of this seminar.

The speaker, who was (and still could be) the director of a home for children, advocated allowances as a way to teach children how to save for and purchase items on their own.

Anyhow, I won't go into it further, but that spurred me on. My daughter has been babysitting since she was 12. She uses the money she makes during the summer to pay for the extra back-to-school clothes that I consider non-essential. She also pays for the minutes she goes over on her cell phone (limits I've placed on her to teach her that going over costs you $$). She is responsible for paying for friends' gifts. If she doesn't have the money at the time, we allow her to earn it by doing chores outside of the regularly non-paid for ones (we do not tie in chores with the allowance). Things such as washing the windows or car are examples. I keep a running tab until her expenses are paid. As soon as she gets her drivers license this summer (she had to wait due to her knee surgery), I am going to open up a checking account in her name and teach her how to budget the amount I plan to deposit for her (probably monthly amount for gas and lunch). I also plan to teach her how to use a debit card and balance her checkbook.

She does feel bad about the expense of the soccer stuff. But, she plays a very high level of soccer, and we know that she needs it. She blows through three or four pairs of shoes each year. That just goes with the territory. She worries about money because she knows that there are a lot of extra things we cannot due to the amount we spend on her sport. But then again, she still expects (or maybe hopes) that money will "magically" appear and we can buy her some of the other stuff (extra clothes, pedicures, etc.). Kids easily forget...

Now, as far as the job thing...

She can't get a regular job yet because her soccer schedule is so hectic. She used to travel 2 1/2 hours (each way) to practice 3 days a week after school, so that prevented her from getting a job after school. She cannot work weekends because of tournaments and practice.

She is already starting to look into getting some kind of job for the summer. It will be tough to find something that works around her schedule, but at least she's trying. I've encouraged her to make a resume, despite how puny it will look. Everyone has to start somewhere, as I've explained to her.

As far as volunteering, that is also an option that she's looking into. If she can't find a regular job, she'll probably volunteer. High schoolers cannot graduate without a certain number of volunteer hours. She already has about a third of them. She'll probably help coach young children at one of her former coach's summer soccer camp. She is also hoping to volunteer with a vet or animal shelter. She wants to major in veterinary medicine in college, so this will be good for her.

She has a good head on her shoulders. She is just unappreciative. We remind her, at times, of what we do for her because she needs that. We don't throw it in her face, but she needs to remember that we can't do x, y, and z because we've already done a, b, and c. It's like going over your checkbook and realizing you've spent your allotted amount for that paycheck.

I'm not a perfect parent, but I do try to be practical.

The.Knitter
01-24-2008, 07:47 PM
:hug: Sometimes no matter how hard you try, kids are gonna make their own mistakes and someone is going to get hurt in the process. The problem is that it is, 9 times out of ten, the parents that do the hurting. Hang in there my friend! One day she MAY grow up (although I have to say I am still waiting for mine to and they are 31 and 28)!!!

KnittingNat
01-25-2008, 07:07 AM
I have been teaching my kids fiscal responsibility since they were tots, when I started giving them an allowance.

I went to a wonderful parenting seminar at my church when they were young. The focus of this seminar was to teach parents how to raise children who are responsible adults. Money management was a huge part of this seminar.

The speaker, who was (and still could be) the director of a home for children, advocated allowances as a way to teach children how to save for and purchase items on their own.

Anyhow, I won't go into it further, but that spurred me on. My daughter has been babysitting since she was 12. She uses the money she makes during the summer to pay for the extra back-to-school clothes that I consider non-essential. She also pays for the minutes she goes over on her cell phone (limits I've placed on her to teach her that going over costs you $$). She is responsible for paying for friends' gifts. If she doesn't have the money at the time, we allow her to earn it by doing chores outside of the regularly non-paid for ones (we do not tie in chores with the allowance). Things such as washing the windows or car are examples. I keep a running tab until her expenses are paid. As soon as she gets her drivers license this summer (she had to wait due to her knee surgery), I am going to open up a checking account in her name and teach her how to budget the amount I plan to deposit for her (probably monthly amount for gas and lunch). I also plan to teach her how to use a debit card and balance her checkbook.

She does feel bad about the expense of the soccer stuff. But, she plays a very high level of soccer, and we know that she needs it. She blows through three or four pairs of shoes each year. That just goes with the territory. She worries about money because she knows that there are a lot of extra things we cannot due to the amount we spend on her sport. But then again, she still expects (or maybe hopes) that money will "magically" appear and we can buy her some of the other stuff (extra clothes, pedicures, etc.). Kids easily forget...

Now, as far as the job thing...

She can't get a regular job yet because her soccer schedule is so hectic. She used to travel 2 1/2 hours (each way) to practice 3 days a week after school, so that prevented her from getting a job after school. She cannot work weekends because of tournaments and practice.

She is already starting to look into getting some kind of job for the summer. It will be tough to find something that works around her schedule, but at least she's trying. I've encouraged her to make a resume, despite how puny it will look. Everyone has to start somewhere, as I've explained to her.

As far as volunteering, that is also an option that she's looking into. If she can't find a regular job, she'll probably volunteer. High schoolers cannot graduate without a certain number of volunteer hours. She already has about a third of them. She'll probably help coach young children at one of her former coach's summer soccer camp. She is also hoping to volunteer with a vet or animal shelter. She wants to major in veterinary medicine in college, so this will be good for her.

She has a good head on her shoulders. She is just unappreciative. We remind her, at times, of what we do for her because she needs that. We don't throw it in her face, but she needs to remember that we can't do x, y, and z because we've already done a, b, and c. It's like going over your checkbook and realizing you've spent your allotted amount for that paycheck.

I'm not a perfect parent, but I do try to be practical.

Nathalie, i can only say what The.Knitter said - sometimes you do everything right and kids just don't appreciate it. You've cleared a lot of issues here, so i can see now that she's not getting all these expensive things without being aware of the meaning of money. I guess i just never was a normal teenager. My parents really didn't have a lot and i felt bad taking money from them. Today's kids are something completely different. I can clearly see you're being the best parent you can and i hope that someday your DD will grow up and appreciate these things you did for her and hopefully starts treating you better.
Big :hug: and hang on there :muah:

GinnyG
01-25-2008, 08:25 AM
It may take her time before she realizes how significant the gift is. My daughter is in her early 20's and we went throught some very difficult times in her teens.

A few years ago I gave her a 14K Gold Mother/Daughter ring, it was expensive (for me) and I was majorly excited about it. The ring had indian symbols engraved around the band with a card explaining the symbols. Each symbol was for something a Mother wished for her daughter.

Her response was lukewarm and I was crushed, I had been so excited about the ring and what it represented. But she didn't "get it".

Just last month I received an email from her (she is 2000 miles away) telling me that when ever she is lonely, homesick or troubled she wears her "mommy ring" and it makes her feel better.

I cried!

So give her time, SOMEDAY it will click.

KnitWit1987
01-25-2008, 10:09 AM
Sorry for the late post but I just wanted to let you know that I to have expierenced this...

I'm only 20 and I dont have kids yet but I do have a 14 year old cousin. I am very close with my aunt and spend a lot of time with both of them. Before christmas I was over as their house and my cousin had her christmas list out. She wanted several movies a PSP and several other gifts. My aunt and uncle don't have very much money right now so I took a copy of the list home. I already knew they would get her the PSP. My fiance and I spent about $500.00 on all of the other stuff for her. I was so excited to give it to her on christmas because I really thought she would be so thankful and love all of it afterall we only got the specific things that she wanted. I wanted to suprise her so first I only brought in 3 gifts then I made an excuse I needed to get something out of the car and brought in the other ones. Before I went out to the car she had such an attitude I really just wanted to leave the other ones out there. Even when I brought the rest in and she opened them she wasnt all that happy, although she did say thank you. I have tried to make excuses like maybe it was just too much in one day with the PSP from her parents as well. But the very next day she starts telling her mom all of this other stuff she wants (including a jeep when shes 16). It really hurts my feelings. I just think kids are so ungrateful. All we can hope is that they will appreciate it one day. Maybe when they work and know the value of a dollar!!

msoebel
01-25-2008, 11:00 AM
My dh is a youth pastor, and we spend at least 20-30 hours a week with teenagers.

I am getting a lot of practice - our own dd is only 4.

One thing I know about teens - they are completely unaware that others have feelings. Really, they are at the same developmental level as preschoolers...very self-centric and not very empathetic. If they get a zit, they freak out because they are sure that everyone else is looking at it. Never realizing that, hey, all of their friends are dealing with their own issues and probably won't even notice.

They have amazing moments...teens are awesome and that is why we work with them...but they really just don't "click" that other people might have emotions too. Especially not adults...and most especially not their parents. It doesn't really occur to them that every emotion that they feel, their parents may be feeling as well.

The point here is not whether she received what she wanted for her birthday, but that you spent a lot of time and put a lot of love into her gift, and she dismissed it.

Be patient. I was a royal brat to my parents, and really put them through a lot. I wasn't a bad kid...I wasn't drinking or doing drugs or sleeping around...but I was ungrateful and mean and sullen many times and I know that I hurt my mom's feelings (I am so embarassed about some of the things I said!). And now, my mom is my best friend.

It gets better. Give it a few years.

cftwo
01-25-2008, 12:35 PM
Nathalie - I'm glad she wore the earrings. That says volumes.

I don't have kids, but I think my mom is secretly thrilled that all of her daughters went to college at age 16 so she didn't have to deal with those later teenage years. Your daughter will undoubtedly turn out just fine, though your hair may gray a little bit quicker between now and then.

ladyjessica
01-25-2008, 11:58 PM
Me again. Working with college students has shown me that soooo many teenagers are completely self-absorbed and are only concerned with themselves, their phones, their cars, their whatever. I come across so many who don't understand that they are responsible for themselves and their lives and who want everything handed to them at all times without having to go through any trouble to get it. But, I've also encountered some really great, incredible kids. They work, go to school, save money, take care of themselves, are kind and considerate and smart and talented, pay their bills, and understand the value of hard work. So I guess it goes both ways.

I'm so sorry your dd acted as she did. It really was a lovely gift, and I think that as she gets older she'll appreciate everything that you do for her and begin to understand that you and your husband have done everything you could to spark her interests and help her along and make her life thus far as special as it could be. Like any mother, you just want to do right by your kids, and coming from someone whose parents were never really all that interested in the things that excited me, it will mean a lot to your dd someday that you spent so much time and money to make her dreams come true.

:hug:

mum2caden
01-26-2008, 10:03 PM
I was horrible to my mom when I was a teen. I sometimes didn't even know what I wanted for my birthday... how in the world would anyone please me when I got in moods like that?

The thing is, I hit 19 or 20 and everything changed. My mom wasn't my enemy, she is my friend, but my teenage years were hell on both of us and I know I hurt her in a similar way, many times.

I can tell you, I never really meant to, I just didn't get it all like I do now.

Try not to be too hurt, and just remember that it really is teenagers for you. Even if some here felt kind of offended by that, the truth is, we have been there too, so we all say it KNOWING it is true, because we did it. You can't see it until later anyway...

She will be glad for them one day. Maybe she is now, I know I used to try to purposely not like something too much...just because. I still don't really know why... I feel like a horrible old cow remembering it actually.

(((((hugs))))

Jan in CA
01-26-2008, 11:05 PM
As a mom of girls (now aged 28 and 31) I can tell you that I went through a bit of this kind of thing, too. Even now I don't always get the reaction I expect or hope for. My girls are lovely now, but they each have their own personalities and feelings. They grow up, but we as parents still remain the "parents" even when our kids don't need so much parenting. I will say something like "be careful driving out 'there' (wherever that might be) and my youngest will get bent out of shape. She hasn't said so, but I suspect she feels that if I'm saying that that I don't think she can handle it or that I don't trust her. That is, of course, not the case at all... I HAVE to say it or I just wouldn't feel right. I've tried to explain and for the most part she's okay now, but there are times.. :zombie:

Hang in there, it will get better. :hug:

cheesiesmom
01-26-2008, 11:51 PM
While we never had any horrendous problems with either of our kids and basically they have grown into decent hardworking adults, our DD was always a bit of a diva and could be difficult. Of course at Christmas, I always went overboard on them. (We have practically no family; their only gifts came from my DH and I.) My son would generally be pleased and might take back a gift or two if it was the wrong color or size. But once oour DD hit 14, 15, 16, I never bought the right things. So one year I simply told her to make a list of everything she wanted, exactly. Color, size, store, etc. I would pick out those things within my budget and that would be Christmas. She was thrilled. She shopped on line and picked out exactly everything she wanted and gave me printouts to make sure I got everything right. So I bought and wrapped and on Christmas she opened everything up, tried everything on and asked if it was OK if she took everything back!!! She didn't keep one item that she had wanted.

I don't know if there is a moral to this story, but I always think of it as funny. I think she learned a lesson from it. She's 23 and lives 2500 miles away. She appreciates what we do for her (yes, we're still doing), and always lets us know how much she has appreciated everything we've done. (My husband didn't think she'd ever speak to him again once she became a teen.) We just chalked a lot of the dumb, inconsiderate behavior up to adolescent angst and tried not to remind either of them how good we were to them. Sometimes our feelings ended up being pretty battered, but ya' know, we didn't have to tell them what great parents we were. They finally figured it out themselves.

Someday the light will come on, and I'd be willing to bet those earrings will grow to be her most cherished possession.

In the meantime, take a deep breath and as Scarlett always said, "Tomorrow is another day."

texas1107`
01-27-2008, 02:13 PM
Well, my daughter opened her gifts a little while ago.

I brought out the big one (jewelry box) first. She opened it and complained that it was too big and she didn't have enough stuff to put in it.

Then I brought out her other gift (the earrings). She opened them and said, "Oh, thanks."

That's it. No smile, except the forced one for the picture. Not anything else.

I started cleaning up the kitchen, a bit surprised and most definitely hurt.

I finally went in her room and asked her if she liked them. "They're fine," she said.

I don't get it. We talked about it. She doesn't understand why I think she needs to jump around. I said that a simple thank you would have been nice. I know she doesn't show her emotions that well, but if it had been a car in that driveway, the whole city would have heard her scream.

Then she told me that she's "learned not to expect much" as far as gifts go.

Um...okay.

I told her it was about the thought behind the gift, and we're sorry we can't afford a car.

Such a let-down.

:cry:

Don't be sorry about being able to afford a car!! She should be grateful that she has a roof over her head and food on her plate!!
Don't buy her anything for a while, not at Valentines, Easter, whatever, and see if she understands better, "not to expect much"

auburnchick
01-27-2008, 04:07 PM
Thanks, y'all! You continue to lift my spirits! :muah:

Here's a picture of the roses I bought her:

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2217/2223287273_d6a69f3fcd.jpg

KnittingNat
01-27-2008, 06:31 PM
Thanks, y'all! You continue to lift my spirits! :muah:

Here's a picture of the roses I bought her:

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2217/2223287273_d6a69f3fcd.jpg



Oh, :passedout:! Drop dead gorgeous, if i might add to the fainting smiley to the left :teehee:

maniago
01-27-2008, 07:02 PM
The Roses are simply the most gorgeous colour. They would be beautiful dried.

scout52
01-27-2008, 07:18 PM
WOW those flowers are to die for!! you got great taste in flowers!!!

texas1107`
01-27-2008, 09:07 PM
Absolutely BEAUTIFUL color of roses!!

birdwomn
01-27-2008, 10:36 PM
I can feel for you. Somehow, our daughters have the power to hurt us in a way no one else is able reach us.
I will never forget when my now 21 year old daughter got really upset when she turned 13 because I didn't get enough frosting on her cookie cake. (which was custom decorated for her favorite band of the day)

I think kids simply have watched too many episodes of "my super sweet 16" or something and expect EVERYTHING. That said, after many years of my daughter not appreciating gifts people selected for her, around the age of 15 or 16, she finally figured out that the person giving the gift had taken the time and trouble to select the item especially for her.
So, she now takes the gift in that spirit and if she isn't thrilled with it at first, she makes a point of wearing/using it frequently and quite often these items become some of her most treasured items. They bring out parts of her personality that others see in her that she didn't see in herself. I don't know where she came up with the idea, but for the most part, I am trying to learn from her and do the same thing. ;)

Good luck with your dd, I am sure she will come around. She is probably moody about something that has nothing to do with you or her birthday. (That is what usually happens here) Perhaps she has now learned the same lesson my daughter did?

P.S. I got diamond earrings (chips) custom designed for my 16th and was devestated when i lost one of them a few months later.

Hang in there, they do grow up!

princess
01-28-2008, 03:53 AM
ok auburnchick, im gonna speak from my heart.
I am 19, and still "in that phase." I struggled greatly in middle/high school and still do today. I have a hard time communicating with people, especially my parents(mostly because i dont understand myself, or whats in my head)
I expect a lot, and when i dont get it, troubles on its way, you better believe that when i was 16 i got my first car, and when i slid into an embankment and ruined the suspension, i had a car to replace that one. I get my rent paid for while im in college, and yup, i get my own place next year (mostly so i can have my dog, my parents dont want to care for him for me anymore, even though they do love him) i was always selfish and had to have what i wanted when i wanted it. In a lot of ways i still do, i admit it.
Many of my problems are because i cant figure out how to say whats on my mind, im almost scared to say things. When my parents call and we say bye, they say i love you, but i never do. I do love them, and i want to tell them, i just cant and i dont know why, they do know that i love them. Or when i have a problem, i cant bring myself to call and ask for help, even though i know they would in a heartbeat. I am "that teen" that every adult is talking about. I am the brat everyone wishes isnt their child. I have received gifts and not seemed grateful for them, just like your daughter, how about last christmas when i threw the absolute biggest fit for not getting a PS2, even though i got most everything else on my list, and then the day after to find out that my mom got my dad one for his birthday, as a "family" gift. Yeah, needless to say i felt like **** for that one.
I will get to the point though, yes i make my mom cry, yes i can seem like i dont care about anyone but myself, but theres more under the surface. I am confused by myself, and even the way i act confuses me. A week doesnt go by that i dont look in a mirror and wonder why i did or said something. I dont like being selfish, and i dont like hurting other people especially my parents, i just havent learned how to be selfLESS yet, i havent figured out how to let go and be ok with what i get, even if its not what i want. Please, just give us a chance, be the wonderful parents and adults that we know you are, and let us grow up at our own pace. I know its tough, but know that in the end it will be ok.
I'm learning, im changing, im figuring myself and the world out, just slower than most. Just last week i called my mom and told her that i changed my mind and my car that had been hit in a parking lot didnt HAVE to be fixed, i would live with a few dents and scratches. Boy was she shocked to hear that. I managed to tell my dad that i loved him a few weeks ago after a phone conversation, it felt weird and akward, but i did it.
It may never feel like that day will come, but it will. I am putting together the pieces slowely but surely, and in the end, i will love my parents that much more for holding on for as long as i needed, for giving me the chance to do things my way.
I'm just trying to give you the teenager point of view, and i know it may not be right or fair, but it is what it is. We do the best that we know how.
It somehow feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders in writing this, that somehow it has helped me even.
Auburnchick, your daughter loves and appreciates you even though she may not know how to show it yet, she will figure it out, just like i will :)

texas1107
01-28-2008, 12:27 PM
ok auburnchick, im gonna speak from my heart.
I am 19, and still "in that phase." I struggled greatly in middle/high school and still do today. I have a hard time communicating with people, especially my parents(mostly because i dont understand myself, or whats in my head)
I expect a lot, and when i dont get it, troubles on its way, you better believe that when i was 16 i got my first car, and when i slid into an embankment and ruined the suspension, i had a car to replace that one. I get my rent paid for while im in college, and yup, i get my own place next year (mostly so i can have my dog, my parents dont want to care for him for me anymore, even though they do love him) i was always selfish and had to have what i wanted when i wanted it. In a lot of ways i still do, i admit it.
Many of my problems are because i cant figure out how to say whats on my mind, im almost scared to say things. When my parents call and we say bye, they say i love you, but i never do. I do love them, and i want to tell them, i just cant and i dont know why, they do know that i love them. Or when i have a problem, i cant bring myself to call and ask for help, even though i know they would in a heartbeat. I am "that teen" that every adult is talking about. I am the brat everyone wishes isnt their child. I have received gifts and not seemed grateful for them, just like your daughter, how about last christmas when i threw the absolute biggest fit for not getting a PS2, even though i got most everything else on my list, and then the day after to find out that my mom got my dad one for his birthday, as a "family" gift. Yeah, needless to say i felt like **** for that one.
I will get to the point though, yes i make my mom cry, yes i can seem like i dont care about anyone but myself, but theres more under the surface. I am confused by myself, and even the way i act confuses me. A week doesnt go by that i dont look in a mirror and wonder why i did or said something. I dont like being selfish, and i dont like hurting other people especially my parents, i just havent learned how to be selfLESS yet, i havent figured out how to let go and be ok with what i get, even if its not what i want. Please, just give us a chance, be the wonderful parents and adults that we know you are, and let us grow up at our own pace. I know its tough, but know that in the end it will be ok.
I'm learning, im changing, im figuring myself and the world out, just slower than most. Just last week i called my mom and told her that i changed my mind and my car that had been hit in a parking lot didnt HAVE to be fixed, i would live with a few dents and scratches. Boy was she shocked to hear that. I managed to tell my dad that i loved him a few weeks ago after a phone conversation, it felt weird and akward, but i did it.
It may never feel like that day will come, but it will. I am putting together the pieces slowely but surely, and in the end, i will love my parents that much more for holding on for as long as i needed, for giving me the chance to do things my way.
I'm just trying to give you the teenager point of view, and i know it may not be right or fair, but it is what it is. We do the best that we know how.
It somehow feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders in writing this, that somehow it has helped me even.
Auburnchick, your daughter loves and appreciates you even though she may not know how to show it yet, she will figure it out, just like i will :)

Hey, your almost there!! If you would, I would really like if you print this page out, even the whole thread and send it to your parents. Let them read this. It will make the feel so much more for you than you can even believe!! You may not know what you are thinking, but, you really need to go back and read what you wrote here. You are did a wonderful job communicating to us all and opening up to us. Your parents love you more than any person will EVER love you, no matter what you do or say. You just have to get to the point of stopping and taking a breathe once in a while instead of saying or doing the first thing that comes to you. Believe me, us grown ups do the same thing, not just teens. Your a good kid and you've shown that here by explaining your feelings and admitting that you have your quirks and not just lashing out in protection of someone around your age. Good for you!!:hug:

scout52
01-28-2008, 03:31 PM
Hey, your almost there!! If you would, I would really like if you print this page out, even the whole thread and send it to your parents. Let them read this. It will make the feel so much more for you than you can even believe!! You may not know what you are thinking, but, you really need to go back and read what you wrote here. You are did a wonderful job communicating to us all and opening up to us. Your parents love you more than any person will EVER love you, no matter what you do or say. You just have to get to the point of stopping and taking a breathe once in a while instead of saying or doing the first thing that comes to you. Believe me, us grown ups do the same thing, not just teens. Your a good kid and you've shown that here by explaining your feelings and admitting that you have your quirks and not just lashing out in protection of someone around your age. Good for you!!:hug:

Princess
I agree with Texaschick. I think you should print this out and show this to your parents. I thin it will bring you so much closer to them and it will help them understand so much more what is going on inside you. :hug: :hug: Thanks so much for opening up. This time in your life is so hard and confusing. You are still finding out who you are. I wish you luck. please update us!! :hug: :hug:

Abbily
01-29-2008, 04:53 PM
Princess, that was beautifully written! That must have taken some courage and some real self-examination. I, too, think that your parents would really enjoy reading it, but even if you don't feel comfortable with that, I think it's wonderful that you wrote it out.

princess
01-29-2008, 08:52 PM
thanks for the responses everyone, im not sure yet if i will write it out and give it to my parents, thats a HUGE leap, but i will think about it. My point was to let you into the head of an average teenager in case you forgot what it was like :P I'm hoping to remind all the parents out there that we see the world through a funky window, and we do love our parents, and we dont like hurting them, we just have to figure ourselves out and grow up.

auburnchick
01-29-2008, 09:21 PM
thanks for the responses everyone, im not sure yet if i will write it out and give it to my parents, thats a HUGE leap, but i will think about it. My point was to let you into the head of an average teenager in case you forgot what it was like :P I'm hoping to remind all the parents out there that we see the world through a funky window, and we do love our parents, and we dont like hurting them, we just have to figure ourselves out and grow up.


I hope you will consider buying your mom a beautiful Mother's Day card and writing down some of what you shared with us. She will be touched, and she will never forget it. Trust me...it will make up for all of those years of heartache...on both sides. And your dad will be touched because your mom will be so happy.

:hug:

knittingymnast
01-31-2008, 09:03 PM
i got emeralds for my 11th..not to brag or anything....:aww: