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princess
02-10-2008, 02:35 PM
So im really frusterated and hurt by what happened last night. First some details, my boyfriend is chinese, and grew up here in michigan. His mom is doesnt love the fact that he is dating a white girl, but she is adjusting to the idea. His dad however, hates me, he thinks that white girls are doomed for divorce, are promiscuous, and are cheaters. Well last night i went over to his house for dinner, and after we went upstairs his dad was sitting at the computer, and i said "did you make dinner?" (i was going to tell him it was very good and thank him.) well, he shakes his head no, said something to my boyfriend in their language, and then turned back to the computer. My bf asked something i think, and his dad igored it so we left the room. I am so hurt by this reaction, i have never been ignore or not acknowleged simply because of my skin color. I never imagined how bad it would sting, i have had people not like me or be rude to me etc. but it was always because of something i did, or i deserved it. But for someone to not even let me compliment them because of what i look like? I cried the whole way home that night (45 minute drive) and i feel horrible, and i feel bad talking about it with my bf, cause then it puts him in the middle of everything which he gets enough from his parents, so i dont want to burden him more. I just needed to talk, and thanks everyone, the forum is great for this. Hopefully i will feel better about things, and maybe brush it off my shoulders.

oh yeah, and my bf and i have been together for almost a year and a half, so this isnt new news to his parents.


Amanda

Quiltlady
02-10-2008, 02:40 PM
Amanda, I'm sorry you had that happen to you. I can't offer any advice but I'd not be in a hurry to go back there. I'd keep enjoying my boyfriends company away from his parents if thats possible.

texas1107`
02-10-2008, 02:42 PM
I'm sorry you have gone through this. How horrible of his dad!!
I know that there are still cultures that still think everyone should be with their own, race, religion etc...
The fact is, if they are happy, let them be!!
You didn't say how long you have been together, but, if you two are in a serious relationship, he needs to get some kahonies and tell his dad that, he needs to respect in him by being respectful to you. If his dad loves him, he will do this or risk losing a good relationship with him and you!! It will be hard for your BF, but, it will be better in the long run.

Knitting_Guy
02-10-2008, 02:50 PM
Bigotry can be found anywhere. I wouldn't suggest that you try to create any rift between he and his parents as that's a no win situation.

If you really want to be together the two of you need to discuss the situation openly and honestly without any ultimatums. You may just have to accept the fact that the parents aren't going to accept you, at least not until enough time has passed to show them their ideas are not correct.

They come from a culture that is deeply rooted in family and traditions which go back for thousands of years. That can be a hard thing to overcome. In time they may come to accept you but you have to be prepared for the possibility that they may never do so and weigh that against how important your relationship with him is to you.

The best way to deal with it, IMHO, is to continue to be yourself, be polite and pleasant in their home, and remind yourself that it really isn't you personally they have a problem with.

knittingymnast
02-10-2008, 03:15 PM
im sorry you had to go through this......i really am.

fibrenut
02-10-2008, 03:18 PM
K, I feel bad for you and your bf. Those kinds of attitudes towards a particular race is well, racism, (white people do not have a monopoly of bigotry). That is wrong, wrong, wrong for any group to exclude another group, but, let's examine this just a wee bit and see maybe where this stupidity is coming from.

The media, particularly TV shows, bombard us with these images of white promiscuous women ALL THE TIME!!! OMG!!, Sex in the City, Gilmore Girls, Desperate Housewives, oodles of "reality" (yeah right!!) shows. All of them showing white women (us) as stupid, vapid, money hungry, trashy, slutty, shallow, bitches. With the world being bombarded by this trash, how is it not that they think of us that way. Magazines are no different, Vogue, Cosmo, etc. They all add into the stereotype. Reinforcing the notion that white AMERICAN women are all like that. And the really sad thing is, is that a majority of young american women are buying into this scheit (not really a nice way of putting it is there?)!! That is really really sad!!!

That just makes me mad that we are portrayed that way.:twisted: And unfortunately, you have felt the brunt of that. It's not right in any sense of the word, but then again, it's what has been portrayed and unfortunately people do believe what they see.

texas1107`
02-10-2008, 03:19 PM
Bigotry can be found anywhere. I wouldn't suggest that you try to create any rift between he and his parents as that's a no win situation.

If you really want to be together the two of you need to discuss the situation openly and honestly without any ultimatums. You may just have to accept the fact that the parents aren't going to accept you, at least not until enough time has passed to show them their ideas are not correct.

They come from a culture that is deeply rooted in family and traditions which go back for thousands of years. That can be a hard thing to overcome. In time they may come to accept you but you have to be prepared for the possibility that they may never do so and weigh that against how important your relationship with him is to you.

The best way to deal with it, IMHO, is to continue to be yourself, be polite and pleasant in their home, and remind yourself that it really isn't you personally they have a problem with.


I take back my reply, your right of course. I tend to jump before thinking about it:whistle:
There really isn't anything to do about it except to deal for now. Be polite and let it roll off your back. A lot of time, it bothers someone more about the way they are doing ,by having the recipient continue to be kind and not let it bother them. He will come around I'm sure.

VictoiseC
02-10-2008, 03:26 PM
Well, people will be people... it's really hard to let it roll off your back though, I know that for sure. Especially when you're young. My mother in law wow, when I was young she used to ignore everything I said at the dinner table. It was a m a z i n g. She wanted my husband to have a better/richer/more educated girl. That went on for years and years, her not wanting to hear me talk. We stayed together though, and she finally came around a bit. It's just difficult. Maybe a little humor will help you when you're around him.
Humor is the best thing we have for just about everything!
Good luck.

rachejm
02-10-2008, 03:34 PM
I'm so sorry this is happening to you.
I don't know what to say for the best. The last thing you want to do is cause a problem between him and his parents but at the same time you have been together for a long time and this is how they are treating you.
If it was me I would probably suggest to my boyfriend that he have a chat with his parents and just point out that we've been together for over a year and we are happy together and that this behaviour from them isn't going to change the fact that we are together. Alternatively you may decide to just try to ignore it for the time being, just be polite and civil and perhaps they will realise after a while that their prejudice is unfounded. When a friend of mine had a similar problem she decided that it was easier to just accept that this was the situation and spend more time with her boyfriend at her house rather than antagonise his nan.
I do think its important to tell your boyfriend how you feel because communication is really important in a relationship. At the end of the day whether he decides to intervene with his parents behaviour towards you is up to him. Just make sure that when you do talk to him you are calm because it is a sensitive issue for both of you and the best way to discuss it would be in a calm manner, if you are calm then he will be more likely to be calm. Talk it through together and decide together what you want to do about it, if anything.

I really hope you work everything out xxx

princess
02-10-2008, 03:34 PM
whats even more unfortunate is even though his dad has lived in this country for twenty years, he still acts like he doesnt understand english. I just dont know how i can put up with being treated that way, i feel so stuck. I love my boyfriend dearly and we have even talked about getting engaged in the next couple of years( i know, its early to talk about that sort of thing, but with the family situation, we have to talk about every aspect and keep communication thorough so we both know what the other expects/thinks is going on) I just dont know, i go through phases, at times i want my bf to just stand up to his parents(its not just me that they are strict about, he is twenty and has to be home by curfew, and they wont let him move out of the house, basically they control him using money) but at other times i want to do things the right way and prove them wrong and let time work its wonders, its just so confusing. I love him so much and i dont want to let somebody else ruin our hapiness, we are so right for eachother, and we want to be together. i think im probably just going to have to deal with it, and not go to his house as suggested

The.Knitter
02-10-2008, 04:10 PM
I agree with Mason totally.....

iza
02-10-2008, 04:53 PM
I understand what you are going through. I have many friends in the same situation and it's always very difficult. :hug:

From my friends' experiences, parents sometimes act like this when they feel they are losing power over their adult children, but once the child makes it clear that he/she will not let the parents decide for him/her, they get used to it. This is true for immigrant parents, and non-immigrant parents. Honestly, I think it has nothing to do with you or white people. They need a reason and found this one, but it doesn't mean it's accurate. It's possible they wouldn't like you even if you were Chinese. :shrug:

Did you think about learning your boyfriend's language? It's probably not easy to do, but if it's possible, it would maybe show them you are interested in their culture. It would also force them to be careful to what they say, since you might understand! :teehee:

princess
02-10-2008, 04:57 PM
i would love to learn their language, however they speak cantonese, not mandarin so i have no resources anywhere near me to learn it, i would have to be in a big city to find that language. I did find a good book and a podcast program that teach it, but its hard to learn a foriegn language on your own, lol.

scout52
02-10-2008, 05:44 PM
I'm sorry that you are going through this.

I am from an immigrant family. My grandparents have been here for over 30 years and because she mostly worked with spanish speaking people her english is not great. she can understand but speaking it is a whole different story. and once she stopped working she forgot all of english.

all lot of Immigrant families are similar, in that the adult children are under the roof of the parents and do whatever the parents want. (its to protect the kids from what they see as very immoral american values ) the split between the american culture and the old culture can be very difficult to deal with at times. just try to be understanding. I've been through it myself. I just moved out so i wouldn't have to deal with it, but that might not be an option for him.

the rosetta stone is a computer program that offers I believe offers cantonese chinese. its a little expensive but if you really want to learn chinese it may be worth it.

princess
02-10-2008, 11:31 PM
I'm sorry that you are going through this.

all lot of Immigrant families are similar, in that the adult children are under the roof of the parents and do whatever the parents want. (its to protect the kids from what they see as very immoral american values ) the split between the american culture and the old culture can be very difficult to deal with at times. just try to be understanding. I've been through it myself. I just moved out so i wouldn't have to deal with it, but that might not be an option for him.

the rosetta stone is a computer program that offers I believe offers cantonese chinese. its a little expensive but if you really want to learn chinese it may be worth it.

The issues go a lot deeper than just my skin color, as you said parents try to protect their child as immigrants, but rather than protect, they are slowely driving him away. The issues have been going on the whole time we have been dating, and i have been able to help him cope and work through some of the situations, its just the way i was treated last night. I knew they didnt like me and all, but i never knew his dad would treat me like that to my face! :pout:

i think maybe this summer my boyfriend and i can have more time, and possibly work together to get me learning at least some cantonese, but right now its pretty busy for the both of us with school and work.

Thanks for the support everyone, its just crazy the way people in this world will treat others, my parents always taught me to at least respect people, even if i dont like them. i will just have to be the bigger person in this situation and hope time will change things

Sandi
02-11-2008, 12:36 AM
:knitting: I'm sorry that it happened, but seeing as you two have been together for 1 1/2 years, i'm sure it's not the first time. Nor will it be the last. We are all from Immigrant families, somewhere along the line.....
I do think though that it is time your BF had a little talk with his parents. Respect is one of the most imprortant things in the Asian culture. And the respect has to work both ways.
As much as I embrace immigration it drives me crazy that people who have left there countries still for the most part live their lives as if they had never moved. And it is our fault for letting them get away with it.
I go to a nail salon where all of the girls are of Asian descent. (Not sure which country) It is a warm and friendly place. But they speak there native language to each other. It drives me crazy and I think it's rude. I have pointed out to them that it is rather disrespctfull to do so. We all do not speak their language.
Those of us who's first language is English, I would like to think would never migrate to another country and assume that everyone would learn my language to accominidate me.
Unfortunatly I don't really see anything changing within your BF family. You will either have to smile and nod, or just don't go there.

I do think it is your boyfriends duty to speak to them and deal with it though......

NegativeClock
02-11-2008, 01:19 AM
Bigotry can be found anywhere. I wouldn't suggest that you try to create any rift between he and his parents as that's a no win situation.

If you really want to be together the two of you need to discuss the situation openly and honestly without any ultimatums. You may just have to accept the fact that the parents aren't going to accept you, at least not until enough time has passed to show them their ideas are not correct.

They come from a culture that is deeply rooted in family and traditions which go back for thousands of years. That can be a hard thing to overcome. In time they may come to accept you but you have to be prepared for the possibility that they may never do so and weigh that against how important your relationship with him is to you.

The best way to deal with it, IMHO, is to continue to be yourself, be polite and pleasant in their home, and remind yourself that it really isn't you personally they have a problem with.

Yeah, this pretty much hits the nail on the head. You can't expect them to assimilate into this color-blind society so quickly, their traditions and thoughts of whites go back a long time. I personally would ignore them and not put myself into a situation where I would have to deal with them, or learn their language and surprise the dad next visit!

Like Knitting_Guy said, just be yourself and also be happy with your boyfriend.

scout52
02-11-2008, 02:49 AM
it is a cultural thing besides a color thing. In my case. My grandmother HATED the way she spoke english. she knew she sounded funny. my grandfather had less of an accent than her and she could not speak like him. she hated that people could not understand her when she spoke and it embarrassed her. Maybe it embarrassed his father? My father would at times be very american and say I could do anything a man could do and then be very old world which lead to a very push pull situation. which lead to me moving out of the house. I think you boyfriend is probably feeling the exact same thing. there are things that i LOVE from my culture and things that I LOVE from the american culture. you shouldn't have to give up your history because you come here but you do have to assimliate it is a hard thing to figure out. What makes this a great country is the mixture of all the different cultures which so many people forget at times. but for the ones that are the first ones born here like me and your boyfriend it is a very delicate balance between respecting the family and their history and finding ourselves and our place here. by being with you for over a 1 and 1/2 believe me he has done the unimaginable and stood up to his father more than you know. He really really loves you. you just now have to figure out your place in the family which is unfortunately can be a little difficult. my boyfriend is not spanish but does luckily speak fluent spanish by chance already. but sometimes the cultural differences do cause small problems even now 7 years later. good luck. try to talk to him when you feel left out. i always try to include him. that always seems to help. pm me if you have any questions.

cookworm
02-11-2008, 03:35 AM
Princess, I'm so sorry that you've gone through this.:hug: It's very hard. I was in the same situation as Vic, and I can say, it's really hard, and quite hurtful.
My humble opinion is that I completely second Mason's post, and couldn't have said it better...it's awesome advice. I would echo what's already been said, that will be an uphill battle for you (at least for a little while longer), and you have to prepare yourself for that, and your boyfriend may or may not stand up for you with his parents, so you have to prepare for that, too. I would say that your job would be an ambassador of sorts to his parents...you can prove to them that white women can be loving, kind, and committed, by how you treat your boyfriend and his parents. You can only win people over by your actions, not so much telling them your intentions or what your character is like...people become convinced by what they silently observe. I would continue to try to be as polite, kind, and warm to his parents as you can, but try not to expect anything back from them. If they return your kindness, it's WONDERFUL, but if they don't--by not expecting it in the first place--you'll be less hurt and disappointed. It's a hard situation. I hope that things work out good, and that you're at least feeling better soon about what happened.:heart:

Ellieblue
02-11-2008, 05:34 PM
We have a situtation similier to yours in our family. My nephew married a black person(btw her name is Princess too!) She is a lovely girl and they have two wonderful children. However, my sister (his mother) has never permitted Princess in her home. I think my sister is nuts. She goes to church every Sunday and never misses a holy day. How unchristian can you be. This has been going on for over 20 years. ellie

scout52
02-11-2008, 11:32 PM
We have a situtation similier to yours in our family. My nephew married a black person(btw her name is Princess too!) She is a lovely girl and they have two wonderful children. However, my sister (his mother) has never permitted Princess in her home. I think my sister is nuts. She goes to church every Sunday and never misses a holy day. How unchristian can you be. This has been going on for over 20 years. ellie

wow that's terrible!! my heart goes out for her!!!

princess
02-12-2008, 12:31 AM
well i have a new development to the story. During the dinner, i had some vegetable similar to bok choy, but different, and i really liked it. Its something that they have to go to toronto to get, so theres no way i will ever find any. Well today my bf came for school and his dad had apparently given him a small bag of it to give to me, since it wasnt enough for anymore meals??? I was floored, so im starting to think that maybe it is more of a fear issue than anything else? Im not sure, but it sure threw me for a loop! Im not sure where to go from here now, its kind of like dealing with a hormonal teen, lol, they dont want you around, yet they do....im so confused now lol, but i suppose its better than how i was feeling before

rachejm
02-12-2008, 03:44 PM
A positive development I must say. Perhaps they are warming to you. Or maybe its an apology? Either way I would just be myself, be pleasant and civil, thank him when you next see him and see what happens so you can decide where to go from there.

Abbily
02-12-2008, 04:20 PM
Do you know what it was that the dad said to your bf when you asked him about the dinner?

The gift of the veggies definitely sounds like a positive step, that's wonderful. I do, however, think that if you and bf plan to continue your relationship, at some point (if things don't get better) bf should say something to his parents. He can't make them like you, or even accept you, and he shouldn't ask that of them. However, basic courtesy is a perfectly acceptable request. If they aren't willing to treat you with basic courtesy, I would not spend any more time with them. Don't make any ultimatums or try to get bf to "choose", but at the same time, if he cares for you then he should not be willing to let you be treated that way.