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View Full Version : I have to remember that I love my mother....


letah75
03-13-2008, 03:53 PM
Ok, I REALLY DO LOVE MY MOTHER.....but she is driving me CRAZY!!!!!

I have a mantra that is going through my head right now.

"I LOVE MY MOTHER, YES I DO, I LOVE MY MOTHER HOW 'BOUT YOU?"

I'm getting married (May 31st), I live 3 hours from where we're getting married. So my mom (who lives in Oakland) is having to take care of some details. Filling out paperwork etc. for the hall.

She is lagging, saying "I'll try" when I ask her to do something. She picked up the paperwork for the hall 3 weeks ago. She lives right across the street from the hall (ACROSS THE STREET), it's a two lane non-busy street! She hasn't filled out the paperwork (it's first come first serve), she hasn't asked what time we can get in to set up, which is going to effect the reception time. I can't print the invitations until I know the reception time.

She is "planning" a bridal shower, which is wonderful....however, my cousin is the brides maid. I told mom to call cousin, since she is very organized and wanted to plan the shower. Mom hasn't called her, doesn't have a time, has a semi list. Has been "planning" for two weeks, but that planning is a date only. Has told people she will call them, but hasn't. My cousin is pissed, calling me and saying, "So, I heard you're having a bridal shower. My mom told me." I'm getting stuck in the middle.

When I ask her, if stuff is done (I give her one task at a time because she's not doing the stuff she says she will), she gets upset and says I'm criticizing her. I can't handle this. I'm not a high strung person. I don't need the perfect wedding. Frankly if the flower girl pukes from stage fright I could care less.

We're having family (both sides) do food, it's really a low key thing (although over 200 people, just family and close friends will be there), but nothing too formal, etc.

I just can't stand that she'll promise to get something done, that I could have my aunt or FH's mom do something and have it done, but my mom promises. THEN when I ask her about it 3 weeks later she gets upset and says "I'll try".

She's retired, and teaches at the adult school one day a week for two hours. The rest of the time she plays video games online. Thats it. She's not super busy, she doesn't have a lot of other things to do, she's just lazy.

I can't handle this. It's driving me NUTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want to cry out of frustration, and I'm not that kind of person. I think my basic issue is she's promising to do these things, then not, then the time crunch comes, and I have to try to organize 50 things from 3 hours away, and they are things you really have to be present to take care of.

I don't want this to be an anxiety filled experience. I want this to be very laid back, fun thing. Everything else planning wise is. It's just her.

I do love my mother so, she is a wonderful women, but she is so freakin' lazy, and not following through on her promises, I can't handle this. I'm going to loose it on her, and I don't want to.

saracidaltendencies
03-13-2008, 04:04 PM
Why not try talking to another relative if you have one in that area, or, take care of what you can on your own? Or, politely tell your mom you're going to ask someone else and see if she finally gets on the ball. Though you know otherwise, maybe explain that you know she's busy and you understand if she doesn't have the time to do it but you need to have your plans made in time for the wedding and there a lot of other things waiting on those plans. :hug: Hope things work out for you, I know how frustrating it can be when someone promises to do something but they don't.

Jan in CA
03-13-2008, 04:11 PM
Wow. Timing is essential in planning a wedding.

You didn't ask for advice, but if I may and you may just ignore this if you choose, no hard feelings on my part, ... I would write down everything that she is supposed to be doing and the dates they need to be done by so you'll have the info in front of you. Then I'd call her and tell her the situation calmly (again) and explain why these things have to be done by a certain time. Like if you don't reserve the hall by a certain time someone else may snap it up and you can't get the invitations printed in time to send them out. Personally I would give the shower duties to your cousin and just tell your mother. The bridesmaids or maid of honors are supposed to do that traditionally anyway and you can explain that you didn't want to hurt your cousins feelings. Go through your list and then give her a date that is before anything HAS to be done for real and tell her if she can't get it done by then you will delegate to someone else. She may just be overwhelmed and need to have other people working on it whether she'll admit it or not.

Anyhooo...:hug::hug::hug:

KnittingNat
03-13-2008, 04:15 PM
First of all, a big :hug:! And Mazal Tov (congratulations) again:muah:.
About your mother - obviously you can't change her, so take a day off, drive there and get everything done. Tell her your cousin will handle the shower and talk to your cousin. Don't worry about your mother being upset - it's your wedding and you don't want to be stuck without a hall. And believe me - if she's that lazy, she'll act upset for two days and then forget about it and be relieved that the whole thing was taken care of. When DH and I planned our wedding we worked by the principle of "If you want it done - do it yourself". The only thing that our parents did was that each mother found the bus to drive part of the guests to the place (we had an outdoor garden wedding), because it was out of town.
And again - huge :hug: and i hope you'll enjoy all the preparations!

letah75
03-13-2008, 04:58 PM
:muah: Thanks!

I think venting is what I need. :teehee:

Jan and everyone, advice is great. Since I've never been married before, and haven't had to do all of this any advice is appreciated!

I finally had to do the photographer, flowers, myself. Mom came through on the cake. The church was a breeze because it's my dad's church. The hall I think I'm going to have to have them fax me the paperwork, and then have my dad follow up. I just called and had them fax me the paperwork (not until Monday, 'cause their busy). So hopefully she'll fax it early and I can fill it out and get back to her.

Lately my mom is falling into the child of an alcoholic thing, everything is her fault, she can't do anything right, etc. I am very definitely my father's child and that attitude is driving me crazy.

What I've been doing is giving her tasks, giving her a week, then doing them myself, and just letting her know when they are done. That seems to work well. She shrugs it off if she thinks I am doing it. But if she thinks someone else is doing it, she flips.

Seriously, everything is done except the hall and the invitations.....oh, hotel reservations, my bra, petticoat and alterations.....oh, and FH has to get his suit, but that's going to take but a min.

Other than that everything is done.....I've gotten everything planned and organized in about 6 weeks.

I think my frustration is just that I love my mom to death and just want her out of her "whatever" funk.

letah75
03-13-2008, 05:59 PM
Ok, update....apparently, my calling the hall prompted mom to get her butt in gear. She filled out the paperwork and got it in! So I have the hall reserved!!!!! :woot: Although she did e-mail me and say "reservation in she said something about a separate form for a key which she did not give me but I can check on that next week or so. She couldn't understand why you were in such a panic to get the form in, "It's on the calender, so there is no rush. The wedding isn't until May"

As for the bridal shower, I called my cousin and asked her to call my mom. Luckily, she was raise by my aunt who is my mom only 2 years older and so my cousin understands my love-stration (love and frustration mixed together) of my mother.

She is going to work with mom so she thinks she is in charge, but things will get done.

Thank you all for your advice. I think in my frustrated state I couldn't think, and the things you guys put down helped me get out of the funk. Thanks again!

Dangles
03-13-2008, 06:41 PM
:hug:

lelvsdgs
03-13-2008, 07:07 PM
Congrats on the upcoming wedding!

I'm glad things are working out for you. Sometimes we just have to understand that they just can't (or won't) do the things they promise and make other arrangements. Sounds like you are doing just that.

And do love your mother, someday she'll be gone...

Spikey
03-13-2008, 10:37 PM
Hang in there. :hug:I remember the Wedding Planning Hell all too well. It is SO incredibly stressful and until you are on the other side of it, you can't realize how much it is wearing on you.

That's great that you finally have your hall confirmed. I don't quite understand why you have to help plan your own shower, though, and hopefully your cousin can take over that successfully.

Just remember to breathe, and do whatever you can to get some fun time for you and your man - you need it! :muah:

texas1107`
03-16-2008, 09:20 AM
Congrats on the upcoming wedding!

I'm glad things are working out for you. Sometimes we just have to understand that they just can't (or won't) do the things they promise and make other arrangements. Sounds like you are doing just that.

And do love your mother, someday she'll be gone...

Sometimes way too soon!

lelvsdgs
03-17-2008, 04:53 PM
And do post pictures!!! I'm sure everything is going to be beautiful!!!

:woohoo:

letah75
03-17-2008, 05:22 PM
Thanks again for your support and understanding. Mom has calmed it down, and it looks like everything is going to work out. :-)

I will definitely post pics when I get them, supposed to get them two weeks after the wedding. God two months (and a half), man oh man it's coming quick!!!!!

Everyday it hits me a little bit more, I'm gonna be a wife, and step-mom....well I'm already doing the step-mom wife stuff, but it'll be recognized, and celebrated by both families which will be awesome.

Too cool too....the food is all going to be cooked by both families. So it's Belizean food, Mexican food, and chicken casserole (for the picky eaters). But really neat, the Liberian women who go to the church told my mom, they were going to be cooking too, and will be bringing a ton of food to the reception. So it's Belizean, Mexican, African and chicken casserole. Including Italian dessert (my aunt), cassava cake, lemon meringue pie, and all kinds of Belizean desserts. My mouth is watering already.

msoebel
03-18-2008, 10:50 AM
My mom is very much like your mom. A wonderful person, very kind, very caring, great fun to be around...but oh-so-last-minute that I just want to scream. Growing up, they NEVER planned for ANYTHING. Not kidding. Most of our vacations were along the lines of "Hey, you know what? Let's take next week off of work and go camping!" (said on Friday morning). Everything was spontaneous and last minute, and yes, that can be loads of fun...but when you are planning a wedding, that will drive you batty.

She wanted to be so involved in the wedding preparations, but wouldn't follow through with anything. Dh and I paid for our wedding, but she insisted that she wanted to buy my wedding gown (after she knew the price tag, mind you). She paid the $50 deposit, then didn't pay anything else. Which wouldn't have been a big deal if she hadn't said she would. I put that $600 toward another cost, then had to find another $600 out of nowhere when my dress was delivered. She insisted on planning a second bridal shower, then didn't invite anyone until 2 days before...she wanted to help with the menu, and got mad when we finally did it 3 weeks before the wedding.

STRESS.

Fortunately, we got married (10 years ago in July) and our world returned to normal. Until my sister got married.:teehee:

knitncook
03-18-2008, 11:14 AM
It can be very stressful to deal with family, especially when they don't behave as you would. I have the same frustrations with my mother. Everything is on her timetable and she is most motivated by approaching deadlines. I'm very much the planner, list-maker, get-it-doner. Hate leaving things to the last minute. It can be very frustrating trying to plan things with her. So don't much anymore.

Debkcs
03-18-2008, 03:28 PM
I'm so glad that everything has worked out for you.

Knowing my family, my Dh and I just planned our little wedding ourselves and didn't have any fuss to it at all.

lelvsdgs
03-18-2008, 04:03 PM
That food sounds delicious! We had a similar thing at our reception, we did a potluck (it was a very informal wedding) and everyone had a great time. The best thing was that people brought recipie cards for the dishes they made so I got a ton of new recipies to use as well! I still use most of them to this day!

ArtLady1981
03-22-2008, 02:32 AM
...but she is so freakin' lazy....

Has she always been lazy? If so...then you already knew better.
If not, maybe a hidden health issue is impacting her ability to focus and follow through. Possible?

My best to you, and I hope your wedding day is filled with love and happiness and good memories! :heart:

photolady
03-22-2008, 10:11 PM
Congrats on the upcoming wedding!

And do love your mother, someday she'll be gone...

Yes, ditto, congratulations on your upcoming marriage. Many years of marital bliss, wished for you.
And, ditto on the love your mother. My advice?

Hold on to as many mementos of your mom as you can get. Pile it on, grab every email of hers, every memory you can get of her, NOW, and keep it all in a safe place.

Maybe your mom is dragging her feet, because she's sad you're getting married. You're all grown up now, and maybe she just will miss the status she had with you. I don't know, just guessing.
Hug her, and give her a kiss, tomorrow.

My mother died of an aortic aneurysm 2 years ago, I saw her 2 hours before she died, at 1 am, I flew in to Wisconsin, rushed to the hospital, and tried to talk to her through her morphine haze. She struggled hard to respond, too.
I regret, regret, regret not having saved her emails, and not having taken more photos of her. Take my advice. Grab all of her that you can, now, and keep it in a safe place.
Sorry to be so down, but, you do love your mother, and...that is great.

Amyzing
03-25-2008, 10:27 AM
And do love your mother, someday she'll be gone...

Sometimes way too soon!

Yes! I wish I could have my mother at my wedding under any circumstances, but I will have to go through all of it without her.

But your bond with your mother sounds like a great thing and I'm glad everything is going in the right direction now! I hope all of your frustrations with the planning taper off so you can enjoy your special day! Congrats!! :)

letah75
03-25-2008, 02:16 PM
Hey all,

Sorry it's taken so long to respond! Thanks for all the good wishes. Mom is doing a little better. She actually called my aunt to start planning the bridal shower....although she canceled the meeting at the last minute.

I know I drive her just as crazy as she drives me. I'm my father's daughter and a little too organized for her liking. :teehee:

I love my mom to death, and I cherish every minute we have. She just drives me nuts. :-)

ArtLady1981
03-25-2008, 07:06 PM
....I love my mom to death, and I cherish every minute we have.

So happy to hear you are feeling better! :cheering: