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susi
09-04-2008, 06:38 AM
Ds is 5 and i just dont know what to do with him.

I've been a single parent living with my parents and older brother since he was born. He met new dp in july and adores him. to the point he cant wait for him to liove with us (our own place not with my parents etc).

ds has always had one hell of a temper to the point the health visitor commented on it when he was months old!!
last time i met up with dp i was covered in bruises, i had to lie to him and say they were from my horse doing it to me when the truth is its ds thats biting me hitting kicking punching me etc.

i spoke to my gp and all he says is send him to school and he'll be fine. ds is perfect at the doc's because he gets given a toy everytime he goes by the doc.

usually he's ok when were out in english company, in french like the supermarket etc he's a nightmare.

for the next month him and me are sharing a bedroom (we have been pretty much since he was a baby) as my bedroom isnt renovated yet, hopefully the next month it will be). he's up at about 6am then dosent go to sleep until gone 11pm every night. no matter what i do/try this wont change. even the year he went to school it was as bad. i thought he'd be tired which he was but he fought sleep and was worse behaved.

im not sure if its the fact that i hate living with my parenst as we dont get on very well and there are a lot of rows between me and my dad and brother.

i think another factor is that my brother is very aggresive towards eveything and everyone. he hits things, kicks walls putting holes in them (thankfully dads a builder so they can be repmaired straight away) but ds sees this happeneing. my brother swears terribly, so now ds does as well. all i ever hear is for f***s sake and oh s**t. i hate swearing and hate the fact he does. i have spoken to my brother about it and it ends up in a huge row every time. i never back down as i know what hes doing infront of ds is wrong (its wrong not infront of him). i've spoken to my parents they have tried talking to him.

he also sees my dad has issues with his temper. if somethings bothered him he will cause a row between mum and me. never at my brother as he knows he would have a real go back.
dp is trying to get it so he can move here after christmas, im now scared he'll see ds the way he is and walk away. he knows ds has issues and also knows some of the things that go on. i dont think i could ever tell him everything without him thinking less of me.
i just dont know how to help ds, right now i know i am being a bad parent but i just dont know what to do. i tried smacking him (gp advised me to try this as nothing else worked) other than making me cry everytime it did nothing. he would just say oh mum that was gentle, do it again harder next time.

he has my attention from the minute he gets up until he goes to bed and after he keeps running in to see me being naughty refusing to go to bed. i then get spat at when i make him go back to bed.

as my gp is being less than helpful i just dont know what to do. the stupid thing is he is a lovley little boy underneath all this. he is generous beyond belief. if he has chocolate (not ofetn as its sugar, he has a healthy diet and yoghurt for puddings rather than sugary rubbish, he has next to no fizzy drinks, best is very weak orange squash with no added sugar, usually water though tbh, so diet wise i dont know how i can change it) he willoffer anyone and everyone it before he eats it.

if someone phones he screams shouts and starts hitting me so he's center of attention.he is so embarasing when he's like taht and its say a work call.

when he was at school (for a year at the age of 3) he was made to do as he's told by his teacher and rebelled a little when she wanted him to do something he didnt want to, other than that he made friends and and had fun. i plan to start him again after i move areas after christmas, but i have the mean time i just dont get any break and right now i cant cope with him. my mums in a wheel chair and wont help herself with anything, let alone help me with him.if she drops soemthing she will call me rather than get it herself (she is in a chair through her own choice NOT that she needs to be).

i just dont know what to do next, im now at my witts end. i think prehaps i just need a break from everything i dont know

sorry this is so long, and i dont even know why im posting this but i cant think straight right now because he's been hell all morning. he woke up wonderfully asking me to go lay in bed with him saying i was his best friend and how much he loves me etc. its almost like a split personality thing

GinnyG
09-04-2008, 09:48 AM
Sorry but I don't understand your abbreviations..... I assume Ds is dear son but what is a gp and dp?

But you are clearly in need of some parenting help and a drastic change in how you are handling your son. Is there someone "professional" you can go to for help?

PurlyGyrl
09-04-2008, 09:57 AM
Oh, gosh! I'm sorry I have no advice but I did want to give you a big :hug: .

Ginny: I think "gp" is short for a general practioner--a family doctor. Not sure about the "dp". Let me ponder on that.

Jeremy
09-04-2008, 10:11 AM
I think this is way beyond the abilities of a gp. I would highly recommend a child psychiatrist that speaks a language in which you and your son are most fluent. It sounds like he is exhibiting behavior which is outside the normal for his age.

miccisue
09-04-2008, 10:13 AM
Personally, I'd forget the gp and head directly to a mental health professional. There are some serious issues going on here. I understand he's your son and you love him to death, but this child needs help and he needs it badly.
It may take several tries before you find the right "fit" in a psychiatrist or psychologist, so if the first person you visit isn't right, keep on trying.
In no way am I qualified to diagnose these problems, it just sounds like an emotional problem or possibly a chemical imbalance that makes him incapable of keeping his actions acceptible. Could be anger, could be a personality disorder, could be jealousy......I don't know. I do know that gp's are just that general practitioners, and they are often in a quandry as to how to deal with these types of problems. Find someone who does.
JMHO.

Abbily
09-04-2008, 10:16 AM
Susi, wow, you really have your hands full! I'm so sorry for all the stress you're dealing with right now! I don't know if I can offer any good advice, but I definitely wanted to send you some hugs at the very least. The only advice I can come up with is that you need some outside help. If your gp isn't helping, see if you can find another gp or pediatric doctor to take him to. Maybe some counseling or something like that? Someone that can work with both of you and show you both how to start new routines and get rid of the old ones. Maybe if you pick one behavior at a time that you want to change, and just focus on that one thing. I'd start with the hitting, etc. Find a way to STOP giving him attention for those behaviors, and find something that will motivate him to change just that one behavior. If there's a toy or privilege you can take away, go with that. Or find chores for him to do, or something like that. When my 4 and 6 year old girls get out of hand they sweep floors, clean bathroom counters (with water/dishsoap, not chemicals!), collect the trash, etc.

It also sounds like he might need some structure in his day with you. From your description, it sounds like he misbehaves to get your attention. When he's behaving, you are kept busy dealing with your mom, etc, so he gets your attention best by acting out. Maybe if you can find a way to structure your day and his- make time that is just for him, and do planned activities during those times. Explain that this time is his, and do your best to honor that. This may take some explaining to your family as well! Then have planned activities for him to be doing while you have time set apart for helping your mom and whatever other responsibilities you have.

Try to find a way to get a break for yourself, too. Even if you can just find a Mom's Day Out program for a couple of hours a week, anything will help you recharge your own batteries.

Good luck!

evona
09-04-2008, 10:28 AM
I too suggest some therapy and a child psychologist. It sounds like there is definitely more going on than a gp can handle and its definitely causing a lot of stress for you too. Good luck and hang in there! :hug:

susi
09-04-2008, 10:58 AM
Susi, wow, you really have your hands full! I'm so sorry for all the stress you're dealing with right now! I don't know if I can offer any good advice, but I definitely wanted to send you some hugs at the very least. The only advice I can come up with is that you need some outside help. If your gp isn't helping, see if you can find another gp or pediatric doctor to take him to. Maybe some counseling or something like that? Someone that can work with both of you and show you both how to start new routines and get rid of the old ones. Maybe if you pick one behavior at a time that you want to change, and just focus on that one thing. I'd start with the hitting, etc. Find a way to STOP giving him attention for those behaviors, and find something that will motivate him to change just that one behavior. If there's a toy or privilege you can take away, go with that. Or find chores for him to do, or something like that. When my 4 and 6 year old girls get out of hand they sweep floors, clean bathroom counters (with water/dishsoap, not chemicals!), collect the trash, etc.

It also sounds like he might need some structure in his day with you. From your description, it sounds like he misbehaves to get your attention. When he's behaving, you are kept busy dealing with your mom, etc, so he gets your attention best by acting out. Maybe if you can find a way to structure your day and his- make time that is just for him, and do planned activities during those times. Explain that this time is his, and do your best to honor that. This may take some explaining to your family as well! Then have planned activities for him to be doing while you have time set apart for helping your mom and whatever other responsibilities you have.

Try to find a way to get a break for yourself, too. Even if you can just find a Mom's Day Out program for a couple of hours a week, anything will help you recharge your own batteries.

Good luck!


i think you have just offered me the best advise of all.

After reading what you wrote i sat here for 10 min's thinking well everytime he startes its usually afetr mum has been phoning a few times to get help, so interupting 'our' time. i just take that for normal, but a 5 year old wont see it like that, he'll see granny calling to spoil his fun. Any jobs i do he helps me with. We have horses and goats, he mixes up feeds etc so there is very little that i have to do without him (or want to when he's his normal self hes a great little fella).

I took ds to england to meet dp (dear partner) back in july as i said, for 5 days it was just the 3 of us and he only had 1 problem, but that was candy floss related so dont think i can count that lol.

this morning everything just big style got ontop of me and i couldnt cope at all. everything that could happen did happen.

he's appologised tp the cat for hurting him this morning, thankfully no harm done and it wasnt ine of the ferrals so i can boost his confidence up again easily.

when mum told ds off the other day, he just turned to her and said that ok granny mummy will go and pack our bags and we'll go and live with kevin (dp) in engalnd. what on the earth do you say to a 5 year old that says that!!

what i was planning on doing is waiting until we move house and he starts school with dp here full time in his own house with no granny grandad or uncle (or excuses) and seeing how things go from there and work along side a child psychologist of need be. I did find a list of english speaking once and have kept them handy.

thank you all for your advise though, i was just so low this morning as i said everything just happened at once. i am dealing with more daily than i can cope with easily. goodness i miss work, it was soo easy and relaxed lol

thank you all again you guys are the best:muah:

Jan in CA
09-04-2008, 12:26 PM
I think he needs some serious child counseling. Parenting classes on how to handle him and the household situation would also be helpful for you. Having the influence of other people who show their anger in an unsafe way is not good for him.

Abbily
09-04-2008, 02:26 PM
Susi, if it's going to be a while before you guys get out of that house, you might want to seek some outside help for both of you, just to help you cope. That's not a good situation for anyone. Like you said, if you can barely cope with the situation, then a 5 year old will definitely need a little extra help. :) It sucks to be stuck in a tough situation like that, even briefly. Good luck!

rachael72knitter
09-04-2008, 07:07 PM
Hate to say it, but I think he is overwhelmed and acting out in that household. I think you are right to be moving, and get him around a less stressful environment. I would also talk to a mental health professional for the child.

I do think it is outside of the range of normal behavior as someone else said. Def. get it taken care of now, b/c if you are getting fruises all over you at the age of 5, you will be worse off as he grows, and his acting out can become more violent.

I hope it all works out for you.

brightspot
09-07-2008, 09:49 PM
You said that he was fine with you and dp in England. This may be way off, but maybe he is looking for a good male role model who can show your ds that he really cares about him. It sounds like he knows how he is supposed to behave, but he feels like the proper way to get attention in your parent's house is to throw a tantrum since that is what the other males there do. It sounds to me like he would rather live with dp and behave well than live with your parents and behave badly.

nbrome
09-11-2008, 04:10 PM
Susi, I thought for a while before replying to this. Some points:
1- you said he did better in school. I think a child of 5 ought to be with other children. Mum and lots of animals is great but he needs to socialise. You may have lots of problems at first but I think this is the first thing you have to do.
2-I, too, think his behaviour is attention-seeking and the result of frustration. Do you really think that a 5-year-old who offers chocolate to everyone else before he eats it is normal behaviour? If he went to school he would see that no-one else does that!
3-I feel for you because I too had my children in a foreign country with another language. Don't underestimate the problems they have with trying to figure out why you all speak differently, they don't even understand the concept of language, they just know you are different. This is another reason why school is important.
4-Don't worry about trying to find an English-speaking therapist. Most therapy at that age is play-related anyway. My son went through therapy at age 12 and did sand-play therapy even then. It's not psycho-analysis!
In any case, if he can start school now he will be able to speak French in a couple of months. Kids are much quicker than we are. Probably the school system includes psychological services like it does here.
Let us know how you get on.

susi
09-12-2008, 06:54 AM
Nbrome, he didnt do better at school, it just allowed me to have a break. i sent him for
a school year and he had only just started picking up the manguage. he is pickinh it up
at home now better than ever. he speaks it in the supermarket and to french friends etc.
I agree totally that he needs friends of his own age as well. the main reason i pulled
him out of school was lack of transport and it is just to far to walk, as it happens the
schoolis closing down. I am moving in the next few weeks to a bigger area where there
will be a choice of schools. he will be starting asap. i have decided to wait until after
dp comes to stay for 10 days though as i know ds would hate me for not letting him have as
much quality time with him possible. dp would miss out also as he adores ds.
I agree that it is attention seeking from a male role model that is a 'good' role model.
he has me 24/7 and is to be honest sick to the back teeth of me now (you can have to much
mum i guess lol).
The chocolate thing is something i worked very hard onto make sure he shared very well.
it is something i did as a child also. he will also turn down chocolate if he dosent want
it. he can be very grown upfor his age, again the fact hes around adults all the time
dosent help, but that is being addressed. i couldnt do anything until i moved.

he tells me often enough that he would prefer to live with mummy and new daddy (his choice
to call dp that totally, i have never encouraged it as i thought it will happen if he wants
it to, dp's over the moon that ds wants to call him that). I have told dp everything about
ds behaviour, he just said that between the 2 of us we will get to the bottom of it and it
will sort. we have very simular parenting ideas so it should work out. as i said dp is
coming here in just over a weeks time when for the majority or the 10 days hes here it will
be the 3 of us doing fencing for the horses and being a family. ds is sooo excited its unreal
if either of us can find a job when i move dp will stay in france and we will live together,
so ds will have the 'normal' family life he desperatly wants.
When i posted i was so very low it was unreal (as you can probably tell by the post)
i had had the worst day i had ever had with him. and he was out of controll totally that
day. to the point of i ended up putting him in his bedroom and telling him he had to stay
there until he calmed down! i really couldnt cope with how he was acting. the bext day he
started over and was a different child. he has had his moments but not like that day,
thankfully lol. im more relaxed, prehaps because i know its just weeks until the move.
but what ever it is its working for now.
thanks again everyone for you kind words and help

knitpurlgurl
09-12-2008, 09:48 AM
Hugs.. it sounds like he has some anger/aggression issues. My son has Asperger's Syndrome and has had recent anger issues. He has been seeing a therapist for a while now. I gave him a blank journal and he writes or draws his emotions when he feels very upset. It has helped him to focus his anger rather than to be self-destructive. I agree with pp that you need to take time for you and have time apart. It's good for kids to have time away from you. Even if it's only 1 evening a week. Good luck! :)