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blueeyes28
11-18-2008, 09:12 AM
My husband and I have been married for 5 1/2 years and lately we have had some arguments that have left me feeling strange,we made up and talked about the issues(talked them to death!)that we were having and we both said we would do what it takes to make it better but part of me still feels a little weird about it.
Let me tell you a little bit about the fight,I am a bit of a control freak and a little bit insecure as well(I was raised in an alcoholic household)so my husband to avoid any unneccasary arguments told me a little white lie (his words not mine)to avoid confrontation from me,well needles to say he got caught and here we are.Part of me feels like in his shoes I would do the same thing because I know that I tend to overreact to a lot of things but I told him that in order for me to work on that he needs to tell me the truth weather I like it or not is not the important part,the things he lies about are what he spends money on mostly because he thinks I wont approve (I probably wouldn't) but it isn't really my place and I know that it is pretty small amounts of money and since he brings home the majority of the "bacon" he needs to be able to spend a few bucks how he wants too.Finally my question for those of you have been happily married for years is this just normal marriage stuff?
Holy long post sorry about that!

saracidaltendencies
11-18-2008, 10:08 AM
Definitely normal marriage stuff. Sometimes it takes a while to work out all the kinks, but, in time it happens. It took years for hubby and I to finally get to the point we're at today (all major fights fought and major problems solved).

Of course there are still little spats every now and again, but, even that's only like once or twice a year.

As long as you guys are on the same page and working towards the same goal, things will be just fine.

iza
11-18-2008, 10:37 AM
I read somewhere that money issues cause the majority of problems in couples. So... yes, it IS absolutely very normal marriage stuff! I would even say, it's stuff that can easily be fixed. :hug:

Maybe you simply need to organize your budget so that your insecurities are answered and his space is respected? You could for instance have a fixed amount per month for personal expenses, for both of you. This amount would be no questions asked, no approval needed. If you're both comfortable with an arrangement like that, it could prevent a lot of arguments.

That's just my opinion, though. :thumbsup:

Abbily
11-18-2008, 10:52 AM
Definitely normal marriage stuff. However, I think you're absolutely right that he needs to be honest with you. The thing about little white lies is that once you're comfortable with them, bigger ones don't feel so bad. And once you break trust with someone, it's pretty hard to get back. I would make a pact with DH that you promise to take a deep breath before responding to him if he promises to always be honest with you. Neither of you needs to make an account of each penny spent (unless money is that tight, in which case it's OK to keep track of spending that closely!) but being honest is incredibly important.

I was going to suggest the same thing Iza did- budget a certain amount for each of you each month that is *yours*, that you don't have to account for how you each spend it. Anything over that amount requires a consultation. That way he doesn't feel uncomfortable about small expenditures, and you don't feel that his spending is out of control. You both get a little of what you need, and you both give a little. :)

blueeyes28
11-18-2008, 11:48 AM
Thanks so much everyone!We did decide that weekly when he gets paid he will take a certain amount of cash from that check for himself depending on what we can afford that week or if there is anything he feels like he wants or need and that way he can do with it what he wants no questions asked,I really think that he was feeling very controled by me and for that I feel really badly I know that if I don't change that either eventually he will leave or worse stay and be unhappy for ever.
Has anyone else grown up with two alcoholic parents?I know that is where this comes from,I learned very early on that the only one I could always count on was me and that nobody could be trusted and as much as I have tried there is still some of that bull@%#$ that haunts me today I have come a long way but when things like this occur it reminds me that I still have a way to go.

hartleystudio
11-18-2008, 01:37 PM
I have two little things to add....

A friend of ours said that year #7 is the hardest and it's seven years from the begining of when things got "serious." We didn't believe him but that turned out to be true.

Also, I started giving my husband an allowance every week (I do the banking) and it has been a TREMENDOUS help!!!

Good luck!!

cftwo
11-18-2008, 01:53 PM
Blueeyes - if you still feel you have issues to work through because of your parents, would attending Al-Anon meetings or getting some counseling help you?

blueeyes28
11-18-2008, 02:02 PM
I am beginning to think couseling may definately be the way to go it is going to be hard though to find the time I might check out some online support groups if there are such a thing in my case.

blueeyes28
11-18-2008, 02:05 PM
I have two little things to add....

A friend of ours said that year #7 is the hardest and it's seven years from the begining of when things got "serious." We didn't believe him but that turned out to be true.

Also, I started giving my husband an allowance every week (I do the banking) and it has been a TREMENDOUS help!!!

Good luck!!
That must be the 7 year itch huh?I have also heard that and we are approaching 7 years as far as the relationship is concerened.

Denise in Michigan
11-18-2008, 02:13 PM
(...)I really think that he was feeling very controled by me and for that I feel really badly I know that if I don't change that either eventually he will leave or worse stay and be unhappy for ever.
Has anyone else grown up with two alcoholic parents?I know that is where this comes from,I learned very early on that the only one I could always count on was me and that nobody could be trusted and as much as I have tried there is still some of that bull@%#$ that haunts me today I have come a long way but when things like this occur it reminds me that I still have a way to go.
You have come a long way already in recognizing the following:

1) You've been exhibiting unacceptably controlling behavior toward your husband because of trust issues created by your parents behavior.
2) Until now, the only person close to you whom you could rely upon was yourself. This coping mechanism has been a part of you since early childhood.
3) You recognize that although you've made progress in trusting people close to you, the roots of the problem are deep. Continued effort by you and input from your husband are both needed.
4) Looking ahead, the worst thing that you can imagine happening if you don't modify your behavior is that "... he will stay ... and be unhappy forever." This tells me that his welfare and happiness is much more important to you than your own.

A next step might be to review the above with him and ask for his support and input.

Jan in CA
11-18-2008, 02:17 PM
I think some counseling is absolutely necessary. Immediate issues can often be dealt with, but when you have long term issues to work through it's really the only answer. They can help you learn how to deal with your control issues and see what it is doing to your marriage.

BTW - I've been married 34 years. Money is a common issue in marriage, but I think your reactions are based on the long term issues.
:hug::hug::hug:

blueeyes28
11-18-2008, 02:56 PM
Thanks Denise,I did talk to him the other night about some of these issues and he was very understanding but he grew up completely the opposite of me,he was in the same house his whole life with same phone number and his parents are just as in love today as they were when they married(probably more)and nobody cheated or drank the rent or bill money away so I don't expect him to be able to relate,I am confident that we will be fine I just need to get this stuff off my chest I guess.

blueeyes28
11-18-2008, 03:05 PM
I think some counseling is absolutely necessary. Immediate issues can often be dealt with, but when you have long term issues to work through it's really the only answer. They can help you learn how to deal with your control issues and see what it is doing to your marriage.

BTW - I've been married 34 years. Money is a common issue in marriage, but I think your reactions are based on the long term issues.
:hug::hug::hug:
Thanks Jan I agree.Money to me is so important because we never really had any growing up I don't want to be rich I just want to pay the bills and have a little left over to play with wich we do I guess I just live in fear that one day it'll be gone.

cftwo
11-18-2008, 04:33 PM
Look what I found! I don't know if this would help or not, but it might be worth a look

http://www.ola-is.org/

blueeyes28
11-18-2008, 04:56 PM
Look what I found! I don't know if this would help or not, but it might be worth a look

http://www.ola-is.org/
Cool thanks I am checking it out right now.

vaknitter
11-18-2008, 06:10 PM
I have been looking into counselling for the hubby and I. We too grew up differently - my parents were " in love" and I don't ever remember seeing them fight in front of me. His parents seem to fight over just about everything so that is normal to him and he thinks he can pick fights with me over anything and everything and in the morning it will be fine. My biggest issue is that I want more help around the house without having to ask. I'll worry about money when we have some : )

Plantgoddess+
11-18-2008, 06:51 PM
After 37 years, the biggest thing I've learned is that hubby's job is not to make me happy or mine to make him happy. We treat each other as we would treat friends. I am not his mother and we have few interests in common, but we repect our differences, it gives us more to talk about when we spend time together. Our toughest time was about 20 years in and it was as much our financial condition as being lazy about being kind to each other. He is still my best friend and we still look for ways to be nice to each other.

MoniDew
11-19-2008, 01:27 PM
oh, yes. Normal. After nearly 30 years of marriage (to the same man) I can honestly say that there are points along the way when it is normal to renegociate the terms of your contract. :smile: The balance of power shifts during a marriage. It helps to understand that. Most couples prefer to avoid huge power struggles by doing little things like hiding money from eachother. But, occassionally, the big power struggle HAS to happen. It's the only way you two will ever have what you really want from eachother and the relationship.

My husband can become extremely insecure and fearful. I don't know why, he just is. That makes him act like an idiot sometimes. I overlook this. And he overlooks my idiocy too. The silent agreement between partners has always been, "I see your little boy, you see my little girl, and we keep that secret from everyone else."

You two are going to be fine. :muah: :hug:
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