View Full Version : I don't know what to do.
01-24-2009, 12:38 AM
My grandpa (who's been losing his battle with cancer for the past year) was admitted to the hospital after falling tonight and is now in a coma; they don't think he's going to make it through the night.
I'm not close to him, I never have been. But all three of my sisters and my mom are EXTREMELY close to him. I do love him, but in a sort of distant way. I'm an extremely sympathetic person, so hearing of anyone I know being extremely sick, dying, or in pain just tears me up inside.
I don't know how to feel right now. I keep crying but I know that my mom more than anyone needs me to stay strong. How do I stay strong when all I want to do is crumple? I've never had to deal with the death of anyone I've known before, so after almost 22 years in the world I just feel... unprepared.
01-24-2009, 12:44 AM
Lady Firelyght :hug:
Don't tell yourself there's a right or wrong way to feel about this. You just need to allow yourself to feel what you feel. There should be no guilt involved because you don't think you're reacting just the right way you should. You can be there to comfort your siblings and your mom and still be emotional yourself. I remember when my uncle passed away when I was 19. I wasn't particularly close to him either, but it hit me a lot harder than I knew it would. But that's OK. Emotions aren't logical, good or bad. They just are, so you have the right to honor them, whatever you are feeling, and honor your grandpa's memory too.
Crying doesn't equal not being strong. It's part of grieving, so be kind to yourself, OK? :hug: :hug: :hug:
01-24-2009, 12:57 AM
:hug: Oh, I am so sorry that your grandpa has taken a turn for the worse. There is no right or wrong way to deal with the serious illness or death of a loved one; everyone does it in their own way, and go through various stages (denial, anger, grief, acceptance, etc.) at their own pace.
Being there for one another still leaves room for each of you, as individuals and as a family, to express your feelings - whatever those feelings might be, including crying. You can all gain strength and encouragement from one another. Your feelings are your feelings; true and right for you.
I will keep you in my thoughts (and prayers, if you don't mind), as you go through tonight and the days to come.:heart:
01-24-2009, 02:00 AM
I am so sorry to hear about your grandpa, I too lost my grandpa to cancer.
What has been said is so incredibly true: crying does not equal not being strong. To try to stifle your emotions will only do more harm in the long run, and, may lead to resentment.
I love my grandma more than I could ever say, but, the very last time I saw my grandpa, before my family went into the hospital room, my grandma asked us not to cry in front of my grandpa. My grandpa knew he was dying. He knew he wouldn't leave that hospital. He heard the doctors say if he didn't stop bleeding after another pint of blood they weren't going to give him anymore (he had already gone through quite a bit). Though I wouldn't call my feelings resentment, I wish my grandma wouldn't have asked me not to cry. It was so difficult trying to act like I was ok and I wanted so badly to burst out in tears because I knew that day would be the last day I ever had with him.
I also lost my grandpa on my father's side, and, though our family hadn't spoken to my grandma and grandpa in years (a result of them disowning my dad), I still cried for a few days. My feelings for him were nowhere near the feelings I had for my grandpa on my mom's side, however, though death is natural, it is a sad thing no matter who it is and we all deal with it in our own way.
Grieve in the way that is right for you, in the way it comes naturally to you. Emotions aren't right or wrong, they just are.
I think just being there for your family, crying or not, will be comfort enough. :hug: Your family is in my thoughts.
01-24-2009, 11:33 AM
:hug: I'm so sorry to hear about your grandpa. I too haven't had much experience in losing someone close to me. My grandma died in 2002 and I wasn't close to her either. She lived in another state, and I drove the long drive alone (dh had to work) and I did it for my Dad. It's the fact that you are just there with those who are grieving more than you are, you don't necessarily need to do anything but just be around. It is okay to cry too if you are upset. Don't feel badly if that's what your emotions are telling you to do. All you need to do is be the shoulder they may need at that time, it'll mean more than you'll ever know. :hug:
01-24-2009, 11:44 AM
:hug: I'm sorry about your grandfather. As one has said crying is not a sign of being weak...the most important thing is just be there for your mom...be together with your sisters and family...hold onto one another. :heart:
01-24-2009, 12:38 PM
Thanks for all your kind words, everyone. My grandpa passed away at a little before 9am EST. The doctors said he wouldn't make it through the night, but he did. It's all hitting me so hard now, but it's comforting to know that he didn't die in pain. My grandma was with him until a few minutes before he died. She said it was as if he was waiting for her to leave so she wouldn't see him die. They were married for 53 years.
01-24-2009, 01:00 PM
Sending hugs, blessings and good thoughts to you. I'm sorry to hear about your grandpa. :hug:
01-24-2009, 01:07 PM
i am so sorry. my grandmother battled through cancer but did not make it. I learned that i did not hope and felt horrible after. i know what you are going through. Allyou can do is hope and pray. I am praying for your family. Remember, there is Heaven.
01-24-2009, 02:18 PM
:grphug: Sorry to hear of your grandfather's passing. Your family is in my thoughts and prayers.
01-24-2009, 11:17 PM
There is never anything wrong with crumpling into a pile on the floor. Everyone has their own ways of dealing with grief and loss. Perhaps the strongest people are those that can show their emotions to others.
01-25-2009, 11:24 AM
I'm sorry to hear about your grandfather.
Everyone deals with death differently - some people cry now, others cry later, and the memories can hit you out of the blue over the next while (the "while" can be weeks or months or years - different for different people). When my step-grandfather died, I spent a lot of time helping out. Basically I hung around and did what was needed - runs to the grocery store, chauffering my grandmother around, etc.
Just a note: wear waterproof mascara (if you wear any) to the funeral. I tend to weep at funerals (some people don't) and learned this the hard way. I went to a funeral with a friend of mine once, and I think he was a bit overwhelmed by the amount of crying I did during the funeral. Once it was done, I was fine, though. Different people just deal with it in different ways.