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tokmom
07-27-2009, 11:42 AM
My mom is teaching my 17 yr old dd to sew. When I was about 12, my mom tried to teach me and I just did not enjoy it. It was too tedious for me. Instead I picked up knitting and knitted for a year before stopping. I didn't pick it up again until 3 yrs ago and I'm 46 now. My dd wanting to learn to sew is excited that grandma is taking the time to teach her. But is seeing that Grandma is a perfectionist and picks apart everything she does.
My mom is all about sewing and she doesn't think that knitting has any value.
The other day we were at JoAnn's. My mom who knows everyone by name introduced me to the lady cutting out material. She asked me if I sewed. I told her No, but I knit. My mom became really angry, and told me I could too sew, but for some odd reason decided not too. I disagreed and said I couldn't even read a sewing pattern and have no idea where to even begin when it came to cutting out the pattern! Mom would not back down! She insisted that I could sew!! Yeah, I can fly too.:teehee:
When a cousin approached me last year to make dishcloths for their church fundraiser, I was set to do so, until my mom told me they'd only go for .50 cents because they are 'just knitted' dishcloths.

I find this so hurtful. I do really nice work and you all know the time it takes to make something even as simple as a dishcloth. Once again, no value to knitting. She never shows any interest in what I'm knitting. Ever.

Thanks for the ear. I had to get it off my chest. For the record, my dd does not knit and shows no interest and do you know what? It's OK!!!

luvmykid28
07-27-2009, 12:08 PM
Sometimes we say the most hurtful things to the ones we love. My mom has in the past done it to me and hers did it to her and on and on...This is what keeps me awake at night. "What am I going to do the really hurt my dd (7yrs old) that she will not be able to let go." I wish I could tell her in advance that I am sorry for all the hurtful things I say or insinuate.

I hope you feel better...:muah: :muah: :muah:

ArtLady1981
07-27-2009, 12:47 PM
Your dear mother is a trip.

I am so sorry she is like she is.
All you can do is love 'er like she is. What is she, about 66 now?
I don't think she's gonna change much.

I could say a boatload about what I think of her words and actions, but, why bother? It will only hurt you to hear what I think of her treatment towards you.

You obviously love your mother A LOT.
You are to be commended for your patience.
It will come back to you in future BLESSINGS!

You are an incredible person! :hug:

tokmom
07-27-2009, 05:20 PM
Your dear mother is a trip.

I am so sorry she is like she is.
All you can do is love 'er like she is. What is she, about 66 now?
I don't think she's gonna change much.

I could say a boatload about what I think of her words and actions, but, why bother? It will only hurt you to hear what I think of her treatment towards you.

You obviously love your mother A LOT.
You are to be commended for your patience.
It will come back to you in future BLESSINGS!

You are an incredible person! :hug:

There is plenty to say about her, that is for sure. She has issues of her own that didn't make her a good mom. She is 77 now and I do love her, and I have come to terms with our precarious relationship. She lives in total denial about a lot of things. But yeah, that is her...But geez, knitting? Gimme a break!

lulubell
07-27-2009, 05:29 PM
YOU know that the work you do is lovely, and quite frankly, as someone who can knit and sew (but not crochet to a set tension) I know that knitting a garment takes oodles of time and effort more than a sewn garment. Just accept her as Mum who has some funny ideas about knitting.

And as you get older, if you hear yourself starting to say the same things as your Mum (and we all do), snap out of it quickly!!!!!

tokmom
07-27-2009, 09:16 PM
YOU know that the work you do is lovely, and quite frankly, as someone who can knit and sew (but not crochet to a set tension) I know that knitting a garment takes oodles of time and effort more than a sewn garment. Just accept her as Mum who has some funny ideas about knitting.

And as you get older, if you hear yourself starting to say the same things as your Mum (and we all do), snap out of it quickly!!!!!

I stop myself now with my 17 yr dd. I refuse to be like my mom.

ArtLady1981
07-27-2009, 11:57 PM
It's really wonderful when daughters are better mothers than their mothers!

I was a good mother, but I have to say, with 100% certainty:
my daughters are better mothers than I was! I admire them very much! And I take time to tell them, too!

Gertie
07-28-2009, 01:54 AM
I'm glad that you understand that it's just her way & you can deal with it. You seem to know that you won't depend on her to determine your sense of self worth in your art/crafts. Even tho you're in pain, you can look past it & go on.

I remember mistakes that my mother made & I've been careful not to repeat them with my children, but then I think of the mistakes that I've made that she did not. My kids are 23 & 20 with no children of their own yet. I sometimes wonder what kind of parents they'll be. Sometimes we talk about it. I have a friend who grew up with a selfish, a bit demanding mother. It really affected them. They were only valuable when they met up to her high standards. Much resentment to deal with.

I'm sorry you hurt. If a stranger said that to you, it'd be easier to slough off.

dairywife
07-28-2009, 11:23 AM
It's really wonderful when daughters are better mothers than their mothers!

I was a good mother, but I have to say, with 100% certainty:
my daughters are better mothers than I was! I admire them very much! And I take time to tell them, too!

That is a very nice thing to say about your daughters.

Tokmom: You are a valued knitter!! This craft is an art and a treasure. The hurtful things that were said to you were clearly said out of ignorance. Ignorance: lack of knowledge, education, or awareness.

Jan in CA
07-28-2009, 12:12 PM
I think my mother would have understood and been supportive, but she died when I was 20 so I have no way of knowing for sure. I try very hard to be supportive of my daughters, but being human I'm sure I have on occasion said something that upsets them. They know I love them dearly though so I hope that carries them through.

I'm sorry your mom hurt you. You do beautiful work. You know it and all your knitter friends know it. :hug:

bailsmom
07-28-2009, 01:45 PM
:hug: I'm sorry she hurt your feelings by what she said. I may be 'old fashioned' in saying this, but I don't think anyone is too old to change their views on something. Plain and simple she hurt you and that's not okay. But I'm glad you have us here to give you a :hug: and a squeeze to make you feel a little better. I know I'm eternally grateful for this site.

The other day my mother said something so hurtful too me, I was just so shocked it came out of her mouth and so vehemently too. She's not usually that blunt so that's why I'm still reeling from it. It hurt enough that I won't soon forget the words...I hate that kind of hurt.

Hope you feel better soon.

Woodi
07-28-2009, 01:53 PM
Mothers and daughters....don't get me started!

My mother sounds like yours, always critical,wanting me to be like her, do what she does, like what she likes, never accepting me as me.

but I have learned over the years that it is almost impossible to change another person (even if they say they want to change). Most people don't even know how to change themselves!

So....what one can do is: change the way you respond to such insults and agressions (yes, a criticism is aggressive).

We have more control over our responses than we realize, but it sometimes takes time, and more than a little practice.

anyway, you have my sympathies. I know what that kind of hurt from your mother feels like, as I suffered it too. I am 62 now and my Mom is 82. She can't talk to me anymore as a stroke took away her ability to speak (although she can still make bossy movements, gestures etc....).

Good luck with yours! vent anytime you want to. I'll be here for you, with a sympathetic ear.

Cirrus
07-28-2009, 02:51 PM
I'm so sorry this is happening between you and your mom. You are trying to overlook it and love the good parts about your mother, and that is admirable. But I know it builds up inside and doesn't feel very good emotionally.

Your mother just must have had a vision of you sewing as she does, and she is disappointed. This, of course, is silly. We cannot live through our children fulfilling our dreams. But she does not think of this.

What about this: Next time she says something, in the sweetest voice you can muster up, say: "Awww Mom, you make me feel so bad." It probably won't change anything, but at least you have the satisfaction of speaking up.

I'm sorry too she's hard on your DD. As a mom, this would concern me because it could turn into a less-than-wonderful experience for your DD. Have you talked to your daughter and acknowledged that Grandma is very particular? Be sensitive to any hesitation DD might have to go to a sewing lesson. It should be fun and satisfying, not demoralizing.

tokmom
07-30-2009, 12:15 AM
I'm so sorry this is happening between you and your mom. You are trying to overlook it and love the good parts about your mother, and that is admirable. But I know it builds up inside and doesn't feel very good emotionally.

Your mother just must have had a vision of you sewing as she does, and she is disappointed. This, of course, is silly. We cannot live through our children fulfilling our dreams. But she does not think of this.

What about this: Next time she says something, in the sweetest voice you can muster up, say: "Awww Mom, you make me feel so bad." It probably won't change anything, but at least you have the satisfaction of speaking up.

I'm sorry too she's hard on your DD. As a mom, this would concern me because it could turn into a less-than-wonderful experience for your DD. Have you talked to your daughter and acknowledged that Grandma is very particular? Be sensitive to any hesitation DD might have to go to a sewing lesson. It should be fun and satisfying, not demoralizing.

Thanks everyone. As a mom of 7 kids. I know I have and will make mistakes with them, but I try to not criticize what they do and how they do it. When my one college age son changed majors he didn't tell us for the first semester. When I caught wind of it, he said he didn't say anything because he was afraid we would be upset. My dh and I are both RN's and he was going to study nursing. I told him this was HIS life, and not ours. We had our turn at choosing a career this was now his turn. I don't expect my kids to like anything I do, because I do!

Yes, my dd is afraid to show my mom her sewing. Granted, its not perfect and I told my mom to lay off a bit and accept that the sewing might not be perfectly straight right now, but she's at least sewing and God forbid not knitting!:teehee: They have another sewing date next week, and I hope it goes ok.

Thanks again for the hugs. I REALLY needed them!!!

Gertie
07-31-2009, 12:14 AM
Have you commented to your mother that you're making fabric?

I just thought - you're making the fabric while you're putting the item together. You can do both. :thumbsup: You're good! The next time she sews with a knit fabric...

melmac51
07-31-2009, 10:33 AM
Have you commented to your mother that you're making fabric?

I just thought - you're making the fabric while you're putting the item together. You can do both. :thumbsup: You're good! The next time she sews with a knit fabric...

hmmm...never thought of that! Thanks!

Simply_Renee
07-31-2009, 10:31 PM
I'm going to go the petty route that I so rarely take, and say

"Oh, she's just jealous!"

:-)

Knitting_Guy
07-31-2009, 11:51 PM
I couldn't help but laugh when I read your post. I know you felt hurt and all, but from the outside it really is quite funny. People often think their particular skill or craft is superior to others, even though they all require skill and talent.

I remember when my mother, who was a life-long crocheter, told me anything I could knit she could crochet. I simply replied by asking her to crochet me a pair of seamless socks.

When she passed away she was trying to learn how to knit.

tokmom
08-03-2009, 12:42 PM
Thanks everyone. I will have to use the "I'm making fabric" comment next time. Good one.:teehee:

Mason, I never thought knitting was better than sewing. They are two different kinds of crafts obviously, and she knows I have high regard for her talent. I never knew the depth of anger she had with me because I don't sew. It was a total mindblower to me.
That is sweet your mom tried to pick up knitting. Maybe I'll buy mom mom a pr of knitting needles for xmas and tell her to make some fabric and something wearable at the same time.:wink:

Lisa R.
08-04-2009, 09:29 AM
I never knew the depth of anger she had with me because I don't sew. It was a total mindblower to me.

You know...this was a very hurtful experience for you. But really, how terribly sad for your mother that she overlooks a potentially wonderful relationship with her own daughter over something so silly. My heart breaks for her as well, since she apparently is lacking the ability to connect with you on more than a superficial level. Sad for both of you.