Knitting the Flap
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Houston, TX
Thanked 95 Times in 64 Posts
My husband cut off his mother. His parents divorced shortly after he and I married. My husband was constantly put in the middle, not by his father, but by his mother. She kept him from having a relationship with his younger sibs by lying to them and telling them he did not pay child support. My husband and I know for a fact this was just cruel manipulation and not truth. It caused his Dad lots of hurt, but the sibs got older and have a relatinship with him now since they have discovered the truth and grew up. My husband did not cut her off then. He just tried his damnedest to stay out of it on her end.
Then his mother remarried. We kept a relationship with her and the new husband, and when they married, his two sisters were minors, and brother in college. The step-Dad first cut off his younger sister, stopped paying for her medical care and stopped paying her tution for college (she paid her own living expenses) and we could not fathom why he would do this, esp. since the Dad was paying a lot of money for her to be able to go to college and complete it in the way of child support and alimony (that did not stop when she was living with this guy). That was the first clue.
They had us believing she was out of control, even that she needed mental help. Well. . .I won't say beleiving, we were dubious, but this sister would not share any of it with us. She finally did when she was about done with college. . .and we were shocked. I'll just say it was a lot of innapropriate behavior, and the final straw was when she refused to give her Step-Dad a back rub.
My husband confronted his mother about these things, and things we had been hearing from friends of the family about how he was now treating the younger sister, still in HS. She denied it all, and ended up turning the conversation around to being about his Dad, and that the reason the other sister did not have funds for college was b/c the Dad would not pay anything. He told her he knew this was not true (in fact, Dad had other sister live with him and paid all her tuition and living expenses.)
The next day we got an e-mail from the Step-Dad telling my husband that "his" family was none of "his" business, and that if he would like to still be a part of that family he should formally apologize to him (Step-Dad) and to his Mother. He signed it, Mother, younger Sister, and him.
That was when we cut him off. We realized that we could not have a relationship with a woman that would let a man treat her children cruelly, and innapropriately. Well. . .it was my husband's decision, and I can not influence him one way or the other.
The kids have since then married, and one has had her own children, and my husband and I have a child that his Mother has no relationship with at all. The only time she spends with her grandkids from the other sister is when she can sneak out. She has to do it unbeknownst to her husband (Step-Dad).
The other kids have not cut her off, but they get sick of her not standing up to her husband or playing along with his games and manipulation. They have cut him off. The younger sister had the Step-Dad do the same thing to her. She wanted to visit her Dad on Father's Day and he told her he was more of a Father to her than he was, and that if she went she would be cut off as well. She did, and their father paid all her expenses and tuition as well, yet again, even though per the divorce decree he set up funds for all of them to go to school, and sent her alimony and child support that did not end when they turned 18, it just continued to go, until the youngest one turned 18. (conveniently, this is when the Mom and Step-Dad finally married to continue with the alimony.)
The older sister has stopped talking to her Mom again, b/c she was not able to sneak out for her g-daughter's birthday, and so therefore would not go.
My husband has not said a word to her ever since we got "the e-mail." From what I hear, this man has done the same thing to his HS daughter, from a previous marriage, that he did to all the other kids. Kicked her out and cut her off.
Family is supposed to love unconditional, help you to grow, and not keep you down, and there are lines that shoudln't be crossed.
I don't know what extent all this has had on my husband; he just chooses not to speak about it. I know it hurts the siblings deeply.
My father had a rough relationship with his mother and went to counseling for it, and she told him, if she makes you this miserable, and she will not change, you will probably need to tell her "goodbye."
Ok- long story. I don't know if it applies to yours or not. It did kind of feel good to type about it.
I hope you discover what you need for your happiness, and if you have to let go, I hope you are able to do so with more peace than guilt.