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Old 05-13-2011, 09:35 PM   #34
Working the Gusset
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Newspaper must love unexpected humor from the public. Classified ads run in various newspapers

Free Yorkshire Terrier. 8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites.

Free puppies: 1/2 cocker spaniel 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

Free puppies... part German shepherd, part stupid dog.

German shepherd, 85 lbs. neutered. Speaks German. Free.

Found: dirty white dog. Looks like a rat... been out awhile... better
be a reward.

1-man, 7-woman hot tub - $850/or best offer

Snow blower for sale... only used on snowy days.

Cows, calves never bred... also 1 gay bull for sale.

Nordictrack $300 hardly used, call Chubby.

Hummers - largest selection ever - "If it's in stock, we have it!"

Georgia peaches, California grown - 89 cents/lb.

Nice parachute: never opened - used once.

Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and
flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 - $9 per hour.

Joining nudist colony! Must sell washer and dryer, $300.

Alzheimer's center prepares for an affair to remember.

Open house: body shapers toning salon. Free coffee and donuts.

For sale by owner: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45
volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed.
Got married last month. Wife knows everything.

* * * * *

Here are some comments made by sports commentators that I'm sure they
would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator at the Olympic Snatch and Jerk Event:
"This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator:
"This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Grand Prix Race Announcer:
"The lead car is absolutely, truly unique, except for the one behind it which is exactly identical to the one in front of the similar one in

4. Greg Norman, Pro Golfer:
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

5. Ringside Boxing Analyst:
"Sure there have been injuries and even some deaths in boxing - but none of them really that serious."

6. Baseball announcer:
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

7. Basketball analyst:
"He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

8. At a trophy ceremony BBC TV Boat Race 1988:
"Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is hugging the Cox of the Oxford crew."

9. Metro Radio, College Football:
"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

10. US Open TV Commentator:
"One of the reasons Arnie Palmer is playing so well is that, before each final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my God, what have I just said?"
--The member formerly known as Demonica

"You must be the change you wish to see in the world."
- Mahatma Gandhi
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